5 years ago I wrote a poem with the exact title
desperate and hopeless
losing myself and I really don't know who I am

Some years I tried to seek the truth
about why am I like this
what happened to me
where did it go wrong
when did it happened
and who am I?

I seek proper medication
proper healing
burned a whole money bucks
but it worth it

with hundred things to avoid
thousand things to be lessen
some prescription things to be taken

now, today, may 18th
I got to feel the most normal birthday ever
I found her, vividly I saw her
in blue, grey, red, orange, and every dawn
in every scenery
I found her, happy
but maybe still feel a little pain
but at least she could control what she couldn't before
I lover her before
and I lover her after
I love you

it ain't easy

two lessons that I got
to reach out whenever you feel sad
and to be happy in secretive

Jakarta, 18 May 2022.

semua orang tersenyum
    semua orang bahagia
    itu yang nampak

    ketika langit gelap
    bintang bertaburan
    sepi sendiri

    semua orang menangis
    semua orang bersedih
    itu yang sesungguhnya

ini sudah malam
matahari sudah tidak nampak
jalanan sudah sepi
burung pun kembali ke sarangnya

ini sudah larut
aku sudah berada di kasurku
kamu pun juga di kasurmu
diantara kita, masih sama-sama diam

aku sudah lelah
setelah menunggumu semalaman
sampai hatiku merintih menyesal
tapi tak ada lagi sapaan darimu malam ini

aku terlelap
setelah semalaman menangis
menyesal, kenapa aku tidak memaafkanmu
menyesal, kenapa aku tidak memintamu kembali

kalau bulan bisa memberi tahu
harusnya aku yang memulai
-
namun malam ini aku diam
kamu pun, diam

hey
i hope you're in good shape
i really hope so

it's been 23 months
i was not sure how many gallons of tear
i've been drowned by
i was not....
sure

i just...



it's been to long







i completely forget what you look like
and i am happy about that

but the fact that i couldn't erase everything related to you
from my mind
i despise that



midnight struck,
i decide to write
and i don't have enough love story
to be written

my dull brain just decided to remember
sometime in 2018
and you


oh dear,
oh dear....


how are you t?
help me from tearing myself away
by being gone forever from my mind
can you?


....

terjebak dalam difraksi momen
menatap segala hirauanmu
yang kuanggap sebuah petuah

aku berdiri dalam kesunyian
diacuhkan dalam situasi
yang kuharap segera berlalu

teruntuk kamu yang harumnya sudah hilang dari sisiku
yang jalannya sudah bukan aku yang mendampingi
yang tidurnya sudah bukan aku yang dimimpikan

tuan, apakah kamu pernah sesekali memikirkanku setelah sejenak pergi?
aku letih mencari sendiri jawaban dari semua pertanyaan
aku letih mencari kesalahanku dari semua amarahmu

untuk satu senja di bulan desember
selamat menikmati purnaku dalam bayanganmu

Apa kabar, Tuan?

                           Lama tak beradu tatap.

Bagaimana kehidupanmu tanpaku?
Sepi,
        senang
atau
                                         lebih dari tenang.

Kenang memori kita, Puan bersedih.



      Puan tahu diluar kehendaknya untuk memohon kembali kepadamu.
      Namun tiap malam Puan meraung sepi, terisak sesak. Puan menyerah namun Puan tak bisa melepaskan.







Puan hanya ingin berbicara barang lima detak,
Puan ingin Tuan tahu,
Tuan masih bertahta di hati Puan.

Jadi kemaren gue rencananya kaya bikin puisi atau apalah gitu kan sebelum ganti tahun. tapi gue ketiduran. terus gue kaya pas bangun tuh gak nyesel amat sih tapi kaya ada satu beban aja gitu kalau belom post apa-apa disini. Jadi gue post aja deh first impression gue buat orang-orang yang aku sayang hehehe.
tapi karena maleaes, kapan-kapan aja deh bye.

my depression comes back from a long nice vacation.
welcome back *******!

Dear ignorant people
I am free
my depression vanishes nto thin airs
my depression doesn't want to come back for a millisecond
my depression is afraid of my positive spirit

Bye.

lol i survive
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you!

We are not dating
and
I don't like you.
You are one of my friends, and I love you as friend.

I saw your brown eyes in many ways:
when they're blue, I set your mood to red.
Setting fire so we could burn the whole blue horizon.

When they're grey, I laughed a lil bit because your idea of everything.
Listening to our dream and dancing till the day comes.

When they're brown, we went to our own world.
You were the king and i was the queen, ruling our kingdom and executing our sadness.

man, those were the days we looked at each others and said some *******.

then, the day came and we took different paths.

soon, I'll see you sit beside me, cheering the moment from our thrones.

As friend.

Tick tock
The clock ticking, your heart aching
Knock​ knock
The time has arrived, your soul shaking
Dig dug
Heart beating faster than before
Klak klak
Eyes looking at beautiful creature
Snap snap
You lower your body, I'm confused
Will you?
Words come out from your mouth
I do
I say, crying.

After a desperate night and thoughtful day I decided to re-write several facts about my crush!

First of all, chill. I know my crush won't see this because of lack signal or lack of love idk. Both reasons are acceptable.

Here, several unworthy facts about my crush that you ****** hoomans gave no **** about:
1. He is taller than me. Like 15-20 cm taller. I'm not talking about gigantic monster and won't date one, but if I have to date one it's okay lol. I have friend that tall like Eiffel tower and big as **** and tbh I'm afraid of him. I'm sorry bro you remind me of troll even though you're fine. Ehe.
I agree that tall guys are hot, but with my body like smurf and boy like troll can't even imagine what our future be like if we were together. So, bye bye Eiffel tower.
Anyway I'm 155cm so he'll be like 170-175 cm.
And I just realized that he is tall too ***.

2. He is deadass Einstein with attitude like Hannah Baker. He is-in fact-weirdest mothafaka I've ever met. One day he'll be like 'oh I'll invent flying shoes' and one day he'll be like 'do you guys see my motivation to live?'.

3. He is innocent. Nuff said.

3.5. His phone is the most private phone I've ever seen. One day I was too curious to know what's​ hidden in his phone and deadass found nothing. I think it's normal for boy to have porns or naked women etc and expected to found at least one and ya I found nothing.
((Found picture of me though))

3.51. His browser history is clean.

4. He loves anime tittiez.

5. We love to spoil each other

6. I ONCE ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED HIS ***-*** **** IT. Not disappointed TEEHEE.

7. Same thing happened to me. He accidentally touched my boo-boo. He didn't recognize tho. But there I was standing still, stiff, wanted to die.

8. He is afraid of God. Sins ain't myth, sins are real.

9. He didn't know Lana del Rey.
D I S S A P O I N T E D.
Soon boi, I'll let you go deep in my world and meet my astral mama.

10. He isn't a fan of Paramore. Super disappointed :).

11. He lives far away from me.

Last,

12. He is one of the finest art God ever made and I love him to death.

Boi, i think i have to end this unworthy facts about you.
I'm afraid.



to cry.






I thought after I wrote this I'll be laughing or smiling etc.
But.....




e//
In the end,
I love you.

You'll find someone better than me smh.
Don't choose me.
Ehehegeheheheheheh.
I've got several more reasons to love you and some of it
Hurts me
So this is the end.
You'll always be my number one boy'friend.

I WROTE 6 PARAGRAPHS OF MY LOVE LIFE AND HELLOPOETRY DELETED IT.
Well it wasn't saved to draft by hellopoetry (accidentally or whatsoever) and it's not fully their fault. It's okay im suicidal human being it's all my fault it's okay.

Ramadhan, holy month for muslim
and we lost so many holy souls

All of my poems are not about you.
Chill

Yogyakarta, 18 May 2017.
I lay in my be
my minds wandering around starbucks somewhere somehow.
I picture you come to my table, half run half walk "sorry, my flight was delayed for an hour."
You sat and took my right hand, look at my eyes deeply-even though i was looking at my cup of coffee​, sometime stared at you for couple times-then start to kiss my right hand like it was your precious thing.
It was, for you.
"It's alright" you stopped kissing my hand.
I know you were going to say how much you love me, wanting to say sorry for zillion times and...
Then i stop picturing us together.
It's my birthday, you know it.
Isn't it great when you say a simple 'happy birthday'?
It's simple, but beautiful and make me happy.
Make me want to continue my life.
Make me want to throw away my pain, my knife, my worst feelings.
It's my birthday, everybody knows it.
They wished me all the best and **** and **** and ****.
And you, i know you read my ****** poems.
please, im begging you, love,
Wish from you is all i need right now.

Kenapa-
Tuhan menakdirkan aku dan kamu
tetapi Ia juga menciptakan jarak diantara kita?

Kenapa-
Tuhan menakdirkan aku dan kamu
tetapi Ia juga menanam ego yang kuat
pada masing-masing kita?

Kenapa-
Tuhan menakdirkan kamu dan dia
tetapi Ia membubuh cinta di masing-masing hati kita?

I went outside
I saw the stars gazing
I saw the lights glowing
I saw my muddy path
and jumped and hoped and jumped
Avoided getting *****

I went to the airport
'What should I do?'
I asked myself when i was at the airport
Walked to the other corner
Stared at the people
Then walked
After that I decided to go home

I walked my way to the exit
I mean to the parking lot
I stopped breathing
when I saw you
a stranger
with nice hair
brown eyes
pale face
and a-little-to-pale lips
We stared at each other for a long time
but not enough time to fall in love

Awkward?
Yes. Of course.
Then what should I do?
because we attracted to each other
and nothing we could do
so we kept walking
in different directions

Hoping one of us had ***** to say hi.

Well too bad, I don't have any.

Dear stranger at the airport
If God gives us second chance
Will we recognize each other?
Will we say hi to each other?
Will we
fall in love? Eh?

One day I saw you
pale skin, brown hair and everything's gold
brown eyes and blue sky matched well.

'Who is he?' I asked my self, bravely took a step forward to make sure you were a human being.
You were, indeed, a human being.

All the girls acted dumb and you were like a cactus erected deep to the really wet ground. Steady, dangerous but dying.
All the boys looking like you, jealous.
They were the plants grew on dry ground.
They need water for living.

and all the dumb girls
they wouldn't leave until the death of the steady cactus
money was all you have
and everything else i didn't really need
Kept watching your deathbed

I thought it'll be entertaining
Thinking you were like the others
dumb, and dumb, and dumb.

Oh no! I felt something on my cheeks
Wet and salt I taste and wet
Tears? Was it tears?
The lightning strucked to the center of my heart,
I didn't enjoy this.

Your deathbed was my deathbed
I was in terrible pain
But why?

And did you know?
The reason off the pain that i felt?
It's because
I fell in love with a dying cactus
Dying
Cactus.

He is standing still.
For the world he had been betrayed by,
He had lost his grip on hope.

Dear,
Yang telah kau pegang erat itu
Hanya seutas tali
Seutas cerca.
Jangan kau harap tali lusuh itu
Membawamu maju
Tali itu kuat menarikmu
Mundur
Walau perlahan
Tak membuatmu maju

Betrayal is a gift, sometimes
Betrayal is a chance for you
To change what you've been given
To prove them that you are more than who you are
To be yourself, to find yourself

If betrayal is a living thing
You should smile to him sometime
Even if it hurts you
Because it is the worst way to hurt your enemy

Karena nanti kau tahu
Kau ditinggalkan
Untuk diberi kesempatan

Karena mungkin di antara kesempatan itu
Kau menemukanku
Atau yang lain
Yang lebih seiras denganmu

Almost a thosand years
You've been wandering
Finding goods
But only found the bads

I am standing still
Healing the world
So you can live here with me

Small talks as we walk to the church
Future, life and hobbies are the topics
I am happy by the time you tell me
Everything in your life
I am happy to be with you

Holding your hand so tight
Afraid to lose you
Your right hand is pale
Trembling and sweating
You are nervous and sad
"Why?"
You ask me

Now we walk in silent
It's raining, the sky is crying
I am crying for help
We can not hold any longer
Your eyes meet mine
We are not in real bond yet
And kissing is a sin for now
But I kiss you goodbye
And it tastes good
We both trembling and sweating
Afraid of the sin we made
God, forgive me
Out relationship is a sin

We arrive at the church
I do remember that day I kissed you
I touched you
I hugged you
So do you
You look sad
You look pale
But you are what you are
Do not change

"Goodbye," I smile, "take care."
You wave your hand
And smile at me
The sadness we both feel
Vapor in the blue air

I am heading back to the mosque
I can not change

i was born
to know
a fact that
youre not mine

I'm okay
I'm in love,
everything is so beautiful,
you are perfect.

I'm okay
I'm madly in love,
I'm happy to be with you,
don't go away.

I'm not okay
because I'm in love,
and I want to die.
You left me.

you hear me
by what i write

when i saw you,
i thought i saw my future.
there came the time when
i realized,
i was directly looking at my soul destroyer.