i want to love myself
but i don't know how
drifting in and out
     between the reality and my delusions
trying to search for that vigor
that will to be alive—
to be excited of the sunrise
and feel calm
     soaking under the afternoon sun
and love the changing hues
     of the skies at dusk
and wish the moon a good night
     never fearing the dreams to come
then adore the peeking light at dawn
     reflecting the days waiting to be lived

but then it's gone
all that's left was a monotonous black
accompanied by a crippling silence
followed by the surge of doubts
     storming down my confidence
     its lightning striking
as i look into the mirror
     staring at my silhouette
     with its pieces shattering one by one
just as how, piece by piece
     i slipped into the pit
freefalling
and finally losing
     the will i tried so hard to keep
leaving me with nothing
but a void

And then he didn't come back

The summers passed, autumns faded, winters roared, and springs bloomed but he's nowhere to be seen.

As she made her way to the shore, she felt the gentle breeze and the embrace of the waves and as she looked up; she saw the moon alone in the vast nothingness of the sky with no star to keep her company.

She remembered him, thinking that maybe the stars are gone for the moon is too broken and is not as illuminated as it was the first time.

Then she remembered the first time he laid eyes on her. His eyes shone so bright, held much admiration in his gaze that she couldn't understand for she is nothing sort of a goddess the moon had blessed.

None of her poems caught the light and the life in his eyes when they first met: of how it looked silver and storm that reflects his turbulent emotions, of how his eyes reached the depths of her soul with his gaze, of how he saw her as his moon.

None of them could ever describe how his eyes demand to be stared at. None of them.

But then, he was a fleeting light like a poem you will only read once for it is blindingly painful that it hurts looking the second time.

And now, she feels a part of her is missing as she search for the stars up above.

And then she fixed her gaze, closing her eyes to the moon: wishing that when he said "It's because of you." He doesn't mean goodbye. Wishing he doesn't mean she's the reason why he's gone. Wishing that dreams aren't supposed to be just dreams for when they become reality, they take away the magical feeling.

A few tears escaped her closed lids and glistened as they bathe on the light of the moon as she thought of the last poem she'll ever write to him.

And then she finally whispered hoping the wind will bring it to him:

" And maybe,
   paintings and poetry
   couldn't hold a candle
   To every emotion
   we once had.

    You
    hold a key
    when we
    first met.

    I should've known
    that that key
    is not for me

    For I
    was never
    your home. "

i won't leave traces
     that i'm changing into different faces
fooling people of my desires
i'm stranded on a wire
with just one wrong step,
     people will know the depth
     of my longing.

i'd like to think i'm only indulging
and will not forever be craving:
     the taste of your lips
     the way your hands fall into my hips
          as our breathes mingle
          as our tongues entangle
making my body all tingly,
leaving your scent into me.

there will be no traces
of this poisonous fruit my heart chases
     because this is just a phase
     i'll sober up one of these days

but for now,
     let your traces seep deep into my bones
     and let the room be filled with both our moans.

Fighting my demons are always hard
For they have the poet's mind
That lured me in their metaphors of
the taste of the sun
or the comfort of solitude

They pull me in between their lines of
Desperation and depression
As if basking in the sunlight will make it less empty

They tangle me in the swirl of the words
Embracing me with each broken thorn of a flower,
or every drizzle of the rain, or every blanket of snow
or the feel of the breeze
As if those imagery
will make it less painful;
Written in papyrus with the ink as thick as blood and teardrops on the footnotes
As if those drops can lessen the burden that clutches my chest

They envelope me with every space
in between their words
as if letting me breathe
but then they enter
cutting the peace in between letters
but never putting a period
to end this miserable excuse for a poem
they made me

It's all a hallucination
An endless illusion
for in the end
I'm still chained,
existing with this void inside
and with my demons
Eating the life out of me

Then suddenly pressing save
for all the world to see
without even really
saving me

nais kong magpaalam sa
        kislap ng 'yong mga mata
        tono ng 'yong mga tawa
        at sa lutong ng 'yong
putang ina

kasi sa totoo lang,
        pagod na 'kong maghintay

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
That's what's inside,
And surprisingly,
It doesn't bother me.

It was:
     Comforting, like the
     Soft waves of the sea,
     Or the gentle breeze of the wind,
     Or the rays of the sun,
     Or even the dimness of the moon.
It touches what's within.
If there's any, that's it.

I'm feeling everything
     That I can't even feel anything
     That I can feel nothing
     Anymore.

How can someone feel so empty
With no particular reason at all?

How can someone cry
     When there's nothing to cry for---
     When there's literally nothing
     Like that someone
     Who is empty to begin with?

Shouldn't someone cry for
What existed and got lost
Not because something doesn't?
Not because of nothing?

Nothing feels RIGHT anymore.
NOTHING feels right anymore.

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
That's what's inside,
Eating the life out of me,
wanting me to cease to exist,
Tearing me from I don't know what.

Is this something you should nurse?
     The pain for it to go away,
     Or for you to be immune with it,
     To be constantly reminded,
     That you're still alive,
     That you're still capable
     Of feeling just anything
     Even if it is painful.

Despite the nothingness
That shades your being,
Despite the tears that came after
That threatened to spill even after
You let them all out;
It just wouldn't stop, would it?
Like how this emptiness can't be filled?

The wind is lucky it has the trees
     That danced with it
     With the daisies swaying
     To the symphony of its existence.

The sun is lucky it has its light
     That shines day and night
     With its rays stretched proudly
     And its warmth embracing thee.

The moon is lucky it has the stars
     Giving company to lonely hearts
     Or longing gazes through the night
     Never minding the light years apart.

The water is lucky it has hydrogen
     And a dose of oxygen
     That it can breathe life
     Calming the storm I'm brewing.

The earth is lucky it has all these
     That made it important
     To everyone's existence
     That it's something
     One can't live
     Without.

When will I be lucky
     When I don't even know
     If I still have my soul;
     When the only thing I know
          Is that I'm becoming a shell
          With nothing inside,
          With a hollow inside,
          Like a huge chunk of me
          Was eaten by
          An endearing, savage, yet
          Eerily silent nothingness.

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
     That's what's inside,
     But it doesn't matter
     Because people don't have the time
     To look past the soul;
     Only the outside---
     The shell of a being I once was.

A peck on my shoulder,
so light like a feather---
still brings tingles
as our scents mingle
--- the mint and coffee
and a little bit of berry.

Our breaths ragged
No other words was said;
Just our bodies
Clashing like chaos and peace
Like heaven and hell
It's all too well
And no words will ever rhyme
To describe how close enough
We are to touch
how your fingertips clutch
the curve of my waist
pulling me in haste
craving my taste
While I just heave a sigh,
Your hands brushing my thigh.
Then your eyes darken,
Like a beast was awoken
Clinging to me tightly,
Your lips suddenly,
Capturing mine---
So sweet like red wine.

I hear the warning bells rang
But my God, your tongue!
Such an explorer
Tasting every corner
of my mouth,
Making my heart shout
While I fail to suppress a moan
turning you on
rewarding me with your groan.

Then your hands start to roam
under my shirt
under my skirt
As my hands took off your coat
Your fingertips wrote
the very words
I want to blurt

Then you stopped
looked straight in my eyes
as I try to look up
Avoiding your eyes
So blue as the sky
As you try to be sly
Holding my chin,
Wearing your grin
Like you win.

And all the while---
I'm wondering
What's going
On in that head of yours
and of course,
you answered this
with another kiss;
Putting me out of blue,
You said, "I love you".

You're a page torn
From my diary
Keeping all my secrets
Accepting my demons
Calming my  3 am thoughts

Inks are smudged
Tear marks are dried
You kept them all
But you were the very
Reminder of all that's ****** up
in my life

You're a page torn
From my diary
Used, crushed, messy
Still, it's my biggest regret
To cut you off

Losing hope, losing faith
I think it’s because I hate to wait
I hate to wait to be better
so I just cower
in my own pitiful  silence
I just let myself get eaten by despondence
Get numbed by insecurities
Get beaten by realities
of the illusion I’m in
of how I’m consumed by sin
and I don’t know how
How to get out now.

People are trying to pull me
But it seems that my body
my mind, my soul, my entire being
no matter how they want
to go back to the light
go back to His light;
they just can’t.
They can’t because it is the unity
of myself that don’t agree
It is within me that they choose to not flee
It is within me and the evil
the devil inside that puts me in peril.

I’m losing hope and I’m losing my faith
I know how to wait
It’s just that I don’t know
If I’m still waiting
For something
Some sort of miracle that will save me
Bring me to pinnacle and tame me
then cleanse me and make me worthy
of His love again
even if it’s the last thing I’d do before my end.

Lifeless and lost
And it’s all because
I don’t know what to do
My mind is chaotic
My heart is confused
My spirit sympathetic
My soul is chagrined
My body all drained.
How to redeem myself?
Looking at the bible sitting in my shelf
All dusty and torn
Like my loss, it mourns.

Is it still possible
Will I still be able
to just come back
even if I lack
the passion and the fire
that once ignited my love
and the music of the lyre
of my heart and my faith
or will I just be a wraith
to a stranger soon
like a silhouette on the moon
waiting for my end
to where I’ll be sent
accepting my fate
without any hate
just ready to take my flight
and end me being lost in the light.

i don't have the courage
to spill my feelings
or even fight for you

but i also don't have the guts
to finally, cowardly,
and undoubtedly give you up

tethering hopelessly,
i am contented to never be,
contented within an arm's length
for i am yours to hold
but you're not mine to own.

Blank space was left
Empty bowl was bereft
Occupied mind is what it was
Numb heart is what it has

Staring
Not thinking
Surviving
Not living

Surrendering
Everything
Surrendering
Nothing

Alive but dead
Covered in red
Slowly flowing
Losing everything

Gaining something
Hearing nothing
Beats gone
It's done

Such a relief
As the thief
Runaway with it
Never again you'll meet

Willingly
You let it be
Finally
You are free.

Save me, please
Drowning from this black sea
Monster clawing inside of me
Dominating my being
Pulling me in his realm
Void of light
Black in sight
There's nothing right
Always night
Where they lurk in the shadows
Disguised as mellow
Be scared when they bellow
Their voices billow
How am I supposed to stay?
I can't even make my way
Up where I'm safe
Up where I'm saved
Will you save me?
Please, I believe in Thee
I know you'll hear me
I'm pleading you
Save me, please

A white paper
Not a single letter
Lies in there
Lies you cover

Heart thumps
Foot stomps
Nervousness
Hide the mess

Truth in dark
Killed the spark
Hope is dead
Life ended

Secret
You kept
How long
You'll live wrong?

You are my salvation
Yet my destruction
Amidst the dark abyss
You are the peace

The touch of your lips
Of your fingertips
Like cannabis
I don't wanna miss

Intoxicating and addicting
Tempting and taunting
Too much for my bidding
Screams danger to my everything

Still, I can't stop
I keep going back
Like magnets do
I can't make it through without you

Though we're opposite
We've got something exquisite
Wanting something I can't have
Loving someone I shouldn't love

Here then gone
Making me undone
Tastes like twilight
Sun losing its bright
Triggers my longing
Still hoping
That in some twisted tale
Our love won't fail
'Cause your kiss, a miracle
Brings me to pinnacle

My first thought in the morning
Last thought in the evening
My dreams at dawn
You crawl into my bones

I hope
This is not just one of your jest
I'm falling to the crest
My insides a mess
But it never made me love you less

You wreak havoc
The moment you walk
And came into my view
Everything's like honeydew
Stammeringly delightful
And I'm stuck trying to keep my cool
Trying to stop the pull
Though I'll be left emptyful
'Cause a death's kiss is the end
End of a beginning
For love not to a friend
But to someone who became my everything.

This universe of ambiguity
brought you to me.
It was the happiest day
as we swim and lay;
along the shore where we
talk about our future earnestly,
of how you’d want me to be
with you and you only mine solely.

Then suddenly,

the storm came violently,
along with our promises,
our vows; the spaces
between us grew.
That’s when I knew,
I’ve lost you.

eyes closed
    entering oblivion
        this is the only
                    time
                      i
           ­       don't want
                          to
escape

Will I just settle
With so little
Little chances
Quick dances
Stolen glances

Seeing you from afar
Bearing the scar
The curse of being away
For not being able to stay
Just whimpering as I lay

A weak heart I have
Closed mouth, my love
Extending my arms
Wishing your warmth
Pulsating like charms
To envelope me
Calming me softly

Hearing you laugh
Guess it's enough
Looking at you smile
And boast your style
Every once in a while
Like the sky, so blue
You're too good to be true

Maybe I can settle
Just being brittle
Asking how you do
Having a little piece of you
Praying that when I see you again
I won't be this BROKEN

i knew it
but still, it hurts
it's the first time
i wish you would've lied to me

Under the haze of reality
"You're lazy"
Echoes in your ears
When everyday
You're worse for wear
Toiling the lands
With your coarse hands,
The callouses so thick
Still you remain meek
Against the landlords
With their noose
Around your neck
Tightening
Gripping
Clenching
Until you can't breathe
Gasping for air


The blood, the sweat
The tears as your eyes wet
They can't see
The struggle
How you juggle
Taking care of the lands
And of the family you left home


When will it be your turn
To be taken care of
By the mother you love so
By the brothers in the capital
Saying we're all equals
As they fool people
With their jargon
With their orders and sections
Rules and regulations
Disguising their intentions
Schemes so evil
People end in peril


When will they give you
Time to rest
Time to voice your distress
Time to stand up for your rights
And finally see the light
Of day
The day you become equal
Not only in mere words
Or campaign spiels
Or posters and flyers
Decaying as they hold power
For years and years
As if you're just a stone
They've stepped on

Dear child, it's time
Time to say enough
Time to call out their bluff
Time to not be afraid
Time to stand up and fight
Dear child, fight for your rights.

for a while there,
i thought you could see---
the shackles on my feet,
the tape on my mouth,
the cloth on my eyes
the truth behind the lies;
the noose on my neck,
the cotton on my ears,
the ropes on my wrists,
the hand pulling the strings.

for a while there,
i almost believed,
but you're just another
false prophet
turning me into a puppet;
using me for your agenda
trapping me into an illusion---
illusion of euphoria.

for a while there,
i thought you could understand:
the truth behind my
coarse hands,
dry throat,
tired eyes,
bulging veins,
hunched back,
parched skin,
pale lips,
and bruised heart,
and shattered pride,
and broken dreams,
and endless tears.

for a while there,
i hoped:
you could listen
as i speak;
you could speak
as i lose my voice;
you could fight
as i lose my courage;
you could upend
the triangle,
as i was stuck scraping
the bottom of the barrel.

sigh---
for a while
there, i saw the sinister
eyes of the bourgeoisie
failing to mask
your avarice,
failing to hide
your dark desires.

for a while
there, i saw the truth
behind your lies:
how you're on the other side
with all the false sympathizers,
mingling with the puppet masters,
holding millions of lives,
toying us in your palms,
treating us as pawns,
as if you are gods
deciding the fate
of us pitiful humans.

for a while
there, i saw it;
the light diminishing,
the shadows expanding,
the hope extinguishing.

for a while
there, i felt it;
the air suffocating,
my body shivering,
the blood flowing
on the ground.

in just a short while,
it ended;
just as how fast
a bullet reaches the head.

it's heaven and hell
and everything in between

i feel so happy, excited, and anxious
on how my emotions, my hopes, and my dreams
delight and torment me
spilling their way towards you

the twinkling of my eyes,
my lips forming a smile
and the rumbling in my stomach
may all be caused by the butterflies
or maybe it was because of anxiety
for i know all too well
that we will always be
impossible.

sometimes i wish we never met
then maybe it wouldn't be this hard to forget
every little thing,
every good morning greeting
etched in my being
caressing my heart
wrenching my gut

we should never have met
maybe then, i wouldn't have things to regret
i would never have been upset
whenever you haven't replied yet

now, sleep even evades me
just thinking you're angry
and i force to repress the hurt
when i picture you with someone
cozying in your arms
or you listening and loving her being whiny
and coaxing her whenever she's sulky

'cause you do all those things with me
so how can i accept it?

the fates are so unfair
catching me unaware
that i have sauntered vaguely downwards
but keep putting me in despair
because i will never be the one
the one you'll honour as your partner
the one you'll stand with at the altar
the one you'll take your vows with
the hand you'll hold on the street
the body you'll hug in your sleep
and the lips that you'll kiss deeply and sweetly

it'll never be me
we can never be
i will just keep longing
forever hoping
that in our next lifetimes
you'll finally be mine
finally, it'll be us always all our days
that despite the circumstances
you'll choose me anyways

these nasty intentions i tried to fight,
every ***** desire that should be kept,
i swear by the gods, must never come to light
chained beneath the depths of my secrets
where it will forever be locked
and imprisoned inside Pandora's box
that not even a glimpse
can be seen within the crevices
that not even my shadow will know
this ache crushing my soul

and with that, i would spend
my whole existence
resisting and indulging
every waking moment
of and with you