I just need to atone
for how I’ve let myself grow

for how I’ve lived my life
through the course of
the sanity to insanity
the struggle to maintain
the guidance to confidence
the lack thereof...

these are the things that keep me up at night.

life smears ache quick
though lusciously repulsive
the storm lathers you bitter
with a thousand tiny licks
of mad honey worship

they say showing your true self can be scary
and that people like to avoid it
like bugs crawling under your skin
sinking their teeth from within

theres no way to escape the mites
that pump you full of frights
they linger and quiver
until you're stuck wondering
why you're getting thinner.

he got suspended this week
trying to act on his wishes
i just thought you were speaking
abnormally
but then you were peaking
no time for thinking.

as a child
we realized the world could be conquered
longing for the wild
and searching for the sign
that will make it all better

searching for a sweater
to cover all the chatter

theme music bumping
not a care to be trumping

life erupting
anxiety inhaling
nervous thoughts prevailing

you've really grown up.

all we are is dust in the wind
the sin to take your mind for a spin
the evil that lurks from within
asking you to please try again
maybe this time itll bring you kin.

i anticipate darkness
my actions seem thoughtless

but really
it's a rally of good vs evil,
what feelings will conquer
and what ones will shrivel?

i crave adrenaline
never feeling enough is enough.
trapped in a cycle
too blissful to dismiss,
eventually invoke the abyss.

energy swarming my fingertips,
unsure of where to exchange the flow
fiending for the delicate aroma of rose hips.

tummy aches
earth quakes
make my body numb
and twist my thumb

i cant say
i dont want to play
but love took a toll
and now i just wanna roll
into a dark place
i can mark with grace
no personal space
to finish the race

heart aches
in a fluctuating pace
deepens the hollow pit
growing to fit
perfect

destroy your own psyche
so you only have yourself to blame

dont let others tap into your heart
it'll only make the pain start.

spray the salt amongst the tension
let it fester without getting any rest in

wounds meant to decay over time
waiting to show again during your prime

no need for a dime
you must have ran out of time
cause everyone out here is looking for a fine

learning to be
aware of how to hold
my physical being
creeping into the christening
resistant fingers and toes
curled inward in fear
driven by woes

sometimes it seems too easy
slurping into a man who pleases me
makes me feel queasy
but all he does is tease me

head bound with desire to pop
end it all or show everyone
what they're missing out


the feeling of perpetuality
bubbling until I cease to have the strength to
pull myself out of the hole again

existentialism
clawing
with relentless intent
to handicap my well being

it asks me what for
why wouldnt you just show yourself the door
and let it all unfurl

no no no
you must wait for the great
when you focus
you chose this
you know what has to be done




if you force yourself to do something enough eventually you'll start doing it

I'm slinkin out,
puttin a future behind.
My thoughts are in a scatter
How can i decipher all this chatter?

I just wanna float by in a haze
Leave my mind in hope for some sort of praise,
One moment of peace.

I can't take the accusations
I may seem lost but it's all in the creation

Boozed up, no judgement to spare
Wouldn't have even bothered on a dare
Am I the only scumbag?
Nah, you're all ****** in the head too.

I let the shell crumble
Gave into the demon.
No ***** left to give,
I'm in this alone.
My mind knows its truth,
My heart ignores its signs.

Make me smile and maybe my
Legs spread, knees bend.
Seek your truth,
Have you found mine?

pull it high over my head
and tell it to begin.
I’d rather be trapped
in the raptures
safety net,
filled with feelings of regret
and substances I didn't neglect.

the psalms of the wicked
dare me to thicken
to drench my soul in the quarells below
but i wont quake
i wont shake
for it is not my sanity to take.

I know I can have some fun without
waking up the sheep

without turning my soul
into that of a drone

just trust your close friends
and only them.

Keep others on good terms
but dont worry about sifting through their worms.

All you need is a close few
and an animal to take your chew

so lest get real loud
lets get ****** and proud
swaying from the constriction
of the justice so fiction

we'll drive some folks wild
cause not everyone likes us
but thats the lesson of a child
you can always choose who you
entrust with your trust.

straight for a moment
winding again
aching for atonement
a silence of zen

can you understand me?

if you die in your dreams
you die in real life too

i never thought I'd be in the morgue
free of college loans
free of troubled relationships
free of daily struggle

you could at least take my clothes off
as i gorge my body in eternal slumber
let my life energy dissolve
and slip through the casket cracks

my sparkles of matter
seek a fresh host
most compatible
with my reincarnation

they flicker in nothingness
to suppress the inevitable
afraid to begin life renewed

my cells linger in shame
alone in the void of will
free of responsibility
free of choices
baptised in pure utopia

but they know their true purpose
unpermitted to resist
if a decision cannot be made
one will be made for them

do they accept the ease
allow the decision to be made
and alleviate anxieties

or do they determine the best host
for their misfortune

the lumberjack handles his axe
delicately
rolling it over in his fingers
like a gambler itching to make the bet
adrenaline saturating his sweat.

the anticipation lingers
until
a slight trace of malevolency
breaks free from his tips
parched for a place
to quench his needs
where no one succeeds.

the desire for release
achieved in complete ease
a snap!
and all your woes fade away
as your sanity dismantles into decay.

derived from the ever close disease
that sulks temptingly
behind the coziest fleece
that couldnt be banished
by even the sludgiest grease.

life would be better off
without its persistance
tugging at his cloth.


everyday shows a new way.

be smart about how you want to play.

delicious sweet
never out grow

real fruit my ***
polluted to last
guaranteed to satisfy
no need to testify
give into the ease
greased into disease

release
the peace
summon reprieve

i live to
never be crossed
though that outcome
seems to always be lost
auto piloted
selfless delirium

it always felt like
we were home
drenched in intemperance
remedy found in acceptance
regardless of the pretense

you asked me three different times
guided by shared pines
blind enough to see between the lines

now that my life has no meaning
i felt nothing

you don’t have to say I’m sorry
but maybe just rip
the hatchet tip
out of my ******* knee
and tell me it was never meant to be.

im halfway between wanting to die
and wanting to drink more beer

which is the worse to fear?

something that will leave you dry
or something that will make you fly