They always say the first year is the hardest
When is the first for anything but hard
A flower cant bloom if it's not a seed
A seed can't bloom if it's not tended too
How our first  summer was seemingly blue
But our love for one another carried us through
Regardless of the type of day, I am thankful we didn't fall astray
For I would do it all over again if it met growing even stronger with you
I love you

Picking Tiger Lillies in the summer breeze
Packing our favorite drinks and candies
Heading to the beach
Laughing and singing our favorite melodies
Playing catch and swimming until we are content
Eating blue moon ice cream while holding hands
Running home to watch a few horror movies
With the remains of our candy
Laughing and playing the games we always do
Scrabble, Guess Who, or Egyptian Rat *****
Who knows if we are going to ***** but I can't imagine
my life without you.

I wish I knew where to go
Lost in a sea of dead dreams
Trying to hold onto me
Screaming
Shouting
Wanting to be free
But I can't seem to escape
Just an endless purgatory

Sorry
For holding  yourself worth hostage for what you could provide
You yearned to protect  others from knowing your pain
Sacrificed relationships for the sake of sounding sane
Sacrificed your dignity and humanity for a few dollars
Yet I can still see the dollar in you  through all your pain
It's exhausting...

Sorry
For giving your a false sense of pride
For isolating you  when you felt the most pain
I just wanted to protect you
From drowning in all the  self-doubt and pain

Sorry
For trying to find whatever comfort a bottle could provide
It felt safer than being viewed as weak
I felt stronger when I had a few drinks
But in reality, I was just trying to disconnect from everything
It's not your fault it was what you were taught

Sorry
For all the bad decisions and relationships we damaged
Who knows if those relationships were real
Maybe they weren't since they aren't here
But were you really there or just existing I can't answer that
We will just call it even I guess
I can't change the past but I will always wonder what could've been

Sorry
For all the self-hate
You weren't shown what self-love looked like in the first place
You can't blame yourself
You were a blank canvas just seeking validation
You ran to find it but instead, you found anger and hate

Sorry
For letting others write your narrative for so long
In reality, it was already being written at the birth
Totted as smart and strong in public
But dumb and weak in private
The lines got blurred from time to time

Sorry
For tolerating and letting those narratives hold you
Felt safer to comply than to fight
I can't blame you
Because those narratives were reinforced every step of the way

Sorry
I just wanted the best for you
I did what I had to protect you
Once Again I am sorry

Thank You
You did protect me and I will be forever grateful
But its time to let go
Some dreams die but others are about to bud and bloom
I love you but I am no longer you
I don't want to miss another season because I couldn't accept what we have been through
I will forever miss some parts of us
But its time to start anew

I feel in the wrong
I have been swallowing my heart
Torn between what is and what could be
I wish I didn't feel this way
I don't feel broken
But oddly incomplete
Why do you feel like the missing piece
My wife  already loves me endlessly
Yet I constantly daydream about us three

one warm summer night
you and I were strangers
our minds danced the night away
while your soul ignited mine

I use to think three was a crowd
Slowly you came into our lives
Quickly you stole our time
When you are around
Hours turned into minutes
Every weekend wasn't long enough
How I long for those times

Growing up I was always told I was a great listener
Oh how I have strayed from that time of late
Sorry for I never felt heard until now

you taught me how to tie my shoes
yet they still come undone from time to time
no blame or shame in that
yet you continue to try and tie me down with
your own insecurities
your lack of community
your lack of self-worth

it's not my job to untie your knots
because I am still trying to take apart mine
these knots have been a part of me for far too long

sometimes I wonder what life would be like
if someone else taught me how to tie my shoes

light blues dancing with shades of white
sunflowers happily singing in delight
gentle rays of light dancing over you and I
please don't leave there is so much more to see
let's go see the big oak trees swinging in the breeze
or the salty seas filled with endless possibilities
life with you feels so free and puts me at ease
please don't leave

here's my garden I have tended to my whole life
composed of sweet dreams and lovely memories
please take a stroll with me
for I don't get much company

these flowers ground me when I am feeling lonely
for they don't critique me
they love me for being me
still, I continue planting seeds
hoping I bloom into someone others see

oh how silly
wanting to be perceived
maybe I am just lonely
please don't leave

Inescapable
Dreams Quieting
Hollow Ideas Consuming

I feel like I can finally see myself
No longer do I wear a mask to protect myself
Or listen to the narratives I have been told about myself
I have broken free
I wish you could see

Why chase your ideal view of perfection
You can have a bronze tongue disguised in silver
A bond built on brokenness that is never a whole
All the answers to the questions you view as important
But never have the answers to the questions asked
Hopeful but desperate for a silver lining
Sad but happy with how I am contributing
Not feeling I am doing enough
Complacent.Lost..Happy?

Trapped in this vantablack room
There’s got to be a key somewhere
But Where?
Why do I want to leave this place????
The Isolation has been oh so nice....
I came here feeling strong, confident, powerful
Now I am nothing other than a pasty white corpse
A Corpse that has nothing to give because I have only taken
I desired lust and what I thought would lead to love

Karma got the best of me

I forgot to love myself
If I don’t relearn how to love myself then I will be trapped in this purgatory
Okay just one step before the other….
Good….
Another….
Ugh I just fell and cut my hand….
Well there goes that opportunity
I will just go back from where I came
Not like anyone every loved me the way I love them….
Wait????
Is that a voice?
“Woah hi what are you doing here????”
I was looking for some *****…..
Well I am sorry but we don’t have that here

But…….
It looks like you found the key to my heart…
Thank you so much…..
I cant imagine where I would be without you being here today
I couldve been lost forever if you didn’t show up today
“At the very least can I get your name?”
“I am Danielle”
One Year Later
“Danielle will you marry me?”
“YES!”

Dusty glistening light
Filling his pours with gold
Crushing his heavy heart
For hes a fool searching for gold

There but hard to find
Given away too often
Returned to sender

Before the last seven days
I was starving for attention
I wanted someone to see me for whom I thought I was
I almost gave up
Quickly falling into my old ways
To the old player in me
Saying all the right things
Just to end up in someone's bed
So I could feel something

I am no longer anxious
I've found comfort with someone that adores all my flaws
She looks at me like no one else exists
Her eyes burn with a passion that can't be matched
She makes me feel at home although I haven't been home the past few days
She makes me want to always hold her hand
She makes me want to kiss her in public
Things I've never been so confident in doing
She doesn't see who I was in the past
For I will do anything for her
Just as she does for me

I drown her in compliments
Amazing dates that would make any girls heart melt
Someone I can be weird in public with
Sweet dreams because when she sleeps she sees me

This all feels like a dream
I don't know what to say
For I am afraid to say the wrong thing and wake up from this beautiful dream

Wow you are amazing
You look very sharp today
You came over here so smoothly
You are so clever
You brighten my day whenever I talk to you
You are so good at your job
I can't believe you remember me you are going to go far in life
You are so personable which makes you a great employee
Hey I remember you...You are the guy with all the jokes
Awe you are so cute
You look like you run this place

I am receiving all these amazing compliments but I cant help feeling trapped
Screaming underwater while my lungs fill with water
Trying to swim but the more I try the further I sink

I have only known you for a few hours
How are we acting like we are best friends
Harmless flirting since we both knew it wouldn't lead anywhere
I know a few people, that tell me they are terrified to talk to you
Sure you put up a tough girl look
Those people fail to see your heart of gold

You walk around with a sense of confidence that is unmatched
Your laugh is intoxicating
I had you laughing throughout the entire day
Whenever you saw me your eyes light up so brightly I could see my reflection in them

You even chased me when I walked away
Scratching and begging for my attention
I became your addiction which didn't have a fix

How has it been four years already
I cant believe so much time has past since I have seen you
We use to be best of friends
You were the first girl I ever fell in love with
Although we never kissed
You were crafted by the gods inside and out
We use to talk everyday and you would vent your problems to me
Which I never minded because I just wanted to hear your voice
I will never forget our late night adventures
When it was just you and I time seemed to fly
I would pick you up at two in the morning
We wouldn't get home until we could see the sky turning light
I will never forget our late night runs to the grocery store
Or our late night talks that seemed to last minutes when they were hours long
Whenever it was just you and I
We would never stop laughing
We were perfect for one another
Ya we didn't have a lot in common
But when we hanged out it didn't matter

Nowadays you always find a way to text me when I am feeling really low and or when I am feeling really good about myself
Its like you have a sixth sense
It kind of freaks me out but gives me a sense of comfort
Knowing you will be a friend of mine for life
No matter the time or distance between us
Whenever we text it seems like we talked yesterday when its actually been months
I love you and always will

Teapot be whistling
Nothing to pour it into
A helpless feeling

.
.
.
.
.
.

All these blank lines are words I never had the courage to say
No point in saying them since they no longer matter
They will just remain blank lines that will never leave my mind

Here take my hand
Let me take you to the lake
Will dance in the suns rays
Drink summery beer all day
We will go cruise on the boat
Where you will feel the warm summer breezy play if your hair
The sun will kiss your perfect skin
Sing along to some classic country tunes
Build a roaring fire
Cook some of the best s'mores until you cant eat no more
Go on a late night boat cruise
Slow dance under the bright moon to some classic forties tunes
While looking into your eyes making feel like the only girl
In the entire world
Once we get cold and tired we will go cuddle the night away

Romantic Roses
I have given out plenty
My last one turned black

I thought you changed for the better
You were nice and sweet
Our days together were filled with laughter
I really did choose you over her
Since I just wanted someone to call a friend
For a while it felt like I was betraying one of my best friends
I gave you a chance
I hate how much you neglected my love
For I enjoyed our time together
Then you met a guy and he takes all of your time
We don't talk often but you texted me today
In a ferrous rage saying how could I betray her
I don't know what I did
She's telling me I spilled the beans
The thing is I never had the beans
She must of miscounted her beans and blamed me for some information that leaked

So you are just too childish for me
Apparently I can only have one friend and not two for you two have too much history
Now I pick her over you sorry but you are a nut job

It fits perfectly
Burgundy is such a powerful color
It stands out in a sea filled with greys and blues
Oh how I love this suit

Line in the sand
This is my side
Stay on yours
Don't get me wrong
I flirt with the idea of crossing this line
Every time I get the courage to cross this line
I run and hide
For I fear whats on the other side
Love
Happiness
Depression
Sadness
I will stay on my side although I am dying inside

Born prematurely
Broken permanently
Scars cover my body
Scoliosis
One kidney
Reconnected small intestine
At least they didn't touch my heart
Its one of the few pieces that went untouched
Now all I want to do is give it away
Once I do I hope I never get it back

Don't bleed for someone
If you cant show them the cuts
If they won't show theirs

Short brown hair girl
She stared at me with her big brown eyes
Made me feel like she was going to be mine
Now I sit here wondering why
Why hasn't she texted me
Why did she say we will doing something on Sunday
Oh well I guess she was never mine
I was just another guy....

Both people have to be committed to a relationship for it to work

When you feel weak I'll give you strength
When you talk I'll listen
When you miss me and I'll make you feel loved
When you show me love I'll show you passion
When you cry tears of sadness I'll be there to hold you and tell you how great you are
When you are angry at life I'll show you how grateful I am to have you
When you have a problem with me I will work to make it right
When you feel insecure I'll tell you I love all your flaws because you wouldn't be you without them
When you are having a bad day I'll do whatever it takes to make you laugh

All I can hope for is she will do the same for me

Today marks the end of an amazing chapter
For I am going to step away from writing
Not forever but for a little bit of time

I have written poems about love and lost
I have written some poems while in tears and in shear glee
Sometimes I wrote in pure anger and frustration
But I would be a fool to say it wasn't worth every word I typed
I have found people that supported me
I found a passion that filled my soul with hope instead of hopelessness

Before I started this journey I didn't know a thing about poetry
Yeah this poem really doesn't show what I have learned
I have learned how to write different forms of poetry such as free verse, limericks and haikus

Now its time to step away and breathe
For me I have wrote more than I can believe
Time to step back and reread what my poetry has made me
My poetry has led me on great adventures
It has taught me a lot about what truly makes me tick
For if it wasn't for my poetry I don't know where I would be mentally

I love my life
My life isn't perfect
It's riddled with flaws and doubts
Somedays I feel as strong as an ox
Others I feel paper thin

We live in a world of depression
I try my hardest to breakout of this oppression
Once I feel free I'm dragged back into depression

Get yourself out of bed
When you are in bed you are dead
There's no future living in the past
Wash the cuts and scars off of your body
Let today be the first day of a new chapter
Because you cannot rewrite the past

I wonder what would happen
If everyone I knew could read my poems
What would change?

Would people call me fake
For the mask I wear
I always show everyone I am happy
I know some days that's true

But there are many days
I put on a mask to hide my sadness
I don't wear this mask because I am strong

I wear it for people that aren't
Then I wonder why put on this mask
Is it worth it?

Worth pretending that everything is okay
Worth not letting people in that may feel the same

Oh how I wonder how things would change....

She was ****** and bruised
Life beat her soul out of her
She was suffocating in a sea doubt

I didn't hesitate
I rushed into action
Removed the blood and iced her bruises
Filled her soul with laughter and joy
Pushed her to keep moving forward

Now she found a man off a dating app
She has now disappeared from my life
She ran away with a military man

Oh how I fear she will reenter my life
Broken and destroyed
For I believe they are moving way too fast

I got the message
Although it was never sent
Silence is so loud

Wow I just realized this
That you remind me so much of her
When we hangout it reminds me of how it once was
I miss her so much but there's nothing I can do
I just want the best for her
I know I hurt her and she doesn't trust me
I still love her and care about her more than anything

Thanks for hanging out with me
It is really helping me get out of my depression.....

I have none left in me
I have given it to everyone but me
Every poem I write has a little piece of me
Each poem has a few crumbs of the real me
These crumbs are easily overlooked
Many people I know say they love my writings
Very few can read between the lines I have wrote
Many fail to see what each of my lines truly mean
They don't see my heart racing to catch its beat
All they see is my mind trying to control my heart beat
A lot of my poems come off as shallow but not deep
I guess they truly don't know the real me
A smiling boy is all they see when they look at me
But deep down they don't see the pain that paralyzes me

I was jogging through a long hallway
I was so eager to see the voice that echoed through the halls
I turned the corner and realized it was my mom

What was she doing here??
I didn't invite her

Then I noticed a breathtaking ensemble sprawled out before me
Beautiful wood tables with crystal clear wine glasses which were complimented with big circular plates

I couldn't believe what I was seeing before me
I was only in the bathroom for ten minutes
Changing into a old sweatshirt and light blue shorts

I decided to scan the rest of the room quickly
I firstly saw the angel I spent the entire day with
Next to her was her dad
When I made eye contact with her dad he responded with, "Of all things you did today you did two things right. You showed my daughter an amazing time and secondly when we asked you to stay for dinner you said yes without hesitation. We coordinated this with your mom a couple of days ago, because you are the man, that my daughter deserves in her life. So this is a thank you."

I was still confused because I had no idea where my dad or her mom was

Why was I put in this position when she was talking to another guy
She seemed so set on him but did something happen? Regardless...

A feeling of fruition consumed my soul
I sat down in one of the chairs
I took a bite of some of the shrimp on my plate
Then I woke up..............

I have found my purpose
I was put on this planet to lead
Yet I wasn't put on this planet to be seen
I can lead a horse to water but I cant make it drink

I will push people to be great
I will make people laugh when they are sad
I will give people hope when they don't believe

I just want to see people succeed
Succeed emotionally
Succeed with accomplishing goals
Succeed with being themselves
Succeed with finding what they need

One thing I won't do is give up on me
I will do everything I can to be there for someone
But once I lose myself
Then they no longer see what I see when I look at them
Which is such a sad and helpless feeling

A young girl is trapped
Trapped in a snowy dense forest
Before she started she accepted death
Each step she takes is one step further from home
But closer to something she can call home
She's already mourning out of sheer helplessness

Now shes getting cuts and bruises from the abusive forest floor
Then she finds a break in the dense forest
She can see the sun and she can finally breathe
No sooner than later the sun vanishes
She keeps moving forward looking for that next bright light

Every stop gives her comfort but scares her because she realizes she can't afford to go back to where she once was
No matter how far she travels she will always be mourning something she lost

A young girl is trapped
Trapped in a snowy dense forest
Before she started she accepted death
Each step she takes is one step further from home
But closer to something she can call home
She's already mourning out of sheer helplessness

Now shes getting cuts and bruises from the abusive forest floor
Then she finds a break in the dense forest
She can see the sun and she can finally breathe
No sooner than later the sun vanishes
She keeps moving forward looking for that next bright light

Every stop gives her comfort but scares her because she realizes she can't afford to go back to where she once was
No matter how far she travels she will always be mourning something she lost

Even the richest man can be sad
While the poorest man can be the happiest
It's all about perspective

Sorry he is blind
He couldn't see your beauty
Of your heart and mind

Everyone sees how you look at me
I don't understand why I don't see it
I am sorry friend of mine
But you will not be mine

Old thoughts come out to play
Mind is flooding of thoughts from the past
Just like a wild child strung out on caffeine
Every time I catch-up to my thoughts
They keep running away from me
Now I'm losing sleep
Because the dead version of me
Is haunting my dreams
Here I lay wide awake
Wishing I could sleep

I love reading my old poems
It puts me back in my old shoes
Now its different
In hindsight the recent past
Has made me more of a man
Certainly I went through some growing pains
But it was worth it

They tell me give up
Give up on something I want
I told them get lost