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terra nova Sep 2014
stumbling in the sunlight of this
black hole world you say can't you
see that aeroplane
and i look up
squinting but all i can see is
clouds
terra nova Nov 2014
Forever in the shadow
of their hearts; they keep
the things that hold them
back from sleep.
terra nova Dec 2014
She sits on the bottom step but
one with water-wrinkled fingers and
a ring clutched in her hand. Her eyes
spill silently, noiseless rivers down the
seams of her face (she's coming undone, now,
he's gone and she's coming undone).
terra nova Sep 2014
you tell me that you're very sad
i cannot help; it makes me mad
that i can't take the pain away
(i scrabble for the words to say)

i sit and hear you talk to me
and wish that you could only see
the things i'd do to make you smile
(and when you've gone, i sit awhile

and cry. because i'm sad as well
but know it would be wrong to tell
when you are fighting with the grey)
i so want you to be okay.
terra nova Sep 2014
on the 9th he told her 'maybe',
held her hopes within his fist,
at his grandma's hundredth birthday
was the first time that they kissed-

hands held under plastic table,
he was nervous, she was too,
croaky 'happy birthday' voices,
white-permed hair, retirement crew,

halves of wholes in cheap recliners,
secret photo hoards in rooms,
seven worn and wrinkled ladies,
faded brides and missing grooms.

held her hand beneath the table,
held her hopes within his fist-
at his grandma's hundredth birthday
was the first time that they kissed.
terra nova Nov 2014
She calls out coral in a
mess of greens,
her words get caught in
painted screens. Hiding in
her cyber-cave, her outer
shell the thing she gave (and
gives them still, with brittle
smile, and eyes as green-blue
as the Nile). With closed doors
shining in her eyes, she sketches
people dreams in skies, and
smiles still when they thank her,
blithe (she knows she's skinny,
calls it lithe). She smiles but it's like
lips on paper, crayon-red and
gone like vapour.
terra nova Oct 2014
they say that when one door closes,
another opens. and i've always been-
professed to be- an optimist.
(i'm not an optimist. i'm really
not an optimist at all).
the thing is at the moment that doors seem to
be closing and with every clang shut the room gets
darker and it's harder to see, i guess,
to see where those open doors might be
(or if they even are at all,
says a bitter voice in the back of my
mind because self-pity is a thing that
often camps out in my
head right next to the "NO CAMPING"
sign). and i seem to be losing my
grip of things and they keep falling from my
fingers and i hardly notice till i look down at my
hands and see they're gone (and that's when i
scrabble around in the dark looking for them,
looking and looking and looking because i
hate losing things, i can't just-
i can't just lose them)

(except that apparently i can.)
terra nova Oct 2014
sometimes in the dead of night i
wonder if you ever fight
the demons that i sometimes do-
if they have ever come for you

and sometimes i think, "no, you can't"
because you never scream or rant
because you're smiling all the time
and fit life like the perfect rhyme-

but then i leave my thinking place
and scrutinise my own pale face
and smile into the looking glass
-a cheerful mask, a happy farce-

i do not know you very well
because i don't think i can tell
when your smile's real,
and when it's not
(and when it's really all you've got)
terra nova Aug 2014
let me go hide in the sand-

a modern ostrich for these

torrid times.

i don't need you holding my hand-

i've complex words and

****** rhymes.

i've grey-blue light and

silent street,

the echoed sound of

far-off feet.

i'm done with you, and also

me. release the anchor:

*bonjour, sea.
terra nova Nov 2014
They hold hands and
take turns being outwardly sad,
cry in separate cars on the
way to work, eyes always
sore and checking in the
wing-mirror-
The house is too quiet for
them so they have the TV
constantly on in the
kitchen but it's
nothing like the sounds they're
missing.
Sometimes she drives to the
pre-school and stares in feeling so very
empty and sometimes he
sees her there

(so he turns round and leaves-
they don't speak of it at dinner).
terra nova Dec 2014
sometimes I am
overwhelmed by words-
the countless human voices
shouting to be heard. and then they
ask you what you love, and
what you read- and you must
scrabble for the words they
want and need. but all the
great ideas are blurry in your
mind - what really sticks are
those old friends you left behind
amongst the cushions and the
trees you knew when smaller-
the battered books familiar:
easy smiling caller
who knows the way into
your mind so very well, that you
don't have to put your thoughts to
show-and-tell. and all the places
in those stories feel like
home- they are the sea, and
all these new books seem just foam.
terra nova Dec 2014
walking home in the
almost-dark
it's quiet and still, a music video
for piano chords and the
hum of cars. the air's cold but
familiar, like
your coat when you used
to come in late and
hug me, and I smile into my
scarf and the sky, humdrum
average beauty in the
not-quite-night of day.
terra nova Dec 2014
It is perhaps inevitable that
what once shined is dimmed,
The fuse blown (slowly, though-
You didn't notice till your eyes were
filled with darkness and you
couldn't see a thing.)
terra nova Nov 2014
You take the blue out of the sky-
I try to stop it draining but you've
stolen the plug and it whirls away from me,
through the desperate fumbling of my fingers,
Unstoppable.
And when you're finished there is
only grey, empty and heavy and
smothering,
The mocking tidelines on a bathtub,
a vague confusion and
incredulous ache-
the echo of a cloudless colour.
terra nova Nov 2014
your gaze was always wider-eyed than mine-
you'd say things were brilliant, i'd say "fine".
terra nova Nov 2014
please don't shout
can't you tell
her day has been
**** as well

please don't shout
and act all mean-
deviate from
the routine

turn around
and maybe smile
(haven't seen that
in a while)

please don't shout
can't you see
*this is not how
it should be
terra nova Sep 2014
recently i've found my
eyelids heavy and my neck
too weak for my head and a
gravitational pull calls my
consciousness down into the
dark and when i wake it's to
people saying,
"you shouldn't stay up so late".
i nod no, thinking of the nights
when the time seems slipping through
the cracks in my heart and i can't
bear to close my eyes for fear of
missing something. it's my private
starlight patch; cool air in my
hot head and the sound of nothing
on the streets like after-rainfall.
the still quiet calm of 2am and the
curling toes and the dark, always
- undeniably - the end.
terra nova Sep 2014
you cannot stop staring
(he's only your mate)
-yes i've noticed the way
you've been looking of late-

like you want to enquire if
i'm at all aware
of the way the sun looks
in the threads of his hair,

like you're guilty and
he's taken you by surprise,
like the world's pushed you
forwards and
opened your eyes,

like you're scared of the
truth and you're scared of the
rest, and you're thinking that maybe
it's only a test.

but the fact that it's not is as
clear as cut glass (well tell that
to the woman who says it'll pass
)

i watch your eyes watch him-
and you look at me- like you're
wondering whether i know
what you see.
terra nova Nov 2014
on the day i smashed my
lucky mug
i later un-bubble-wrapped my
right hand and
chopped it off

(accidentally,
of course-
these things are always
accidental).

and i told myself
it was okay because
after all,

there was superglue in the drawer,
and i could use the lucky mug as a
pen ***

(great plan, nice work, so far so good).

but then i ran into a
slight conundrum because
really,

what use are pens when your
hand is gone?

(please bring my bubble wrap back)
terra nova Nov 2014
there is nothing here that matters
but your hand in mine-
i could go without the chatter
and the cheap red wine.
there are people to impress and
compliments about my dress
but all i really want to hear
is your soft joking in my ear
- it's tangled fingers around fingers,
it's that gaze that looks and lingers,
it's not needing to impress
or giving **** about the dress-
and it is you, and you and me,
well darling i hope you can see
there's nowhere else i'd rather be
than by your side.
oh
terra nova Dec 2014
oh
Faux-smiles in the crush of
Urban escapes through cans of
Cider,
Kings and queens-

You left me behind, and I know you
Owe me nothing, but that doesn't
Undo this hurt.
terra nova Dec 2014
it's come again,
just in time for christmas-
bitter weight that makes you want to scream
(you feel strangled by violin chords,
the sun burns but clouds stick in you
throat and choke you- you are
safest in the dark).

block out the stars, God please don't
let them in- they're acid on your eyelids
and they
hurt

oh- this nameless monster.
they say it doesn't exist but then what
is this within you, all blunt fangs and
hoovering up your insides
(you're a walking vacuum,
about to collapse in on yourself,
and nobody can see).
terra nova Aug 2014
Smiling, she takes breaths of water,

Chokes in perfect grace,

Covers up with makeup all the

burn marks on her face,

Curls up in the corner,

shoulders straight as straight can be,

Sees the rough outlines of windows

in the surface of her tea,

Puts her pens in perfect order,

Does her work in perfect time,

Looks perfection in a mirror,

Thinks mistake-making a crime,

Has the whole world in her handshake,

Fears the whole world in her head-

Yes she's smiling at the camera,

And she's wishing she were dead.
terra nova Nov 2014
They stay up late
And complicate
The things they learnt at school,
They stab their shadows
In the dark
It's cunning and it's cruel.
They drink to sway
(It's all okay),
Their mouths taste sour and frightened-
It's all alright,
"the future's bright!"
This place has them enlightened.
terra nova Aug 2014
he wears a neon bib in a garish

orange colour, but his face is nearly

grey. he won’t meet her gaze and

flinches

when her hand touches his,

wary of the warmth.

she’s been angry, said she

wouldn’t come and he

believed her.

she couldn’t believe that.

not the call, either,

civil-spoken bomb that

exploded

in her middle-class hall onto an

ikea phone table. she cried alone and

shouted when she saw him, heartbreak private but

anger

her shield.

she blamed him out loud, herself in her head:

“why? why did you do that?”

the question is for both of them.
terra nova Aug 2014
You are a study in

contradiction,

(Filofax looks and

roller coaster smile.)



You've patience short

as a fireman's hosepipe,

eyes that you

narrow like the Nile.



You walk like you're dancing

at the Pope's wedding;

talk like you haven't

got the time to stop.



You're always grinning

when it's raining

(down from the bottom

and up from the top).



You mock like a bat

but you're scared of darkness-

scared of losing

your own two feet.



Your misplaced faith

In your own self-loathing

lurks in the sun

taking pride in defeat.
terra nova Nov 2014
You clever, cunning little thing
with your barbed-wire smile and
scissor-snap comments. You with your
soft hands and hard heart, with that
blue-before-storm within your eyes.
Today you cut him down with a
candy cane, shone your
teeth in a conman's smile and
sliced someone's secrets open with
the tip of your silver tongue.
You're so very
brilliant, and as cold as a
winter siege. (Are your feelings
crystal cut? Is your heart a
precious stone? You breathe ice
into others- but you've
never been alone
).
terra nova Sep 2014
today a small shadow
flew out of your mouth
and took up
the space where
some light should’ve been

and i know it’s unfair
that i sometimes compare
black to white with
no space for the
grey in-between

but it fell cold and ugly
and made me feel weird
like i knew i was scared but
knew not what i feared

till the sun came back out
and the hole shivered shut
and the fear crept away
to the pit of my gut

and i don’t know if you thought what you said was true
but it felt like it came from a stranger, not you.
terra nova Oct 2014
I keep giving away little pieces of myself
without even realising I am-
You don’t deserve any of them
They are mine
(they were me)
terra nova Nov 2014
I wanna play my life like
music, like a song you'd
wanna sing to but
all I've got is me for now, and
that is what I cling to and
like trains in the night my
thoughts pass by each other-
I'm a string without a kite and a
moon without another one of
me in the dark-hope skies-
I've spent far too much time with
stars stuck to my eyes to have
you come and shoot me through
the cracks in my wing mirror; that's the
thing, you never think before you
draw back and shoot your
careless arrow,
your vision's far too narrow when it
comes to me-

it seems I sometimes
shrink down to a construct
in your autobiography
that's not who I wanna be
(I'm not part of you, I'm me).
terra nova Sep 2014
Your face like a moon in a lake
turns up to the sky and each
eye is full of stars like a galaxy-
you are your own universe, mind a
gravity-defying paradox of space.

Take time in your speeding
spaceship; let the burn slow while you
find your own feet-
you are only a child and
dear, there is a lot of time for
running, but right now life should
not just be a race.
terra nova Dec 2014
if i were to turn and say
hey dude i ******* hate you, kay?
(well no, of course it isn't true-)
but what d'you reckon you would do?
i'm only wondering because
you act like it'd be no loss
and insecurely, i don't know-
because you sometimes seem as though
either you think i'll never leave
or just don't care what i believe?
i'd like to say i have a line
but no, i'll just sit here and whine
while you sit there, knowing quite well
that i would never ever tell
you that i'm giving up, you see
i think that this means more to me
than you, perhaps, and **** that stings
especially recently, when things
have led your life away from mine
i know it's not your fault; it's fine-
except it's not, because i never
thought that i would have to weather
all my ugly parts alone,
you used to be just down the phone.
i never used to hide from you
and now it seems you want me to-
but i've spent years with my gun down
it's hard to pick it off the ground.

*-maybe i'll close my eyes instead
and un-remember what you said.
terra nova Oct 2014
i love it when the
night comes and ugly things
are beautiful- the horrid concrete building
is a stack of squared golden lights and there's
red and blue and green and yellow
in the grey-day worn-out town
like a surprise-

the moon is flat and pale and glowing,
thumb-sized, and there's
swinging lights like waves when cars
go by and shadows flitting
shades across the pavement
and the air's clear and cold and a
dog barks, into the inky blue lit-clouds sky
where other lights shine,
blinking spinning satellites and stars that
no longer exist
because they're so far away,
so far removed from
us.
terra nova Oct 2014
The day you said I had to
walk home alone was the
anniversary.
Do you remember it?
I told you I'd wait
(that I wanted, so much,
to wait,
that I didn't want to
walk home alone.)
But you didn't know-
How could you?
You said I'd be fine.
It makes me feel bad,
when you wait,

you told me and then
left. I faced the blue sky on my own.
The world was beautiful, that day.
(I thought about the birds and
sunshine, and how he
did it, a year back
left the world twitching
in the nervous grasping fingers of a
rope. And how it wasn't just
him that was strangled
in the outhouse but
all those who loved him,
all together with claws fast and
furious around
their necks as he
left.)

I remember him
driving us through
puddles in the car, fast
so that they splashed against the
windows (there were
floods, at the time, his house was
flooded. We thought it all a sort of
game
). I remember laughing and
pressing little hands against the
windows,
on the way to buy fish fingers.

He is red-faced in most photos
-wouldn't stand out in a line-up-
(Mum screamed when she hung up the phone and
then cried, curling into herself.)

They couldn't afford the right flowers.
i found this in my notes from last year
terra nova Nov 2014
Let's waste time
spinning stitches in the
panic of our minds and
throwing light into the
ever-present dark *and
thinking everything we do
is somehow art.
terra nova Oct 2014
it's hard not to bump into ghosts in
your house. you've been here
fifty years, or more, and there's
time caught in the marigold
wallpaper; minutes stuck between the
pages of the books you keep
but never read.

you're the unwilling curator
of your own museum-
you have stacks and stacks of
gardener's weekly,
- could build a fort out of them -
but instead sit in the middle looking
lost. you ask after people who've been
dead years, and perhaps it's because you've
seen them in the mirror.

(outside is the tree your
husband planted in the 60s,
spliced out of two and thus
unique. you stare at it sometimes,
and maybe you're wishing for
something-
or maybe it's just out of
habit).
terra nova Sep 2014
You and I were
explorers of the first degree-
I was the leader but it was never as
fun without you, you know-
you were essential too.

We dammed streams and
built castles, drew maps and
hid in ferns
taller than our heads.

I named our places but
only for you (we spoke in
code; spies and pirates,
explorers of the first degree).

We had Greendip,
The Bracken Bubble,
Glory Glee with the ash tree
(your branch, and my branch,
and the Nasty Nipping Nettle Nasties
that we drew red – danger – on the map.)

We slid down hills on plastic
bags and ran up them with
matching hair tangling in
the wind and
I was the leader,
but you were my crew.

Your hair still matches mine
and although we no longer draw
maps on paper we are drawing one
every day (and when I see any
Nasty Nipping Nettle Nasties,
I mark them in red for you,
and you do the same for me).

I am no longer the leader (we’re
equals now, matching pioneers,
and I love you).
terra nova Oct 2014
well i'm glad you didn't promise,
and i know now why you said
that you hated vowing to keep your word
and could we just instead-

know about this quiet agreement
in the shadows of our mind
because then, you never broke a vow-
least, not the spoken kind.
terra nova Oct 2014
oh you are rather stupid sometimes
(you know that) but that
doesn't stop you being
amazing.

i could write poetry on the subject
( i am writing poetry on the subject)
you draw perfection in the
wrong shape,
sing it in the
wrong key-
but
it is still
perfect.
terra nova Sep 2014
the chicken walks in the
back door with
all the brashness of
christopher columbus and
makes straight for the dog's
bowl as if nothing can stop her
getting what she wants. and her pecks
are noisy shouts through the house of
beak on tin clang, clang, clang,
she is full of confidence and even when the
dogs chase her out she goes struttingly,
back within minutes-

i think that maybe i should take notes
you
terra nova Aug 2014
you
you are a black hole but you are my

black hole and

i would defend you to the ends of the

earth. i would defend you to the

end of me and until you had

swallowed all my starlight, and perhaps

that is foolish but i'd rather

lose my light with you than shine

without.
terra nova Oct 2014
you walk on a tightrope,
laugh at me, at
all the little people on the ground.

you sing like the first to,
every time, and the rest of us are
echoes of your sound.

yet even you are not immune
to the stricter facts of life-
even you will cut your tongue
when you eat off the
edge of a knife.

flinging open windows,
rifling through drawers,
searching for a costume to
wear beneath your smile-


(you are that missed call feeling, dear,
with fingers fumbling for the dial)
terra nova Sep 2014
you caught the tide and
i didn't. swept under and
tangled in the dark
it's hard to see but i
know, i know you're gone.
there's only empty black waves
above me.

you caught the tide but
i didn't.
terra nova Sep 2014
You paint me in the
wrong colours and
hold your art up to my
face, claiming it's a mirror.
And you're deaf to
my silent protests; you
look admiringly at your work and
tell me "I know you"-
you don't.

We walk together down the
corridor and I don't know
what you're seeing but it sure as
hell isn't me. You smile,
smug like a cat,
thinking that you've got me.
(You haven't).

And you think you know
what makes me tick but you're
forever trying to wind me up
with the wrong key, and
wondering why sometimes
(when you look, when you really look)
the hour hand's pointing out thirteen.
i'm trying really hard to like you, you know

— The End —