When he left me, it hurt.
Then all I felt was rage, I'll admit, at first.
Clarity came last, for what it was worth.

The more I reflect on us, the more I look
The more I see, the further I gaze
He was never perfect.
All of the aches and the pain that he brought
He didn't deserve the love I offered.
His promises were a shiny veneer over plastic
Made to look like precious metal, but underneath existed nothing of worth.
He took his leave, he left of his own will
Of this, I'm sure, was a blessing in disguise.

The rose-colored-lenses have come off.
I can finally see, now
That he wasn't even good--
No...
He was the worst.
He tortured and played
Pulled my strings, and I obeyed
He wanted me to fall apart and put me back incorrectly
So that when he failed, he could just leave
Leave with no further explanation
Not even a lie
He simply left me with a pile of promises
And finally, clear eyes.

When he left me, I thought something in me died.
Perhaps it did.
But I think it was a good change, I won't lie.
I don't miss him. This much, I can say is true.
If anything, I rue the way things changed
I wish I could have controlled it, how soon
I shouldn't have gotten attached at all.
No matter, anyway.
I've overcome that pain, I've found someone new
He actually wants me, of this I'm sure
And because I'm finally over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
My freshly-healed wings are finally able to fly.

In der ganzen Welt,
Von allen Menschen, die existieren,
Es gibt niemanden wie dich, keinen,
Liebe,
Du bist einzigartig.

Von allen Blumen,
Von allen Heiligen,
Von jeder Schönheit hier,
Du bist der reinste.
Du bist der Hellste.
Du bist der Liebste.

You are the knife that sets me free
I can deny the pain but I can't escape
There are things that even you cannot see
Nothing is as it seems, love,
Oh, no--nothing is at all what it seems.

I would go to the ends of the earth, love
I would jump from a moving train
If only it would change your mind
If only you would hold me and never let me go again

I've never known such beautiful pain
It's never been this wonderful and horrible all the same
Why does it hurt so, love?
Why must you make me cry and bleed my heart out this way?

This ache in my chest every time you look at me
The sting in my eyes whenever you're held by someone new
I don't know how to describe it
Only that it feels as though I'm falling for you.

In all honesty, everything *****.
Nothing went as planned
The **** hit the ceiling all too fast

People hate each other
The planet's dying
Businessmen run the country
More stupidity exists than ever
What else could go wrong?!

Everything seems so genuinely ******
But... honestly?

The world's still spinning,
Marvel's movie streak is still winning,
And my mother is still grinning.

If there are things I can find to live for
If this abrasive ******* cynic can do it
You can, too.
Honestly.

Honestly
You make me numb
Like I don't know whether I should scream or cry
Do I walk away?
I feel like I am going to die
You bring out the worst of me, dear
Despite everything, even when I'm numb
Even when I am colder and harder than ice
You manage to break through the surface and hurt me
Even through this lethargy and dull ache
You hurt me so good, it aches so well
And yet I just want it to stop
You make me numb, but you break through it too
Honestly
I just wish you'd stop.

Stop acting like you care.
Stop pretending I matter.
Just let me go numb.
Your beautiful words scatter in your absence
And there's nothing I can do to protect against their sharp fragments.
So just stop, why don't you?
Let me go, allow me to stop feeling
For anything would be better than constant aches and pains when you're not around.
After all of this, our time has been short
And somehow it feels as though I've known you for years.
Why can't I numb myself against your smiles and laughter? Why can't I harden my heart against your soft reassurances that you care?
You don't act like you do.
You ignore me for days, without a single explanation or word
Then pop up out of the blue, with maybe one word
You don't answer me when I ask if you're okay
And when I say that I'm not,
You don't even bat an eye.
Let's face it, dear:
Even though it was never me
It was always you.

“The rolling sea is gloomy!” The gentlemen cried.
“The tossing waves are bleak!
We should turn back to England,
For we grow feeble, frail, and weak!”

“To me, to me, my soldiers!” Captain Smith replied,
“My faithful servants, do not despair;
Soon we shall be free
From these churning seas!
With her rolling jaws,
Agape her maw,
From her surface we shall not be erased
Nor shall we come to rest in her embrace.”

“All hope is lost, for Davvy Jones we are bound!
What monstrosities shall we arouse?” Master Wingfield said hurriedly.
“We gentlemen beg you to cease
This suicidal journey through the briny deep!”

“We shall continue,” Smith scowled, “Otherwise I shall keelhaul you!
You gentlemen make me sick,
The lot of you wish to quit!
Virginia lies in wait;
Yet, you want to abdicate
The contract we have signed on the dotted line?
For that you shall be bound!”

No matter how many times you break me
I'll keep crawling back to you
I'll even apologize for something I can't explain
Because despite everything, no matter how hard I try
You're like a disease, I can't get you out of my brain

No matter how many times you **** me from the inside out
I'll keep running back to you
Because tortured life with you around
Is far better than a life without
Despite my protests to the contrary,
When you're not here I become incredibly weak
Why do you do this to me?

No matter how many times I die for you
No matter how many times I self-crucify
I know you won't care,
You won't bat an eye
You'll frown and say, "It's not like I'm trying to hurt you,"
When you know exactly what it is that makes me die a little more every day

I can't even enjoy others
Because the thought of you with someone else makes me sick to my stomach
I hate how much it hurts
Because no matter how many times you destroy my carefully constructed walls
I will always return to you.

I regret this distance between us
The length that could span entire galaxies
Something I hoped I would never have to see
When you pull--when you look away from me.

I miss this closeness we once shared
The times when nothing else could stop us
I guess I loved you, more than you could bear--

You're trying to save me.

I know you are.

You want to stop my rapid descent towards the rocks and tides below.
That's something you don't understand, love.
I'm already there.
My heart has already decided.
It's more than I want, but I'm helpless.

You care enough to try to spare me the heartache that you know you cause
You want to leave me in one piece, alive, whole
But, oh, darling--you don't even know!
You shatter me every day, but you remake me into something beautiful and new. Different from before.

It sounds strange, love.
But you cannot do anything to halt the tides.

Though you would try, this heart cannot beat for anyone but you.
These tides are set in the moon,
And I, like her, revolve around you.

Such a strange sensation
To come so close to losing you.
You say you're not going anywhere, but I know you will leave.
They always do.
Despite your better efforts to remain apart from everyone else, I see right through you.
You're just the same.
They're just like you.

I regret this distance between us, love.
I haven't quite yet accepted my fate.
You say you miss me and want to see me,
But do not make the effort.
I miss the days you wanted to talk every day.
I think that's the hurt that will never go away.

Though I know your heart beats for someone else,
I can't stop my thoughts from tumbling along the familiar suspicions.
Do you feel something for me, after all?
Rationally, I know I'm a fool.
I know you love me as a friend, a confidant, nothing more.
So why can't I get you out of my brain?
You torture me in tiny heartbreaking ways,
The way you have others hanging off of you left and right,
The way you sing without thinking about it,
How you cut your hair just the way I like,
The soft admissions that you should be worrying about me and not the other way around--
How do you manage to tear me apart every single time?
I can't stop the ache when you offhandedly mention how attractive she is,
And I have to catch my breath when you flirt with everyone except for me.
What did I do wrong that made you not want to be with me?
What sort of cruel joke has God made, letting me find my soulmate when I'm not his?
Why am I not enough? I'm not a supermodel, but I can be beautiful when I try... So why doesn't anyone notice?
I have the worst sort of luck falling for my friends,
Mark this the seventh occurrence on my ledger
Perhaps when it finally reverses my luck, my karma will be so great that you will change your mind.
Maybe I'll find someone better.
Until then, though, there's nothing I can do to stop my racing thoughts.
They run circles round and round my head, torturing my mind with thoughts of inadequacy and imperfection--
Why? What have I done to deserve all of this pain?
I may never know, and that scares me the most.
I can only hope you will come to love me in time,
Before we part ways and before our time is done
For, you, love--
You're all I want in life.

If there’s one thing I hate,
It’s the word, “love.”
Everybody is in love with love.
With the flowers and chocolates and kisses and caresses,
It makes me sick.
It makes me want to cry.
Not because I don’t want it,
But because I know I don’t get to try.

There’s a guy who happens to be my best friend.
He’s smart, suave, and ****, but to what end?
I feel as though I want to drown in his breath, but I know that is only a dream.
Real love is never equal.
We idealize it to be a perfect give and take,
But it’s more likely going to be one person selling their soul for the object of their affections.
Giving every part of them that they can,
To receive pittance in return.
Maybe I’m just a cynic.
But I have yet to see “true love.”

Don’t get me wrong—I’ve felt more deeply for him than anyone else.
But in the grand scheme of things, it’s all just one big joke.
A great cosmic prank made by the universe.
We all search for love, and many of us never find it.
If we do, it’s even fewer who find it returned.
I hate myself and how I feel,
Not because he’s a bad guy (he’s probably better than 80% of the male population I’ve known),
But because I know he doesn’t feel the same.

So why do I harbor this sudden hate for a word so gentle and vulnerable?
Perhaps it’s because I’ve been neglected by it.
No one who isn’t family has shown me love.
There’s friendship, sure, but it doesn’t hold a candle to love.
That burning sensation in your skin as you feel as though you would do anything to make them happy, to keep them safe.
The ache in your chest when they want something you can’t give them.
Because, in the end,
I’ve always felt as though I was cursed.

To be a female and to remain unwanted is a pitiful thing.
I still don’t know what it is that I’m doing wrong.
I’m pretty enough when I try.
I’m smarter than your average teenager.
I have opinions that I’ve formed for myself, and I know how to support them.
So why doesn’t anyone want to give me the time of day?
I know it’s not what I say.
Other girls are the same, and they managed to find someone who is their match.
So why am I ignored?
Why am I invisible?

Even you, love, can’t give me a single reason as to why you don’t feel how I do.

I’ve never understood why people are so infatuated with love. Sure, everyone wants to feel important.
That’s just the human condition.
But, the idea of sappy, Hallmark-greeting-card love, full of promises and truth?
I suppose I only hate it because I can’t have it.

Honestly, I hate almost everything about him.
I wouldn’t change a thing, but I still hate him for what he makes me feel.
I hate feeling vulnerable and weak.
That’s what he does to me.
Breaks me down into a shivering mess of a person, destroying all of my barriers and still managing to smile and say, “you’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
He says he enjoys being around me.
Why does he have to make it so hard?
I hate the way that he makes me feel.
I just wish he would hold me tight and never let go. Is that too much to ask?
Am I going crazy?
Sometimes, I wonder.

I hate him and his stupid cute brown eyes,
The ones I want to drown in.
I despise the smile he gives me when he first sees me, how it makes me want to melt.
I hate how all I can think about is how he would feel if his mouth touched mine.
I loathe the way his hands seem to be the perfect size to hold my own.
I hate the soft blond hair that I want to bury my hands in.
I hate the sense of humor we share.
I hate our favorite music, the songs he always plays when I’m around.
I don’t want to just be friends.
But I will, because painful life with him around is better than nothing at all.

Though I'm better and I will not recede to that dark place,
My mind is not without doubt.
Anxiety fills this mind and my eyes lock on the parts of my body I could do without.
I don't often like how I look,
Though I don't hate what I see.
(I may never be a fan, but that's something for another day.)
My little voices like to point out all of my insecurities--

Yes, this mind is filled with doubt.
Family and friends chitter and laugh--
"What do you mean? Stop being a pout!"
They don't see what I see
In the end, that's not a bad thing
But still--this mind is full of doubt.

My stomach isn't flat enough.
My skin isn't smooth enough.
My hair is too dull.
My chin has a bit too much fluff.
I weigh too much, I'm obnoxious,
Nothing I say will ever stop my ugliness.

This mind isn't without doubt.
I will try as hard as I possibly can  
I will overcome this.
I'm strong enough. I am.
But please, for now--understand.
This mind is full of doubt.
I sometimes forget how worthy I am.

Lips like scarlet
Hair like spun gold
Eyes that flash silver
A heart that is never cold

She tries so hard to hide it
For, if only they knew
She would be butchered alive
For the pain she feels for you.

She feels so deeply
It cannot be undone
She tries so hard to become dead inside
But truly, she has a heart unlike any other one.

She feels the movement of the earth,
She understands the spin of the skies
She hurts for those in mourning,
She despises those who make her feel.

She loves too deeply, too quickly, too hard
She becomes like the mountain,
But is not as strong
The tears she weeps
As she cries herself asleep
Are evidence enough of that.

She works harder than any man
She tries so very hard
She attempts to keep it all to herself
But these thoughts spill, nonetheless,
Upon the written page.
The hurt, the ache,
It keeps her awake, for in this world
There is nothing under the sun that is worse
Than to feel empathy for those who make you hurt.

Sometimes I think the worst part about loving you
Isn’t the hurt you cause when you’re away
Sometimes I think the worst part is how you give me a feeling that I can’t satisfy...
Honey, you make me want to sin.
Horribly, messily, disgustingly—sin.

I’m not the ****** type
Never was, probably won’t ever be
But ooh, honey—you make me want to sin.

I want to feel your hands on my skin, a gentle caress I can’t breathe without
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to lose all of this self-doubt
Because honey, you make me want to sin.

I fear God, I don’t want to disappoint
I know you think He doesn’t exist,
But honey, you’re proof enough of just how real He is.
You’re proof enough that the Devil is bent on making me sin.
With those soft doe eyes and a smile that slays,
With the sharp eyebrows that frame your face,
That infectious laugh that leaves me in a daze—
Honey, you make me want to sin.
You never leave me satisfied,
Not with this aching slick you leave between my thighs
‘Tis enough to drive me mad, because honey—
You make me want to sin.

Oof, the way you sing absentmindedly at any time of day,
The soft expressions that you make
The awful memes you display
Oh, Lord—you make me want to sin.

I can’t stop you from racing around in my thoughts
You’ve moved in, taken up residence, and I’m caught
Caught up in your scent, your smile, your eyes
Hair I want to bury my fingers in
A body I want to cling to
Oh, honey—you make me want to sin.

I find it so infuriating
How you manage to occupy my every waking thought.
Here I thought I was immune to your charms
(After all, it’s been two months)
But then you had to go and get that haircut
Yes, you know the one—
That **** undercut that drives me insane.

You’ll be the death of me, this I swear
For this is so much more than I’m meant to bear
I want to love you, I want to leave you—
Anything I will do to stop this strain.
Darling, I love you so much more than, aloud, I will say.
The ache in my chest as you look away, confirming we are not a thing
No, we’re just friends
Despite the feelings that run so deep for you
You still want to remain the same.

So you settle, then—
Occupying my every little thought
Fogging up my brain in ways I can’t explain
Destroying my self confidence and building it up in other ways
My darling, why do you have to take up residence in my every little thought.

Maybe I'm not okay,
But I'm not as blue.
I'm much happier today
Than I was a month ago, or even two.

I don't hurt as deeply,
I feel alright--
I can stand on my own two feet
I'm able to exist under my own might.

I don't think about dying every night.
Even when I'm painted in those brilliant red hues
As embarrassment dusts my cheeks,
I'm alright.

Better than alright.
I might even be almost okay.
Is that even possible?
Is that something I can do?
I'm better than alright,
I might almost be okay.

If you look closely, you'll see
I'm not as broken as I used to be.
My smile is a little wider,
My eyes a little brighter,
My heart a little lighter.

I've learned to live again
An independence that was once lost
It has been unearthed, it has found refrain
No more than a week did it cost;
Vitality once again flows through these veins.

I'm better, now.
I don't let the small things touch my mind
Stress has left me, something that only time can profess
I am not as unkind
I will continue to get better.
This, I will vow.

Tears will not streak down this face
Blades will not grace this skin
I have made myself stronger through ache,
Though it was a hard battle fought,
I am better. I will not quake.
I am steadfast in myself.
This is not someone you can easily break.

I want to scream,
I want to cry,
But the devils are in the walls
And they make me wanna hide,
Just hide
And sigh

You're all that's left of me
And my broken heart
And I tried so hard
But the devils in the walls are laughing at me
They watch and wait and
I'm helpless to stop them
So I just want to hide.

I don't know what I can do
Other than sit here and stare at you
She leans against your chair,
You do nothing to fight back
I want to die
But instead, I'm paralyzed
You do nothing to halt her advances
Though you feel nothing the same for her
I hate myself more and more
As I can only sit here and stare at the floor.

I cannot move, I'm transfixed
How would it look to see my name on those thirsting lips?
Lovingly inflected, as though I'm the only one on your mind?
Surely, I will never know
It's only been a short while, we've barely begun
And yet I find myself craving your touch more than I can show.
Paralyzed, I cannot speak
Instead, I internally weep and feel loss for the thing I have no right to grieve.

Someday, my friend
When all of this has passed away
When the night goes still
When all has faded and we're turning gray
I promise I'll still be there, waiting here with you
Laughing along when the skies are dark
In the bright moonlight, fading away
Till our time is done
I will be here, dear
Remembering all of our past.
For, though it has passed,
It shall, in our hearts, remain.
Yes, I shall love you till the rest of my days
Like the sister I never had,
I will protect you from everything I can
Because, love, SlytherPuff is the best recipe for friendship.
When even these mortal coils have cracked and faded away
When they say all is lost
Nothing can bring us down, not when we're together
For, in the end,
You shall always be my best friend.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little,
The times when your eyes locked on mine
Perhaps those stolen moments when I couldn't tell
Your boundaries seemed to blur,
We couldn't be anything more...

Sometimes I wanna forget a little,
Stop the replays running through my brain
Put an end to all of the feelings that come rushing back
But I don't know where to look.
What moment in time could I possibly erase?
I don't know what I could possibly do that would ease this pain.
There's no way to know what tiny action of yours spelled my doom
What prolonged glance, what specific touch sent me spiraling over the edge.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Just a few little things.
Something to just--take away the pain.
I know I don't hurt as bad as before,
I hope I never again feel that depth of ache
But that doesn't mean everything stopped.

I see the distance in your eyes as you look away,
Something here will never be the same.
What could I do to mend this break?
What has changed?
Something will never be the same.

I want to go back to how we were before
When everything was still beautiful and new
Our long talks on the patio with the sun in the sky
Watching the birds fly overhead our little deserted place
Where no one intruded and we were at peace.

Though nothing will ever be the same, I miss it still
I remember all of the hurt you've been caused
I remember all of the small things that, together, spelled my love for you.
The way your voice could be just for me
The eyes that could see into my soul
What did you see that you didn't like?
Do you regret all of this hurt that you've caused?
Don't stop on my account, love--it is such a decadent pain.
Nothing you could do would make me go away.
No hurt would be too great.
Perhaps it's a little self-destructive--but since when did you care, anyway?
You're already doing to yourself a thousand times worse than anything I could try to replicate,
Even I don't hate myself as much as you...

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Stop the memories playing in my head
End the secret whispers that only I know
I don't want to know all of the insecurities beneath the muscles and pretty eyes
I don't want to know what makes you tick.
Maybe it was better when it was love from afar.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Lose that caress, ignore that murmur
Stop the soft moments and end the seconds that screeched to a halt
The moments that lasted for hours but ended too fast all at once
I just wish I could forget what I've lost.

Is it even possible?
I still love you,
(I don't think that will ever stop)
Yet it doesn't ache as much when you're around.
Sometimes my chest still lurches when you comment on someone else
But it isn't as dire as before.

When you smile at me, my heart still soars
When we lock eyes, I feel as though I can't breathe
This may never change, love,
Even if you find someone else.

I found time for myself,
I took a break from the world
I let my mind wander
I left the old me behind.
We are still much the same,
With jokes and references galore, laughter and smiles abound--
But my self-image is much more sound.
I don't hate what I see looking back at me
When I catch the mirror's eye
I feel... almost alright.

I tested the waters with someone else;
At first, the world seemed right
We had much in common, it was almost perfect
But he wasn't ready, still hung up on someone else.
It hurt, I'll admit
But I think I always knew he wasn't an option
He was just a stepping-stone.

I discovered many a thing about myself through him:
I don't want lips on my lips,
I just want a body to hold close.
I already have everything I truly need.

It hurts, but not as bad as before
For now, my heart is once again able to soar
My friends love me,
As do you
So, for now,
Until I find someone else,
I am content. I am happy. I will be okay.
Until you find someone else.

Do you know how much it hurts?
If you did, would you even care?
I'm dying slowly from the ache.
I don't know what to say.

Will you **** me, dear?
Will you be the cause of my death?
It feels as though I'm already dying,
I sometimes wish I was dead--
I would do anything, love, so I could stop feeling
Because anything and everything, right now, is far too much.

You bare my sins to your soul
There's nothing I can hide
The only thing I can, love, is how much I want to die
You see everything else
You know what is behind most of my jokes
You want to help, love
But you don't.

Do you really want to know?

Do you?

Probably not.

You're still struggling and healing
You have things to work through for yourself.
I just wish I could get over this whole thing
You're a ******* and the cause of so much pain
I shouldn't love you, and yet I do
For the things you don't let any of our friends see
No, only me.

**** me, please.
You don't know, and that's the worst.
But I'm not going to tell you, dear.
I'll suffer in silence, for, to you, that's all I'm worth.
Silence and empty messages
Strings of words and faded thoughts
All I want is for this pain to stop
Do you know this, dear?
No.
I think not.

The worst part about being me is the days when I hate myself more than words can describe
Talk to me in a couple of days & I'll be just fine, nothing will get in my way
But until that day, I need you to go away & let me hate the way I am
So I can find the way to love myself again.

Sometimes I want you to know how much you hurt me,
But then I stop that thought in its tracks.
Because no matter how many times you hurt me,  
I'd much rather take the pain and spare you.
Despite the ache you leave, I'll never subject you to the pain you cause.
Because I care for you more than I'll admit
I want to protect you from everything, even if it means I have to die a little more every day.

So, remember me.
If there's one thing I want to say,
Remember me how I was, how I am, how I will always be.
Remember how I can laugh through the pain
No matter what comes my way,
I will keep standing for another day
Because no matter what, I will always keep you safe.
You will never know what it would feel like for me to cause you pain.

Remember me.
Remember the smiles even when I'm going to break
The good times and bad times that always looked the same
The conversations that kept us awake
Please, just remember me.
For you, darling, all of the dragons I will slay
I will always keep you safe
You will never know, because the last thing I want is to cause you pain.

Please, remember me.
The times when I caught your eye in more than one way
When I looked perfect and moon-kissed and undaunted by the day
I was beautiful and strong and unbreakable
Please, remember me in that way.
Not as I am now.
Depressed and aching and lonely.
This is not my identity. It will pass.
But for now, my love, don't remember me this way.
So I will hide it from you until I break.

For no one should ever have to suffer this pain.