i want to love myself
but i don't know how
drifting in and out
     between the reality and my delusions
trying to search for that vigor
that will to be alive—
to be excited of the sunrise
and feel calm
     soaking under the afternoon sun
and love the changing hues
     of the skies at dusk
and wish the moon a good night
     never fearing the dreams to come
then adore the peeking light at dawn
     reflecting the days waiting to be lived

but then it's gone
all that's left was a monotonous black
accompanied by a crippling silence
followed by the surge of doubts
     storming down my confidence
     its lightning striking
as i look into the mirror
     staring at my silhouette
     with its pieces shattering one by one
just as how, piece by piece
     i slipped into the pit
freefalling
and finally losing
     the will i tried so hard to keep
leaving me with nothing
but a void

And then he didn't come back

The summers passed, autumns faded, winters roared, and springs bloomed but he's nowhere to be seen.

As she made her way to the shore, she felt the gentle breeze and the embrace of the waves and as she looked up; she saw the moon alone in the vast nothingness of the sky with no star to keep her company.

She remembered him, thinking that maybe the stars are gone for the moon is too broken and is not as illuminated as it was the first time.

Then she remembered the first time he laid eyes on her. His eyes shone so bright, held much admiration in his gaze that she couldn't understand for she is nothing sort of a goddess the moon had blessed.

None of her poems caught the light and the life in his eyes when they first met: of how it looked silver and storm that reflects his turbulent emotions, of how his eyes reached the depths of her soul with his gaze, of how he saw her as his moon.

None of them could ever describe how his eyes demand to be stared at. None of them.

But then, he was a fleeting light like a poem you will only read once for it is blindingly painful that it hurts looking the second time.

And now, she feels a part of her is missing as she search for the stars up above.

And then she fixed her gaze, closing her eyes to the moon: wishing that when he said "It's because of you." He doesn't mean goodbye. Wishing he doesn't mean she's the reason why he's gone. Wishing that dreams aren't supposed to be just dreams for when they become reality, they take away the magical feeling.

A few tears escaped her closed lids and glistened as they bathe on the light of the moon as she thought of the last poem she'll ever write to him.

And then she finally whispered hoping the wind will bring it to him:

" And maybe,
   paintings and poetry
   couldn't hold a candle
   To every emotion
   we once had.

    You
    hold a key
    when we
    first met.

    I should've known
    that that key
    is not for me

    For I
    was never
    your home. "

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
That's what's inside,
And surprisingly,
It doesn't bother me.

It was:
     Comforting, like the
     Soft waves of the sea,
     Or the gentle breeze of the wind,
     Or the rays of the sun,
     Or even the dimness of the moon.
It touches what's within.
If there's any, that's it.

I'm feeling everything
     That I can't even feel anything
     That I can feel nothing
     Anymore.

How can someone feel so empty
With no particular reason at all?

How can someone cry
     When there's nothing to cry for---
     When there's literally nothing
     Like that someone
     Who is empty to begin with?

Shouldn't someone cry for
What existed and got lost
Not because something doesn't?
Not because of nothing?

Nothing feels RIGHT anymore.
NOTHING feels right anymore.

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
That's what's inside,
Eating the life out of me,
wanting me to cease to exist,
Tearing me from I don't know what.

Is this something you should nurse?
     The pain for it to go away,
     Or for you to be immune with it,
     To be constantly reminded,
     That you're still alive,
     That you're still capable
     Of feeling just anything
     Even if it is painful.

Despite the nothingness
That shades your being,
Despite the tears that came after
That threatened to spill even after
You let them all out;
It just wouldn't stop, would it?
Like how this emptiness can't be filled?

The wind is lucky it has the trees
     That danced with it
     With the daisies swaying
     To the symphony of its existence.

The sun is lucky it has its light
     That shines day and night
     With its rays stretched proudly
     And its warmth embracing thee.

The moon is lucky it has the stars
     Giving company to lonely hearts
     Or longing gazes through the night
     Never minding the light years apart.

The water is lucky it has hydrogen
     And a dose of oxygen
     That it can breathe life
     Calming the storm I'm brewing.

The earth is lucky it has all these
     That made it important
     To everyone's existence
     That it's something
     One can't live
     Without.

When will I be lucky
     When I don't even know
     If I still have my soul;
     When the only thing I know
          Is that I'm becoming a shell
          With nothing inside,
          With a hollow inside,
          Like a huge chunk of me
          Was eaten by
          An endearing, savage, yet
          Eerily silent nothingness.

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
     That's what's inside,
     But it doesn't matter
     Because people don't have the time
     To look past the soul;
     Only the outside---
     The shell of a being I once was.

i don't have the courage
to spill my feelings
or even fight for you

but i also don't have the guts
to finally, cowardly,
and undoubtedly give you up

tethering hopelessly,
i am contented to never be,
contented within an arm's length
for i am yours to hold
but you're not mine to own.

Blank space was left
Empty bowl was bereft
Occupied mind is what it was
Numb heart is what it has

Staring
Not thinking
Surviving
Not living

Surrendering
Everything
Surrendering
Nothing

Alive but dead
Covered in red
Slowly flowing
Losing everything

Gaining something
Hearing nothing
Beats gone
It's done

Such a relief
As the thief
Runaway with it
Never again you'll meet

Willingly
You let it be
Finally
You are free.

A white paper
Not a single letter
Lies in there
Lies you cover

Heart thumps
Foot stomps
Nervousness
Hide the mess

Truth in dark
Killed the spark
Hope is dead
Life ended

Secret
You kept
How long
You'll live wrong?

You are my salvation
Yet my destruction
Amidst the dark abyss
You are the peace

The touch of your lips
Of your fingertips
Like cannabis
I don't wanna miss

Intoxicating and addicting
Tempting and taunting
Too much for my bidding
Screams danger to my everything

Still, I can't stop
I keep going back
Like magnets do
I can't make it through without you

Though we're opposite
We've got something exquisite
Wanting something I can't have
Loving someone I shouldn't love

Here then gone
Making me undone
Tastes like twilight
Sun losing its bright
Triggers my longing
Still hoping
That in some twisted tale
Our love won't fail
'Cause your kiss, a miracle
Brings me to pinnacle

My first thought in the morning
Last thought in the evening
My dreams at dawn
You crawl into my bones

I hope
This is not just one of your jest
I'm falling to the crest
My insides a mess
But it never made me love you less

You wreak havoc
The moment you walk
And came into my view
Everything's like honeydew
Stammeringly delightful
And I'm stuck trying to keep my cool
Trying to stop the pull
Though I'll be left emptyful
'Cause a death's kiss is the end
End of a beginning
For love not to a friend
But to someone who became my everything.

eyes closed
    entering oblivion
        this is the only
                    time
                      i
           ­       don't want
                          to
escape

Under the haze of reality
"You're lazy"
Echoes in your ears
When everyday
You're worse for wear
Toiling the lands
With your coarse hands,
The callouses so thick
Still you remain meek
Against the landlords
With their noose
Around your neck
Tightening
Gripping
Clenching
Until you can't breathe
Gasping for air


The blood, the sweat
The tears as your eyes wet
They can't see
The struggle
How you juggle
Taking care of the lands
And of the family you left home


When will it be your turn
To be taken care of
By the mother you love so
By the brothers in the capital
Saying we're all equals
As they fool people
With their jargon
With their orders and sections
Rules and regulations
Disguising their intentions
Schemes so evil
People end in peril


When will they give you
Time to rest
Time to voice your distress
Time to stand up for your rights
And finally see the light
Of day
The day you become equal
Not only in mere words
Or campaign spiels
Or posters and flyers
Decaying as they hold power
For years and years
As if you're just a stone
They've stepped on

Dear child, it's time
Time to say enough
Time to call out their bluff
Time to not be afraid
Time to stand up and fight
Dear child, fight for your rights.

the fates are so unfair
catching me unaware
that i have sauntered vaguely downwards
but keep putting me in despair
because i will never be the one
the one you'll honour as your partner
the one you'll stand with at the altar
the one you'll take your vows with
the hand you'll hold on the street
the body you'll hug in your sleep
and the lips that you'll kiss deeply and sweetly

it'll never be me
we can never be
i will just keep longing
forever hoping
that in our next lifetimes
you'll finally be mine
finally, it'll be us always all our days
that despite the circumstances
you'll choose me anyways