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Apr 2019
How strange this is to me
A feeling that is completely new
I don't know how to exist, now, without you.
This odd intuition, knowing that I'm incomplete
I'm "not all there"--
I'm not well.

They say I'm psychotic
Well, hell, maybe I'm just bitter
I'm a cynic, I'll admit it
But am I psychotic?
How would I tell?
I don't always feel crazy
Sometimes just a little
Maybe if you show up with a new hickey on your neck, when I’ve been nowhere near you

Maybe I’m insane
I think I might be psychotic
I’m letting my lips touch another that isn’t you
He doesn’t have any red flags, he’s perfectly fine
But despite all of his positive traits,
He isn’t you.
Maybe I really am psychotic
Letting myself use this boy when my thoughts are on you
He’s genuine and kind, but unlike you, he can’t read my mind.

I feel genuinely psychotic
I can’t get you out of my mind
Others whisper “obsession” but it’s not even close
I keep my distance like you asked, I’m not a fool.
I hate what you do to me, and I hate what I do to him
I type sweet nothings, with a few dark things in between
Blood in the ledger, will it ever come clean?

I think I really am psychotic, trying to give myself to him when I know I cannot
Despite how many times I’ve been wronged by others, the only thing I want is you.
He doesn’t deserve this, it’s so ******* dumb
I’m using him and it’s making me numb
I should just tell him I’m done
But I don’t know if I want to be alone.
The worst is that I do, but I don’t.
I wish I didn’t have to deal with the doubt when he’s not around, because as soon as he isn’t, all I can see is you.

When I’m with him, it’s great
We click pretty easily
He’s a little naive, but he’s young and has a big heart
Yet I feel so psychotic
He’s so sweet and asks along the way
Why does it feel so psychotic?
I coo and say I’m having the time of my life
I hate that in my head, I feel like I’m just spewing lies.
Because, after all, it’s you that I think of late at night.
So, call me psychotic for wanting what I can’t have.
**** me for being a liar,
Hurt me and atone my sins,
Crucify me and bleed me dry—
But don’t once say that I never loved you.
You were the only one I did.
Written by
Ariel  20/F
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