These shots were never taken by chance

They were of anger taken under sunshine

This smoke can oh so muddle your view of the truth

They use smoke of their own to hide their intentions



But the truth can be seen rolling by, glinting red

The weapon of black turns their eyes white 

One shines with tears; the other dull and *****

The greedy man hides the youth of all seventeen



It could have been stopped

And the young could continue

This is preventable

But he continues to enable



His smiles are swamp green

His words are shiny gold

But he hides it all behind his suit of blue

A mirror reflects harsher words than I’ve ever heard,
Even if they’re slurred.

These words say they won’t grieve,
Won’t care if I leave.

I go after my veins looking to bleed
Maybe then I can be freed.

These voices continue to come in a flood-
Maybe I can escape with my blood.

I can hear them no matter how much I scream and shout
Maybe another sting will draw them out

Another sting and I’ll feel something else.
Maybe then I’ll feel my pulse.

Another sting and maybe it will mask the sting of my own words...

laying in a warm patch of sunlight surrounded by dandelions

and an orange glow peaks through my closed eyelids

leaving an ache behind my forehead

daydreaming...

of no more teary days

no more chilly hands or goosepimples

of a day when my patch of sunlight lasts for an eternity

and I never get cold

i wish i never liked women, there’s so much going against it anyway. i’m a coward. i hate myself. i hate myself for wanting to be selfish, while knowing in the same thought that i’m the most selfish woman in my life. but if being selfish means someday i could look into your eyes several sunrises in a row, it couldn’t possibly be that bad. to see the meadows of wheat surrounded by moss in your eyes makes art from here to infinity look like mud. i would untangle the thorniest bush i could find if it meant your heart was in the middle. i can already imagine my thumb brushing a smile onto your lips, my hand cupping your cheek, while the softest nothings are exchanged. the thought of you, and everything you come with moving into my life sounds like a dream. but it’s not one to come true. i don’t get to let myself get lost in your eyes, running through meadows. my head knows that, my heart strings still wail, i try to quiet them. give them a drink… or a few. but after the glass is empty they no longer have anything to occupy them. and they sing your name again

the moon rises and soothes my heated skin
red and blistered from the sun’s brutal eyes
harsh and judging giving me no blink of a break
a gentle touch caresses and heals my peeling cheeks
staring directly into such hot eyes leaves a piercing feeling through the back of my skull and an orange glow over my pupil
the moon’s soft glow allows my eyes to open wide with wonder no fear of being blinded
warm pleasant air keeps me from freezing underneath that pretty white glow
in daylight the wind is vicious and whips me in the face hurting where I’m already burned
a whole night for me to heal
only to be blistered again

I sit in the shower, wishing for my brain to work the way it should.
I sit in the shower and let the water beat against my face, hoping that will drown out my thoughts and insecurities.
I sit in the shower and cry because I know no one will hear me.
I sit in the shower and question my importance here.
I sit in the shower and gag myself while I sob quietly.
I sit in the shower and take apart razor blades and let them dance across my wrists so that I will stop numbly staring at the shower wall.
I sit in the shower and wonder, if I should really be here tomorrow.
So, how do I tell my friends I sit in the shower?

Little whimpers escape your lips as your fingers reach toward the moon

Your wrists are gripped and forced against brick

Breaths coming and going quickly

Yelps from your throat leave you raw

Teeth in your neck leave you rigid

Aching, eyes drooping

Cold and heavy

You drop

My brain is a brick
Completely made of stone
Yank me from space and through clouds
Back to earth and my statuette body
A little help with a ***** from these poisonous thorns make me feel warm again
Give my lungs air and my veins blood
It never lasts- this euphoric sense of humanity
This utopia of the mundane
Again this suffocating fog of storm clouds will pull me in
Drowning me
My immovable stone lips peel into a smile and smoke billows out
Pink returns to my cheeks and brown to my pupils
My heart jerks into motion, jobless for decades
A white flying saucer hits my tongue and reflex pulls it in
Down into my empty and hungry belly
My joints crick and crack into motion
First thought joy next running from the ocean of darkness
The rose wilts
Smoke turns into only remnants of vapors
And I feel my fingertips tingle- feeling leaving as well as my flying saucer

She is brutal.

She will tear my skin,

Bruise my knees,

And blacken my eyes.



But she is also a gentle dove

And she can be kind.

When I succeed she gives me sweets

And gives back my missing pieces.



She is my mistress.

Her’s is the name on my collar,

She has the lead.

And she keeps control until she hands me off to him.



Though I know him not,

He will heal my body.

Let me have the control,

And finally give me peace.

He passes that gold chalice down

Full of wine redder than the blood you share.

He knows you can make everything gold but drinking this only once will ruin those chances-

And he hands it to you with a smile on his face.

His own blood made into wine

Through those iron bars on your window

Supposed protection from this deadly spell.

This opportunity for you to become one yourself  

An alleged King

But only to oneself

my heart soars in the clouds
but i fear it is icarus
and it’s beating will cease
before it melts and falls to the ground

for it only soared because of her
and any flight my heart had before
ended in a crash

never before has my heart hit the clouds
maybe the tops of trees
but any fall leaves marks

and a fall for her
would end in death

One wrong flower and you might lose yourself

That nectar can make your path wind and blur

Your beautiful pattern is an array of polka dots

Braille made to your own biography

My darling butterfly, please watch your wings  

They tear so easily my love

You are already a patch-work,

Sewn back together after tearing yourself into pieces many times over  

When will you love yourself as I do?

Caring for your wings, staying from poisonous petals

And soaring as far away from them as your wings will allow

My dear please remember your wings were made to flutter

And you to float in the sky

Do not spend all your time on flowers that only cause you to rip out your stitches

I woke up with my head full of rocks and my stomach a butterfly museum

With several trying to escape up the back of my throat

Pain racks the rest of my body in waves

My brain is stripped of all that happened in the last 24 hours

Regret washes over me- only softly because...

At least for a moment I felt nothing

For a moment I was not reminded of this dull empty ache between my ribs

For a moment my head was in the clouds and my body was up there with it

The clouds were more like vapor I suppose

Surrounding my head in swirling patterns

Blocking every ugly view

Including my own reflection and the intentions behind it

The people around the mirror were only fuzzy thoughts

Only in the back of my mind do those people exist

And with every swallow they become further and further muddied in the darkness

Not one possible consequence riddles my thoughts

Only when the sun rises and I peel open my dry eyes do I think for a moment

And even full of regret I will do it again tonight.

they say these are the best four years of my life
and i never believed it for a second
with only weeks left
i finally understand the amazing experiences i’ve had
and the connections i’ve made and lost
i’ll never get anywhere else
these times pass through my head like a well made song
that is able to bring you to tears
with only a few notes
memories that i can never recreate
or fabricate
for once in my high school career i’m thinking
i might actually miss this
getting up at the crack of dawn
riding a bus through a foggy autumn morning
to go to classes that i hated
but that i now want to repeat
with this ending
i’m actually growing up now

I see your gaze tunneled blurry

I know you only see my face as painted with a sharpie  

And see me as your dolly

Because I’m not real I’m just your pretty plastic body!

Ready to play whenever you demand Harvey.

Your ugly plastic words fall upon deaf plastic ears- but sure it’s a party!  

Underneath I scream and fight to stay sturdy.

I am not your dolly!

I am not just your pretty plastic body!



And I would not ‘look so pretty wearing this red lipstick with my lips wrapped around your ****,’ Harvey.

Pooh Bear, Pooh Bear call my name.
Holler Christopher Robin to keep me sane
I don’t like this disappearing game
You hid in the roses and were never seen again
Tears stream down my face leaving a stain
Screaming for you left my throat raw from the strain
Hid in the roses never to be seen again
Tears fall down my face leaving a stain.
Screaming for you leaves my throat burning from strain



Pooh Bear Pooh Bear call my name
Please do not refrain


I need you with me on this train
Do you have no shame?
Can you at least explain?
When did this turn into a disappearing game?

I will tear you apart with my teeth and use your splintered bones as toothpicks before the trial
clean your blood from under my fingernails
your blood so rich and red will drip from the corners of my mouth
so thick and sweet looking
boiled till you blister
sweaty exterior sweeter than the scent of fresh peaches
but the inside was more acidic than I could define
sweet and fresh exterior for a decaying heart
I devoured everything you had to offer
without another thought
except for
I wish I had known

Alice! You’re falling down the rabbit hole!
Losing yourself whole.

All of your free time spent,
Chasing this descent.

You named this place 'Wonderland'
You think it is so grand

Just remember dear,
We're all mad here!

One negative word paired with your name and I know I will never breathe properly again

You will poke holes in each of my lungs until with every exhale I am whimpering your scent  

You will staple my lips shut and rip them out when I am willing to moan your name

Squeeze my heart with your calloused palms until it only beats for you  

You will shock my system with jumper cables until you are the only thing I find electric  

Cut off my toes and break my feet so that I can never leave you

You will bound my fingers with sewing needles until I am willing to sign myself away to you

And finally, if I ever get away, you will excavate my brain, so I can never truly leave

your frozen heart barely pumps slushied blood all the way to your blue fingertips
you hope for me to grab your hands and warm you even just for a second
your heart is a rock
abiotic and unbeating
just a cold weight in your chest to remind you of your lost humanity
maybe once you knew warmth
but now you don’t even shiver
you are so far gone
you treat me like ice to freeze me just as you’ve been

Not one true

Just a guise  

Bid adieu  

To her flies



A self sentence,

Or so they said.

With no defense,

Dracula took her head.

Dark cottony clouds the color of greying lilacs glide across the sky.

Her thundering footsteps roll in your direction.

Leaves shiver in anticipation

The burn of the lowering sun barely peaking through.

Rain taps at your window with her soft fingertips, begging for your hand.

When you visit with her for the night.

Her warm inviting scent lingers in your throat.

You dance together

Stomping in the puddles no rain boots needed

Your socks get soaked through and there might even be a cold on its way

Yet you regret not a single moment with her

Your wet hair hangs in your face

Mixing with your little grin, seconds tick by like hours

You are her only lover  

She does damage then dashes but you will still love her tomorrow

Even when she’s gone she is still in the leaves and gutters.

Traces of her stay remain on the leaves, becoming morning dew at sunrise.

Velvet fingertips taste your lips, followed by lace hearts.

Listening to dusty thoughts across the room, soft and grainy notes of a record.

Peach cheek brushes against yours, and those silk lips whisper beautiful nothings.

Those velvet fingertips follow your profile, leaving a warm flush.

Heavy droopy eyes, an anchor attached to each as I pay for the night.

Warm and soft lines of light beam through the cracked blinds,

Coffee’s caffeine buzz and sweet sticky taste of syrup to the nines.

The scent of pastel pink roses and vibrant color of morning glories on their vines,

Eyes darting through a book so intensely, I might miss a few lines.

Clear and gentle waves tickling my ankles while the water glitters and shines,

Soft blue sky filled with beautifully shaped clouds, some of the rarest finds.

Horizons fire tones and warm glow of the ending day it reminds,

To my heart this place quickly binds.

And keeps my heart as I leave to continue this trip the next night.