nothing but static
i despise the static
i wanna **** it
but it's
untouchable
invisible

it's a metaphor
it's another realm
it's another life
another universe
a timeline i wish to erase
a heart that only breaks

i don't feel like myself
i feel unreal
reality feels distant
like a fading memory
when did this ****
when will it end
dne ti lliw nehw

metal, iron, sharp and narrow
canvas, skin, blood and marrow
metal meets skin, iron comes rushing
scarring the canvas, all but hushing

i'm tired of trying, i'm tired of fighting, i'm tired of the psychosis and i'm tired of lying. i'm tired of yelling, tired of creating delusions, tired of everything in between.

tired of fusions, tired of breathing, tired of always taking and never giving. i'm tired of myself. i'm tired of you, i'm tired of everything we ******* do.

i'm tired of life, i'm tired of living, i'm tired of how i'm always fake and never revealing. i'm tired of the loneliness, tired of breathing, tired of not having a knife to my throat.

so i dig it deep down, down to my core. right through my throat, past all my bone. let it all out, let my life end, i hope we begin after we end.

Here I sit
Memories of last night flooding my mind
Trying to find a rhythm or maybe even a rhyme
Some sort of way to try and make sense of what happened inside

A breakdown
A knife
A bottle of red wine
And certain fateful thoughts running down the line

A death
A loss
A tragedy
And yet another bottle of red wine

A thought
A memory
A fateful blow
And a final bottle of "red wine"

Would you watch me fall tenth story off our balcony
It's all I want
Push me closer to my fantasy

Like who's at fault when these demons come back for me
Got a heart of stone
But 'm dying 'cause you left me

I'm better off when I'm dead
Want a bullet through my head
Paint the floor deep dark red

"I love you" that's what she said
Hurt is all she left me with
I'm better off when I'm dead

**** all these other *******
These stitches
These tricks 'n hoes
You're the only one I want
You're the one I chose

Would it be okay
Will it ever be

If we just faded into the sky
Faded, just you and I
Away from all the worries and fears
The depression and anxiety
Away from it all
Simply escaped into another reality

Would it be okay
Will it ever be
If we just faded
Just you and me

Running around in circles in the February rain
She’s been here many times before
But never without the pain

The memories haunt her once pleasant dreams
Night after night having to deal with the unpleasant scenes
Turn off the lights, Lie down, and face the demons living inside your head

Ash to ashes
Dusk to dusk
Her depression is completely void of dust

The depressing sceneries fill her mind
While the shadows begin to drown her
Another soul is taken by the February Rain way too soon

Yet another February Defeat
Yet another soul has gone too soon

The tears are backed up so much
I wish they’d come
I wish they’d run
And finally get all of my emotions to out of my headspace

A shell that’s almost numb
Run down from the lifelong fight
Often feeling dumb
And always in fight or flight

A father whom is barely home
A mother whom I only know over the phone
Ever since the last one left
I’ve been living in a basically broken home

Night after night
Day after day
I still feel the same pain
And still comes the same rain

Suicidal contemplation's
Consumed by anxious thoughts
Filled with my worst fears
And followed by my vulnerabilities and desperate actions

An emotionally unstable demon
One whom tries to be happy
But is beaten down every time
And left alone in his own minds creation of purgatory

Although we're together again
I feel so far away
I miss having you here
I wish you would stay...

You're love is a medicine
It takes away all my pain
But I don't know if I can say
That you will love me for one more day

She left me here to die alone
She left me here alone
She left without me...

Her lying in pain
Her blue face
Her last breath...

All these things still haunt me
And all of them refuse to leave my mind

We are complication
Dancing in the night without a care in our heads
Loving each other like we’d someday share beds
But still merely holding on by a thread

We are denial
Blaming ourselves for mistakes that never could’ve been avoided
Feeling that one another would be better off without the other
And missing the big picture hidden within the darkness of our cover

We are the night
Talking until we fall asleep and loving every minute of it
Yet feeling that we went wrong somewhere down the line
Yet continuously loving each other just the same

We are beautifully broken
We’ve been broken down by our pasts
We’ve never known what it’s like to truly be loved by anyone
Yet we love as if we’ve known how to for thousands of millennia

I wish to hold your hands in mine
To hold you close and breath you deep
To feel your love for real

But we are simply digital friends
You're love feels real
As does everything else

But the screen holds us back
It holds us back from what could be
What should be

She says she misses me
She says she still loves me
She says she's a mess without me

But how can that be?
How can she feel that way after I left?
And why...

I miss her
Still love her
And am still a mess without her

Someday we'll feel okay
Maybe I'll even be special to her someday

"Maybe she's talking about me"
"No, why would she be?"
"Because she misses you."
"No, she doesn't. Not after what you did."
"But she does, and she hasn't been the same since you left."
"You're wrong, she's more than fine without me."

It's a constant war in my head
And this is only one example of a battle

Ever since I left I've not been the same
But I can't go back
She doesn't want me back
And she never will

Do you miss me?
Do you love me?
Do you care if I live or die?

Why should you?
Why would you?

I don't deserve your love
I don't deserve your caring
I don't deserve you

And I never will

My love for you still runs strong
As strong as you are
As strong as I am

Love is psychotic
Especially my love for you
Maybe I'm insane
Maybe I'm naive
But I still love you

I miss you
I miss your smile
I miss your voice
And I miss your love

Last time we spoke I said I didn't wish to speak to you
I practically said that I've not even missed you
But it's all pretty little lies
Lies to try and make myself forget the past
But I can't keep lying to myself or you

The truth is that I miss you
Quite a lot
And even though there's a wall between us
I wish to break through
For in the end I'll still always miss you

"When one hasn't met death
Yet the other has
How are you supposed to feel?"

I'm unsure for the most part
But I'm filled with...
Sadness
Despair
Hoplessness
And endless pain

For although one of them isn't 6 feet deep
Does not mean the pain from the other isn't there anymore

The pain that arose from her death engulfs me and will do so forevermore

Time always seems to be passing by
Never slowing, always flowing
The rate at which speed flows at is painful
It's painful because it constantly puts more and more time and space between me and you

And the more time and space between us
The more I miss you

I keep my schedule free
My contact list empty
And my wrists stained red
Just so when death comes to visit me
She makes sure I'm found dead

I am but a pawn in this world
Just another piece of their game
One that can be disposed of without hesitation
Either they do it, or I do

What is the difference?

Flirting with death is my favorite thing to do
She often tells me that I don't have to make it through
That I can escape with her and we can run through the night together
Sometimes she takes the face of "her"
And other times she takes the face of a person I don't recognize

Flirting with death fills my head with lies
But sometimes I think what she says is true
That people don't need me
That people would be better off without me
That joining her is better than being with life

And the last time she told me all of that...
I almost joined her
But I failed to do so
Just like I always do

Death called me last night
She told me everyone would be better off without me
That I wouldn't hurt any longer
That if I joined her... I'd not have to be away from "her" for any longer

I flirted with her for a while
But in the end
I hung up the phone

I said it was forever
But I let it slip away
I said I'd never leave her
But still I took my leave
I said I'd always save her
But there I let her lay

At least I wasn't wrong about one thing...
I wasn't wrong about always loving her

But what does that matter when everything else was wrong?

It was my fault
All of it was
And now she's gone
Because of me
Both of them are gone
Still because of me
And I'm almost gone too
For when all you know dies
You slowly die too

It's all too much to handle
The memories of her
The memory of her death...
It's all too much to handle

As the walls crumble around me
And all the memories of her race through my head
I take one last breath...
And face the bliss that is death

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And you are too

But the roses have wilted
The sugar is gone
My wrists are now ******
Because your sweetness is gone

Although I don't know you
And can't talk to you
That doesn't mean I don't care about your words
Or your caring for me
It just means that I'm too afraid to talk to you
For the last time I spoke to someone I didn't know...
It ended badly
And I can't let that happen again
And I'm sorry that I can't be there
But...
I feel that it's better this way

How does one move on when the one thing they need in life is gone?

How does one start to love again when the love of their life is gone?

How does one stop wanting to die because every loss they've experienced haunts them every single second?

I don't know...
But I'm tired
And ready to leave

As the red gushed out to resemble a river on the floor, there was a sense of tranquility that was never there before.
And although that lasted but a minute, it was worth it.

I'm sorry for doing this to you
On top of all else I've done
But I had to do this

I had to stop hurting
And I had to find peace
And this was the only way to do that

I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye
I've never really known how to
And they always hurt too much
But I hope my leaving doesn't hurt you too badly

In my final moments, I was beyond weak
My mind... it was done
My body needed to rest
And my soul... it was ready to be free once more

Please don't remember me the way I was yesterday
But instead
The way I was last year
Smiling, laughing, and generally happy
Not crying, shaking, and screaming

And please...
Don't leave the ones you love, simply because I left you
Stay with them
Make them feel loved
And make them feel cared for

And to you, my sister...
If you're reading this, I'm especially sorry to you
I wish I could've said goodbye to you
But I never got the chance to
And if I had of gotten the chance
I wouldn't of known how to say "Goodbye"
Just... remember
Remember that I loved you more than anything
Remember that I cared about you
And remember that you were important to me

To all others...
I'm sorry for everything
I'm sorry this road has to end
And I'm sorry I had to meet my end

But in the end...
You'll see me again
All of you will...

I love you

Goodnight

Don't leave because I did

Stay, make others happy in my memory
Love everybody, through the thick and thin
Remember me, not how I am now but instead how I was then
Find the light within the dark

And please, if all else fails...
Don't leave the same way I did

When the morning comes I'll no longer be here
My mind and body will no longer be one
My body can finally rest
While my soul can continue to roam

Theres nothing left to be said
Nobody left to be seen
Nothing left to be felt

So why should I keep being?

(Longish Read)
------------------------
Coming home to a face I don't recognize
She always has a way of coming back to me
Her home is my butterfly garden
The one place nobody else has ever seen

She's poisoned my butterflies
But I've wilted my own Rose

I'm stuck in my own creations of hell;
Captivating thoughts of what could've been
Captivating dreams where she visits me

Some would say "Why're you stressing? Everything you're experiencing is a part of a blessing." But that's wrong, because this "blessing" is what keeps me constantly stressing

She left her mark and I solidified it
She gave me scars that I deepened
She told me things that have consumed me
And now...
From these scars, her mark, and her words
I'm trying to piece together an some sort of an escape from my own personal creation...
My own personal hellscape

Don't get too close to me
Don't ever love me
Don't ever care for me
Because in the end...
We'll just both leave each other hurt

As I look up to the starry sky
Time stands still
I remember the stories she would tell me
The ones about her getting up in the middle of the night just to gather her thoughts and look at the starry sight
Those stories brought me such joy

But the stories are over
They've been put on a shelf
Now the only thing I wonder
Is if my story should be put on a shelf too

Runny nose
Broken heart
Tear filled eyes

These are all side effects...
Side effects of when your best friend dies

I know you won't see this
Because you're hurt
You're broken
You're altogether gone
But... I have to try

My intentions were never to hurt you
I just wanted to love you
I had never shown you that
Frankly...
I showed you the exact opposite at every turn

I gave my love to the wrong person
It shouldn't of been given to her
It should've been given to you
All of it should've been given to you

I showed you that I hate you
That I wish you weren't in my life
That I didn't want you in any way

But none of it was truthful

I loved you
I needed you
And I wanted you in every way possible

And I know you loved me
I know you cared about me
I know that you wanted me
And I don't understand why anymore

How could I hurt you, when I loved you so much?
How could I of done anything I did in that situation when I loved you so much?
And why?

The truth is...
I don't know
I don't know why

But I know one thing for sure
I need you back

But that's not going to happen
Because I'm too late
All of this is too late
My apology
My reaching out
My everything
It's all too late

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry