Let's hang out on a whim
There's nothing left to lose
We have everything to win
I can parouse you
As you look around me

Your trembling hands and ticklish feet,
My awkward body movement and shaky voice
They somehow mesh together to meet
Miraculously finding a special kind of poise

you want to **** me like a *****
*******, that's it nothing more
buy me two drinks
watch as your ego doesn't shrink
it only gets bigger
thinking you'll be better
than my god ****** sweater
wrapped around me tight
hoping you won't bite
i'll just be watching you demise
as you hope you spread my thighs
nothing more than friends
that's how this will end
i don't want your ****
because you ******* ****.

there will be a time when
showers don't make me think of you
the way you and i would sit
the spout sticking in my spine
and your knees against mine
we would talk about our days
and what made us ****** the most
we would cover each other in bubbles
and let ourselves soak together
you'd make your crooked smile
i'd be flush as could be hiding myself from you
even though it was everything you knew
there will be a time when
i don't think of you.

i wish i had seen the day;
the one where i was over you.
my whole life since seems a play
i wish my mind would be through
especially with the thoughts of you
you come about at the deepest times
tripping on LSD
and your name is one that chimes
my friends tell me let it be
my brain tells me the same
my heart just feels ashamed
to have ever loved so much
i can't cure it with another's touch
i've tried and tried the past year
yet, i still end up in tears

let's melt together,
me and you.
we can be like that ice cream
the kind the little kids get
with sprinkles on top

Seahaven and coffee start my morning
After a short night out
Including a blunt ride and showing
Of old memories and current friends
I can't help but to look
Like I'm from the nineties
To people who were adults back then
I slip into my sky high thoughts
About how pretty the sky looks
And how wonderful my cigarettes taste
I block out the people around me but one
She recognizes this but brings me back down
Listening to 90s country
For memory's sake
We blare the radio,
Sing along to the BBQ stain song
I'm not sure what happened in between
This is the best ending I could get
Before I fell asleep
In a nineties sweater
Between three blankets and sheets
With my dog curled at my feet.

Our bodies making music in the sheets,
These are memories we need to keep.
Our whispers echo softly
Into each other's soul
Overlapping and corresponding to each beat
We make music in the sheets.

She wanted to be numb.
Like the way your skin feels after being so cold.
Like the way a cigarette felt when you've been chain-smoking.
She wanted to be alone.
The way you sit in the bubble bath.
The way you wait for the bus.
She wanted to be gone.
Like the way the moon felt from the earth.
Like the way the dead must feel.

Blistered thoughts,
Scabbed heart,
Rugged skin,
And empty eyes
These are things she hides behind.

It's cold
There's a slight breeze
A puff of smoke
Legs covered in goosebumps
Fingers trembling
A menthol taste
Small conversation in the back
With a rustle of pants fading
A splinter almost caught
Tires drive by
Alone on this bench
Is where'd I'd like to stay

Relapse.
It happens over days,
Even though it only seems like one.
There's a steady decline,
A slow moving train.
A step towards isolation,
A step away from civilization.
One missed pill,
Turns into a few.
I skipped a meeting,
Maybe two.
I scratched myself a hole in the shower.
I thought to myself I felt better.
This is the decline,
The step away from stability.
That landed me here.
Here in these grey walls,
Again.

I'm starting to forget your smile,
The way your lips would curl
Showing off your crooked teeth

I'm not holding memories
Of how your eyes lit up
Especially when I'd make you chuckle

I'm beginning to lose focus
On the way your hair felt
Intertwined in my fingers
Soft, tight curls becoming loose

I'm losing touch
With the place beside your hip bones,
The crook of your shoulder too

I'm forgetting you
I'm forgetting what it's like to love

let's get off work,
let's catch a buzz.
it's not too serious,
don't fall in love.
i need an escape,
a permanent getaway
or so they say;
i just needed a lay.
but for some ****** up reason
i want you to stay.

And
here we go again
a taste of sweet
a lust for ***
a journey down
a path already walked
we know the ending
naked bodies
touch and caress
another one night stand

The last time I was blamed by you.
The last time I cried a lot inside.
This time I was blamed by myself.
This time I screamed in my head.
Next time I'll see things weren't meant to be.
Next time - there won't be such a thing.

Caring and understanding
Both are feelings from the same zone
Only one leaves you alone
The other fills you with joy
Ones just a ****** ploy

I sat in silence
In a room full of sound
I watched the eyes of others
All of them passed me by
I was nothing to look at
I was too shy;
The girl in the corner
Didn't even want to be bothered.

I start the day with one horse pill.
Half way through
I take a small one, two.
I'll last awhile longer
Until I need to intake
A caloric amount of 450
To make that third pill work
The fourth is just the same
As the first one of the day
My fifth will come when I am ready
To make a journey to a slumber.

Scratches at the door
Laying on the floor
Awaiting her return
For she is what I now know

Lost in this space
With company of others
It's now my home
She is the only thing I know

The floorboards creak
I can hear the other dog squeak
All I really care about is when she'll return
To save me from this home I've earned.

I got myself here
So why is it so hard to get back
Back to the days without medication
Back to the days I was happy
I get myself here
Doing things I sweared I never would.
They just come back and haunt me
Wanting me to do it again
This poem is a mess
And so am I
I'm in shambles over all of this
I'm on a fine line.

That's when I felt it.
I grabbed the grocery bag.
I looked down because I felt it.
I felt it on my ring finger.
I felt the thick banded symbol.
I felt it on my ring finger,
Even if it was only a second.
It was a second that lasted long.
Longer than the last time I looked into your eyes.
That was all I could see,
Those blue eyes staring back at me.
The same ones that have been washed away.
Away with all of our memories.
I felt them all right there,
At that moment,
I felt everything you'd ever meant to me.
Then the bag moved,
The plastic slipped away,
Just like we have into new worlds.

that last morning
was one of the best
your head slightly rest
upon my naked chest
your curls in my fingers
your scent still lingered
our love made so sweetly
destroying your current love
i left you in mourning
your decisions to destroy me
with your decision to break her
that was our last morning

laying with my head at your feet
i think of things
and the way we meet
i think of things
and wonder of all your stories
i wish i knew who you were
you'd be more than simple company
i think of things that could have possibly
brought you there to here

In this bed of slumber
All I think of is the ******
What life's course left me with
Something so unseen.
Something that I need.
This place of mine is contradictory.
Full of the intended okays..
Filled with unintentional should haves..
It's something I see daily
Yet I deal with it so fragilely

Always fine,
Maybe I'm blind
One drink too many
Captain was poured short
Always fine
Maybe I'm blind
Four pills
They shake it all down
Maybe I'm blind
Maybe I'm always fine.

one of a kind
all the same
i detach like a leaf from a branch
i slowly fall with the help of gusts
however i still end up on the same destination
as the leaves that fell before me
i just had a different path
one that was windy
and happened on a rainy day

I don't want to come off depressed
However that's what this is nonetheless
I lay in bed
And I lay on couches
I think about how there's places better than this
I think about how I'm tired of the circles I've been running since April.
This is what September brings.
Thoughts of irrational things
Thoughts of harm
Definitely thoughts of death
It'd be this month that this depression overtakes me.
It'd be this month, the ninth one, to teach myself a lesson.
Depression is more than this.
It's when words make you cry
     Though I did
It's when a person's touch makes you tremble
    Which it did
It's when you're in denial
      Which I am
It's when you can't be alone for fear of self
       Here I am
       Scared to death
That's what September is.

I'll write about the girl who looked elegantly out of the beat up car's window. She has flash that has turned porcelain. She had a mind more brilliant than others. The porcelain girl has courage like her flesh version didn't. The porcelain girl is here in place of the felsh. The girl in flesh is laid elegantly under the trees she watched pass by.

she sat alone
with coffee on her breath
looking at her phone
finding the hairs
that you left two nights ago
reminding her
life doesn't have to be so lonely
even after you are realizing
that your own best friend
is someone you no longer know

drowsy bedroom eyes
they're wanting to sleep
by they'd rather look at you
striving for the moment to stay

curled up in your bed
listening to you speak
listening to the silence
the good kind, though

staring at your bedroom blue eyes
thinking in peace
and hopefully knowing
you're mine to keep

curled next to you in my bed
is what i'd rather do
instead of lay in bed alone
thinking of things unknown
at least i'd get some rest
knowing that i'm lying next to the best
even if i couldn't
you'd try to sing me to sleep
with your voice i'd love to keep

trampling over weathered grounds
along the way that's where I'll be found
beaten, bruised, and criticized
yet when you see me I'll be fine

something so simple
is what this seems to be
i'd like to write about it
but i'm not angry with thee
in fact i'm quite content
sitting in this chair
knowing how you care
hoping you still have things to share
i'm safely taking caution
to not go off the deep end
staying safe with you on dry land
seems the best option
at least for now, you see
i don't want this to end
end at all, or dramatically
i'd like us to keep dancing
and keep it all so simple
but there's a problem i find
getting lost in those blue eyes
i've never met any of your kind
i'm slowly sinking into you
you are so appealing
as human being
you're nothing i've ever seen
that there frightens me
afraid i'll fall into a slumber
and you'll leave and i'll be a ******

I'll dance with you so freely
Never like I have before
Being beside you is easy
You have a presence that touches my core
In some ways I've felt this before
With you though it's better
Better than the rest
Most possibly the best
I've never had something like this
Someone I can say how I feel
And dance like no one is watching
I think I might be falling

We danced to a song
A song we both thought beautiful
Beautiful, like your eyes
Eyes that were blue
I gazed at them
As you spun me around casually
And we thought the neighbors might think
That we were crazy
Crazy we may be
Being with you, though
It's just as beautiful as that song

I'm just scribbling lines now
Something to occupy my mind
The thoughts that are fowl
They somehow disappear
And there's things I find
When I'm in there

I'd be stuck at the bottom
Waiting for you to show the way
When it was in my control all along
I'm no longer there
I'm in a higher place
I have a smile on my face
Something you will never see
Something I never want you to see

nine or ten pills a day
make the best part go away
how does one live a life so dull
when it once used to be full
UPS and downs
broken faces, empty bottles
bed ridden weeks
that were filled with no motivation
but I wish I could keep
some parts of me

waking up to a call
still distant in my dreams
the only thing I felt
was your arm around my waist
stuck on the phone -
listening to someone else's moans
out of respect and familiar bones
listen because I care
and there no longer
another person there
they're in a pinch
and I'm here to help
I'm now their only source
because no one has really felt
the things they've been through
besides me outside of my dreams

I've got concerns
Ranging from head to toe
But mostly they're about you
I'm not quite sure
But your selfishness
Hasn't worn off on me
It hasn't even affected
How I really think of you
I've got concerns
That are no longer mine
You'll be just fine
And I'm making my own way
Just like I had been
The whole four years prior
I still turned out okay
I've just got one last concern
That involves things deeper
Than the indent on this paper
So it doesn't really matter to you
You still won't understand
That's no longer your concern
I'll be just fine
I'm still making my way
Just like I had been
The whole four years prior
I am turning out okay

I'm driving places I've never been
And I'm not talking of sins
I'm talking the chemicals in my brain
The ones that make me feel sane

I'd like to run away
Find a new place
Watch my worries wash away
In a sea of grace
If only I could find
A way to calm my mind
I could figure out the place
Without having this chase
This chase for words
To say to you
When I'm just so astray
When every word is a glass shard
Trying to take all my pain away

Ferris wheels
Round and round
Rock away
The loud sounds
At the top
Where I sit
It all seems so calm
Nothing could matter a bit

Trembling hands
Shaking feet
There's a fine line
That's where they meet
Like a cold winter day
Mixed with July heat
My heart sinks
Knowing what I think
And wondering what they might
I just know I'm tired of this fight

I guess it's true what they say
Waiting for the day
The one where the rains away
The skies are no longer grey
The sun shining
And the birds flying
I'd rather be stuck there
Than be here
In a state of fear
A fear of myself
A scare to myself
I wish I could feel the way I felt
On top of the world
I was there at some point
But I'm here curled
Wanting to burrow
Just like a bear in winter
If only that made me feel better

Lined paper is where
my mind feels Free.
For some it's textured
with flakes and graphite,
instead of my blue black ink

My mind feels Free
to let it all out with ease
between these dotted lines.
Others find melancholy in melodic breaks
along with a strong bass line to a song

Either way,
We're all the same
We crave creativity
to let us be Free

Everything is how it should be
My writings been sparse
My thoughts not so much
My hairs turned coarse
My wardrobe hasn't been clutch
I can't find the time between
Hardship and anxiety
To let you get the best of me
But here I am
Crying over coffee
Because you decided it wasn't me

its that special time between
the winter and autumn
when its sometimes snowing
and there’s no sunshine
to come leaking through
the clouds are thick at this time

Trembling hands
Hands turn to ice
There's ice in bones
Present in my bones
But not in my heart
In my heart I try to find hope
Hope of tomorrow and
Hope for the future
The future without so many crutches
Crutches that I need now
Now is when I wish
I wasn't born into this

its days like these
i wish my life was an ease

do i only make it harder
harder on myself
allowing all thoughts
to stutter through my day

its days like these
that every thing goes wrong

do i only see it that way
that every thing ruins my day
when nothing has tremendously gone wrong

its days like these
i wish i could easily take a walk
to make all the racing thoughts stop

do i only let them continue
letting the brain’s juice stew