you closed my eyes
and lit a cigarette
and put it in my mouth
telling me i was beautiful

you whispered in my ears
and rubbed the cigarette ashes
on my lips
as you loved me harder

my light, you said
had seemed to light up
your whole night
effortlessly and with a passion

it seemed like
darkness did not fight no more
and it loved the light more than anything before

you finally kissed my cheek
and uncovered my eyes
while putting out the cigarette
telling me

how much i am yours.
(b.d.s.)

this is the story of how i break free.

a bright white light
pours on my face
as i open my
eyes

i wake up
in a room
i hear faint voices
barely audible

i touch the
white walls and the soft
carpet floor

soundproof.

there are only
one thing here:
a recording turntable


this whispering sensation
continues
as i put the dial
on the vinyl

it buzzes
and cracks
and pops

then finally,
one whisper
emerges from the record

"im afraid to die"
"...my blood on such a *blank carpet"
this piercing voice
only sounds once


faces emerge
like blankets of
empty white void
made known to the world

"im afraid to die"
the intensity grows
i scream and wail
mourning the lost souls

i turn off
the tape
recorder
thinking it
would all go away

i only wanted
it to go away
but wait, why
am i the one always
running?

running from who i am
what i want
what i love
gone.

piercing waves of
screaming
just constant screaming
in the dead silence

im afraid to die

i look
to the tape recorder
it was off

it had always been like this
all the time
i soon realize
that one voice
was always my mind

(b.d.s.)

my heart
feels like a
dozen of slashed
black roses

i woke up
in such a
twisted fantasy
with the slightest
possiblity that you didn't love
me the way used


i refuse to believe
that we were rotting
in the blood
of my dead corpse

i begin to write
the love letter
inked in the blood
of my love for you

i must hurry
before the screaming
sun arises
before im gone

i begin to stencil
a ****** love
for such a lying
heart that i have begun to hate

(b.d.s.)

if only the shadows would
choke me
and make me suffocate
just to serve my adoring present self


if i could
i would want to die
by the power of myself
and beating of my breaking heart

i want to be swallowed
by the deadly crimson
blood of my boiling veins
it is my only dying wish

(b.d.s.)

a girl sits in the
void of her anxiety
she hopes for light
a dream of falsification

she has become
something that she
never was

she is trapped
in the box
of darkness

she is i
i am she
i feel her pain
her agony

i scream
as she screams
i see her
moan death's name

i touch the box
where her face
should have been
i whisper inaudibly


i see her emotionless eyes
murky secrets lie inside
her hands form fist on the glass
all while a smile creeps on her face


i scream
as she smiles
'its only for good'
she breaks the glass

and time freezes

the glass shards
seep in my heart
i scream loudly
im trapped in her fatal heart


i get swallowed
by her deadly smirk
i am overcome
i am only dead

(b.d.s.)

i recount all my wishes
to the sun
but it radiates them
back to the unforgiving ground

i tell all my hopes
to the moon
it keeps them amongst its stars
it is my keeper


i express the untellable grief
to the approaching sunrise
it holds my feelings
for i have lost my identity

the sun continues to rise
for it is too late
humanity has now
returned to the ground it has once came

the dirt holds
the new identity of the lost souls
giving them a voice
that the world before never did
(b.d.s.)

hazy sedated thoughts
trapped in a collapsing world
of overdosed reality

it all begins
as he bring the needle
he injects the happiest lies
to dull my heartaches pain

it runs like morphine
through me
im in a state of
uncontrollable infactuation

he has hurt me
so many times
but yet
i hardly knew it

i ache for it
forgetting the mere fatality
i hate him
for doing this to me

i can hardly see my own thoughts
addicted to the feeling
of the cloud of deceit brings

why does love have to be
so effortless
yet
cause so much great pain?

i miss you
like the way
my dreams miss
being plagued of thought of you

i am
on my death bed
waiting for to all stop
waiting for this memory called life just to end

my spiritual drug
has already seeped into me
its already too late
im paralyzed

everything gets hazy
minute by minute
all these faces
so many dark figures

could it be someone that i know?

its the unknown
i have become afraid of it
i try to run
but it is only a lost cause

im only dead

i have drifted on the parallels
universes of the raging seas
of my mind
its too late
to leave
i have entered and
there is no end

the fantasies of words
and the never-ending
breaths between syllables
its far too late

love is gone
love is not real
all lies.
(b.d.s.)

i guess its another beginning of a new year
another year has gone
as another one is dragged itself in
the beginning of the unchanging
i dont really know how to feel about it
whether to consider the good or the bad
but one thing for certain is that
i will love
and will lose
like i do every
year
it is the unchanging pattern
it is my fate
another year of lies
jealousy and hatred
i could cry
or i could not
(im not really sure yet)
i am alone
bloodshot eyes and all
i want to be better
i cry for it
but i dont how to achieve it
instead i turn for the worse
there is no end
i really want this year
to be something
hopefully
i can
actually do it without ever messing up
(b.d.s.)

there is a mirror
in my head
and it
is not quite like yours

the mental mirror
hold threads of distorted truths
and made up of
complicated lies


but yet,
the mirror
is my confidant;
my everything

it is my raging war;
i am its revolutionary
it is my calm
before the unceasing storm


it was once a lie
it will always be a lie
made of lies
and always lies
no matter the endless cries
the mounting angst
will it ever go away?
no.

i sit at the wretched mirror
wondering the possibility
of a someday
where smiles
will truly be smiles
and laughs
will be utter expressions of joy
i sit thinking about the
the slight notion
of a time
without locked
foreshadows
of lies

i wish to be free
like the girl
inside of me
does too

if only this could be true.

i look at the mirror
a thing which i called home
asking all these unnecessary questions;
and i ask
and ponder

i touch the mirror
and close my eyes
i see a little girl
she smiles

her smile is so perfect
so angelic
like the creases of its corners
felt like the pages of a book

her lips part to say the words
"i love you"
(b.d.s.)

the oxygen i breathe
is the oxygen i use
to drop to my
eternal death

oxygen
what a lifeless substance.
a substance of nothing
always

oxygen is the fullness of
nothing
the depth of
death- the power of whole

it is the chemical reaction
where
good meets bad,
broken meets free,
holy meets unholy,
and love meets hate

love is like
the beautiful piece
of nothing
that we inhale everyday

inhale.
i just met you.
inhale.
i've just begun to love you in ways
i thought were never possible
inhale
the everlasting memories: the good and the bad
inhale
regret begins to mix with sorrows- making a deadly morphine
i inhale
and then,
i
fall
and
die


i don't know where you are
or where you have come from
i've only known the start
of a love
so beautiful
(b.d.s.)

ticking time
forgotten phrases
clicking pencils
treasured sounds

the ink from my pen
turned the words
I used to express
the infinite love...

...that was for you

I had forgotten what
it feels like
to love someone
the way I do
love you

love is to precious to leave
so alone
when I have a person to love
like you

every smile
is always worth it
every stanza
felt like a cool breath


open the wind
breathe effortlessly
to break
in a calm gentle ecstasy

love me darling
I wish
with all the heartache
you will love me always
(b.d.s.)

i want to be yours
just not a part of you
i want to be whole
one with you

i want to be yours
i want to be able
to attach the word
"mine" to your name

i long to be yours
just like the sun longs
for the earth
holding on in a constant balance

i long to defy the will
of the law
against the sins
of love

i long to
feel the warmth
of our hearts
becoming one...

like two hearts
exchanging blood,
feeling the pulse against
yours

love always eternal.

(b.d.s)

i once had a cinnamon jar
but it didn't really hold cinnamon
it held something called feelings

these feelings were like
maybe scented roses
( i can't really remember)
that was something only you gave me

there was another thing
you gave me the day i
met you
(you called it love)

i had asked where is it
you pointed out in the distance
and said "look over there"
(i still did not see it)

i must have been blinded
or maybe your piercing silence
was what i need for you to tell me

you lead me out to look at the night sky
i told you it was lovely
(but you had hated it)
i did not understand

and i thought i would never.

you asked me
what colour the moon was
i said white
and you shook your head

and said;

my love, the moon
is my heart
and the sun is my
trapped soul

it took centuries
for me to understand
what you had said
(b.d.s.)

sharp needles
blood trickles
down my upper lip
i've begin to love you in a way
i never did before

red wine
shaky, distorted lines
of a human being
ever so slightly broken

me.

translucent skin
the bullets' sin
slight breathing pierces
your unfailing heart

warm touch
the pills drop
as the poison goes
quickly down my spine

(b.d.s.)

when the colours
seem to fade away
nothing feels
ever quite the same

my dear,
you seem to paint galaxies
in many ways
i never knew

you would open
up the night sky
and tell me everything in it
was all mine

you made sparks of white
to light up the whole sky
show the assorted amounts
of stars for me

you loved me like black
loves white,
infinite and never dying

(b.d.s.)

long ago,
I was once given
one of the finest pieces
of cloth

only that the cloth was very small
and I had no thread

later,
I was given some nice
golden thread
I had sewn a tiny heart
on the cloth

the next day,
a boy asked to see
my fine tapestry
i was full of smiles

until

I looked at it and saw
a set of terrible words
on the cloth

as i read it my eyes
burned

"jealousy is a nasty *****."

(b.d.s.)

if love is a concept
why is it that this
inexplicable feeling
seems all too real

love was our sin
that we kept
under our lips
when we had first met

love was my desire
a sudden ache
inside my head
(maybe my heart)

love was your language
it was second nature to you;
every syllable
came so easy

carefree.

i never quite understood why.

but i guess i never will

(b.d.s.)

poetry is a sin
of its own
and the writer
is its perpetrator

the words were my jail cell
my mind, the judge
locked forever
with the sentence of broken stanzas

there is no end
to this crime
just like its beginning
never existed

(b.d.s.)

i am
a
*****
corpse

it seems like my mind
is rotting
at the concept of love

it is like a cliche
that moves in an
unbreakable cycle

meet
love
gone

once it is over
you can not retrieve it
once more

it is dead
just as  a lifeless body


without love
we are not alive
love echoes through
the hollows of our heart

i have loved
then lost
so now im dead

(b.d.s.)

i seem to be a lucid dreamer
at times;
constantly finding you in me

why do i like to dream about
the "could be's"
and the "never was"
as if it brought great joy to me

i seem to be a constant thinker
most times;
i can hardly think straight

through every nerve in my brain
it remembers every memory
of you
with ease

i seem to be a violent lover
all the time;
as if love is my crime

my soul had handcuffed
my heart
cutting every connection
of you

i seem to be nothing at all
i barely remember;
what is like to be loved now

i am a tiny flake
of dust
just breezing through
the depths of your mind

(b.d.s.)

see,
love is like a roller coaster ride
increasing thrill
through every kiss

there are many twists
and turns-
heartbreaks
and empty emotion

it is
held under
the suspense
of the quiet air

sometimes it is gentle
just like the wind
blowing across your hair
whipping every lock
carefully.

this ride never ends
my dear
heightened feelings
bring upon a euphoria
that cannot be compromised

(b.d.s.)

people can be
a lethal injection
of agony

people will stab you
and ask you
if you are bleeding

people can make you swallow their lies
as if it was a bowl of the finest food
laid in front of you

sometimes some pretend
as if pain does not hurt
as if the concept of pain
does not exist

why do we always ignore
ignoring is the outcome
of society's war
against itself

(b.d.s.)

i begin to run
from the very thing
that i am

one.

the chase begins
a fight between
mind and body

two.

i suffer the inability to comprehend
the world and myself
my enemy is gaining control

three.

i lose my thoughts
i have lost the ability to
once love

four.

i punch the mirror
of myself
for words scrawled
hold an empty truth

five.

it never been there  all along
it had only been
myself

(b.d.s.)

people act as if
mirrors
reflecting every image
like a real life playback

from every breathing
living soul,
to every eyeball that rolls
casts back a ripple of emotions

sometimes mirrors
are emotionless,
dead pieces of glass
only showing pain

torture and agony
carried on
from day to day
locked in aching hearts

reflections are not who
we are
just glimpses of what
we can become

becoming allows us
to develop
and become one
with ourselves

unity gives us cause
and cause gives us purpose
without it
we cannot be balanced

(b.d.s.)

you took me
to a lovely garden
long ago,
and told me i was beautiful

you kissed my hair
just as the sun rose
illuminating
the intensity of our lost love

every inch
every crevice of me
loved you
missed you.

you were my infinite stars
cast on the midnight terrain
you lit up the world
just for me

a sweet scent of lavender
permeated through the garden
you said
it was the thousands of lilacs
blooming for me

you kissed my hair
leaving behind
a sweet scent
to caress me

(b.d.s.)

when i laid eyes on you,
or maybe perhaps,
you laid eyes on me
it felt like a miracle took place

i guess
you somewhat
stitched my heart together
once again

my skin
had been
an array of
deep lines

as you touched
my lines
you connected them
making them look as if they were constellations

you gave me stars
and the moon to see them
it was beautiful
they were my stars

"beautiful", you murmured
as you left
a litter of kisses
on my collarbone

you held my hand
like it had been
the only thing
you ever wanted

you took my pain
away with every kiss
and you erased my lines
with every smile

you believed in me.

you healed me.

(b.d.s.)

so you must be another
reader
just about to pass this poem
well, you shouldn't

think about this
to yourself
while i explain
this to you

you, my friend,
are a human being
with a collection
of assorted thoughts

creativity blooms
from your mind
im sure you probably write
some good poetry too

here,you are
reading this poem
probably thinking
that this isnt all that good

but my dear,
you are not just creativity,
you are your experiences
that have occurred in the past
and will occur in the future
you are your relationships
whether they are true love
or heartbreak
you are every poem,
you have ever read
every feeling you have ever
felt
you are your thoughts
your words.
yourself.

you are not your body.
you are made of far bigger than that.
you are your soul

now that i have told
you this
do not
lose touch of who you are

every smile,
every hug,
every kiss,
should be you

every word
every sentence
every laugh
should feel so important

it should represent love.

and love should be you.

(b.d.s.)

tears fall
your name i call
gone

frozen in time
wasting away life
heartbroken.

outright cry
strikes at night
lost.

always lost
confused.
anxious.
scared.
lies.

knife
acts like
gasoline , poured on me

cast a match
flip the latch
to the prison cell of lost hearts

murmur my name
before i slain
the wretched beast

whisper into
the dead alleyways
a revival unavoidable

n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ l̶o̶s̶t̶.
c̶o̶n̶f̶u̶s̶e̶d̶
a̶n̶x̶i̶o̶u̶s̶.
s̶c̶a̶r̶e̶d̶.
more deceit.

cold like a
untouched angel
away from the worst danger

i am born again.

purged.
regenerated.
strengthened.
renewed.
rebirth.
­
(b.d.s.)

i guess
this might be another poem
about how the mind works...

my mind
is a constant explosion
of fears and doubt

it ticks like a
constant bomb
never knowing
when it will explode

i fear that i
will awake
not knowing who
i am

i doubt
that anyone
would ever
light a fire
to my dying heart

i await
the day
my other half
will take my place

i fear the existence
of not existing
and the death
of a lost poet

where is love?
where is peace?
where am i?

i'm probably dying.
uncertainity exploding at the seams.

(b.d.s.)

empty kisses
and pointless hugs
had been the symbol
of a dead love

his lips had been
the gun;
his words
were the bullets

it all made sense now
i had been enticed by
his sweet kisses
just like carbon monoxide

sweet but yet odorless.
deadly.

he filled my lungs
with hope,
longing
and belonging

i had been poisoned by deceit.
jealousy.
denial.
lies.

every kiss
was meaningful
as he loved me
except he had a gun
behind his back

everytime he touched me
it was like an ignited flame
except he had
a gasoline tank hidden in the woods

finally it had been his time
to do what he does best,
**** my loving heart.

(b.d.s.)

i have a great thinking capacity
but my thoughts feel like a mystery

my dreams
are eating me
faster than chipped concrete
breaking me
emotionally;
mentally.

thoughts translate
into garbled words
that i cant really communicate
i try to emulate
desires that
seem unattainable
probably unbelievable

brain-eating nightmares
like electrical cords
shock me
like a thousand swords

i am disintegrating
my mind seems to be decaying
probably rotting
or maybe i had just been dreaming

(b.d.s.)

one match.
kindled
one infatuation

this lit match
was contained
in a jar
in the innermost parts
of my heart

i protected it with
all i had
i trusted you

which was quite sad.

one day
you broke
this fragile jar

that's when it began.

hot sizzling ambers
glow red
as the morning sun

burning intensely
giving off an odorless smoke

see,
my heart
has been now set ablaze for you

its veins produce
a scorching red
liquid
that burns at the thought of you

it does not
only hold liquids
but it holds angst

angst
since you left me
in this fiery blaze

amidst the bright flames
at the bottom
lies coal

coal.
this black ashy substance
fueling the ****** agony

coal.
from the time
you betrayed me.
when deceit seemed
to only be on your tongue of fire
coal.
when you said
our love was like an everlasting cigarette
but instead you gently blew out the light
what a lie.

the blaze rages on
destroying the memories
of what used to be

it regains strength
it heals the soil
gives light to the new

it releases
exorbitant amounts
of catharsis
i feel it

the fire
will never die
with the unfortunate truth
that you were never mine

but the only thing that will be remembered
is how much i had tried

(b.d.s.)

pierce my heart
see my lies
there is a pain that i cant deny

rest your blade
between my heart and
my eyes
and so you may see my twisted insides

love that is taken away
is more powerful
than a love that
was gently broken

a brain shattered
by loss
does not help
a weak heart

you ripped the skin
above my forehead
and dripping with blood
you watched as my body shuddered

i begged you to stop
you said no
i asked why?
you said it had been in the name of love

i believed you.

you continued to pierce
this time into my brain
you remain insistant
that all will be better soon

i screamed
and i wailed
from the agony
i could not see

but,
i believed you.

you had one final cut
left to give
you said it was your favourite
and that it would be mine too

you took your wretched blade
and made an incision in my heart
breaking everything that once held
all the memories, all the pain

that was when i stopped believing your lies.

this cut
had been just too agonizing
it cut off the circulation between
mind and body

i could no longer
feel the feelings
that i once did
i missed that

no remorse
no anger
no pain
no love

you had taken away
euphoria chaos
called love
i never could look at anyone
ever the same

that pain
never faltered
even when
you left amongst the shadows

(b.d.s.)

the sun like tiger stripes
illuminated my room
and reminded me of you

your smile was radiant too
it was like the early morning rays
will you be mine today?

your kisses like euphoric desires
fell like an eternal stream of rain
are you here to stay?



(b.d.s.)

you loved me
like the way
the sun
loved the earth

you radiated upon me
giving me
a love
i could barely recognize

but then;

your words
filled with deceit
brought waters
i have never seen before

i have come to
realize
what face lies
behind your lies

the waves
know your
deceitful secret
and keep it well

the waves begins
to fill my body
how could one
endure an agony like this?

the waves
in my mind
have thickened
at the thought of you

water fills my lungs
i gasp for each breath
i begin to suffocate
waiting on death's bed

i begin to sink downward
in a effortless spiral
my body is now calm
just like when you left me

my breathing has slowed
just like our recent lack of communication
im must be on a sedation

my corpse has become lifeless
beginning to shut down
piece by piece
the water is a sinful poison

flooded thoughts
run rampart through my soul
scrambled images
i can barely see

screams
after screams
break my thoughts
of you

i will myself
to sneak just
a tiny glimpse of you
a small bit of euphoria left

it begins
to bring an unceasing pain
that my body cannot handle

i start to perish
but;
i can't seem to let go of you
just like you said i would

(b.d.s.)