The pain you cause is
a pinprick
on skin already
Ravaged
by scars and tattoos.

black lines on my skin
to track this pain
resist the pull of the knife
sharp and sweet teeth
on the softness of skin,
a caress, ominous
a promise, of relief
and regret.
black lines to cloud it out
to reel it in
progress in pain.

I said I love you,
you, I love you more.
But what you don’t get is that there’s
nothing more
than loving the one that you adore,
even as they tease their skin with the
sharp points of a blade.
I will always love you more,
more than reason, more than is safe.
You’ve captured my heart, soul, mind
and I could never walk out that door,
no matter how many
tracks cross your skin,
no matter how many broken promises
of newfound strength float into the air.
I love you more.

the wine in my cup flows freely into my veins.
it slows me down, turns me sluggish,
and takes control of
my thoughts.
they turn to you,
and more wine follows to
drown it out.
Sickly sweet, like the kisses you dropped on
my cheeks, or
the cheesy notes to mark a passing holiday.
my mind is full of thoughts of you
despite my use of the best bleach
as I try to scrub it free
of you.

you cut my heart up, let it bleed
over you mon amour.
We’re in stalemate of love,
your wavering indecision,
I want to shove
it away, put a lock on the pain,
cross your name off my lips.
What is there left to gain
with all that disconnection,
the distance stretched between us,
and you, filled with trepidation.

I’m am alone
with my thoughts, and yet,
it feels as if something is
missing.
There’s an emptiness here,
one I didn’t feel before.
Then I realize,
it’s the space where your hand
holds mine
the sound of our breath
as we exhale at the
same time.
You’re gone from me,
a vague memory you could
convince me is fake,
a story I made up during some
lunch break,
or perhaps read online,
hoping that this story
was mine.
There’s an empty spot
in my heart,
one that calls out
your name.

I’ve eaten all of the sweets here
to help me forget that you’re not near.
My cup’s never empty these days,
block you out in all of the ways.
I’ve torn up my favorite letter,
shred your love to make it better,
but the tears still come down for me,
while you walk away from me free.

You’re gone, I’m unsure once more.
From when you walked out that door,
I started doing dumb ****,
to stop from wanting you more.

I’ve taken our old life apart,
torn it up just like my poor heart.
I’ll burn all of your clothes so nice,
you won’t care, your heart’s made of ice.
I need new sheets without your smell,
I miss you more than you can tell.
You’re online doing so **** fine,
the world knows you’re no longer mine.

You’re gone, I’m unsure once more.
From when you walked out that door,
I started doing dumb ****,
to stop from wanting you more.
You’ve robbed my heart of its love,
my heart cries, a mourning dove.
Alone now without your sharp eyes,
to watch over me, tall and wise.

I’ll tip over your full trash can,
making a mess is my main plan.
If you want to leave me, that’s fine,
I realize now you’re not divine.

You’re gone, I’m unsure once more.
From when you walked out that door,
I started doing dumb ****,
to stop from wanting you more.

I’ll arise, phoenix and flame
and boy I won’t be calling out
your name.
You’ve crossed the line,
left ash behind,
and truly turn the tides.
Water won’t bring down my fire,
too strong am I
to fall down for you
once more.

I won’t lose any sleep
over the people I can’t keep.
No tossing through the night,
staying up till the morning light.
Instead, my hair lays in a halo,
I’m not waiting for your say so,
a tangle-free bundle of peace,
a joy that may never cease,
I breathe easy now alone,
a queen upon my own throne.

I’m listening to the music that makes me think of you,
and hope starts to spread uncontrollably,
like a glass of wine spilt of fresh cloth,
it seeps within me,
not vindictive,
but eager in its mission
to color the fabric red with
love, light, lust, hope,
and a little anger.
I’ll try to bleach it out,
keep it clean just for you.
I’ll package it up, throw on a bow,
and send it to you.

coffee , oh coffee, how you taunt me so.
Heavenly breath and foam sloshing,
to and fro.
Tasty, so tasty, you lie in that cup
with sugar sweet, splash of cream.
You wake me up,
tempting, very tempting, with color so fine,
I know that every sip will be
divine.

Hope has the sweetest taste,
the drug you’ll **** for,
it seeps into your veins.
Euphoria, promise, it has many names,
with its potent kiss and surge of power,
you’ll want to take on the world,
ride that high until the end.
Bold and unwavering you go,
until the trip ends
and you’re brought back down,
what reality will you find there?

I am heartless,
watch my hips sway, calling you closer,
upturned eyes blue seas that can pull you in
then turn to gray storms.
Drown in my warmth, my embrace.
Let my siren’s voice beckon you
closer to the waterfall,
let you crash among the rocks and spray
as you fall in love
with me.

You show up in my dreams,
walk through them with ease,
and I fall in love all over again.

Sponge away dark thoughts,
stow them behind ***** dishes,
hidden from guests
Dark thoughts aren’t for pretty girls,
with easy lives and paved roads
to success.
Depression is unbecoming,
lacking in fashion,
and difficult to match.
Bring in spring colors to brighten the mood,
a new palette to lighten thoughts
long gone grim.
A quick coat of color,
a patched-up job to stave off suspicion
that things have gone wrong.
Depression isn’t a thing
happy girls have,
so flash a quick smile
and pass along the mantra,
“I’m fine”

I climbed high for restoration,
for the rebirth of emotions,
for the cleansing of my soul
amid the chirp of birds,
the hum of water,
the freshness of the air.
I climbed high for strength,
to find myself again,
a me without you.
I climbed high for relief
from the smiles of the everyday,
I climbed high for me,
but still,
I thought of you.

The empty locket of my heart
Beats useless in my chest.
the gold has faded,
weathered by time and trial.
I could pawn it,
sell it to the highest bidder with
a sickly sweet smile
and the empty promise of tomorrow.
Still I trace it,
mind full of fanciful dreams
of far-off places and a
partner-in-crime.
A romantic at heart
beaten down by hardships of time,
place a ribbon on me now,
blue to match my eyes,
and I’m good as new.

toughen up chickee,
wipe the tears from your face
put a smile in their place.
stand tall and let them see
how strong you can choose to be.
shaded lips to stop them dead,
you’ll play a mantra in your head,
keep that **** far away
and square your shoulders,
to face a new day.

Sometimes I feel poetic
when I’m really just in pain.
I write to get it out,
like a soothing fall of rain.
My words have been my safety
a way to keep things clear
to work through dark emotions
and drive away the fear.
Here is where I’m safe
where I can move through it all
and that’s how I make progress
no matter how small.

Stand underneath falling leaves,
timid rain,
let the breezes brush my face
again
to cool off the thoughts
of you.

bright clothes, red lips, lined eyes
heavy, rigid, unbreakable
armor.

I thought him the sun,
warm to the touch,
a fiery force of strength
shining brighter than anyone.

I realize now he was a mirror,
a reflection of me,
the glint of sun on water,
beautiful bursts of color,
a rainbow, grown from
rain and pain,
sun and fun.
I am the one shining true
breaking up the sky,
slicing through the blue,
with all of the colors
in my soul,
glowing from the center out
to welcome the world
and set me free.

the books always say that
life is a journey,
complicated, messy, a wild ride.
You learn who you are as you’re tested
and self-growth is a valuable lesson.

But I’ve got imposter syndrome.
My face smiles while my heart cries
and my mind spins around
about a thousand times.

I’m changing, that’s for sure,
but self-growth? I’m not convinced.

I’m adapting.
Quick smiles, bright eyes,
conversation flows free
with charm uncorked,
but all the tests have shown
it’s a trick to make me last,
a self-defense to save my heart.

Protect and move on,
I’ve memorized the rules.
And now I’m here again,
content to walk alone.

I should cut my hair,
hair heavy with the memory of
your fingers running through it.
I should change my clothes,
so as not to think of you
taking them off
slowly while I lay
           on your bed.
I should buy new sheets,
ones without the trace of you.
I should change my music,
new sounds without the power
of bittersweet nostalgia
         sitting in the car with you.
I should replace the space in my heart,
the one that’s been reserved for you.
I should,
             I should,
                           I won’t.

you brought the sticks and i packed the flint.
we lit the fire,
stood by and watched it burn.
The smoke curled over our heads,
but we didn’t choke,
too in love to see it
burn away the freshness, leave its
dark ash on the green roots.
my lungs were clear,
eyes still bright.
your hand was warm in mine
as we stared up at the night.
it was beautiful until
we were drawn back to earth.
We brought the fire
then didn’t understand when the
world burned down
around us.

you took away the light
that gave her reason to rise.
you took away the oxygen
that sat strong in her lungs.
you took away her muse,
the one that made her believe,
made her hopeful.
it’s all gone and still they ask
her to smile.

My face knew tears and trauma,
shadowing my eyes and tightening
my lips too thin to smile,
a walking mask, dedicated
to the moves and words
empty of emotion.

ice in need of a thaw,
it held me rigid and raw,
until the warmth of summer
heated me alive.

now I run beneath the sun,
feeling emotions I thought were gone.
Laughing with joy unbound,
I seem to soar and sing
no longer earthbound,
but like the sprites of
tales told in past times,
I meld with the nature,
and let loose my soul.

The call of your heart to mine
stretches across distance and time.
The touch of your hand, the brush of your kiss
are not the only things I miss.

Your warm embrace and the way you talk,
eating delicious food and long sunset walks.
You are a piece of me,
your name on every breath I breathe.

The tears always come down.
…you’re in a different town.
There’s no one to hug me close,
and kiss me, gently, on the nose.

Come back to me, you are my home.
it aches and pains,
my heart wants to moan.
I reach out to you with all that I have,
and yet, I still always seem sad.

“I have promises to keep,”
whispered sweetly in my ear.
I stretched myself to too thin,
‘til it seemed I would disappear.
Now I’ve got myself to thank
for every step I’ve walked away
towards the sun, far from you
into a promising new day.

simplicity of mind seems so sweet
the ideal diet,
but I can’t help but cheat.
Gorge on anger and sip at pain,
ignore the guilt and stuff my face.
tomorrow is new,
a fresh start of hope and peace,
perfect portions to keep me pure,
though my mind dreams of more,
fingers curled in
to resist.

I’ll ask and ask again
to keep upright through it all
I’ll raise my chin
and stand up tall.
I know I’ve got strength within
that I’m a warrior inside
try to tear me down and
see where you end.
I’ll be standing over you
hope in my hand.

His touch, forced and hungry,
still echoes on my skin.
I’d hoped to tattoo that space
with your name,
your warmth to drive away the pain
and claim my skin again.
But now I’m left to stare
at the empty space
where the traces of his name
sit on top of yours.

Captivate my senses,
draw me fully in beneath open skies
to be kissed by fresh wind.
Sprinkle me with love and hope,
build my desire strong.
Lay out my hands before me,
pale against grass so green.
As eyes dance
and sun soaked hair gleams,
set my mind free from me.

my soul is branded,
your name etched in.
The iron cools in the corner,
name partially fading.
I’m no blacksmith,
but I know better than to
let the iron cool before our business
is finished.

I didn’t know stubborn until I saw it
in the lines of my face,
reflected in the mirror.
The dark smudges under my eyes
boast of restless nights spent
chasing you,
always waking before the moment when
our hands touch.

I gave my heart away,
little pieces at a time,
in exchange for warm smiles,
lingering touches, and eyes
of the clear sea.
I sealed them up each time,
postmarked and clearly written,
delivered safe to your hands
each time.
But in your careless state,
the pieces slipped through,
falling from your fingers
to smash on the ground,
an unforgiving rendez-vous.

Those fragments are lost to me,
trampled underfoot by those
uncaring souls who do not know
the torments and trials of my
worn-out heart.

In their place is barbed wire,
ominous and spiky with its
“go away” signs,
protecting the last of my heart,
an endangered species,
running out of time.

I need a touch,
the soft of lips on skin
to ignite my long lost fire.
Golden warmth of love or
red hot rage of desire,
anything to burn strong
within this empty hearth.

I place the unpolished prose
on blank paper again.
Normally I’d suit it up,
ready it for the debut,
replay it in my head
to find the words,
perfect in their row,
but these days I’m all out
and this is what I have to show.

sometimes I willingly seek out pain,
so as not to forget the memories that are tagged with
your name.

I’m a ******* queen,
get down on your knees,
strain to look me in the eyes,
the ones that you made cry.
You’ve gotta realize now that
             I’m gone,
you’ve got no one else to
             lean on.

colored M&Ms spill out of the box I made for you,
sweet with memories past,
coating my tongue,
unshakeable:
Brown for the comfort of your arms,
the warmth of your committed love,
Red for the anger,
driven by my stubborn heart,
Orange for our new adventures,
road trips with music and snacks in hand,
Blue for the tears we’ve cried together,
for the ones I’ve cried since,
Green for the hope,
the future we lay out ahead,
loose-made plans and dreams combined,
Violet for the stress,
for the uncertain plans and our fragile love,
and Yellow,
Yellow for the laughter,
tears slipping out, struggling-to-breathe-happiness,
Yellow, the light you brought to me.

sometimes i wonder how my poetry would sound coming off
your lips.
you’d pair it with the strum of a guitar,
slung low, like your voice.
i want your mouth to hold each word close,
tongue tracing the emotion,
and releasing it all to the world.