Womanhood

In my ever eternal fight between
Pain and rapid mood swings
I have learned to accept
What I have been given by my mother.

Womanhood

In my ever insulting fight between
Objectification and misunderstanding
I have come to understand
"My body is a temple"
Is not a complement but an insult.

Womanhood

As my hair grows longer and longer
And I cut it shorter and shorter
And people tell me to "look more feminine"
I can't help but dress "more masculine."

Womanhood

Because I have to accentuate my assets
With tight jeans and skinny dresses
And if I forget a push-up bra
"It's a boy" jokes are made.

Womanhood

Because my knowledge of cars
And my firm hand shake
Awes men and makes them test me
Instead of conversing with me and moving on with their day

Womanhood

Because I am scared to leave the house by myself
And my father's overbearing protection
Instead of believing I can protect myself
In any given situation

Womanhood

Because my brother can go out whenever he wants
And can curse like a sailor
But I have to be a sweet southern belle
And answer a million and one questions just to take a walk

Womanhood

Because we have to justify ourselves
Because guys have to be perfect in the eyes of "feminists"
Because all of this bullsh!t has gone over the edge.

Womanhood

I can't call myself a feminist
And I sure ain't a misogynist
I'm just trying to scrape by
Just trying to get through this trying

Womanhood

I turned seventeen today.
It's nothing special.
But I turned seventeen today,
And that's something.

There's a difference between
Seventeen and 17.
They have the same value,
But have a different meaning.

Seventeen is
Your teen years
Coming to an end
But just starting all the same

Seventeen is
Your last year as a child;
The ability to be free
With little responsibility

Seventeen is
Maturity
Adolescents
Personality

But 17 is
Just a number.
It has no real significance.
It's not special.

17 is
Just an age
That's not as important
As 18 and 21.

17 is
Small
Irrelevant
Numerical.

But I turned seventeen today
I turned 17 today
Mature.
Irrelevant.

My heart's not what it used to be
My heart feels something strange
Something goes and makes it flutter
Not necessarily in a good way

My heart is like a little kid
My heart likes to play around
Something goes and makes it skip and jump
Not a game I like to feel

My heart doesn't like me much
My heart throws temper tantrums
Something goes and makes it close on me
Not very nice to know

But my heart is my heart
It might be a little unwell
But it is mine
And I think I'm getting used to it

My heart goes out to many
My heart goes out to few
To friends who have my back
To the one I saved for you

Many think we have one heart
But I find that to be untrue
For I love the ones around me
As much as I love you

Some think I over exaggerate
When I yell out "I love you"
To a stranger, an acquaintance I just met
But they deserve love, too

So understand this heart of mine
In the many pieces you see
Is not broken, no,
But used, to share with many

The many are the ones I just met
The few are the ones I hold dear
If the many give it back to me
Then I give more to the few

Sometimes I dream at night
I think
Of things I cannot see
Of things I cannot feel
When my voice has left me
And all I can do is
Watch
Observe the horrors
Reach
But my arms won't move
Cry
But no sound can be heard
And the tears don't form
Not till I wake up
Drenched
But for what reason?
Shaking
But what fear is there?
As I roam the halls
It plays through my head
Like a distant
Memory
That isn't real
And the lines become blurred
Between my reality and
Dreams

How many times have you been burned by a relationship?
I have been many times.
They build you up,
Talk about a future together,
Then the next day forget you even exist.
So please understand-
When you talk about living together,
Getting married,
Having a family-
I've heard it all before.
All from other people,
Who said they wanted the same thing,
Then told me I was worthless,
In less than an hour from the other.
They dragged me along,
Showed me a future so warm and bright it made me cry,
All to kick me aside,
And make me feel cold.
My dear, please be gentle and know:
I trust you,
I love you,
But I fear of what you can do,
By simply forgetting about me.

You told me to hold your heart,
So I took it and let it lull me to sleep.
I felt the beat
And knew it was for me
And it made me
Happy.

You told me to hold your heart,
So I took it and wore it on my sleeve.
I displayed it
For the world to see
And it made me
Happy.

You told me to hold your heart,
But what you didn't know is I asked so, too.
You didn't take it
You didn't display it
And I thought I was
Happy

I found my heart,
So I took it and put it back together.
But it wasn't the same.
It was never the same.
And I knew I wasn't
Happy

But still I held my heart,
And I still wore it on my sleeve.
Beaten and broken
For the world to see
And I have found how to be
Happy.

I'm alone here
I'm alone
Would you just stop
WOULD YOU JUST STOP AND LISTEN TO ME!
I'm alone
And I just repeat that again and again and AGAIN
And it always seems to be true
And I keep thinking
I think I think and I THINK
But nothing seems to happen
We're trapped
WE ARE TRAPPED
And yet I'm free to roam
You're free to go
You're free to go just go JUST GO
But I'm running away
From what from who FROM WHERE
Freedom freedom freedom OY
Freedom freedom freedom OY
Quit pestering me
Quit it YOURE NOT EVEN HERE
I wish I could go
I need an adventure
I need to go
GET AWAY FROM ME
Oh god HOW DO THEY DO IT
blank memories
blank thoughts
empty files
empty plot
scared frozen
scared free
scared forever
scared me
Meds meds meds
Drugs drugs brain
Empty clear fuzzy
Gone

From hotel rooms
To nice sized walls
Our own walls
Surrounded by houses
In a nice neighborhood
In the south
And we're sleeping on air mattresses
Till our things get here.

I've been given a key to our door
My door
Which if I close I'll show to accept
I've left that place
With all my friends
The one I love
And we're sleeping on air mattresses
Till our things get here.

We've already bought the essentials
And done some cleaning
Just like our old place
Our new place
Is just bigger
And we're sleeping on air mattresses
Till our things get here.

The animals have gotten comfortable here
Figured the workings of this place
But will freak out
When we start moving things
Wreck their system
And they're sleeping on our air mattresses
Till our things get here.

There's so much potential
I'm looking for a job
My qualifications
Are not top notch
And I will work hard
While I sleep on an air mattress
Till our things get here.

I'll make new friends
I'll find new love
But I'm not sure
If I'm ready or not
So I'll sleep on this air mattress
Till our things get here.

We've only got a year here
I've only got a year here
This key is feeble
This room means nothing
And this place will just be like a dream
And we're sleeping on air mattresses
Till our things get here.

Last year
Of a new year
In a new place
In a new school.

Next year
In the first year
In a new place
In a new school.

Nothing changes.

I am a sheep herder
Everything I say is as feed to a dead horse.
I whisper sweet lullabies with a deep guttural sound
That frightens, yet knows the solemnity of the sky.
I cry to a field of pale auspicious clouds
Then feel the tingling fall and accelerating answer.
Much have I seen in the break of days,
Growth always came after cultivation,
And fields were full of nothing.
How all things stay in similarity and change into variety.
But I am a sheep herder,
And I have no sheep.

My hope is to find comfort in words
More kind in nature than what they have heard,
Our two little angel Timberwolves.
Their hearts were so full
And impact so great-
Just seeing them smile was a blessing-
That goodbye was not something you said,
It was "see you later,"
For a promise of seeing them again.
None of us saw it,
There was nothing we could do,
But now we play every moment in our heads
Hoping to find a way to save them.
But all I play now are the happy moments:
The ones I heard them laugh,
Saw them smile,
And had them in my presence,
Even for a moment.
All we can do now is cling to the hope of seeing them again.
All we have is each other.
We must hold on to each other,
Make them proud,
And do everything we can in the memories of them.

Little girl:
Your lilac halo boasts wild days,
Yet your eyes, earthy and bold,
Whisper soft melodies of sweet innocence.
Little girl:
The bird on your shoulder shouts confidence,
Yet fidit... figi... fidgeting hands
Scramble days of rotten terror.
Little girl:
Be true to yourself;
We know who you are
We know you better.
You're not who you claim to be,
Despite all your changes.
Little girl:
Shut up.
Be still.
Be innocent.
Be what we want you to be,
Because all you are
Is what we make you to be.

I feel like an adult,
An adult is what I am.
Responsibilities,
Someone to come home to,
A paycheck,
I have it all
And more.

The desire to start my life
Is palpable,
The strongest feeling I've had,
Yet still so far.
I'm not done being a child,
A child is what I am.

The skeleton on my shirt that matches
The pain in my head as
Letters pop up on my phone I cannot read
From here
Behind me and
The more I fight my medication that
Whispers to me
"Sleep. Morning will come. The day is done. Smile."
But
The more I fidget and
The more I write and
The more I cry has it
Screaming to me and
I faint knowing I am nothing more than
Pills in bottles.

I guess you could say,
I'm a little broken.
I'm a little hurt.
I'm a little angry.
But I know the pain will go away.
I'll smile again.
You'll become a distant memory.
But you are part two
Of an epic tragedy
That once filled the space in my chest.

My friend,
You tell me to love myself,
But I hadn’t enough love left.
You see I gave it to you,
And many others too,
And I don’t expect it back.

My friend,
You tell me to be happy inside,
But I hadn’t enough happiness left
You see I gave it to those
Who deserve it the most,
And I can’t say I regret that.

My friend,
You ask me if I’m alright,
And you know I’ll always say yes.
You see it’s easy for me
To say that I’m just fine,
When really I’m dying inside.

My friend,
Tonight I cried myself to sleep.
This night, out of all the others.
Even though you asked me,
More times than one,
If I needed to vent.

I should’ve said yes.

My friend, my dear friend.
I’m not ready to say goodbye.
And bit by bit it’s eating at me,
If you look closely you can see.
You can see the color in my eyes are dim,
You can see how hollow my cheeks have been.

But I don’t care.

I don’t care if I’m letting my weight slip.
I don’t care if I have love for myself.
I don’t care if I soak my pillow every night.
For the rest of my life.

My friend, my dear friend,
I say this with love.
Love that I should have for me,
But the selfishness would hurt too much.

My friend,
As long as I know that you’re okay,
Then maybe I’ll have a smile the next day.
Maybe I’ll be happy again.
Maybe this goodbye,
Won’t hurt so bad.

I've always wondered
What my life would be like
If I was the rebellious child.

I've always wondered
What my life would be like
If I was the type to party.

I've always wondered
What my life would be like
If I was the quiet girl in class.

I always wondered
What my life would be like
If I didn't care as much.

But I follow the rules
I don't party
I'm not quiet.

I care too much;
I care too much about people,
People who don't care for me.

What if I was totally different?
What would that be like?
Who would I be?

I would be no one
Because who I am
Is who I want to be.

How do you love
Without some form of hurt
Some form of strife
To believe everything is fine
When really
It's not

How do you love
Without some form of fear
Some form of worry
To believe nothing will go wrong
When really
It already has

How do you love
And how do you love me?