I struggled in the past
To write a respectable rhyme
More I create the harder it gets
Have to put in increasing time
But this is the first time in months
By far the most in years
Inspired I have felt
It's all thanks to my tears
Bad news is I'm crying
That means more pain
Root of excellence isn't sunshine
For me it's pouring rain
Meaning hidden in the suffering
Can't feel good 100% of the time
Otherwise things wouldn't feel good at all
Without other to compare it to
Is no difference between short and tall
I express better in shades of sorrow
Than I do in colorful rainbows and bliss
Negative emotions waiting in my soul
I try to verse happiness
Doesn't come out sounding truly authentic
That's because it's forced
Words meant to gallop freely
Not corralled
Coerced
I suffer writers block in moments of peace
In a way I'm grateful we are apart
Won't lie and say I'm not bothered by it
At least the result is some beautiful art

I did not realize the weight of all these bad decisions
Directly in the shade cast by massive collisions
Needed to move somewhere warm
Escape the cycle of snow
Garden was fading when it needed to grow
For own sanitys sake I fled
Couldn't outrun the hell inside my head

Though I am by myself
You are always with me

My shadow had taken shape of your own

The silence loudly leads me down long winding paths deep
The darkest crevices of my troubled mind

The more I veer to avoid pull attempting to navigate thoughts to a happier place
Faster I race to the opposite destination
Location I have grown to rightfully hate

Why must memory torture me so?

I wish I could harness control

I long to shrug off my shoulders like a coat two sizes too big

Heavy
Unbecoming

But you stick tighter to my body than my very own skin

Take more space in my veins than my blood

Your life holds far more importance than the pathetic one I endure myself every day

I bottle emotions up
Learned that from you

I know that is not healthy but since you are never going to get better there is no point in me getting well either

It appears to be working swell for you so why not give it a shot?

Being a 20-something year old crybaby sure was not doing me any favors

Only still am an emotional wreck
I am a little more fluent in composure now

So writhe on the inside instead

A blank expression while war rages within

Morals and values defending self-esteem as best as they can from attacks from demons with their most powerful weapons
Doubt
Degredation

Battleground foggy with lies you said
Bombs exploding with the sound of laughter
Smelling gunpowder from the fireworks set off just by merely visualizing your face

A whole ****** battle concealed by layers of makeup and brushed brunette hair

And worst thing about this isn't even the casualties

It's that you are not even worth the fight

The pieces of us
Puzzle way too hard to solve
I won't stop trying

I've stopped time in fantasies
What can I do to make it real?
Is it a crime to be honest
Expressing how I feel?

Been solving puzzle since day one
Haven't made much progress
Has love become an object to you?
You no longer want to possess?

Evolved
Different creatures
Hard as I tried to resist
Clock hands pushing us forward
They felt more like fists

Have problems gotten the best of us?
Way over our heads
Dissolving our hopes and dreams
Drowning in separate beds

No reason to keep fighting
Nothing left to continue reaching for
Were unwilling victims of change
Still hold onto the life we knew before

On mind without consent
Cold October memories
Lost myself in my descent
Shattered to bits with ease

No reason for suffering
I was a complication
To the past I cling
Scream in frustration

Yet silently demons pace
I don't stand a chance
Dreaming of your face
Echoes of fading romance

Wishing traces of presence away
Dear
Hurts to hope
Will be a passing thought someday
Now I fail to cope

At the point my strength departs
Find my pieces are far too scattered
I write about as many parts
Betrayal proved never mattered

Praying to go crazy
Forget your name
I'm finding that too hard to do
Desperate to peel off the shame
Sticking to skin like glue

I ask what you want from me
Of your options I am the best
Leaves
Clothing long shed from trees
Makes me miss way our bodies undressed

Much like love
Foliage now dead
Under layers of snow
Yet you pretend like it's summer instead
Fantasies you won't let go

Once again you look past conflict
Flowers in your brain fully in bloom
However despair renders me a derelict
Then it forces me closer to my tomb

Life lately more like death
Must learn to understand
When your fear takes the form of breath
You'll have stood where I stand

And body races through my thoughts
Lingering
Winter's chill
All of the memories twist and tie knots
Reminding I love you still

Everyone says
"Do whatever makes you happy"
Don't mention the cost of it though
You do not know the price until your choices
Come collect and tell you what you owe

In moments you don't realize
Consequences of what you do
Only after it's too late
You can see what would have been best for you

Some decisions too expensive
Until you get the bill you won't know
By then you can't go back and choose
Different directions to go

So bear in mind that every action
And mistake is a tattoo
No matter how costly our regrets
Every one we can never undo

Having trouble adjusting
Constant loneliness
Experienced it before
Never in excess
A dream the closest I get to someone
Search for a face but still see none
Easy making reasons for why I am alone
Much harder ignoring truth already known
It pushes my ribcage so I can't breathe right
Gladly suffocate to keep it out of sight
It comes into peripheral without my permission
Against eye sockets allegations beyond admission
True stories block from my view just in time
Deciding to turn and climb
Is that urgent buzzing I hear in my ear?
With shake of my head I make doubts disappear
They fall hard
They land in my heart
Can no longer deny we are from now on apart

I say I don't care
Laugh at problems like it's fine
Masking hurt I feel

I saw 25 years flash before my tired eyes
Third of my life is over
Older with every sunrise

The best way to fall asleep
Someone else's arms
Dream a mutual dream
Futures with a fairytale finish
How movie actors seem

Future belongs to decisions
That may be too much pressure to take
Shape the life laid out before us
One waiting when we wake

Create world where we're together
Can be reality for you and I
We can manifest fantasies
All we need to do is try

We love how it feels to be in love

Because it is not as bad as being alone

So far but still so close

Your ghost visits me
When night falls I dream of love
Sweet dreams to our fears

Happy birthday to sherlie
The best person I know
Another year has passed by
You continue to grow
Though we are not as close as before
The love that I hold in my heart
Has only gotten stronger with time
Even when we are miles apart

I've died and gone to hell I think
Tortured hundreds of ways
Times have never been darker
Ran out of words I dare not say

Every letter comes up to the back of my throat
And forget how to make them sound right
Rhyme and reason spilled on paper
Because my windpipe is too tight

If I was still alive and well
Each time I try to take a breath
I would inhale air into my lungs
Not suffocate like meeting death

Die a little more every day
I'd stop it if I were able
Have no choice but to become a ghost
An invisible body
Unstable

Amount of change I've experienced
Lifespan doesn't even compare
To the process of decomposition
Decaying skin I wear

Sense no longer lives here
It's only madness in my mind
Cannot form a rational idea
Ever since you left me behind

The noise of the moving planet
Has faded into the background
Now that I haunt my family home
Television static is the only sound

I listen for a heartbeat
Or a pulse of any sort
But when referring to any signs of life
My senses come up short

No blood courses through these dusty veins
There lies no color in my skin
Drained of remaining energy
A walking corpse the vessel I'm in

Temperature of my tissue has dropped
Down to an icy degree
Muscles frozen in place by fear
Shadows consuming all I see

Bit by bit my spirit rots slowly
My heart already still
Numb to every emotion but one
The agony is too strong to ****

I am always in a hurry
To get you out of my mind
Love stops me at every turn
Can't leave you behind