Sweep the dust off
Polish and buff the edges
Clean and wipe the surfaces.

I start afresh.

I thought I should write a happy poem
Try to channel some positivity in my words
Hopefully it gets to my thoughts and
Finally my heart.

But,
I got stuck.

It dawned upon me we had never
celebrated Christmas together because
You would indefinitely be
Out of town.

I remembered the vintage cards
you got me for Valentine's though,
those you couriered through a friend,
accompanied with your sweet note.

I still crave, you know.
The basil chicken rice, chicken wings and thai milk tea
at our favourite thai restaurant,
near the lodge.

Are the ponies still there?
I smile thinking back about how I
stopped you in your tracks and irritated you
with my indecisive texts about our adventure.

Man in black 1 2 3 wasn't as
interesting as your sleep talking, really.
"Hug more, more"
But I swear the air con wasn't helping.

Pasta, and the Jolly Shandy
wannabe champagne on your birthday.
Percy pig and working hard for pancakes,
Do these ring a bell?

1993 shirt
Zara perfume
A photo of you driving
That scar on your chin.

Thoughts come and go you know,
it really isn't up to me.
"You haven't met enough guys to conclude"
Your voice echoed.

I am clear, or so I hope to be.
I still know how you like your Subway, and
the Harry Potter name of your dog,
The dog you think of

As frequently as you thought of me.
Friendship. "I tried, and I wasn't comfortable."
I tried too,
Friendship; inevitable.

There are times you succumb to irrationality too?
"Just for tonight"
One night,
One kiss.

I felt it, you know?
I hope irrationality still runs in
your blood and it continues
to boil you to take action, someday.

Against my interests or not
It doesn't matter.
Pathetic self inflicted redemption that kills my
strength and feminism callings.

I thought I burnt my longing for you
along with those stars
and cards and correction tape and money
and your manly diary.

What burnt was passion and
incorrigible stubbornness instead.
Blind faith in fate
Naked trust in love.

This Christmas
I try to give myself a present.
I thought long and hard,

My present is my present.

I'd brace a million nights
with insomnia breathing you.

I'd collide a million experiments
cruising errors to get your trial.

I'd tear a million other lips
for thirst to be quenched by yours.

I'd dissolve a million letters
in acid to crystallise love.

I'd conquer a million dolls
for them as exchange for one.

A million of millions of things
just for one in a million.

"AO"
Because I scream my hurt in your name.

"MINE"
Because you did once belong to me.

"GOD"
Because no one else can help me.

I grew ***** last night.
I went down,
I poured my feelings,
I waited for a reply.

But I guess it was
Too aggressive
Too persistent
Too stubborn.

You weren't touched
nor impressed.
Calm, as usual.
Why wasn't I surprised?

You said I was
Living in the past,
You can't do anything about it,
You just hope I'm happier this way.

Pathetic,
you made me sound.
But I guess that was it.
Closure once and for all.

I don't regret my *****
because they sought for me truth,
just that truth was presented
in the hardest way ever invented.

You said Move on,
Find someone better.

But who is going to be better
Than the best?

You are like a blank page.

One without any past,
Without any dust.

One I get to fill,
With everything I feel.

You are like a blank page.

I am afraid to touch
I am afraid to hold
I am afraid I won’t let go.

You are like a blank page.

I can stain with blots,
Chain you with locks.

I can stab you with pain,
Make you go insane.

You are like a blank page.

I will try my best to ease
I will try my best to kiss
I will try my best so this love won’t cease.

You are my blank page.

I deliberately existed
in your time and space.

I hope to see you, sense you.
I plan the conversations in my head,
Exactly which words to use.

I searched for you
But to no avail.

Just when I turn to give it all up,
Your face appeared
Right at the corner of my turn.

I see you, I sense you.
But the words I planned
Dissolved and gibberish took over
That blank space in my head.

It was a short encounter,
it didn't mean anything at all,
Except that we still have fate and may
Our fate intertwine again.

I burned my feelings into ashes
with the dry ice in my heart,
from the chills you bestowed upon me.

Those ashes I saved and kept them
in a box, I sealed it and
named it "Past".

The bubble of hope died and
my feelings vanished into thin air-
or I wished.

I took Past and I painstakingly
dug at hole, so deep
at the bottom of my heart.

That's where the Past shall stay,
where you shall be,
where this love strives to persist.

Commitment is heavy
both on the heart
and on the shoulders.

Most forget and they crumple
under the weight of expectations
and romantic moments.

Commitment is like carrying you
through the sea but not
unloading you when things get rough.

Sometimes people get confused
about which valuables to keep
and which to abandon.

Commitment is like flying a plane
I get to lead and
direct us to the beautiful islands.

But it's never about me flying
it's about you landing and
never crashing you.

I just want to
Date.

Doll up,
Smell nice,
Dress up,
Look cute,
Heads up,
Sound sweet.

I just want to
Date.

Meet up,
Smile wide,
Hook up,
Hug tight,
Break up,
Kiss hard.

I just want to
Date.

Come around acting like you
have been always here
when all you did
was to float around aimlessly.

I twirl my hair,
batter my eyelids,
flash my smile.

You won't even know I am




Pretending.

Blonde
*****
*****

Really?

I expected more from you.

What's meant to be will be.
(So I don't have to fight for it to be.)

What's meant to be will be.
(So I don't have to be eager to please.)

What's meant to be will be.
(I really hope you still feel it's me.)

What's meant to be will be.
(I assume you will come back to me.)

F ate is when we go
A way from each other only to come back
T ogether stronger and continue staying together for
E ternity and whichever comes after.

They have scales to protect them
When all I have is a thin layer of
skin which scratches easily.

They have fins to propel them forward
When I only have useless
limbs which weigh me down further.

They have gills to help them breathe
When I only have a pathetic
nose which is constantly blocked by tears.

I am jealous of you,
Fish.

I recognise the way your lips curl up
but no longer do I know
the reasons behind those curls.

I can imitate your laughter,
the way you sound like a boy but
no longer can I make you do it.

I am familiar
with everything about you but
everything isn't the same anymore.

You are
a foreign land
which I had used to trough.

Like a favourite song,
I recognise the tune
But no longer those notes.

Like the neighbourhood bus,
I know the number
But no longer the route.

Familiar I am,
with the way your lips curl up
But no longer am the reason.

Foreign I am,
to everything you are,
To everything that you were.

Your hands on my back
Each time we cross the road.

Your lips on my cheeks
Whenever you send me.

Your fingers in my hair
That day I got sick.

"Give me a kiss"
You said.
A hand on my breast,
The other on my waist.

But Dad.

I tried to search for
Scraps of things we have left.
Mutual friends, songs, photos.

I only found scraps because so much had
Decomposed since a long time ago.
I cringed and sobbed.

I felt indignant
I tried even harder to remember your
Jokes, scent, habits.

The recollection was pathetic.
Subconsciously memories were fading,
I sweared and cursed.

But there's nothing I can do, because
What's gone,
Will always be gone.

A pull,
weighing me down.
A weight too hard to bear.

A force,
holding me upright.
A hold too tight to resist.

A strength,
feeding me too much.
A body too weak to sustain.

I dreamt that I was a tyre
but I was punctured,
air was escaping.

I dreamt that I was a tank
but I was leaking,
water was draining.

I dreamt that I was a me
but I was crying,
parts of me were failing.

I can't go on
not when I'm hollow.

As we grow, we learn that
it's critical to be logical, and
it's only logical to be critical.

As we learn, we strive to
Detach from what we were attached to, only being more
Attached to what we were trying to detach from.

As we strive, we realize that
Many things aren't real
and real things aren't many.

As we realize, we understand why
Humans hope, love and dream, as
hope, love and dreams make us -

Human.

I can be your support,
your shoulder,
your soul mate.

I can be your friend,
your fling,
your fantasy.

And more,

I can be your lover.

But I can't,
Because you don't allow me to.

Because it seems
Unbeatable,
Seemingly perfect.

Because I don't remember anymore
Flaws,
If they exist or not.

Because you are like a
Bubble,
Beautiful before burst.

Because reality is not a
Daydream,
Nights do fall.

Because we all need some
Fairytale,
Silly but real.

It's not because
I no longer love you.

It's not because I think
We are not meant to be.

It's surely not because
I am bored of waiting.

But it's because
I replay those memories.

And involuntarily,
I saw the hurt in your eyes.

It's evident though I had missed it previously,
**It's too late to even try.

I'm sorry
for the deprived trust due to my own unreasonable insecurities.

I'm sorry
for the controlling acts stemming from my fear of loss.

I'm sorry
for the cowardice in my flight as I find no guts to stay.

I'm sorry
for the tainted glass I brought along to shame the window pane.

I'm sorry
for the ignorance I possess which blinded me to the gem.

I'm sorry
for the frost in my words even colder than dry ice.

I'm sorry
for the self-righteousness which built the wall around us.

I'm sorry
for the obedience to social norms that created false compliance.

I'm sorry,
I messed up.

I know one fine day
I would need to wake up
And let all this go.

But for now,
And these few months,
Maybe these few years...

Let me preserve these feelings,
the hurt
the sorrow.

The good,
The warmth,
The love ( if I may call it. )

In case,
Just in case
You turn back.