I sit in the shower, wishing for my brain to work the way it should.
I sit in the shower and let the water beat against my face, hoping that will drown out my thoughts and insecurities.
I sit in the shower and cry because I know no one will hear me.
I sit in the shower and question my importance here.
I sit in the shower and gag myself while I sob quietly.
I sit in the shower and take apart razor blades and let them dance across my wrists so that I will stop numbly staring at the shower wall.
I sit in the shower and wonder, if I should really be here tomorrow.
So, how do I tell my friends I sit in the shower?
they say these are the best four years of my life
and i never believed it for a second
with only weeks left
i finally understand the amazing experiences i’ve had
and the connections i’ve made and lost
i’ll never get anywhere else
these times pass through my head like a well made song
that is able to bring you to tears
with only a few notes
memories that i can never recreate
for once in my high school career i’m thinking
i might actually miss this
getting up at the crack of dawn
riding a bus through a foggy autumn morning
to go to classes that i hated
but that i now want to repeat
with this ending
i’m actually growing up now
laying in a warm patch of sunlight surrounded by dandelions
and an orange glow peaks through my closed eyelids
leaving an ache behind my forehead
of no more teary days
no more chilly hands or goosepimples
of a day when my patch of sunlight lasts for an eternity
and the sun never sets in order for the moon to rise
and I never get cold
Alice! You’re falling down the rabbit hole!
Losing yourself whole.
All of your free time spent,
Chasing this descent.
You named this place 'Wonderland'
You think it is so grand
Just remember dear,
We're all mad here!
I woke up with my head full of rocks and my stomach a butterfly museum
With several trying to escape up the back of my throat
Pain racks the rest of my body in waves
My brain is stripped of all that happened in the last 24 hours
Regret washes over me- only softly because...
At least for a moment I felt nothing
For a moment I was not reminded of this dull empty ache between my ribs
For a moment my head was in the clouds and my body was up there with it
The clouds were more like vapor I suppose
Surrounding my head in swirling patterns
Blocking every ugly view
Including my own reflection and the intentions behind it
The people around the mirror were only fuzzy thoughts
Only in the back of my mind do those people exist
And with every swallow they become further and further muddied in the darkness
Not one possible consequence riddles my thoughts
Only when the sun rises and I peel open my dry eyes do I think for a moment
And even full of regret I will do it again tonight.
One wrong flower and you might lose yourself
That nectar can make your path wind and blur
Your beautiful pattern is an array of polka dots
Braille made to your own biography
My darling butterfly, please watch your wings
They tear so easily my love
You are already a patch-work,
Sewn back together after tearing yourself into pieces many times over
When will you love yourself as I do?
Caring for your wings, staying from poisonous petals
And soaring as far away from them as your wings will allow
My dear please remember your wings were made to flutter
And you to float in the sky
Do not spend all your time on flowers that only cause you to rip out your stitches
He passes that gold chalice down
Full of wine redder than the blood you share.
He knows you can make everything gold but drinking this only once will ruin those chances-
And he hands it to you with a smile on his face.
His own blood made into wine
Through those iron bars on your window
Supposed protection from this deadly spell.
This opportunity for you to become one yourself
An alleged King
But only to oneself