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Amanda Jul 2015
A new year comes
Ready to bring hope and joy to all
So as that massive ball starts to fall,
I pray this year will bring good things.
The way I see it,
The coming of a new year is like an omen for bad luck.
While everyone is dreaming and wishing and making plans, it's the perfect time for life's massive ball to fall and strike us all.
We've made it too easy for life,
We've given it the perfect time to strike!
Amanda Jul 2017
I stopped taking them
My anxiety heightened
My depression soared
I started to feel frightened
by my reflection.

I didn't want to eat
I didn't want anything
Endless sleep sounded tempting
Weeks passed by
and I wanted to be the sky
I got new pills
Scared to take them
but more scared of not taking them
A painful detox was what it was
Feeling frozen and cold
Nothing sprang from nothing
The new pills are helping
There are still side effects, at least that's what I've been told
Amanda Apr 2017
I never knew love like this
every day your cheek I kiss
you make me want to live
endless hugs for you I give
I am forever grateful for you
I love you and you love me too
you're the sweetest thing
in this house, you are the king
each moment without you
is a moment I miss
you deserve the world
and a permanent state of bliss.
Amanda Oct 2018
In a Catholic school, I was nothing
but an untrained brain, a pair of legs
in a short skirt, and calves in knee-high black socks
pulling my skirt down, tugging at the wool
to protect myself. I never thought
myself to be apart of that group,
never gotten ***** or abused, but then,
I thought longer…harder about my position,

and your greedy hand still finds my legs
under the wool, despite my efforts, lingering
there for half a second too long. I still feel it
when I put myself back in that desk.
It wasn’t friendly. It wasn’t innocent.  
You knew what you were doing.
The excuses I made to justify
your behavior. I couldn’t fathom
how you, a man, much older than me,
could touch me without my permission—
How easily you could do that to me.
Invade my space while I sat there,
Frozen,
unsure of what to say or do. And now,
years later, I quietly utter beneath
my breath, “Me too.”
Amanda Jul 2018
The darkness descended
We couldn’t move
Unable to speak
We just stared back at the nightmare
The hooded figures waiting to come take me
I called you for help, and you answered
We tried to escape the house,
crawling on all fours to gain motion,
Any motion.
Quick sand feet,
nailed to the earth.
They gained on us
You were ahead of me,
and I knew I’d give in-
my anatomy failing me.
I had to wake myself up in self preservation,
An instinct deeply rooted in us all
I write in the dark,
afraid to see the hooded figures again when I close my eyes
Terrified of falling back in.
Amanda Mar 2019
It’s wild how deep our thoughts can go
How the thunderstorms won’t ever seem to go away,
How the dark clouds linger and part so slow.
It’s wild how deep our thoughts can go
How the serotonin can possibly be so low.
Trying and failing to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay
It’s wild how deep our thoughts can go
How the thunderstorms won’t ever seem to go away…
Amanda May 2019
Do you hear it too?
The whispers?
The room that isn’t quite as silent as it used to be.

Do you see them too?
The shadows?
The black figures thrown against the walls

Coming. Closer.
Do you feel it too?
The pressure in your chest
The stinging eyes of suppressed tears
From emotions that are not yours.

The feeling of someone
Holding your hand
When it’s slumped over the bed
When you are paralyzed in the mornings.

Do you see the light shining.
The single bird
Landing on your rooftop.
Do you smile at their presence?
Do you grasp onto the invisible hand?
Do you embrace the pressure in your chest?
Do you hide from the shadows?
Do you scream at the whispers?
Amanda Dec 2015
Once we were green,
Happy as can be.
Our youth a shield,
It was just you and me.
But something snapped within those years,
Leaving you, a wildflower
and me, in tears.
Later, your petals began to fall
and I have watched it all
Through careful eyes
While yours were blind.
Now your leaves look down upon the earth
For so many years you silenced your worth.
From the Garden, rooted here,
I watch my memories of you slowly disappear.
Amanda Sep 2017
My mind is stuck
My mental stability is weak
The thoughts are returning
Familiarity is what I seek.

I want to run
But there's nowhere to go
I want to be elsewhere
Freshman year is always a low.

Take me away
I'll go anywhere
Roam the mountains with me
Choose any state, I do not care

Let me be free
I need an escape
I am trapped inside my head
and on this campus
I need an escape
before it's too late.
Amanda Sep 2015
Every smile is forced
Every laugh is fake
Everything is a disaster, whatever I make.
I hate writing such sad poems
But this is who am I and where I belong.
"I will struggle to hang on,
don't you worry,"
I say as my eyes fill with water
and my vision is blurry.
Amanda Dec 2015
Here I am,
There you are.
The humanity in us has fled,
Never to return again
It once kept us grounded for so long
But it has gone, leaving us to float along
In an atmosphere we once looked to for salvation
Emptiness fills the space
And we wonder how we've fallen so far from grace.
We drift farther and farther away now
But we are lost
We are gone.
Amanda Jan 2019
she wept near the grave of her father,
knees digging into the fresh dirt.
her tears watered the earth beneath
her limbs.
deep sobs escaped her throat.
her father stood near.
not yet enough energy to form
and apparition for his daughter--
maybe some day.

he could see others pacing beside
their graves--wandering.
with a slight tip of the hat
to another nearby soul
and a sigh towards his kin,
he vanished with a gust of wind.
she turned, rubbing her puffy eyes
wishing it were him.
disappointed, she lays down
on top of the soil, six feet between her
and the freshly departed.
Amanda Jul 2015
Permanent gray clouds hover near,
The rain that follows is what I fear.
I run for shelter but there is nothing here.
The showers don't start off small
Oh, life doesn't like me at all.
The things that bring me solace are slim
and my future in this world is looking pretty grim.
I will not let the clouds swallow me up
so instead I drown my sadness in a cup.
All I can do is wish for sun tomorrow
to hopefully dry up all my sorrow.
Amanda Nov 2017
Grief is stronger than love
It's deeper
The love I feel is strong
but grief is stronger...
The feeling of the emptiness of your body
is more palpable than the fullness your body feels when love consumes it.

Love is powerful
It gives you hope and happiness
Love can pull you out of grief
The two are intertwined
Grief is born out of the loss of love

Grief is terrible.
It's a feeling that should
never have to be felt.
Love creates it but
a deeper love can stem from it.

Both are tangled in each other.
Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference...
Amanda Aug 2015
The struggle to hang on
In a world that screams, 'you don't belong'
The struggle to live
when you've lost the fight to give
The appealing thought of death
hovers when you crave endless rest.
I'm drowning in tears
and no one is here
to rescue me.
Amanda Apr 2017
there is a revolution brewing
the women fill the streets
their light piercing the stormy skies

the revolution is coming
the pink poster boards litter her bedroom floor
fighting for our rights
with the passion of those from the 20's and 60's

the pink poster board held high
our light piercing the charcoal clouds
the sun is coming out,
the four year forecast of constant rain and sleet
will be cut short,
thrown down the memory hole.
the revolution is here.
Amanda Dec 2016
I am listening for the name to be called of our next President.
I am listening for the ring of the Liberty Bell to sound again.
I am listening for happiness to be discussed on the sidewalks of my town.
I am listening for my name to be called on graduation day.
I am listening for my name to be called on commencement day.
I am listening for the buzz of the city outside of my apartment in Boston.
I am listening for a pleasant change to be reverberated throughout society.
I am listening for a rebirth of happiness to excite the nation.
I am listening for the happiness inside me to awaken.
I am listening for that voice inside my head that encourages me.
I am listening for the sound of true love that speaks from the heart.
I am listening for the words, "Will you marry me?"
I am listening for the cries of a baby.
I am listening for the endless, "I love you's."
I am listening for the cries of a second child.
I am listening for the gentle small talk of dog walkers in my suburban neighborhood.
I am listening for the rush of busy work that floods my office.
I am listening for endless presentations I must listen to in order to pay my bills.
I am listening for the excitement in my friends' voices when they tell me they're engaged.
I am listening for the cries of my friends' babies.
I am listening for my children's names to be called on their graduation day.
I am listening for the sermons at my parents' funerals.
I am listening for this cycle to repeat itself throughout time.
I am listening for the afternoon breeze tickling the tree branches as I sit beside my husband in rocking chairs in our later years.
I am listening for that voice in my head to tell me that I did it, that I lived an amazing life.
Finally, I am listening for the sound of God's voice to say one word, "Welcome".
If
Amanda Apr 2017
If
If we all knew what becomes of us after death,
would there be more suicides?
Or would there be more people seizing the moment?

If we remembered every single day of our lives,
would we go insane?
Or would we be more intelligent?

If we felt no pain,
would the world be full of happiness
Or lost, blind souls?

If all diseases were cured,
would we be happy?
Or overpopulated, each of us living in squalor?

If we all experienced true love,
would we all feel complete?
Or would we feel completely empty once it has fled us?

If we knew all of the answers to these questions,
would we feel satisfied?
Or would we feel completely helpless...
Amanda Aug 2015
I do not know who am I,
Why I am here,
Or what this life even means.
This fantasy of you seems too good to be true,
Can this fairytale be as great as it seems?
Hopefully you won't figure me out before I've figured myself out.
I guess we'll just wait and see.
Amanda Aug 2017
I've grown up in front of this mirror
it's seen all of my changes
My hair has grown,
my face altering
in the slightest
each day.
my dna covers every square inch of this house

How am I supposed to walk away
from all that i've known
for 18 years?
My bedroom has changed with my passing interests,
never having its own identity
When I return home, I'll be no more than a visitor
a passing guest.
I will never know the life I had before ever again.

How can I walk away?
When I come home it won't be the same
I'm living in between homes
I am homeless, yet I have two
My house has seen me grow through the years
It has always stayed the same
It's been a constant
in my constantly changing life
Missing this life is an understatement
Some people go to college right down the road because they're not ready to leave

How could they possibly be ready?
We didn't ask for this
We are not guided out of the nest,
we are shoved
We are alone now
and I don't know where to go from here.
Amanda Nov 2017
We are desperately clinging to the past
We cannot let it go
We clutch on to it with sweaty palms
Our grasp is slipping
We cling hopelessly to the familiarity of the past
But it can't last

We have to sever the grasp
Against our will,
the hold slips
Lost in the abyss of the past.

We must take an axe to our Roots
Nature will run its course and plant our seeds where they need to be
in order to evolve into a stronger, greater species
After letting go, we let the wind carry our soles elsewhere
Soles sink into new healthy soil
We look behind us
Waiting to see the past chasing us, struggling to catch up
But our eyes behold a new unfamiliar landscape
that's ready to take us through a new adventure

We evolve
We yearn for new self discovery
Passion sizzling in our stems
It may feel like a storm, but it is a mere shower that all flowers need in order to grow and blossom.
Amanda Sep 2017
I am trapped inside myself
I don't know who I am
Or what I look like
I know what I want
But have no way of getting myself there

I am trapped inside my body
I am empty
I am weak
I am starving
For something greater

I am trapped inside my mind
I am lonely
I am worried
I feel defeated

I am trapped inside my relationships
I am stuck
I am anxious
I am angry

I need a complete escape
The city draws me in
It's pulling me
Closer
But I just feel more trapped

Will I always feel trapped inside myself?
Amanda Jun 2016
Clocks are striking
Mind is spinning
Falling down, I make no sound.
I cannot speak
With you near me, I feel so weak.
Love consumes me
With you, I feel so free.
With you, all I do is smile,
and I know I could stay like this for quite awhile.
The clock is ticking,
onetwothree
I need you here with me.
Endless time could I spend with you
Be mine, and I will be yours too.
Amanda Jul 2015
When dreaming, you enter a world that is entirely your own.
But what lies beneath the surface is something completely unknown.
A playground of wishes and dreams,
So happy it may seem.
But too happy too late
None recognize the fate that is buried beneath the shone.
Mystical thoughts that are buried within,
Haunt and terrorize the tender young kin.
A place of peace and sleep,
That one struggles to keep
Is swept from them all too fast.
At last! The fiends have their way,
To destroy and demolish the dreams of play.
Beasts unleashed in these little minds
and are pleased at what they might find.
Terror and horror and all the above
This is what they do and what they love.
Innocent minds try to break free,
But what help will that bring for you or for me?
written when I was 15
Amanda Jul 2015
My Captain,
Please lead the way!
Oh, I ought to wish you'd stay one more day.
I'll miss your bright soul
that has been shaken and turned cold,
to be lifted to the skies,
leaving me with teary eyes.
Please Captain, don't go,
the world will miss you so.
Continue your journey,
I know it'll be a great one.
Goodbye for now, but just know,
our adventures will never be done.
Amanda Sep 2018
You and I were broken
Elements,
Waiting to be paired
With another that would
Cause an irreversible reaction.
I envied the way your atoms were
Always bursting with energy
Inside of you that you often
Took for granted.

If you were oil, brash and bold,
I was water, invisible and quiet.
We tried to mix, but nature wouldn’t
Have it.
Continuously trying and failing to turn myself
Into an element that could be useful
To you,
An element that when combined with yours
Would instantly create heat and light.
A burning reaction
Full of love and lust
Mixed into one test tube.

But we failed the test.
Maybe it’s because guys like you—brash and bold
Don’t belong with girls like me—invisible and quiet.
Amanda Aug 2015
I close my eyes
at 1 am
Imagine what you were thinking
when you knew the rope would win.
I picture the happy poet,
bursting with energy and life,
You're in a happier place, I know it
I just wish it were here on earth.
You decided to leave
and throw it all away
I just wish for one more day,
you'd had the courage to stay.
The cemetery feels so cold
even on this warm August day.
We cry and miss you so,
begging and praying that you wouldn't go.
Goodbye my uncle, goodbye my idol,
Goodbye a father, goodbye a brother.
I hope you find what you're looking for
And I'm sorry that life had shaken and frozen your core
to the point of no return.
Amanda Jul 2015
Stereotypes fill the minds of people who know too little.
My favorite stereotype is the one that says every poem must rhyme.
To make every single poem rhyme,
By God, that would take too much time!
Amanda Jul 2017
I had a dream
that you jumped.
You smashed your head
against the pavement.
I froze
Stuck
My feet became one with the concrete
My breathing slowed
Almost as if I were in a trance
Everyone ran to the scene
But not me
I looked at my dad
He looked at me
We woke up stunned
because we realized we shared the same dream...
Amanda Mar 2017
My body is sinking,
swallowed by the sea.
My dreams are shrinking,
my lungs struggling to breathe.

My blood is turning blue,
My nose, inhaling water.
My soul, ready to experience something new.
I knew this outcome, why did I even bother.

I  struggle to hold my breath
My skin has turned pale
I am ready for what’s coming next.
I see the light, with one final inhale.
Amanda Nov 2016
I took something from you,
sweet stranger
you'll never get it back
the sounds of explosions
that causes the permanent
ringing in your ears
the weight upon your back
the smell of blood piercing your nose
the taste of ammunition
clenched between your teeth
the sight of your men falling to the earth,
never given a second chance
will never fade.
you cannot escape it, my friend
you had no choice
they had no choice
we never get to choose.
Amanda Jul 2015
Tap, tap, tap on your little device
Do you wish to hear my insightful advice?
Look up, not down
Take a walk into town.
Throw your phone away,
you won't need it today.
Appreciate the yellows, greens, and blues
Mother Nature won't mind if you use her bed for a snooze.
Tap, tap, tap on your useless device
You ought to hear my insightful advice.
Stop damaging your eyes
There's a much bigger prize.
Be wholly alive and tough,
You'll be dead soon enough.
Amanda Apr 2017
The battle over poetry
The soldiers fight
their words, their weapons.
The historic battlegrounds dedicated in honorable memorials,
studied in English classrooms everywhere.
The meek soldiers follow in the footsteps of the noble commanders that have paved the battlegrounds for them.

The quiet soldiers want to fight,
the drafted,
given the gift of perfect aim but can never choose the right target.

I join the fight,
The fight to express thoughts and beliefs
Your words, silver bullets, sink deep into my skin.
They do not reach my heart, however.
They sink deep into parts of me that will not **** me,
but will leave me screaming in pain.
The pain of your words cut deep.
I struggle to fight back,
my pain, my motivation to keep up the fight.

The drafted are invisible
The fight continues,
the soldiers longing to be commemorated for the pain they endured in the fight.
We are the drafted,
the unnoticed.
Our pens, our weapons
and this battle is far from over
Amanda Nov 2017
It's wild, isn't it?
How deep our thoughts can go,
How the thunder storm won't ever seem to go away,
The storm floods out of the eyes,
Happiness is a foreign concept
and a social construct.

People say, "it gets better".
I simply scream at them, "When".
I think you fail to see that the future doesn't exist
It is always the present
But I fail to see the present as a gift.

Society medicates itself
to turn the darkness
into a lighter shade of gray
But sometimes, the color gradates from
black, to gray, to white
in one swift gulp.

Do I have hope for the depressed?
I have to.
I have to have enough hope for the both of us
They cannot see it
I see it for them

Examine the depths of your mind
or don't.
It will be fatal either way.
Amanda Jul 2016
When we were young, the world was our own.
But what would come with time, was completely unknown.
We were innocent, wild and carefree.
We used to play outside, just you and me.
But something happened, something large and bold,
Leaving our souls weak to turn cold.
I look outside, nostalgic and morose.
The grass we used to play on is dead, of course.
We cannot change time they say.
But I need just one more day
to go back and experience it all
Before that Great Epic Fall.
loss of innocence
Amanda Nov 2017
You're here.
I feel you
You're underground.
I feel you in the nature surrounding your grave

You're ashes now.
It's as if you never existed
only in memory now.

What color are your clothes now?
Are they still blue?
What do you look like?

You exist in the air around me
as I sit beside your stone
I'm the only one in the cemetery

Do you know these other people?
What's it like in that other dimension?
Are you still writing poetry?
Do you know you're dead?
Is it better?
Do you miss it?

I've written to you
I read you my letters
Talking to air that you occupy

I lean against your stones,
Feeling cradled by you
even though it's been years
since you disappeared.

You will always exist
I walk around the corner
to visit another friend.

How have you been?
I'm sorry I haven't thought about you in awhile
I cry
I don't want your memory to disappear

I slowly walk out of the graveyard
Feeling empty and whole
at the same time.

I'm not leaving you here
I'm breaking you out of this "beautiful" place
You're coming with me
Amanda Apr 2017
Reckless and wild
Hopeful and carefree
The roads of the midwest await

Inconvenience strikes-
Sealed already is their fate.

On the run
90 goes the T-bird
leaving behind it their future
entangled in the thick clouds of dust.

Over the grand canyon they go
The T-bird flies
Their energy and passion,
their fuel.
Limitless possibilities await
for Thelma and Louise

The journey continues
Amanda Apr 2018
My thumb has a callas from lighting the bic so many times.
I've burned myself so many times.
I've been burned by you so many times.

I inhale the smoke and let it fill up my lungs.
I stare at the bridge.
It reminds me of the city lights.
It calls out to me.

I feel my blood coursing through my veins.
I imagine myself on the top of a building
staring out into the sea of lights.

Twinkling into my soul.
You're coughing next to me,
not a clue in the world of what
I'm thinking about.

I wonder if anyone cares
what's going on in my mind.
My body tingles
My blood runs around the track

I lay beside the rocks
and let my thoughts drift
with the waves
I close my eyes to endlessly
imagine
the Sea of Lights.
Amanda Sep 2018
There’s rocks in my shoes
Wet from stepping in puddles
to avoid the strangers beside me.
I forgot socks
My toes bare beneath the leather
Pebbles digging into my soles

There’s rocks in my shoes
Heavy
Stuck
I can’t stop to get them out
Only have to endure the pain
Until I reach my destination

There’s rocks in my shoes
They’ve been there all day
When night descends,
and I am safe,
I don’t take them off
Scared to see the dirt they’ve created
They’ve molded to my feet,
An extension of my insecurity.

They’re stuck there,
But I don’t mind them anymore.
Amanda Nov 2018
She
Counts
Her shots
With sharpie
On her arm, tick tick
The alcohol swirls inside her.
It can **** you, you know that, if you keep taking them.

She
Waits,
Ignores.
Breathes in smoke.
The substances coursing
Through her veins. The two, a yin-yang
Teasing each other, now giving balance to her world.

Feel
Your
Burning
Cheeks flushing
Under the dim lights.
Are you still counting them tonight?
What are you trying to escape from? Him? Or yourself?
Amanda Apr 2017
Every day throughout the hallways,
I hear it.
"I want to die",
"I'd rather **** myself",
"Oh my god, **** me".
I'll admit it, sometimes I catch myself saying it too by accident.

But these phrases matter.
They are not a joke to simply be brushed off
and forgotten
with a slight laugh, met with fake agreement.

Suicide is real.
Whenever I hear the phrases,
I am brought back to the cemetery.
My grandpa burying his son.
He read a poem to commemorate his son's love for literature.
I fought back my tears because I hate crying in public,
even if it's justified by a funeral.
We pretended we weren't sad.
We tried to fathom how his life was so cold that he'd rather face death
They pretended they understood his pain.

Every time I see a hanging on television
or hear someone talk about hanging,
I fight back my tears
because my experience with that is too real.
It shouldn't be real.
I understand the depressed's pain, I really do.
But suicide leaves scars on everyone you leave behind.
It changed my life forever
and I pray you find the courage to stay.
Amanda Jul 2015
This life is sometimes worth living.
But God, I'm just so tired of giving.
I remind myself that there's more out there,
that life isn't just hidden in this tiny comfort square.
I look up and think of a better day,
that not all days will be like today.
At times I think, Why am I here?
Why does it feel so easy to disappear?
Tears stream down my face
and I close my eyes to imagine a happier place.
Tomorrow will be better, I say.
But that only gets me through today.
Amanda Mar 2019
Two passed lovers are
Lingering in the stars,

Deciding their puppets’ fate with each other,
Laughing and singing in the stars.

They place two near each other to tease,
Until they need a shove, a simple push to start.

The passed lovers play out their past,
Or their fantasies. Love is written in the stars.

They pull the strings, giving the illusion of freewill,
But it’s a TV show that never ends, after death comes re-start.

Heartbreak and humor are timeless plots,
Curtains up and quiet down, the show will almost start.

Made in their own image in different variations,
They scheme—the partners in the stars.

Rewarding their puppet lovers with
A forever together in the stars

Only now the Latin names for love are
Deciding others’ fate from the safety of the stars.

— The End —