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xavier thomas Sep 2022
~My Mind

You don’t know…
The hours I’ve spent staying up at night on my vision board planning, writing, dreaming, listening to music to calm my thoughts.
Mind racing the course on if I’m going to die alone today with no one next to me.
Causing imaginary problems that never existed.
I don’t want that for you.

But when I snap back into reality
I see through your eyes, bright blue flames that burns in desire of need to be successful.
Those same fiery eyes I once had at your age
lets me know you can withstand any challenge that comes your way.
Because you, my child, are apart of me.
Who am I to place sheltered fears when it’s obvious you’re ready to start your foundation.

So when I snap back into reality

~“My beloved child, I want you to be better than me & how I lived.”
xavier thomas Sep 2022
~My Mind

You don’t know
The pain I’ve experienced in multiple failed relationships that I’ve ran from
just to reroute back into a new host.
A recycling mindset thinking I found the one once again.
A mentality to give up quickly when problems arise vs have patience towards my lover point of view.
or or or  simply think they won’t hurt me for the last time.
Contemplate percentages on how much emotion I should show.
Do you really want to go through this because I don’t think you do kid!?
xavier thomas Sep 2022
~My Mind

You don’t know…
The trauma I’ve fought daily within myself to do the right thing-
because my own flesh wanted to do what it wanted to do & not God’s way.
Trying to still be low-key “perfect” in an imperfect world, yet feels perfect world.
Saying “I got it I got it” when I’ve never had it until faith took me faithfully that day because I was lucky.
Not realizing the weapon that prospered against me, was me.
xavier thomas Sep 2022
~My Mind

You don’t know.
Having to constantly prove my worth to those I adore.
Seeking validation for my hard work, ideas, my worth
just for them to say meaningless words
in criticism at my dreams
or spit perceptions upon my feet in foul laughter,
All just for approval…
xavier thomas Sep 2022
~My Mind

You don’t know.
You don’t know the pressure & weight I’ve endured as a black man.
On this battlefield with 50 other different shades of skin,
surviving on pay checks, to fight to the top of the throne we humans call “business”.
Trying to make beyond the figures of one’s lifetime to pay off rooted tree debts.
Defending my honor in pride & through ego in demand
that the next man will not 1-up me.
Because I owe it to my family since I’m the chosen one.
xavier thomas Sep 2022
She’s afraid of me because I know what I want
Sep 2022 · 445
Hey Big Head
xavier thomas Sep 2022
She placed me as her best friend.
Finally pulling me out of her “friend zone” because she failed to grab the man she really wanted.
Sep 2022 · 249
Moving On….
xavier thomas Sep 2022
Dear Hater,
Continue to take lead in the path of destruction while I’ll continue to take lead in the path of success 🤞🏾
Sep 2022 · 367
Blogs
xavier thomas Sep 2022
You were the one hitting my line, throwing me signs, trying to catch my attention. Then I give you the time of day, & now you’re unsure???? Stop being indecisive🙄😑
Sep 2022 · 144
She’s Mine
xavier thomas Sep 2022
I knew
She was the
One
When she
Listen to
My trauma,
And began
To nurture me
Whole
Sep 2022 · 307
Ms. Indecisive
xavier thomas Sep 2022
It’s not fun
reinsuring
my position with you,
looking from my view,
when those feelings
became one sided.

It’s not fun
accepting
those false facts about how
you’ve done a full 360 change,
not realizing
you’ve fallen back into the same space.

It’s not fun
watching
you go back and forth
with your state of mind
when you simply can’t
decide on what you want.
Sep 2022 · 249
“Put Money On It!”
xavier thomas Sep 2022
Two good friends : JJ & B
both battling one-on-one.
A $100 bet on the line.
Who’s the better big man
on the court at the park?
Score is tied, 7-up, game point for either one.
Things get chippy down to the wire.
Trash talking, cussing,
elbows thrown, emotions high,
people commentating the sidelines.
“Game! Money time!”- is called after scoring the last bucket on JJ part.  

Until B refuses to pay.
From one man to another,
pride and ego is in the way, *** rushing the arena, causing havoc.
Brawl almost break out, one-time is called,
crowd scatters like roaches away from the sky lights as sirens flash below.
From one man to another,
lack of accountability was held from this bet.
Sep 2022 · 76
Wednesday evening
xavier thomas Sep 2022
As I sit in the car on injury duty
blowing AC in 90 degrees
reading poetry, listening to jazz music,
the youth plays 5on5.
I can’t help but
notice how fun the game
of basketball is when you don’t
take every possession seriously.
They play with full energy.
Meet new friends.
All sorts of ethnicity background
stories on one 90ft court.

Meanwhile,
I can’t shake the feeling
that I’m supposed to be
worshiping the Lord
in church tonight.

P.S.- Forgive me Father
Nights like this
Sep 2022 · 1.0k
Ready to be next to you
xavier thomas Sep 2022
I just wanna slowly apply some pressure.
I knew you were special the second we started texting.
Give me a minute, I’m about to express my confessions.
Been waiting on you, to make a move, to make this move.
Cause you…cause you… you’re mine

You’re protected under my care when you’re with me.
You submit as much as you honor me respectfully.
And when you need quality time, just call me.
Im always here for you Ms. Lady.
Ready to be next to you, just you.

When you need me, baby I got you
Deep in these feelings, I’m so inspired
Share with me your thoughts and desires
I’m just so excited
Cause I’m ready to be next to you… Just you…


Now, I just wanna make things very clear baby.
I want this to be official and not a fling baby.
Cause I’m ready to receive this ring with some kids baby.
Gifts from me to you baby.

Cause I’m ready to be next to you…
Oh na na na, woah-oahhh.

Think I already said more than enough.
So let’s make this a reality and have some fun.
Baby I’m ready to fall in love
And show more of where this comes from
Happy to start this journey with you,
start this journey with you.

When you need me, baby I got you
Deep in these feelings, I’m so inspired
Share with me your thoughts and desires
I’m just so excited
Cause I’m ready to be next to you… Just you…
Aug 2022 · 40
mmmm… backwards
xavier thomas Aug 2022
When did it become my responsibility
to remind you
that you still owe me money?!
You was real quick to ask for it,
so you need to be quick about
“pay your debt!”
May 2022 · 761
doesn’t hurt
xavier thomas May 2022
I can’t wait
for the day
I
open up to her,
knowing
she will never
use my past
as
ammunition
May 2022 · 880
Drunk ass
xavier thomas May 2022
Pre-drinking
but when was the last time you put something in your savings?
Apr 2022 · 388
I just got here
xavier thomas Apr 2022
How long are you going to
penalize me for your past
that I had nothing to do
with as a new man?
Apr 2022 · 50
Better Half
xavier thomas Apr 2022
“What’s the point in having all of these accomplishments if I can’t even share these moments with somebody???”

~One of the many reasons why I’m gonna get married.
Apr 2022 · 712
Forgive or Forget?
xavier thomas Apr 2022
When I was younger,
I couldn’t understand why
I forgave so quickly. I despised it.
Now, I’m thankful I forgive quickly.
Keeping that negativity in
your temple is too much.
Apr 2022 · 265
Money talk
xavier thomas Apr 2022
our mouths talk checks,
what our pockets can’t cash.
Mr. KS
Apr 2022 · 116
Type
xavier thomas Apr 2022
I know I’m not your type you usually go for
But when I’m done with you tonight
You’ll wake up wishing you were mine
Apr 2022 · 690
Dating like🙄…
xavier thomas Apr 2022
I’m amazed by your intuition
knowing everything else,
but doesn’t know a single thing
when I ask -“So tell me about yourself?”
Apr 2022 · 1.1k
Yes…
xavier thomas Apr 2022
I wanna sink deeper
Flowing in your ether

Twist & turning all night, pausing every breath
Have my heart through this bond & my soul through this kiss
My conscience, your conscience
Your conscience, my conscience

Take our time
Laying side-to-side
Sensational baby
Can’t hold out in this fight
Feeling your love fall so deep has me drowning
15 minute break until the next round

I wanna take you down
(Take take take)
I wanna to take you down and put your body to bed

I want you to lay me down
(lay lay lay)
I want you to lay me down and show me your best
Apr 2022 · 1.5k
What If- we exchange text
xavier thomas Apr 2022
I know you’re
waiting for my text
to reopen our
paradise door.
And if I do,
you know i’ll sink deeper,
stuck in love,
with your soul more.
maybe you’re worth the risk
Apr 2022 · 979
“Hung up on”
xavier thomas Apr 2022
Listen,
I still have deep feelings for you.
But I’m not gonna be chasing you.
I refuse to be your puppet that follows your every move out here.
You blew your chance when I gave my all in the beginning.
You played on that. You broke that bond.
It’s your fault why I don’t love you the same, my love.
And yet, I’m willing to give it another shot
for redemption.
I just need you to open your eyes.
You know I’m more than a “good man.”
Stop running game. Stop running this race.
Mar 2022 · 717
Don’t love 💔 (pt.2)
xavier thomas Mar 2022
Don’t do me, don’t play me
Don’t use me, mentally abuse me
Just admit you’re not for me
Don’t lie & say you gave me your love

Say anything & everything, just having your way over here
It’s the fake love for me that won’t keep me here
If you ghost me but play like you love me publicly,
Then are we really together?
There’s no happy ending in this fairytale called- “forever”

Never felt,
Never felt love where you stood
Never felt,
Never felt love where you stood
Mar 2022 · 572
Don’t love 💔
xavier thomas Mar 2022
Pretty face, it’s about you isn’t it?
Pretty lies staring at me in those eyes,
I see the dark clouds over your heart
You’re wrong yet you like it, huh???
Crazy to see what kind of woman you are

Say anything & everything, just having your way over here
It’s the fake love for me that won’t keep me here
If you ghost me but play like you love me publicly,
Then are we really together?
There’s no happy ending in this fairytale called- “forever”

Never felt,
Never felt love where you stood
Never felt,
Never felt love where you stood
Mar 2022 · 975
Man in the Mirror
xavier thomas Mar 2022
You know it’s time to go
Don’t amp up your ego
Don’t worry about the romance
You know you’re the definition of a real man

Focus back on your dreams
People depending on you, focus on that team
Just regroup and relax
Your wife will reveal herself, and you know that

I know your heart’s scarred
Yes it *****, but it must end
Just trust me, Zay, you don’t belong to them
Let go you’re not the problem

Look in the mirror and smile
There’s know need to be angry
If it’ll be awhile, then it’ll be a while
Remember you got God, Jesus, and me (you)
Speaking to yourself in the mirror
Mar 2022 · 237
#48
xavier thomas Mar 2022
#48
Dear God ,

When people ask you to deliver a gift,
how serious are they willing to accept it?

When people ask you to bless them,
how patient are they willing to wait?

When people ask you for forgiveness,
how fast are they willing to burn it?

When people question your existence,
how come they believe demons are real right out the gate?

When people refuse to accept their wrong,
how much blame are you receiving for your innocence?

July 7, 2077
Mar 2022 · 324
After the game #mad
xavier thomas Mar 2022
-Let me tell you why I was mad, bruh
-Fans are always pushing for more than enough
-Rumbling their voices during games and such
-So i burn their opinions through this blunt
-We give it our all, even when it is rough
-Earlier, that’s why my anger was build up
-Sometimes those voices get to my head, thinking to much
-So I get high to let it go, let it go, let it go
Conversation:
heart to heart- soul to soul- brother to brother
~one man to another🏀
Mar 2022 · 172
#49
xavier thomas Mar 2022
#49
Dear God,

I want to be vulnerable real quick because I know it’s unacceptable in today’s world for a men to be.

One day back in my college days,
A man tried to force himself on me at a party who I considered a friend.
He low key kept serving drinks to me and my home girl so I would eventually black out.
He would grab a small piece of my shirt a certain way that had me thinking & question -“What is he doing?”
His focus and objective was only me. Not her.
Lucky for me I knew when to stop drinking and notice the odd vibe he was giving off.
After we left, he called me the next morning confessing his feelings + what he wanted to do to me.
Knowing I was straight. I told him I only love women, period.

So I’m telling this story today to forgive him.

October 1, 2016
Mar 2022 · 183
#47
xavier thomas Mar 2022
#47
Dear God,

Tonight I can’t sleep. We lost our child through a miscarriage, even though we’re young adults ourselves. Happy to being an unhappy daddy for a nameless child, hurts my soul. I personally was so ready to become a great father. I guess life has other plans for the two of us.

I pray my ******* child is in heaven & forgiven


April 2 , 2016
Mar 2022 · 204
#50
xavier thomas Mar 2022
#50
Hey God, Jesus, Angels, Kingdom of Heaven

This is my last letter I will be writing.
I want to thank you,
for my existence.
to let me write this story in my version.
for opening the door to speak to you.
to help express my thoughts & truth to the world.

Thank you for being in my corner through the years.
Because this is my final letter.

Eternity coming soon~Zay❤️

June 20, 2070
Mar 2022 · 275
#46
xavier thomas Mar 2022
#46
Dear God,

I’m trying to get her off the market so no one else picks her.
She’s too valuable to give up.

Lifetime Limited Edition

June 22,  2013
Mar 2022 · 194
#45
xavier thomas Mar 2022
#45
When people read this book.
I pray for them. For a clear open mind. With a genuine heart. They come with questions. Speak their truth. Take time to get to know you and themselves. No judgment here.
I pray they are able to see themselves for the first time in the mirror. Giving a high-5 of that inner star player right in front of them. Simply because healthcare is rich.
Nothing’s taken personal. Just understanding. Nobody being attacked. But heard. No disrespect. Just respect.
We, your creation, are here to have a conversation with you to learn more about the things you do.
So please grant us to ask questions. Not question your ability.
It is time to sit at the holy table.
~Present Day~
Mar 2022 · 532
Last Choice
xavier thomas Mar 2022
Even though I understand,
I’m getting tired of understanding
Done being your last
Mar 2022 · 1.2k
#44
xavier thomas Mar 2022
#44
Dear God,

I am the ideal of what a man look like that brings protection, connection, while sometimes respected.
I carry open flaws that are continuously worked on daily.
A good 5-figure man , half way to 6-figures, that has his own everything.
My attitude’s attitude is in check,
the power I hold is self-controlled,
never to go on a rampage.
When one sees my character, it defines what a “man” is or can be.
An example of code ethics which give gifts and sacrifices time as if it’s my duty to live for others rather than myself.

And yet, I am not the man she wants.
Not the 60% rich men who lives in a 6-figure + size house, bank account, traveling anytime as one so do please.  
Not the 60% rich men who she thinks she deserves when she has absolutely nothing to bring to the table but only her temporary looks aging through time because she claims, “she is the table”.
The 60% rich men who is an illusion because in reality, social media & society continues to trick and cloud women minds under a false promise that there’s a huge amount of rich men, when in fact only 1% are. Yet, that 1% could care less.

March 13, 2013
I am the “ideal” man; just not the man she wants.
Feb 2022 · 507
Push life back
xavier thomas Feb 2022
i just show out
blessed and grateful
ball is my life
game comes natural

hater said don’t let
talent change you
that’s how i know
“talent” ain’t you

skills, i been had
new deals, i’m so glad
folks just take notes
they just big mad

mouth so sinful
ego so full
they just waste time
disrespectful

humble of my mind
ignore the hype
stay in the gym,
dedicate my life

to the craft life
work hard each night
success’s a struggle
this is my grind

reaching my goals
cash in billions
help out lost souls
give back millions

my style is classic
IQ brilliant
just hit different
one in a million
“When something push you, you push back”
Basketball 🏀
Feb 2022 · 1.4k
You statistic
xavier thomas Feb 2022
You didn’t give a __ about that women you slept with.
You “man” only cared about yourself.
When you lowkey forced having your way
When you lied about slipping a ****** on
When she told you- “don’t place a seed in me because I’m not on birth-control anymore.”
She cried her heart out towards you cause she felt like it was a safe place.
Yet, you didn’t care bruh.

What is responsibility to you?
What is accountability to you?
Feb 2022 · 2.0k
Not good for (pt.2)
xavier thomas Feb 2022
i don’t know how to get ahold of you.
i know i love you but i’m still afraid to open up to you.
i just feel so lost while trying not to hurt you.
thought i was ready to receive,
this prayer when i asked for a man like you.

tonight- i think we need to be more patient
tonight- i just want to be in your presence
tonight- coming to a realization
love can’t be this dangerous
this love can’t be this dangerous

this not good for you
this is not good for you
i can’t take your heart for granted
hope you understand where i stand and
this not good for you
this is not good for you
i can’t take your heart for granted
hope you understand where i stand on this
Her point of view:
She fallen in love, but soon realized she was not ready for the real deal of what she asked for. Taking a step back.
Feb 2022 · 1.8k
Not good for
xavier thomas Feb 2022
i don’t know how to get ahold of you.
when you zone out and i see you’re not okay.
i wish that i can help you when your mind goes blank.
seems like your mind been racing a lot these days.

other days, i don’t know how to get ahold of you.
when i say “i love you”, but you don’t believe me.
feels like it causes you to double-think twice about me.
past life is in your current life, making you run from me.

tonight- i think we need to be more patient
tonight- i just want to be in your presence
tonight- coming to a realization
love can’t be this dangerous
this love can’t be this dangerous

this not good for you
this is not good for you
i can’t take your heart for granted
hope you understand where i stand and
this not good for you
this is not good for you
i can’t take your heart for granted
hope you understand where i stand on this
His point of view:
He has fallen in love. But soon realized the cards that he was dealt with. Trying to move forward
Feb 2022 · 495
Am I yours? (Intro)
xavier thomas Feb 2022
I want you to listen.
I don’t need any feedback.
I'm not happy in our relationship.

Mainly because i still feel some type of way from the summer.
Thinking i should bury the situation and my feelings. But i couldn’t.
The idea of telling myself “I’m ok with being pushed away” is ok, is not ok.
Deep down, this will happen again just like everything else did.
Causing us to be off, odd, & awkward.
This doesn’t mean i love you any less.
But i don’t see our relationship getting better.
Even though you pushed me away, I still love you
Feb 2022 · 427
Am I yours? (Pt.1)
xavier thomas Feb 2022
At first,
i did get over the summer
and the “pushing away” part.
I was fine (at first), but never fully.
I kept seeing repeated cycles as if nothing changed after you left.
My house transition from comfortable
to an uncomfortable home.
Some nights, I stay up late thinking about you coming back, only to feel those dark void moments again.
I don’t want that for us.
Apart of me wants to leave.
Even though you pushed me away, I still love you
Feb 2022 · 365
Am I yours? (Pt.2)
xavier thomas Feb 2022
Intimacy is one of my love languages.
But reading your body, you feel odd.
It doesn’t feel natural nor comes easy.
Your mouth says you want me
yet your body is uncomfortable.
I question myself, “Am I attractive for you?”
Believe that if we try again & again
things will never change, it’ll be the same.  
I love pleasing my partner
making my partner feel comfortable.
But that’s not the case here, is it???
Even though you pushed me away, I still love you
Feb 2022 · 331
Am I yours? (Pt.3)
xavier thomas Feb 2022
For awhile now,
i been thinking i came back into your life
as a friend and not a potential husband.
Simply because you needed a friend,
to help you get through whatever you’re truly battling that i'm not aware of.
Show you a different path where you can grow vs Chicago.
Leave the pass behind for good and be truly happy somewhere else without worry about
what others may want from you
or feel like you’re being used.
Even though you pushed me away, I still love you
Feb 2022 · 1.5k
H.E.R
xavier thomas Feb 2022
i’m letting the
whole family know
this poem is for you

(🎶ooh, mmm, mmm, mmm🎶)

and ima stay up
through the night
till sunrise to finish writing
my thoughts about you

(🎶ooh, mmm, mmm, mmm🎶)

Get on one knee
place a ring
on your hand cause
your kids said
-“Daddy I accept you.”

(🎶ooh, mmm, mmm, mmm🎶)
Heart Earned Righteously
Feb 2022 · 334
Play me for keeps ❤️
xavier thomas Feb 2022
the attitude upon on your face
intense pressure coming my way
lowkey, feeling it too

my heart, I know you want it
battling me on this court for it
trying to get me to see your point of view

maybe it’s the drive
maybe it’s the ambition
burning desire you showcasing within you

this is overwhelming
I see your affection
play against me, show what you can do

we should
compete a little
play a little
bet who wins against who
if you
score a little
defend a little
and win, my heart will belong to you
come play me
Jan 2022 · 2.4k
Just thoughts 💭 in poetry
xavier thomas Jan 2022
-The modern day is poor as people continue to act wild
-Lack of accountability been running rounds
for miles
-Marching marathons in remorse for awhile
-Watching expectations come up short as it starts to pile
-Its been a long time that its been a good time now
-Happiness is hard to be found
-Life has emotionally been roller coasting in the pandemic trials
-And time is racing pass the finish line, hoping to make this life count

-I talk pro about growth cause it’s important to me
-But letting go certain habits is a con i’m avoiding in me
-Praying towards my come up. Patience is slow, but surely
-I’ll manage to overcome those traits one day with the burning desire in me
-I know the potential is in me
-Been supporting free speech to damage people to speak out like it’s therapy
-But hold up, who’s volunteering their time for me to hear my story?

-Life’s crazy causing pressure on me
-Single making 50k yearly, but the office career is unhappy
-The girl I love right now not even mentally ready for me
-Of course I love myself but now who’s gonna love me?
-My heart holds hope while beating lonely, and yet
-Waiting patiently for something new and more
-Chances of getting married now is betting a craps game on the floor

-Can’t continue to sleep with this women I have deep feelings for
-If it’s 50/50 we’re not going to be together moving forward
-And if there’s zero chance for us in the future,
then allow me to close our paradise door
-Back to the drawing board of this single world tour
-Letting go is hard, but good for the soul i’m sure
-Healing these deep wounds is speaking straight to the primary source
-So I started writing my confessions in multiple letters to the Lord

-Hoping my sins don’t cast the next stone, which I can’t afford
-Asking God how further away am I from my reward?
-Once I take that first step to obedience, then his light will shine from the door
-This the start when I stop “starting over” and gain a little more
-This the start when blessings touch my hands as they begin to pour
-This the start when feeling apart turns my part into love and adore
-This the start when the heart can fully be restored
-And if there’s a high chance of life turning around, this the time I walk further towards more in store
-Growth is what i’m fighting for
~Love, Zay❤️
Jan 2022 · 495
Think to much…💭
xavier thomas Jan 2022
-someone pray for my family to start moving forward.
-past regrets has my family still walking backwards.
-no gatherings, reunions pass due, no nothin’
-stay in contact mainly on Facebook or group texts.

-I never wanted this
-members can’t get past previous trauma that’s keeping them ******.
-most mindset are like “I don’t rock nor want to bother them.”
-man F**k that -ish
-let’s stick together, we still have time to heal over our egos,
stop trying to quit.

-family wishing to redo their prime past for a better paradise in mind.
-living now is the “fear.”
-since nobody wants to say it, I’ll express this  overbearing feelings.
-the fact my grandma still cooped up in the house feeling worthless
is dangerous cause she feels left out or no one wants to visit her due to “un-build relationships”.
-feeling unfit.

-most members from the Chi-Town calling me like I’m the man now.
-because they can’t get along nor grow together, so i’m their problem solver now.
-sad seeing the family drown, so I pick the pen up to write the words down.
-sometimes it’s embarrassing writing these words down
-but someone has to expose these generational curse truths now.
I’m just a Chicago kid
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