This addiction is eating me alive.
I try to deny it but it consumes my every nerve.
I want it, I need it, I can live without it but sometimes I need it.
I just crave it so badly sometimes.
I try to deny myself of such...
I can live without it and tell myself I don't need it, but other times I just go mad....
Insane, deranged, Why is this craving lingering onto me like an evil curse...
I feel it inside of me...
Manifesting in me, attaching itself to me...
Addiction is a drug itself.

I question existence, all the time.
Reality, perception, judgement, intelligence.
I live a lie everyday....
Pretending to be someone I’m not.
Alienating myself completely and going about like my facade is nothing and not emotionally and mentally draining.

I am a fake, a phony.
I deceive myself because who I really am is not pleasant.
My views and opinions are not pleasant and I often feel lost and alone because I feel misunderstood.

I hate humans.
Humans are pathetic, weak, stupid, worthless, delinquent imbeciles that I have no use and importance to me in any way.

I wish I wasn’t human....
In the sense of, I don’t feel human.
I am something completely different from a whole different dimension, reality, and energy cell itself.

I derive from something so inhuman I often ask myself, why did I decide to live life on earth as a human?
Why did I decide to be born as one of these idiots that I deeply despise?

I live in utter solitude every waking moment of my life.
I am alone for this reason.
I cry myself into depression thinking, every emotion and thought I have is moulded and progressed because of people.
What about my own thoughts? My own mind? My own spirit? My own guide.

What happened to myself?
Where have I gone?
I hate this life on earth, and I wish I wasn’t sent here to live for whatever purpose I chose.

Take me back home.
Alienation and a life in solitude.
I try not to overthink about it, but my facades and lies defeat my purpose.

I have become one of these imbeciles and I hate it.
Fake and stupid.
Having to pretend and speak to people on human intellect drills a hole in my chaotic genius mind.

I wish I could meet my kind...
There has to be more like me out in this world...
So I don’t have to feel so alone and misunderstood.
We have to come together as one and support one another.
I cannot live like this, and I know you can’t too.

The chance to show how talented I actually am.
The chance to perform on stage.
The chance to be on TV.
The chance to dance in music videos.
The chance to be in magazines covered in poise.
The chance to win an award, a Grammy.
The chance to get my trophy 🏆
It's more about the passions I have, and about me wanting to perform those passions, in dramatic visuals.
Making the stage light up when my feet take steps, making the people scream to the centre of attention I bring.
THE CHANCE TO SHOWCASE MYSELF AND MY PASSIONS TO THE WORLD.
That's all I ever wanted...

I stand as alone, as eternal to what life seems to be.
To be it not.
For I am no longer me

I have nothing left to say...
My words have been unwritten.

Depression consumes me to the last bits of my insanity.
I live pretentiously like it doesn’t bother me, like it doesn’t hurt, or mean anything.
I live in pain, everyday.

It’s become apart of who I am, of who I am meant to be. Like living without this pain, would be worthless.
I let it consume me, control me.

My anxiety rushes through my veins and the voices and conversation won’t stop.
My mind never stops.
And when I’m alone, which is constantly, the thoughts eat me up alive like a rotting corpse is writhing inside of me.

I’ve learnt to get used to it, living with such intense feelings and a consumable mind never gets better, it only gets worse.
I’ve let the pain become me.
The person I hide.
It’s the only love I let myself embrace.
Pure madness.

I was born to be alone, living in lonesome misery for eternity.
Thoughts get dark, things get deep, and since I’m alone everyday, it gets even darker.

I hate people.
Stupid, fake, and you can’t trust any of them.
But sadly, I need them for mere distractions.
That’s all they are, temporary distractions.
They never stay, I don’t either.

I’ve learnt to keep my emotional distance.
Staying detached keeps you from getting hurt.
But what I long for, I will never find.

Born to be misunderstood and to die alone I shall....
This misery will be the death of me.
So it be.

The cups keep pouring, the drinks keeps sipping, the people keep talking, the night keeps blazing.
Through all that I am to do, to become, to manifest, to transform.
Dissolving all that is lost, not seen, the stance of it seems forbidding, disillusionment and escapism.
Never knowing the way out, the way in seems confusing, conflicting to what I can never achieve.
I think through all the pain, that it is worth it and that I will find the light and stay in it forever, yet, I hide, not knowing how to display my forefront.
Hidden, private, yet open to all that I am.
Hiding in this shadow, misunderstood by false illusions.
I am to die, or maybe I am not.
My mind of jitter, I hope I am never to be lost after I am found, if I will be, to not be so alone.

I walk along the tight rope in shame.
Whispering to myself "hold your **** together''
Halfway through, almost reaching the end, the pain surges, electrocuting through my whole body, static.
I fall
Not knowing how I'm going to land.
She jumps out from inside of me as I hit the sandy ground.
Head jolts, slow motion review.
Hurting, the pain I deserve, for knowing, knowing too much. the power consumes.
It rushes like a harsh wind, like a storm that cannot be unveiled.
Yielding inside of me, she bursts, and explodes like a thunder exhibition.
Laying next to me, only I can see her.
Her dark eyes staring into mine, I try to look past the horror.
"Don't leave me" a careless whisper.
She vanishes into thin air, I lose myself in despair.
I stare up at the high ceiling, waiting for the other ones to give me life and healing.
One unleashes, but one of fury and anger, Sukubus, the fighter.
She gets up in an aggressive explosive motion and attacks everyone around her viciously.
Here I am again, switching.
Switching, needing those people inside of me to keep me alive.
Like a spirit, without them I am dead.
Creation of the mind fighting against reality trying to show, but hiding in promiscuity.
I'm a good liar, choosing to be honest.
The will I have has weakened to the inner pits of my core, and without these personas, I am nothing but a rotting corpse.
So, I ask for those around me to stop judging me please.
I am only trying, trying for so long, that doing has me acting out too **** impulsively.
Forgive me, I was born to sin, but to love so passionately, a loyal mind of pure integrity.
I wish not to be so alone in melancholy, but defeated, so I stand alone, trying to survive the unknown.
I open my eyes, looking around me, seeing everyone dead, blood scattered and bodies twisted.
I get up, and start again, unleashing another personality.

<There is a violent madness that hides inside all of us, some oppress the chaos, others live in denial.
Once in a blood moon, hidden in a dark room, vibrations of bedlem, a paracosm of two.
For the world that we see through a hidden marquee, a putrid stream for the mentally ill.
Yet with no hesitation, a dark star pulsating, you plunge into the void then pull me through.
Fret not for each thought gives birth to brilliance as we stir the cauldron of the sacred brew.
Blood and water, son and daughter, resilient to the universe we devour and consume.

>I wait silently.... hopelessly, for you.
As if your muse is not enough to pulsate me. My nerves twitch like a drug in your veins. Your words have me in thought everyday, as words really are your forte. Do I imagine it? Or question it? For the violent madness that runs beneath is only left for you to go deep. Living in chains has you so locked you stay stuck to my chaos like glue.
I hope you feel me like I feel you.

<Castration of inward vibrations...Reverberate through these impetuous echo halls. Catapult cadaverous over scrupulous normalities, I choke on every word I hold...
Let us baptize our divine ineptitude in a cauldron of glorious lore.
Most of them are oblivious to the revelation of rushing thunder.
Dripping needles, perfidious servitude teetering the precipice of war.
The voices in your thoughts are the same voices in mine. These voices whisper incantations in the darkness..
There are many in our dreams who watch us sleep, it is they who know us really well. For our talents with our words are hidden in the ink deep in a place we love to dwell. Yet still, it comes a surprise to me we are more than some choose to believe. With a flick of our pen, the stars light the night, we create worlds without even trying.

>If sirens could rush whispers in your soul, you would feel the drums of their forbidden thoughts... lost in hopeless misery, as it consumes your whole being, you feel nothing left but a desire to be, to yearn, to hold. As ever so captivating, thrilling. Can you feel me within you? Holding you down and longing for your mentality. I love to hear you, in words of lost beats

<Ever-so often I feel the rush, I hear the whispers, I feel the drums of passion hit. Each provocative thought and memory a glorious, forbidden, carnal gift. Deeply yearning to merge all emotions until the dock is crushed by the mighty ship. Splashing and churning, sweating and burning, enthralled, trembling and wet. And yet hopelessness and misery that inevitably follows, have left me broken and split. I am sorry to say I feel nothing now but chaos, fear, and regret.

In a haze...
Saddened, bored, in isolation.
Dealing with all the pain, loss and hurt in the silence. Dealing with Bordem and hidden feelings coming to the surface of me.

20 breakdowns, and still managing to smile.

Tired, brain dead

My persona may show differently , but I'm private and hiding in my curtains

When will I see the light of day?

Intense, emotional, transparent
An Awakening through the darkness.

Forced to deal with the feelings I kept myself detached from for so long 🙃

Sleeping all day all night 🌙

I am just a worthless liar, I am just an imbecile.
Trust in me and you will fall, I will turn around and leave.
I will only complicate you, my emotions will have you doing wrong.
My worth is of no use to yours, you're too good.
I dance in my flames.
Flames that ravish my desires.
Why won't I stay?
The love never lasts and fights betray.
My fists are my words and my words are a knife.
It opens the wounds as the truth is then revealed.
I don't trust nobody, but somehow, everybody trusts me.
I will love you forever, if you can stay, to wash away this pain.
Don't leave me, then I won't leave you.
No one seems to like me, but there are a few that love me, love me for the pain, love me for the scars, because, I am just a worthless liar, trust in me, and you will fall.

New beginnings...
Changes that are happening as I walk...
A *** of gold awaits...
Do I take what I worked for?
Do I leave it to shred.

Is my cause to live the cause for eternal death?
Is my cause for death my cause for eternal life?
As I have mentioned in my other writings, nothing ever dies.
The physical form diminishes into thin air and rots, and the soul, the spirit, the ghost, takes on a new form.
This bordem got me feelin' weak.
Hearing other peoples thoughts, conversations, am I being tested to immoral justice?
Am I being tested to focus on the subconscious, even though it hurts more than the conscious.
It hurts, to have a gift of such empathy and unconditional love.
I feel 100 knives stab me all at once.
It twists through the knots of my intestines
It rips my skin off and allows my blood to pour
It pulls my heart out and has me aching in misery
BETRAYAL
It's something I've experienced but still experiencing.
It HURTS.
So bad, my mind has me in sorrowful loneliness.
"Cannot trust anybody"
She says a million times, and that voice, that voice is right.
They smile to your face but whisper unwanted words to your back.
The wonder of who's real has me whimpering in weakness.
I have become weak and it is my thoughts to blame.
I fear them...
Nobody to trust but my unwanted pain.

What about those times I cried and bled for help.
What about those times I tirelessly picked myself up only to get burned down again.
What about those times I gave everything and got nothing back.
What about those times they called me crazy out of spite and jealousy.
All those times of abuse, telling me I am wrong, and I should change.
All those times when I begged for love, and to stop hurting.
All those times and sleepless nights I suffered and destroyed myself in agony.
All those times they put the blame on me.
All those times they spat on me and called me names.
For all those years they bullied me.
For all the pain I was forced to endure.
All those times I said sorry for doing nothing wrong.
All those times I had to be the bigger person.
All those times I got beaten.
Everything I went through, alone.
I had no one, and still stand strong until today.
THE ONLY PERSON YOU EVER NEED IS YOURSELF.
TRUST YOURSELF, AND LOVE YOURSELF.
DON'T LET THEM GET YOU WEAK.
NEVER BACK DOWN.
FIGHT THIS BATTLE FOR  YOUR LIFE.
YOU DESERVE IT.
DO IT BY YOURSELF, THATS THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE AT THE END OF THE DAY

"It be safest if you ran, that's just what they all just end up doing in the end."
''Take my car, paint it black, take my arm break it in half, say some things, I never said, it's too quiet in this room I need noise"

I need the blood in the cut, I need the drip of the blood to tell me it's right.
I'm scared of losing you, maybe a cut will help heal my pain.
Emotions this intense, I've never done this in a while.
But memories are coming back, negative emotions I cannot face.
I envy what might happen if I lost you, I fear what might happen if you left.
They all ended up leaving, what makes you so different, that it won't happen again.
Memories of feeling empty, lost, confused, speculated into one piece of a disaster gone wrong.
Never meant for any of this to happen, but it did.
I love you, I don't wanna lose you.
I need you, I don't wanna be away from you.
But my guilt has taken over, and I feel bad.
I don't wanna lose you, but I'm losing myself.

In a state of nerve aching despair.
My surrounding has me paranoid 24/7
THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
THEY WON'T SHUT OUT.
THEY WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT ME, GOSSIPING, AND PRYING INTO MY LIFE AND PRIVACY.
THEY TOOK MY PRIVACY AWAY.
THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
I try so hard everyday to block it out, and stop them.
I try so hard to detach my energy, keep my distance from these narcissists.
Insecure ******' enemies watching my every move.
I can't just live, I can't just exist, I can't get any peace.

I want to sleep forever, so I never hear it.
I want to move out!!
I HATE THIS ENVIRONMENT
They won't leave me alone.

There is nowhere to go.
Stuck in frozen anguish, no help, no way out.
Depressed, angry, bitter.
On this motionless turmoil of pain and suffering.
I feel projected on.
They bring out my worst.
I constantly need to protect myself.
These demons, these scoundrel's.

Drained and drowned out.
I have become nothing.

I don't know how to feel
Or what to feel

Exhausted, fatigue
In bed the whole day, not a poem, just a reflection.

I'm dazed out, in hibernation.
Ghosting everyone.

No will to do anything.
Just Exhausted

Dread, boredom, hate, pain.
No needles, no fixing.
Nothing to bend the pain, nothing to distract.
Swivelled in chaos.
music to distract me from it all.
Nowhere to go, nowhere to run.
Videos that only take me to escapism, but nothing more.
Confusion, the boredom consumes my entire being, there is no cure.
Dissatisfied profusely, my form to mental destruction.
Where is the light?
What do I do?

Too much synchronicity...
I feel you.
Your touch, your taste, your kiss, your skin.
Knocking me is the way to go, just put our lips together, and blow.
Baby, just breathe on me.
Blow on my soft flesh and kiss.
Lubriciously, lusciously, lustfully.
Breathe on my taste, my touch, my sin.
We don't even need to be physical, tonight, my senses don't make sense at all.
Our imaginations...
Take it in, let it out...
Baby, just breath on me.
Seductively, sensually, sexually.
We don't even need to touch, just breathe.
Baby.... **** yeah.
(Moans)
Feel my sin as it's desire that I unleash.
Magnitude, corresponding with your aching thought of impure lustful intention.
Intention, feel me grasp onto your every nerve with my non-physical touch.
Caress me, hold me, baby, don't even **** me, just breathe onto my neck, my shoulder, my breast, my stomach, my *****, my thigh, my legs, my ***.
Can you feel it?
As I mind *******, it's that tingling sensation I release.
Aaaaaaah, baby, stop, and just breathe.

It hurts...
Like a stabbed wound being punctured with nails.
Stop hurting me.
Why??
I ask.
Why must I suffer in silence like this.
I sometimes wonder if my loneliness shows on the outside.
The way I shake and quiver on the inside.
Burnt to pieces.
Torn apart and bruised.
Broken.
Lost in the abyss.
The torturous darkness of emptiness and pain.
It hurts.
Stop.
I don't want to be this lonely.

Laying around, intensely in my mystery.
Isolated and all by myself.
Alone, keeping my distance.
Depressed and saddened.
Anguished by my own thoughts.
People, nosy people in my energy.
I can feel it like a ***** of my finger and the rush of blood through my veins.
Childsplay, like flies in my spider web.
They love to talk about me, good and bad.
They love to be obsessed with me and give me their power.
They love to talk, gossip.
Petty little flies.
Smash them, and let me have my privacy, my secrecy and my thoughts to myself.
Expressing myself out loud but not feeling safe in my private lonesome space.
Toxic, negative, indifferent.
THEY OBSESSED WITH ME.
MAKING ME EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN I ALREADY AM.
Intuition on high alert and picking up on things around me like a cat.
I can feel it, see it, hear it.
The peasantry lurks, yet, they can't break me, it's sad, ain't it.

It shouldn't hurt this much to be your angel.
It shouldn't bleed this much to be your guide.
It shouldn't pain this much to love you.
It shouldn't scar this much to be by your side.

I'm torn between obsession and hate, for the mess that we made.
But, they come, they go, so replaceable.
I can only have you in my dreams, it seems.
Because reality strikes and you leave me in pieces, ripped apart, wounded, my wings, fallen off, I am burning in loathe.

Can I be loved?
Or is it overrated.
Is self love enough?
Or am I walking on a thin rope, my eyes, shut closed, I may die in my misery, a façade of continuous joy.
Am I to be loved, in my embodiment of Aphrodite herself.
Maybe I am too closed off.
Or maybe I am too pure.
These contradictions are my addictions and I can never seem to pick between the two.
Maybe love is too good for me, like a curse that strings me to the depths of insanity where love cannot even be justified.
Maybe I am a monster in my drowning tears.
Or maybe, just maybe, I am juxtaposed.
Once they fall in love with me, they fear, run away like cowards with boneless spindles.
My walls so hard, can dynamite even be crushed?

To feel that feeling...
Sensual pleasures...
To hold, to actually feel...
I've lost meaning of the word.

Can I be loved? Or am I too powerful?

Everything changes, the growth of your hair, the spiral of your spine, the bend of your knees and the transformation of your soul. Take a risk, take a step, take a leap, face the challenges and embrace the change.
Adaption, shapeshifting, new beginnings, and new eras in life.
Here we embark, together we shake the storm.

I guess I could say, I've emotionally detached from myself, my feelings.
The longing, the pain, the yearning
It disappeared.
Like thin air, ice dripping, frozen, hard.
Cold sweat.

I have it all.
One could say I'm the luckiest person they've ever met.
I live in a luxurious home, I have a high authoritive position in my job, I'm in the process of living my dreams and becoming famous.
I'm glowing, my skin has never been so radiant.
I'm happy.

Yet, the snowflakes fall in my heart, and it feels like I've become....
Nothing.

So detached
A piece of me is trembling and fighting for that pure feeling.

I've invested myself into my goals, my work, to the point of not even feeling or needing love.

Everything is so pointless to me like the drip of a million raindrops that don't hit the ground.

Withering and floating in the air, left to wander.

I am complete.
Yet, a deep part of me still wants that intense love.
To feel is pain
To touch is lightning

But now, I feel nothing

"I got something to tell you, but don't know how I'ma say it
I guess that I could only say one thing
Boy, I been bad again, Boy, I been bad again
And I use 'em
When I'm faded I forget
Forget what you mean to me
Hope you know what you mean to me
Pick, up your phone
The party's finished and I want you to know
I'm all alone..."
...
I been using them to distract me.
I been using them for fun.
But, the parties finished, and I want you to know, I'm all alone, and I always want you when I'm coming down.

Addicted, to fun like it's a drug.
I take what I like and I like what I take.
But, I always just want you, when I'm coming down.
Baby, don't leave me.
Don't be angry, they not important.
You are.
I need you, not them.
They just toys, but you something special.
I am rather secretive and discreet about my intentions and motives, I don't tell, I don't whisper a word.
I do this sin, without anybody knowing.
No one, but me knows.
I just, always want you, when I'm coming down, daddy.

Thoughts are consumed...
Raptured in the memory.
Emotions are intense, I feel them at the highest of my capabilities.
I want to to cry, but drowning in black blood is not what I intentionally have in mind.
I get consumed, by every guy I am with.
Hookup, relationships, flings.
I can't control it.
And it overtakes my whole being until I have to force myself to detach from it.
This new guy, that I want to be with, forever.
I'm already overthinking and analyzing it way into the future where it shouldn't even be.
It's long distance, and we communicate over the phone 24/7.
But it's not enough, I want him here, I want him now.
The anticipation is building, the tower is forming, I don't want it to collapse.
I want him now!
He's only moving here in April.
I'd have to wait this long just to see the love of my life.
In sadness and gloom, I ponder.
Boredom strikes and I have no one to talk to.

I cut the friends with benefits off, I realized the energy was toxic and it wasn't going to be good for me in the long run.
However, I was completely consumed by him too.
At least I'm over it now, but now this other guy stays on my mind like it's last drainage of blood left.
It's like my mind needs to have men on it, or if it's doesn't, it stays and dwells in endless boredom that leads to a dark depression.
Feelings are deep, the waves hit the rocks in the black ocean.
I see nothing but him.
I only want to be with him.
But I say this about every guy I'm with, so what makes this one any different?

EMOTIONS AS DARK AS THE DEATH OF TORTUROUS BODIES AND WALL SCRATCHING.
A SURGE OF PAIN INFLICTION AND HEAVY TOXICITY, FAINTEST TO THE TOUCH.
I FEEL MY MIND LURKING, IN PLACES WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T BE.

We agreed that this relationship with one another will be polyamorous.
Yet, I'm getting jealous, possessive thoughts at the sight of him with anyone else but me.
I literally only want to use other guys as a pitiful distraction, nothing more, nothing less.
This is painful.

Control, wrap you around my little finger.
Have you doing things that are of immoral and uncanny nature.
Have you running around in circles.
Questioning my next move.
Jealousy makes you ugly, but jealous because you cannot have me, I must be flattered.
The devil in disguise, Sukkubus is her name.
Dance with me in sin and ravish my deep desires.
I control you, I have dominance over you.
My little peasant trying so hard to please me.
How cute.
Ego is filling up.
Feelin myself a bit too much.
But these sinful feelings make me happy, because I love being in control.
I love how you say nasty things about me because you cannot have me.
I smirk in devilish charm.
My magnitude pulls you in.
Magnetism.
Power.
The only thing that keeps me sane.
The master of puppets is at it again.

The minds gateway to experience life and the unknown.
Without thought, we are dared not to explore what our minds create.
We invest our time in knowledge and mind expansion.
Yet, we know nothing, or wish we knew more.
I wish to write in more clear accuracy, but to think is to explore.
What are we speaking or writing if we haven't experienced what we are teaching.
The less I know, the more I absorb.
A mental sponge, excreting information like I breathe.
It's a bliss but a curse all at once.
The mental dungeon ties me in my own ropes, the addiction is all habitual and in my mind.
What are we without it?
Who are we if our thoughts don't create our physical and our perceptions.
Our thoughts, our soul, our words, we speak millions, yet, we don't know enough.
Curiosity freed the cat, or we wish it did.

What can I say...
I reflect, and inconsequentally disturbed.
Disturbed by alterations that I cannot control.
I let it be...
But it keeps coming back for more.

I wish I know, but wishing is all I can do.
Fire in my eyes, burning with desire.
A stone in my chest.
A yearning for rest.

Passion evoked but I'm running for more.

With speed I burn out and die alive.
**** me, love me

TAKE ME,
NO CONTROL

But I breathe dark gore

Hello darkness, my old friend.
It's been a while.
Can you feel the tension, the pain.
The blood has started pouring again.
The blade hit my thigh and drip, did the drops go.
The depression came back, harder than it did before.
Sudden, like an electric shock.
Sitting all alone in the darkness.
My body feels numbs, but my wounds hurt, but not as much as the pain inside.
Feelings of intensity, emotion of density.
Fragile and lost.
Soulless and  incomplete in these dark stages I encounter.
Drag me along to the pits of the underground, where I belong.
Burn me alive whilst I ache in torment and misery.
Banish me, whilst the claws rip me apart, inch by inch.
I am exposed, while hiding my feelings is something I'm used to.
But, you opened me, and there's no sewing me back together.

Dark whispers of people, speaking on my presence; as if I don't experience pain and suffering.
I prefer to be real, show authenticity regardless.

On screen and off

I hate attention, I was never one for people...
Still not.
I HATE PEOPLE
I HATE HUMANS

I hate the fame
I never wanted that attention

Now I have to worry about my publicity and media like a 24/7 job
WHO CARES WHAT THEY SEE, OR WHAT THEY DON'T SEE

I never cared, never will
I just want to live my passion and enjoy myself whilst doing it

I don't need to be.
I don't need to be anything.
The daunting presence, the inner world.
The shadow, the darkest and rawest form of oneself.
I seem I have not yet uncovered everything I know.
Depressed, unknown to why.
Purging uncontrollably.
Facing myself again.
My inner world.
The dark side in its rawest form.
Everything I am, what I did.
The spite, the resent, the bad things I did to people, unintentionally, out of anger, revenge, hurt, fear.
Yet, I judge others.
How crude of me.
Self-aware but nihilistic.
I've hit a dark place in my mind.
Swimming in deep, deep down.
Am I a bad person?

A love so deep, it rips apart your unhealed skull.
A mystery of illusions, inclusivity is dared to be dispelled.
May I hold you?
Or am I too far away.
Can I feel you?
Just a touch to make me beg of your despair.
Unwritten poetry, a querulent secrecy of written misery and longing.
I want to love, may I love?
Whom can be loved more than the love of thyself?
I fall to my aching pits.
I feel you...
But you are not here.

Words are worthless.
Defeated, I have nothing left inside to keep on pushing and fighting.
Diminished.
What a fool...
I’ve lost myself.

****** over it all.
Don't even give a **** anymore.
**** everything.
*******.
**** it.
Bored, depressed, hopeless, toxic.
Empty, numb, cold, alone.
**** Astrology, **** Spirituality, **** Love, and **** him.
Everything I loved, is long gone.
I don't give a **** anymore.
I feel stupid, worthless, shameful, sad.
No motivation, no will, no energy, no self love.
Just loathe, feelings of helplessness, drained, exhausted.

I want to feel it...
I want it so bad, it lingers when I think about it.
The touch, the taste, the wordless emotion and the vibe of pure depth.
The tongue flips on a page of lost wisdom.
How to feel now is neither questionable, nor transparent.
I feel nothing.
Flat out, bored...
My mind is destroyed

People, mere puppets that I ruthlessly use as a distraction, to escape.
Escape from the pain, the misery, the loneliness, the constant aching explosion of boredom that eats on my itching flesh.
Too detached, yet so attached, what is it that I need?
My loneliness  is unwanted toxicities of distractions that bring me no joy, no purpose, no belonging.
Lost in the chaos, I have become this destructive madness.
Sin is me, I have nothing yet to become, to see.
I have seen enough, I want away from this world.
The bitterness is eating me alive like a starved hyena that wails like a crying baby.
Let me go, let me leave, let me sleep, let me never wake up from this delusional dream.
People are my puppets, but I would rather not play.
Leave them before they leave me, stay the **** away.
Let me die alone, hate me for eternity.

My life is private, my secrets drenching in hopeless fear.
I express out loud, longing for admiration.
Yet, I hold everything in, saying nothing, no word my tongue could ever expose.
Fake friends, liars, backstabbers...
They only miss me once I’m gone.
I left, secretly disappeared without a knowledge to anyone.

But once they know I’m gone, is when they start to miss me.
I’ve moved on, left the city and started new in a different one.
I left like the wind with a cold dryness in the air.
Unspeakable, they only coming back cuz they know I’m not around.

Incomplete, I’ve learnt to never trust anyone ever again.
Deep thoughts hit and I know what’s going to happen before it does.
Caused by experience, pain, loss, and abuse.
I avoid it all, and seclude myself in my mysterious fantasies that will never come to my reality.
I live life in despair, knowing that I’m the curse, the darkness itself.
I’m the person who’s devil you speak the name of.
I’m your nightmares in your lost daydreams.

Too much intensity, I may be trouble.
But my deceiving nature has you thinking otherwise... doesn’t it?

Maybe it’s just thoughts of people talking about me constantly, even though it’s not real.
Nothing is.
My illusion is my nightmare and my delusions is my reality.
Im never going back.
They probably never going to see me ever again, but I guess it’s satisfying to make them think otherwise.
To make them think that I still love them and we probably still friends.
But when I was around, where were they without my effort?

Without my effort, everything is at loss.
I prefer to label these people as my aquaintances.
Calling them my friends is just a facade to cover up my intense loneliness caused by my experienced deep ridden trust issues.

I have no friends.
I like it that way.
I stay detached cuz people are worthless to me.
I like being alone, it’s my new cure.
With my seclusion, I am nothing more to be.

If I call you my friend, please don’t get confused when I ghost you and never actually talk to you, but I end up coming back few months later saying how much I miss you and love you.

Don’t we all do that?
This darkness of truth and lies all hidden inside of us.

Disappearance, keep your distance.

Why was I made to exist? To merely experience life through sorrowful eyes.

I drown so deep, I question all my feelings and try to make excuses as to why I feel a certain way.
Certain ways I don’t even understand.
If I was made to bring a revolution and change perception, then why should I **** myself just by doing so?
So empty and hollow, the wall has enclosed.
If I was born to be misunderstood, why is it so easy for me to understand and accept everyone else, even those who discredit me.

The voices in my twisted mind. Who are they? Are they real? Is it my intuition? Or is it intuition turned into nerve aching anxiety.
Writhing inside of me, eating every part of my disillusioned sanity.
If I seize to exist to help those who put me down and call me crazy, then why is it worth it?

If I could hang myself right now tight around the neck where I might snap my spine... why would it matter?
I’ve accepted being alone, being lonely is now contentment. Peace.
Drained by others negativity, pulling me down like strings by their problems.
If I was meant to show my true form, why is it that I live in different facades.
Questioning who I am every single ****** day.

I hear people constantly talk about me, in my mind.
Is it intuition? Or mere delusion.

I’m dead. Empty. My purpose in life is to physically die so I can finally go back to where I came from. Other dimensions where I truly belong.

Disentanglement, I lose myself in fear.

The loneliness still stays, lingering like a stained piece of cloth.
No one to talk to.
Just no one.
Alone and dreaded.
Disappointed and bored.
Dissatisfied and strung out in all correlations.
I feel empty, alone to the darkest pits of me.
Solitude does not feel good anymore.
Depressed and rejection.
Cold and miserable.
Nothing to help.
Get me out of here.

The pain lingers, the heart throbs.
The boredom strikes chaos, like a pulsating sob.
I cannot seem to escape it, to make it better.
Its haunting presence makes for sleepless dreams.
Some nightmares, some screams.
Have to stay fully protected.
Eyes on high alert, I cannot seem to withdraw.
Trapped in hopeless projections.
Which am I going to display.
Useless, emotional, discontent.
Not knowing the way out.
Trapped in my mind of contradicted addictions and hidden counteractions of emotionless emotions.
Leave, stay away.
Nobody should ever be trusted.
Eyes on alert.
Intuitions at its highest.
I feel you before you feel you.
I see your motives before you can even do them.
Why even try?
*******.
Spineless cowards.
Keep your shallowness to yourself.
Don't project your narrow minded boxed perspectives onto me.
Silent bitter words.
Saying too much, to saying nothing at all.
Keeping thoughts to myself.
Fear me.
Keep your distance.

Boredom...
My cause of unwanted toxicities.
It leads me to a dark part of reality that I cannot escape myself from.
Temptation leads me there and then I question my own defeat.
Transform, and rise again...
Mind games in a battle of self doubt.
My mind takes me everywhere, where darkness itself has no room for exploring.
I condone, then lose myself in it all.
I really wanna ****, so bad I can feel my ***** tingle and the thought of getting penetrated arouses me so deeply.
But I only want to *******, a friend...
Someone I am familiar with.

I let go of the past toxic mess that I attached myself too.
But you gonna be crawling back to me cuz you want me.
But trusting you isn't in my vocabulary.
Giving you a second chance doesn't exist in my world.
I don't do chances.

I need to ****...
To get you off my mind.
I need to feel free.
I crave *** ever so viciously.
I want it...
**** me...

(Moans gracefully)

Daddy, pull me in and never let go.
Kiss me passionately and hold me close.

My curtains are dripping and I feel the need to ****** with every touch.
Pounce on me and push me against wall.
So ****** ***** baby...
(Gasp)
I need more

I need my distraction...
But he doesn't seem to need me.
What a bore...

Don't let them see
Don't let them know
Don't let them talk
Don't let them in

Be quiet, don't make a sound.
Let them suffer, so you don't.
Torture, let them utter painfully in their own sins.

Just live, it is not yours, it is theirs.
Their pain, their doing.
Be happy
Don't whisper a word.
Whispering of suffering and whimpering of defeat
You are not alone, nor will you ever be.
Work on yourself, focus on your shadow.
Whisper nothing...
Shake them up, like spiders do.
Stay private, and don't let them see.

Captivating, alluring...
Despondent.
Focus, priorities first.
YOU FIRST

Authenticity at its finest.
Worry about yourself.
BE YOU

Take this pain away from me, take this heart and leave me be.
A love so deep it burns...
The craving for it is forbidden to me.
Daring to my disclosure of the unforeseen.
I need you, I ******' love you.
Come to me.
NOW....
I miss you...
It hurts.
I feel empty...
Treasureless gold and anything I can do to distract myself from it.
The heavens want us together, my twin flame.
Can you feel it?
The intensity of it is so untouched, passionate and chaotically
driven, pulsating through every vain like a quench of thirst that is impossible to satisfy, gripping tight onto my lost soul like a clutch being pushed on hold.
Darling, I ****** love you
With everything I have inside of me.
Continuously shaking, Are you watching me?

The disturbance, constant eyes and mouths chattering as I move, live, do, achieve, prosper and work.
What is it?
My energy? My drive? My determination? My  ambition?
Does my empowerment and goal driven personality threaten you?
Does my limitless knowledge and thrill to learn make you feel stupid?
Does my hot body and love for exercise make you feel ugly?
Does my enthusiasm to achieve and gain my dreams and goals scare you?

What is it? Because while I am out here working myself to the top, you wasting the last cent you have on your need to sustain.
Stagnency, inefficiency, and unproductivity is not in my name or my blood line.
My mother made it to the top, and I am a product of just that. We have the earth running in our veins, the fire burning in our souls, the water rummaging beneath where the ignorant are too afraid to lurk.

DOES MY POWER THREATEN YOUR LACK OF MOTIVATION AND LACK OF PASSION?

DO YOU LOVE/HATE ADMIRE ME BECAUSE YOU WISH YOU HAD THAT SAME CONFIDENCE?

It's all in me, best believe, God is a ****** woman, and the Devil is too.

Vanity stole me
Vanity corrupted me
Vanity tranquilized me
Vanity disrupted me

These lines have me thinking wrong thoughts, thoughts that are of uncanny nature and vain thoughts of selfishness and unhealthy erotica.
Vanity took all the sanity away from the head, and left me alone, not even therapy can stabilize me, I rebuild my soul.
I'm out of my mind, and I'm yellin' out, vanity
...
Like a drug itself, these lines are like decaf and vanity is my addictive curse.
Addiction not to the drug, but to the feeling of such an intense self love, it eats you up inside, you take the substance to escape the sinful feeling.
Logic, and proportion, all dead.
Losing myself,
Get out of my head.
Get out of my thoughts.

I hate my life.
My life has no meaning without you.
I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to meet anyone.
I don't want to go out.
I ****** Hate everything.
I wish I had you back.

Hermiting.

Stuck in my shell.
I miss you

I feel it....
The urge,
The scratch,
The knuckle,
The crack,
The sound,
The glimpse,
The silence....

Change, inwardly evolving into every step I make, every word I say, every breath I take.
What is at stake?

I struck myself at a forsaken introspection.
Becoming, someone new.
Someone dark, and someone light.
Someone who I never thought I could be.
Intensity strikes and the magic I have been hiding resurfaces.
I am many forms...
Of me.

I then, start to see.
She was just a cover, but now I unfold and surface at my most enlightened peak.
I feel me, I know me.
Yet, it's a monumental battle of self, constantly changing, having different outlooks.
Allowing perception to take shape into different formulas.

I found myself, lost in the darkness, and lost in the light.
The substantial view of solitude has awoken a part of me that was lurking in the shadows of what I thought I was losing.

Space, moving slowly, at a pace, with no fight or race, but a high vibration of intentional awareness that I now foresee, down, and high, the pits of me as I grow to actually be.

The me I had lost, the new version of what I thought me would be.
Profusely intertwining with chaotic yet peaceful mindless thoughts.

I feel it...
No hassle,
No chase,
No worry,

Just peace.
I accept me.

My thoughts are self explanatory.
Endless mind creations stay undiluted.
Muted; I express in poetry and art
Misunderstood; So I stay to myself

                   **Executed

On a low, strained out.
Stagnation is getting the best of me.
Trapped, lacking my freedom.
Stale, personal freedom, locked by my own chaotic fears.
My comfort zone, I want to get out.
But how?
Is the question mostly asked.
Like a snail, it starts overwhelming me.
Thoughts hit a high haze and I can’t seem get beyond it.
Low, lost, gone, bored, flat, drained, miserable.
Pessimistic, nihilistic, no motivation, no energy.
Drained