Can’t rely on what I was

To you
To them

When you become aware of tendencies you have
The research can make you doubtful of who you really are
But these are just obstacles
Periods
I know now

I want to thank Sabrina for making me realize it
Endless proof that I was a narcissist, atleast for that period in my life

It’s over
It all has to end
I can only say sorry

Own up to what’s been

Forgive the sins that made the day a dim place in the distance

Princess to a reference, I just play with what could be

Persevere through the steers

Find beauty in the tears

Time passes and all that matters is here

Eyes pealed
Lips sealed
Disregarding my feels
What’s really real?
In the moment I heal

Finally

But whatever.... endeavors flowing out the river

Understood the way I was

Narcissistic

Reading on how to be “that” guy

To realize something that was detrimental to my relationships

My ******* tendencies

To realize you’ve only seen glimpses of me.... pardon my “self”

The pain won’t stay
So long
See you in May
Just not today, myself to betray
Lose myself indulging in what’s not spoken
Losing grip of the entirety of this moment
The only regrets I have are the ones that make her upset
is this a phase
false love to praise?
am i insane?
insecurities i can't restrain
is this a test?
one I can't retake?
is this a game?
one I cannot play?
when will it pay?
in debt til I decay
what should I say?
it's wrong to hate
the obvious is said
complications in my head
resulting in my death
it's life or lead
but what's to complain at the end when I wake up in a bed

There is no hope in the “fixations”
This moment is eternal
The “problems” vanish when there is no future or past
The filter limits my mind
How many ways are there to get to the other side of the madness derived from perceptions

When I don’t care
Would it be fair?


My eyes can’t be everywhere
Neither can my mind

Here and aware
Not there
No control
Beyond the lenses that filter

The nonexistent past and future bother my mind sometimes

(hard to love myself when I found myself in you)

Wondering if I’ll go to hell
In my thoughts will I dwell

A beginning
Empty

been trying to sleep since 8:50
a productive day

morning jams
afternoon workout

40 minutes of jumping rope
Thank you Rupert Spira

But I’m here again, crying and the reason is a thought that I let consume my days

loneliness

I miss her

Moments of awesomeness

Moments of overwhelming sadness

The days will go by

I’ll talk to you whenever

Could be tomorrow

Keeping busy

This change is one of a kind

One that makes me want to erase my mind

Start anew

But we can only go forward from here

Lullaby playing
I can only think things I shouldn't be saying
Like the loss of you that is driving me insane
Alone in the room that was meant for me and you
Never been so distanced from the truth
It was you, the one that made it seem like this experience was eternal youth

(troubled, will you be back soon?)

.....it's this moment that I wish I was immune from this doom that said I couldn't make it past the afternoon

I'm here now

1:30 pm.... a little bit passed afternoon

yes, it ends
and i won't pretend that this seems like my end as well
love letters to send
in each other we can't depend
the time was well spent

and our lives we still have to attend no matter what trends suspend what we truly are
this love can't be torn apart

positive start

end the night with a ****

Kiss....me one more time
And maybe once again
And after that once more
Maybe then you’ll say
And I’ll finally behave
Man I never knew
that one day I’ll be begging you to stay
Wish you believed me when I said
That I’ll never be the same
I guess I have to accept this change
And go a little bit insane
It’s okay my dear
You did what you had to do
Either way I’ll wait for you
Even though it was me
That caused this entire mess
I will never forget
Who you were and what we did
Because all that’s said and done
Taught me to simply be
Even though it’s hard
to live through this pain
Must remain aware
of the **** that makes me dare
to end it like I never cared

farewell
I’m hoping this ends well
and starts anew
it is you
the one I see in all my views

so much has been learned

experience was earned

now is all we know

I understand when you say you don’t see anything in the future

we can’t dwell in the unknown

and we shouldn’t decide based on experiences from the past even if it makes sense

Easy for me to say I guess

“this pain will last”, I say

the thought lingers inside my brain

but I know I’m openness

the dissolution of a mask


I love you so much

your move
flee or stay
deep in the feelings that thought faded yesterday
too much senseless tea
had to stray
away from the past that's been decayed
thoughts turn to knots
my throat stuck in plot
this feeling I wish i had not caught
in an empty lot
with nothing to spot
happiness i should've bought
too much is too much
seeing dots in the ceiling where there is no
sense in having my feels to jot

flowers left unseen
even if my prescense is unseen
i wonder for the reasons to bleed
to think of all there is to see
to know the unlimitedness of it all

back here again
before work
to write in skeptical delight
to know and hold my ground tight
the grip doesn't soften

awaiting for my shift to start
gather myself in my car
reflecting on today and the hw left undone
i dont' get this **** for ****

one day, it'll come together
without the people of today

and the thoughts that followed

out of my way
you ponder in my doubts to portray
a side of me that never wins a game

around the space there’s fragility
If I break will I

come to my senses?

to seek for love is to seek for denial in the obvious of wrong times

used to share our lives and now it’s just too unsettling
Should of thought of me when I was trembling
To foresee what we didn’t know
Like we should to begin with
In the terrors of my mind I hear shrieks to add some tension

the mess has been swept
the tears have been wept
i no longer long for greater length of our days together
to sleep, to be alive
to breathe, to attend today
moving my body
in and out the store
in and out the gym
in and out my room
in and out your life
only to have memory of all places and minds i've been
the doors are shutting, and I'm waiting for somebody to come out the "other" side
but they are clueless
the imagination is broken
and the train tracks have rusted
the destination is blocked
thank all of your thoughts

to oversee

to "feel" neglect on some kind of truth

the one that makes you go crazy

whatever it is

it's beautiful with you

but i shook hands with an end i couldn't accept

on to the next i guess

i can't bare with the unknown regarding you



another sip
to numb my lips




imagining the possiblity of us

desiring trust from myself

can't dwell in the hell i've created for my health

living to overcome the previous days

a transit to a better tomorrow

a mentality to try and follow

for no reason but satisfation with ones self

why would i ever want to satisfy my "SELF"?

"i" shouldn't need you, this longing is at war with my being

various traits to become alligned with

to make up who we are and what we want to be

in time

ways of patience

practice


in the stream of dedication
initiation is tricky
a little iffy

everything we used to be has ended

left my side 2b free

my mind aches so ******* much
i know it's easier to simply "be"
the story started to end when I thought this love wouldn't fade

no hope from the start

for the next person, there's no love to spare

time away

it'll just fly

like the 3 years i'll deny ever happened

pour myself away

to observe all that I "am"

the memories of you aren't "now"

it's a hard thing to accept

gone with the love we both portrayed

until it fades and decays

in time we'll heal and say
          we've learned from the tragedies

      fall for oppositions

that's the first sign...

we were blind.... in denial
or is that just how I see right now?

achieve the moment of being alone

only to know, that's what I always was

to think you were the only one


the fights just leave us in distress

to know I'm no longer harming you

vice versa

the happier I seem to be

undenianiably memorable segment of our lives

to look back and still feel and know love... or what it could

be....

the unlimitedness of it

to know I do, doesn't matter if you do
is enough for

me.

when the autumn ends

will be we passed ammends?

doge the

                     pain.....

to get
           hit from another direction

i'll just fall.....

and get up again

don't you worry






           about David

when it all goes to ****
and the chemicals don’t hit
Remember
you’ve always been the one to control your will to quit
And you’re still here
even when your life is smeared
and there’s nowhere else to steer
there’s still a move to be played
early or late
those who face themselves
aren’t ones to be betrayed

it makes sense
A tad tense from a day that don’t require two cents
Seeing from a different lense

this is the end
A poem to finish this off
For the memory
12:52 am
November 6
My day didn’t start so well
False dreams it seems
Sleeping in the closet
Feeling like a loser
A new beginning
Another end
No more time to spend
This time
All I can do is accept
The circumstances call for a few cries of denial
but the reason has been clear

when the dues are paid
and there’s nothing left to be said
get up and make your bed
heat up the water
you look at your phone only to say “why bother”
my mind is playing games
Eyes of people so tame
I let out my false anger on people I love
Can I envy empty space?
Give me some peace, a slice to taste
I can’t deny my hate when it doesn’t exist
it doesn’t begin
Nor does it end
Why do I deny?
your influences tickle your thoughts
it reflects in your actions
dangling keys
running from the bees
the pain is far from being at ease
expanding consciousness but I slip when the thoughts come storming
Flooding my train of thought
Demons to be fought
in an empty lot
A reason to be caught
Alone, this stream I must jot
listening to romantic music
by the girl with a voice better sounding than the acoustics
They think I’m playing but really I’m not boosting
The mood changes like a hit before I’m zooted
Unexpected
But when the heat comes know that it’s brewing
The doings of today
Forgotten in the days I couldn’t walk straight
The moments are delayed
Down as of late
Early when I bake
It just happens no heaven sake
It just happens
Like I don’t think of the girl I betrayed
Never should I have stayed
If the love was delayed
Why did I choose to stay
In a crowd
For a band
Color and sound
The waves take the pain away so late
The mind in disbelief
happy endings to seize
the one in the mirror the only one to please

a bed awaiting my death
remembering moments better left unthought
if it’s for the better, i won't call to say I love you
growing fond of letting go
it's so easy it hurts
without opening my third
it simply has been
the wine consumed
makes it easier to accept my doom
go your way
mine has been betrayed
broken promises
the moments pass
the liquor is still being consumed
the end
is all we live for
every moment flashes
it flashes
it flashes
the run
towards a light unseen
a darkness so keen

where's the indicator?
where is it shown?

(the will to write is lessenening)

hugging what is seen
throwing up what's beyond there

a walk to my car
eternity somewhere else
my leg is hurt
i can't go to the gym
my pax is being reloaded
some pounds are being added

tonight i seek my vengeance
the little things that makes me "feel" like a hero
i shouldn't restrict this type of writing
this is meditation
this is clearing
and being comfortable with what's inside

end the streak
beat the beat
no hide and seek
just face the fear and greet

the water has boiled, the noodles are settling//
the music is going//
my cup is filled//
my thirst is quenched//
dinner is in the making//
i check on the noodles//
walking back to my computer i start to develop different ways to portray my ideas//
i'm one mouse click away from manifesting something that generated from the questionable//
sometimes i don't understand the reasons things work the way they do, but it makes so much sense//
the possibilities are endless, but there's only one sensical way//
there's also dramatic ways to portray the simple, but these days anything is possible//
i'm listening to coral wonder by george fenton, i'm looking at my fingers type//
how did i develop the coordination to type this?//
everything really is a practice.... just imagine exchanging the doing of texting into learning the violing and maybe even// becoming the worlds greatest player//
then again, that's a lot of texting.... a lot of practice//
i don't think communication is meant to be a tiring thing, i think that's why people text like crazy//
whatever though//
is it weird to miss someone who died before you were born?//
i feel that way about john lennon and charles bukowski....//
i want to live to see the day when i can see their motives reflecting on me//
i can't wrap my head around how much expression they have generated from within....//


i can't wait to live tomorrow//

in the dark i sit
thinking about when i'll just quit
pleasing for the wrong reasons
will make the train of thought to my vision split
(sitting on this chair, alone...aware... of how bad it's been this week)
(weeping for a bit, watching videos.... trying to uplift myself without use of energy)
i feel weird tonight
out of site
everything influences, what do i cite?
laying down my weapon
i don't want to fight
i don't crave acceptance, i don't want to oppose with opinion
(whatever you stand for is nobody's business but yours)
why would you care?
to my self i must declare
to walk and talk in full aware-
ness
feel somewhat a mess
but tomorrow is a new day, i don't think i should stress
clean up my mess
maybe resist the person i pressed
unwanted thought, how does that convert to feeling less?
and everything okay when you get undressed?
i bet you ask yourself when i'll finally be my best?
in the end, it's the love or lead

get what you can take,
but think before you do
for consequence follows behind every choice
get what you can take
from walking
to talking
the most from all, from the seconds that don't matter
(when i'm deep in some ****, i think about this)

but some thoughts just overcome the "smarter" ones

and regret follows behind the action

races to be won, races to be lost
emotions to be felt
emotions to learn and observe
moments take over
the storm will never be over
as long as i remain aware, of the pain inflicted
by myself, decisions with cause and effect
feelings that were acted on out of neglect
we argue and we both become suspect
to our eyes, we cannot lie
for i know, the layers inside your mind
and you know mine
this morning was fine, far from good
last night made my thought process shook
asking how i define
this love that don't resemble confine
i wrote a good *** poem earlier
and it got deleted
it was time to practice
let go of the moments that threaten your being
that threaten the ties you've created to be this way
we fight until we ask ourselves what's the subject?
blurry memories, sit and reflect
to live a blurr, no mind to retrospect
moments that were delivered to my reality
moments that caused pain
derive from the unconscious
i'm aware of this, letting it happen is a burden sometimes
how do i not let it, when sometimes it only "feels" right?
how does it "feel" right to feel anger?
****
i'm still walking on a rope
but can't balance my"Self"

awareness applied
to live, to die and feel love for what's outside
live for this
for questions
for explorations
within


i have work at 11

the coffee has been brewed, but i'll let it sit and write this poem

i wonder what the people have to say today
they walk in, give us business, give us *******
who do i believe, who do i trust?
i guess i have to see beyond it, beyond that...
beyond what they think and say
how are they when they're away?
they look empty, what kind of soul? what kind of formulae
to your disarray???

i'm kind of excited....

to live today

haha....
we still on bad terms but like i have to continue to live breh...

this writing was interesting...

after all we've seen
the things experiences we've lived
the poems i've written
to soften your existence
to make everything a little more romantic
with words to describe what i can't describe
after all my kisses
the hugs
the meals we've shared
the moments we'll look back on, the moments we've looked back on
the cringey moments
the broken smiles
after all the music we've listened to, it'd be hard for me to listen to again
the lingering vibe in my car
every fight feels like a break up
every argument makes me want to sew my mouth together
shut up david
but we are both wrong
and sometimes your words hurt me
(they're not supposed to, yet i'm crying while typing and my throat feels choppy)
the things you've done for me don't reflect what you said to me in absolutely certainty
"******* idiot"
i feel dumb
because of you, for this moment, i do.... feel like a ******* idiot
i look around with watery eyes
i look down with hope i've built for us, and it disintegrates
i look in the mirror and my reflection is blurry
i read "******* idiot" when i look myself in the eyes
for the moment
my ego is hurt, and something bad happens when it is


i have to let myself go


"self"

the morning

my breath reeks

the coffee is being consumed

the day started inside of my head when i first opened my boogery eyes

this environment is different

a chance for a better represented now, alone

in the name of progression

sabrina has her cartoons on
i keep pouring my drink
my phone is off
my laptop is fully charged
these moments are being recorded
the steak is cooking
my mom is sleeping
i miss listening to her sleep when i kiss her goodnight

i wake up to the sound of nothing
i turn around and look at sabrina
i look at the ceiling and contemplate the day
i walk to the restroom, the mirror tells the outcome

i live the day, and cook for sabrina

my darling

i'll satisfy your stomach

and your mind

my darling

you're watching cartoons

i love you dearly

this moment, until my body shuts down

they tend to indulge in what uplifts their ego

i know, because i've been there

the time is spent, but not on me, but on the interests that generate creativity

the future isn't written without now

the past wasn't shaped thinking of today

the moment isn't lived in the past

their appearances seem more approachable
their words are tender
their taste in music even gets better
but that doesn't define her

their thoughts are clearer

yet, they never change

(when in doubt, they'll awaken something in the subconscious that will trigger their reaction, it's too late to respond)

their mood becomes dull
in the presence of a hollow skull
with nothing to tell but show underneathe their shirts

they don't change much

in the end, they'll become what they've always been

when the evening dies
between morning and night
looking at the sky with no light
millions of colors in the dark sky
my vision creates fractals in the dark sky

(the story of today is written when my thoughts are away)

(my boldness is just me trying to portray what I couldn't say)

i have things to do

i have things to observe
i have things to listen to
i have drinks to pour, dinners to eat
**** to grind
coffee to brew

when my time is due, know that i'm coming for you
sweet girl
i'll be coming for you

a chapter has ended//
i have found keys to door i didn't think i could have access to//
a door created only through self will and taking on the mysteries of my experience//
my room is empty, i have moved//
the days are going by like the cars passing on the highway//
like the pages being read//
like morning to afternoon, until the sun falls//
who's there to catch it?//
observing places i've never seen//
looking at people i'll never see again//
memorizing streets//
changing the sheets//
because too much friction make her cream//
laying down next to you//
thoughtless when i look in your eyes//
thoughtful when im away from your presense, it's my demise//
overthinking until i'm out of energy, sleep and there's more time to experience//
conscious this time, energy and creativity//
to make this happen//
writing observations that happen within, to formulate a new idea of "me"//

the tough times need to end//
when the madness overflows and i can't comprehend why we ever began this war getting in between our love//

for now, i'm thinking let's just be friends//
but resistance ascends and my thoughts cannot pretend that you are here for eternity inside of my head//

far from my reach//
my days become so bleak//
when it's awkward i cannot speak//

i barrier between language when havoc has reached the peak of itself//
in those moments i cannot dwell//

i'm still practicing....being in the now....

the ducks observe me while i roll a dutchie//
the wind interrupts my concentration//
i stop//
listen to the children playing out in the distant playground//
"tag, you're it"//
i begin to imagine small spaces with everything going on inside of them//
inside of this neighborhood, a world unknown to me//
a house with undocumented people//
an alley where you meet your drug dealer//
i go through a secret opening to the creek beneath a bridge//
with ease, i walk, and walk//
think about my mom, my brother, my sister, and my dad//
their actions have influenced my subconscious//
and i somehow respond to their doings, without knowing how it derives into existence//
my words will crumble on paper, my words deleted from the internet//
i will die, knowing i love a girl named sabrina//
knowing my ex girlfriend deserved more than the egocentric boy i was at 16//
my friend dakota from timberlawn mental hospital never emailed me to say he was out, i think he's dead//
i've grown out of this notion of expression//
at least, i thought i did//
but i had to step back from it, for a little//
i was traveling, stoping and observing ideas i could execute//
im making visuals filled with visions that take action and precision//
im loving til i can't//
im regretting thinking i'm scared to not give it my all//
my coffee hasn't been downed//
when i was 6 i nearly drowned//
everything around me could've changed//
denisse would've had more hope for men//
gabby could've ended her madness, but for her, thoughts always came crawling back//
i would've missed out on meeting sabrina//
sometimes i think, of the possibilites and of the probability//
something i empty my mind and sit, in the stillness of the universe//
billions of years ago, it was here, and i was nowhere to be thought of, nowhere to exist, nowhere to be//
my moments will be impacted with self-will//
my coffee is getting cold.....

*gulp

you know there's no reserves//
don't wait for the day I leave//
expect the seasons to come, i'll follow the days to our death//
freedom comes from simple reasoning//
the birds will sing to the harmony of life//
ensembles will play to the love that generates from the electromagnetic waves//
can't waste today, for the now isn't patient, it is attended whether you are here or not//
why wouldn't i be here for my own life?//
down some reason, understanding mental functions to live beyond unconscious actions//
don't worry about your thoughts that conceive inner suffering//
it's easy when you learn the controls, experience doesn't happen overnight//

sweet like
summer days//

love like
I can't betray//

gay like
a colorful parade//

brother like
my bestest mate//

patterns
i notice them in my experience
i notice
the postivies
the negatives
what drives me crazy
what i should ****
who i should care for

the things that fall out of my memory
what i should remember

what peace is

how to be aware of pain without acting

my love... for whatever happens

my hate... for nothing that doesnt make sense