If you looked into my eyes,
What would you see?
Would you see the growing sadness
That I've hidden for so long?
Would you see the tears
That I choke back everyday?
If you looked deeply enough,
Would you see the ******* pain
That consumes my very soul?
Would you see just how
******* hard it is
For me to go through every day
As if nothing was wrong?
Just look into my eyes,
Truly look and tell me,
What do you see?

I am making you unhappy,
Am I not?
Every thought of me
Brings you down.
Every word,
Every “I love you”,
Saddens you.
Because I am not there
With you,
To hold you in my arms.
It hurts you.
I know it does.
So don’t tell me it’s not me,
That makes you unhappy.
‘Cause I know I do.

It's raining,
A downpour of
All the little things
That are stealing
Away my sanity.

Destroy the monsters
that call your mind home
no longer allow them
shelter within your bones
let yourself free
from the demons inside
you'll never find happiness
or the light otherwise

I want to be immune
To the song that lures
Me to you.
The sensuous pull
That has me wanting,
Needing,
To be in your grasp,
Your hands tangled
In my hair,
Your teeth to my skin.
I want to be immune
To the hunger I feel
For your kiss,
The ache I feel
For your touch.
Because I need you,
So much it hurts.

Imagine wanting to say something,
Having so much to say,
But nothing will come out.
You're trapped in your own mind.
It's as if you have stage fright,
And the whole world is a stage,
And you can't speak the lines
That you've rehearsed
Over and over, countless times.

Imagine people telling you
To stop being shy, to talk,
But they don't understand
How real this fear is.

What if you say the wrong things?
What if no one likes you?
Feeling as if they think you're weird,
That they don't want to talk to you.
And it's those fears that trap the words,
Trap all the things you have to say.
It's not easy, it's terrifying.
And no one seems to get it,
This is not just shyness,
This is not antisocial,
It's anxiety, it's a phobia.
And it hurts.

I am only a quiet whisper,
    A hushed sigh,
        Barely audible
To those who don’t care.

I am only a silent scream,
    A cry for help
        Gone unheard
In the darkness of the night.

I am only broken loneliness,
    Faint sadness,
        Unseen tears,
*I’m only waiting to be noticed.

Every night
She read the stars
As if they were words
Writ across the sky.

She found peace
Within the constellations,
Put together
With such care.

It's as if they were poetry
So bright against
The dark night sky
Waiting to be loved.

And she loved those stars
The stretching sky
From where she lay
Upon her mossy bed

So far away yet so very near
They brought her hope
That she belonged
Somewhere in that sky

I don't need you to save my life,
I just want something beautiful
To make me feel alive.

But if you were to be at my side
To help me through the days,
You know I wouldn't mind.

The moon shines over the forest,
Lighting the paths for us.
It’s quiet and calm, as here I rest,
Peacefully in my den.


In the peace, I faithfully wait,
As my pups run about, playing.
Soon he’ll be home, their father, my mate.
With game for us to eat.


In the distance I hear a howl,
In excitement, I reply.
Gunshots fire, I hear a growl.
I stiffen and fill with fear.


I gather my pups, hide them in the den.
I whimper at them to stay,
In the den, remaining hidden.
Then I sprint towards my mate.


I hear him whimper, I hear him cry.
I feel my heart break.
They hurt him, they did, but why?
He only wanted to feed his family.


I smell gunpowder and the blood,
I am quickly nearing them.
I silently run through the mud,
I can hear his laboured breath.


The man with the gun walks up to him
I pounce in between before I think.
I growl and snarl, I try to scare him.
He just laughs away.


He lifts up his gun, and points at me,
Then I hear a screamed, “No!”
Into the clearing runs a girl of eighteen,
Pushes the man and takes the gun.


She points the weapon at the man,
Yells to get off her property,
And to never near a wolf again.
A shot, then the man takes off.


She approaches us carefully and
Calls her friend to bring First Aid.
I step aside as my mate tries to stand.
She soothes him back down.


This girl is different, I can feel.
I can’t help but trust her.
Next to me, she does kneel.
Stopping my mate from bleeding.


We waited a while for her friend,
And as we waited she comforted me.
“He’ll be okay, this is not his end.
I will make him better.”


Into the clearing, comes a young man,
Not much older than her.
With a white box in his hand,
He walks over to us.


She takes the box, removes its contents,
And they start working away.
Over my love’s body, they are bent,
Cleaning away the blood.


She calmly whispers to me,
“Go to you den, your  cubs are waiting,
Your mate is safe with me.”
I hesitate but I run to my pups.


My pups whine and whimper,
And it feels like forever later,
I hear the girl’s voice, barely a whisper,
“It’s okay, boy. We’re almost there.”


She comes to the den,
With my mate close behind.
I leave the den and greet them.
My mate is back, he’s okay.


The girl and the boy
Come every so often,
They take care of my love,
They make sure we’re okay.


I wish there were more people like this,
To make sure that we aren’t massacred off.
To protect us when we can’t protect our self.
To make people see we’re not bad at all.

It doesn't matter how many times
I manage to break or fall apart
With the pieces of me that shatter on the ground,
Put back together and repaired with gold
This lovely mess that makes up me
Is the only me I'll ever want to be.

I can feel your sadness
It courses through my veins
I feel it burning, aching,
Yet hoping away the pain

I can feel your tears
Flowing vicariously through mine
Rolling silently down my cheek
Settling on my lips, like wine

I can taste your pain
Bitterness upon my tongue
Numbing poison; breathing it in
Settling inside my lung

I could take the hurt away
I could make you feel whole
Just please let me back in
Allow me back into your soul

Wouldn't it be amazing
If we could just
"Right click -> delete"
The feelings we have
That are bringing us down?
Oh, the heartache
That could be spared.

The yelling starts again, the insults get worse.
The depression is back, the pain, it hurts.
I try so hard to be an ideal daughter.
I’ll never be good enough, it just doesn‘t matter.
Don’t they see all the scars, all the pain?
They do this to me, they make me hurt again.
The thoughts of death and darkness are back,
Of happiness and love, my mind does lack.
I’ll never escape the depression, it seems.
I’ll never escape this hell, though only in my dreams.
I need to be saved from myself once again.
All of this hurt is driving me insane.
I want to escape this hell I call home,
I want to escape feeling so alone.
But it’ll never happen, this I feel is true.
All the words that they say, they cannot undo.
I cannot live like this anymore,
The pain I feel is unlike before.
I just need to escape, I need to get out.
I will escape, I will get myself out.

I lied today,
As I do every day.
I can’t help it.
I don’t mean to,
It just happens.
It’s become natural to me.

“How are you today?”
They’ll ask me.
“Well, I’m great.”
I’ll reply with a smile.

It’s that smile.
It fools everyone.
It hides my emotions,
The ones I really feel.

No one seems to see past that smile.

You have sparked a flame
Within my soul
That has no hope
Of being extinguished

Only to break me down
And tear apart my heart

And even despite
The pain within,
Why does my soul
Cry out for you still?

To be honest,
I spend my days
Just thinking of you.
You occupy my mind,
Making it hard to
Concentrate on
Anything else.

March 13, 2009

The sun, it shines down on me with rays of warmth.
My heart thawing out of it’s icy sleep.
I’m overcome with a new happiness.
A feeling almost forgotten,
Buried deep within my broken heart.
And though the enemy sits a mere thirty feet away,
There’s nothing that they can say to bring me down
This time.

The darkness that filled my life, so fragile,
Now lifted  off my shoulders at last.
His soul, given to me as a token of his love.
A treasure so fragile only my hands can hold it.
The scent of his skin still lingers on me,
Something that will never be forgotten.
A gentle touch, and then I’m set free
Of everything so vile to me.
And I’m free.


March 14, 2009

Unwelcome as I feel, here I stay, still.
No one to protect me,
I’m left here on my own.
Enemies all around me,
With their looks of pure evil.
Once providing me with friendship,
Now killing me so slowly.


March 20, 2009

Inside my mind is where I stay,
Safe from all that is.
Away from the world,
I hide here, and worry, I will not.
As long as I am here,
Inside my mind, a safe sanctuary,
Free from doubt and all pain.
My imagination is the only place
I want to be,
So I don’t feel the pain any more.


March 24, 2009

Unexpectedly, a dagger pierces me,
Destroying the temporary happiness I felt.
Now I lay here, my heart bleeding,
With tears running down my face.
I thought it was all over.
But it’s not.
So I’ll die emotionally,
Where no one can find me and save me.
It’s too late now.


May 13, 2009

Another year older,
And still the darkness is inside me.
Another year has passed,
With the depression slowly killing me.
The dawn has passed
With another sleepless night.
So I’ll slowly fall into this land of nightmares,
Where no one can save me from myself.
My soul has been taken,
There’s nothing I can do now.

May 14, 2009

There’s something about him,
Something so angelic
Yet so sinister in a way.
He’s been there in my dreams.
And never ceased to let me down.
I don’t know why,
I don’t think I ever will,
But I want him.
I need him.
I can’t live with out him.
For he holds the key to my heart.
He has my soul,
And forever,
He will.


May 16, 2009

The wind blows through my hair,
And I’m free.
Free of doubt,
Free of worry,
Free of everything that brought me down.
I finally see the beauty in the world.
The peace that never seemed to consume me,
Now has taken over.
And, alas, I am happy,
Even for a moment so brief.
But who am I to care,
As long as I feel it’s serenity.
It’s beautiful, this feeling.
I cannot explain,
For it is more than happiness.


June 7, 2009

I hate life.
When will I wake up from this nightmare.
It seems like every where I go,
I’m tormented.


September 27, 2009

I went to my place at the rocks.
The only place where I can be at peace.
There’s no one around,
The way I like it.

It’s funny how I just look at the ground,
In the middle of a clover field,
And I find a four leafed clover.
Then there’s people who have looked and looked
And have never found one.
It makes me think. Am I lucky?
Are these four leafed clovers lucky?

The sun is warm, shining down on me,
But the wind is cool.
I feel alive, and nothing can bring me down.
As long as I am in this sacred little place
That fills my body with peace.

I was angry before got here.
Sick of my friends and family hurting me.
But the moment I get here,
I’m overwhelmed with serenity,
And I’m free.
Free like the waves crashing on the rocks.
Free like the wind blowing through my hair.
Free like the majestic wolf I am to be.


September, 30, 2009

A true friend, I have realized, is a rare treasure.
Something that once found (if ever),
Should  be held on to.
I’ve had best friends come and go.
But there is one of whom I truly miss,
Despite the fact that she hurt me,
Not once, but twice.
I usually know better
Than to hold onto something like that,
But I can’t help it.
I still love her as if she were my sister.
I may never want to see her again.
I may hate her for lying,
But I will never forget her.

A year ago
I was an empty shell
Of the girl I used to be
Floating through life
With no ambitions
No hopes, no dreams.
Always looking down
Instead of at the world.
I was a wreck
With a messy heart
That couldn't be at ease.
Before I knew you,
I wasn't the happy
Bright person I am now
But you came into my life
Found me in the dark
As I was trying to climb
Out of the pit
That I had spiralled into
We slowly progressed
And I began to see the stars,
See the light in the dark again.
I made it a mission
To climb out of that pit
To feel the light - your warmth-
On my skin
Before I knew you,
I didn't know my worth
But now, I'm beginning to

My mind is like a hurricane
       A raging storm
And in the centre,
In the eye of the storm
          There is calm
              There is you

I'd like to go for a drive
Leave this place behind for a while
Taking to the path beyond
Watching as every unfamiliar road
Passes me by
One…
   By one..
      By one…
Finding myself in unknown towns
In far away places
Satisfying this desire
To be anywhere else but here
I want to just…
        Go...
Until I find the place where my heart longs to be

Hearts break in so many different ways
For so many different reasons
Like mine broke when you denied me the love
That I needed and I craved
And yours broke when I found that love
Somewhere else.

It's silent,
All except for the soft breeze.
The world is still,
Quiet, peaceful.
I lay in the meadow,
Drifting,
Falling into dreams.
The long grass brushes my cheek,
As the breeze blows,
Gently,
Quietly through the blades.
Through the silence, mice scurry,
Hiding in the grass,
Going to their nests.
A rabbit nearby grazes,
Silently, peacefully.
A sly fox sneaks by,
Barely noticing me.
It's beautiful.
The serenity is nice.
I'm happy,
Close to nature.
Welcomed,
I am welcomed here.
I am home.

Love me
When I laugh and smile
And my heart shines bright and hopeful

Love me
Even in my darkest days
When the light struggles to filter in

Love me
When the fire in my eyes
Burns and dances in the light

Love me
Even when the flame burns low
Fading out into the dark

Love me
During my happiest days
When things are going good

But love me still
When I'm hard to Love
Because that's when I need it most.

My dearest daughter
My lovely Faye,
Oh, how your smile
Lights up my day.
Ten perfect fingers
And ten perfect toes.
And your daddy says
You have mommy's nose!

I'm so tired, so ******* tired
Of feeling trapped within these walls
Of this house that is supposed to be my home
Like in a box with no air holes, I am suffocating.
Looking at the same things, day in, day out
Nothing's changed, there's nothing new
Just the same walls that hold me prisoner
And if I could just leave, I would be gone
So far away from here, free at last
But, no, it's not that simple.
Though I wish it were as easy
As saying the words
"I'm leaving"

I died today,
But nobody noticed.
It happened so slowly,
The pain was unbearable.
And then it was over,
I died.

*But nobody noticed
They only see the smile.

I hope to one day rid you
Of the darkness that has
Plagued your life
Be the light that leads you
To the end of the tunnel

When I fade into daydreams,
Please leave me be.
I'm happy here,
While I may not be there.
I need an escape,
And where better than my dreams?
Where my stories come to life,
And my demons are pushed aside.
Where vampires are real,
And faeries are my friends.
I just need a break from reality,
As would anyone else.
So just leave me be.

"Just do it!"
"There's no other way out!"
The voices cry.
"It won't get better!"
They get louder.
They won't leave her alone,
Won't get out of her mind.
"No one will care!"
The voices yell.
She can't handle it any more.
"I'm not okay, I'm not okay!"
Her screams don't come.
The tears are falling.
Her heart is breaking.
No one can save her
From her biggest enemy,
Herself.

Flight
When things get tough
My first instinct is to run.
Run away for a while,
Because I am weak.
I can't handle the life I was given
Or the cards that were played.
Fight
My mind is not calm,
And my temper is short.
I have this tendancy of blowing up
When I just need to take a breath.
Terrible wife, imperfect mother,
Is there anything I'm good at?
I'm hardly adequate.

The hardest part about all of this
Was telling my heart to not get carried away.
But it was hard to not fall in love
When your arms felt like like home
And your presence offered comfort.
I tried, and so did you, to stay composed
And fight the feelings that slowly built.
Here we are, and it scares me so,
To have given myself to you.

You left me
Alone on the side of a road.
I don't know
Where I am or what I did.
I gave you my love,
I trusted you.
But you left me
Alone on the side of a road.

I'm hungry,
I have no food or water.
The cars speed
Past me, not acknowledging me.
I'm scared and cold.
I want to go home.
But you left me
Alone on the side of the road.

I'm weak.
I feel I won't make it.
So I lay
In a box on the side of the road.
My stomach growls,
I'm starving now.
I cry to myself, someone help.

The rain pours,
And I weakly cry out.
Save me,
I did nothing wrong.
A car slows,
They pull over,
They saw me, they want to help.

I'm saved,
I lick them, wagging my tail,
Though I'm weak.
But I'm so happy to be warm.
They take me home,
They give me food,
They saved me just in time.

I'm happy,
I'm no longer alone.
I have a home,
And they love me more then my past owner.
I am part of their family,
And I'm happy,
I'm no longer on the side of the road.

I fell for you
The same way snow flakes
Fell to the ground,
Slowly and softly.
And how they melted into the earth,
Like I melted beneath
Your touch

I run through the forest,
Wind blowing through my fur.
The leaves barely crunching
Beneath my paws.
I stop at my den, my mate
Waiting patiently,
And I hear a distant howl.
I throw my head back
And I begin to howl,
And we sing in harmony
Of a world of which
We would be safe from
The terror of humans.

I'm gonna be a mommy!
Oh, the shock that I was in.
But I soon warmed up to the idea,
Of the life that I held within.

Now I cannot wait to hold you,
To hug you or hear your cry.
February, hurry up!
So I can meet my little girl or guy. <3

I know you want to include me when you socialize with your friends.
And I know you feel bad when you leave me to the side.
I see the way you are with your friends,
How happy you are to talk and joke and just be around them.
And I encourage you to get out more.
But you won't just leave me behind.
I keep you from enjoying yourself, despite you telling me otherwise.
You can't hide that from me.
I watch you, believe it or not, and I see that I'm holding you back.
But I want you to know that I'll be okay, off by myself.
You have another life outside of me that doesn't need to be shared.
We may live as one, as a team, but we're still two separate people.
I'm fine all by myself with  book to read, or a movie to watch.
I enjoy getting lost within my own little world
Or doing things on my own.
I've never been good at being around people,
My sick mind holds me back from enjoying myself with them.
I've come to accept that this is who I am.
And it's far from who you are.
Don't worry about me when I tell you to do things for yourself,
Because nothing would make me happier than to see my partner enjoying himself.
Don't sacrifice your life for me.

Today, I feel extra heavy,
Each movement, taking more effort than normal.
My mind is feeling clouded,
A dense fog settling in every crevasse.
Today, I am tired.
Not the I-didn't-get-enough-sleep kind of tired,
But an exhaustion of the mind and body.
To describe how I feel, only two words come to mind,
"Chemical imbalance"
Two words that tell me that how I feel isn't real
It's only the result of my brain feeling sick.
But what if I'm truly just sad?
What if everything I feel is real?
The thing about what ifs is that they're sad
They're depressing.
Thinking of the things that could be,
What if things could be happier,
Or what if things could be worse.
And what if the thing wrong with my brain
Is just sadness, pure and simple.
Sadness could be fixed,
Sadness doesn't need medication.
But sadness could last forever.
A soul stuck in a world that it doesn't belong,
A place where it was never meant to be.
That's how I feel.
I don't belong.
I never belonged.
I am missing a part of me,
The part that fills the dark hole in my chest.
A hole that reminds me of loneliness,
No matter what, it'll always be there.
And maybe that's the cause of this
Chemical imbalance
The possible ****** up part of my brain.
The flaw that can be fixed with drugs.
The flaw that is my mind.
Maybe I'll be okay
But then maybe I won't.

What am I to do,
When you throw your words my way?
The opinions on my life,
That I never asked for?
What am I to do,
When you judge me as you do?
When I can"t even defend myself,
Because I am choked by my fear?
I do have things to say,
When you try to bring me down!
The words are trapped by my anxieties.
So listen as I tell you
To just leave me be.
I can't stand the things you say!

What's it like to be in love when plagued with a mind like mine?
When waking up each day is like walking into fire
And each breath I breathe is such a struggle?
It's difficult, that's for sure, when you're heart knows the truth
But your brain tells you these awful things.
"He doesn't really love you, ya know,
He's just using you to pass the time, the lonely nights"
No, no, no, that's simply not true! He loves me, he tells me all the time
Maybe… maybe he's just telling me what I want to hear,
Maybe… he means none of the words he says…
No! He means it all, every "I love you", everything.
Don't listen to the little voice that hides inside your head!
It's a lying coward who only wants to hurt you.
But it's not that easy! Trying to ignore that voice.
The insecurities arise no matter what,
And ruin the happiness I've finally found.
Why can't I love another and be loved back
Without these thoughts that go through my head?
Why can't I continue feeling the way I do when I talk to him?
When I hear him, when I look at him, when I see him.
..My god, he is perfect, he makes me happy, so ******* happy..
So, please, just leave my mind alone, please just let my heart be right…
But then it passes, those thoughts and insecurities
But for how long will they be gone? For good this time?
I love him, I don't doubt his love for me
He's the sun and the stars within my skies,
The colours that wash shades of grey from my life
And to lose another, to lose him, because of my illness,
My god, I could not handle the pain that would come
Please, mind, clear yourself, leave me be, let me be happy
Let me love this man, for he completes me
And he feels oh-so right... don't cause me to lose him, too.

Sometimes I'm sad,
Oh, so sad,
For no particular reason.
My mood just drops,
And then I cry.
The tears will flow
With no end in sight.
But then they do
And I feel better again.

I'm as free as the great lake
Confined by the land
Crashing and flowing
Against the shores
Until it empties into the ocean
The way I seep through my walls
And slowly discover true freedom

Inhale.
Exhale.
You're doing better than you think you are.
The break downs are few and far.
Inhale.
Exhale.
This is just an episode that will pass you by.
You won't be stuck here, you'll be out in no time.
Inhale.
Exhale.
You'll be fine, you'll be okay.
The thoughts are lies, don't believe what they say.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Just breathe and hold on tight.
It'll all go away, it'll be alright.

Oftentimes I don't understand
The things that are going through my mind
Or the words that come out of my mouth
And sometimes I'm just completely blind
To the things that I do, the actions I choose
And the hurt I inflict on those I love.
And in my heart of hearts, in my deepest depths
I don't mean any of the negative things in my head.
These actions, and words, and thoughts of mine
They always end up hurting me, destroying me.
I want it all to be erased, to have a clear, calm mind
And when it happens, my happiness will be my greatest achievement

I'm getting cold
And I'm not talking the physical cold
Not like the cold you feel when there's an absence of warmth
I'm talking a coldness that starts at the base of my skull
That spreads through my body and my brain
It's the kind of cold that brings a feeling of despair and empitness.
No amount of blankets or warm fires or even hot coffees
Can warm me from the dead winter inside my mind

These words are floating
In my mind, ready to be
Written on this page.

Why don't the words flow,
As they once did?
Flow from my heart,
Flow onto this page.
Where did they go?
Are they hiding deep within?
The words are not coming,
Not coming to bring relief.
My emotions, my feelings,
They stay deep within.
They make my heart ache,
They won't bring release.