Guilt is a massive hurricane,
Wrecking havoc like a tornado.
Stealing your emotions, leaving you blank like a wall.
Screeching in you ears,
And clawing at your soul.
Smothering forgiveness in the flames of hatred for yourself.
Attacking your will to live.
Leaving you like a whimpering baby seal.
Or screaming like a baby craving human touch.
Until all hope is lost and

You're looking up, drowning in a sea of pity, and helplessness.

Screaming from the top of your lungs on the ledge:
**"I'm Sorry!!"

I know how I’m going to die.
Trapped inside of my mind with no room to stretch
and no oxygen to breathe,
surly my own thoughts will suffocate me long before
I turn to stone from my rigid posture.

I’ve always wondered what I was meant to be
and if I will ever be able be that..
To attempt to accomplish everything I’ve laid out for myself
is terrifying, especially when
those I loved the hardest
already have a mold ready for me.

as if this was a twisted tale of Cinderella,
I was forced to wear something that could never fit me.
Blisters and bruises weren’t the only things I received.
now I hide inside of my mind,
a body inside of a body,
because how can he hurt me if
the real me is hidden ?

‘I don’t know’.
That isn’t an excuse. That’s not the easy way out.
I genuinely do not know the answer to the question you’re asking.
Oh you’re frustrated?
Imagine how I feel!!
You just asked that question.
I have been asking that question my entire life.
“Why can’t you just..?”
I
             DON’T
                                   KNOW !
I want to scream,
to cry,
to be heard in some way !!
and not because I need the attention but because I genuinely have something to say..
Something worth hearing..
I’m scared of what’s in my mind.
I’m scared that I’m running out of time.
I’m scared to be alone because I don’t trust myself.
Not around scissors.
Not around pills.
Not around myself.
Do you know how that feels?
Do you know how it feels
to not trust yourself
around yourself?
I am at war.
   My mind
        vs
       Me
with my heart as a witness,
my soul as the prize
and my body, the battlefield.
I wonder..
Will I be a causality?

Pathetic.
That’s what I’d call you.
Just plain miserable
and manipulative.
You tricked me into giving you the world .
Deceived me into believing that you’d never do me *****
You blinded me by your lies
“Forget about them , you have me.”
But , I didn’t really have you ..
Did I ?
You took what you wanted .
You let me put you before myself .
But ?
I don’t even blame you .
Maybe if I would’ve been in your position ,
Being offered the world
And only being asked for friendship in return ..
Maybe then I would’ve robbed you of your trust .
And your love .

You were my best friend .
My ace ,
My platonic soulmate .
And I treated you as much .
But, what was I ?
To you ,
What was I ?
A personal tutor ?
Remember those last two essays that you just couldn’t get done ?
Who helped you ?
Who stayed up after an exhausting day at work ,
After having to bike home in the cold and rain ?
Just so you could pass and not worry.
Maybe , I was just a free ride .
Always taking you places ,
Always giving you the keys and letting you do whatever.
You filled the tank maybe twice
within a nine month period .
And I never once said anything .
Oh I got it , I was your ATM.
Whenever you needed money ,
I was glad to help .
Whether it was for an Uber so you could go to your volleyball tournament
Since your own “mother” couldn’t take you
Or whether it was for a Plan B because
YIKES
Your boyfriend didn’t know how to pull out .
Hm , I guess I was also a personal shopper .
Buying you clothes when I bought me some .
You didn’t wanna spend your money ?
That was fine .
I would spend mine
And you didn’t even have to ask.
I was everything except your friend
and that’s all I wanted to be .

I should’ve seen this coming .
I should have KNOWN .
Looking back
All I can see are the signs ,
Foreshadowing what was to come .
You started to change right in front of my own eyes
but I didn’t want to believe it .
Didn’t want to believe what I could clearly see .
You started to ignore me .
For days on end .
Living in the same house became something like a
Silent war .
Everyone against me .
Including you .
You started to disappear into your room .
There were no more lifetime movie marathons together .
No more staying up and goofing around together .
No more talking about any and everything together .
I lost you way before I knew I lost you
and that makes my heart ache
like a pre-existing bruise
getting hit over and over again .

Tell me.
So, is this how it’s going to be?
How it will always be?
Me busting my back trying to make you proud,
And you not even noticing or caring to notice?
 
Is this how I will always feel?
Like I’m not good enough
Like I’ll never be good enough.
No matter how hard I try?
 
Elaborate.
Please open my eyes to your understanding of how I should be treated.
Let me into your mind.
Share your daily thoughts.
Whatever goes through your head when you see me.
 
What am I doing so wrong?
Why won’t you love me?
Or treat me like your own?

I wish I could just make myself into the person you want me to be.
Even though for some reason you keep telling me to be myself.
What if you don’t like her?
What if I don’t like her?
Because the person I’ve known to be me,
I don’t like.
I don’t like how she looks.
I don’t like how she talks.
But, no one hears that.
It’s all in my mind.
If I want change, why don’t I change?
These days it really feels as though I am truly going insane.

Your face seems to be all I see
whenever I close my eyes.

why does he haunt me?
a ghost of love we never truly had,
how could I miss it?
You?
..him?

Memories flash through my head
like daggers to the chest.
Wounding me seemed to be the target
before our first encounter.
To gaze, unbothered,
at something so innocent
while envisioning
how to bring me to my knees.

did I love you? or did I love the idea
of you loving me?
I’ll never truly know
because you are a ghost
of my past.

and ghosts don’t answer questions.

Give me your hand,
Lemme guide you into my twisted mind.
Lend me your ears,
Lemme scream to you my pain.
Provide me your eyes,
Lemme show you the darkness.
Sell me your trust,
and I'll give you mine.
Grant me the gift of forgiveness,
Lemme forgive myself.
Give me the strength to survive,
The will to carry on,
and the heart to care.
**As I pray to a God I may or may not believe in.

What is this life?
Please, tell me what it is.
They tell me to believe,
but I don't know how.
How do I believe?
In what, shall I believe?
In myself?
What a joke.
Because to be honest,
I am a failure, who can't do anything right.
Which is what they say, anyway.
But, it's okay.
Because I'll get myself right one day.
*One day soon.
Sooner than you think.

As much as I hate to say:
Beautiful People
End Up
With Beautiful People.
Which means,
I'm out of luck.

My head hurts.
Bad.
A product of overthinking, I would imagine.
And anxiety.
I can never be happy.
Not fully anyways.
Everything has its expiration date.
Even happiness.
Especially happiness.
But, I just don't understand what makes me different.
Different?
Different.
Why must I go through these things?
Why must I feel this pain?
This headache?
This feeling?
What did I do?
I lived.
I lived and my sister died and that's the honest truth.
But, why?
Why have I been chosen to live a...
Wait.
Not "chosen". But, forced.
Why have I been forced to live a life I do not want?
A life I do not deserve?
And that's the million dollar question.

Sadness
and regret is
overwhelming me.
luck,
left me down bad.
happiness,
deserted me as a child.
and depression?
it never left me.

but my mother did.

and I wonder why.

could it have been me?
maybe it has always been me.
stuck in a cycle of negativity,
I bring the clouds
and the thunderstorm follows.
When it rains,
it truly pours
and when I cry
my body begs for more.

I am addicted to the pain
that lives in my chest.
The one that has padded
And patted around.
Kneaded and kneaded,
this pain has made itself at home
and has become deaf to my pleading.
So as silence consumes me,
I wonder..
How long will life toy with me?
and when will death take its turn?

will the people around me ever learn?

I'm Bi.*
So What?

Locked in a room.
No windows,
No doors,
No lights,
No escape.
Just darknees. Black EVERYWHERE.
Walls...
Why are there so many walls?!
Of words.
In a language I don't recognize.
I'm stuck in a room..
Stuck in a language I do not know.

I'm not sure
If I can start again.
I'm not sure
I feel like livin.
I'm not sure
About this feeling
But I am sure
Of being sure

do you believe in haunted dreams?
not nightmares
but haunted dreams..
because I do.
and that’s because you haunt mine.
every moment of them.

and you haunt my reality.
every waking second is filled with the need to reminisce.
even when I run your scent just seems to follow.
to escape into any type of solitude would grant my unspoken wish.

so I sleep.

but even then my dreams are tinted with
the feeling of nostalgia.
yet it is not from anything I can recall..
to be missing something I never had at all
is a special kind of hell.
you’ve tainted my dreams
as though you’ve put me under a spell.
and it’s weakened me.
leaving me
screaming upon deaf ears
I wonder if my voice will make it out of this fog
you’ve brought.

everything is clouded with
the abyss of you.

you’ve tinted my dreams
in the color
of you.
drugged me and got me hooked.
now if my dreams aren’t tinted with you,
they’re nothing
but bare black walls.

The World Is Filled With Chaos.
Or Rather People Who Create It.
Filling The World With Their Lies,
And Pointless Sayings.
Breaking Hearts,
And Starting Wars.
On And Off The Battlefield
Until Our Body Is Broken,
And Our Soul Is Bruised.
When Will We Realize That All Wars Are Not Worth Fighting?
Sometimes It Is Better To Give Up
When The Person You're Trying To Save
Doesn't Want To Be Saved.
So Instead You Try To Save Yourself
From The World Of Dark Thoughts
But That Places You Right At The Beginning.
Again.
And No Matter How Much You Try To Change It,
You Are Stuck In The Cycle Of Life.