I’m a wreck
If I don’t have anything
I’m a machine
Running on oil
Waiting for you to fill me up
It feels like the world is almost over
And I can’t live to not look low
As I’m pulled apart from this car crash
Of misery, I see it was all pointless
And that the bullets were temporary pain
I don’t know much about fighting
But with you around, I felt like I knew it all
I threw my blow to my entrapped heart
And broke my walls down
The ashes and smoke looked like stars
And a cosmic journey was now mine
I looked for the sign in the rubble
In each disaster I created
And found a heartbeat
Worthy of life

I saw a ship when you passed
It made me wonder so much
About what we meant
Was your ghost with me
During or after it all?

In the light of day
I find myself gazing
At what-once-was
And at night I cry
A howl of pain and misery

It wasn't your fault, my love
I knew better than to wish it away
When the weight is dropped
I am stuck with memories
Of your living nightmares
Oh my god, I ******* it all up
It was lost and now is found
I want to slip away from this
I can't live with reminder notes
At the nightstand of my lonely bed

I'm forever filled with a hole inside
A misery-soaked life, slowly but surely
Dead.

I walk in the club
And I see it all
No friends around,
But I don't need 'em
I've got this feeling
And I intend to listen to it
The floor gets quiet
As I let myself loose
Everyone is interested
In those wonderful moves
I hope no one is offended
By the way those hoops dance.

This bright mind of mine
is ready to give it's all
and speak the absolute truth.

But you see,
it can't do that.
This mind sees road blocks
The size of Goliath
and runs away like a coward
back into town.
Why does a simple hello
feel like an idle journey
that I cannot complete?

What my mind says
and what my voice delivers
are two exact opposites;
they are distant planets
who despise each other
and have no intentions
of ever coming close.

It feels like everyday
my mind is at war
and I can't gel in these pieces of myself
unless my mind can conquer my voice
and create something endlessly beautiful.

I see it
A change is taking place
The good in all is nowhere
Every life is taken for granted
Memories are strung together
In a lost papier-mâché craft
Gaining dust in a Kindergarten classroom
Where the boys and girls of tomorrow live
In a crazed life filled with
Devices and contraptions
It makes us all feel blue
But we caused it
What we see is what we want
We see what we caused
We kissed the sweet lips of evolution
And it opened its legs to innovation
Save the stress for later
We'll all worry about it another time
When silver bullets are sprouting
In the garden of our beautiful
African-American brothers and sisters
And a disillusioned land of education
Save them from this misery
Such a shame that we gave our best
Now you see it -- our paradise is ******.

The story begins with a light--
It reveals the biggest fear on this earth
And gives you a chance to experience it
In that time you know nothing but innocence
But you have love all around you
That stays with you and your tears
Until you're the one walking on two feet.

You learn how to offer your love back
And appreciate the good things in life
Hello, the world says,
It's nice to meet you
Everybody loves you for just living
And while you still don't understand why,
It makes you feel warmed.

But before you know it
The cold drags itself in
And the story goes on
To reveal the pain
Of the real world
And before you
Know it, you
Are in fear
Of living.

It's true that I'm lost
through a dark and lonely cave
and it's true that I have myself
stuck deep inside of its misery
I'll admit that I love it and want
to be there for as long as possible
my friends say that it is unhealthy,
that I'm ruining my happiness
but what could be more happier
than being ten thousand feet away
from the troubles of the world?

You live with many tears
Look around with plenty fears
Waste up your many years
And seldom hear cheers.

Many times left your eyes
With nothing but cries
And lies across the skies
Sat next to you sharing sighs.

I grew tired of being a placemat
By the door to your vacant home
Will I ever be more than history
Lying in the back of your mind

I haven't seen the sun in days
You walk but you don't run
Tell me, is it better to flourish
To leave it all behind
Than to have lived through a passionate wish

Being with you was a wasted ******
I'd flow my stream into you
Wished for more than necks intertwined
I punctured your rejection with great strength
The pain was nothing compared to the way
You left me behind at arm's length

I cough, I ache, achoo
I sneeze not one, but two
Times as I forget you
You **** fool, why did you make
Me fall in love with you

I hold on
Even if it ******* kills me
I hold on
Like there’s no person that can do it better
I hold on
When you leave me this lonely and cold
I hold on
Thinking about our best days together
I hold on
Every day I feel like giving up on you
I hold on
Because you are the most beautiful I’ve ever seen
I hold on
Feeling like I could lose you any day
I hold on
Wondering what you’re doing without me
I hold on
Trusting you with my battered and bruised heart
I hold on
Loving you in the sun, rain, sleet, or snow
I hold on
Holding you when I need it the most
I hold on
Will you hold on too?

Feels like I’m in another universe
Asking questions cause I’m feeling cursed
There’s not a day when my throat doesn't burn
Why does this ache always seem to return?

Talk to myself away from watchful eyes
Ego black and blue as I fear demise
I’m not armed to the teeth anymore
Doesn't mean I’m one to ignore.

I’ll spit blood in this bitter flight
unlike that summer when my hopes ran high
So when you ask if I’m doing okay
It shouldn't shock you when I say…

I’m weary, I’m ill
and I blame it on the art of getting by
I look in the mirror and I wonder if I’ll ever be satisfied.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that I’m traumatized
but truth be told,
I’m not alright.

(Originally by Sky Ferreira)

I'm sad.
But what's new?

Nothing.
Nothing is new.
Everything is sad.
**Everything.

Put me back into the world
Engage me with your eyes
Make me feel so important
**** the life back into me
I feel my spine shiver
A freefall into your crystal rod
The craving feels so raw, so real
Be the best to me, love
Dip me into a fountain of appreciation
There's no greater truth than yours
Only you can send this pit of misery
And blast it off to an ache of passion
I'm on both scales between
Giving up
And
Giving in

She's inside of me
And I want her out
My guilt is floating past
Like troubled ghosts on Earth
The past intertwines with my brain,
Twisting apart my limbic system
Truth is, life ***** --
Pain is more than pleasure,
My incessant memories overlook happiness...
My forks in the road all carry my signature.

I wish I had indecisive tattooed
And inverted across my forehead
So I could look in the mirror
And be able to understand my decisions.

I've seldom been inhabited
I'm an isolated shelter
Looking at the archipelagos
Oh, these islands are so dull
Where is my sanctuary?

As I wait for a shoreline
I find you in the distance
The sun gleams on you
So it's not that hard
To find your small land.

Then it dawns on me
I can't move toward you
Because I am an island
And so are you
How can I be yours
When all we share is distance?

2 am, no sleep
Feels like every poem begins like that these days
Dense in my stomach
When did I last eat?
As long as I don't wither, I'll be fine
Why am I always tired?
Once I take those iron pills, I'm good
That song came on twice today
Heard your name as always
It hurts a little less each time
Punches my gut, knots it in two
I closed my eyes when I passed your school today
Because I never got to say goodbye
We stayed contained for too long
I never knew you the way I wanted to
I could play our love back
I'd only be sad once again
I gave you too much to handle
Life, it seems, was too fast
For my baby to keep up with
So now I sit at 2 am
Without your voice ringing in my ears
Alone, but not as broken
As you might think
Just full of thoughts
Stuck on *what if?

Who am I
When I cease to function
And my soul rips apart
But I soon realize
As the fan brushes the walls
And my room comes to life
I recognize my weariness
The clamor in my head
If I only knew the way
To pure bliss and satisfaction

I'm scared
Where am I going
Who do I pray for
When the truth echoes
And I'm alone with my thoughts
That tell me
*It's not that serious

It's been a while since we've last talked
and I've built up a lot inside this body
you should know these feelings quite well
but what you may soon come to find out
is that a piece of my heart isn't all that mad

I know that
You're a total *****
I hate your ******* guts
And never again will I want you

But I know better than to consume and ponder myself
with thoughts that a less wiser man would think
it's not the end of the world frankly
and I have better things to do
than to sit around all day
and drive myself mad
losing all this sleep
trying hard
to forgive
you.

I live through visions of distortion,
Wondering how to remain confident
Even through all the troubles and trials
That bind me from being who I thrive to be

I gave you a minute
To live for yourself
For once in your life
And you rolled up all that I had
To create a person
I had never met before

Through these visions you find
A hazy glimpse of what-once-was;
It spirals and contorts around
To find its chance at a true color
But it stays in its kaleidoscope of craziness

Last night I panicked
Over another future
I saw a man
With lost hope, no purpose
I told the ones I could trust
Keep looking out for that boy
He's confident, he's vulnerable
There's no telling where he'll go
He's been hurt far too much
Breaking his heart for no one important
He ain't got any time
Looking for a way to live each night
Spilling his guts of guilt
Will he learn to let go?

--------

I wake up
My brain stirs, confused
It pops in a frenzy
It's late but my thoughts are on time
I do a pretty good job at understanding
What is the truth and what isn't
The choir bursted to life and I smiled
Let this moment be mine
And all the others be dedicated to the past
I will never be fine
But in this moment
I am

Too depressed to eat, to sleep, to drink
Too upset to talk to someone, something
It's never too late to start working,
I always convince myself
Maybe one day they'll clean me
From all the dust on the shelf

I've slumbered for the last time
These games are way too old, you devil
Let me live one good day for myself
I'm tired of living for other people

As selfish as a two year old
And functions without a heart
I am not lacking confidence
But I am slowly falling apart

I look at the ones I call friends
And now how much I neglect them
Dogs are better friends, in truth
I'm no more than a beast, a burden

Never live in your head
It's as dangerous as death

I'm twisting my neck chaotically,
Trying to come to terms with myself.
My words are no less blank
As yesterday's were.
A fragile part of me is seeping out
And trying to tell me something,
But I don't know what.
I'm still ignoring important things,
Wondering if death really isn't
All that important to me anymore.
What I found to be a casual breeze,
A use of the head over the heart,
Is turning into a confusing mess.

They're here for me, but I don't see it.
They care--something I don't realize.
Keep it together, keep it together...
Leave for the better, you idiot.
If I use truth instead of bitter lies,
Will I feel better about myself?
Trial and error is nothing more than
A way for me to make the same mistakes
And not feel guilty about them.

Where's my instrumental?
My backing track?
Do I have steady rhythm
Or even a relevant melody?
Keep your tired eyes peeled;
You will hear your song eventually.

Set the scene
I'm drunk again
Off our satisfaction
Lifted off from a land
Where I tell all
You love me like you know
I heal your love of lonely
And you accept my embrace
Like you know you need it
But babe, so do I
And your lips, soft and tender
Make my heart stretch
Wanting to kiss you stupid
Make your face feel
Like it will never be lonely
As I pierce your glaucous bubble
You come to life
Crystal and reflective
But visible all the same

Before the years of bitterness
He was a boy with innocence
In this innocence, he lived happily
Looking through his books,
Longing for nothing

It was a funny thought
To think anything less
He had no clue what it was
Nor did he imagine it
He simply enjoyed his happiness
In the way that little boys do

Today I live as a lunatic
By simply looking at someone
For more than five seconds
A cry of assault can be heard
From a range of six miles
In every suburb, district, nation
And a group of hypocrites
To tell you to remain pure

I once saw life as an expression,
As it should be seen
You can question many things
Except love
I don't just want happiness--
I want a life of passion

How can they expect me to make magic
With these bursts of time they give to me?

when i say i want it all
i'm not sure what i mean
living like an artist
but struggling like a fool
painted your hand in mine
because i wanted to be led to a sign
i don't know if you truly exist
and i'm not sure if i even care
at this point
blame it on me, blame it on you
i stopped asking for your help
a previous entity ago
i drove off that cliff and died
but a part of me floated upwards
into the clouds, was saved
my echo was here to stay
the circus clowns stopped laughing that day
this was a serious matter
more serious than losing a leg in an accident
or giving birth for the first time
but i never uttered your voice once
when i did the decision making
no one loves you for the right reasons
so why love you at all?

Hushed, a little baby in the reigns of love
I lengthen my spine to match your pride
My hair carries the weight of your lies
And as I swing it back and forth
I find that I was once yours
But the inane price of sacrifice is scarce
So my bones become stale and weak

Loving the ways I find you in spaces
Drinking my water
Resting my eyes on beautiful guys
I feel like a squatter
I loved while it was sane
So much for love in all its pain

I look at my life
And see that without you
I have nothing
I could try a day or two,
Keep you off the mind--
But the weight would stay.

This is what you love to say.

I look at my life
And see that without you
I could be so much happier
I could stay in love with you,
Keep the feelings in tact--
But my heart will only stray.

This is what I refuse to say.

How come I find the worst in you
While you value the worst in me
Can you leave the light on outside
For me to find my way back home?
That's the way I do things now
I hope the bed is made
When I step inside
Can you promise me happiness?
Of course you can't,
Not when you haven't found it.

I am a lost cause
In the art of imperfections
Trying to find the right words
Is like an SOS out to sea
In two worlds, one has hope
And the other has truth
Cracks a half-smile and laughs
In my face
Shaking off the pressure,
I breathe in sequence
Appreciating every one I take
But it's true
I look at your face
And see nothing
My art form is expressionless
You need a man who looks at you
And paints you with his eyes
I'm not that man

I have the tendency to talk
About the loves of a young boy
When one boy never loved himself
The way he loves you now
I bite down like a sadist
Feel the sensation of overzealousness
Placed my lover into a bed of comfort
Wrote you a love song
Even though I had no experience
And no melody was there
It ignited in our hearts
And the words were suspended
Boy, there is no one way to say
That as I find you
I find myself as well

I sit parallel
from a blank canvas
for the next
*lustrum.

one two three times i said i'd stop
one more time i give in to the talk
you say my eyes are a saccharine delight
when all i see is eyes not deserving
of a man with this many issues
i know that all this talk about your past
must be exhausting but you call me
and tell me how everyone wastes your time
i **** myself with my own thoughts
glide off the earth like i'm one less leap
from a perfect reason to be happy
why am i only ever able to sleep
when i realize that the real monsters
aren't under my bed anymore
but right in my cranium, making a home
and scaring the living **** out of me
when i crawl back into darkness
is when you leave me the most vulnerable
this habit is a venereal curse
i am clogged up with unwanted urges
and emptied of the strength i need
and when i want to be smothered with love
i come back to the one place i know best
and repeat the cycle of torture
we all call the great big search for happiness
but there's no happiness
in a temporary love
you see, i want what's best for me,
yet i scream when i think of someone
even putting up with this disastrous tempest
i loved once and almost drowned
so pardon me if the water feels cold
i'll just as soon drown myself again
if i don't slow the **** down
and find the time to breathe
it's been much too fast lately
that when i take the time to look
i am terrified and praying for safety
but as i glide off the earth and the moon
the stars blast me with a supernova
and suddenly my prayers are answered
that's the day i wait for every night
because if i lose myself
i lose the stars, the cosmic journey, the hands
of a person with the answers and the control
of a vulnerable miserable old soul
because i'd like to think that this hell i'm in
is to lead me to a place of bliss
but these days scare me
and i'm too cold to be warm
too broken to be fixed
too troubled to be calm
sadness, they say, is a *****
but i embrace it with stride
fall asleep to the sounds of no one
i'm too afraid to be filled with pride

my prescription was ready, they said
came earlier than i had thought
so i left home with my coat
started the car in the cold
entered the uncomfortable atmosphere
placed my hands on the table
and asked for what i hadn't requested
you'll thank me for this they said
i'm still waiting to see if they were right.

I'll remember those times
Long ago when it felt real
To visit someone amazing
Who I could spend every moment
With and not want to leave

I could explain everything to you
And you would listen and be
There for me
I would want you to be here
To smile full of joy and whisper,
I'm so proud of you

You will be there watching
All those great moments, and
I will feel happy knowing that
You are there to witness it all

I wish I could go back
To that happy place
once more.

You never made much sense
Fears of not being enough
Keeping me up late at night
When you're drunk you're the happiest
But then reality hits and
Your life feels like quicksand
I'm your holiday, only coming
Once or twice a year
Don't know when to call
Don't know when you'll return
I'll stay locked up in your terror
You disregard my pain
Leave behind a mess
I pick up the rest
Will you let me know if
I'm holding on too tight
Oh, how I wish your sun
Would burn brightly again

Last night we threw up
In a bucket of circumstances
I never knew your name
The day we first met
In the ballroom, we kissed
Liquor on our tongues
People staring, you weren't aware
By then, your name engrained my mind
How could it not
With your lips on mine
I loved everything about you
In your tuxedo
Adjusting your tie, it was special
Our cufflinks shined bright
In our slow dance
You held my hand down the streets
I felt safe as could be
The moon was our way home
What I'd do to spend a day
Up there with you

When my body aches in pain,
When my loved ones leave,
When my hair turns gray,
When my brain loses memory,
When my heart beats no more,
My love will be as pure and whole
As the day that I first met you.

You strengthen my livelihood, make me shine
It's your smile, all I see in time
I'm paragliding into your heart
From your soul, every hug, every caress
My body burns with love and passion
The feeling lasts all through the day
I used to love only for my benefit
Now I love for two, crave for one
Baby, you've been the love of my life
Never really stopped
From the curl of every strand
To the peculiarity of your lovely body
I love it all, unconditionally
Everything grows in this vessel
I'd let you open every part
Vibrate every string, strike every chord
If you ever so wished to
Drive me happy, drive me mad
As long as you're on the road of love
You are what you are, what I know
And I love no other man
For my beautiful darling is waiting for me
To open up every part of him
Never really stopped

I’m a killer of the unspoken
We never speak at dinner
Yet I speak thousands upon of thousands
Of words
In a head of silk
It plummets like bodies placed for burial
No one knows the me I want them to
As I hop out of bed
I cradle the joys of a wonderful love
Your beautiful strands of hair
Wrapped around my fingers
I’ve never been one for cliches
But a song is a song
And love is but of the purest emotion
So I find you in the sweetest parts of me
And I want to wrap you in the arms
Of an emotional boy
Before I lose my strength
I’m trying to write you
A man as clueless as me
But a man in love nonetheless

You never felt right for me

In just a year I've found **** luck
Hypothesizing a love life
With the conclusion of
A beautiful future,
Two souls intermingling

No, I don't understand the concept
My youth screamed like a spoiled child
That it was right when everyone said
It wasn't
I listened, I listened then crashed

You told me one day love wasn't for you
My throat clenched and choked
My page of trust was ripped out
My heart poured out on a hospital sheet
Was drilled into, wasn't serious to you
And yes, I underrated my heartache
To not look like a loser for love
A part of me wanted a future with you
Wanted to say that I proved them wrong
Had something to be proud of

Not broken, yet not held together
I refuse to be, because I've
Been there far too many times
You make me sit at the table
Waiting for the clock to change
I look for a call, a declaration of love
But instead, you hurt me
And anytime I think about you
I am disgusted with myself

To be honest
If I only had the truth
I'd be lost
In a globe of hate
I'm skipping meals
I'm living like a god
I'm emotional about it all
I'm a stick of dynamite
I'm giving back all my memories
I'm mortal
I'm ****** to death by the world
I'm evading life and what it truly is
I'm going to be the one you think about
I'm there when there is nothing else

The feelings come and go
And I guess
I can't change the fact
That I have a problem
But how foolish is that?

I feel like a criminal
Without a guilty conscience
I took away your chance
At getting to know me
And I'm sorry for that
But I don't feel anything
Except what you want me
To feel.

I ******* up
Like I almost always do
By now it's engraved
Into my personal issues
And I want to cry on the inside
But I choose to awkwardly sit
And refrain from my emotions
And I'll never find out why that is.

My drunken affair
Lying in bed, two days out of every week
Thinking, wondering
Living for the now
But worrying about the future
And being scared of the past
Feeling consumed, engulfed by the flame
That was once
A confusion
I find myself crying at the thought
Of life not being as authentic as it can be
The bridge that I once crossed has torn
Yet I find myself more accustomed to it
Than ever before
Like a hawk
I plunge down toward the earth
And gather up what I can
To survive

I couldn't accomplish what you wanted from me;
I was your disappointment
and you made it obvious
we were unhealthy.
We crossed paths in our relationship
that train-wrecked any hopes of happiness.
My life was a nightmare
whenever I was with you.

I felt controlled and abused
and you played with my heart,
but I always wondered
why I couldn't try.
Why was I so naïve and dumb
to not understand that you didn’t even love me?

Stop and think,
Give a deep breath,
And ask yourself:
Am I in pain?

Whether it's either
Physical or mental,
It doesn't matter;
You're hurting.

Get help,
Fix yourself,
And know this:
You're not the only one...

Who's in **PAIN

Traveling across two planets,
I see a galaxy afar.
It's a glimpse of your face
Drawn along a gallery of broken hearts.

There is a place down below
Where the grass is always green
And the sky is always blue
That holds my history of pain.
Why would I want to go back?

I send my spaceship to a special gallery
Where I observe and mourn you, my love.
I look back towards the cosmic proportions
And know that love is at my very fingertips.

Poised and ready
My body wants to leap
From its vessel
It deploys itself of its duties
And leaves me shipwrecked
I lick my wounds
Spend time doing the things
You don’t want to see
And as if you could ever
Hold me down
Instead you turn off the lights
Living in another galaxy
Despite my gravity being yours
The aqueducts are released
Like a flowing current
If I crash one more **** time
All I’ll see is a hologram of a boy
Confused of what it doesn’t know

You can contort my mind
You can destroy my feelings
You can bring me to the lowest
If you are that cold-hearted.

And in your world
things are full of
mediocrity and disgust
you lay in bed at night,
dissatisfied with yourself.

Contort my mind, you may
Destroy my feelings, go ahead
Bring me down if you see fit
But let's make one thing clear.

No one can mess with my pride
You will never borrow it
Because once you have it...
That's the moment I lose myself.