My lips are the gun. My smile is the trigger. My kiss is the bullet. Just label me a killer.

She is able to portray the character she is meant to be on screen and in front of a camera.
She can deliver lines learned from a script or improv.
She can feign different emotions based on the scene she is in.
She can take on the life and personality of her character(s).
However, she can separate who she is in reality from the characters she portrays...
And that is a good actress.

I'm having a bad day and I don't know what to do
I'm just sitting here, with a frown on my face
Maybe someone will make me laugh and it will liven up my spirits a little
Who knows? I might just have a bad day

Behind the walls are where my secrets lie
Where my thoughts take refuge from being seen
Where my emotions peer from behind the veil in hopes of being displayed upon an immobile face
The walls were built as a sense of security, to keep the outside from coming in
Few, successfully, have knocked down a wall or two, but never all
Because behind the walls is where my true self is concealed
And I refuse her access into the real world
A world where she can never be accepted

Broken wings
Humming my last song
Trapped in a cage
Abandoned all hope
Of being set free
Free from a prison
A prison I created myself
Never to sprout my wings

Marks on my body that ache and burn
Shadows that cover my frame
Cause me pain even when I'm laying still
Fade within a few days
Some stay as if they've found a new home
Upon my marred exterior
A crushing within my chest
A harsh graze against my delicate skin
Leaves a bruise
Another part of the collection

I can't help but be curious of him
Of wanting to know more of him
Wanting to explore the depths of him
Wanting to know how he does what he does
The mere thought of wanting to know isn't enough to satisfy me
I want more than my thoughts and imagination conjuring up ideas
I want to feel, I want to do
Very curious indeed am I

She died in that old house
Her soul's probably hiding in her closet, clutching her teddy bear
Or beneath her bed, playing with her toys
In that old house is where she died
You ask me, "What happened to my little girl?"
"She died, Daddy...
and she became me."

When you love someone who is damaged
You accept their past, pain, and guilt
You have to be strong and patient
You help the bleeding stop, you kiss over the scars
And they will still be a little broken
You accept all the dents and the cracks that's within them
And eventually they will start to trust you
They will become your ally and best friend
And you are the only person that can make or break them
And they will still be thinking how can someone like you love someone like them
Because they are damaged

Welcomed with open arms
Numbness coursing through my body
Eyes flutter before succumbing to darkness
One final breath passes my lips
My soul trailing behind it

If you called to say you're sorry
You might as well hang up
I've had enough "sorrys" in my life
Why should yours be of any importance?

I still have those moments where I don't feel anything at all
Just numbness
My head resting on a pillow
My eyes staring blankly at a wall
And then I snap out of it
And I busy myself with doing something to make me feel
I refuse to feel nothing ever again

These are words I have said
Words I have refused to utter
When people walk in and out of my life
Either by invitation or they waltz in
Over time, a bond forms
I become a part of you, you become a part of me
Then, they have to leave
Either because they have to or they want to
I see you leave through that door
With a piece of my heart trailing behind you
I whisper, "Don't leave"

I wonder do you remember
When I would hold your face in my hands
Like some precious jewel I found
And just run my thumbs across your cheeks
Your eyes would crinkle up
Because you would smile
And I would smile
Or gaze into your eyes
And would get lost in what I saw
I wonder did you see how much I loved you then
Because now it seems
You don't love me at all

Never stop dreaming...
Sometimes dreams are the only thing that a person has

That place where only you can take me
That I had forgotten
Fondest of memories arose from those moments
An instant high that causes bodies to quiver
Causes bodies to intertwine covered in dew
Draped in sheets shimmering in the sun
But you awoken that sense of hunger
Unconcealed heat that laid hidden beneath my skin
Waiting to inflame me, to rekindle those sparks
And it all began with that one touch
To remember where I belong

Those who fade into nothingness blend in with the background
A thought that crosses the mind, not even for a second
To be forgotten, you aren't remembered in memories
You are just a face that someone can recall as familiar, but is quickly dismissed as being a stranger
You seem to not exist in the lives of those you are close to
You have been erased from minds
Being forgotten is being lost within yourself
Not remembering who you were, or who you are for that matter
You simply have no trace of yourself

I would like to introduce the person in front of you
The name’s Ariana, I go by Ari
I was born on January 5th, which makes me a Capricorn
I’m the G.O.A.T (literally my zodiac symbol is the goat and I’m the greatest of all time)
Some of the things they say about my sign are true
I can be very difficult, and my tongue is so sharp, it could cut into your skin and leave scars
But at the other end of the spectrum, I’m as loyal as they come
And will always keep it 92+8 with you
I am 5 ft 5...and a half
I do not know how to ride a bike nor swim
And I could not hold a note if my life depended on it

I am still learning how to control what comes out of my mouth and what expressions dance across my face
My words can be cutthroat and my face is my personal snitch
You can tell how or what I feel, and I would not have to say a word
I was born with a fire in me that only blazes when needed

I like Coca-Cola
And anything that has the word “taco” in it
People say that I am rude
And my answer to that is always ‘thank you’
Cannot be nice to people nowadays anyhow
Especially, people, I do not like

I am unapologetically myself
My anxiety attacks and mood swings are a second skin
A storm encased within me, a whirlwind of emotions
I can go from laughing to smiling to stressed to depressed and back to laughing in 5 seconds
A kind of colorful mess I am

I have this fascination with nature
I feel it is the one thing God created that is not flawed
All the cycles
All the seasons
The dew that rests upon the grass
Have you ever just wanted to lie in a field of flowers
Makes me smile at the thought

I fall in love truly
Nothing about it is fake
Even if the person does not love me back
Or did not love me enough to keep me
Or did not stay around long enough to fall in love
It is their loss
Because I am a rare find
Like a black unicorn

Just to remind you
My name is Ariana
I like my solitude, stargazing, and enjoying moments that last a lifetime
I cry all the time
Sometimes over nothing, most of the time over everything
I have issues, and every time someone asks, “what’s wrong?”
My reply is most of the time ‘everything’ or ‘what isn’t wrong?’

Music nurtures my soul and laughter frees up space that negativity tries to overcrowd
I wake up every day and try to be happy about something
Even when I am not happy with myself
If asked to name all the things I love, I would not even think to name me
But everything is not all bad
I am still alive
And I feel I have a purpose
And that someone is listening
Even when I think they are not
I just get through the days
By being me

Inside the glass house
And those on the outside
Are the ones throwing the boulders
Chips of glass surround my feet
Leaving me nowhere to step
Unless I want to get cut
And I already have enough scars

If walls could talk...
They would tell you of my screams which have echoed off them
If walls could talk...
They would tell of me staring into the mirror, my reflection looking back at me, my face immobile
If walls could talk...
They would tell of the nights tears stained my face, my heart aching
If walls could talk...
They would tell of me cradling my pillow, wanting someone, anyone to comfort me
If walls could talk...
They would tell of my secrets which I keep hidden away out of fear of being found out
The walls are those who see me, even if I seem to be alone

Your feet crossed the threshold
And you muttered a quick goodbye
After I told you all my secrets
Bared my soul
Revealed my flaws
Removed the makeup that covered my scars
I guess there was something there you didn't like
So you decided to leave once you knew the real me, my true self
And I peeled the door open, my hand on the ****
Showing you the way out
Why would I need you here if you didn't plan on staying?

I saw something in you
That you probably couldn't see for yourself
I saw who you were
I saw who you are
I saw who you could be
When you were still searching
Trying to find your true self
I simply saw you
And that was enough for me

Is there a reason why your heart gets broken?
Whether you saw it coming or not, nothing can brace you for the pain you will feel.
At times, you blame yourself for the pain thinking, "Why did I listen to my heart?"
You cry over someone who isn't worth your tears.
Your heart has been gullible, causing you to love and trust too easily.
And it's just sad when you become immune to the hurt.
Getting your heart broken is the downside to love.
The question is...
"Will you allow it to break you?"

Following the white rabbit in his waistcoat
Listening to the tick tock of his pocket watch
Let's fall down the rabbit hole nestled at the trunk of the tree

And where you land is a room
An entire world hidden behind a door and all you need is the key
A nibble from a cake that makes you grow
And with a sip of a drink, you shrink
Insert the key and twist the ****
Opens the door to a world beyond imagination

There's a cat that grins
And with a smile, he disappears
Have a cup of tea and a biscuit with the Hare, the Hatter, and the Dormouse
Paint white roses red with the Red Queen
Beware of her freakishly large head
Slay the Jabberwocky with the Vorpal Sword
And restore the White Queen to her throne
I'm sure the ****** Big Head wouldn't like that
"Off with her head," she would say
Listen to the bicker of the twins, Tweedledee and Tweedledum
The Red Queen calls them her fat boys
Partake in the musings of Absolem
The hookah-smoking caterpillar who transforms into a beautiful blue butterfly

Let us escape to Wonderland
It is far more appealing than the real world

There was once a little girl
Called Little Sorrow
There was never a smile that grazed her face
Nor a moment of happiness in her life
She learned to live with the silence
Learned to embrace the solitude
Cried her tears alone until one day she stopped
There wouldn't be a place big enough for holding all the tears she cried
Little Sorrow simply watches with blank eyes and an immobile face
As the world around her passes
Yet she remains still

I cried enough for the tears to pool in my eyes
They didn't fall
Until you doubted me
And whether I loved you or not
And how I should be grateful that I have you
But it's you who doesn't understand
If I didn't love you
I wouldn't put up with what comes along with being in a relationship with you
I wouldn't put up with what comes with being with me
I always love even when I don't get the same in return
But then, you say you do love me
Then, can someone explain to me
Why do I feel so worthless

You said that you would love me for an eternity...but you lied
And now as these tears stain my face...I realize that maybe loving you was a mistake because maybe you never loved me back

I don't run from my demons
I see them everytime I look in the mirror
Maybe that's why I hate looking at myself so much

Because I see them
And they're a part of me
And there's no hiding it
And I think they like being seen

They show the true darkness that lies in me
That lies within us all

I don't need someone to tell me who I am.
I already know myself enough to tell myself who I am.
I don't need someone to point out my flaws and inadequacies.
They were created by lessons learned.
Nobody can tell me who I am because they're not me.
They haven't walked in my shoes...
Nor have they experienced life the way I live it.
Only one person can tell me who I am---me.

We're all mirrors in our fragile states
Enough pressure against us, our surfaces
Cause cracks across our faces
Some have shattered beneath
Shards of us fall to the ground
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who's the most broken among us all?

Has a red rose tucked in her hair, just above her ear
Lips stained the color of wine
Gold hoops dangling from her ears
A black blouse falling off her shoulders
A red skirt encasing her valuable assets
Pumps on her feet
Her name caresses the lips of every man
And they can't help but stare as she walks by
A smile graces her face, for she knows the effect she has
She is Carmen after all

Ever have that moment where a thought crosses your mind?
Just like any other random thought?
But this thought, causes you to stop in mid stride.
Makes words stop flowing from your mouth when in conversation.
The thought makes your face immobile.
No expression upon it...
Or emotion appearing within the eyes.
Almost like a mask, portraying a veil that covers what you wish not to be seen.
Everyone has those moments...
Sometimes when you're alone, or when you're around others.
That thought reveals a moment from the past that found its way into the present.

It can be a quickening of my heart as you lean into me
Or when you caress my face, my eyes glaze over
When you hold my cheek in the palm of your hand, I always cover your hand with mine
When you kiss me on my neck, my head leans back
When you kiss my lips, breath sorta just escapes me
Or after we get done worshipping each other, there's always this intense stare you give me I don't know why but it's always there

If you're going to break me
At least have the decency to let me know upfront
Don't let some time pass before you decide to do it
Don't let me reveal parts of myself that no one has seen
Not even God Himself and He made me
Don't let me share my secrets to which later you use as ammo
Don't let me tell you my life story, every chapter of it, from then to now
And belittle the struggles I had to overcome
If you're going to break me
Beware of the strength I possess
Beware of the type of woman I am
Beware of my ability to get up from being knocked down
Beware of me doing what I have to
You may cause a few cracks
But you will never break me
I'm too good for that

I won't remember the parties
Or the school events
Or the games
Because I never went to them

But this is what I will remember
I'll remember the late nights of homework
And having to wake up early the next morning
And being exhausted in my 9am class

I'll remember the stress that ate my *** alive
To the point where I would cry for 10 minutes straight
And then get back to work like it never happened

I'll remember having an anxiety attack after leaving my professor's office
Because she made me feel stupid about how I wrote my speech
And the moment I stepped outside
I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding
Then, I started hyperventilating and crying

I'll remember working out in the gym
Because according to my doctor I was obese
And well exercise is a great stress reliever

I'll remember losing my grandfather my junior year
And being so sad and depressed that some days I wouldn't even go to class
And having to go home for the first time and see him not there

I'll remember going through a break up the summer before my junior year
And having my ex try to gain my trust so that he would get another chance
Still confused on whether I should or shouldn't by the way

I'll remember growing closer to some of my friends
And some of my friends distancing themselves from me
And barely spending time with my friends from home

I'll remember contemplating on dropping out
Or going to another school
Or trying to make my other dreams come true

I'll remember being in the financial aid office more times than I can count
Because I'm paying out of pocket for my education
Student loans, Pell grants, and financial aid
Still isn't enough to cover my tuition

I'll remember being moved off campus into smaller dorms
Sharing a room with my best friend
And fighting off creepy crawlers and critters that found their way inside
And missing classes because transportation either ran late
Or didn't come at all

Who knows what else I'll remember
Not done with college yet

The multiple monsters of my mind
Each telling me a different thing
Each have a life of their own
The one I call "Heartbreak" says you'll never have love
There's a hole where her heart should be
The one named "Broken" says you'll never be good enough
Pops bitter pills with slits on her wrists
Then, there's the final one
Who I call the "Dark Angel"
Causes the dark swirl of thoughts in my head
She embraces herself with a sinister glint in her eyes
Her smirk full of mischief
All have black eyes
Surrounding the human me

My face is like my personal snitch.
It betrays me by revealing what I'm feeling.
The crease in my forehead shows worry, in some cases, anger.
My quivering lip shows that I'm about to cry.
My rapidly blinking eyes are tell-tale signs that I'm holding back tears.  
The twitch of my nose shows me being *******.
My scrunched up mouth is me holding back my sharp tongue.
Oh, why face are you such a snitch?

It may be damaged beyond repair
And have scars that were left by those who were thought to nurture it
It has its cracks and dents
But it's still there
Came close to shattering a few times
Went numb
Almost became nonexistent
But it's still there
I nurture it
I give it medicine, though it may not be effective
I take care of it
As long as it still beats, I'll be fine

There are times where I will sit and think about my life and what has come of it.
How the one wish I've always wanted since I was a child has always remained the same.
My wish is to be happy...
Be happy with myself and who I am despite the mess that I am...
Despite how broken I am.
I always wanted to be happy with myself, be happy being me.
Be happy with someone who is the person that sparks my soul, which is rare to find.
But finding that person will be like staring up at stars at night
You feel so at peace with that person nearby.

How I always wanted to be someone's mother.
I love children, I love babies...
Every time I see a baby I just want to hold them, hug them. I want to experience that. Being a mom.
And if I'm not given that chance, it's going to hurt. I'm going to wonder what's wrong with me. What did I do wrong in my life to not be a mom? But then I can't be upset at that, I made a lot of mistakes and regret some decisions that I made.
But I live with it. I just want to be a mom and if I can't have any children of my own, I'll love someone else's. I can always adopt.

Those are just thoughts I have sometimes...

Caught glimpses of tears leaning on the edge of your eyes
Yet you refuse to let them fall

We never have full control of our lives
How they play out
What does and doesn't happen
Or how it ends
There's always someone above us pulling the strings

I no longer see you as the person being the one to dry my tears
Instead you're the one that caused them
All the bruises my heart received
I never thought you would leave your own
If you were to touch me, your touch would no longer feel right
You calling me your friend, instead of your babygirl
Causes nothing but the blade to go in further
Your kisses I remember that use to set me aflame
Only cause me to burn on the inside
I remember the mark you left on me
It was a bruise on my already damaged heart

Bringing me back to life
When I've spent time in darkness
Awakening my dulled senses
Life was no longer clinging to me like a disease
I finally opened my eyes and saw light
Instead of the occasional darkness
You've awakened me

Petals drenched in crimson
Delicate to touch
Has its own defense
Stem covered in thorns
***** pale fingers
Draws blood when grasp
Both a beauty and a danger

What lurks between the realm of light and dark
The secrets, the lies, the skeletons that crept from the closet
The shadows that embrace you disguised as a friend
Whispering deceit and hallow promises
Bringing the shadows closer as a source of comfort
Pain is your wake up call in the morning
Hurt is the piece of my reality that invades my sweet dreams
But what if you were the shadows in which  the secrets, lies, and skeletons dwell

Scribbled words written on notes
A red ribbon with a lock of hair dangling
Photos of familiar faces with worn edges
A piece of fabric that was torn from the wearer of the cloth
A golden brush with strands of hair left from the owner
This old shoe box carries fond memories
Each item has a story

I'm sorry
I'm sorry for being me
I'm sorry for not being able to change the parts of me you don't like
Like how I talk **** about myself
Me being my worst enemy
I tear myself down every chance I get
I'm sorry that I don't love my body the way you do
You see curves where as I see fat
I just can't look in the mirror and say, "I'm beautiful."
But knowing you, you'd kiss every part of me and appreciate my body like I never did
I'm sorry that when we argue, I always have anger in me
Profanity just slips through my lips when I'm mad
And I know you don't like conflict, but I got a lot of fight in me
I'm sorry I'm not positive when it comes to my view on life
Life *****, being a rollercoaster where there are the ups and downs
But with the hand I was dealt, I had more downs than ups
However, I remember you telling me to look up at the skies because they're always beautiful
Even when everything on Earth seems ugly
I'm sorry for who I am
Being me seems to be a problem
Which is why I say you probably shouldn't be with someone like me
And you would just say, "You're not getting rid of me" or "I'm not going anywhere."
I'm sorry you have to love someone like me
A *****
A pessimist
To you, I'm just your Kitten
Perfect, even with my flaws
I'm just...

*Sorry