Expectations can be vicious things
Casting a mirage, making things appear sugary sweet
Playing tricks on your mind and luring you in
You're envisioning your perfect fantasy
Taking that fateful step towards uncertainty
Head high and heart full of blissful unrealistic expectations
You find yourself stumbling in upon...

Nothing
But emptiness
And your shattered dreams

You've got me thinking I must be dying
Because with you I see the light
And I am constantly tripping on euphoric delight
Every moment and kiss, has got me addicted to this….
Love we fell into, this wonderful bliss

I promise you sweetheart, my undying affection
Which has grown only stronger from our first interaction
That instant connection which was pure perfection
How I lived without you, is beyond my comprehension

Without you I was lost, but with you I am whole
And darling, I love you, with all my heart and my soul

"And how does that make you feel" she asks, pen poised over clipboard.
I want to scream at her, tell her that mere words could never hold the weight of what I feel
But instead I stare fiercely into her eyes and say...
"how does it make you feel, to know you can't save me?"

'"Why girls who have close relationships with their father, make better wives"
"Why girls with 'daddy issues' are too complicated"
Enough I say, just because my father didn't decide to be in my life,        
Doesn't mean I am less of a person or would make a bad wife
My absent father does not affect the way I love
If anything it's taught me, to hold my head high and stand up

If you label me with 'daddy issues' I could only feel pride,
For every shattered disappointment I felt and for every tear I cried
For the days spent wishing and the night spent alone,
I realized I did not need a man, to build my backbone

Funny how absence can work in my favor
I am now stronger than ever, my own gleaming savior
So for boys who can't handle these women so strong
Stop trying to label us problematic and make us seem 'wrong'

Hello stranger,
Let me introduce myself, I am the person who may be oceans away,
Or I could be closer than you think...
You deserve wonderful things, so here I am, sending love and light to you!
May your dreams be fulfilled, your smile shining and your day beautiful <3

I wish I could get my hands on you cancer,
Punch you once for all the pain you cause
Once, for the people you've ripped apart
Once, for the broken hearts left in your wake
Once, for the teardrops all cried in your name
Once, for all the things you take,
Like hope... happiness... sanity
Once, for the way you enjoy weaving yourself around peoples bodies
Making yourself at home... even though you were only meant to be a temporary guest
Who should have left once the chemotherapy started to work... or the radiotherapy kicked in
But it didn't did it?
And so I will hurt you until you are a painful mess...
And then cancer, I will strangle you....
Just like you do to others

Shaking hands reveal the truth
I should have seen it, when my eyes brimmed with tears as I confessed my love for you,  
And with eyes downcast you whispered 'I love you too' but your hands shivered
I should have looked deeper
When my friend sighed 'everything is okay"
But with those forced words, came hands that shaked
I should have realized when I told myself 'I'm getting better' and an earthquake passed through my fingertips
I now know, to look past the deception and seek the truth your hands will show

Don't mistake me for gentle, i'll hurt you if you hurt me
And the pain that I long ago buried will come back with such force and velocity, you will regret ever crossing me.

But don't think i'm heartless, I will caress you softly easing your worries, letting your burden become my responsibility if you allow that of me.

I am ying and yang, a balance between dark and light and will use both to my full capability.

It's beautiful isn't it
The literacy of other people
When you read it and you feel it
Every moment
Those words rolling off lips
You feel their pain, their love
It is stunning, I am addicted to your poetry
Giving me emotions, my heart beats in time with every stunning syllable
And now I can't get enough
Write more, I need it
It can just be our secret
That I am alive from your poetry
Keeping my heart beating

Then I was thinking about you and how you paint my life every colour imaginable,
that you make me feel like the moment when you're running and its effortless and you swear if you ran a little faster you could fly,
you make me smile like suddenly there is a sky of fireflies and their glow is lighting up the whole word,
you make me ache when I am not with you, feel whole when I am and I know that each snowflake is different but you are a snowflake all of your own, not pale or white, you glow and I know when you look at me everything is on show, like suddenly I am a personal library for your viewing only and you are reading every book I have ever owned... and that... well it's terrifying

He held a shaking gun towards me
And I laughed maniacally
Silly lover, don't you see?
You have already burned holes within me, Done much more damage internally
Than that silly gun could ever do

Once upon a life too short, I stumbled upon an interesting sort...      
These fragile people, too broken to cope, that sought council and guidence and a thing known as hope
While some found religion which gave out great strength, others found partners who they've loved ever since
But some, they're still searching and I guess so am I, for one thing that will guide me till the day that I die
So I say this to those who are still searching too, I hope you find something that brings hope to you

Hello mum,
Can you hear me?
Time cannot heal the wounds created by your death,
Every time I feel familiar with this ache inside of me, isolation claws at my chest and square one greets me again,
The nightmares constantly visit me, in them I see you suffer, then wake to cry tears I wish you could wipe away,
You were wrong, I cannot cope, I am not okay...

They promised, my dear you cannot trust anyone
For this world is selfish, surely you know,
It is filled with evil lurking,
That feasts upon your skin and bones

Stay away from all the darkness,
For the monsters show no fear,
They will laugh at all your failures
And whisper nightmares in your ears

But a saviour came striding through the darkness,
Though I had become the monsters prey
He showed me light and love and freedom
And with him I ran away

He gives me company when I am lonely
He reads to me when I am blue
Holds me close when I am crying
Does all he can to bring me through

He shows me sunshine on the dark days
Holds my hand when I show fear
Gives me his everlasting patience
And provides a listening ear

He builds me up when I falter
Makes me strong when I feel weak
Gives me hope when I feel hopeless
And says he loves that I'm unique

He is the one I wish to be with
For every day yet to be
For he is my soulmate, my true love
And this is our destiny

"Go see someone to deal with your problems" the doctor says
Oh, I didn't realize seeing someone could provide stitches to my wounds
That my bleeding heart will heal at the sound of their wisdom
That my inner demons will be reassured by thier pen to paper
Thank goodness all I have to do is wake up and 'deal with it'

Sickly sliding slimy claws around your heart
Your breath comes in desperate pants hot and fast
You hope this panic will end, but know you cannot last
For anxiety is desperate to become your soul companion

Death,
is not distressingly beautiful
it is cruel and tiresome
there is no peace in the act of dying
there is only pained loved ones
who tire of wishing for your release

He is an image of illness,
Feeding tube through his nose,
An IV his constant companion,
Every procedure altering his personality
His fragility terrifying, ghosts would envy his pasty complexion
His cells mutating, he is frustrated,
And I stand and watch...
And wish I could save him

Let me tell you something about life,
It is too short
Too short to think about yourself as anything less than amazing
Too short to sit back when you get afraid to leap into the unknown
Too short to beat yourself up about mistakes
It is too short
So get out there and live each moment

I laid broken pieces of myself, in front of him,
Deciding to dance into the unknown, go out on a limb,
Expecting a scowl, or vile laughter,
I braced myself, for the foreboding disaster

Yet angelically he stood, with patience to share,
With my heart in his hands, he was truly aware,
Deciding to heal me, he reached for my soul,
Healing the pain, I had hidden from all

Anxiety whispers in my ear,
I tell it to go away, not right now, I don't have time
Please... just go for now and come back later

But those words made it scared, scared we aren't so close anymore
It trembled at the thought, I may not want it
Hurt by the fact, I have little time to spare

Its anxiety gave me anxiety,
I feel like the queen of nausea
When I open my mouth, I don't know what could come out
I shake, get dizzy, cry, scream
Anxiety what have you done to me,
Please, I love you, remember?
We are going to be best friends, for now...
And well... forever

She falters
You stumble
She whispers
You rumble
Under covers they tumble
Attempting to repair love with false pretenses and broken promises

He stays, I push, a game of give and take,
This love tests his every instinct
To run from trouble,
Yet he stays

Standing tall, my insecurities and anxieties fear him
He loves me through it all
And I try explain to him how much it means,
But how can I find the right words to thank
The only one who didn't fear this side of me

I will admit, I am shocked how quickly true love can turn toxic,
morphing into a poison that runs through our blood stream making us scream and bicker
and so the love we once felt is reduced to a flicker.
Toxins replacing our delicate words that once held such warmth,
with ones intended to hurt and bring each other to war,
till the point we are dodging our shattered love on the floor,
and grow eager for self victory though there is no award.
So tell me this dear,
is any of our toxic love, true anymore?

please see
my feet are heavy and dragging
my heart is bitter, unwilling
my hopes crushed and scattered
while my body lays broken and battered
my breath is strained and wheezing
each step taken unforgiving and teasing
so giving up seems alluring and tempting
because this pain just seems unrelenting
but I was told perseverance is key
so i'll keep going, but I disagree

When I was younger, dreams of you haunted me with sickening fire and brutality,
I would wake up with tear streaked cheeks just begging the air that you would visit me
When I grew older, the dreams lessened and a strong ache grew in my chest,
allowing me to breathe less and less until the point where I suffocated with longing for you
And now I am here and instead of a burning ache I get outbursts of fierce intensity, bringing me to the edge of my sanity leaving me weak and broken
So tell me, did it hurt you to be apart from me or was I the only one counting the days

Rapid heart, beating fast, dips and dives within delight
Post you - sunshine rays, my days overflow with promise and pleasure
A cup half full? Was I a fool, to believe this life would limit what it grants me?
That life would cast me aside, once I find, I desire more?
Now with you, I clearly see, society's aim to tame, their need to divide this rising tide, to give us tunnel vision, to spread belief of this allowance, of only half a cup of happy
With you it's waterfalls of euphoria, society I reject your cup!
Instead I shall bathe within the depths of us and swim within this lagoon of love
To me, this could never be, just a cup half full

For every heartbeat I have left in my body,
I will love you
For every syllable that passes through my lips, I promise you this
I will love you
For every stutter when you leave me speechless,
Every daydream that conjures endless possibilities
For every touch and kiss
I promise you this
I will love you
For every moment shared, every love filled stare, baby I swear
I love you

Staggering down a moonlit road, searching for the end to constant flashbacks,
I'm turning into a trembling mess of memories
Just looking desperately for the golden happiness evading me
My mind toys with our reality and a nightmare filled mayhem
I'm slipping from sanity, I'm begging, take me back when....
Everything was simple

These scars upon me, are part of a story, about the time I danced with death,
I took his outstretched hand and he swore to take away my breath
With brilliant twisted tempo, his feet moved in time with mine,
Against his body, he smelt like sweet poison and whispered "my dear you are divine"
He vowed to give me purpose, promised he wouldn't leave my side, people will remember he laughed "the girl I took as mine"
"Do not blame yourself" he soothed "your heart was far too weak"
I will give you a beautiful end and grant the release you seek
My mind grew very weary but my heart would fight once more
I said "I cannot let you win dear death, it's time to end this war"
Through battles I escaped him, these scars my living proof
He still craves the life I promised him and vows to one day be my noose
So as you look upon my scars, it is not shame I feel
But pride that though I danced with death, I prevailed and did not yield

It is easy to say,
As you started slipping away from me, towards death
The world began looking far less beautiful
Maybe it was that your inner beauty made my world look artificially brilliant
But without your beautiful existence
My world is purely hopeless

One step closer, to the edge of insanity, towards the uncertainy, I am walking away from the mediocrity and towards who I want to be.
I am taking each breath, in and out slowly, this air is full of people's dreams that never made it, full of passion that has been sedated and the hopes that have become outdated.
See the children who dreamt of the wildest things ended up growing up and with responsibility on one shoulder and pressure on the other and so the life they discover, is not full of the magical dreams they had once yearned for, their younger escapades now unravel and they forget the life that they had once dreamed of, their hopes now expired and cast away.
And so I seek to escape this mundane maze, this game that life seems to have created, I want to crawl through the loophole.

Sin so sickening yet beckoning you closer,
Its twisted tendrils of temptation seeking your destructive desires,
Your purity is worthless and hidious, it seeks your submission to the sinister
Ferociously endeavoring its newest prisoner
Devouring your sanity, it enters your skin
Surrounded by blackness, you start chasing sin

memories flood my mind,
flashbacks of a kind,
from a time where you and i were perfect.
but these snapshots are merely photoshopped
therefore i am accusing nostalgia of being a ***** liar
nostalgia i thought you were my friend,
a hand to take, when memory lane awaited
to take me back to my past tainted with flaws
but you said no more,
you set out to sugarcoat the darkness,
i want it back, the true memories,
that were messy, that were easy to forget
please nostalgia, don't make me remember
these fake memories, you have surely created to please me
and make me ache for those perfect moments

He knows me like a family home,
And in the dark knows where to go,
Can find the switches without sight,
For times he thinks I need the light

Smiling towards the crooked walls,
He admits, it doesn't have it all,
The roof leaks and pipes creek
The foundations, well at best they're weak

He often senses, the electricity I feel
But says faulty wires are no big deal
He loves his home
And his love shall heal

If that doesn't work and power goes out,
He could never stop to scream and shout,
He always finds that switch once more,
To shed the light, like the times before

Within some of us are the story's
Of anxiety, depression, ocd or eating disorders
Judging voices, let me tell you, we do not need your pressure, or the question of 'can't you just make yourself better?'
Or the phrase it's a phase, we don't seek your attention, we are fighting our battles and do not need condescension
There are days, the act of trying creates an inexplicable ache
And our strenth and perseverence seems to crumble and break
We are mental warriors, not perfect, but fighting for the right to feel okay
So though you are trying, keep your comments at bay

Started off normal, for a beautiful girl
She held purity and innocence, which is rare in this world
Couldn't see what was coming, but matured too fast,
This ends in death for a life meant to last

Time will heal they say with vigor
But I have found the truth does differ
For time will not mend the broken hearted
Or fix the lovers who have parted
It will not heal words screamed in spite
Or take back wrongs and make them rights
It doesn't provide you strength if craved
Or make the fearfull, in time brave
With day by day and hour by hour
It does not endeavor to empower
Only to create familiarity with pain
In hope one day it shall not remain

Delicate fingertips grazing skin,
Like soft touch upon wildflower petals,
Holding sunshine within tender palms,
This contact creating blissful flowers,
blooming in lungs once deprived of oxygen,
Your light reaching the dark abyss inside,
Once so desolate now thrives with life

With red eyes and a fading heart she begged the world to notice
With turned backs and ignorant minds they ignored her
So she chose death over existence
And the world fell to its knees

My pathetic body breathes,
As I watch you suffer,
Your pale begging frame  
Tears me in half, like a jagged knife puncturing any possibility of happiness
Love filled words sit within me
But I guess I am too scared to fill the air with my sentimentality

My brother softly told me that he doesn't want to die,
I whispered that I wanted him to live,
Together we cried tears, which were not capable of cleansing our hearts of the pain
In this moment we addressed the elephant filling the room...
Cancer

To my dear poems,
Although you're close to me, I will no longer strive for perfection with you
For I believe the raw emotions and imperfections make you beautiful and I am too in love with your flaws
The scraps of paper with scribbled words
Coffee stained napkins where sudden inspiration hit
Temporary words on palms
And unlike mine, I love your scars
You let my heart speak without a filter and the more perfection I force upon you by replacing words and rewording my pain,
it becomes nothing more than a never ending game,
making me obsessed about your appearance, I end up with useless words that make not a difference.
So instead of giving you hours, I will give you each a piece of myself and I know it will remain safe with you.
From your imperfect writer

You sneer at me, tell me don't get a tattoo,
People will look differently at you
What you haven't considered is that marking my skin like this is the way I'm holding on
Creating something permanent for me in a world so fleeting
It's either this ink on me, or cutting, or death

Take me to the place, where I can breathe again,
Where the pain will fade and the nightmares will end
Take me please, I can't bare anymore
Cause it hurts too much and my hearts too sore
For you were my life
But you're here no more

Lust, the price of you is my sanity
You inspire such dark desire within me
I am enveloped by your luminous fire
So undisciplined and destructive
Have my hands always had this tremor?

Lust, I am chasing a pleasure so sinful and unrefined
Delving into this painful bind
You hold me captivated, injecting me with the addictive need for release
I ache for sheets covered with the sweet scent of unadulterated passion

Lust, see what you have done to me?

They say,
"Oh but you seem happy... could you really have depression"?
I will not wear my depression on the outside, to comfort your disbelief
For it has already destroyed every cell of me internally, it is a happiness thief
Gribbed every inch of my personality and changed me into its idea of miserable beauty

A twisted beast that ricochets off fragile ribs
Tears through these organs, feasts on my energy in exchange for exhaustion
And yet comforts me "let's just stay in bed today, what could the world offer you that I can't provide right here"

You were a delicate cactus flower, that showed the unloved cacti could have beauty
You were the singular floating lotus on a lake, encompassing the strength one must have to keep themselves above water
You were the ray of sun, through the clouds so foreboding, giving hope that warmth could be found in the future
And you were the one that covered me with love, soothed my wounds and proved that within myself I could find my own kind of beauty, strength and warmth if i looked hard enough

Youve nailed that verbal foreplay,
Each I love you said with beautiful honestly leaves me with tingles
And you have my body shivering with the words, you are my everything