You know, i think that the earth must be crying
It's just got to be shedding tears the size of stars
Because we humans have inflicted it with countless deep running scars
From wars, envirodevastation and more toxicity than i can contain in these bars
But how could we betray our oldest and dearest friend?
Even if we know that this will all go away ome day
In the end it'll matter what we did to preserve and abide and protect,
Not what we did at the expense of others for the sake of profits to collect

"Thank God the humans aren't on us!"
-the other planets in the solar system...

The funny thing about faith is that
You don't really get the tests you take until long after the fact
You don't know why the storm is brewing, or why your character is under attack
Why is it my life that's being broken down? They deserve it because I'm not like that!
But you try to stretch those muscles of faith knowing someone, or something has your back

So you put on a brave face and soldier on
Despite not knowing how much longer it's in you to hold on
All seems lost, you're finally going to break
It's like being trapped in San Andreas during a massive earthquake
And suddenly someone pays you back more than what life had to take
Its like life evens out, a balance that's impossible to break

Now I'm not advocating any particular religion
But read this closely so you know the point is before you,  so listen
to that voice in the back of your head saying it may be dark now but there's brightness on the way
It may be hard to stand up now, but that adrenalin shot will come tomorrow, if not today
As long as you learn to stretch those muscles of hope and of faith

You can make it through the night to that brighter day

Why can't i shake
This playfully ***** ghost
That i play host to?
I can ignore it for some time
But i find that i always hear
My innermost fantasies in my head
I guess you could say romance isn't dead
But quiet as its kept i love hearing my
Name in your breath
As we kiss and we playfully caress
Each other's lips, hips and *******
Stimulating a sensation that's just the best
Foreplay on our body as well as our minds
As i kiss up your thigh you say your hot wet hole is all mine
As i slide inside i whisper you look and feel divine

Boy, this ghost has me in a bind

A new girl moved next door,
I helped her carry some of her boxes in
She was very nice
Little did I know what was in store
 
A few months had gone by
She was starting to settle in
One weekend, I was drawing, when I heard a spraying noise
I looked down and saw the girl
Washing her car, her attire, or lack thereof, making a lot of noise.

She looked up at me, saw me watching
She bit her lip and moved her bikinis string flossing
Teasing, and tantalizing, I slowly walked away into my room
It was kinda early but I contemplated pleasuring myself, at least before I go out this afternoon.

Right as I got up to get lotion
There was a loud knock at the entrance to my home
I answered the door and said who is it
And it was her, completely disrobed.

Wait Nero, how does the story end?

Now I've kept you waiting long enough
Let's put this story to bed
She jumped me inside my apartment
And pleasured me, with her head
But that was just the beginning
of this afternoon of debauchery

After that I drank her womanly juices
You could hear screaming down the hall
The neighbors most definitely knew our names
My God this girl was so good in bed
It was driving me insane

So I laid her over the kitchen counter
And ravaged her with my shaft
We had opened up this Pandora's box
Of lust, there was no going back

Anyway, we laid on the floor
Both exhausted, and sexually spent
I grabbed a drink off of the counter
Because I didn't even know her name
I offered it to her and she said thank you... I'll definitely be by again

Now I know what your thinking,
"Nero you hate being single! Crap you barely even know how to mingle!"
but I've really given it thought and wrote this down
single people take solace in these hard facts
number one no can criticize you for liking at internet ***
number two no Valentine's financial obligations
number 3 that's the time you get yourself together, moving your life like a train from station
number 4 I adore that you aren't obligated to answer to anyone
number 5 IT'S ALIVE you can spend more time having fun

so long story short everything has both a reason and a season
I learned the hard way that people come into your life for a little while but the truck is to make your time with them worth your while

No this isn't a Clint Eastwood movie
I'm just saying what's true about me
and maybe some other people besides
Go ahead find one person to which this doesn't apply
All I'll say is that if you decide to pursue me
you're going to have to deal with the good. the bad and the ugly
I have a past, I've made mistakes and I've hurt and been hurt before
I'm hard to love, and I don't know what my life has in store
if you can deal with all that, then I promise you this
I'll Love you like nothing else, I'm faithful down to the last wish

As most people know, owls are symbols of wisdom
As well as omens of ill tidings and lost hope
Abnormally the horned owl sits on a branch, its eyes staring, green and cold into the night sky
As the moonlight bends in a triangular prism

A gentle "hoot hoot" cuts softly into the air
Striking fear into the small rodents who would dare
To come out at night, and risk being devoured
So maybe, just maybe in the forest floor

We're those small rodents, due to all we have to endure
And the Owl is our predator, keeping us in check
Well, I've got news for you Mr. Owl, I'm not dead yet!

The Guide
the guide that lies in front of my eyes
The spirit that no one can see,
the spirit that knows no apathy
Only cold purpose
And it would never try to shirk it's duties to us pitiful humans but do we
as people, as poets, as breathing life forms
Do more harm than good, or Good than harm with our words whether slurred, spoken, written or whispered lovingly being the barn?
Do we live our lives to the fullest while chopping down another's forest
Or do we abhor this enough to encourage life among all organisms within this earths strange prism?

The hardest people to love arent just those who have had their hearts broken
Or worse their innocence stolen
More than that it's those people who dont have confidence after being shot down so much
Getting browbeaten and your bravado shattered is a pretty heady crutch
Being crushed by insecurities makes one difficult to accept someone's affections, you see

Now there's also those afraid of commitment,
Although if you asked them they're scared to admit it
Deep down they still harbor resentment
But you have to let that ship sail on to where it's supposed to go, even if it isnt easy to watch the water carry it away

The Harshest Critic you could ever meet is yourself
when I have money I always don't have enough
if I'm lonely it's my fault I haven't lived enough to know lust from love
I always critique myself harshly because I know my potential is in the stars.

But maybe I'm too ******* myself,
well what would you want a soft man's mental health?! learn to hide your feelings and release them onto the page!
I did that brain, now the more I write sometimes the worse I feel and the less I heal.

but you need me to put this into perspective because you're opinion on what I do isn't subjective you're not aggressive enough you'll fall to the ground like Dust

SHUT UP! I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYMORE! I TRY NOT TO OVERTHINK EVERYTHING BUT YOU ******* ME FASTER THAN A 20 DOLLAR WXORE!

I could take all the sickness from my heart and write it to my evil twin in a message and she wouldn't judge me no matter how late I send it
I can be the most depressed or depressing or cry my eyes into a stupor And I'll still get a response saying "I believe in you you're super."
Lord knows I've been a diary or a journal to some of my friends
now I have one of my own I can talk to like I was writing with my pen
So Misty, thank you honestly for putting up with my crazy self
I probably wouldn't have woken up today if it wasn't for your help
you've been more to me than a book on a shelf
You've been a friend, mentor, and a mechanic to my damaged self,
Been more consistent and reliable than the police when I needed help

:)

Stop sticking
your pins in my sides
I'm not an avatar for someone else's pain
I have enough wounds of my own that need to heal
so stop trying to make me
your voodoo doll
because I'm not built for that kind of pain
no not at all
I know I've done a lot of wrong
I know I can't do any right
but stop punishing me because of this
it's nowhere near worth the fight.

So please I beg you against my pride
stop stabbing me violently in the side
dispiriting my body and reaping my soul
because you know I've nowhere to go
I'm trapped imprisoned inside my own head
the same thing that helps keep me awake could turn on me And I'd wind up dead.

I can't escape my mind And I can't get it right
if I got up any measure of nerve maybe I wouldn't be writing this tonight
I keep trying to exorcise these ghosts upstairs but they keep coming back to life

So I'm standing at the lake
watching the waves crash and roll away
listening to the sounds of nature
caress my ears
like I've always been here everyday through the years

I'm crying out tears
Tortured by my gift
every blow cuts deeper
then most who can roll with it

but tis the curse of the Poet
to be sensitive when life is tough
to take heartbreak more personally
than those who claim to be tough

Ladies. just a quick question
have you been hurt before or am I just guessing
have you ever wanted to know when he cares about you
truly beyond all reason when he thinks about you?

Well sit back ladies and I'll give you the guide
on how to better understand your guy
First off, men express their affections differently
If he texts you compliments constantly, whether you're at work or not is a sign to me

When he goes out of his way to try to brighten your day
when he speaks from the heart not just to play
when he tells you you're beautiful and makes you believe it
he's really falling for you, trust me I've seen it

If he doesn't ask for anything the first date
if he waits for you to feel comfortable,
and holds you around the waist,
if he cuddles up to you at night, brings you food in the morning
he cares about you girl, so you better not let him go away

Alright I did a guide for the ladies
now here's a little bit for the fellas
now gentlemen it's not easy doing what those ladies tell us
but here's a quick guide to the ladies
hopefully you'll take my advice and heed it because we need more real men lately

Okay if your lady annoys about you about the little stuff
By the way don't treat your girl like a little piece of fluff,
be gentle but tough, be hard but weak
but most of all fellas, be unique

If you stay loyal, treat her like she royal and **** her so good you make her skin boil
then she'll stay with you thru the good and the bad thru the happy and sad times
and no I'm not saying this just to rhyme
but don't be one thing and act like another

They say the more you smile
the more wrinkles appear on your face,
if that's the truth then I'll be wrinkled like a prune come June, several months after I'm very old and grey

Now you may be thinking, Nero as much as you talk about heartbreak and lonely feelings in your musings you'll be properly wrinkly when your prime is long past?
well yes dear reader, because often times I've taken up the role of the man who laughs

The man who laughs where most would cry
the man who laughs where my tears have dried
the man who took up a mask of mirth
inhaled and it like incense or myrrh

So when will the man who laughs, laugh his last?

It's like a jungle sometimes
that's what The Grandmaster said
but learning about bodies being found in alleys over colors
that's maybe not what he saw in his head
the streets are cruel, but they teach you a lot
every day in my city it seems
someone's getting shot
More bullets pop every night
And more kids don't get to see the sunlight
to quote Run-Dmc whatever did happen to unity?
we lost the concept when getting money and turning up became the only objects
of our fascination and now our babies won't grow up to see outside the chainlink fence that symbolizes the divide between the hoods, north south west and east side we need to call a truce put all the beef aside and let's grow as a city it won't be easy at all
but I guarantee if we can do this it's together not apart from the homies is how we'll ball

Why do the words find my pen so appealing and my mouth the opposite?

Why can my Writings express my feelings and my speech barely even scratch the surface?

Where can I find a happy medium between my pen and my mouth
Because it's really killing me to have all these thoughts swirling around in my brain, and not being sure about how they'll come out

Sometimes one moves faster than the other
And it's annoying, not funny like undercover brother

So if anyone knows how, please tell me what am I to do?
Because my head is wired more chaotically than the San Diego zoo

Why do the words find my pen so appealing and my mouth the opposite?

Why can my Writings express my feelings and my speech barely even scratch the surface?

Where can I find a happy medium between my pen and my mouth
Because it's really killing me to have all these thoughts swirling around in my brain, and not being sure about how they'll come out

Sometimes one moves faster than the other
And it's annoying, not funny like undercover brother

So if anyone knows how, please tell me what am I to do?
Because my head is wired more chaotically than the San Diego zoo

This is the next movement a new notebook a new feeling some spoken word smooth **** for everybody to vibe and groove with
First allow me to reintroduce myself my name is Neroamee Alucard despite the name if I played football I'd need a c$ck guard
My heart is hard due to pain and rain weighing on Me like an anvil on my brain. My mind is icy like Mr. Freeze with ease I displease myself and defeat all these toy emcees
Gears are grinding like a slow jam let me run this poetic program enough of my sappy bland ******* I gotta speak my mind in rhyme so if you've ever had depression or thought of suicide then pay close attention to this line
It sounds cliche but it's always darkest before the break of day so it may be bad and cold right now but it gets better my friend so put that knife down don't let your story end

Help me,
Someone save me
I want these corridors of my mind
To be painted black like a rolling Stone, because i find
That my knee **** reaction to problems
Is to revel in my past knowing that won't solve them.
But still they try
To bore into my mind
Breaking and entering is I'm sure a crime
Someone help me, save me please
Save me from the persistence of a memory

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility." - Khalil Gibran

That quote inspired what I wrote because pain is a constant in this cruel world
And in all reality our pain is inspired by the struggles we've gone through, so it may not be easy but to medicate and starting the process of healing is on you.  Others may have caused what you're going through but it's up to you to make it better, because even if it's raining now there's always a chance for better weather

I often drift and wonder why hip hop isn't music in other people's eyes
Its despised because they can't relate to what's played on the wax or on stage
These bars are straight from our heart to the page
Then delivery from the vocal chords to the mic in the booth and then we drop the album and pay our dues
Like DJ Clue mixing up the tapes for those trying to make it off of pen play and rhyme
I find when you're new money with an old soul you're less despised, but despite the critcism of the science of lyricism hip hop will always be unique, for there are many genres of music but hip hop truly is the poetry of the streets

The pressure to please
Is a CID, Creatively Induced disease
It hurts when you pour
Your heart and soul into your art
And the audience rejects it
It feels like a bullet tearing you apart

The self doubt sets in
"What did I do wrong? "
Can't they see what's within?"
"Am i losing my way? "
"Should I give up today? "

So to offset this problem be your own solution
Understand that you can't please everyone, and to try is a date with a mental institution
Just do what you love, and others will see the glow
Now when you've become great, all but you will know

I'm cursed I guess
with a mind so occupied on what's inside that I forget there are people outside
but I think of it as a sign I'm blessed

I mean I have the ignoring ability of a rock
I listen to music and understand it, and I branched out from hip hop
I can focus on my tasks although daydreams carry me
from the real world into my twisted reality

They say the quiet kid is the one you have to watch
seriously. don't pay us any attention we aren't part of an evil plot
but if you wake up one day and see we rule the world

Don't be surprised at all...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
oh wait too much maniacal laughter I'm gonna hurl!

Therapy Session

What's the point of explaining
When all I get is you're ****** in the head
I feel like a caged animal forced to write **** by my own hands
I'm an ******* and no one seems to believe expect those who listen, and take me seriously when I say I ******* hate the world  
Well allow me to play the role
Of deacon blues
Because you need to vent
As I do
There's a hole in my head
The size of San Andreas
I know I'm not at fault
But I can't help but to take it to heart
A lost cause taking steps to my hearse
With each blow to my ego
Heck even my friends think I'm about to explode
A self-centered freak with my heart on a sleeve
I'm my own disease
I've been my worst enemy
I've fought myself for years
But I am better, I hope you see
I'm here for you death,
Just follow me
Knock knock
You there?
Of course not, you left
So I'm calling it quits
**** what you said, I know what I heard
I'm to far gone even the angels refuse to save me
Tonight I'm throwing lady off the cliff

Forgive me sir Edgar Allen
Poe I must write this out because it's maddening
Me to no foreseeable end
I stand here, right noe, at ravens end.

I walked outside the chamber onto the Astral plane
And saw the thoughts, scribbles and pops that amounted in crowds insane
What was in my sight by no means plain
And I stood there, contemplating at ravens end.

An ebony bird flew onto my shoulder looking out at the subconscious murmurings gathered by the pink and gooey Boulder
He crowed loudly, silencing the ideas so I could speak
I shouted to them "FELLOW CITIZENS WE MUST OVER TAKE THE PEAK!"
"WE MUST SEARCH OUT AND RECLAIM WHAT MADE US UNIQUE!"
And the raven crowed again, it seemed as if it wished to speak.

Rousing the ideas were, and creativity flowed back into my head
Reactivating circutry that was once long dead
And outside the lab where I was laid to rest
A raven flew back home to his nest
He crowed loudly, so loud that one could hear what he had to say at the neighborhood store

And so I quote the raven... nevermore

Sickle in hand
souls in pocket
heart colder
than a stainless steel locket

How many souls on my list tonight
how many are ripe for the picking
how many fools shall tempt me tonight
my scythe is giddy and itching

The night so young
like a ******'s sweet kiss
The church bells haven't rung
we'll have to fix this

So many screaming...
as I do my **** job
do you not realize without my work
that the earth would be overcrowded, like life in a bog?
or choking with smog
but then I guess my work is becoming outdated
humans are killing each other slowly... it's a wonder they ever made it

There's that feeling again
that primal urge,
      that wanton desire
                        I don't know where it comes
from, but it's back and burning, like a never
       extinguished fire.
               That desire for hot skin pressed up   against mine, wanting to hear all of those sensual noises as we pleasure each other, every soft groan and every muttered curse,
                   to desire this and not have access, that's the ******* worst.

There was love here
There was affection here
There wasn't any regret
There wasn't any fear

There was hope
There was strength
There was vigor

There's anxiety
There's some pain
There was sunshine
Now there's rain

But there will be happiness
There will be a smile again
There were scars once
But those wounds will heal again

An apostle named Paul said that the love of money is the root of all evil
The playwright George Bernard Shaw said that the lack of money is the root of all evil

I think they're both right, but personally i couldn't bring myself to put any money on it.

If money is evil, it seems like war that it is a necessary one
But that doesn't mean we should spend all of our time training with knives and guns
And like Mobb Deep said a shook one
Would dare to use their natural talents to earn funds

But what about doing something for the love of doing it?
What about artistic integrity and  personal pride?
Well, I'll put it to you like this.
Every artist thats had a hit has also had to miss

And if you can make money doing what you love for the rest of your years
Bless you, creative soul for culturing our sodding ears

I walked into the guitar store
simply desiring to change the strings
not knowing at all
what this lovely day would bring

I sat my acoustic on the counter
and picked out my string set
Martin Acoustics, always trusted
a purchase I never regret

I sat and played on my Christmas present
A baby blue Fender Strat
into the shop walked My lady
with a figure like an hourglass

She said she was in the mood for some excitement
I was always willing to provide
I said but darling were in public
she said I don't care, I want you with those deep blue eyes.

so I snuck her into the repair shop
surrounded by tools and parts
I kissed her deeply and traced
on her ample ******* a heart

I slid her pants down and drank from her womanly cup
I heard her moan and whimper
as deeper and deeper I supped

she decided to reciprocate
and slid down my jeans as well
I looked to make sure no one was coming
because this would be hot I could tell

She laid me on the table
kissed up and down my neck
I rolled her over
so I was on top of my lover
I stood proud like a soldier

After the first ******
I kissed her and said you ride next
she bounced on me so hard
I felt more and more of her soft heated flesh

So after our day in the guitar store was done
she held onto my tool like a loaded gun
she said this belongs to only one
woman on this earth
me and you better always be ready to fill me with your girth

;)

I like being by myself
There are times when I require no help,
But when it comes to trying to find someone to share life's wealth
I keep being shot down, like a ninja that ***** at stealth.

The only girls that have stood by my side and lived with my crazy hide
Are my headphones and guitars because they never judge or deride,

My guitars cry, scream, laugh, yell, and talk for me when I don't have any words
My headphones give me insight on this crazy *** world we live with.

So maybe I'm not perfect, maybe I'm a big music nerd
Maybe the notes played by an artist show me more love than an extra drunk dove

Maybe I had the perfect girl right beside me the whole time
Or rather in my pocket, whichever you find.

But while my spirit is filed to bursting my heart and flesh grow grey and bleak
Now I know what they mean when the spirit is willing but the flesh weak

I've never known the kiss of soft lips, a warm heart beating in sync with mine,
I'd give anything to experience this, that elusive feeling so divine.
It doesn't help that the majority of my friends know this to well, what is it? What can I never seem to find?

You've felt it haven't you?
That stabbing feeling
Right to the chest that seems like it has
Absolutely no chance of healing
I know, getting told No is a part of life
But hear it too often and it'll dig into your confidence
Like butter bowing down before
A hot steel knife

I'm already rather socially awkward already, so getting shot down makes a bit of painful sense
But I'd trade more than a few dollars to get out of my shell, i mean what the hell it's like trying to appease Mike Pence,
But then if someone does take interest, in me I'm like a falling stock in a market you can't trust easily, because I'm like a puppy that's been kicked repeatedly trying to find a sense of self, and learn how to once again love someone else


Is it ever going to happen for this pathetic whelp?

So you really want to know
Why chivalry died?
Well the truth hurts dear reader
But to explain I deal shall try

Chivalry died because of a lack of appreciation from both sides
Of the spectrum it's like seeing a reflection of stupidity in thine eyes

Ladies it died because we failed to train up gentlemen, and the ones that very rarely are usually end up being simply friends,
Fellas we killed it to by not training up our sons
More often now the golden rule is look out for number one

So chivalry died a slow painful death,
From neglect from both sides,
Will it ever return again
I don't know when really... But I hope we try

this is the tale of my good friend Hugh
who was once so ***** he didn't know what to do
he tried watching videos on dubious websites
but even that couldn't satisfy his ****** appetite.

So one day he was pondering what he should try
to get rid of this libido he was creating the poor guy
So he picked up a phonebook and dialed a number
"I hate to do this, but I have to put this problem under!"

35 minutes later he started to simmer and stew
until there was a knock at the door, and up jumped Hugh
There at the door was a curvaceous female
he could barely speak he just started to stare

In she walked and off came her clothes
she was wearing nothing, but she looked hotter than melted gold
He immediately jumped in and they made sweet love
so loud the screams were heard by doves

So remember folks if your like Hugh
and so ***** you don't know what to do
just take a peek at the classified section
and you can absolve your Hugh G Rection

there once was a mystic
known worldwide
who delighted in the blood and pain
and suffering brought mirth to his eyes

heartbreak gave him searing excitement
stress gave him nothing but smiles
he'd rather watch an be rortured by an iron maiden
than watch someone smile for a moment

yes he was sickening, deplorable even
but yet he resides in everyone breathin
wait... what? There's a twisted mystic in all of us,
yes, he lives and breathes in all beings

he arises when the lust for revenge overcomes our common sense

I'm uninspired
unmotivated
ungrateful
and understated
at least that's what most people say,

I choose now to stop living and loving by all the Uns
that everybody tries to throw my way.

From now on I'm no longer an UN or a statistic,
and though you may find what's on my mind twisted
and you may say what I write is sadistic
I'm moving on from an un now I'm moving in
to where I should of been going, from beginning to end

You know if I had those comic book X ray eyes
I'd probably wish that I was blind
Because, you see a lot of people are in disguise
They walk Normal, healthy, and obviously alive
But inside there's no vigor, no spark, no life
Translation they, Including myself at times
Are like the Walking dead, alive but dead inside

So how do we cure this outrageous infection
and stop this plague during the height of its insurrection
the answer is simple, reach out, extend the olive branches attempt to forge those connections
Or the walking dead will continue to walk and assail us with no protection

I guess that's the way
You didn't want me to stay
The way love goes
I don't wanna play

I guess that's why
So many write thoughts while they cry
I guess that's the way love seems to fly
You left me yes, but maybe one day I'll see another side

For some reason honey
I'm reminded of a song
A song I hummed
as with my mouth I slid down your thong

Something about the weather outside
guided my mouth in between your luscious thighs
and though the snow shovels and returns just as quick
That song won't leave my head
as I gently nibble and **** on your ****

We won't be able to go anywhere
nowhere at all
that was evident to me
as I thrusted as deep as my *****

But since we're trapped indoors
I'll kiss on your neck as we make love like ******
our burning flesh could melt the cruel snow and ice

let it snow let it snow... now that'll be in my head all night ;)

Why is it that reheated fries are so disappointing
Why is it that everybody I like lives so far from my home, *****?

Why do the good die young, why are the evil immortalized
Why does the sun go down, because I can't sleep at night

Why is it that if a bunch of people like something, it's automatically overrated
Why is it that common sense is so rare, but stupidity is hotly debated

The world has no place for us
The creative, the introverted, it only accepts the best as that is its crutch
To depend on humanity's strange idea of perfection
Day in and day out, through both peace and times of insurrection
The awkward ones, the deep thinkers and the people that go by logic as well as the spirit
That speak their own truth onto the world until someone wises up and hears it.
The world has no place for you or me
To be an outsider, an outlandish freak seems to be our destiny.

The world has no place.... so we should do what we do best.... create.

This is the reason
we haven't changed seasons
we're feeling the wrath of
the raging demon
he goes from country to country
region to region
changing the weather,
from Sun to snow
from warmth to cold
I don't know what will
cure his ill
but I do know
we aren't of the same ilk
I tried to reason
with this insatiable demon
he said when mankind learns
to restore what he has burned
then he will take leave of us
until then, he'll tease and torture
until we bust

They've got it made
For the winners in this world
The less fortunate souls
Have to play the role
of the tragedy known as Deacon Blues
and yes I know that's a reference to a song
But like the Crimson tide, this poem shall roll on
The haves truly have, and the knots are tired by the Chains of lack and want
But you might say "if you want to be better than work harder. "
"Why are you so irresponsible with your money ,how will you feed your daughter?"

I don't even have kids and I know the feeling of desperation all too well
It's like burning constantly reheated hell
Why? Why? Why do I reek of failures distinct smell?
I'm a good person, or at least I try to be
But.
.

..

Why am I fated to lose?

Now I've been sitting on this piece for a bit of time
Because sometimes it's hard to organize exactly what's crossed your mind
But that's fine because good rhymes take time to piece together like rays of sunshine
And I find that in my mind thickness is simply divine
Those stretch marks that you hide are tiger stripes in my eyes
Those jiggling thighs, made of thunder that could split the skies are visions of perfection that are simply sublime
Your belly that you think is what drives them away is more than enough to make anyone stay...

What do you do
If you're just alone
And you're reminded constantly
Of the love you can't have, or hope
To control
You become the third wheel
An unnecessary addition to a plan
And you build up walls
That no one will bring down
The smile leaves your face
Like its training for a race
And where it was resides a scowl.

You cry where no one can see
Inside your soul as your heart continues slowly breaking
And your mind keeps on baking
You wonder "what am i supposed to be doing?"
"Why am i riding these coattails, to what is life grooming me for?"

You become third wheel
An unneeded piece, or a living disease...

This close to giving up on what could be because it feels like I'm burying myself at wounded knee
You see I've liked and lived and galen in love
But to try to pursue someone and the feeling not being reciprocating is exhausting
Sorry I like you I guess it's my fault for your name causing dopamine release in my brain
You drive me insane but I keep running back to you
You can see through me but you can't see what I'd attack for you

So I'm this close to giving up
But something keeps telling me to be patient
Well doctor, I'm already under anesthesia
So cut me open, I'm very complacent

Sometimes I sit back
on my bed with an RHCP track
playing blocking out the world
then the voices kick in
"Why aren't you looking for someone?"
"Do you want to be alone forever or do you think that's a wise endeavor?"
I respond back that my confidence is gone out behind the shack stabbed in the back with a macabre machete the size of a horses ***.
that every time I get comfortable with someone now I flinch, waiting for my heart to get stomped out or chipped away
that's why I said for the time being alone I'll stay.

My head and my heart seem out of sync I think it's clear that I'm trying to focus on myself and trying to accumulate both mental and financial wealth and improving my physical health but my heart sees none of this it just wants to be cuddled and mollified and it's mortifying to me to fight this internal war constantly because I want to be free from my feelings and my past because every time I say they're gone they keep roaring back