From time to time
You forget the world around you
All you feel is nothing
your mind is empty
Your heart is calm
Nothing matters
You feel hypnotised
The river you just created
That lets the red anxiety flow
That leaves you with a feeling
Of numbness
The river is getting deeper
You are getting calmer
You do it over and over
Even though you know
It will be even worse very very soon
You still have now
You still have this
For once you feel ok
And you wonder
Maybe it's ok
To create your own waterfall

They haunt me when I'm asleep
They don't leave me alone when I'm awake
Tonight I will be stronger than the demons
They wait for me to fall into their land
Where they make me Believe anything they say
Sleep is overrated
Nightmares are underrated
Just a couple of hours until the battle is won
I will not let you take over tonight
Tonight the demons will have to dance alone
I will see the moon until it stops shining
And I will hear them Calling my name
Asking me to dance the dance of Death
Tonight my  demons will have to dance alone

You're not mine
I'm not yours
Still jealousy is here

It doesn't hide in the dark shadows
But stands right next to me
Holding my hand
Leans in and whispers slowly

How could you ever be so stupid?

You grew up so fast little angel
You used to be so small, with your blue eyes and annoying laugh
And now the fights have turned into something else

We both grew up
But you with your curly golden hair that looks so funny when it gets too long
aways puts a smile on my face
You grew up faster than I did

Promise that you wont leave me
Even though I get mad at you sometimes
Because I would never leave you

My little angel
I would walk through the ends of the earth for you
I know you would do the same for me
You grew up my little angel

You turned into something so beautiful
Something that would make anyone proud
Listen carefully now because little angel
That is what I am
I am proud of you
I hope you know that

Even though we hate each other sometimes
I will always be your sister
And you will always be my brother
I will always love you

Even though it's summer
It will always be cold as the winter
As long as I'm not with you

I don't have you anymore
It's been over a year
it brings me to tears
I know you don't want me to be sad
When I think about you
You want me to smile

But I have done that for a while
I just want to hear your voice
Just one more time
I want to hear you say hello
I want to hear you say goodbye

I want to give you a hug
A light hug
It will be light because you are
Fragile
I want to tell you
I love you
And I want to tell you to be
Happy
Strong
Beautiful

Just like you always have been
I know you became an angel
The most wonderful of all angels
My angel
My beautiful angel I just want to say
Goodbye

Goodbye my angel
Sleep tight and I will always fight
Make you proud
One day I will hear you say
Hello again
It will just take some time

When you realize you don't belong anywhere
When you have no place to hide
No place to find love

It would be so easy to just end it all
A rope
A pill
A knife
A small little step out of the edge
That is all it takes to end it
To get out

When you realize it doesn't matter what you do
Nothing will ever satisfy them
When you can't do anything because they told you that

That is when you have to stand tall
You still have yourself
That is all that matters

Do not give up
Do not let them win
Do not disappear.

I would never confess that I cry
I would never confess that I want love
I would never confess that I'm... Nothing

I'm too scared of tears  
I'm too scared of people
I'm too scared of being forgotten

Feeling hot streams of salty water flow down my cheeks
Feeling someone disappearing right infront of me
Feeling empy, alone, scared

I'm too scared of tears so I keep them in
No matter what I would never let anyone see me cry
I would never show myself being weak

I'm too scared of letting someone into my life
They would  leave and I would be left with nothing
I would never let myself give away a part of me

I'm too scared of letting people see the real me
So I fake... I fake happiness, smiles, laughter
I would never let myself be me

Aren't we all just liars?

With her beautiful light brown hair
Stunning face
Ice blue eyes
Amazing body

The girl everyone wants to be
She who still doesn't believe in herself
Even though she is

Amazing
Creative
Smart
Funny
Positive
Weird
Sweet
Gorgeous

She still doubts herself
Isn't that weird?
The most beautiful ******* earth
Doesn't understand that she makes angels jealous
Isn't that sad?

I lost myself when you found her
I was living on a hope
I was hoping you wouldn't realize who I was
I was hoping you wouldn't see me
Not the way I truly am

Ugly
Disgusting
Scared

When you finally saw me
The real me you did what everybody was waiting for
You ran away and never looked back

You didn't look back at the heart
Broken shattered in a million pieces
You didn't look back at the tears
You didn't look back to see the scars you created
You didn't look back to see me

I want to write, I want my words to flow
Like a raging waterfall in the beginning of spring
I want my words to scream as loud as I do in my head

But I have nothing
No words to put on a paper
No words to be said
No sentences to be formed

I only have this
Me, my brain and the complete chaos inside
I want to write
But I have nothing I would understand
Just a bunch of words flying around in my head
I want to throw all of my feelings on a paper
I want to create something

I don't care if I get crushed
I don't care if no one understands
I don't care if I don't understand
There is too much
It is everywhere

I feel...
Inspired
Happy
Angry
Stressed
Depressed
Hypnotized
Excite­d
Sad
Greatful
Exhausted
Independent
Alone
Proud

Infinite.

Yet I can't seem to write anything
And that is all I want

There is always a shadow of sadness behind your back
It follows you where ever you go
Never lets you walk alone
My soul craves the darkness within you
It Cuts me open
Your darkness allow me to feel alive
My soul welcomes all of your demons
Your demons crawl to find the darkest corners of my body
My soul welcomes you to destroy me

I don't like to be close to people
I can't handle the feeling of people touching me
I don't want people to touch any part of skin
That belongs to me

Still I would do almost anything to sleep next to you
Just one night
Nothing more than sleep together
I would give so much to fall asleep holding your hand

Sleeping next to someone is something I hate
I hate the feeling of having someones warm body
So close to my own
But that is all I wish to do with you

This is all new to me
I don't want to sleep alone
I don't want someone to hold me
I just want you there with me holding my hand

Please don't make me sleep alone
I'm scared

Your beautiful dark eyes
Makes me smile

Your beautiful lips
Makes me wanna kiss you

Your beautiful voice
Makes me wanna listen to you all day

Your beautiful strong arms
Makes me feel safe

You are beautiful
And that is why it never will be

You and I

I dream of oceans
The cold and blue yet so welcoming
I dream of being alone
Being anonymous in a new city
In a new world
I dream of leaving
Maybe closer to the coral reefs
Maybe further from you
I dream of happiness
The pure satisfaction of hearing waves crash onto the shore
I dream of you
How you haunt me and I can't escape
I dream of oceans
How they could make me disappear so easily

Maybe if I lose some weight
Maybe if I put on more make up
Maybe if I buy nicer clothes
Maybe if I get another hair color
Maybe if I do something about my face
Maybe if I just try a little bit harder

I wouldn't be so ugly
I wouldn't disgust you

And maybe just maybe I could be the girl someone
Would look at and think
I wish my girl looked like that

And maybe you would fall for me
Just as hard as I fell for you
Maybe just maybe
I would get my brown eyed Prince Charming

But to be honest
I don't think there is anything I could do
To make you want me the way I want you

I'm hopeless

04.35 am
Bon Iver  is playing quietly
For Emma  is set on repeat
I'm hiding under the covers
Music is my sleeping pill
Tonight my mouth refuse to swallow it
So awake I lay
With the drapes drawn
Hoping to finally get some rest
Bon Iver is playing:
'For all you're lies,
You're still very loveable.'
While I pretend that
For Emma is my song
04.53 am

Your lips on my lips
Your arms around me
My hand on your back

I told you it was a bad idea
Us two laying there at the sea
With the sound of waves
In the back of my mind
All I wanted was to find
Someone who wouldn't wanna make me hide

I'm blinded

Happiness
Sunshine
Waves
*****
Cider
Words
Smiles
Me
You
''Love''

It all blinds me
I told you it was a bad idea
But you were to drunk to see
I told you
You wont remember any of this
You responde with a kiss

Summer is something I will miss

What bothers me isn't that you left
It's that you lied and said that you would never leave
All those times you told me ''I love you''
Were those just lies?

What bothers me isn't that I can't hug you
It's that you're probably already kissing someone else
All those times you held me tight while listening to Bon Iver
Were you just trying to make me feel safe?

I miss you
I miss us
I'm sorry
I...

I don't know what to write
I'm tired
Of everything
They say I look so happy
I'm tired
Little do they know
I've trained my appearance
To be the opposite of my
Mind and my soul
I'm tired
You look happy
Well darling the answer is simple
There is a war going on inside of me

You make me see
That I am only what I let myself be
What I let you see is only parts of me

You are the one nobody can feel
I am the one who is never real just more or less concealed
In this life we would be too unreal

You keep me awake
Even though I have never seen the way your head will shake
When you to tell me that I'm wrong...
Yet this is the place I feel like I belong

2.36 am
You keep my thoughts spinning around in my head
In the place where I lie
It's here
alone
In my bed

Music is still on in the backround
But my thoughts shut it out and turns it into something distant
I wish that...

I see fire by Ed Sheeran
Keep the music playing
I want to know
I need to know what other people are saying

2.40 am
Stop it
We can't ever be we
Drop it
Us can never be something we could see
**** it
There wont be a You And Me

2.47 am
Stop the music
Let me sleep
Stop the thoughts
Let me dream

I saw this girl today
With the prettiest smile
And the darkest eyes

She had long black hair
And bronze skin
Her smile was perfect

She had a glow around her
And with a voice so calm
Her lips was slightly pink

This is when I started to think
Maybe angels exist?

Goodnight world
Maybe I will wake up
To the sound of the same music as I will fall asleep to
Maybe I wont wake up at all
What if I am right
Maybe that really was weird
What if you are waiting for me
Maybe the scary sounds are made by you
What if you are out there trying to get in
Maybe you know that I am alone
What if I do not wake up tomorrow
Maybe I will be gone
What if this is the last time I will hear this beautiful song
Maybe it is
What if this is just all in my head
Maybe it is

3.45 am I woke up from one of them
It felt more real to me than the reality I woke up to
In my bed with sweatpants on and darkness surrounding me

Yet my dream of being in the woods
Having this guy finding me
That he let me in
It felt so real

I knew it right a away
I tried to touch his arm
Roll up the sleeve
He tried to hide it
His skinny arm with a million small blue vains
His arm filled with burn marks
Small short deep bumpy scars from a razor

It felt so real
I wanted to help him
Show him my arm
Tell him that he's not alone
Far from alone
We looked in to each others eyes
His eyes started to tear up
So did mine
When he finally relaxed
Let me drag my fingers gently up and down his arms

Reality pulled me back
From him
From who he was
I don't know him
I've never seen him
But he knows more about me than anyone
And I know more about him than anyone ever will

It was just a dream
But I have never felt more alive

We don't care about love
We don't care about names
We don't care about age

Tonight we only care about the feeling
Of complete happiness
Of seeing someones pretty smile with adorable dimples

We don't care about the past
We don't care about the future
We live tonight and maybe no longer than tonight

If you die tomorrow why wouldn't you kiss his pretty smile?
Tonight we don't care
And I love it

One minute it rains
Next minute the sky is blue and there is sunshine
An hour later there is a thunderstorm

The weather has been crazy today
I'm starting to think that maybe it tries to be like my
Feelings

The weather Gods tries to show me what my head
Would look like if someone opened it
There would be

Rain
Lightning
Thunder

When all that is over
They would also show me
The most beautiful thing I have ever seen

A big
Bright colorful rainbow
And a perfectly cloud-free sky

With the glass of champagne
Still in your hand
You tell me that you're not afraid
Of death
Of dying
You ask me if I'm afraid
I sip the champagne
Death is something
I don't allow myself to think about
Finally I answer
No
No I'm not afraid of death
It's weird I haven't thought about it
Not before you
You look at me
Still holding the glass of champagne
You look good
You have some sort of magical eyes
Eyes that I'm not afraid to look into
You say
Most of us who have been feeling
Like we have been feeling
Are not afraid of death
Because somehow
We have already
Experienced it

Never have I heard someone
With a glass of champagne in their hand
Say something that intelligent
Something that life changing
I sip the champagne
And I smile

Isn't it weird how you can see someone everyday
Not saying hello
Not knowing the other persons name

But yet in some very strange way
You're having some sort of a crush on each other

Looks that lasts a bit too long
Smiles that just can't be held back when you walk past each other in the hallway

Having someone on your mind in the morning
And the same person just before you go to bed
Without even knowing each other's names

Isn't it weird how there seems to be some sort of
Chemistry between us
Even if we've never said a word to each other

Isn't it weird that I don't mind not knowing you
That I'm happy with us
Just like this

You didn't cut my skin
I did
You didn't tell me that I'm fat
I did
You didn't tell me to give even if I have nothing
I did
You didn't tell me that I'm weak
I did
You didn't keep me from getting close to you
I did
You didn't ask me to smile even if I'm empty
I did
You didn't say it'd be good idea to **** myself
I did
You didn't  tell me that I'm worthless
I did
You didn't say that you don't love me
I did

So darling don't worry
Not now, not ever
Because if I can promise you one thing
It's this

You didn't break me
I broke myself

I have forgotten how this works
How people can form sentences
Of beauty, of magic
I'm not sure how to transform my words
And fill a blank paper with words
That gets heavy

The blank paper is much more beautiful
In some way I guess...
But the filled paper is worth much more
The filled paper is full of truth
Of honesty
Of guilt
Of pain
Of passion
Of heartache
Of bubbly feelings
Of sad mornings
Of terrible nights

All I can think about is you
I think I haven't written anything
Or to correct myself
I think that I haven't been able to write
Because I'm scared that it will turn out
To be another stupid poem about
Love

I don't need more of those
I'm fine
Thank you

She tried so hard to help
She knew that Death was something
Only Life could bring

She knew she probably did not
Change anything
She new that maybe she just made it worse

She tried really hard to believe that this
Was her purpos in life
She wanted to keep people away from Death

She wanted to bring people to life
Maybe because she was hollow
She was already dead inside

She did not want to see other people like that
What if she wasn't good enough to help
She wanted to keep people alive but maybe

She just made them more hollow
She might have given them strenght
Not the way she wished to

She might have made them strong
Not in the way that would make their word colorful
But strong enough to disappear

She would always be an empty shell
She would always be a Heartless soul
She would always be a Colorblind ghost

The lines on my body
Creating a pattern that is my own
The lines on my body
That runs from my shoulders to my toes
The lines on my body
That I hate with all of my heart
But still will miss when they go away
The lines on my body
Created late at night when no one is awake but me and the stars
The lines on my body
Are slowly suffocating me

Taking that first magical step out of the plane. The heat strikes you, the humidity is overwhelming.
Taking a seat in the first taxi. The prettiest of palm trees, magnificent skyscrapers trying to reach over the clouds.
Smoking the first cigarette, drinking the first drink.
New people, old people, bars, laughter, beaches, tattoos, sunshine.

Taking that first dreadful step out of the plane.
The cold punches you, the dry air takes your breath away.
Taking a seat in the old familiar car. Cold grey snow trying to stay on the highway.
Smoking only half a cigarette, it's better to be inside.
Old people, old news, grey skies, still the tattoos but lack of sunshine.

Snap out of it. Back to reality.
Bring me back soon.

How do you greet a stranger,
With a simple hello
or with a loving hug

How do you treat a former friend,
Bringing up ancient memories
or creating new ones

Well
It's been a while

How's Everything been?
Are things better now
or are you still struggling?

How do you say your farewell
With a simple goodbye
or with a light kiss and teary Eyes

I hope you are okay
or at least that you are still hoping
For that happy ending

Well
it's been a while

I'm still here
I still Believe in you
I hope you do too

So cold and hard
Gives the deepest and darkest thoughts
The right directions to your heart
Your mind
And your soul

So wild and unwanted
Gives your nightmare space
In reality
It makes everything real
It makes everything come to life

So loud and sad
Gives the word pain a new meaning
Let you remember why
It makes you never forget
It forces you to always remember

So dark and painful
It keeps you up
It's knocking on your door
Invites itself in
And there it stays
Making your life
A living hell

So run
Run
Run
Run
Before it is too late
Before the rain has soaked you
Run
Before it drowns you
In your own mind

Blue vains with warm red blood
Pulsing.
Pulsing.
   Pulsing.

The porcelain skin...
When he holds himself up using the railing
Oh my...
The vains looks like they will pop out any second
His hands hypnotize me
I can't stop staring
It's the most  beautiful thing I've ever seen
I imagine his hands being the coldest on this earth
I imagine the warmth of his hands being like nothing else

His face was...

How could I know?
I didn't see it
I just saw his hands

I fell in love with someone today
No
I fell in love with someones hands today

'' So how many more sessions do you think we need?''

A question I thought would never be asked
I don't allow myself to think bad thoughts
I have my  knights in shining armour around me
Fighting off those bad thoughts with silver swords

'' I don't know...?''

She was always my saving grace
The one who kept me on the ground
Even when I wanted to fly away
My fluffy pink pillow with cotton candy scent

'' I'm thinking 10 more sessions ''

She is going to leave me
Alone with these thoughts
Alone with my emotions
Alone with my demons

''... Okay''

I've been in therapy every week
for almost a year
She did so much to help me
get rid of the monsters under my bed
and the devils inside of my head

'' You will be fine''

I'm not good at being on my own
I need someone to hold my hand
Guide me when there is no sunlight
Help me rebuild my castle when the walls break

''Sure''

Who am I going to be
Without a hand to hold
Without my knights
Without her

*I am scared to find out

Fat
Ugly
Weak

Those are the things
I don't want to be

Beautiful
Fit
Strong

Those are all the things
Girls are in the songs

Worthless
Insecure

I can't figure out
What for
I don't know how much more
Of this I can take

I want to be
Beautiful
Like the girls in magazines
But how much is it worth
If they only get hurt

I start to slowly float away
I don't know what belongs to
Today
Yesterday
Or
Tomorrow

So why do I feel this
Sorrow?

It seems to be so peaceful
So quiet
But still so full of Life

The ocean amaze me
The blue water hypnotize me
Just like the creatures in it

So full of color
So full of Life
Makes me wanna be a part of it

I want to just lay in the middle of the ocean
Feel my body sink
Deeper and deeper

Never stop falling
Falling falling falling
Deeper into the big blue

Cold and unknow
Yet so Beautiful and calming
Let me be a part of it

I avoid the nights because I''m scared of the darksness
I escape from sleep because I don't know if I'll wake up
I stay up all night because I'm scared of the morning
I'm scared of the night
I'm scared of the dawn
I'm scared of every second of every day

If I sleep it only makes it worse
What if I dream?
I can't control my dreams
Maybe you would be in them
What if you're not in them?

I'm scared
That's why I stay up
At least then I have my eyes to search
And maybe I'll find the monster
Before it finds me

I guess it's always been like that
You cry, I laugh
But tonight I hated your face

You tried to hold back the tears when you saw it
It was just one of my many scars
I started laughing

You still don't know about the rest
Or why they are on my body
Only I know that

Such a beautiful girl
With tears that runs down her pretty face
The ice blue eyes look so much colder
But yet so much more alive

And I'm responsible
An ugly face
With an even uglier smile
And a hideous laugh

You asked me why
I didn't really have an answer you'd understand
You said 'you're ruining your body'
Once again I started laughing
Feeling the tears from my own eyes creep closer

It's kind of ironic
You don't want me to ruin my body
Oh but darling it's already so broken
I'm just trying to build it up again
In a way that you would never understand

I'm sorry that you saw it
I don't want you to think that
I'm asking for help
Or that I'm weak
I'm sorry in a way that you will never understand

I want someone to find me
Someone who'll look at me
And just know

Without any questions that need answers
And without knowing anything
Still embrace everything

I want someone to find me
Someone who will make me feel less lost
Just take my hand

Show me the world
And I will be yours
Until you don't want me

When that day comes
I promise you that I will be gone
So don't worry

I'm drunk
You are drunk too
All I wanna do
Is get lost in the eyes that belongs
To you
But you don't look at me
You don't care
So this is why I'm gonna share
I'm sharing this because I don't
Want another person to fall in love
With someones
Eyes
Without knowing their heart
Or their mind
Please don"t fall in love
I'm drunk

Is it really that bad to feel happy?
To feel like someone cares?
What's so bad with pretending for a minute?

Sure I wont see you again
Or maybe I will
But it doesn't matter if I do or don't

Is it really that bad tasting someone elses lips?
To feel like someone wants you?
What's so bad with being happy?

Sure it didn't mean anything
Or maybe it did
But it doesn't matter if it did or didn't

You made me happy that's what matters right now
I don't have enought time to care about what other people thinks
I live my life the way I want to not how others want me to live

Red lips
High heels
Nice dress
Painted nails
Curly hair
Make up

Every inch of her was made to impress
Every step she took was made to make him lose his breath

All she ever wanted was for him
To walk past her
Stop
And
Turn
Around

She looked for him in every street corner
She looked for him in every store
She looked for him in every train station
She looked for him in every dream she ever had

But he just wasn't made for her

If you keep your eyes half open half closed
Streetlights will look like stars
You will feel like you're in a different universe
The dark sky will make you believe
In magic

Go on a bus late at night
With music in your headphones
And let yourself disappear in the world
Of your own thoughts
And the beauty of the stars

You will feel weightless
You will feel nothing but love
You will feel ok

I'm lost
They say  
Home is where your heart is

I can feel my heart beating
Boom boom boom
But does it really exist

If I have a heart
Why don't I have a home
Why don't I ever feel like this is where I want to stay

I have a place to live
But since my heart isn't here
Then it isn't my home

Right?
I'm lost
I'll be back

I just need to find my heart first

It's your favorite flower
But still it doesn't have the power
To compare to your beauty

It has beautiful colors
But it doesn't show all your sorrows
It's isn't as multi colored as you are

You are my favourite star
But the dalia doesn't show what a lovely person you are
Even though you have got this far
There is a lot of things you have left to become a true silver star

You are my inspiration
You are my fascination

But most of all you are the one who made me who I am
My dalia loving Mother
Thank you

Born to live
Born to die
Born to be high
Born to fly
Born to drown
Born to be let down
Born to fight
Born to be the light
Born to find
Born to be kind

Born to be me
Born to be free

It's 4:26 am
I still haven't got any sleep
I don't want to go to bed without you
I don't want to live without you
I don't want to be without you

It's 4:27 am
I still haven't got any sleep
Without you sleep feels pointless
To be honest
Without you life feels pointless

It's 4:29
I still haven't got any sleep
But it doesn't matter
I wont see you just because I go to sleep
So why not just stay up and watch the sunrise

If I can't see you
That will at least give me something else thats
Beautiful
Just like you

It's 4:31
I still haven't got any sleep
I'm fine with that
I have the rest of my life to sleep if I want to