I am neither worn
nor torn.
There is no battlefield here to make of me.
There is nothing to help you digest
Me never giving into your "hello"
I am always "no"
I am always "next time"
I am always pick up book
before trusting people...
Contain  before express ,
And when I get too comfortable
it always comes out wrong.
I am always too strong, too much passion...
I am an overwhelming ****** marry
in a season meant for cosmos...
So no... there is was no storm here,
no hurricane
no damage.
I have just not yet opened heart long enough to let in  stranger...
It never crossed my mind
That there may be something better than feeling nothing.
That something that beats doesn't have to involve hurt.
That sharing doesn't mean losing you
and feeling doesn't mean I have to stop breathing.
I am waking in my numbness
I am stumbling from this self induced coma
Hoping to run into a hurricane that
makes me scared of leaving,
Makes me tired of sleeping.

-Indigo Morrison

“I’ve been carrying this body
Hoping that one day you render me weightless
And find something worth worship here…”

I fingered apologies
all down your back,
as I kissed goodbyes into
the crook of your neck.

Bared my body bullet proof
as I shielded you from my beautiful,
I wanted you in this now,
without fear of my leaving.

So I made my mouth both
release and distraction,
knees holding me together ,
hands racing down then up,
daring you to break our movements,
begging you to forget my shortcomings,

My ..." I can't stays"
My ... "You will always be beautiful"
My ... "I see you, but I am not yet ready"

Pulsing hot,
ready for whats next,
Bodies banging bullet proof,
hoping that I have driven you,
into me, but away from my heart...

As you whisper...
"Take it in"
"not just now"
"take me in"
"not just now"
"Take me"

... And then I realized,
I could never,
Come down enough,
Blow down enough,
Bang our bodies
bullet proof enough...
To make you not love me...

But, I am not falling.


-Indigo Morrison

At 12:20 pm today ...
love looks like
wishing
wanting
and letting go.
wake up,
let go.
sleep,
let go.
wake up,
let go.
sleep,
let you go.
it’s never ending
...until it does,
but what will that look like?
will this ending look like you?

... love today looks like
wishing
wanting
and letting go... of you baby .

I have wanted to hold you in these arms of mine for months...
But, I couldn't quite figure out which walls to push down in order to let you in,
What grounding I needed to find to lend you my voice,
My arms,
This heart,
This love.
All I could share,were these eyes,

My silent “yes

My scared “hello”

And I am utterly scared by you,
Or terrified of the you, you will make of me.
I’d like to feel enough to give you something to fall into
But I know I can’t do that.
I know I can’t be her.
I can’t be the girl to share your graces in the morning.
I want to hold you

So that you’ll be close enough to break me,
Break me apart
So I can have something to piece back together in the morning.
See I am good at fixing things,
And being broken.
I am not quite ready to be whole.

I have some wanderlust to fall into,
Some hearts of my own to break,
Some kisses to never speak about,
And languages for my tongue to become fluent in.
And I’m not ready for it to be you.

So let me hold you
In my arms…
Will you break me?
I need something to put together in the morning.
I am sorry that you cannot stay.
Right now, I am not yet, quite ready, to be good at you.

i don't want to go there
ever again
I don't ever want to feel
that way...
because this time
it would be by choice
and I can't choose you.
you were curious
you were bored
very lonely
so you picked me
even though you knew
you couldn't hold me
long enough to let me feel you.
and maybe
you liked me
thought I was beautiful
and I even believe
you thought you loved me
...but really you just didn't want me to leave
to leave you lonely
and you didn't care
that coming back
didn't mean staying for you
...and that shattered me

all this time
I thought I was building up
to you

I dream... fantasize daily,
About the way water feels rushing against my skin,
How silence feels in this crowded room,
How the wind feels struggling to untangle this hair,
How my hands must feel when they are floating.
I’d like to take in the world alone,
But, I am a child with
Not feet strong enough to withstand,
What cement blocks comfort can become of you,
What no hope can drain from you,
What anxieties existing has created of my being.
I feel cornered in my waking,
Lost in my movements.
And I can’t even begin to forgive myself
For the way I keep breaking my own heart
By being here,
And not having the decency to let down my fears...
And simply, leave.

-Indigo Morrison

how to write a poem:
1. think about something until it hurts
2. bury it in paper
I think that is what scares me…
That I will wake up one day,  happy that he has to leave
Or wishing that you would exit my mornings.
I am scared that the idea tempts me more than you ever will.
All I see when I look forward, is me waking to the sun
Nesting in my solitude.
I gravitate towards freedom
Something I am not sure love will allow of me.
And I’d like to not be selfish with your time
Which is why I keep you from me,
But some days temptation engages me in indulgence,
And I play around with the idea that, I could stay here
And stand in this
But, when the leaves settle and my heart stops trembling
I grow restless
I grow weak with leaving
…. And I think gold of you,
Which is why I keep me from you.
You asked why I can’t fall in this …with you,
And I’m warning you,
It’s because I’ll leave.
I have to.
And I always will.

You were my first heart
The first taste I had of wanting
The closest comparison I had to
Sunrise and yoga
Black coffee and silence
Gentle hands and my skin

We were all of this
I felt like more than just this body with you next to me
Those vibrations were real
As real as this hurt
This letting go
This blue moon
This blue mood
Your lonely heart
Creating even lonelier hearts.

I think I saw the leaving in your hello
But I held on to you looking at me instead.
I am sorry for not turning away sooner,
For not running
I am sorry for not seeing that the pieces of you wouldn't come together for me.
I will do better next time  
At putting together glass meant for these hands
Meant for this heart .

I am clawing at happiness,
Hoping that it finds me a suitable vessel.
Because, these days are blurring together and
I am seeing endings where there should be ******.
I am filled with leaving
And too scared to scream to the people  I love,
that staying frightens me...
I am finding nothing here
And I am neither good at sitting or good with standing,
And I no longer know in what direction to move one step forward...
I am living in scarcity of myself,
Putting together the scraps of myself
that I no longer want,
But it is all I have.
And my God am I trying to hold on.
I am trying to see the sun
without wishing for the moon.
Wishing for the moon
and waiting for morning.
There is no ground I want to stand on...
There's no hands that leads to arms for me.
You are not here
And you are not willing to lend your heart
while mine is out seeking restoration.
I've always been the woman saving herself
But, how many times do I have to break
in order to be filled?


-Indigo Morrison

I wish you would stop looking at me like I'm perfect
So you can feel good about that wall you've built between you and I.
I am not where I want to be
I am not who I want to be
My spirit isn't glowing in tune with my heart
I have been breaking and shattering my whole life.
I have been building and falling all over this place
And no one sees it
No one is here to catch me,
But I am showing you
I am letting down these walls
Trying to show you there are mirrors
Because maybe you aren't meant to stitch yourself together...
Maybe I take your hand
And you take mine...
Maybe my heart wasn't meant to be broken my whole life
Before I knew I had the chance,
The choice,
To share it with someone.  
The chance,
The choice,
To choose you.

I want to dance alongside the trees and feel free... not just look beautiful.

love today looks like morning.
the sun rises and so do i.
rising to breathe
and let go,
let go enough to give back to her,
let go enough to give back him.
making peace with being enough
for me in this present moment,
but not being what you wanted.
i am not what you want
and that is okay.
i wish you'd hold onto that
instead of repeatedly dropping
my heart or letting it come apart in your hands.

I am a hurricane girl
I come in waves
Passion or depression
Kissing you or disappearing from everything
I am obsessive with my passions
Anxious when sitting still
I move
Move forward
Move away
Never looking back
I might forget to take you with me
So stay
Stay with me here
Take in all I have to give
And remember the good
When I create storms
Give me peace in chaos
I love the rain
The seas it creates
The ruins that become of it
I am sorry
Broken shouldn't be beautiful
But I wish you'd make an exception for me.

“I have let go of friends who are not friends.
I have let go of, “I love you’s” that leave the after taste of, “for now”.
I have let go of the men that want to crawl in bed with a woman black,
fantasized exotic.
I have let go of boy who reveres my loudness
But only when it doesn’t interfere with ego.
You mistake hubris for confidence and fail
to stand next to,
work next to,
build next to,
something more than real.
I have let go of woman who deems me not worthy of respect but
of her unnecessary redundant jealousy.
I have let go of his lips that seek release instead of pleasing me.
I have let go of hands more prison cell than wanderlust…
There is something worth touching here,
Worth more than just ******* here.
I have let go of bodies assimilating for comfort
instead of adding to the peace that my vibe brings into any room.
I have let go of you women more foul milk than friend,
More siren than Goddess
More damsel in distress than Queen.
I have let go of darkness for light
but, I will never choose between the moon and the sun,
Because they both feed me.
And people drain me.
So, I have let go.
I have let go
of giving in
and bowing down
of staying silent
of thinking myself 2nd
And wanting to be chosen 1st.”

-Indigo Morrison

I keep feeling homesick
I don’t get to see the ocean at night anymore
There is no longer warmth there
I want to see the people smiling again
I want red bottles
And listerine
I want cologne and listerine
A beautiful full moon in your smile carried itself there
My heart almost left me to go back there
I almost left me to go back there...

I wanted it to be you so bad that I kept confusing your being with love and repressing your eyes looking past me when I smiled. Its time I apologize... to me.

-Indigo Morrison

Everything is always, always
Life or death for me.
Which is why being here is so hard.
I am in my head
I stay in my head.
                           I can't get out of here.
My faith falls short when my control does.
I have so much trouble
I incur so much turmoil in surprise.
I hate this.
I wish I were able to treat the lows and the highs with the same grace...
But, grace has no place here.
I am obsessive
I am crazy
          Crazy happy
             Crazy depressed
Very anxious
Ready to run
Never sit down
Time to let go
Keep moving
Never stopping
Can't breathe
Too smothered
Gotta go
Gotta leave
Time to run... Again.

Peace now.
Settled mind,
Time to come back.
Things to do
...again.
People to see
Places to go
Life to live
Body to inhibit
Smiles to give
Things to do.
Be here,
Be here now,
Try Tiara try.
Be here,
Be here now,
Try Tiara try.
...but I can't,
Gotta move,
Trying to stop thinking,
Don't want to get too anxious
Don't want to get too scared.

But, I am tired now...
I am ready now
To sit still
Stand tall
And feel something.

Life is short
You don't want me or my love
So why waste my heart?
Don't you think I'm beautiful?
I'd think you'd love me enough to let me go...
If not I'll just keep coming back because you keep smiling at me...
It really changes your face,
First handsome then beautiful
You should really let someone capture it sometime.
I think it's why I wanted to know you,
Maybe I should have looked away,
But you smiling
Is staggering,
I couldn't,
I could never.

I’ve found a writer that I love
Whose hair hangs loose like wild-flowers
Eyes shaped like almonds
And a smile that I swear set fire to the rain forest



And how weird this must be for me
Because I promised myself I’d never fall in love with someone who saw the curves in my sadness the way only a writer does
But I can’t help but cling to the way he uses his words with me
He has a clear, concise understanding of the fact that although I am a lover of words I am equally in love with someone who does not waste them
He is particular in his speech the same way he is particular in the way he consumes me
His words are just as strong as his love is
His mouth devours me the same way he divulges his truths



The way his light is as iridescent as the sun during the season of Christmas
But I swear his darkness is just as beautiful.
I am bound to the way my name flows off his lips and
His unconscious need to be near...
Whether it is his hand writing inches from mine
Or his legs stationed beneath me
Or the way he sleeps with gentle interludes



He wakes to touch me
Not to see if I am next to him because …he knows any bed that he is in, I am insurmountably indebted to.
He wakes to touch me
To let me know that he still dreams about me in his sleep
That he still wakes thinking of me even though there is no measurable distance between us



He wakes to touch me
Whether it be the “You are love” from his lips
Or the “I am yours” that he mouths
Or the way he makes both Chai tea and coffee for me, only for him to drink which one I decide to reconsider
He wakes to touch my being



And on the days I need to fall away for a little while
Whether I become consumed in a book or indebted to some instance of nostalgia
He waits for me...
And upon my arrival back to our world that we have created… he simply sits a note under our wedding picture …
“I am missing from you”
And I kiss the lips of the love at which I am bound
With a note in my hand
“I can only go without my breath for so long, for I have been longing to come back to you”
And as we find our way back to this place time and time again...
His arms wrap around me whispering “I am here”

By: Indigo Morrison

My mother and her mother lived lonely.
2. I want to be held without being held captive.
3. I keep trying to find reasons to lay next to you.
4.  I can’t bear feeling lonely when I am not alone.
5. I can’t make me love you.
6. Even the man I long for knows I am leaving.
7. I am scared you will understand me and I will no longer belong to myself.
8. My brother, is his father… their feet carry them the same.
9. I am scared that you will find my love inadequate
10. You will become wanderlust and realize I have nothing resembling a map inside me.
11. A part of me is simply yearning to take you in my mouth… these hands.
12. I am a woman who is vocal in my wanting.
13. You will not **** me voiceless.
14. I sometimes confuse your silence with leaving.
15. I don’t want our love to be synonymous with chains.
16.  I need you to love me gently.
17. I have come too far.
18. Leave me wild here.
19. I want you honest. I want you kind.
20. I am both goddess and human.
21. I think if I run fast enough I won’t feel you leaving.
22. My skin is wet with regrets for all the times I stayed silent. The times I tamed my hunger.
23.  I can’t remember the first cut that trained me to ache for those who don’t seek me.
24. I tell myself I don’t want the things that I am scared to lose.
25. I have not been alive when next to another person in years.

I like the way the moon sits low for me
And the way the sun lets me steal its light
And mix it with the God in me.
I feel it
Like I feel you .
Your vibe and your drive is un-equatable
I have never seen anything like it.
I’ve never seen beautiful in the way a man moves till I met you.
I’ve never wanted to share the river or the ocean with any man but, you.
But I’m willing to let you fall in love with something
That has always loved me.
And I swear I get scared to share my beautiful
But you have the soul of the bravest King
And I could never ….
Would never,
Want to deny you.
And the way you love but don’t chain me
I could cry thinking of our beautiful.
I am lost in your being
And I am not searching for the exit
I pray your love will flow through me all the way through my next lifetime.
Because I plan to see you there.
I take time to meditate on your love
Just so that I don’t forget to open myself and the universe to such spirits.
I love you so much that I run with you in my dreams
I have never felt a blessing quite like you
And the way the stars came together for this rhythm to inhibit this earth.
It is as if God has chosen an angel to walk with me
Feet in soil
Love on earth
And he is telling me that I am more than beautiful.

I wanted him to be you.
But he never is.
And the next one just becomes my next flirtation with distraction,
until he becomes disappointment.
I keep stumbling into those.
I keep chasing after your spirit,
Settling when I see teeth sharp enough to let my secrets through...

I am scared.
I am love.
I am waiting for you ...but,
I keep getting him ...
I am terrified for my heart,
Terrified never to be open
Never to feel because I keep
stepping out,
then shattering
and caving back into my brokenness.

Still I keep reaching...
always lonely,
Trying to stay open for you...

I will remain alone until you find me,
Even if you don't.
Even if you choose not to.


-Indigo Morrison

I am scared that I am going to become the runaway girl.
Close enough to touch but, not here long enough to hold on to.
I’m scared that I won’t be able to sit still for steady hands.
Its like coffee and cigarettes
Why take in chaos when you will always need the calm?
I need both
The calm the chaos
The real the fantasy.
I am scared that I will get normal and it won’t be enough for me,
That I will get every silver lining I’ve ever wanted and it still won’t be enough
I’ll always want more
I’ll always want the sun, the moon, the stars, the forest…
Nature is so much more beautiful than anything man made
Maybe that’s why man scares me…
They empty beautiful things
And tarnish gold.
But, I want to be touched by a man
Who sees the Queen in me
The chocolate
The Gold
And loves the stutter in my nervous
The weird in my beautiful
The good in my crazy.
I one day, want this
But I don’t know how to share me
Keep me
Love him
Not run
Not run
Stop running
From a man…
Because,
I’m Cinderella at 12 am
Hoping that he doesn't discover I’m not beautiful.

I am a Hurricane Girl
I come in waves
Passion or depression
Kissing you or disappearing from everything
I am obsessive with my passions
Anxious when sitting still
I move
Move forward
Move away
Never looking back
I might forget to take you with me
So stay
Stay with me here
Take in all I have to give
And remember the good
When I create storms
Give me peace in chaos
I love the rain
The seas it creates
The ruins that become of it
I am sorry
Broken shouldn't be beautiful
But, I wish you'd make an exception for me.

The man whose hands can't lie still,
Too busy building
Molding
Growing
Creating
Strong
yet gentle..
I watch those hands
careful not to let them touch me.
The way you grow things
If you were to touch me
I'd lose it...
I'd lose it every time...
Wearing heart on sleeve
Leaving door open for you...
No welcome mat at my door
You need no sign. you know I am here.
My own hands are moving
Hips becoming bold
Legs caving beneath me
Hands wanting yours to hold them.
I have always been tempted by the hardness of man
yet how gentle his touch could be with something he is trying to keep living

I will always love books, words, literature, the putting pen to paper people.
2. Nature feeds me and comforts me like amber romance does on nights I feel too high.
3. I fall in love all the time; love is free flowing for me and I will never apologize for that.
4. I am at peace with my music and words. I am most at peace alone.
5. People scare me; I am too unsure what these busy hearts are composed of.
6. I am sorry, you will never be the only one. For I cannot commit to hands as unsteady as yours and eyes that find no value in the sea.
7. I am sad, disheartened that I miss the sun creating morning because I am too busy surviving. It hurts me.
8. I like your lips and what your smile creates of them.
9. I forget to need or garner the desire for the wordly material things that do not move me.
10. I like sweet things and hard truths and people who understand that we are walking contradictions and nothing should be feared from that.
11. I am not gentle, I come in waves and leave it to you to be receptive of my truths.
12. I am real here and ready for a 2 am conversation while the sun still beats.

I guess I wanted you to know
this heart
this storm
the way pen and paper does.
I wanted my lips to be yours like morning coffee.
I wanted you to feel what a single song could do to sadness,
what I could do to sadness...
I can’t take it away,
but I could give you a break.
I don’t know why I keep writing about you,
wanting about you,
sleeping about you,
when you don’t have the love want...
maybe not for me.

I have felt much more with you than I have felt alone
I have never been so alive next to another person
I breathe so well when you are near
And fall so open.
You don't even have to touch me
But I feel you
All over
Everywhere .
I feel how much you miss me
You holding me is my coming together
I am covered in your love when you look at me
Never stop looking at me .
Your hands give my skin life
Your lips make my being leave ground
You are beautiful
You are mine
I want to never give up on you .

Even leaves fall for you …
The sun comes out for you
The flowers bow out to you
And the wind cannot tear its breeze from your hair
The rain can’t help but dance around you
And the fields…
Oh they move high in low for you
Traveling from valleys to hills for you
The ocean shames the river and the sea with its expanse for you
And the stars light hearts for you
Storms build character for you
Hurricanes lose sanity for you
Mountains diverge for you
Caves open up to you
As the earth becomes a shelter for you
Because that’s how beautiful you shine
That is how great your light is…
If my love is not enough to guide your eyes to such truth
Let nature be a mirror for you…

By: Indigo Morrison

i could plan a vacation in the crook of your neck. in the curve of your hand. in the softness of your lips. i’d never need to rent out a home again. never have to sit still in a car. i’d move when you’d move. i’d inhale at your exhale. bury my heart in yours. you’d become a book to me... another way to travel without leaving.

Stop kissing the boy who keeps saying “**** love”
He means that ****
This is his truth.
And you cannot save him
There is nothing YOU can do to change his mind.
It has to be the one… and you have to stop believing that he is just missing it.
Stop trying to cradle shaky hands that you wish to pour your heart into.
We both know how this will end,
He will drop it
He will apologize, repeat, apologize, repeat…
Never stopping.
Until you realize that hearts can’t be held by men who aren't sturdy enough to love themselves
Enough to love a woman properly.
Stop calling him at 2am, drunk with emotions that need to be set free…
If he wanted you, don’t you think he would have told you already?
Don’t you think that he would have found a way to be closer to you than that bottle anxiously calling your hand, your mouth, your mind?
You have got to stop thinking that his “I love you” means anything
If his actions say “I simply like that you are here sometimes”
Stop chasing his scars, wanting to kiss them away…
These boys love war and will do anything that will leave battle wounds
Just so that women like you will feel the need to fix what doesn't even hurt anymore.
So please do not think yourself a hero
More like nourishment for ego
And a Band-Aid showing that things once happened here.
You will not need to fall in order to gain the adoration from the right beloved.
He will be standing, steady foot, quick tongued, with an advantageous heart for you
And he will allow for you to rise into him…


-Indigo Morrison

I've got to stop chasing fireflies
Cali-lilies and trees
I've got to stop stomping down on earth
Trying to find the sky.
You have perplexed the sun
Set off the moon
And let beings fly high.
You've created remnants of storm clouds
That make coffee stains and cigarette smells linger
You have created kisses out of hands
Eyes out of sea
Waiting for Delilah's to bloom.
You have given spring a new name
Fall a new rise  
Summer a new wanderlust
And winter a new kind of cabin fever
...I see seasons in you
Strength in your truth
You have... come home eyes
And, here in my lost.
I am wandering here
But I am safe here
I will always be naked for you.

I am not soft
I do not know how to be beautiful
I don't know how to be half in half out
I don't know how to calm these storms that want to see you.
I cannot dim this light
or handle you gently touching me
I am not fragile
I don't know how to be small
You keep trying to place me in your back pocket
While I am trying to stand next to you and hold your hand
I am tired of preparing for flight at the beginning of every landing
I am tourist trying to create a home to come back to...
and I know we can't make homes out of people
but I want to feel it when I'm with you .
I want you to feel it when I'm with you
I want you in this when I'm away from you
I am no gentle woman
Some days I am walking contradiction
but my soul is always evolving
always extending out of this being... beautiful
And I want you.
Yes I want you.

You enigmatic freak of nature
The way your voice bows
And the guitar sounds
And your legs stomp forward to catch the beat
All while keeping a smile on your face
Your hands fly everywhere, your mouth is a vessel of peace, love and harmony
And I can’t bring myself to move away from you
You tell me…
“Move like you want, move like you need”
And I do all though I am trying not to
I am drawn to your inner wildings
And the way you can’t sit still
I enjoy the calm of you
Because it doesn’t come quite often
The whole of you is beautiful
And I love the way your spirit leads
I just want to be next to you
Be near you
When you vibrate…
It’s soothing to stand in your essence
I don’t think I’ve felt a movement quite like this
It doesn’t even necessitate you touching me
This is an ode to the being you are, the spirit in you
Keep moving
Don’t sit still
People might forget how to feel something.

Night sets in
Candles glow
Scents are mixing
Dinner, me, and you.
Tonight it all adds up for me
This apron alone is put on for you.
You are fine, refined, redefinition
Of all black MAN.
I will exist right here
Right now
To share with you
Create a scene with you
Whatever you want to do.
Share fruit with me
Get high
Vibe out
Share your dreams with me
Let down your walls
Take off your shoes
Be confident in me taking care of you
Giving into you
Be free with me
Real with me
Rough with me
Sensual with me
Fall into your urges with me
Let me devour you
I will yield to you creating moans of me.
I'm just thinking on some real ****.
Some all night ****
No clothes
No boundaries
Just some exploration of higher elevations
With someone so beautiful.

If you wanted me
I'd have given you all of me.
I have never been in the presence of something beating beautiful...
You are what secrets bared to the moon are made of,
You are feeling without seeing,
So much more live and all consuming.
You are eyes I am searching when I find myself at peace in coffee shop.
I am not simply running from lonely with you,
But wading through chaos finding peace in that storm
Sometimes next to you...
I would share in the rain
beating window,
And wind making a free woman out of me... with you.
I would share my freedom ...with you.

If only you'd look back at me,
You'd no longer find
Girl part hurricane,
Flying too close to the sun,
Always running,
Trying to create a love story out of your mouth and those hands.

-Indigo Morrison

your name is a trigger
for being wanted,
but not loved all the way through.
for being mirror that only reflects the good in you when you feel bad, sad or lonely.
your face triggers seeing myself walking on eggshells
and keeping one foot out the door in love.
your hands are a trigger for being held not tight enough and not nearly long enough.
your existence is a trigger of unrequited love that won’t stop
or fall apart like it should.

I have lost sight of which direction in which to pick my feet up in.
I am lost here.
I am drowning in this sea of
Everything and everybody being like everybody else
And never being able to feel anything different
Anything better than this.
I am so scared that I will never feel anything again
That I wont breakdown
And come back together for this...
For my one chance
My one life.
I am wasting away here
Forgetting to remember why I am standing here,
Moving here.
Forgetting to remember why my hands shake,
Why my heart is concrete.
Forgetting to remember why my thoughts drive everywhere inside my head,
And no where near touching this earth.
I am not touching this earth.
I cannot feel this moment.
I am only scared here
And sorry here
That I can’t be here
And share something worth missing.
I am sorry that I have nothing to give here,
To build here for myself
but, mostly for you.

I see how much you need me to be here…

today love looks like falling water
like honey too hot to touch or hold anywhere
like snow too minor to sheet white on the ground
like ice cream too big on a sweaty summer day
like wounds continuously splitting open just before the healing
like me continuously splitting open just before the healing

What does love look like today?

the sadness leaving,
joy coming in the morning,
getting back in bed after breakfast,
steam breaking down tension,
oil pushing through the feeling of not being touched by the other person I love,
mending and healing
after cleaning out the wounds,
lying in the night,
knowing there is light tomorrow,
God say the same ... knowing that there is living to do tomorrow.

"I guess I am trying to tell you...
Your heart holds desire here,
More than drowning.
There are constellations formed around
the spirit in your eyes.
You are concrete for me
More than any human I am not kin to.
I am not running.
This moment isn't something my mind has to dissect.
I do not pick apart and put back together your words
like I once did.
I know you mean the language that forms against your tongue.
I know that your eyes will always give way to your heart.
I read you
Like I have never been able to do with a book...
Which says much more about your open heart
That you have left naked for me.
I always thought I'd have to give much more before a man is a man for me
But you have shown me.
That love meets somewhere in the middle.
Though you took a few more steps to let me know
You had no plans on leaving...
At least not without me.
I love you.
I read you.
I am here.
I want to stay.
I want you to stay.
I like that I feel this.

I want to tell you that the shore comes back for the sea like I will always come back for you
That the moon comes after the sun to ensure just enough beauty that your eyes can tolerate it
You are beauty rapped in man.
And my mind can’t stay off you.
And I want to tell you so many things
So many things so that you see you are loved
I would give you all of me if you would take me but you haven’t
It as if I am a path less taken and far too overlooked .
But, I’d forget all that if only you’d look at me.
Why won’t you look at me
I want you to look at me like you do the stars at night
And I want you to see what I’m trying to show you
I want you feel what I’m trying to give you
I want to give you my love and pour it over your wounds so that you feel what it is I see with you
I want your eyes to see what heart feels
What I’m too scared to voice
But I’d do it if I were close to losing you
And I feel as though you are trying to be a noble man and love the earth by withdrawing you
But please don’t leave.
Stop right here and look at me
I have taken your scars for you
I have given you some medicine to fix the indents careless people have made
And I’m standing here naked for you
Giving you all of me.

So I was done with waiting for the moon
I decided that love came when you opened yourself to the thought that someone may think gold of you
And my God did I see it when you smiled
You grew things
The way you touched me with those dark seas
And made me feel as if the room had shrunk
This all became unglued for you
I like the way you parted silences by kissing me
Making regret hesitating in giving into you
You are heart beats and stop lights
You feed me and slow me down enough to appreciate the way the wind moves when it is dancing for you
Sorry that I could not stay here
Sorry that I got scared
You made me see
Legs in snow
Lips in rain
Arms in storms
Eyes in night
Love in ***
Light in dark
I saw you in nature, everywhere I looked
And that is when I knew
That I was done with waiting for the moon.

You are divine.
As I gaze at you laying beneath me
I have never tasted any chocolate as rich as you
I have never felt any being quite like your presence
I am stuck in an elevator with you even when you are miles away.
I feel you
And you see me
And you love it.
I didn’t know happiness could pierce a person like this
But you have created such a center
That gravity holds no bars to.
I never meant to love you
Quite like this.
But your smile is the most profound thing I have breathed in months
And I will forever be changed in this.
You flow through me like the wind that dances through my hair
You have shattered all reason to run.
You have created a falter in my plans
That has upset my schedule so far into perfection
I so am in love with you.
God gave me strength in waiting for you
I have spent an abundance of my years running from this moment
But He brought you here
He made me for “here”
Be deliberate with me.
Stay true in you.
Right here.
Right now.
I have wanted you like this for all these years.

I always exit the train before it crashes,
I am so frightened of becoming someone else’s collateral damage...
Then the sadness sets in, because I don’t know what happens once I leave.
Could I have waited a little longer?
Would I be the sun in a new story?
Would the rain stop?
Would the pain stop?
Would I stop being scared and planning ahead because of it?
Did I miss something beautiful?
... I’m sure I did.
Next time I should stay on the train and wait.
Maybe there won’t be sadness after the crash...
Maybe the rain will stop...

I feel as though I am dying here, waiting to feel something... to be moved irrevocably by something or someone...
and I am not the only one.

today looks like knowing.
it looks like coming to and realizing that making me feel hard to love has more to do with your heart than mine.

realizing you brought out the lesser parts of me.
the unease,
the pain,
the doubt,
all this waiting

and in the end you are only sadness.
and i’ve fought my whole life for happy.
i’ve fought my whole life for the opposite of you.
there are no regrets here, because this brought me closer to myself.
closer to trusting me.

all this time i was waiting for the silence,
to hear the right voice in my head.
...it took so long
because i thought I was waiting for you.

it’s taken me a very long time to realize
you were never what I wanted,
but you looked like it.
you smelled like home,
you felt like peace.
I kept mistaking you for calm
when you were just an empty room when I entered.
...and if this is what love is,
I want no parts of it.
I take away my own joy too much
to allow you to leave me wanting
and waiting too.
I’m so tired of not lying next to love at night and I don’t want to fight for love alone anymore.