I remember
When my arms were sliced for a summer,
The summer I was sad
When I cried myself to sleep every single night
When I was a child, but felt like a failure
Yet you never knew because I smiled
I never stopped smiling for you to have your precious mirage
When you finally found out about my arms
You didn't help me, you only took my blade away and forgot where you put it
This is my pain not yours
MY PAIN
So don't you ever act like the victim.

I feel so ugly
I avoid mirrors and
Distract myself with 'responsibilities'
In hopes that maybe I won't remember
What I look like for one day

I feel so ugly
I'd rather play with my dog than be 'out there'
He'll never have a look in his eyes
Or word in his mouth
Laced with judgment
Or honesty

I feel so ugly
I stare at old pictures
And cry
Because I always thought I wasn't
Beautiful
Even when I was

I feel so ugly
I reject their love
When I remember I'm in this body
I remind myself
That they are all probably lying

I feel so ugly
When I speak,
I surprise myself
Because hearing my voice
Reminds me
Of this body
That is
oh so ugly.

shifty bones under skin,
wires rubbing against it
blood pumping, flowing,
eyes heavy and weak
mind sending hormones
to send electric messages
all blurring together to
form uncomfortable existence

Keep it to yourself,
Under pressure I will break
Off of balance,
Off my game.
Disappointing,
Disappoint
Expect nothing
Expect nothing.

Wanting to scream
But nobody heard
I lived in darkness yet feared being alone

I couldn’t speak
Of the voices I heard
The ones that gave me the blade and told me to, “Get to work”

But honestly, most of it’s on me,
I never wanted them to look

I said things I didn’t really mean,
But depends on what you took

I was unable
To cope with the

Situation

I was unstable

I want someone to hold my hands
Warm my soul like a flame
I miss your face, skin, warmth
Get me excited for life
Or just get me out of bed
I’m tired of blue light and bright screens
Foggy eyes and groggy thoughts
I want to see the Sun
And your smile
Let me reach out and touch you
Touch
Breathe
Maybe when August comes we’ll be better
We’ll make it there together

It’s in the silence
And between the laughs.
It’s right before bed
And when you’re waiting somewhere.
When you’re tired, hungry, or bored...
It creeps into the
Minutes,
Seconds,
Moments...
That you’re not distracted.
And most of all,
It comes when you’re alone.
(It’s right here.)

My head is turning
Everyone’s asleep right now
My thoughts are churning
No one really cares, mind you
My brain is shaking
Trembles though my feet,
My dear
And nobody would ever even know you’re here

as a child,
i didn't know
i was lonely
but now,
as a woman
sitting in a
quiet room,
i am reminded of
all the monsters
my mind created
to distract me
when i was
all alone

You should be on this side of the city,
On this side of town
Instead of away from me...
I want your arms around me
I want to hold your hand
Interlocking fingers
Touching
Hugging
Loving
But you’re in the wrong side of town

Don’t try to blame it on an anxious mind
You’re doing so good, honey.
Yes, you’re doing fine.
And for the first time in a long, long time you’re mine.