i wish i never liked women, there’s so much going against it anyway. i’m a coward. i hate myself. i hate myself for wanting to be selfish, while knowing in the same thought that i’m the most selfish woman in my life. but if being selfish means someday i could look into your eyes several sunrises in a row, it couldn’t possibly be that bad. to see the meadows of wheat surrounded by moss in your eyes makes art from here to infinity look like mud. i would untangle the thorniest bush i could find if it meant your heart was in the middle. i can already imagine my thumb brushing a smile onto your lips, my hand cupping your cheek, while the softest nothings are exchanged. the thought of you, and everything you come with moving into my life sounds like a dream. but it’s not one to come true. i don’t get to let myself get lost in your eyes, running through meadows. my head knows that, my heart strings still wail, i try to quiet them. give them a drink… or a few. but after the glass is empty they no longer have anything to occupy them. and they sing your name again

I sit in the shower, wishing for my brain to work the way it should.
I sit in the shower and let the water beat against my face, hoping that will drown out my thoughts and insecurities.
I sit in the shower and cry because I know no one will hear me.
I sit in the shower and question my importance here.
I sit in the shower and gag myself while I sob quietly.
I sit in the shower and take apart razor blades and let them dance across my wrists so that I will stop numbly staring at the shower wall.
I sit in the shower and wonder, if I should really be here tomorrow.
So, how do I tell my friends I sit in the shower?

they say these are the best four years of my life
and i never believed it for a second
with only weeks left
i finally understand the amazing experiences i’ve had
and the connections i’ve made and lost
i’ll never get anywhere else
these times pass through my head like a well made song
that is able to bring you to tears
with only a few notes
memories that i can never recreate
or fabricate
for once in my high school career i’m thinking
i might actually miss this
getting up at the crack of dawn
riding a bus through a foggy autumn morning
to go to classes that i hated
but that i now want to repeat
with this ending
i’m actually growing up now

laying in a warm patch of sunlight surrounded by dandelions

and an orange glow peaks through my closed eyelids

leaving an ache behind my forehead

daydreaming...

of no more teary days

no more chilly hands or goosepimples

of a day when my patch of sunlight lasts for an eternity

and I never get cold

Alice! You’re falling down the rabbit hole!
Losing yourself whole.

All of your free time spent,
Chasing this descent.

You named this place 'Wonderland'
You think it is so grand

Just remember dear,
We're all mad here!

I woke up with my head full of rocks and my stomach a butterfly museum

With several trying to escape up the back of my throat

Pain racks the rest of my body in waves

My brain is stripped of all that happened in the last 24 hours

Regret washes over me- only softly because...

At least for a moment I felt nothing

For a moment I was not reminded of this dull empty ache between my ribs

For a moment my head was in the clouds and my body was up there with it

The clouds were more like vapor I suppose

Surrounding my head in swirling patterns

Blocking every ugly view

Including my own reflection and the intentions behind it

The people around the mirror were only fuzzy thoughts

Only in the back of my mind do those people exist

And with every swallow they become further and further muddied in the darkness

Not one possible consequence riddles my thoughts

Only when the sun rises and I peel open my dry eyes do I think for a moment

And even full of regret I will do it again tonight.

One wrong flower and you might lose yourself

That nectar can make your path wind and blur

Your beautiful pattern is an array of polka dots

Braille made to your own biography

My darling butterfly, please watch your wings  

They tear so easily my love

You are already a patch-work,

Sewn back together after tearing yourself into pieces many times over  

When will you love yourself as I do?

Caring for your wings, staying from poisonous petals

And soaring as far away from them as your wings will allow

My dear please remember your wings were made to flutter

And you to float in the sky

Do not spend all your time on flowers that only cause you to rip out your stitches