It’s selfish of me
Hoping you’ll never get over us
When I perjure myself daily
Claiming I wish the best for you
It’s wrong that
We were never technically “us”
But I’ve already
Seen our life together
Paradoxical that
In this short time
I became disinterested
In the vast sea of options
Wishing, hoping, waiting
You’d come to your senses
And see that your heart
Beats to my same ache

There is something so bright and solid
About a little baby’s foot
How can something so pure and fragile
Possibly be so strong?

Why can something so soft and gentle
Send fear and anguish running
When more rugged hands have found
That hope is surely lost?

Such teeny, tiny toes
Covered by teeny, tiny nails
Have miraculously become
The only thing in this world-

Nothing else exists
The dark has gone away
For the light has come to show me
This little baby’s foot

It’s selfish of me
Hoping you’ll never get over us
When I perjure myself daily
Claiming I wish the best for you
It’s wrong that
We were never technically “us”
But I’ve already
Seen our life together
Paradoxical that
In this short time
I became disinterested
In the vast sea of options
Wishing, hoping, waiting
You’d come to your senses
And see that your heart
Beats to my same ache
I’m sorry that I
Assumed the worst in you
But you assumed
The worst in me
Perhaps that’s why
I’m drinking here alone
While you determine
Your next receptacle  
It would bother me but
I know you
Like you know me
She doesn’t matter
She matters to me
Next in the long line
Of unfulfillment
I wouldn’t do the trick
How unfamiliar will
We become?
How quickly have you
Been able to move one
While I sit here
In anguish
Longing for the touch
And smell of you
Laughing at my desperate words
Unable to stop typing
Or make sense
Of the outcome

Cross legged and blank-faced
I sit and wait
Flowers swaying in the wind
The sun shining in my face
Music and laughter play in my ears
A phonograph for things that I don’t feel

Dancing images all around me
Skirts twirling, feet jumping
I used to jump and twirl
I think
Before I finally sat down
Staring farther than they can see

I just knew
Bombs fall all around me
Earth splaying in clumps
Waiting for someone to find me
I sit and wait
Cross legged and blank faced

So you're sitting in your little corner
Trying to show the world
Without saying a **** thing
Ready to be famous, respected, intellectual
But wholly unwilling to be vulnerable
To lay your soul out, naked
Bare, covered only by black ink
The mirror of all your thoughts

So you're sitting in your little corner
Angry,
Upset because no one tries to love you
But you don't even love you
Because love doesn't last
Doesn't exist
So if love doesn't exist, pure and beautiful,
Then neither can purity or beauty
It's all vanity

So you're sitting in your little corner
So afraid to feel anything at all,
Though the tears pool and never fall,
Hard years bottled and stored
Waiting to be unleashed
An ocean of misery
Won't someone make the voyage?

I'm drowning in a world of self-pity
Save me.

There are bruises on my body
Which is
Exactly
How I like it
I find solace
And comfort
In the purple
Green
And blue
There is triumph
In the knowing
That I can put up
A fight
It’s nice to have
A visual
For why
My insides throb
Even though
The throbbing places
Are nowhere near
The bruises
Even though
The visual
Looks more like
A civil war
Because while
My heart is
Bleeding
And as
My lungs
Collapse
While my brain
Implodes
My skin remains
Untouched
The picture of
Perfection
Except
Of course
Those places
Where you
Can see
A bruise

You came into my life like an IED
Unexpected, unwelcome, and explosive
Not what I pictured
As a little girl
Hoping to get swept off her feet
We were an accident
A happy one, I thought
Two flames come together
To engulf what haunts us
A sideways smile, subtle winks
Subtle hints you found the fire too hot
I suppose the problem with flames
Is they cast a large shadow
And illuminate the unseen
Like the burdens ****** upon you
Or the scars I never manage to hide
I thought this was different
But then our fire ran cold
Not because it was extinguished
No
Because you left my flame
Without the courtesy of a warning
So I sit and wonder
Where it all went wrong
How I misunderstood
Realizing that the IED
Was me
Drowning the comfortable darkness
In a blinding light you
Weren’t prepared to face
But couldn’t bear to lose
So you left
And pretended that you remained
Choosing to brave the dark alone
Declaring that it made you strong
Trading the new fear in
For the old
Because at least you’d trained
For that

You came ‘round when I needed you
For that I owe you much
Your loving words caressed me
When we were much too far to touch

I find comfort in your presence
And solace in your arms
So the last thing I would want to do
Is bring you any harm

But you knew I came with baggage
You knew my sorrow was immense
You knew the risk of loving me-
-In my terrible defense  

Please don’t think I never loved you
Please don’t try to curse my name
Don’t perjure yourself into believing
That I didn’t feel the same

I meant each aching syllable
I meant it to my core
Imagine my dejection finding
We could not be anymore

I promise that it’s harder
To say no to someone’s love
When that someone is the person
That you think so highly of

You jumped in while I was drowning
You wiped away my tears
And a small part of me dies
As I evince your deepest fears

I’m who I am because
You took the time to care for me
You listened and you carried a
Portion of my misery

Please know, while I was dying,
So slowly bleeding out,
You plugged the wound so gently
Washing away my rotting doubt

And though you may feel gutted
At this thought of life apart
I’ll extirpate myself before
I fully break your heart

For a brief and lovely moment
Our souls were quite aligned
But matching us is simple proof
Cupid indeed is blind

For at the core we differ
We match like fire matches ice
It took too long for me to realize this
And for that, you pay the price

Apologies mean nothing
If you can’t act out remorse
You’ll want nothing of me
And proscribe me at the source

I’ll be banished, gone forever,
From your mind, and heart, and soul
Until you find the person
That can plug your newfound hole

Hearts never quite recover
From a love that has been lost
So the mind begins to wonder
If it’s really worth the cost

Perhaps the one we find shares
Some same love induced defects
Perhaps the bond forms over
The many love stories we’ve wrecked

But to the point, I’m sorry
Sorry that I’ve let you down
So sad to give back to the world
The wonderful man that I have found

You’ll stay with me forever
My heart branded by your eyes
Thinking of what could have been
With discontented sighs

What could have been will never be
I think this we both know
It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever do-
Watching you permanently go

My heart brakes while I write this
Tears falling down my chin
As the scar painfully rips away
And I feel the bleeding rebegin

Mirror, Mirror on the wall
Show me purest of them all…
-A pause to process this big mistake-
Clearly, you’ve mistaken what I said

A woman is staring back at me
Whose face I cannot recognize
Her lips drip venom falsities
And spite sparks fire in her eyes

In her hands lay a golden cup
With an inscription branded on the side
She waits for someone to fill it up
Saying, “The Mirror never lies.”

A thousand ships sail across her neck
In circles, round and round
She throws her head back and starts to laugh
I shiver at the sound

“You look so confused, my love.
“Your eyes are open wide!
“Don’t you recognize me, dearest girl?
“I’ve always been on your left side.”

With that she flipped her shining hair
And narrowed those flashing, feline eyes
Then stepped aside to let me see
The principality and its demise

The world cracked just a little then…
It stopped spinning certainly
But the propulsion sent me forward
Spiraling for what seemed like an eternity

I landed on my hands and knees
Tears like rain falling to the floor
Mourning the death of my dear friend
Whose company I’d lost for evermore

Mirror, Mirror on the wall
Who has fallen farther than them all?
I see my reflection from the ground
Staring blankly into nothingness…

For years
I was afraid to play the fool
So I built up walls
Ten miles high
And from this view
I saw that I
Had only played myself

“Once upon a time”
The age old fairytale
About each perfect little princess
Finding her perfect little male
From birth into adulthood
We read about princes and knights
We’re promised a perfect match
To join us on our plight
So we sigh and sit and wait
Or sit and work and sigh
Always quietly wondering
If our prince has passed us by
Then with each lunar passing
And each trip around the sun
Our age brusquely informs us
That our prince may never come
No knights on noble steeds
Ride up to right our wrongs
There is no handsome nobleman
To play us his love songs
Except for those of course
Whose love proves insincere
The ones who leave us jilted
And actualize our greatest fears
With each disappointment
Another petal falls away
Slowly killing any magic
Leftover from our early days
Until one day an unassuming
Handsome man appears
Offers a ride on his white horse
Then promptly disappears

I like you like I like to
Refrain from breaking a hip
I like you like I like to
Not fall and bust my lip
I like you like I like
Not being stung by a bee
I like you like I like
Not having Stalin next to me

I like you as much as
Acid burns the skin
I like you as much as
The Holy Ghost likes sin
I like you as much as
My car stuck in a ditch
I like you as much as
My phone's each technological glitch

I like you like I like
Bashing my head against a wall
So I guess I really don't like you
No. I don't like you at all.

I met someone a long time ago
There was an elegant air around her
She looked around at
The filth surrounding us
Almost like she was a queen
Looking at a problem
She didn’t know how to fix

I knew immediately we had to speak

Suddenly, unpredictably,
She was living in my home
Sleeping in my bed
Sharing my secrets and
Divulging her own
Her things were all around me
In this tiny, little room
With one green wall
And all of her things
They covered my things
So I began to wish there was  
Distance between us

And then there was

My room felt empty
My bed felt cool
And something felt
Terribly wrong

We met again, unpredictably
In the same state
That wasn’t our own
I knew her instantly
She looked around
Like she was a queen
Looking at a problem
She didn’t want to fix
She seemed more jaded now
The way we’d both become
Traveling in the chasm
Of all that distance

We drank martinis
In the unfamiliar way we
Used to do
Jovially discussing how we’d both
Lost that hopeful glow
Her skin was still so
Dewy
Soft, and young, and fresh
But she was heavy
Heavier than I’d ever seen her
Heavy in a way we can’t
Quantify with a scale
She watched me with
A careful affection
Proud but weary
And I doted on her
With the same admiration
She loved to overlook

We parted ways again

Now she’s angry
I dared to claim
She was worth more
Because of loyalty
She responds
To my overtures
Until we have the chance
To meet again
Silence
My heart begins to ache
As my fears
Become true
The one-sided affair
Takes its next victim

Transition 8 silent months

To glamorous shoots
You have to pay
To see
I think back to the
First time we ever met
And wonder how
Two people can look the same
But be so different
I see the queen forget
She wears her crown
And assert that she
Never claimed the throne
At all

I know who you are
But

I don’t know how this story ends

Lily was a pretty girl
With eyes a shining blue
And copper hair, much like the sun,
With an infectious smile, too

Top of her class in college
Men would stare as she walked by
And when her friends laughed at her jokes
No one could hear her sigh

Imitation was her flattery
Everyone knew her name
And of course it was no party
Unless beloved Lily came

Her family was perfect
Fully virtuous through and through
Making generous donations
To match each of Lily's red-backed shoes

So each day she returned from school,
To her mansion of a home,
Ignored the pestering phone calls
And sat quietly, all alone

Til one day Lily returned
Placing a note upon the shelf
Quietly grabbed her father's gun
And loudly killed herself

I wish I could have met myself
At this age
When I was a little girl
I wonder if I would
Have liked who I've become
Would I speak to this adult
And find a resilient strength
Or would I see through
The bulletproof glass
Straight to her insecurities
Would she laugh and
Find me funny
Or pity the deflections
Would I stand beside her
And think
This is who I want to be

You stole my heart, you little thief,
And now my writing too
So days go by, and I ponder how
I could have
Ever
Loved you.
Simple, Babe,
I don't.
Not now,
Not for eternity
But consolation comes in knowing you still think of me
Was it true, my sweet,
My heart,  
My personal pet peeve?
And though it pained to watch you go
I love to see you leave.
Find your life and far from me,
My room's too small for two.
And when you're lonely
Think of me.
And know I don't of you

My thoughts sometimes travel back
To that cool, midsummer’s night
Under that diamond canopy
Two souls as one took flight

I have a map of you inside
This fictive mind of mine
And remember most of all, your peak,
The one mountain I chose to climb

You beat around the bush a bit
Before discovering my secret place
A garden, flowering under rain,
Whose fruit you had a taste

The sky explodes as fireworks
The earth begins to shake
And a volcano somewhere inside of us
Roars loudly, wide awake

But the tragedy about a climb
Is that you have to go back down
But all the way we’ll smile
And laugh about what we have found

So as the years go bye
And I survey that diamond canopy
I hope that you look up too,
And are reminded of me

For years so jealous I have been
Of those who excel with the brush
And envy those who make beautiful
A blank slate with the slightest touch

I tried my hand at drawing
Tried my hand to hide results
And my attempts at painting?
Rembrandt would label them an assault

But then I found a pen
And in this pen there was some ink
I found a page of blank paper
And sat down before I could even think

The words, they flowed like rivers,
Streams of life for the soul
Feeding my every desire
To reveal stories never before told

I have no use for charcoal
No use for chalk or paint
And a canvas is too small
Mocking me with its constraint

My pen is my paintbrush
Blank pages my inspiration
For my words are my works of art
*The beauty found in their formation

Once there was a little boy
With dreams that touched the sky
He was the darling first born son
Apple of his mother's eye
He was polite and kind to all
Regardless of their age
But never took kindly to those
Who would put his mind into a cage
So while his mother loved him so
He only made his father frown
And over the years his heart was crushed
By the man who only put him down
Approval is a funny thing;
It changes someone's life
In bulk it makes receivers shine,
In absence kills the heart with strife
So the little boy just ran away
Find love in other ways
And ending up more broken
Limping through each God-forsaken day
He wasted quite a bit of time
Feeling sorry for himself
Until finally he grew up some
And put old feelings on the shelf
"It's time to relocate," he thought
"Time to make a name for me."
It was time to take control of his life
Decide his own destiny
Then some girl came waltzing in,
Botching his newfound plan,
Eyes a portal to a lovely soul
And blemishless heart outstretched in hand.
This couldn't happen, not again
He wouldn't change his mind
This boy had places to go and be
And love was just not worth the time
So he packed up all his things again
His "life" a sentimental might say
And with out even a goodbye
Ran like hell the other way.

There is nothing so obnoxious as a memory
Persistent and begging for constant attention
Poking its head out of every corner
Shouting out to wake a sleeper
Leering at a pleasant dream
Interrupting thoughtless meditation

Memories are like silent broken records
Playing the same song
Over- over- over- over-
Scratching every unchangeable mistake
Catching every imperfect moment
Reminding of a better time
Just to replay the bitterness
It is a cyclical, perniciousness;
Round and round the record goes
Playing the same train wreck
Reminding the sunken listener that it’s

       Over- over- over- over-

It's not easy to be me
That's a generalization true for most
We all have our battles.
But I'm so jealous
So jealous of the way you all move on
Because when I see the pain
When I see the hurt
When I see the purity of a baby's foot
My cracked heart of stone
Can't help but beat again.
With every beat those pieces crash
Clack-clack-clack
Until a fire erupts inside of me
And I can't help but
Fight.
Fight for the children playing on the slide
Giggling and screeching
So blissfully unaware of the
World they were born into...
For while they laugh and play
I know someone is out there
Crying
While the screams of a new born
Ring out into the world
The crushing silence of loss
Envelopes all the noise-
Silent screams erupt
From those who have no voice
While the rest of the world
Finds glory in their deafness
Not me.
I hear it all.
Every scream, every laugh, every word
Like a supersonic torture chamber
Until I'm paralyzed
I'd try to shut it out
But if not me then whom?
Someone has to hear.
Someone has to act.
I wouldn't trade this for the world
Because while my heart bleeds
And though my soul is crushed
At least I know I feel
At least they know that
Someone else feels the hurt
They can't hide anymore.
Someone hears them scream
But who hears me?

I lost my keys today
What a silly problem to have
But I'm devastated
Retracting my steps
Brings no relief
Because I just think of every choice
Every decision
And how it led to this moment
So now I know
After the recollections
The different scenarios
That could have occurred
All the little ways
It could've gone differently
All the options
To avoid this
I can tell you where I lost them
I know exactly
Where they left me
I know the moment
They disappeared
But it doesn't matter
This knowledge fails me
Because after all
The recollections
After all
The realizations
I still lost my keys.

It’s quite a thing for us to have
A beating, working heart
To inhale, exhale, inhale again
As you fall spectacularly apart

For when you die according to
Any book I’ve read
Your heart goes still, your lungs deflate
To be considered dead

You shouldn’t feel the pulsing blood
Flow warmly through your veins
You shouldn’t walk and talk and think
Or feel such intense pain

There’s something so poetic
In being the walking dead
To be murdered so profoundly
On such an inconsequential bed

As dignity fell to the ground
Like a ***** takes of her clothes
Your body somehow betrays itself
And completely and utterly froze

So while you lay there dying
Your heart remains so strong
Your lungs- they keep on breathing-
It’s as though there’s nothing wrong

When the killing is finally finished
When the deed is finally done
The world slowed and hastened all at once
Into confused, oblivion

For how can you be breathing
When your life has come to an end?
When you’ve been so completely broken
There’s nothing left to even mend

But get up and walk you do
And inhale, exhale you must
Because, unfortunately, your heart must stop
For you to turn to dust


Like a ghost without the benefit
Of being properly dead
You inhale, exhale, all the while
With that memory in your head

Being undead hurts and numbs your
Senses simultaneously  
And your wounds bleed out in places
No one else can feel or see

Wake up, inhale, exhale, sigh
Pretend the same you still exists
But that girl is dead and gone
Even though her ghost persists

We sit beneath the mango tree
You say, “I’ve got to go one day, you see…”
I nod and smile for that’s far away…
And I know deep down you really want to stay
So we talk and learn about our lives
Blaze right past all the normal lies
I say, “I think I’m gonna miss you some…”
You laugh and say, “God, you’re young.”
If I’d known then how this was going to go
There were more things I would have let you know
Like that time we sat under the mango tree
And my heart stopped when you first kissed me...

While you were packing up your little home
I was sitting, waiting by the phone
Wondering where I’d gone so wrong
Wishing your determinations weren’t so strong…
The weeks crawl by and you don’t call
I take the frustration out on my bedroom wall
We both knew that this had to end
But for that short time it was awfully nice to pretend
So we meet under the mango tree
I stare at you, and you stare back at me
You say, “You knew I had to go one day.”
I mutter back, “Then I guess there’s nothing more to say.”

Then like a tragedy I left you there
Unable to hold your penetrating stare
There were more things that we both should’ve said
But it seems we took the easy road instead
The road whose paths would never have to cross
So we’d never have to think about what we have lost
But sometimes I still pass that mango tree
And remember how you used to look at me,
Smile about those shining, sapphire eyes,
Marvel at the tree’s growing size,
Laugh about the brief time we shared
And pack away the memories with care

What happens to a word unspoken?
Where can it go?
It is the unshared token
Between hearts tossed to and fro.

Silence is the ticking of the clock
The timer on a bomb
An impenetrable block
Quiet. Quiet.

It is the gushing flesh wound
Left to disease
Rotting from the lack of sound
Unseen by those you hope to please.

But what happens to a word left unsaid?
Where can it go?
Betrayed and left for dead
Choked by this elaborate show

It is buried deeply underground
In the Mausoleum of Cat-caught tongues
Where all the silence can be found
Screaming at the top of its lungs.

To find, to keep the one you love
Is not an easy feat, you see.
Tis difficult to locate one
Particularly suited to thee

For though thy love be pure and true
And supposed to last you all your days
Time often shapes a different plan
Forcing lovers to part in ways

Like leaves tossed in the winter wind
So will your heart pieces fly
Revisiting the bitter, barren past
Each touch, each kiss, each sigh

Until the wind doth settle down
And the frost rebuilds what was destroyed
Until thine heart is whole again
Ice filling in each crack and void

So frozen in this time is place
You’ll find your hardened self to be
You’ll miss the coming spring
And ignore each heart stretched out to thee

To find, to keep the one you love
Is not as easy feat, you see.
Tis difficult to give a broken gift
To one who means so much to thee.

I guess you’re always late
Or perhaps you’re always right on time
I know with certainty you’re never early
Or you’d already be mine

When I was a little girl
Laying in my bed at night
I’d pray for you with urgency
So that I’d know you right on sight

That must be why The Greats
All claim that love is blind
For years I’ve been searching
And yours is a face I cannot find

And by this simple fact
I can’t get you gift
So I write this message in a bottle
That it might find your heart, adrift

Perhaps you love another
Perhaps my heart is sealed  
Maybe we have more to learn
Before our identities can be revealed

Either way rest easy, lover,
Knowing it’s you I even now adore
Happy Valentines Day, my love, my dear,
My missing paramour

This is the world
That I escape to when I’m desperate
A world where dreams
Transform into soft realities

I watch it sparkle
The sun rises brighter every time
But then the dark comes
And I watch the sun set on my sublime

For every sun beam
There are two moons
It shines so brightly
But leaves too soon
And we lay enveloped
In what we’ve lost
But I’m forced to stay here
Trapped in the dusk

You laugh and you cry
When you’re in this place
Weighed down by fears
That can’t be erased

So you start running fast
And push off of the ground
Then soar like an eagle
Before you come tumbling down

I tried to escape from this other world
Tried harder and harder to never go back
But it’s Neverland for adults you see
And discipline is a virtue that I lack

For every sunbeam
There are two moons
It shines so brightly
But leaves too soon
And we lay enveloped
In what we’ve lost
But I’m forced to stay here
Trapped in the dusk

Still with all of its faults
I can’t get away
But just like a mirage
I can never stay

So I travel back
To a world that’s fake
Full of fantasies
My brain could never make

For every sunbeam
There are two moons
It shines so brightly
But leaves too soon
And we lay enveloped
In what we’ve lost
But I’m forced to stay here
Trapped in the dusk

Waking up is the worst part of my day
It’s this awful reminder that I exist
That the nights I pretend life isn’t real
I’m forced to wake and feel like this

But that’s the issue with breathing isn’t it?
You don’t exactly have a choice
You can’t shut off your heartbeat
Or it’s persistent, pestering voice

Asking what you’ve managed to remember
Before passing out atop your bed
Wondering how it’s managed to come to this
And what the **** was going on inside your head

Because now the sun has risen
To cast light all over my shame
Cutting straight into the darkness
That hid my face and name

Blurry, awful recollections
Swirl around inside my mind
I try not to search too hard
Because I’m scared of what I’ll find

It’s amazing how I manage
To keep myself afloat
When every ******* weekend
I poke more holes inside my boat

You ask me why I do this
Believe me, I wonder the same
There are many reasons, honestly
But I think that I’m mostly to blame

I allowed myself this problem
I’ve allowed me to be used
I cry when people punch me
Then I pick and poke the bruise

So then it starts to heal
And my reasons go away
There’s nothing for me to show for it
But the hurt chooses to stay

Still I smile and laugh and joke
Pretend that everything is fine
All the while wishing me and Misery
Weren’t so very intertwined

There is comfort in the sadness
Because there’s nowhere left to go
I’m already sprawled out on the ground
Each time Life hits me with a blow

What would happen if I were happy?
That’s a long way for me to fall
Rock bottom is much farther
When you’ve managed to stand tall

Of anyone, I know this
Having started from the top
And now that I’ve started falling
I just don’t know how to stop

As most would feel about me
I’m sure this fact would leave you stumped
I wasn’t pushed into this place
I wasn’t pushed; I jumped.  

There’s an enigmatic balance
In choosing to self-destruct
It’s brought on by other’s actions
And sustained by one’s own conduct

Then you’re stuck inside a circle
Of your own turbid caprice
Wondering desperately how and when
This cycle will finally cease

Someone once compared me to a rose
What a flower to be
Blooming only in the best conditions
With perfect tending
And tedious attentions
Beautiful, but thorny
Admirable, but painful to hold
Offering their beauty only
To those so fortunate
As to be in the garden
No
I'm not a rose
I'm the wildflower that
Offers beauty to all around it
Grows wherever it lands
Withstands the storm
And finds the sun