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Apr 2019
I hate days like these.
My limbs are lead and I can’t seem to make a sound
I don’t want to move
But I have no “real” excuse.
My head is heavy and I struggle to stay awake
This is the risk I have to take.
I need to get up, I have to move,
The ground is so much more comfortable than I would have possibly understood.

I hate days like these, but
I must keep going, though I can’t describe my desire to stop
They will never understand these negativities floating in my head.
Tears gather at my eyelids, unshed sadness overpowered by lethargy
I cannot move, and I don’t think I want to even if I could

I hate days like these, I swear
Music blares all around me as I struggle to feel something else
Trying to recall a happy memory that isn’t tainted by you.
Nothing is okay, nothing is as it seems
I smile and hide behind this mask
(Let’s face it, they’d never understand)
Pretend to be happy when inside I’m close to breaking
I can’t give in, I must power through
I don’t know if I can, but I must try.

I hate days like these.
My body is heavy and I wish I could die
But even that would take effort that I don’t have
I feel like a statue, rusted and unable to feel
I don’t know if I can make it
My body betrays me, showing a glimpse into my deadened mind
I want to ask for help, but know none will come
Sympathy is not the same.

I hate days like these. They come without my control.
I cannot predict them, I cannot prepare
They come out of nowhere
I feel nothing,
I feel pain
Physical pain and emotional emptiness
This is not what I wanted to do with my day

I hate days like these.
I have so many plans I need to do, so much I want to experience
Why does this happen at the worst of times?
Why couldn’t it happen in the solitude of a Saturday, when I have nothing to do and no worries to plague me?
Anxiety courses through my mind, but my body won’t respond
My brain screams at me, unable to control its vessel
I’m not in the drivers seat
This is my dilemma, dead and horribly alive all at once.
I hate days like these, but they won’t stop.
Ariel
Written by
Ariel  20/F
(20/F)   
141
 
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