For awhile now,
i been thinking i came back into your life
as a friend and not a potential husband.
Simply because you needed a friend,
to help you get through whatever you’re truly battling that i'm not aware of.
Show you a different path where you can grow vs Chicago.
Leave the pass behind for good and be truly happy somewhere else without worry about
what others may want from you
or feel like you’re being used.

the attitude upon on your face
intense pressure coming my way
lowkey, feeling it too

my heart, I know you want it
battling me on this court for it
trying to get me to see your point of view

maybe it’s the drive
maybe it’s the ambition
burning desire you showcasing within you

this is overwhelming
I see your affection
play against me, show what you can do

we should
compete a little
play a little
bet who wins against who
if you
score a little
defend a little
and win, my heart will belong to you
come play me

-The modern day is poor as people continue to act wild
-Lack of accountability been running rounds
for miles
-Marching marathons in remorse for awhile
-Watching expectations come up short as it starts to pile
-Its been a long time that its been a good time now
-Happiness is hard to be found
-Life has emotionally been roller coasting in the pandemic trials
-And time is racing pass the finish line, hoping to make this life count

-I talk pro about growth cause it’s important to me
-But letting go certain habits is a con i’m avoiding in me
-Praying towards my come up. Patience is slow, but surely
-I’ll manage to overcome those traits one day with the burning desire in me
-I know the potential is in me
-Been supporting free speech to damage people to speak out like it’s therapy
-But hold up, who’s volunteering their time for me to hear my story?

-Life’s crazy causing pressure on me
-Single making 50k yearly, but the office career is unhappy
-The girl I love right now not even mentally ready for me
-Of course I love myself but now who’s gonna love me?
-My heart holds hope while beating lonely, and yet
-Waiting patiently for something new and more
-Chances of getting married now is betting a craps game on the floor

-Can’t continue to sleep with this women I have deep feelings for
-If it’s 50/50 we’re not going to be together moving forward
-And if there’s zero chance for us in the future,
then allow me to close our paradise door
-Back to the drawing board of this single world tour
-Letting go is hard, but good for the soul i’m sure
-Healing these deep wounds is speaking straight to the primary source
-So I started writing my confessions in multiple letters to the Lord

-Hoping my sins don’t cast the next stone, which I can’t afford
-Asking God how further away am I from my reward?
-Once I take that first step to obedience, then his light will shine from the door
-This the start when I stop “starting over” and gain a little more
-This the start when blessings touch my hands as they begin to pour
-This the start when feeling apart turns my part into love and adore
-This the start when the heart can fully be restored
-And if there’s a high chance of life turning around, this the time I walk further towards more in store
-Growth is what i’m fighting for

-someone pray for my family to start moving forward.
-past regrets has my family still walking backwards.
-no gatherings, reunions pass due, no nothin’
-stay in contact mainly on Facebook or group texts.

-I never wanted this
-members can’t get past previous trauma that’s keeping them ******.
-most mindset are like “I don’t rock nor want to bother them.”
-man F**k that -ish
-let’s stick together, we still have time to heal over our egos,
stop trying to quit.

-family wishing to redo their prime past for a better paradise in mind.
-living now is the “fear.”
-since nobody wants to say it, I’ll express this  overbearing feelings.
-the fact my grandma still cooped up in the house feeling worthless
is dangerous cause she feels left out or no one wants to visit her due to “un-build relationships”.
-feeling unfit.

-most members from the Chi-Town calling me like I’m the man now.
-because they can’t get along nor grow together, so i’m their problem solver now.
-sad seeing the family drown, so I pick the pen up to write the words down.
-sometimes it’s embarrassing writing these words down
-but someone has to expose these generational curse truths now.

Privilege child
Actions foul
***** lifestyle
Poor decisions made as he smiles

Black home
Friends gone
Parents tired
Of him using folks, then disowns

Choices bad
Women mad
Memphis child
Lost the trust that he had

Spending cash
$100 stacks
Behavior uncontrolled
Finance is where his knowledge lacks

Lack of care
Pulling back each layer
The pain he hides
Someone come send a prayer

Man-child is grown
Leaving a trail of loans
Selfish son
Refuse to pay back what he owes

Stays equip
Snorting strips
High all the time
On cloud 9 taking another trip

Dear God,

I miss this person I associated myself with.
I miss their presence, their smile, their weird side, their love, their shyness, them laying under me.

However; I revert back to 3 main questions:
Do I miss them because I love them?
Do I miss them because I lust them?
Do I miss them because I left them?


December 7, 1977

Dear God,

I stared my killer in his eyes
as he express his frustration about the past
that he couldn’t redeem.

he told me:
“If I had another opportunity… if I had to **** you to regain what I lost, I would in a heartbeat. No questions asked my G.”

pure pain is what I saw…
killing him softly

instead of being frightened, I wasn’t, I respected him.
Not hating him, I couldn’t, but forgiven him.

in that short moment of him talking
made me understand the value of my young life.

what trip me out the most is that we just finished playing 5v5 ball on the same team,
while asking me for a ride home afterwards.

May 19, 2018

Dear Jesus,

When people say they are “manifesting” something into their lives.
~let’s add good deeds + intentions.~
They go out to get it in the “now” factor
vs. “patient” matter right?
However, in your eyes
does the word manifest cast sin?
That it is not of you, your will?
Because we use it so freely,
overtime
was this word(s) true meaning
swept under the rug
from those who came before us?
maybe it’s a unknown sin to our knowledge
until it’s known?

June 14, 2027

Dear God,

May I ask you a question please?

I wanna know if Lucifer, your first angel, has permission to challenge us (your creation), by your approval?
For example: Lucy makes a request from you, and if accepted, he then tries to show you( Lord) that we (your creation) don’t love you like he say we do because we sin.
As a result, he wants us all for himself in hell.
And if so,

I want you to forgive me as I confess my sins.
But also,
I want to forgive him for thinking he will change me. He will continuously lose + never gain my love over yours.

April 6, 1968

Dear God,

In the book of Genesis:
did snakes back then have legs?
or did the devil create those legs possessing the snake?
I remember reading & speaking with the pastor about how the serpent was deceiving Adam & Eve.
Serpent trick them both to eat from the tree of knowledge (good & evil).
You found out, highly disappointed, then cast Adam & Eve out of the garden.
Afterwards, the Bible talks about you making snakes slither from now on.
So if I’m reading in-between the lines this time, then that’s a scary sight to see snakes walking.

March 11, 1982

She took me serious,
When I included her children who wasn’t my own

She took me serious,
When judgement became irrelevant

She took me serious,
When she trusted me with internal/external wounds

She took me serious,
When clear communication expanded unconditionally

She took me serious,
When trauma or anxiety triggers became nonexistent

She took me serious,
When open conversations felt genuine

She took me serious,
When both bodies were respected

She took me serious,
When priority meant sacrifice willingly

She took me serious,
When God was involved

well-defined, bottom line
be victorious all the time
it’s my guy and just me
for all others to see
show our talent is our thing
scoring bucket’s what we bring

I’m your master plan…
I’m your master plan…
I’m your master plan…

big dream & grind
a player with odd circumstance
battle life with a game of chance
practice hard through the trails
you’ll be rewarded with a great big smile
be thankful for the past
life will change for you very fast
Oh, oh, oh, yeah…..

-I don’t wanna lose in this game
-I’d rather be close to you in your space
-It’s your ball, the score is 7 to 8
-Check-up, game-point, let’s get after it bae

-Even though we’re battling, I’ll only battle with you
-We can play all night, till it’s morning light with you
-Guard you tight with all my might, I’ll take the challenge with you
-So even though we’re battling, I’ll only battle with you

-You better use all your tricks and your tools, this game here I’m not about to lose,
You know I’ll battle with ya

-We can finish this game playing R&B tunes,
head home to make love afterwards boo,
You know I’ll battle with ya

-You always have something to prove,
that’s what I’ve always loved about you,
You know I’ll battle with ya

Dear God,

Remember the time our twin moms
sat down with me & my cousin
as we decided to leave our old home
for a better life back then?
The four of us signing our rights
over to our new guardians
to take us in for a higher education
and a chance at life vs the streets.
Our first big grownup decision as kids.
It was also our first encounter
with racism. The district tried everything
in their power to keep us away
making excuses:
“There’s to many kids.”
“Judge won’t allow these kids from the north.”
“We don’t want troubled kids.”
” It’s not a good look.”
What they were actually saying
was they won’t accept black kids.
Nothing but trouble. Scared of us.
The county hated us, but never knew us.
People judged us, said we never graduate
is what they told us.
Crazy part about it was we never once
stepped foot on the bus, school, nor the classroom. It was still summer time.

However; once we were accepted
we passed classes, honors, popular,
accepted, and graduated.
We showed them we can do anything huh…
Now they miss us

August 28, 1946

Finally home after a long day of
playing back to back tournament games.
Take a hot sweet shower, eat, then lay
my body down in bed, straight flat.
“Awwwww”- yes feels so good…
………….
…………
………….
…………..

AHHHHH F——K
Dam_ craps!
Ugh the agony
Goodness gracious!

Who do you think you’re talking to?
Did you forget i’m human to?
Where did all your morals go? Or
were you born with ignorant stupidity.

To many times you cross the line
insulting racial slurs towards athletes
getting all sensitive, losing your mind.
Objects thrown, emotions shown
among the crowd time after time,
like how could you be so heartless?
What about being spit at on the court,
maybe the organization should have you fined
and banned for life from events.

Just because you bought tickets
to watch us play, doesn’t give you
the right to say nor do whatever
you want towards athletes.
This may be entertainment to you
but this is our career, our life, our job,
our occupation- to win games.

Dear God,

It’s been nearly 20 years
since I step away from my second home
-section 8
right outside of Chicago, IL.
I never forgotten where I came from
but almost forgotten my nickname.
The name my beautiful hood
given to me as my identity
became my trademark on my face
I was born with.
Because they knew the right name
would bring tears of joy to their eyes
that showed I made it out alive.
My village still recognizes
me, even present day, as…

My government name is Xavier Deont’e Thomas
But my hood name is “ Tear Drop”

June 24, 1994

FaceTime me every week, as the calls start to pile

play dumb like we weren’t a thing, you know that sh%t is really foul

told me you’ll never be submissive; Love, your mouth be running wild

posting couple & single memes together must really got you down

Oh a new person in your DM’s, someone new to get you riled up

random thoughts run through my mind, watching you chase after titles

can’t find anyone to commit, how’s love working for you now?

-God life is just fine. I mean just look at your creation you design
-I see your light in me every morning when it shines
-Protected from the depths of hell by reading your people stories they tell
-I enjoy one-on-one with you cause we’re bonding
-Today I have new questions for you as a young man
-Do you enjoy the poetry I write, Do you crack jokes or tease?
-If I saved another soul today, would that keep your mind at ease?
-Feeling lifted, when I do a task you ask of me for you
-Reward is good so I’ll continue to follow for you
-So merciful, it’s powerful, your love do something to me
-Cause God I caught the vibe of purity & happiness you given to me
-So I share it back, to all my friends, and now they’re like, “Zay you genuine, I love that. I want peace, so how do I get like that?”
-It’s just turning one home into God’s home
-Cause this is heaven sent, God made life just fine.

God bless me now so I can stand up to foes
God help me now so I don’t stand alone
God I thank you now for me surviving my lows
Due to you I been holding it down all on my own

You see, I been under your protection for years.
I’m learning to lean more on you and become more aware; Therefore, learn not to idolize others love and compare.
That’s just pure destruction and corruption ready to appear.
So I wear, your shield of armor daily when I call you for prayer.
Because these demons want to tear me apart with their fears.
Back then I was scared, but now I dare anyone of them to try to do something.
And I’ll be calling out the angels to help me battle it out.
Cause I’ll stand victorious as your servant dear Lord.
I want nothing else but your blessing as the reward.
You’ve fought for me all day, I choose you like always, cause you deserve it.

Devil you’re ice out cold.
Sending mix signals, you like to put on a show.
Master of emotions, poison victims image when they’re low.
Examine your attentions on different people under quality control.
Mmm, you like to test my worth, asking for God’s permission just to see if I’ll sin again.
You grew from a mighty titan angel to this fallen illusion magician.
Aroused from the thrill of being king of the underworld like your soul is free.
I question your position there cause hell is really beneath me.
Not joking, who you think you provoking?
I mean you think you slick for trying to keep my wounds open.
I mean I’m forever God’s vessel, never your black token.
Those wicked rituals your followers steady be coding.
Things my soul refuse to soak in.
Don’t need any validation, I’m not trying to live perfect.
And if you think I want that, I promise you I don’t need it.
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray my soul to rest and peace,
to the heavens.

Dear God,

I rather be a honest sinner and give my soul to you
expressing my truth
than a lying hypocrite idolizing a fake life in society .

February 28, 1968