there was never anything to believe in to begin with
my faith is a delusion
visions to erase
my mind distraught and at ease
deep confusion
here I am again, sulking in this great despair
in my dream we named her Adela, and I remembered a reality before that
Imagine dreaming of a daughter unborn…
visions of her crying in your stomach… to feel that… to feel it all
Part of me remembered that I discussed that with you (my love)
A glimpse of her face
My universe changed, it’s always too good to be true…
my longing resurfaces when I browse through our photos, a broken journey
I never feared loving too much
Give myself away to see this through
Give myself away through honesty
Repercussions out of thin air
Dreaming with you always
Don’t want the memories to fade away
I want to remember what it feels to watch you enjoy a meal, sweet little moments that help me sleep
I don’t want to forget, but I can’t take it
Crippling sensations
It’s been a long day, it’ll be a long week…
Month… year… shattered dreams
My imagination runs wild when I think of the possibility of us…
Intentions gone to waste… time I’d never give back for a trillion gazillion times 4 plus infinity dollars…
I’d take an hour with you in my arms over a life where I never met you… so I wouldn’t feel this way… this… broken…
Though the pieces are scattered… I must know I’m whole
Misconceptions will destroy me…. To believe she is gone
To be a ghost in this world… my love
I think you’re gone…
What’s a lasting love
I’m going to end this one here
Imagining what it would be like to be laughing together
My world… senseless
Little memories that’ll last me a life time…
Happy knowing I can love someone this way… even if they don’t want to love me back
I must
I will…
i hope it isn't a crime to long for the only truth i want to believe
you

too many lies have made me blind

i'm just trying to make myself feel and be better, but i wasn't a great partner.. always two sides to the story

she pointed out things i already knew about myself, i'm not perfect but i try to be patient with myself... if I could I would've rushed the process

i'm worth it, yes... i think... but sometimes it doesn't feel like i'm worth my next breath of air

i've always had an issue with that until it backfired, one bullet turns into 100

right at me, if they were real i wouldn't try to dodge

questioning the "logic" behind these emotions

imaginary weight? but it's dragging me down before the sun rises again

i don't have anything to believe in, i'm not the one for her... is what she's decided

nothing is right for me... after endless mental agony

facts don't make me feel better, but it's good to be honest

always better to be honest... things are **** at the moment

there's nothing to do but live through it again

i was... dumb to think otherwise

they say to step away at first sign, but you always want to try to fight it

for the sake of making things work, even if they don't

i've given up plenty of times, this time it feels like i shouldn't again

when i should, again

here it comes

i get it, i get it

ahhhhhhhhhhh

yes i'm flawed... i know... i'm still... growing eww

sooner or later

"just let her go"

it's so simple... she's vanished

and it wasn't meant to be, but i thought she was the one to settle down with afterall

she's hung up on an image, multiples

if it makes me feel better, believe it

she just wasn't into me

just focus.. on living, not just exisiting

imagine loving someone that doesn't love you back

thinking about a certain future that's been taken away


my mind is lost right now.... i'll let it run for a bit until i can catch upppp


dreams unlived


i dreamt about our kids last night and I forgot to tell you


an ending with too many photos to feel alive to

a great crusade in search of truth
seeking to understand myself
whatever's left i guess
the reason behind my existence
imagine reaching a goal in which we thought was what we sought
but after a certain time it proves to be illusive and delusionary
**** me
we've added more to our difficulties than we have to our solutions
but once something is solved, new problems arise
original revelations
a life uncluttered opens the doors to the inner self
vast ambitions
sounds of birth/sounds of death
(if i ever want to understand the invisible)
i must be able to find it in the visible
theology is just a mere abstraction of natural phenomenons
religion is testing the possibility of community through our relationships
philosophies based upon nature... the changing seasons
great consequences, advanced causes
the highest level is reality
the certainty of your own demise
the complicated network of truths

the realm of illusion
not much more illusory than in the physical world
extreme unreliability
impression by the unseen seer
changing forms
glamour
an object seen as it were from all sides at once
the inside as if the outside
inadequate language
frequent reversal
astral light
139
as 931 and so on
capable masters
great hurry and carelessness
all possible forms of illusion
how do i deal with phenomenons like this
few words are needed
death is easier to face than to try and wrap my head around (life)
it's not about seeing correctly, but translating what is being seen
trying to carry my consciousness without it breaking
from physical to astral... and back
possibility of recollections could partially be lost or distorted in the blank interval
experiencing between breaths
the root of this moment to the next
the inevitable now
spirits unfortunately dormant
we'll soon build up the courage

there's no reason to remember about what I've desired
just like I forgot about the desire to write
I've allowed myself the freedom to do
(when I want) (focus when it comes)
it's what feels to be, spiritual progress
radiant feelings
coming and fleeting
thought forms melting before all I'm seeing
attitude is vibration
the root of creation
divine formation
through useless information
making sense without mystical procedures
wasted leisure
(false ambitions deriving from unnatural greed)
open myself to persecution
only to realize I my"self" am an illusion
so it begins, the dissolution
calm and ready
secluded in the mysteries of this great theatre
life, a series of memories arranged in the practical
harmonical manner
(if that's a word)
(keep typing)
what do I live for?
a production of symbolism
entertained in the prisms
that so happen to reflect human mischief
live to diminish
built up anguish
a hopeless wish
meaningless stitch
can't manage the baggage
inside the cerebral attic
static between breaths
the moment I'll let
settle in the sun that meant to set
(a wedding in the sky)
lost love so divine
tears rushing down my cheeks at night
reflecting on universal signs
eternal truths
3.14
pie
I sigh
a moment at a time
you can't change, only modify
generous time flies
realizations combined
directions for decisions in mind
(this life)
incline, decline
experiences desgined
in
curves, opposing straight lines
how would we even define....
what truly aligns
the spirit
continue, live like there's no finish
vulnerable
characters to diminish
predict my wishes
my heart
longing for what isn't
what was
no longer there
couldn't stare at what I couldn't bare
missed true love by plenty hairs
mistakes were obvious
I was oblivious
thinking of what could've been
again
Limited trains of thought
All I used to sought for, cost a lot
it was you, who inspired some tunes
formed by the formless wind that creates the dunes
Inevitable doom
Saudade
Under the moon
I succumb to you
act upon intentions and responses
perhaps it's way too soon
flowers yet to bloom
ideas flowing out the womb
mistakes to broom
room to improve
a struggle before you wake
less and less to rake
In and out of fantasies
can't trust in (reality)
question my sanity
study my anatomy
Zoom passed meaningless blues
I’m on my walk...
I feel better now
examine the highs before I drown again
calculate the vitamins
narratives written with my fancy stolen pen
this is.... idk

lost in mysterious shades
no aid to what I have played
(myself)
falling into an illusion
the pursuit of love
there's no need to desire if it's all around
yet, I'm alone in bed wanting to hold someone to sleep
the memories are deep
I question what I truly seek
practicing everyday to communicate feelings
art is the result
expression through mediums
I've always known.. this is what I would do
there's no room for people like me, so I'll remain in solitude
(i have so many new posters to hang up)
my week has been weird, I sleep a lot these days... it's not that I want to... I wake up and lay... think... long for her...
my eyes slowly begin to close until...
IT'S ******* 1 PM AND I THINK TO MYSELF... I COULD'VE BEEN DOING ****...
(I reason with myself..."you do work from 10 to 3am...every night of the week)
I'm not used to my schedule
growing up after college kind of *****... where I want to be will take some work
(mostly financially)
a stable job... my own place... solitude... good ****...
soon.. I hope
I've been doing my best to overcome yesterdays "self"
even though I know ultimately there is no "self"
little day by day accomplishments drives the human
let me be human with inconsistent reasoning and carelessnes... I'll learn from it
... and also be nothing.. at the same time?
isn't it all the same
anyway, it's 4:39 am and I always wonder why I'm so drawn to specifying the time in some of my poems
it's not that deep... I promise
maybe I should be the first person to introduce cubist poetry??
could that be a thing??
just write about different times in my life in a "poetic manner" and jumping to when I was 10 years old busting my first nut
the internet was weird for me those days
soccer compilation vids of my idols and ****
(writer later on becomes a monster and commits suicide)
(in my dreams)
anyway
these days... I feel alive, I was talking to this girl but I know... it won't work
time requires some entertainment and I'm just... a ******* when it comes to feeling something for someone other than who I'd want to... start a family with...
I know right
those hopes have evaporated into nothingness and I'm here... I'm capable
different people make me realize different things about myself
that's why I choose to expose myself... their way of being changes when I let them know... it's okay to be, no pressure
no ego
we're just a **** load of atoms... communicating
(I don't want to believe in anything)
I want to learn so many instruments
stringed
percussion
****
I'm on a good track.... I believe
I wan't to write my parents symphonies
and the girl I miss...
I always comeback to that
thinking about what to type
live for my wrongs to make them right
go through the dark to get to the light
fear no repercussions, out of perspective sight
I feel like I've gone off track
it's been a long day
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
I might go get some kolaches later... my spot opens in 4 minutes
should.. I leave now???
mm.... I'll give it 30 minutes
after I post this I may lay down and fall asleep though
I never have the desire to eat in the morning
gives me more time to plan what I'm going to stuff my face in later on
intermittent fasting bro
I hear you can sell your art via crypto currency...I've also made research about how it's bad for the environment???
weird... but I want to give the future generations more time to solve modern day dilemmas... like that ****
it'd be dumb if I fell asleep mid sentence and my computer died... I'm actually pretty tired... I closed my eyes for 10 seconds and thought 30 minutes had gone by... I'm... hungry though (lol)
I think I will go out for those kolaches after ******* all (as my eyes close slowly)
I'm here... awake...listening to Polyphia
getting hype
this solo
how the ****??
my days are numbered
so are yours
we will all vanish... every word people say about us after we're gone means nothing but will be missed somehow
I'm going to end it here
the poem
hahaha
I have... a lot to live for
finally

here with nothing to think
trying to express what's worth being said
i'm sitting here
the bottle is empty
typing is tricky
if it's not happening around me, should i care?
the solo will go on
the beat will move
move forward
lessons to reevaluate
something seems off though
my schedule is on point
hours doing what I love
months not seeing who I love
months not talking who I adore
should i even think anymore
when it all ties back to her essence
she's moved on
perhaps i'm stuck
im... not
feelings are limited
there's more
david
there's more
trust me
there's more to inhale
think less about a past that doesn't exist
everything is straight forward
we just make it sound pretty
language
the ability to communicate in a unique manner
we don't all communicate the same way
there's easier ways to say things, **** just sounds prettier
auditory elegance
what am i doing??
bored tonight
it's valentines
does it even matter
idk?!
this morning it did
tonight feels like any other
missing you right now
but i dont think about you all the time
i'm confused
do I truly love you?
and if i did
why dont you?

long night longing
what was, again
new beginnings
again
the train had stopped
got off to ponder in past obsessions
didn't know if they were healthy or not
but I dont think any of them are
a journey of steps impossible to take back
new loves with no special spark
i tend to think i've felt it all
that's what you made it seem like
how we created our past with nothing new to witness
at least that's how it seems
messages evaporated into thin ******* air
meaning nothing but everything to me
another night
longing for chances I can't even see anymore
longing for moments i'll never feel again
gone
gone
gone
like the wind that passes
old photos
still moments
i can't remember them all but i was grateful
filled with joy, nothing to regret
moments i can't seem to remember but will never forget
thank you
for caring for me
"me"
if there ever was one
an illusion to fall for
false hopes all along
because they should've never existed
i should've never hoped either
let me tell you the time
4:42 am
my eyes are droopy
my body
restless
thinking about this poem
more and more to express about someting that has died
an effect i can't ignore
something to remember
everything was once okay
and although, ultimately
everything still is
it would be better with you, by my side
darling
always
thinking about you behind emotion filled moments

Skewed vision when I followed the cynosure//
Beam balancing
Can’t hold my own sometimes//
Made up characters to separate my thoughts from “myself”//
Split my cares in eights//
Off with the indecision//
Fall asleep as soon as the tears hit the pillow//
Head up, delusional//
Unparagoned//
So I think
Perception shields the egomaniac residing in me//
I make it seem as if so, but really with my intentions, I’ll never know how things will play out//
Misterpretating will be my end//
With no one to truly seek, I play with the inconsistencies.... so what about guilt?//
My character doesn’t mind the idiosyncrasies I portray... I do it for the show
Merging with the relentless and the glorious
It ***** to be Sweet, bittersweet//

Waking up in valorous conduct/
aware of my impetuous commitments/
I long for awakenings when my eyes seem to be open/
Misinterpreting a reality I can’t untangle/
Trying to bring about the moments that brought me most happiness by force/
Valiant to go against my deepest rejections/
Alone in the moments we belong together in/
To think my art was stymied by your love/
Selfish me, couldn’t see it took a selfless “Sweet” to redeem our forever ever after/
         (Interruptions from the tip of my ego)
(Getting the best of my fragility, I’m not tough)
In shambles after processing what once was, actually was/
Questioning the will my mental grip strength had during changes I never wanted to face/
Your love, like pummeling fists dodged my ignorance/
Careless and regretful, the silence is filled with what “was”/
Ashamed, but perhaps a benison in development.... through the pain/

Practice “my” traits
Allow the knowledge to flow
I make my food
Servings of protein
Driving alone
Up and about to nowhere
My days seem endless
Distant in my room
Awaken when I see myself perform my life
But is life everything and everyone if we’re all reflections of ourselves

Performing this experience in the now... we are the crowd and dancers

I am you
But my thoughts conquer and the surface is all I see
My ego doesn’t understand
I want to love it so that it shrinks

I’m full from my meal
I miss Sabrina, my dear friend
I’m on this journey, and you’re still in it too somehow
Beauty is when the mind ends
When you just are with what’s infront of you

Cultivating in this state of loneliness

Collecting information
Input
Output
I don’t want to work tonight
The people will dance to the music
I’ll dance to our lives
But still playing my role
Shake my head right
Security
Whatever

Everything is happening in one moment
Sometimes it’s
:/
Sometimes it’s
:)
You know
Either or... it still is... “is”

When it all collapses, your spine tingles
I love my family
I love myself more these days, but it’s hard
My thoughts fall into the processors
Some seem to be “important”
I’m practicing my life
I’m experiencing it all in one
In one breath
I shift in and out
But it’s always there
Either way, I cherish the emotions
The downfalls
The glory moments

I come back to myself
I come to back to all
Behind the curtains
Behind the show
Behind the producers
Behind the mind
Underneath it all
In peace
Dancing in the stillness of it all
So much to think
They come and go
But some are part of me, they are stitched into my mind
I’m going to drink some coffee
This one is everywhere
But inside me
“Meeeee”
I miss myself sometimes
But I’m wrong to
This is fresh
I’m getting used to the handles of this acceptance
A follicle in an ocean
Vessels of ideas walking the earth, ******* each other

Out of place
Out of lane
Life in vain
Observe the pain
Regain my “self” to seek a “self”
Loss of love, lots of doubt
Gain some love, bend some time
Act so cool, create visual ***
Generate from the nothingness
Feel some type of way
There’s no way I can regret
Why should I think about something that’s dead?
I didn’t plan on walking the stage
I do it for my mom, I do it for my dad
And the people that’ll meet
I’m grateful for the insights, I’m lonesome without the help
Some of the most random situations pull me out of hell
This character will lose his mind one day, if there was actually a mind to actualize
It doesn’t hurt to leave
Leaving behind what’s not meant to be
But how do we know without any effort?
It’s the morning
I hope to see you soon
3 weeks ago, I couldn’t look at myself for more than 10 seconds
But I live in a world full of reflection
I don’t sense myself looking at the mirror
Formless forms
I’m ******* myself with unreasonable neglect
My goatee is thick this morning
I’m about to use one of my moms new razors
There’s all and not much to talk about
It sounds crazier when we speak it though
The simplicity of the complex
The complexity of the simplicity
I’ve been sitting on this toilet for too long
Goodmorning world
It’s about the approach
Ugh
7:58am

the time shall come
when the birds hover over the fields I'm buried in
and every metal I've known is rusted
who knows about the next generation
we're already saying it's too late
for whatever it can be, there's only a now to correct
my will to prosper in the dark ages brings me to the absolute
eternally in a moment processed to live

my morning has been warm
we've seen the sun arise in the earliest of the morning every time you've spent the night
it's only been two nights, but I'm well into patterns

a moment so precise, a love that breaks the ice
I turned over and watched you sleep for inspiration
Sensations passing and arising
Find myself dying when I give surrender to my passion
For my sense of self, there’s no place in heaven or hell
everything is happening so fast these days
Losing feelings to create new ones
When do the cycles end?
I problem to face, a dent in time filled my plate
A new approach to things that are usually too late to appreciate
Everything that’s right infront of me

what happened to reason?/
gone with the wind with every changing season/
the seconds between you realize that moment at ease/
finding my way but I've lose the keys/
deep in the sea, deep in the sea/
is it comfort I seek?/
to break through illusions I create?/
am I just teasing my mind with ideas that easily leave?/
the overlapping conversations between my sensations fill the paper/
they fill the spaces of silence
they might even satisfy the eye/
interactivity in the process
no thought can linger for so long,  a vessel in disguise/
perhaps I'm just a lie, at peace with what I don't like... what happened to reason?/
a reason for this, a reason for that
a reason to fight/
but all that I don't like.... requires judgement/
a thought follows, but I don't/
too many mistakes have been made under this light/
a war to be settled with the untouchable, with a mirror/
there was never a reason to retaliate with my angels and my demons/

with or without me/
the world will keep change remarkably/
the leaves will sprout and grow into trees gracefully/
And some ******* will later saw it off to build new offices for future graduates that care about the environment when it’s too late/
it’s the pain and joy that bring me closer to life/
it’s experience that separates hope from the all knowing/
you’ll love again/
I’ll sit in my dreadful misery for that time being/
there’s indignity in my temperament/
only you can see through the masks I portray for the mindful and mindless/
the conceptions they throw at me to identify my mannerisms just make me laugh/
Because everything is on purpose/
Played out before I lay it out/
Understand the roles before I play the part/
There’s “freedom” for artists in this world
Inside the heart of imagination that never stops beating/

what happened to reason?//
gone with the wind with every changing season//
the seconds between you realize that moment at ease//
finding my way but I've lose the keys//
deep in the sea, there's no surface to see//
is it comfort I seek? //
am I just teasing my mind with ideas that easily flee//
the overlapping conversations between my sensations fill the paper//
they fill the spaces of silence//
they might even satisfy the eye//
interactivity in the process//
no thought can linger for so long, a vessel in disguise//
perhaps I'm just a lie, at peace with what I don't like... what happened to reason?//
a reason for this, a reason for that//
a reason to fight//
but all that I don't like.... requires judgement//
a thought follows, but I can't//
too many mistakes have been made under this light//
a war to be settled with the untouchable, with a mirror//
there was never a reason to retaliate//

trying harder than ever

keep it moving

let it flow through your will

from "when should I stop?"

to "why should I stop?"

the changing seasons go well with the way things are inside of us as well....

weirdly....sadly...happily...

it's cold out...

warming up with radiating love that's covered by my subconscious

let them be.... so that they can disassemble when you pay attention to the thoughts that make you overthink everything

conclusions in my head that didn't make sense, far from me

"me"

so it seems to be...


when will we all just laugh?

pretend we never lacked all we ever did


reflect to accept all that's been affected


in debt with the **** that makes me go in depth with a doubt that don't exist


call it quits

to be free from all that "exist"