I don't know
I don't know why

I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know why I'm doing it

I don't know who
I don't know where

I don't know why it matters
I don't know why you care

I don't know why I'm still here
I don't know why I still try

Late nights
Early mornings

No sleep
Sleep all day

I don't know

What this is.

The need to forget,
Is like an addiction,
An unbelievable pain,
There's nothing like it,

I need it gone,
I need to forget it all,
I want it to become the mist from the morning,
The smoke from a cigarette disappearing Ito the sky,
Like magic abracadabra and it's gone,

I need it all gone,
Like feeling the high of nicotine,
The rush of being free,
Even if it is just for a few seconds,
To become disembodied and let it all float away,

The need to forget,
Is like an addiction,
One that I can never fulfil.

when the night comes my heart drops with dread for what is to come,
the darkness
the pain
the sorrow
the nothingness
when night comes and my eyes close i hope that the nightmares won't come,
but they always do,
the plague me
the destroy me
the plunge my heart and soul into fire
when night comes i scream for mercy,
but all i get is silence and the continued pain,
when night comes another bit of my life slips away.

The sky brightens,
Clouds disperse,
The sun shines,
Then the it stops the sun dips behind a dark cloud,
The land covered in darkness,
There is one who shines,
Standing for all to see carrying the light with them,
Casting back the shadows of dispare,
And revealing the life that can be.

All we have to do is jump.
Take a chance,
Take the leap at a better life,
Take the chance no matter the consequences.

There is always a lighter brighter path you just have to take it.

i sit here at night shaking cold lifeless,
the nightmares woke me again,
nothing left for me to do but endure the panic endure the pain,
nothing left but to face the fact that i will never be rid of these painful encounters.

i sit here tears rolling down my cheeks,
tears of sadness of pain of sorrow,
there is nothing i can do to stop them no dam no structure will keep them at bay,
these tears hold my pain each drop is like acid agasint my heart and soul,
each drop makes me fall further down the whole despair.

every night i sit here hoping that the shakes won't come but they always do hoping that the nightmares wont arrive but they always do,
each night i get lost and each morning i wake not knowing where i am or what my purpose is.

i am lost.
i am falling.
i have become a ghost.

"Whiskey please" I ask the bar man I sit down,
I gulp it down"another",
I look at the glass reconsider my options and say" actually
Give me the bottle",

I try to drown my sorrows,
Drown out the noise,
Drown out everything,
Drip,
Drip,
Drip,
There goes the bottle and yet here I am,

Still sat here,
With an empty glass.

There used to be man who could stand up to anything,
To the pain and violence of people both loved ones and hated,
He used to be able to be the sheild for his family and friends,
But now stands an empty shell,
Lost never foun and never to be a man to stand up,
I am that empty shell there's nothing left inside,
Nothing to fill me up,
Nothing to give me hope,
I've lost myself once again,
I'm disconnected from life and everyone in it,
Like the wind I float along no purpose but to pass through the lives of everyone I meet,
Never to be rembeted,
Never to be held dear,
Never to be loved,
I am but a small shell of nothingness,
So there once was a man who could
Stand up to everything,
I was that man but now,
I am nothing,
Empty,
Ad floating away,
Lost on the wind,
Floating through lives,
No one wants a shell.

So I will go away travle the winds Mabey they will carry me to place far away.

For I once was but am no more.

I'd give everything to have even one more minuet with you one more second, your voice your touch drives my demons out your love your happiness brightens my days.

Where once an empty husk of a heart stood now is a beating living thing because of you, because of you I feel once more because of you I can face my demons.

But now your gone and my heart starts to slow starts dry up now my days grow dark and those old demon friends return to laugh at the happiness I once had.

You were and always will be my love my light my heart and my soul.

Break me open and see what you'll find,
Break me open,
Crack open my ribs, and see,
See what is there or what is not,
Please
Tell me what you find,
I can't see anymore,
See what's real and what's not,
See what's there and what isn't,

Just look please because I can't see anymore I'm
Blind to everything from love to no love and I'm scared to be cured because I don't want to see.

Sometimes i wonder,
wonder at all the mazing sights,
sounds,
smells,
and all the amazing people,
friends,
family,

Sometimes i wonder,
wonder at everything and nothing,

i wonder about emotions,
what are they,
why do we feel,
why do we not feel,

you see i have wondered today about a lot of things,
people,
the world,
and feelings.

Why, well because i hurt,
and when i hurt i think,
think about the good and for some reason being a pessimist,
how the good things seems to miss me by,

you see one feeling i don't understand and i don't think anyone understands is,
Love,
you see twice i have fallen head of heels in love,
and twice now i have fallen down because of it,
in pain and sorrow and disbelief,

right now i am in denial i am sure,
because i can't believe its happened agin.

and honestly i don't want to believe in love,
is if love gets you this.

but was it love, or was a it a desire to feel some one close both physically and emotionally,
desire and love are different,
but feel the same.

Maybe I'm just too young to understand or maybe I'm just not optimistic.

just a thought after being left again.

Do not worry,
im fine,
im okay,
i do not tear at my skin,
i do not raise the razor blade,
i do not watch the blood as it flows down my arms,

Do not worry,
you do not see what i do,
you do not feel what i feel,
you do not share my nightmares,

Do not worry,
for you have not seen my past,
and you do not see my future,

Do not worry
because you do not have my heart,
and nor do you have my soul,
for that is a dark thing full of pain.

Do not worry.

I don't know why but sometimes I feel as if I'm caught,
Caught between a rock and hard place,
Caught in a place where I can't escape from,
Yes there are people here but they can't hear me or see me,
I scream as loud as I can,
They just look right through me,
I try to touch them try to let them know I am here,
But my fingers just slide right through.

Am I stuck in a phantom zone?
Am I stuck in a place between the real world and death,
Why can i stop the pain that rushes through my vains,
While I'm in this place.

I'm stuck, I'm lost, I don't know what to do.
Some one anyone tell me your there make me belive I'm not stuck.

Held by two
Standing on a ledge
Shadows behind edging closer
Sounds whisper past my ears
I close my eyes and feel the rush coming

Held by two
The rush stops
The sounds silence
The shadows step back

Held by two
One a friend
One my life

With out both the ledge looms
The sounds rush and the shadows push

Held by two

Little by little,
The passion fades,
The love falls away,
And little by little,
My soul shrivels,

You say that you love me,
But do you,
So you really love me,
Or do you say it just,
To appease me,

You said that you would be there forever,
But will you,
No you won't because really you don't want me to stay,
You want him,
And him alone,
I'm just a back up plan of a back up plan,

But yet here I am even when your love fades away,
And your passion has all but disappeared,
Mine only expands,
And my love grows stronger,

For although I am only third best,
I am still here for you shnufflepuff,
My love my be blind love and devotion,
But it is unconditional love,

Forever in love with you.
Signed

Pookie.

I know not what the night brings other than a darkness so foul it has no words.

I know not what the night brings but hot words badly said but heard none the same.

I know not the night brings but a pain so sharpe its likeness to a knife stabbed deep within the heart.

I know not what the night brings.

What is the question?
That no one knows,
What is the answer?
That no one can give,

Why were we made to live, love and cry?
Why?

To fear is to leave life behind,

To fear is to forget how to live,

To fear is to lose all you hold dear,

To fear is to get lost in your own mind,

Yet I fear for myself my family and my love,

And I have forgotten how to live.

Lost forever.

It's the little things in life that have the biggest impact,
That one look,
That one sentence,
It's the little things in life that change us most.

I met a girl today her parents are divorced and she hasn't spoke to her dad in a year and her mum has met a new guy and this girl can't cope both her parents don't see her pain, it's the look in her eyes it's the things she says.

It's the tear that fell down her cheek the look of Saddness in her eyes.

It's the little things we notice and don't that have the biggest impact.

Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a play,
Love is what i feel for you ,
Each and Everyday,
Love is like a smile,
Love is like a song,
Love is a great emotion,
That keeps us going strong,
I love you with all my heart,
My body,
My soul,
I love the way i keep loving you,
Like a love i cannot control,
So Remember when your eyes meet mine,
I love you with all my heart,
And i i have poured my entire soul into you right from the start.

A whisp of smoke,
A smidgen of mist,
And a dusten of rain,
Nothing more nothing less,
No sun, no moon,
No two lovers gazing at the stars,
Just the cold empty space,
The tendrils of mist sweeping over the hills,
The smoke moving in front of the fire,
Hiding the angry red flames of hate,
The rain so desperately trying to stop,
The fire,
But it will not stop because YOU,
stoked its flames, you fed its fuel,
But then you left, left it to die,
To wither and lose its heat,
Left it to become cold as night,
But then you expect it to be there for you,
When you left,
Expect it to keep you warm,

A whisp of smoke,
A smidgen of mist,
And a dusten of rain,
All it would have taken was one word,
But you refuse to see what you did,
Refuse to see what you made,
Happen,
So I will not stop burning,
I will not stop until you,
See.

I will burn everything to the ground just to make you see me once again.

This life
This day
This week
This year

It's all new
It's all perfect

It's a life without regrets
It's a life without sorrow

It's a life I thought I'd never have
It's a life I thought I'd lost
It's a life I'd left behind

Why is it that now half past twelev at night I'm thinking about you,
About your smile and laugh,
The way your eyes Krinkle,
The softness of your hands and fingers,
Every detail of your face,
Of you,
I just can't stop,
And yet I know you don't think of me like that,
I'm sure sooner or later you'll stop texting,
You'll stop caring,
You'll forget me I'm sure,
I'll never forget you tho and the way you laugh and smile,
The way you sleep,
Or how you sigh at what I've said,

Maybe it's just me clinging onto what's already gone.

A dark night
A misty morning
All signs of life hidden
My mind open to the sounds of the world
But closed off from life

A dark night full of terror
A misty morning of regrets
Memories of a life befor
A feeling of longing for a time gone by

A dark night full of nightmares
A misty morning of hope
My feet move to find a new path
My heart searches for a new feeling

A dark night twisting and turning me over
A misty morning pulling me awake
My life beats my mind into submission
My eyes see all but understands nothing

A dark night
A misty morning
And still lost hope that I can't find
And still looking for the past to be the future.

I don't know what to think,
One day I'm happy
The next I'm exctied
And after that it all spirales down out of control,
It starts with. Nightmares,
Then the shakes,
After te cold deadness inside takes over,
So now I try not be happy because when I am it all spirales out of control,
It is easier to deal with the cold than to deal with the warmth,

So now I don't know what to think,
I don't know what to believe,
I don't know what to do anymore,
So now I'm lost and falling into the uncontrollable spiral falling out of control,
So now I don't know what to think.

I don't know why,
But when I lay here watching the rain fall,
I remember all the pain,
The sorrow and sadness,
It's like each raindrop,
Is like tear shed by the sky,

It's like the world is crying for all of us,
See our sadness each day and night,
Like it holds it in for as long as it can,
But like tonight the sky cries,
And shows us that it sees our pain,

And I sit here and see in those tears my memories and sadness,
And like the sky I hold it in,
But then I cry and let it out,
Because I can't hold it in anymore,

My tears like the rain drops,
Dropping and hitting the floor,
With no sympathy,
With no one there to wipe them away,

But sky gives us one thing when it cries,
And that's a new start,
It washes away the tear tracks,
And washes away our actions,

The sky sees out pain and when it rains it rains for us,
Showing us that it sees,
And It knows our pain,

So let it rain and wash away out tear tracks,
And give us a new start.

Black,
Grey,
These are the colours i see,
These are the colours that cloud my vision,
Cloud my eyes,
Cloud my judgement,
The black of pain kills my heart kills my soul,
The black of pain blocks out the white light of the sun,
The white light of happiness love and warmth,
The grey of sorrow drowns my heart,
It pulls me under,
It fills my lungs,
It chokes me,
There is no white light,
No warmth,
No love,
No happiness,

There is no white light,
Only,
Black,
and,
Grey,

These are the colours i see,
These are the colours i live with,
My life passes by in and black and grey.

Come on guys,
Get up,
Stand Up,
Lie to me,
Come on guys,
Get Up,
Stand Up,
Pull or Fist's up,
Lets get it on guys,

Come on,
Get up,
Stand Up.

Lets have this fun now Come on.

i sit here,
watching the moon,
watching the smoke from my cigarette,
streaming from lips,
curling up into the air,
and i always wish that i was the smoke,
O the pleasure i would have floating through the sky,
flying with the wind,
winding my way through the trees,
completely free,
free of pain,
of sadness,
of loss,
free of your memory,
free of your voice,
free to let you go,
but like the smoke of my cigarette,
its smoke lingers in my lungs,
like you linger in my mind,
the smoke kills me slowly,
and your memories pull me down,

so i sit here and wish that i was the smoke,
floating into the sky.

these four walls,
they close me in,
hold me tight,
lock me away from the world,

these four walls remain,
where no one else has,
where friends and family and stepped away,
where love seeps away,

these four walls are all i have.

Where have you gone,
Darling please tell me,
Give me a clue so I may at least search for you,
Where have you gone,
My love younhave disappeared,
You have left a gaping hole in my chest,
I have you my heart and you have gone,
Taking everything with you.

I have you everything, everything I had left to give.
Darling.
Where have you gone.

Insecure lives of all those around us,
The dreams and hopes of all those random people,
The shedding of tears and smiles,
The wonderful sound of laughter from delicate giggles to outrageous snorts.

The world is passing us by step by step,
So lets enjoy it,
The Sad,
The Happy,
The Wonderful.

The hopeless romantics with notions of love forever till death,
To the man ****** and women of ****** needs who grab and pull at each others clothes,
The old couples who know each other better than they know them selves.

The World is life,
And We the People are the World,
The World is life.

Lets Enjoy Each Other

I don't know why,
But I feel empty inside,
Lost even,
There's just nothing left to give,
Like I'm floating in space,
And dropping like a stone in a lake with nothing to hold on to,

I don't know why,
But this emptiness seems like home,
Bring empty means there's no pain,
I like that,
No pain.

I don't know why,
But I may just let the emptiness.
Stay.

When its night you are my solace,
You're my warmth,
You're my hopes and dreams,
When's its the day you're my energy,
You're my passion,
You're my drive.

You are my everything,
you're my heart,
you're my soul,
you're my happiness,
you're my love,

you are the light at the end of my tunnel ,
you are the light which drives away my darkness,
you are the light that chases my nightmares away,

but now you're gone,
the light has been extinguished,
now you're gone the tunnel begins to darken,
now you're gone the darkness returns,
now you're gone the nightmares return and plague my dreams.

now you're gone;
my hopes and dreams shrink and disappear,
my warmth begins to seep away,
my passion dwindles like a fire with no fuel.
now you're gone;
my heart drains of love, hope and happiness,
my soul tears it self apart,

Now Your Gone.

A life with no regrets,
What a life that would be,
A life where you rember all the good and none of the bad,
Where love is the stuff that moves moutains not money,
Where life and love go hand in hand,
And where we don't have to say bye to our loved ones.

If only out dreams could
Come
Tire.

As i open my eyes from the nightmare that plagues my sleep and attacks my thoughts i only see darkness, an expanse of nothing;
No Light ,
No Warmth,
No Life,
This Darkness cannot be seen by others;
It is my Darkness,
My Fears,
My Demons,
This Darkness cannot be heard, cannot be smelt it is cold it devours the light that i once held in my heart it takes all that i once held it takes;
My love,
My Happiness,
This darkness leaves me with nothing but despair,
It leaves my once beating heart an empty shell,
It takes my warmth and replaces it with sadness,
where once i knew love and happiness now all i know is
Loss and Sorrow.

Some times I get lost,
Not in real life,
But in my head,
I get lost within my own thoughts,
The whirl winds of word that could have been said,
Should have been said,
Get lost within the endless possibilities,
The could haves,
Should haves,
And of course,
I get lost in the memories,
Not the happy ones,
Not the ones that make me smile and laugh,
But the ones that make me cry and shake on pain, in loss and sorrow,

Even now laying here,
I'm lost in those same memories,
And I can't escape them,

Can't escape the pain,
And the bone shattering force of sadness,
The cold tracks of my tears are the reminder that I will never be able to change what happened,

I get lost and even now I can't find a way out.

Hold your breath,
and let the air burn in your lungs,
Don't let that breath out,
Because if you do you'll lose it all,
The family,
That girl who means the world to you,
you'll lose everything,
If you let that breath out,

every breath,
every word,
every moment,
i don't speak,
i don't do anything but watch,
I'm still there with you,
Holding your hand,
Seeing your smile,
loving you to all my hearts content,

if i just hold my breath i might,
might just still be with you.

I want it gone this feeling inside
This feeling of longing
This feeling of loss
This pang of guilt

I want it gone this pain inside
This ember that burns my soul
The fire which darkens my mind

I want them gone the ghosts
Your ghosts you left them here
You left your laugh echo in my house
You left your voice in my ear
You left your ghost walking around me

I want it gone this feeling
This feeling for you
I loved you
I see you in everything I do
I hear your voice every were I go

I want it all gone
I want a clean slate
A new start
A sandbox for me to build in
I want to create new memories

I want it all gone
So you can move on
So you can live your life
So you can be happy.

I want it gone this feeling inside
These ghosts
These fires
I want you to move on and he happy.

A moment of joy,
A spark of something more,
A bolt of happiness,

But then the sudden realisation,
The pain returns,
The sorrow of what could have been,
The what could haves,
The shoulds,

That momeant of joy,
Turns to a life time of sadness.

My eyes to heavy to stay open,
My arms to heavy to lift,
My legs to heavy to move,

Everything is just to much,
Everything is to heavy,
Everything is too much,

I'm just so tired,
Tired of trying,
Tired if trying move something that won't move,

It's just to heavy,
It's just to much.

Sometimes it's like the world stops turning,
Like time it's self just stops with the world,
Everything goes dark,
Everything stops,
It gets cold so cold I can't move,
Sometimes I don't know why but I treasure these moments,
Even though they cause pain,
Even though they make me yarn for things i have lost or can't have,
I treasure them because in those times I don't have I care,
All I have to do is just worry about my own survival.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to survive,
Just let time take my breath away so I don't have to breath anymore.

There has always been one quote that has stuck with me through out my teenage life, it always made me think of us as a species, as people and of what as both individuals and as a species we are capable of,
and we really capable of so much,
Love,
Happiness,
Sadness,
Laughter,
Caring,
Hope,
And so much more, we as humans have the power to change the world,
And yet we don't,
And i Can say this because i don't believe in humans because i have been let down by so many,
I don't see the love or happiness or laughter not the caring or the hope,
I see people human beings walk past children getting beaten and abused,
I watch kids beat other kids for iPhones,
I see adults abuse kids for no reason other than they are drunk,

so many of these moments take my breath away and not for the right reasons, so many times I've lost my breath out of rage and anger over what we as humans have done and of what we have not done.

The quote for me that brings this together is this:

"Life is not measured by how many breaths we take but by how many breaths are taken away"

This counts for both the good and the bad moments in life, before i die i want to see and feel my breath taken away for the right reason.

What takes your breath away, both the good and the bad??

You tell me to talk to you,
Tell you I'm when I'm not doing great,
But when I do your not there,
You never replay,
You never read it,
Never pick up,
Your always somewhere else when it matters,

They all say it "talk to me I'm here for you I promise",
But no one is there when it truly matters,
No one listens,
It's like talking to brick wall,
Hard,
Emotionless,
Full of cracks,

Yes no ones perfect but when you make a promise,
Don't go back on it.

Not a day goes by that I don't thank who ever made this world because they made you and I'm making you they have made me a new with love and happiness in my heart.

But not a day goes by that I do not worry, that I am not scared that one day you will no longer be here by my side.

But not a day goes by that I do not worry about you because you are my life my love and my soul.

But not a day goes by where I don't worry because I can not stand to lose you.

But not a day goes by where I do not worry because without you I am an empty shell.

But not a day goes by where I do not worry about you my love. My one and only my world.

I love you infinity and beyond and back again forever and always.

But not a day goes by that I do not worry and that's okay because that's just who I am.

There's no word
Or action
Or book
Or person
Who can describe what it's like
To truly give up

There is no reason
Nothing
That's just it there's nothing

I've tired and tried
For the love of god I've tried
For friends
Family and loved ones

But there's nothing left
Nothing to try for anymore

So I'm giving up
As I've said in poems before
I'm becoming the empty shell

That nothing
Just something that used to be and is
No more.

Giving up

Remember me and smile,
For it's better to forget me
Than to remember me and cry,
Remember me and laugh at the happy memories,
For it's better to forget me,
Than remember me and cry,
Remember me for what i was,
And not what i have become,
Remember me for my love for you,
And not for the sorrow that now is in my heart,
Remember me and smile,
For its better to forget me,
Than remember me and cry.

Smile my love for the once happy thoughts and happy memories.
smile.

Just leave me
I'm not worth saving
Not worth protecting
Not worth anything
So just leave me
Leave me to die.

if i could have one wish,
i would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck,
your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin and the feel of your heart beating with mine;
knowing now that i could never find that feeling with anyone but you.

When you saw the world, its colors and textures and sounds, I felt I felt the way you thought, hoped, felt, dreamt. I felt I was dreaming and thinking and feeling with you. I dreamed what you dreamed, wanted what you wanted--and then I realized that truly I just wanted you.

i will always in my heart or hearts realise that all i want is you to have you in my arms and in my heart to have you take me away to a place where our dreams are life and our love never ending.

Lost in a never ending spiral,
A rabbit hole with no end,
Spinning out of control,
No end,
Just falling firths and deeper into madness,
Going,
Going,
And gone,

Lost forever.