Okay, so maybe I'm just a little bit
Sentimental
What's wrong with that?
So I want to keep pictures
So I want to hold things dear
Nothing wrong with that
Nothing wrong at all

So what if the last thing you are
Is sentimental
So what if you're a total *******
So what if I'm just kicking the pavement three steps behind you
It's not like I'm like
Awfully sentimental

You don't like junk
You don't think I think things through
I just wanna jive and be a human bean
You think I'm just too
Sentimental
But what the **** is wrong with being
Sentimental
You know what?
I really don't care that much anymore
You've lost your luster

So what if I'm no longer sentimental
Maybe it was all a show
Maybe neither of us are all that likeable
Maybe we should all just stop being
Sentimental

Maybe we should all be a little more
Sentimental

**** it, but I don't care that I'm
Sentimental
No, not anymore.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just stop--
Stop trying
Stop feeling
Just... stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just end it
Would anyone care?
Would anyone notice?
Maybe I should just stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Harden my walls, forget my heart
Decide that nothing, no one, is worth my pall
I wish I didn't have to become numb to be okay,
Just to make the pain go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to be strong
But, I should've known all along:
I feel too deeply to be healthy,
Especially when people are involved.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I want to die
Maybe just a line at my wrist
(The X-Acto knife in my drawer would do the trick)
But no, perhaps not (I am not a fan of pain)
Bleeding out takes far too long
I don't think I could take it, anyway.

I regret ever feeling at all
The voices in my head say I'm worthless
No wonder everyone's gone
I can't attract anyone, I'm too broken
The deadness in my eyes belies a dormant predator
Watch out, I'm a hidden monster
I may catch you in my claws before a single word has been spoken
Beware the darkness of a shattered heart,
It will be far too sharp.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe this is for the best
Maybe I'll finally learn my lesson
And never have to trust again
I'm blowing this out of proportion
This is so much worse in my head
But you said I should spend time with myself, love,
No matter how many times I wish myself dead.

I regret ever feeling at all
I am so far out of my depth
I don't know what to do, love
I wish you could see this mess from my shoes.
This constant nagging ache, I wish it'd go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to hate you,
To lose the pang in my stomach when you wear bruises on your neck
Your trophies are the cause of my heartbreak
Why can't you just stay away?

I regret ever feeling at all
I wish my friends could stand being around me
But maybe they sense the monster within
Who hungers jealously for that which she cannot have
Who lusts for the flesh of one who does not love her
Who, deep down, wants to hurt everyone who wrongs her.

I regret ever feeling at all
This darkness is so suffocating
Why did I have to, for you of all people, fall?
When you cannot feel the same
When all I get from you is pain
I love you, I hate you, I feel all of the above.

I regret ever feeling at all
This horrible, deadening cold
It seeps through my limbs
All I want is a hand to hold,
Someone to chase the demons away,
Someone who can love me as much as I love you,
Someone who wants to save me from myself,
As much as I do you.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe if I disappeared, you'd wonder what you did wrong
Maybe you'd actually call
Would you feel any of my regret?
Would you feel the hurt you cause?
I don't know that, love,
I just know I regret ever feeling at all.

I feel so ******* dumb whenever I'm around you
You somehow manage to bring me to my knees, and I ******* hate it
You've got me whipped and I don't even get the benefits that should come with it
How the **** do you have me so conveniently wrapped around your little finger?
You ******* wreck me and I don't know how to stop it
You make my heart race and my cheeks flush (what a ******* joke)
This is supposed to only happen in the movies
So why the **** do you have to make things so complicated?
I feel like a stupid-*** lovesick idiot
I feel like I've been tricked
So what the **** is wrong with me? How have you managed to invade my head?
Tell me, what is your method to this madness? How have you driven me over the edge?
I feel nothing but rage when I think about what you do to me
Butterflies and moths caged in my stomach (what a stupid trope)
Clammy hands and dry lips, how the hell did this happen so fast?
You're the level-headed one, saying I can't be in love after a month
Why does all of my sanity fly out the window whenever you're around?
I feel like a ******* lovesick idiot
I hate how vulnerable you make me, you knock me to my knees
I'm not supposed to fall this fast
I'm not supposed to feel
I hate how you make me weak, soften my edges and bring me from the ashes entirely anew
Even more, though, I hate how I shrivel when you go away
Like the Grinch, my heart becomes three sizes too small when you go away
And I don't know how to stop the hate and pain
You're the best and worst that ever happened to this ******* lovesick idiot
I hate it, but you know it's true
You bring out the best and worst in me
You know how to push my buttons and turn me into something new
Why did I have to be such a fool?
In the end I suppose it wasn't me, it was you
You and your ******* perfect eyes and smile and that great *** of yours
It's all your fault for making me into a lovesick idiot
When the only thing I wanted (here's a hint, it's you)
Was the love you couldn't give me, the things you couldn't do.

As she swirls in the air
She holds dear what she took
Sunlight glinting in her hair
Clutching to her chest the leather bound book
Awaiting the monster to rise to her lair
As he comes to ***** her life,
Intent on his prize
Beneath cool waters he shall hide
Until it is the time
When into her dying eyes
He shall look.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just frozen in space,
Stuck in the fabric of time
Without a purpose, simply static
Not quite floating,
Not actively moving but not stopping either
Hurtling through the stars,
Simply dancing in the dark.

I don't act, I don't try;
I just find myself in the sky
Waiting for you to come, though you never do.
Give me a reason to stay, to leave,
Something to hint that we should be complete
I just want to stop being alone,
Stuck here,
Dancing in the dark.

It's such a shame to be alone
Here among this beauty that I can't appreciate
My mind won't stop focusing on you,
And your inability to reciprocate
So I will remain,
Swirling in this nebula of stars,
Dancing alone in the dark.

You don't want me here
But you can do nothing to stop me
So we're at an impasse, love--
Unable to continue, unable to desist
I just want you to end up in my arms,
But you know this will never work
So I'm frozen here
Forever in love, forever broken
Simply listening to your voice as it shatters the silence,
While we're dancing in the dark.

The sky is lit with a million stars
The void is painted with their light
Space screams with everything left unsaid
For I will, here, remain,
Crying into the nothingness as I am spent
I don't want to keep dancing in the dark.

Stop shutting me out.
You may think you hide it so well,
But I see you, love.
I may be blind in the daylight,
But I hear you loud and clear
You think you wear that mask with such aplomb
But I know you're really a ticking bomb
You're just like me, love
We may hear different tunes, we may not feel the same drums
But you are here too, dancing in the dark.

We're not so different after all.
I don't wanna cry after you,
But I know I will.
Here among the dying stars,
As the sun begins to overtake the sky
I'll keep dancing in the dark until the very end,
Until there's nothing, of me, that's left.
For, after all,
It was you that sent me spiraling into the night,
Awaiting death,
As I danced in the dark for you.

They called us crazy
Mocked the crowns upon our heads + the flowers in our hair
But they really don't know us
They will never care
So we continue our Monarchy of Roses
To hide from our awful despair

Bleeding in wonderful hues
We die together in the stars
Our lavish deaths will be remembered
And we shall wreak havoc from afar.

Do you see them, love?
All of these small, pretty things?
Drops of crimson upon white
They float away from me, proof of my blight—
Do you see it now, love?
The blooms that have taken hold in me,
The roots that cramp my chest,
They leave little room for much else, love—
For in the end, love,
These blooms were for you.
The pain they caused,
The havoc they reaped,
Every last petal drips for you.
Do you see it now, love?
The stolen glances,
The soft caresses,
The smiles that were only for you?
I hope you see it now, love
And choke on it as hard as I have for you.
They have taken hold and they are not going to leave
These soft blooms that will inevitably spell my doom
I wish you could have seen it sooner, love—
For these petals I bleed, I bleed them all for you.
The blooms have taken over, now,
There’s really nothing left to do
Wait and watch in horror and aghast
As my lungs are drained of life
The thorns pierce my heart and veins, love—
Yes, there’s nothing here for you
Except to weep for all of the things you couldn’t see
But now, with death, you do.
A glorious cascade of beauty falls around me
Shades of red cover my face
Petals float among the spots in my vision
You cry in the unearthly still
As the heartbreak disease finds its purpose finally fulfilled.

I wear all black
My eyeliner is sharp as a knife
My laughter is melodic and has a nice sound
I’ve never been kissed
And I hate the ache over something I shouldn’t be able to miss...

My tongue is silver and seems to have a mind of its own
My lips change color depending on my mood: red, taupe, black, purple, blue;
I love to cuddle and receive hugs
It may seem ridiculous to you, love,
But you’ve had it all
Yes, from the very start.

I don’t want to be called a crybaby
Not for the connotation it receives
So instead I build walls around my heart
I bristle and joke
Despite the ache in my chest
For I know that I cannot be strong forever.

I only hope you won’t be around when I break, love.
I don’t want you to see me fall apart at the seams.
You deserve to know the best of me
For the worst is hard to understand.

Please don’t cry for me, love
I am not broken yet
I can still spit fire from my lips and utter curses from my tongue
I remain steadfast in this prickly facade
Because if I don’t, I cannot say what you will do.

So I refuse to be a crybaby
No matter how many times it hurts to see you with someone new
I have wept over you enough, love
So now I must harden against the world
Before I become utterly undone.

I will not be your crybaby
Even though you only care when I’m nearly falling apart
You thrive off of other’s suffering, so that you may be their knight in shining converse
You seek those in need, you prey on the weak...
I don’t want to be just another conquest
Just another score
I wanted something else, love
With you, I’ve always wanted more.

Guess what, love?
I’m not your crybaby
I will die before you will know
Exactly what it is that you do
that makes me weak in the knees
For if I were to voice my thoughts, you would roll your eyes and mock...

I hate that you make me your little *****
That you make me want to bawl my eyes out when you come in with hickeys that have no name
You’re. Not. Mine.
You’re just a stupid *******
So why do you make me your crybaby?
I hate this feeling of weakness whenever you’re near
I used to be such a ******* badass
But here I am, buried under five blankets,
Hoping my roommate doesn’t hear me as I cry my eyes out,
Forevermore, over you.

Of all the hidden objects in this world,
Of all the unseen things,
Of everything that is unknown,
All I want is to find my place beside someone.

I want to find my one,
My only, my match!
It can't be this hard, and yet
Here I am, alone, again.

I have yet to drown in his eyes
I still need to see his face
I want to know the sound of his voice
I need to feel his kiss.
Where can I find this boy,
The one I have yet to meet
And still I miss?

What have I done to deserve to be alone
I may never know
I cannot fathom this nothingness
That exists within my chest.

This loneliness I can hardly bear.
It's not that I hate being alone,
But only the lonely moments crush me.
When will this sadness end?

I see them in the halls,
Walking in twos and threes
Groups of beautiful people, all together
Happily
Existing within their own little worlds,
Unable to see my pain
I wish only one thing, truly.
To have a hand to hold,
A pair of lips to kiss,
A brain to think about, talk to, miss...
And another beating heart that I can love.

I want to scream, I want to cry
This ache in my chest is so unbearable
I am so very not okay, and I just want to know why.
I was perfectly fine, not two days before
What was it that tipped the scales this time?

I just wish someone would notice
That I'm dying inside a little more every day
This ache that pulsates inside
It's driving me insane
It's not something I can ignore, it occupies my every thought
Why, oh why, was I made this way?

My stomach churns and I want to hide
At this point, feeling pain is better anyway
This emptiness is saddening and not okay
But I nonetheless rake my nails over my skin, hoping to feel anew.

You’ve left me, love.
There’s nothing left of us here.
I’ve felt this a long time coming, but still it hurts now that I know you’re nowhere near.
You’re never coming back.
Of this much, I’m aware.
I just wish you could have noticed
My awful descent into this despair.

Would you have stayed, if you’d noticed?
I doubt it, I swear
You seem to have lost your care
For this, I despair.

I wish someone would notice
I’m drowning, I’m dying
I can’t seem to breathe.
“Keep going!”—instead I wheeze
Soft thoughts drift across my diamond mind
Unable to escape, this time.

I suppose it’s best that no one will notice.
I’m the strong one, I can’t afford to despair.
No one will notice, this I swear.
They mustn’t be aware of how very broken I am.
I’m here for them! I will never let them know
Vulnerability isn’t an option for me
My broken heart, mind, body—this, they will never see.
(Would they even care?)
“She’ll get through it, she’s stronger than this”
“I doubt she wants help, she likes doing things on her own”
(In the end, I seriously doubt it.)
(After all, we’re all drowning down here.)

Why do I let you close?
All you do is cause me hurt.
The sweet caresses and times you hold me to your chest
They never last as long as they should.
You smile at me in such a soft way
Something I never see you do with anyone else
But then you just have to go and **** some random girl
Your adventures open to the world
Why do you have to hurt me this way?

I know you’re not mine.
You never were.
But that didn’t stop me from loving you.
It won’t stop the hurt.
Sometimes you make me feel like I’m on Cloud Nine.
Every other moment, though,
I feel like I want to die.
Why, dear?
Why do you enjoy causing all of this hurt?

I shouldn’t care. I’ve only known you for 22 days.
Why do you have to power to hurt me this way?
You are an enigma to me
You are a complete mystery
So how can you understand me better than anyone else ever could?
You’re more than I could have hoped
You’re more than I thought I wanted
You’re everything I need
And somehow I’m still not good enough. Somehow, you’re still not mine.

Why do I still let myself hurt?
Even I cannot answer that, dear.
I guess my heart will never learn
Not when it comes to you, dear.
You’re the most infuriating man I’ve ever met
Yet somehow I just want to live within your soul,
I want my lungs to fill with your scent, always,
I want to feel you beneath my fingertips,
I want to love you and be loved by you, forever-evermore.

Despite all of this pain
In light of all the hurt
You still keep coming back.
You acknowledge how deeply I care
You know how much I hurt
You know how easily I worry
And you still refuse to stop the hurt.

Is this what you wanted when you came here?
Is this what you imagined from the start?
Did your heart race and your head spin
As you watched me fall apart?
How much does it hurt now, love
When all of my love has been ripped from your heart?

You toy with me
Expect me to remain always, to simply be;
To wait for you for as long as it takes
If I could find someone else, love, don’t you think I would have?
You’re the only one for me, love.
I hope that you understand.
Maybe you will, one day,
After you’ve finally washed my blood from your hands.

I don’t let anyone know what I’m really thinking
The whispers in my head are only for me
They say things that I’d rather not admit
They hurt me in more than one way.

The whispers are cruel and soft
They chip away at my self-esteem
They voice all of my concerns, they tear me apart by the seams
But no one can know, not anyone at all
You’d probably put me in a straight jacket
For the things they say to me.

They understand me like only I could
They know everything behind what I do
They sound like me—
But the things they say? I wish I didn’t agree.
They’re so intrinsically me.
I despise them, but I know they’re right.

“I’m unloved.”
“No one thinks I’m attractive. I disappear among all of the others in the room.”
“They don’t really like me.”
”I’m so stupid, my friends don’t care for me as much as I do for them.”

If only I could transfer a tiny percent of my love for my friends to myself,
I think I would be fine.
I wish I didn’t hate myself
But it’s such a thin line
In a way, I’m a blade runner
In that I walk the edge of my sanity on a day to day basis.

I wish I didn’t listen to the whispers.
I wish everyone knew I’m not fine.
But I don’t want your sympathy, no, not that.
I just want you to understand.
The whispers at night when I’m all alone
The voices that tell me I should just be a rotting pile of bones
All I want is to silence them,
But to do that, I would have to cease existing.

I’m tired of wanting to die
I’m tired of these endless whispers telling me I’m not enough
I’m tired of the girl that sounds like me
I just want to feel happy for once in my life
I’m tired of pretending to be fine when I’m not
I just want to be.

Kiss me softly, Necromancer
Hold me tightly, let me die
Feel my breath escape my lungs
Leave me to be with you
Forever-evermore

Let me feel your touch
Let me feel the cold
It feels so much better
Than they could possibly have told

Death, come quickly
So that I may be
With my lovely Necromancer
Forever-evermore.

Thanatos, embrace me now
Have Nyx fill the night with stars
And bring me home to my one.

Kiss me softly, my Necromancer
'Fore Death steals me away
He is much more lovely
Than I could ever say.

Beautiful, big, blue round eyes
Nothing let out of my sight
I laugh and giggle and play
But it’s all lies.

Blue eyes
You look down
Cowardly
You fail me with your fading gaze
You make me need glasses
As I maneuver through the masses.

Shake the stars from my eyes
In a pleasant surprise
I’m met by big, beautiful saucers of chocolate
That seem to match mine.

Big, blue eyes
Why didn’t you see?
Why didn’t you catch it?
Now, trained on the ground,
Your tears salt the grass, as the world blurs.

Pretty blue eyes
Give me a miracle in disguise
Catch it, hold it tight
Give me something to make my heart soar.

Big blue eyes
You make me unwise
Judging by looks and feel
Nothing worse than our ordeal.

Round sparkly eyes
Why do you deceive?
There’s more to you than you reveal
Yet I can’t let anyone dive deep enough
For they would drown in the darkness beneath.

Sad eyes
Looking away as you leak
Leaving him behind
Never able to look back…
Big, beautiful eyes
You have seen much
You are the windows to my soul
But there is more to you than it seems
A juggernaut in the shadows…

Beautiful blue eyes
You fail me
You fade
You cry
You ail
*You help me fly.

It is the color of freshly spilled blood
It is the shade of love
It is the hue of vegetables and fruits
It colors the world in vibrant notes
It tells us to stop, to take heed;
It warns of danger, it tells us to rejoice
It shines in the lips of lovers and friends
It flickers with the dying sun
It clothes everything in twilight
It is the color of many nations, young and old,
It is the doom of us all,
But, also, the hope.

When it comes to these things, Woman is despised.
Her *** is inferior in the face of man.
Her body is disgraced and considered unholy, deemed "temptress" and "defiler".
Why is this so?
What benefit is there to the dichotomy of the ****** and the *****?
Why is there only these two things which woman can aspire to?
Why, when Woman is strong and steadfast as the mountain
Who will not bow no matter how the wind howls!
When Woman is as fierce as the flame that ripples in her heart
and the searing heat of the volcano--
Why, then, is this language so?
Wasteful, wanton
Grotesque, sinful
Disgusting, passive
Unholy, sinful
Why? Why, when her womb creates the very essence of life on earth, is her beauty scorned?
Alas! Her very creations despise her existence
The sons of her ***** lack reverence for their mothers
For the very essence of Woman is taboo.
The apex of her thighs is at once deeply coveted and sincerely ignored
For there exists no greater shame than the moment her ***** first sheds its blood.
That first splash of crimson and black is the end of her girlhood
For once that first blood is drawn, her Womanhood cannot be denied.
At that moment, she becomes Object
No longer human, no longer girl
She is Object
To be coveted and have eyes laid upon her
She is Object
To be salivated over and seen as the ****** plaything of the Male Eye
She is Object, and she is human no more.
After the first emergence of ******* from her ribcage, the first rounding of her hips and thighs,
She is no longer worthy of anything but lust and contempt
For, it is certainly her fault that these sinful feelings arise.
Why on earth would it be the fault of the toxic mindset of Man, of his instinct to pillage and take what is not his?
Woman's body is her own, and yet, she is not treated so
She is laughed at, mocked, and spoken to in rage
Her rights of choice are threatened, soon to possibly go away
What, in this, is there to learn?
Why is our view of Woman so?
The gleam of the Patriarchy is too enticing to those who would change
And damning to those who refuse.
But they should be very afraid.
The righteous might of Woman is a force to be reckoned with.
Because, after all...

Hell hath no fury like a Woman scorned.

Cap is sad, Bucky's down
Nat is crying, Vision is gone
Bruce is nowhere to be found
Star-Lord is screaming, Wanda's weeping,
Okoye hates everything,
Strange is quaking,
Loki may not be dead, no one can tell what was in that trickster's head
Peter says, Mr. Stark, I don't wanna be dead
T'Challa reached for his general, but he was dusted too
Tony says, I'm coming for you
Gamora laughed, she thought he was heartless
But he was heartless in a different way
Red skull thought it was all for naught, saw the error of his ways
Until Thanos coughed and said,
Thor, you should've aimed for the head.

When all else fails, give me color.

Give me crimson
Give me jade
All the different shades
Give me cerulean
Give me fuschia
Give me pea
Let me be, let me see
All the darks, lights, and in-betweens.

When all else fails, give me color.

Give me the color of the sky;
The darkest blacks to the brightest blues,
The oranges, pinks, I'll take any hue.
Let me sing with the roar of the sea
The colors that feed me, that relieve my strife
Please, let my palette come to life.

When all else fails, give me color

Any little shade, take a few
Even if I lay spent, out of breath
Give me one last lovely color
Just one, that's all;
Any vibrant hue.

Flicker, Flicker,
Little Firefly
Flit about and show us why
Why you dance and sing

Flicker about in the night
Show us the way, show us your light
Illuminate the world around you
Give it beauty, with all of your might

Flicker, Flicker,
Little Firefly
Give the world a new mystique
Show us knights and dragons by the fire
Show us lost souls, empires and creatures
Dimly by the fire

Tell your story, come with me
We shall live together and be free
We shall dance in the pale moonlight on your wings
After the flame has long been snuffed
Even with the changing tides
You shall here remain,
My little Firefly.

Sometimes I hate myself for the stupid things I say.
Sometimes I wanna stab you in the face.
Other times I wanna kiss you.
And yet others... I don't think I know you.
Sometimes I have no hope in a hopeless world.
Sometimes I'm flying by Cloud Nine.
Other times I feel so low I might as well be on the other side of the world.
And yet others... I can't stop singing.
Sometimes I can't get enough of you.
Sometimes I can't wait to be alone.
Other times I don't know how we are the same species.
And yet others... I don't know how I live without you.

Those are my happiest times.

The times when I think about how we will never be
and I hate you for existing

Those are my darkest times.

Why do I sit here
When I know what will happen
Why do I stay
When I know you're not here.
I know there's nothing to fear,
But it doesn't make it easier to tamp it down.

I hear the whispering voice in my head
Telling me lies that fill me with dread
She sounds like me, I know she isn't
She is my anxiety,
And I can't hide inside my own head.

When my hands shake and ache
And my stomach seems to spin
When the world goes blurry
My thoughts churn,
And they win.

My vision begins to tunnel
My breathing is hard and fast
I know panicking is pointless
Worrying is worthless
But it's so overwhelming, a tidalwave of terror that washes over me.

You ask why it's so hard without you here.
I need a grounding light
Something to guide me back
Without something to distract me from myself, I go black.
Without a hand to hold or a voice to cling to, I have lost myself again.

Without kindness, I cannot live.

"Worrying means you suffer twice!"

Easy for you to say,
Yet I live this. Worrying means you suffer more than twice.
Anxiety was never a choice, nor a sign of weakness or frailty.
I am not what I suffer from.
It came because I attempted to be strong enough for everyone.

How strange this is to me
A feeling that is completely new
I don't know how to exist, now, without you.
This odd intuition, knowing that I'm incomplete
I'm "not all there"--
I'm not well.

They say I'm psychotic
Well, hell, maybe I'm just bitter
I'm a cynic, I'll admit it
But am I psychotic?
How would I tell?
I don't always feel crazy
Sometimes just a little
Maybe if you show up with a new hickey on your neck, when I’ve been nowhere near you

Maybe I’m insane
I think I might be psychotic
I’m letting my lips touch another that isn’t you
He doesn’t have any red flags, he’s perfectly fine
But despite all of his positive traits,
He isn’t you.
Maybe I really am psychotic
Letting myself use this boy when my thoughts are on you
He’s genuine and kind, but unlike you, he can’t read my mind.

I feel genuinely psychotic
I can’t get you out of my mind
Others whisper “obsession” but it’s not even close
I keep my distance like you asked, I’m not a fool.
I hate what you do to me, and I hate what I do to him
I type sweet nothings, with a few dark things in between
Blood in the ledger, will it ever come clean?

I think I really am psychotic, trying to give myself to him when I know I cannot
Despite how many times I’ve been wronged by others, the only thing I want is you.
He doesn’t deserve this, it’s so ******* dumb
I’m using him and it’s making me numb
I should just tell him I’m done
But I don’t know if I want to be alone.
The worst is that I do, but I don’t.
I wish I didn’t have to deal with the doubt when he’s not around, because as soon as he isn’t, all I can see is you.

When I’m with him, it’s great
We click pretty easily
He’s a little naive, but he’s young and has a big heart
Yet I feel so psychotic
He’s so sweet and asks along the way
Why does it feel so psychotic?
I coo and say I’m having the time of my life
I hate that in my head, I feel like I’m just spewing lies.
Because, after all, it’s you that I think of late at night.
So, call me psychotic for wanting what I can’t have.
**** me for being a liar,
Hurt me and atone my sins,
Crucify me and bleed me dry—
But don’t once say that I never loved you.
You were the only one I did.

As I sag under the weight of the world
As I cry beneath the stars
I cannot help but wait
For you, love, I'll go far.

You smile in the dark
I can't help but stop
You laugh, to my dismay
We will never be the same.

I die a little more every day
As you seem to slip away
You are near less and less
As I catch you chasing a red dress.

Crimson pools around me
Beautiful, sparkling, dangerous
As my vision begins to fade
You were my only, love
And now I've gone away.

You stand there in shock,
Your face torn in disarray
You stop and stare, love
As my life drains to heaven above
Where I will wait.

You pace around, dressed in black and white,
Clutching her hand, gripping my heart in a vice
As I realise your heart isn't here
No, love...
You have long since gone away.

This is my Magnum Opus, to the first boy I’ve ever loved.
The only lips I’ve wanted to kiss.
The only eyes I’ve wanted to drown in.
The only heart that I’ve wanted to possess.
For, after all of the *******, you were the first time I wanted everything.
I don’t even know how it happened so fast—the way my eyes magnetized directly to you, how I wanted you from the first time I caught your eye.
Call it fate, call it destiny—it doesn’t matter to me.
I just want you to love me, dear, as much as I love you.
Maybe I’m crazy.
After all, I’ve known you less than a month.
But I can’t help but feel as though some things were written in the stars.
I loved your face first. That soft smile and pretty eyes with lashes longer than the Nile.
Then I loved your laugh. So visceral and deep, yet soft and cute at the same time.
Your personality, though, that was when I knew I was doomed.
We loved the same movies. We were almost always on the same page. You showed me music that I’d never thought I’d enjoy; but somehow, you knew me so intrinsically.
I think you sealed the deal when I heard you sing.
If there’s one thing I’m defenseless against, it’s a boy who can sing.
Your voice was like melted caramel, so sweet and smooth and enticing—I was doomed from the moment I heard your siren call.
It didn’t help that you met my gaze as you sang, as though I was the only person in the world.
The passion in your face was enough to make me want to collapse. You should never have let me see those bedroom eyes.
I can’t get you out of my mind. Ever.
You’re always in my thoughts.
You whisper to me even when you’re not around.
I can hear what you would say if you were here.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could hide it, make it stop, ignore it.
But it hurts so much when I see you with someone new, you have no idea.
I feel the breath leave my lungs and the life leave my eyes
When I know you don't want me near
I hate myself for what I'm doing to my own heart and mind
But I know I'm defenseless against you.
Not with those soft doe eyes and a smile that makes my knees weak
Not with a scent that puts me completely at ease
I've been in love since I first laid eyes on you
And I may never fall out of love
But the biggest problem isn't that, love makes us human
The problem is, I can't stop the hurt.
The problem is how you have me wrapped around your little finger.
If I thought it would mean your happiness, I would tear myself apart
I would rip my heart from my chest
I would offer you the world at my expense
Because seeing you smile is all that I want.
It hurts when you want to be alone
Because I know how much I hate it.
I don't want to be alone, ever. Not when I could be with you.
You're the common thread in my nights, recently.
Whether we're tangled in my sheets or you're spitting insults, you can't seem to escape my dreams.
I wish it would stop
But all the same, I don’t want you to go
You’re all I want in life, but this makes it hurt all the more.
If only you could offer me something else
Something that I crave
I would be yours forever, darling,
But that’s a confession for another day.

As it has been said a million times before,
It was always you.
Despite the endless parades of partners,
It was always you.
Even in the darkest of times,
Even in the worst of times, in the end?
It was always you.
It didn’t matter how many times you would break
It didn’t matter what I would say
The things that you did kept me awake
For, in the end, love,
It was always you.

I wish you’d known that,
I wish it had been you.
Instead of this paramedic gripping my hand in the dark, telling me to hold on, telling me what to do
Instead of these nameless faces that will, to me, remain forever unknown
It should have been you, dear
It should have been you.
Not a young girl staring at me as she screams and cries
Not a couple having to hide their eyes
You should have been here, love
Yes, you should have been here.

If you really cared
If only you knew
You were the only one who could have stopped it, love,
For, in the end,
It was always you.

What is this feeling
Deep inside my stomach
The ache that happens when I’m reminded
Of everything before?

You existed before I knew you
I know this, it’s true
So why can’t I shake this darkness in my core? Why can’t I breathe around you?

This is something with which I am unfamiliar
This particular feeling of both hunger and satiety
I haven’t wanted to eat for days, but I force it down my throat
It turns to lead in my stomach
Why can’t I cease this ache?

When your eyes meet mine
I’m breathless
I’m so in love it hurts
I’ve been trying to escape this
But in the end, my efforts have no worth.

Irrevocable, undeniable
I cannot help this
Your smile shouldn’t be this indescribable
I’m breathless when it comes to you.

All thoughts cease
My heart races at your casual touch
You’re all I want
And that’s why it hurts.

I guess the worst part isn’t really how I feel
But the fact he doesn’t care to notice how much it hurts
He stays immune to my pain until it’s too late
He just wants to be friends, there’s nothing else to say on that
But I keep holding out hope for the fact that there is some potential...
Someday, maybe we can be more than friends.
Maybe we’ll own a house with a white picket fence.
Perhaps we can get a few dogs, let them run free.
In this instance, for you, I’d give you a daughter.
Only for you, love—only for you.
Someday, maybe we will love
Maybe we will stay up all night talking about life
Someday, maybe, if I play my cards right, you will ask me to be your wife.
They say love is patient, it is kind
I have such a hard time keeping this thought alive.
All I want is you, right now
I don’t know how to keep my hurt to myself.
But perhaps,
Maybe someday,
My wish will come true.

It’s funny how life is
How my biggest fear in life—no, it didn’t happen to me
It touched my best friend instead.

He did something unspeakable
She is broken now
And all I am filled with is unquenchable
Undeniable
Rage.

I want to tear him limb from limb
I want to beat him black and blue
Make his face unrecognizable
Make him regret the things he did to her.
Make him rue the day he made his greatest mistake.

You see, I’m not just a girl.
Beneath all of the soft lines and playful words,
I am a hurricane.
When it comes to her, I will give no mercy.
She is before anyone else in this world.
Like the Hulk, I am filled with rage.

I want to rip and tear
I want to cause him pain
For she has been broken
And I want to stop her hurt.
After all of my promises that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her,
There was nothing I could do.

Maybe that’s where my rage originates.
I wasn’t there when she needed me.
Well, darling, I’m coming.
And I carry the rage of woman behind me.

There are moments when I cannot let anyone see beneath my surface,
For what would they say if they knew how deep these waters go?

My smiles are light and airy, full of hope for tomorrow
But how much, about me, do you really know?
Do you see the stillness in my eyes, when she says the things that cause hurricanes below?

You may not notice, but that's the point.
No one should know how my waters run far too deep.
There are far happier people, who live normal lives
What must it be like?

How would it feel to want to live to see tomorrow, willingly, every day, for the rest of my life?
Would my eyes be a little brighter?
Would my gaze find love wherever it chose to roam?
I know not, I may never will--
For these waters run deep.

Pools of sadness that bleed for several leagues each
You cannot escape once you lose sight of the waves
The light can only reach so far, my dear,
Beyond that, it's just my demons and me.

Deep waters don't always run still
This, you will know
If you ever decide to take the leap,
Dare to peer into my dreams,
And discover what lies within my deep.

Thoughts as dark as ebony, urges to hurt the skin that covers me
You know not what lies beneath.
The hatred that fills my lungs as I gaze into a mirror
The hurt at my own innermost thoughts
"You're not ever good enough"
You have no idea how hard it is to shut them out.

I sequester myself away, struggling to stay afloat
But you have no clue how much effort it takes
For me to keep going, day to day.
I sometimes wish someone else knew that my waters run deep
I sometimes wish you knew how deep my love was for you
But then, dear,
I'd be afraid that you would drown.

For, if there is one thing of which I am certain,
It's that I will die a thousand deaths in my own mind
Before I let anyone (least of all you)
Know the extent of my dark.

Though you’re long dead and gone
I can’t help but wonder how it might’ve went
If you’d come in that day.
I wouldn’t have lost a part of my heart
I wouldn’t have cried out my eyes
I would’ve seen your beautiful smile
What I wouldn’t give to see it one last time.

Sometimes I think you were my first true love
More than a crush, because I remember you.
Your soft voice and your sweet eyes
You towered over me but you were so kind
You made me laugh and you made me cry
But, darling, why—
I didn’t want it to end that way.

I was going to ask you to homecoming.
I never got the chance.
I never knew how you felt, darling—
I wish I had more time.
Because I simply can’t stop remembering—
No, no matter how hard I try.

Though you’re dead and gone
Up amongst the stars
I can’t help but wonder
What we could’ve been like.
Days filled with laughter, sitting beneath the pines
Talking about everything and nothing
You could’ve been mine.

We danced that year
What a wonderful night
You were the first time my heartbeat raced
Dear old friend of mine.
I sometimes wish I could stop remembering
But I know that would be a lie.
Because though you’re dead and gone, darling,
I still wonder from time to time.

What if we kissed in the moonlit snow
Hidden behind that low brick wall
Surrounded by the vines?
What if you could hold me close
And never want to let go
When all was said and done?
What if we could be happy
Ever after, after all
Could it be true love?

If only these things happened in reality,
If only it wasn’t just a dream.

Yes, I dreamt of you last night.
I thought of others as I drifted off to sleep
But none of them can keep my headspace.
I want to die every day
Waiting
Wanting
Hurting.
I dreamt of you and it was so real that when I woke up I cried a little.
Because though I could still feel your breath on my skin and the bite of the cold
It wasn’t real.
You don’t love me.
My life feels a waste.
To love so deeply and be slapped in the face
With the words, “I don’t feel for you that way”
God is a cruel master
I feel like dying
For it was so real, so lovingly true (at least to me,)
That when I woke up
I died a little.

What if we really caressed as lovers do
Under the falling icy sky
Deep within the brambles?
What if we really touched and loved and smiled
Living for one another
Under that grey sky?
What if we really were as one
And my days were not wasted pining
And I was truly happy?

What if I could find someone who pushed you out of my mind?
Can I even hope to be happy?
I doubt it, love
Because until I can
I will continue to want to die.

It sparkles, it gleams
It covers us completely
It dusts the air we breathe
It lingers in our dreams.

The weight of it as it engulfs us
The glorious, beauteous death
The shining, glowing horror
As our own gold chokes us to death.

Our will to shine
Our own noose, so divine
Why should we leave, when there is so much to be?
We are as we are,
These gleaming corpses
These lovely souls are we.

I’ve got no right to be angry
After all, you were never mine
I’ve got no right to be angry
But I feel it all the time
You were never mine to have
But she still drives me ****** mad
Yeah the way you kiss her drives me mad
I’ve got no right to be angry
Yet I’m caught staring at this daydream
Wondering what you would feel like beneath my skin

Every time I think I’m over you
Every time I think I’ve had enough
You manage to say something that makes my heart stop and my mind race
My happiness fades and I’m left with these pieces of broken glass
All of that hope, shattered and wasted
No matter how long I take
No matter how hard I try
I can’t get over you
I can’t stop myself from caring, so here, I cry
You leave me desolate, but you are my oasis
It hurts to see you sad and lonely
But it hurts even more to see your heart soar
I just want the pain to stop
I just want to look at you and not want to **** your brains out
I just want my best friend back.
I would give my soul if it would make everything okay between us.
I miss you so much.
But I miss my happiness, too. Every time I see you my mind screams with jealousy over stupid things that you do
I want to monopolize your time
But that’s not for me to choose.
Every time I think I’m over you
You decide to do something small, something new
You change your hair
You change your clothes
Every time, I break a little more.
You couldn’t be more perfect for me in all that you are; the only way, love, was if you felt for me the same way I do for you.

I knew it was love
When I stopped caring about myself
And all I saw was you.
The world stopped spinning,
The planets all aligned,
And all I saw was you.

It was then, I think,
I died a little.
You feel nothing of the like for me
I know this, it's true
The stars shine, not for me, but for you
It was then,
I died a little.

When our messages became curt and short
When you became distracted by everyone else
I think I died a little.

I missed you more than my own vitality
I hurt more when she hurt you
I don't know what's wrong
All I know is,
I think I died a little.

I hope someday we can speak of this
I hope you will see how our souls are tied
Because I will, eventually, need you to know
Just how many times, for you,
I died.

Suffocate me with your eyes
Be the cause of my glorious demise
**** me softly, save your breath
There is nothing in you I regret

Sometimes I forget to breathe
Sometimes I cannot speak
I lose myself in you all at once
You make me lose my mind, I'm insane
How do you destroy me so beautifully?
Why do you break me?
What is it in each other that we find?
Why is it you find in me your delight?

Suffocate me with your eyes
Don't stop me, let me die
**** me softly, use that breath
There is nothing I don't regret.

You make me unable to breathe
With you around, I cannot speak
I lose myself along the way
You lead me along the path and before you know it, I'm gone
I'm insane
How do you destroy me in such a brilliant way?
Why do you break me to suit you?
What is it that, in me, you seem to like?
Why is it you delight in my pain?

Suffocate me with your eyes
Stop me in my tracks, let me cease
**** me softly with feather-light breath
Press those lips close to this skin
So that there will be nothing I will regret.

I'm unable to breathe
I cannot speak
You make me so unbearably weak
I've lost myself, and I've found you instead
Have I gone completely insane?
Maybe you can exist in my stead
I feel insane
Maybe you should just leave me to break
To exist in this gory glory
Stop this heart, halt these thoughts
Delight in my ache
Find joy in my spite
And, in the end,
Love me with all of your might.

I saw you in a dream the other night
You were beautiful and perfectly alright
You smiled at me and I think my heart broke
For I haven’t seen that in so long, I think it was a cruel joke
You hurt so good, you feel so bad
I want you back, but I know it will never be my path.

I saw you in a dream
You smiled at me
Love radiated from your heart
When I awoke, I nearly fell apart
What a cruel trick to play on me
Not when I’m still grieving?

I saw you in a dream
I know it’s a sign
I have to stop the delay and just say, it’s over, fine
I miss you so, but I hurt so much more
For when I saw you, I wanted to die.

I saw you in a dream,
You were looking at me
With such a soft laugh and a half-lie
Nothing could make me stop this,
No matter how hard I try.
For this could never be enough.

I saw you in a dream
And I felt my heart scream
I wanted to steal you away
Maybe hold you hostage
But this, I know, would not be true
For you are yours, I could never do that to you
Still I felt my soul rend at your sweet face
For in the end, you’re not one I can erase.

I saw you in a dream
I wanted to forget
But still you remain
A taunt, a trick
You haunt my sleep and my wake
You are the demon I cannot shake
I miss you and hate you
To me, it’s all the same.

Because you are to me narcotic
You’re slowly killing me with this lethargy
I really need it to stop
But I don’t want you to stop

But if you don’t go
I know
That my heart will surely stop

Because you are so narcotic
Together we’re so lethargic
And I’m begging you to stop
Maybe we aren’t meant to be
And you know you’re killing me
But we both know that you aren’t gonna stop

My heartbeat is slowing now
As the time has come
We are joined now
As I feel your apathy
It has become my own
And I can’t help
But stop



I feel it in my veins
It’s stopping all my pain
But is this what you had wanted?
I’ll be forever haunted
The whispers in my blood are slowly dying out
You should make this time truly count

For if you go
My heart will surely stop

You are my narcotic
You make my pain go away
You dull the sharp edges
You make the world blur
You’re my narcotic
And I don’t want you to stop.

It hides beneath her skin
It lurks in her mind
It shimmers underneath her smiles and happy times
You can't always see it
But it never, ever leaves

The turbulent thoughts that swirl in a slipstream
They never really disperse
It may seem as though the world is at peace
But to her, it's falling apart at the seams.

How couldn't you see it?
Why didn't you try?
You only saw what you wanted in her
You never noticed the tears she cried
Only if it suited you
Did you hold her close
I hope the thought of it makes you choke.

It was always in the bathrooms at 3 am when everyone else was asleep
When there was no one else in her entire world
When she was so far beyond help, so far gone
She ached over you and it didn't matter
Not in the end
For you, she had her last breath.

Do you see it now?
All of the times where she laughed too hard
Where she smiled too wide
Everything was a lie
How couldn't you see it?

I bet that it's so clear
Now that she's no longer here
I bet you're disgusted with yourself
I hope you choke on the guilt
Because you see it now, don't you?
How the pain was eating her from the inside
How her smiles never reached the deadness in her eyes

Now you see it
When she's gone
You only know how much you cared
After it's been ripped from you, too.

Now you see it
The way she loved you so hard
How her eyes always seemed to find you in a crowded room
The smiles and laughter that was only for you
I hope you choke on the flower petals that she coughed for you
Because, in the end, all of her pain and suffering?
Don't you see?
It was all for you.

I know I’m not perfect.
I never claimed to be.
But honestly, love,
She’s much less perfect than me.

I expected more from her, maybe less from you
All I know is that this feels so wrong, love
She shouldn’t be with you.
I thought she was my friend, but now she’s gone too
You’ve stolen her away, love
I expected more from you.

I know I’m not perfect. That much is true.
But when you said you didn’t want my baggage, love,
I suppose that wasn’t true.
She has more problems than I do.
She’s been abused and scarred and is aggressively neurotic
She’s positively catatonic
When nothing goes her way, she makes an embarrassing display
So why, love, did you choose her?

She’s a walking skeleton, with hollow eyes and a plain face
I know I’m not a super model, love
But even I can see that she looks out of place.

I’m not perfect, love
She knows it, you know it, I do too
But someday you’ll see, love
She’s got more baggage than even you.

She’s so different from what you call attractive
I can’t discern why she’s with you
I can only guess that you don’t know her at all.
If you knew the large amounts of baggage she carries, you’d run away from her too.

She must be lying to you, love.
Either about her life, or about who she is.
Putting her best foot forward is different, love, if she’s withholding the truth.

I know I’m not perfect, this much I do
But I hope you’re not true
Because, after all, love, she’s much less perfect than you.

I have the feeling you’re a revenge ****. Her ex hates you with all his being.
I almost wish that were true, love.
Because I’d give anything for this to not be real.

This distance between us, I feel it killing me from the inside
Despite your reassurances everything will be okay
I still want to cry.
You're leaving me slowly, day by day.

I want him, but he isn't here
Even though he isn't you, I had hope for the future.
I wanted him, I still do
But it's hard to try when I keep thinking of you.

I keep getting caught in the in-between.

He's already said, "I love you"
Of that, I'm not entirely sure
But his lips felt better than yours ever did
And now, I'm of two worlds.

I've wanted him since he first started to speak
With those dulcet tones so deep
His smile and laugh were all too sweet
But he still remains out of reach.

I keep getting caught in the in-between.

I ridicule those who cannot choose
Despite the fact that, with this decision, I am in their shoes.
He understands me, but not like you do
I hate my brain and how it overthinks, especially when it comes to you.

I haven't heard from him in months
Over this, my heart aches
I worry that he isn't okay
For the things his parents screamed about not long ago are too worrying to say.

At first glance, the stone seemed an ordinary thing.
Its surface smoothed with age, the edges and geometric shape seemingly unerring.
It was neither square nor round nor pyramidal, but more closely resembling a trapezoidal figure.
It had lips and valleys, edges and crevices. It was, without further inspection, a simple dark rock.
But, this was no ordinary stone.
If scrutinized, it could be seen...
Millions of shining fragments just beneath the surface, disappearing and appearing, flickering in and out of sight when tilted different ways.
This too could be explained away.
It was only an unrefined piece of blue goldstone, right?
Not so, for it was only upon the closest investigation that its true nature could be seen: when intently inspected, when held in just the right light, it seemed to fill the entire room with stars.
In this light, you held an entire universe in the palm of your hand.

I'm always so cold
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm a frozen fortress, untouchable
Until I see you, love,
Until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
You send this heart beating again
I want nothing less than to feel this all of the time
I want to remain as alive as I am when I'm with you.
Your warmth is the only light in my darkness,
Though I know it's untrue for you--
I can't help it, love.

I'm always chilled to the bone
I feel like I could freeze water with my touch,
Like I could shatter someone with a single icy gaze
Until I see you, love,
Until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
I feel again when I'm with you
I'm made real, I'm no longer a mirage
I want nothing in life than to make you feel it, too.
Because you make me feel alive,
More than ever before.
Though I know it's untrue for you--
But I still can't help it, love. I've fallen for you.

I'm always so above it all
I pretend to not acknowledge that I'm not fine
But you should know the truth--
I'm never fine
Not until I see you, love--
Not until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
You break the ice that cages this dead heart
You make me feel alive,
But I don't know what to do
Because, if anything, I do the opposite for you.

I don't even know what to do anymore
I hate how you always dominate my mind
If I could move on, don't you think I would?
I just want the pain to stop, but it won't
Do you see my dilemma?
Do you understand what's going on?
With you around, I can never notice anyone.

No matter how hard I try, you keep me preoccupied
Even when that cutie across the way smiles at me
All I can think, is why don't you look at me like that?
Do you see my dilemma, now?
You say you don't believe in love
You're evidence enough that soulmates exist
I just want to be your everything
And the problem is, until I fall out of love
(Something I don't ever want to do)
Everyone else will be second place
When compared to you.

Do you see my dilemma?
I can't even think about anyone else
I try so hard to be distracted by something, anything--
But you've got me smitten
I've fallen so hard for you.

I'm not interested in anything but forever with you.
Do you see this dilemma?
We're at an impasse, we're stuck
All because stupid me had to fall in love
This constant ache in my chest
What will take it away? I can't even guess
I just wish you would do something to make me fall out of love
So that the ******* pain would stop.

I just want to hold you close
I want your skin on mine all of the time
Our hands that are perfect in size
The height of yours that makes you perfect for me to kiss
You had to be made for me
So why won't this dilemma end?

You've been so distant lately
It makes me want to ******* die
Because I know you're trying to make sure you're not leading me on
Well, too late, love--I already delude myself every day.
You're slowly killing me
Simply from this growing space
All I want is to put that perfect smile back on your face.
Be my best friend again.
It doesn't matter how many times I break,
You know it will always be the same.

If I have to keep dying, if I have to leave or stay
Whatever it takes, love
I just want this dilemma to go away.
I would wait forever if I could
I might be stuck either way
Because no matter what
I can't get these feelings to dissipate.

Do you see my dilemma?
I just want to love you, make sure you're protected
I want to lock your heart away in a golden box,
So no one will ever hurt you again
You're everything and nothing, to me, my dear
Oh, why won't this dilemma go away?