The holographic fairy dust bubble
that used to be us
Has exploded into
Regular dust
Grey and *****
Unwanted

I love you more than you
Could ever imagine
More than you
Could ever understand
but your love for me is no more
I am
Unwanted

With the glass of champagne
Still in your hand
You tell me that you're not afraid
Of death
Of dying
You ask me if I'm afraid
I sip the champagne
Death is something
I don't allow myself to think about
Finally I answer
No
No I'm not afraid of death
It's weird I haven't thought about it
Not before you
You look at me
Still holding the glass of champagne
You look good
You have some sort of magical eyes
Eyes that I'm not afraid to look into
You say
Most of us who have been feeling
Like we have been feeling
Are not afraid of death
Because somehow
We have already
Experienced it

Never have I heard someone
With a glass of champagne in their hand
Say something that intelligent
Something that life changing
I sip the champagne
And I smile

You know that feeling
When it feels like you're actually
Going to die
Literally like there is no air
For your lungs to breath

You know that feeling
When it feels like you're actually
Ripping apart
Literally like your heart
Is breaking

You know that feeling
When it feels like you're actually
Crying
Literally waterfalls from your eyes
But you don't

The truth is
When it feels like you're dying
When it feels like you're crying
That's means it all done

The truth is
You've already used up all those tears
There are none left to cry
You want to but you can't

The truth is
You have already died
You died when no one listened
Even when you tried to explain

I dont want to apologise, not to anyone.
About anything.
I just want to tell myself that I'm sorry.
And will always be sorry.
For all the pain, the unbearable pain I've forced myself to go through.
For all those sleepless nights, filled with unbelievable thoughts.
For all those voices I let myself listen to, those lies I myself created.
For all those moments of missing out, because of truths that I decided was real.
I want to tell myself that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I've been so mean to my body. To my face.
Telling it how much I hated it.
While during this whole time, my own face. My own body. Was the thing moving me forward. Getting me through. Getting me out.
I'm sorry that I have been so hateful against myself for no real reason.
I'm sorry.
I hope that someday I will be able to forgive myself for that.
That is my only apology.

I got there crying.
You took me in your arms asking

Honey what's wrong
What's wrong
I'm here talk to me
Sweetheart what's going on


My tears were suffocating me
I couldn't speak the words

You gave me a kiss on the forehead
Honey what's wrong
Tell me what's going on
Hugging me tightly

My body wasn't still
I was shaking

You let me cry still holding me
How can I help
Is there anything I can do
What's wrong

I love you
But I want to breakup

You let go of me
You just stare at me
No no no no no
You start crying

That's how I ended it
How I killed what used to be us

I try to keep myself busy.
Cook new food.
Got a second job.
Make plans with friends.
Spend time with my mom.
Read.
Plan a trip.
Walk.
Talk to that girl.
Laugh with my brother.


I try to keep myself busy.
Only because I don't want to admit
That its over.
I don't want to admit
That it has been over for awhile now
How do you tell someone
It's over
But make them understand
That you still love them
An awful lot

Having freshly washed bed sheets
My bed feels so much larger
I feel so much smaller
I feel too far
Away
from
You

Taking that first magical step out of the plane. The heat strikes you, the humidity is overwhelming.
Taking a seat in the first taxi. The prettiest of palm trees, magnificent skyscrapers trying to reach over the clouds.
Smoking the first cigarette, drinking the first drink.
New people, old people, bars, laughter, beaches, tattoos, sunshine.

Taking that first dreadful step out of the plane.
The cold punches you, the dry air takes your breath away.
Taking a seat in the old familiar car. Cold grey snow trying to stay on the highway.
Smoking only half a cigarette, it's better to be inside.
Old people, old news, grey skies, still the tattoos but lack of sunshine.

Snap out of it. Back to reality.
Bring me back soon.

'' So how many more sessions do you think we need?''

A question I thought would never be asked
I don't allow myself to think bad thoughts
I have my  knights in shining armour around me
Fighting off those bad thoughts with silver swords

'' I don't know...?''

She was always my saving grace
The one who kept me on the ground
Even when I wanted to fly away
My fluffy pink pillow with cotton candy scent

'' I'm thinking 10 more sessions ''

She is going to leave me
Alone with these thoughts
Alone with my emotions
Alone with my demons

''... Okay''

I've been in therapy every week
for almost a year
She did so much to help me
get rid of the monsters under my bed
and the devils inside of my head

'' You will be fine''

I'm not good at being on my own
I need someone to hold my hand
Guide me when there is no sunlight
Help me rebuild my castle when the walls break

''Sure''

Who am I going to be
Without a hand to hold
Without my knights
Without her

*I am scared to find out

How do you greet a stranger,
With a simple hello
or with a loving hug

How do you treat a former friend,
Bringing up ancient memories
or creating new ones

Well
It's been a while

How's Everything been?
Are things better now
or are you still struggling?

How do you say your farewell
With a simple goodbye
or with a light kiss and teary Eyes

I hope you are okay
or at least that you are still hoping
For that happy ending

Well
it's been a while

I'm still here
I still Believe in you
I hope you do too

07.41 am
Have you ever been
Woken by your anxiety?
It knocks on your door
Won't stop banging until you let it in.
Two hours of sleep
That's how long it would leave me.
You know that feeling
When you just feel the need to cry,
Like it would be refreshing,
healing in some way?
I want to do that
But there are no tears.
They don't want to clean my eyes.
They don't want me
To see things clearly.
I think I might be going insane...

How do you tell someone what you have done to yourself?
How do you tell that to someone you actually really like?
How do you tell someone that you are still in the process of getting out of it?
How do you tell someone that you've hurt yourself and have scary scars all over your body?
How do you explain those marks on your body and still pray that the person will stay?
How do you tell someone about that without being afraid that they might laugh at you for being a failure?
How do you tell someone about your past?

I don't know what to write
I'm tired
Of everything
They say I look so happy
I'm tired
Little do they know
I've trained my appearance
To be the opposite of my
Mind and my soul
I'm tired
You look happy
Well darling the answer is simple
There is a war going on inside of me

But what if I really die this time?
What if they can't help me?
Save my broken soul?
Maybe it past fixing?
Maybe this is it?

02.44
I haven't been sleeping much lately
I used to be the queen of sleeping
But someone took over the throne
Now I'm left praying
To the gods
To the Kings
To the queens
Let me sleep
So that when I do
I can pretend to be dead
Because that is my salvation

04.35 am
Bon Iver  is playing quietly
For Emma  is set on repeat
I'm hiding under the covers
Music is my sleeping pill
Tonight my mouth refuse to swallow it
So awake I lay
With the drapes drawn
Hoping to finally get some rest
Bon Iver is playing:
'For all you're lies,
You're still very loveable.'
While I pretend that
For Emma is my song
04.53 am

From time to time
You forget the world around you
All you feel is nothing
your mind is empty
Your heart is calm
Nothing matters
You feel hypnotised
The river you just created
That lets the red anxiety flow
That leaves you with a feeling
Of numbness
The river is getting deeper
You are getting calmer
You do it over and over
Even though you know
It will be even worse very very soon
You still have now
You still have this
For once you feel ok
And you wonder
Maybe it's ok
To create your own waterfall

The lines on my body
Creating a pattern that is my own
The lines on my body
That runs from my shoulders to my toes
The lines on my body
That I hate with all of my heart
But still will miss when they go away
The lines on my body
Created late at night when no one is awake but me and the stars
The lines on my body
Are slowly suffocating me

I dream of oceans
The cold and blue yet so welcoming
I dream of being alone
Being anonymous in a new city
In a new world
I dream of leaving
Maybe closer to the coral reefs
Maybe further from you
I dream of happiness
The pure satisfaction of hearing waves crash onto the shore
I dream of you
How you haunt me and I can't escape
I dream of oceans
How they could make me disappear so easily

There is always a shadow of sadness behind your back
It follows you where ever you go
Never lets you walk alone
My soul craves the darkness within you
It Cuts me open
Your darkness allow me to feel alive
My soul welcomes all of your demons
Your demons crawl to find the darkest corners of my body
My soul welcomes you to destroy me

They haunt me when I'm asleep
They don't leave me alone when I'm awake
Tonight I will be stronger than the demons
They wait for me to fall into their land
Where they make me Believe anything they say
Sleep is overrated
Nightmares are underrated
Just a couple of hours until the battle is won
I will not let you take over tonight
Tonight the demons will have to dance alone
I will see the moon until it stops shining
And I will hear them Calling my name
Asking me to dance the dance of Death
Tonight my  demons will have to dance alone

I feel the fire in my Eyes
I turn my head away trying to Breathe
Breathe in. Breathe out.
A tear falls down
Once again I lost the battle
A second later I feel your arms around me
You look at me
I turn away
Still feeling the fire burning in my Eyes
''It's ok''
The only two Words that slip out
''It's ok''
The wind is our friend
The water is our enemy
''It's ok''
You don't let go of me
your warmth spreads from your heart to my heart
''It's ok''
That is the only thing I need to hear
That is the only thing you say
''It's ok''
I almost start to Believe it.

Watching the sunset
The way it paints the sky
Orange. Pink. Purple.
Waves crash into the rocks
Creating the most peaceful
Melody my ears has ever heard
A cigarette between my lips
Breathing in
Close my eyes
Let the air out of my lungs
Watch the white bird
Fly across the sky
Leaves me of a feeling of
Complete Freedom

Dreams about having guns
pointed at my face
The fear in my heart and my head
must be reflecting in my eyes
the way someone can pull the trigger
once, just once
to end your life
I've had dreams where I have to run
Run from the people holding guns
tightly in their hands
ready to end my life
ready to end everything
The way their eyes are filled with hate
Filled with panic
Filled with some sort of excitement
they can't wait to hear the explosion
the sound of the bullet flying through the air
ready to hit the target
...me
Guns
Guns
Guns
Silver bullets
Black revolver
Guns
Guns
Guns

I whisper
Please don't **** me

What I write is not poems
It's not fancy words that I can't spell
It's not sentences that will matter

I can't write poems
I write when I have to
I'm not trying to make it perfect
It's just
Me pouring bits of my heart out
It's me sharing my weakness
It's me showing my true feelings

It's not poems
It's me being honest
I write when I'm sad
I write when I'm drunk
I write when I feel the words flow
I write when I'm inspired
I write when I feel no hope
I write when I'm angry
I write but it's not poems

So maybe I'm a waste of space
But I like being here
I like reading what others go through
I like sharing what I go through
Sometimes it's good things
But most of the time it's things
I'm too scared to say but brave enough to write down for people to read

It's not poems
It's just me

Whenever I think I've forgotten you
I get nightmares
It might sound sad
But nightmares makes me think of you
You would make me feel safe
After waking up being so scared
That I wouldn't know what to do
You would comfort me
Always

Whenever I feel like I'm over you
A nightmare visits me
Reminding me of the fact that nothing
In this world will make me forget you
Not completely
So when she shows up in my dreams
The only thing I can think about
Is how I don't dare to move
Or open my eyes
Or breath
I can only think of you
And try to fall back to sleep again

If you keep your eyes half open half closed
Streetlights will look like stars
You will feel like you're in a different universe
The dark sky will make you believe
In magic

Go on a bus late at night
With music in your headphones
And let yourself disappear in the world
Of your own thoughts
And the beauty of the stars

You will feel weightless
You will feel nothing but love
You will feel ok

I would never confess that I cry
I would never confess that I want love
I would never confess that I'm... Nothing

I'm too scared of tears  
I'm too scared of people
I'm too scared of being forgotten

Feeling hot streams of salty water flow down my cheeks
Feeling someone disappearing right infront of me
Feeling empy, alone, scared

I'm too scared of tears so I keep them in
No matter what I would never let anyone see me cry
I would never show myself being weak

I'm too scared of letting someone into my life
They would  leave and I would be left with nothing
I would never let myself give away a part of me

I'm too scared of letting people see the real me
So I fake... I fake happiness, smiles, laughter
I would never let myself be me

Aren't we all just liars?

I have forgotten how this works
How people can form sentences
Of beauty, of magic
I'm not sure how to transform my words
And fill a blank paper with words
That gets heavy

The blank paper is much more beautiful
In some way I guess...
But the filled paper is worth much more
The filled paper is full of truth
Of honesty
Of guilt
Of pain
Of passion
Of heartache
Of bubbly feelings
Of sad mornings
Of terrible nights

All I can think about is you
I think I haven't written anything
Or to correct myself
I think that I haven't been able to write
Because I'm scared that it will turn out
To be another stupid poem about
Love

I don't need more of those
I'm fine
Thank you

***** doesn't make me sick
You do

3.45 am I woke up from one of them
It felt more real to me than the reality I woke up to
In my bed with sweatpants on and darkness surrounding me

Yet my dream of being in the woods
Having this guy finding me
That he let me in
It felt so real

I knew it right a away
I tried to touch his arm
Roll up the sleeve
He tried to hide it
His skinny arm with a million small blue vains
His arm filled with burn marks
Small short deep bumpy scars from a razor

It felt so real
I wanted to help him
Show him my arm
Tell him that he's not alone
Far from alone
We looked in to each others eyes
His eyes started to tear up
So did mine
When he finally relaxed
Let me drag my fingers gently up and down his arms

Reality pulled me back
From him
From who he was
I don't know him
I've never seen him
But he knows more about me than anyone
And I know more about him than anyone ever will

It was just a dream
But I have never felt more alive

When you realize you don't belong anywhere
When you have no place to hide
No place to find love

It would be so easy to just end it all
A rope
A pill
A knife
A small little step out of the edge
That is all it takes to end it
To get out

When you realize it doesn't matter what you do
Nothing will ever satisfy them
When you can't do anything because they told you that

That is when you have to stand tall
You still have yourself
That is all that matters

Do not give up
Do not let them win
Do not disappear.

Blue vains with warm red blood
Pulsing.
Pulsing.
   Pulsing.

The porcelain skin...
When he holds himself up using the railing
Oh my...
The vains looks like they will pop out any second
His hands hypnotize me
I can't stop staring
It's the most  beautiful thing I've ever seen
I imagine his hands being the coldest on this earth
I imagine the warmth of his hands being like nothing else

His face was...

How could I know?
I didn't see it
I just saw his hands

I fell in love with someone today
No
I fell in love with someones hands today

I avoid the nights because I''m scared of the darksness
I escape from sleep because I don't know if I'll wake up
I stay up all night because I'm scared of the morning
I'm scared of the night
I'm scared of the dawn
I'm scared of every second of every day

If I sleep it only makes it worse
What if I dream?
I can't control my dreams
Maybe you would be in them
What if you're not in them?

I'm scared
That's why I stay up
At least then I have my eyes to search
And maybe I'll find the monster
Before it finds me

I want to write, I want my words to flow
Like a raging waterfall in the beginning of spring
I want my words to scream as loud as I do in my head

But I have nothing
No words to put on a paper
No words to be said
No sentences to be formed

I only have this
Me, my brain and the complete chaos inside
I want to write
But I have nothing I would understand
Just a bunch of words flying around in my head
I want to throw all of my feelings on a paper
I want to create something

I don't care if I get crushed
I don't care if no one understands
I don't care if I don't understand
There is too much
It is everywhere

I feel...
Inspired
Happy
Angry
Stressed
Depressed
Hypnotized
Excite­d
Sad
Greatful
Exhausted
Independent
Alone
Proud

Infinite.

Yet I can't seem to write anything
And that is all I want

Just like that
Without a single warning
It turned to morning
It is 4 am and I still have not got a glimpse of sleep
Because my thoughts wandered off way too deep
I function better at night
Because there is no one here to put up a fight
Why should I sleep
When I have no dreams I want to keep
Life is not better just because it's day
That is why I like the dark nights better anyway
Dark shadows under my eyes decided to stay
I wont tell them to go away
That might be the only company I will have tomorrow
So I'm not gonna put make up over it and cover my sorrow
It is still dark outside
Come with me, take my hand
Help me find a place where I can hide

You grew up so fast little angel
You used to be so small, with your blue eyes and annoying laugh
And now the fights have turned into something else

We both grew up
But you with your curly golden hair that looks so funny when it gets too long
aways puts a smile on my face
You grew up faster than I did

Promise that you wont leave me
Even though I get mad at you sometimes
Because I would never leave you

My little angel
I would walk through the ends of the earth for you
I know you would do the same for me
You grew up my little angel

You turned into something so beautiful
Something that would make anyone proud
Listen carefully now because little angel
That is what I am
I am proud of you
I hope you know that

Even though we hate each other sometimes
I will always be your sister
And you will always be my brother
I will always love you

You make me see
That I am only what I let myself be
What I let you see is only parts of me

You are the one nobody can feel
I am the one who is never real just more or less concealed
In this life we would be too unreal

You keep me awake
Even though I have never seen the way your head will shake
When you to tell me that I'm wrong...
Yet this is the place I feel like I belong

2.36 am
You keep my thoughts spinning around in my head
In the place where I lie
It's here
alone
In my bed

Music is still on in the backround
But my thoughts shut it out and turns it into something distant
I wish that...

I see fire by Ed Sheeran
Keep the music playing
I want to know
I need to know what other people are saying

2.40 am
Stop it
We can't ever be we
Drop it
Us can never be something we could see
**** it
There wont be a You And Me

2.47 am
Stop the music
Let me sleep
Stop the thoughts
Let me dream

The eyes of a broken girl
So blank with no sign of life
So blue but slowly fading to grey

The eyes of a broken girl
Filled with something that could be mistaken for tears
Filled with nothing but water

The eyes of a broken girl
Staring blankly in the mirror
Staring back at something that used to be whole

The eyes of a broken girl
Life took her spark away
Life made her weak

The eyes of a broken girl
Used to be so powerful
Used to be alive

The eyes of a broken girl
Will no longer see the light of day
Will no longer feel any pain

I guess it's always been like that
You cry, I laugh
But tonight I hated your face

You tried to hold back the tears when you saw it
It was just one of my many scars
I started laughing

You still don't know about the rest
Or why they are on my body
Only I know that

Such a beautiful girl
With tears that runs down her pretty face
The ice blue eyes look so much colder
But yet so much more alive

And I'm responsible
An ugly face
With an even uglier smile
And a hideous laugh

You asked me why
I didn't really have an answer you'd understand
You said 'you're ruining your body'
Once again I started laughing
Feeling the tears from my own eyes creep closer

It's kind of ironic
You don't want me to ruin my body
Oh but darling it's already so broken
I'm just trying to build it up again
In a way that you would never understand

I'm sorry that you saw it
I don't want you to think that
I'm asking for help
Or that I'm weak
I'm sorry in a way that you will never understand

With 100 post-it notes on the back of my door
And another 100 that I place everywhere I go
The whole city is covered in colourful post-it notes
I put them up

I write 'inspiring' quotes by my favourite authors
In the hopes of someone stopping at the sight
Of that squared little note
With my handwriting on it

And just smile and then keep on walking
And just before they go to sleep they will
Think about that little colourful note and
Decide that tomorrow is when their new
And improved life will start

And they will start with a smile on their
Face and a new warmth in their bodies
That warmth that they lost somewhere along
The way
But it came back to them from this colourful note
That is all I want
I want you to
Smile

And I want my notes to be the reason
Because then you have a reason to smile
And I will feel like I'm trying to improve
Myself
And society
By smiling

Isn't it weird how you can see someone everyday
Not saying hello
Not knowing the other persons name

But yet in some very strange way
You're having some sort of a crush on each other

Looks that lasts a bit too long
Smiles that just can't be held back when you walk past each other in the hallway

Having someone on your mind in the morning
And the same person just before you go to bed
Without even knowing each other's names

Isn't it weird how there seems to be some sort of
Chemistry between us
Even if we've never said a word to each other

Isn't it weird that I don't mind not knowing you
That I'm happy with us
Just like this

You didn't cut my skin
I did
You didn't tell me that I'm fat
I did
You didn't tell me to give even if I have nothing
I did
You didn't tell me that I'm weak
I did
You didn't keep me from getting close to you
I did
You didn't ask me to smile even if I'm empty
I did
You didn't say it'd be good idea to **** myself
I did
You didn't  tell me that I'm worthless
I did
You didn't say that you don't love me
I did

So darling don't worry
Not now, not ever
Because if I can promise you one thing
It's this

You didn't break me
I broke myself

I don't have to see your face all the time
But honestly I never do that when I'm at home either

To know that you hate me so much that you can't even
Look at me

To know that you hate me so much that you can't even
Stop yourself from screaming whenever you decide to say something

There is no point in staying here
But no point in going home either

Wouldn't it just be easier
If I didn't do any of it

If I had a gun
Would I dare to pull the trigger to make you happy?

What is wrong with the world?
Why is it that we all do things
We end up regretting
But we still keep doing them
Over
And
Over?

Will we ever learn that what we do or say
Can change someone's way of
Thinking
When they see us everyday?
That we hurt the ones we love
Only because of our own minds playing
Tricks on us

Why is it that we only face other people's
Mistakes
And just overlook our own?
We don't want to feel worse than we already do
So why is it okay to make someone
Feel like that too?

I haven't written much since I met you
Because I've had no reason to
Most people including myself write when they are sad, angry, depressed, confused.
Since I met you I haven't felt any of that
I was thinking about the fact that I miss writing
Even though it's never anything good
Or anything even worth reading
But I miss it
And just like that
You gave me a reason to write again
So... Thank you?

.

We don't care about love
We don't care about names
We don't care about age

Tonight we only care about the feeling
Of complete happiness
Of seeing someones pretty smile with adorable dimples

We don't care about the past
We don't care about the future
We live tonight and maybe no longer than tonight

If you die tomorrow why wouldn't you kiss his pretty smile?
Tonight we don't care
And I love it

There was blood on his face
Around his mouth
Blood was surrounding all of him

He had his eyes closed
His shirt was ripped open
He didn't breath

They tried to help him
They tried to save his life
They tried to make him come back

The people around him could't stop looking
Neither could I driving past sitting in the bus
And it stopped there forcing me to look at him

The blood
The open shirt
The closed eyes

I saw a man die today....