Objectified Self

Warfare
the only thing you bring to me

You challenge my thoughts
You force my feelings
You invoke my emotions

I have to create contingency plans
Because of you

I have to keep a distance
Because of you

Because of You
I
have to rearrange too much of Me

I cant **** you

I can only war with you
the only thing you bring to me


© Christopher F. Brown 2018

I am not done yet
I have not passed on

My back may hurt
it still moves

The sloth in my movement may be caused by pain
Id rather feel pain than not feel

My heart may be tough and leathery
it is not cold
it is not stone

My laughs are deeper
longer

My love is harder
stronger

When I do speak
it is often low

there is no need to shout
there is no need to comment on everything
every thing is not my concern

What I have
now
is knowledge

What I know
now
is how to filter information


© Christopher F. Brown 2018

Never been to Mars
Never allowed myself to loiter
On A street I did not belong

Seems Ive only ever met
The many multitudes of grown boys
children really
Claiming to be men

They are good for
Were good for
Childish things

What else can a child do but think of games
What else can a child do but play
What else should a child do but think of themselves

I think I'd like to go to Mars
Hell
Maybe even the Moon

Any place

Seems like it would be better than this street I live on
It sometimes seems like an adult playground
All the children around here
Pretending
Pretentious

Never seen Mars
Maybe the Moon

© Christopher F. Brown 2018

If the Messiah they need is a woman
Convince them only men are holy.

If the Messiah they need is black
Convince them only white is holy

If the Messiah they need is same gender loving or non-binary
Convince them only heterosexual is holy

If the Messiah they need is proud
Convince them only humility is holy

If the Messiah they need holds knowledge in their left hand
Convince them the right hand is holy

If the Messiah they need has a ten point plan of righteously defending one's self
Convince them that the only holy answer is nonviolence.

If they ever one day happen to believe that they can define:
Self
By Self
Through Self
Of Self
Convince them that holiness is only attainable through a message and belief of:
Holy and selective Prosperity
Holy and selective Favoritism
Holy and selective
Elitism

If they ever happen to look in the mirror and one day love all that they see
Convince them that the holy standards of beauty deems every and all that makes them what they are ugly

If they ever happened to one day realize that the Messiah that they need is within all of them as a United People
Convince them that the holy Messiah can only lay in one person per generation and then publicly assassinate the person that they believe
Or you have chosen
To be their
Messiah.

© Christopher F. Brown 2018

You've found that hole in your soul
Nothing fills it

The smallest things
Seem smaller

The largest things
Seem smaller still

Why won't anything fit
Why won't anything fill

You've found that hole in your soul
Nothing fits it

Its not like its a predator
The things it consumes
You've already forgotten about

Silently it exist
Taking only what you've sacrificed through neglect
Taking only what you've left to languish

It would be better if it was a hunter
If it was taking
Then you could remember
Then you could


© Christopher F. Brown 2018

Delusional
By years
By fears

We now say
Concerned

We fear not
We worry not

Why then are we
Concerned

Are we Delusional

Should we now say
Misunderstood
Misguided

Intentionally avoiding reality
Labeling it something: other
Labeling it something: manageable

Something

As it is not
Even though that
Is


© Christopher F. Brown 2018

Rap was my first love
Rap will always hold my fire

Hip Hop will always have my heart
Hip Hop will always be the one I come home too

We started together
Even when she is on some *******
Mumbling around town with technicolor hair
Crunch berry grills
looking like a cartoon villain
I get it

Rock was cool
sometimes we all need to scream
need to be sad and different
sometimes we don’t need words
just a guitar
just a bass
just a drum

It’s a funny thing to say:

The Blues made me laugh
laugh hard too
That’s why she said she left me
she said she was done.

I got so lost in Jazz
When I thought I left I realized
I’m still here

When I thought I had seen all that there is to see
When I thought I rounded the final corner
It turned out to be a street named Lombard  
The light shone on me in notes of blue
With the blessing of The Sun and Ra

I realized
off beat is the beat

Jazz
She’s like Hip Hop
I may go away
but I’ll never leave.


© Christopher F. Brown 2018

There once was this universe that only existed in the memory of it's Creator
Named after the Creator's cousin
Early on by the inhabitants of the universe

To its Creator
It only existed 5 or 10 minutes

To its its inhabitants
Time and space
Lasted long enough for them to directly communicate with that which created them

All manor of experience
All types of existence
Was present there

Science discovered Magic as Magic welcomed Science home

When this universe came to an end
Its Creator created a thing that universe had never seen
The creator's creation disturbed the peace and shattered the balance
The Creator's creation was a selfish and ego filled thing.

The creator created a being whose purpose was
be everything
the creator had never seen
Be everything
the creator never had

A being whose only purpose was
do nothing else and only this:

Love the creator like it had never been loved

Doing this warped and then shattered the universe.



© Christopher F. Brown 2017

When I first met you
you could barely stand
yourself

your words
not mine

It wouldn’t have been fair
asking you to stand with me

Unfair to me
not you


I see you question yourself now


“Can they see?”
“Do they know?”

You know you only hide
masks
shells
I laugh because you’ve even tried fur

Some see
Some know

And you pray
To see them before they see you

And you pray
To know them before they know you

I’ll say a French sigh instead of writing it
Anyway

You play a game called self
Id like to ask you some questions
but you already knew that didn’t you


© Christopher F. Brown 2017

If I ever become famous
I want to tell you

The Oakland that raised me
has changed

Its spirit is still the same
but
its body
its composition
-or at least the parts I knew-
are irrevocably different
from what I knew

The house that my grandmother lived in

for over 30 years

was fashioned to four bedroom
800k
two-story cottage
never mind the generations worth we had their already

Something similar happened to the homes my aunts lived in
Something similar happened to the homes my friend’s aunts lived in

The once cozy and comfy street corners in the
Black Neighborhood
began to be filled with **** attics asking for food and money
pulling fat bloated dogs behind them.

The once cozy comfy street corners in the
Black Neighborhood
that use to be outposts for Muslims selling newspapers and bean pies
turned to base settlements for those in need that had the cleverest sign

They tell me now that I’m from

“Old Oakland”

The smells from the Granny Goose and Mother’s cookie’s factories
still fills Stonehearst’s playground when I dream that of a time gone by


Old Oaklanders Remember

When you could hop on the bus and get a hotlink from Flints
We Remember taking the BART to the colosseum station and seeing
Our Mural
on hallowed ground.
Panthers, Politicians, and everyday People
Reflecting Us
By Us

That’s gone now

Across the street is the
New Mural
on capitalist ground
Patriotic Propaganda
Reflecting someone miles away
By someone that’s just getting paid

There is even a shuttle that takes you directly to the airport now
No more interacting with the locals

Old Oaklanders Remember

When Raiders moved to LA
We welcomed them back
Now they are moving to LV
Its an Oakland thing
you wouldn’t understand


The New Oakland wants to Fight The Old Oakland
Its want to take Laney away
(a small part it says)
and build
The New A’s Stadium

The Small Part it wants isn’t Big enough
to do the new thing they want to do
Us Old Oaklanders know how this goes
the small little part
for the new little thing
gets bigger and bigger until all

The Old is Gone


If I ever become famous
I want to tell you

The place that manufactured the mold of my making is under new management
Even the surrounding areas have transformed


Downtown Berkley once had a cornucopia of bookstores with blocks of one another
Crystal and smoke shops
mom and pop knickknack shops that sold real Ethiopian coffee
40 year old pen shops
30 year old record shops

All gone

They have restaurants now

The strip of Telegraph or University where you could once see
Rockers with 8 inch spiky green Mohawks
Getting high with
Burnt out hippies
and Keeping the peace and spreading the love with
North Oakland Generals

has all been replaced

Conservative A type international students studying
STEM or accounting and finance that all
“hate it here”
But want to make a lot of money
and will when they are done
and will make more when they build their empire back home

That is the Downtown Berkeley you see.

If I ever become famous
and someone goes looking about the places where my feet traveled
and the body of my youth laid
I want to tell you

You wont find it

“Old Oakland”

Only exists in the hearts of the Old Oaklanders
Living in parts far and wide

They have even stopped calling North Oakland
North Oakland

Now its

Temescal,
Some far reach of Emeryville
or even a direction of Berkeley

but its not
Its Oakland

And it will always be Oakland




© Christopher F. Brown 2017

“You wanna go to the crystal shop with me?
  Maybe some coffee?”

First things we said

Buying matching bullhorns
for later


I’ll show you how to wrap sage
leaves
You can show me how to build
a fire

Lucky
Blessed
Charmed
Happy

We didn’t have to wait
long


We’ll make a pact


We’ll promise to grow old
Side by side
We know we’re already
Dead

This was the first time
We understood


Oui



© Christopher F. Brown 2017

I’ve met my soulmate
A few times now

- Maybe more-

Only in this life time though


I met him once in his past life
He spoke Portuguese
I only thought in Kiswahili  

Once I met him when I realized
Past and future lives are really just extensions of the one you live
presently

Once

-a few really-
Which cause me more sorrow than anything
Not at all the confusion past and negative everyone elses said I should have

He was a she

Because of my soulmate
I learned that,

“Love at first sight”

Is just a literary device

Because of my soulmate
I learned that,

“Happily Every After”

Only exist in the land of make believe.


© Christopher F. Brown 2017

That feeling you get

when you wake up to rain in the middle of June.


You can get rid of the people that make feel this way but

You cant stop the rain
You could move but be serious


There will always come a day when

When you wake up to rain in the middle of June


Smile hard
be the sun


© Christopher F. Brown 2017

I don't know if it was me
maybe it was them
It could be me
You should never rule that possibility out

my peers and I

we really didn't relate until our late thirties
maybe forties

Even now
as they did then
they say I'm a crazy fool

What is crazy
the same things they said I was crazy for
10, 20 years ago
I see them walking hand in hand with now

Claiming the crazy thing as their own new born precious truth
birthed from their own life trials and tribulations
spawned from their own hard fought and barely survived experiences

What I was foolish for
Is valuable and teachable wisdom now

Maybe I was always old
Maybe the world just went crazy long ago
and I was just crazy enough to see it
ride the wave as it were

I think when we're all in our sixties
they'll get what I'm talking about now
I hope I'm not dead by then


© Christopher F. Brown 2017

Sometimes we just want to hold it
because it warms us

we can't decide
it might be bad for us
When the air's whispers are warm and the moon refuses to entertain

we can't decide
it might be good for us
When the wind carries chills and the sun searches for its shadow

we take it
into ourselves
knowing the potential harm
wanting the promised help

Sometimes we just want to hold it
because it warms us

©Christopher F. Brown 2016

Disregard is Disrespect

I don’t have a responsibility
but because I feel one
I do

Let my voice and words be enough
if they are not
Let my deeds and actions be enough
if they are not

I will sacrifice:
my blood, my sweat, my tears
to try and make you understand
or at least comprehend

I am different from you
not that I am trying

I am the same as you
not that I am trying

Your definition of me and those that seem to be like me
is secondary maybe even tertiary

What matters is
the explanation of me as i interpret to you
just as
the explanation of you as you interpret to me

I am human as you
because
I AM


© Christopher F. Brown 2016

These days
Adam Worlock is my best friend

He knew I never was
what they call
a bad guy

He knows what it was like for gods and kings
When we go for love
we go hard

He could see
more than anyone in the universe
I knew and know
myself

Its not about being cocky
Its about doing and being me

I cant say that about my friend

He needs to examine his
self
examine his personal issues
Instead of pretending like they don’t exist
The day will come when they want to fight him.
Hes going to be kinda stuck

But that’s what best friends are for

These days
I'm out of that love game
no more future ex’s
no more making ex’s current

I'm  reading and writing a few books
getting back to meditating
Might even plant a garden

©Christopher F. Brown 2016

The so called, “***** Spiritual”
invented on hot fields of cotton and tobacco
birthed of blood, whips, and sweat
tears served no purpose.

The, “Blues”
came with freedom
that wasn’t really free
that could be taken at a moment’s notice
that wasn’t guaranteed
only those that were actually
free
could even understand
could even care

“Jazz”
Jazz is funny
Jazz came into the world
smiling
in the rain.

©Christopher F. Brown 2015

The African American
has had their time
has had their place

They have bled out every drop of blood
They have emptied every duct purposed for tear

They have broken
every bone
constructed and combined to form a back

The African American
has long dreamt dreams
days yet to come
days gone by

The African American has to awaken to their reality
The African American has to die to their fantasy

We are:

Africans
in
America

Africans
in
The Diaspora

Africans
We
Are

©Christopher F. Brown 2015

They say,
"America loves a winner."

I ask,
"Why doesn't America like Serena?"

They say,
"America loves an underdog?"

I ask,
"Why doesn't America like Serena?"

They say,
"America loves a good fight and fighter."

I say,
"I already know why but would you,
America,
ever admit
Just once.

You know what,

Nevermind."

© Christopher F. Brown 2015

I am not theoretical

I exist here
I am here

hold my hands
they are meant to touch
whisper in my ears
they are meant to hear

Words could not hurt my heart
if it were theory
My mouth would only speak pleasantries
if it were theory

Reality is my home

Beyond pages of books
lines of code

I am here
I exist here

I am not theoretical

©Christopher F. Brown 2015

in between shadows
the sounds of quiet in the night
riding the backs of afternoon breezes
caressing the cold outsides of windows

existing as someone
other
Something
other

only in touch
only in sound

a hand on the back of a neck
its not there
pressure and heat compressed against lips
its not there
memories of fragrances navigating auras  
They are not there

fires by moonlight
rivers deep beneath earthen floors

lingering far beyond the time
the time to begone

It's over
still
It's not done

©Christopher F. Brown 2015

On the planet where I live
gambling and narcissism
are recognized for the diseases they are

racism and homophobia
that's just people being people

Here
having a conversation with some is battle
mental exhibition bouts with jaw juggernauts
most only listen for their position to pounce
Never hearing a thing

favors and helping hands
well laid traps and plans sewing deeply rooted weeds
intended to bind over time
your worth is assessed by how much value you can acquire for other

animals are measured greater than people
it makes sense
People have yet to meet or even be human

Here
I'm not the type of Blackman you see on TV

six feet tall maybe taller over three hundred pounds
a well-read autodidact master of many things

On the planet where I live
that is considered a threat

Here
the goal is to populate Mars
before the pollution on Earth becomes inhospitable
to the people of Earth
after all
Mars is ours for the taking

Here
you're supposed to mow your neighbor's lawn
while your back yard is overgrown
while your kitchen burns down

On the planet where I live
all of this is common knowledge
some say sense
It's spoken of and considered
immoral and deplorable

Here
if you exist in any different or other way
you're labeled
one of the crazies and shunned
you’re supposed to know its wrong
not admit to it



© Christopher F. Brown 2015

I still think about you

stupid right
I know

but
you know what
for once

Its not about you


© Christopher F. Brown 2015

Is it really this hard
to find people I can go back and forth in discussion with
about Buddhist and Hindu theology compared and contrasted against Christian and Yoruba

I want to scream and shout and dance with somebody over Janet Jackson's new album
and at the same time
feel the heat and talk with somebody about how extremely sad and depressing
but oh so good Giovanni's Room was

I want to be able to speak with somebody whom can quote Malcolm X and Kafka in the same breath

Somebody who could see the logic of Pac and Immortal Technique on the same piece
with the Budos Band or Mulatu on the back track

I want to know people whom know
just exactly who
Suki Lee and Bayard Rustin are

can we talk about Jacob Kinohoor's ***
at least for a moment
then get into some B.B. King or Johnny Cash

have you seen Dune
the one from the eighties
James McAvoy shirtless
as well as John Goodman’s acting
were only good things about the other
if you read it
even better

what about the ***** that sat by the door
Or
killer clowns from outer space

let's be shady and point out all the inaccuracies on the history and discovery and channels
praying for that day
that's not in February
They show Shaka Zulu in full
without commercial interruption

Or maybe a documentary about native American people
with actual native actors
that do not depict them all as either
plains people
Or Inuit
Cause you already know
not everybody is Eskimo

then let's put on our own private production of legally blonde
followed by encore presentations of the classic scene
Of Miss Celie and miss Ofelia going in over Harpo

can I discuss with you
how the Patriot act nullifies everything in constitution
And the bill of rights
even though they never were intended to be permanent any way

It would be nice to not have to explain a Corporatocracy

all my life Ive been into Egyptology
You do know that Imhotep was the actual founder of medicine
by a good 2000 years
not that Hippocrat

the thing is
I'm still learning

when attempt to delve that deeply into people
which I don't even consider that deep
They often misunderstand
They often concluded without thinking

maybe
just maybe

©Christopher F. Brown 2015

Look at these people
With their perfect bodies
their perfect families
their perfect houses and cars
and their other perfect things

If I say this directly to anyone
or even aloud
the knee **** conditioned response is to say
I
me
they
suffer from jealousy

Why do people wait four or five decades before they accept
life is not perfect
there is no perfect thing
no perfect someone
no perfect anything

you accept what you will
refuse what you wont
put purpose to plan
its all what you decide to make of it

They say that is settling
it could be
Id disagree with their understanding of the word

forcing something to be a certain way
a certain way that only existed in one’s uncertain mind
how is that anywhere near
perfect
how is that anything less than
delusional

I could force myself to be completely
other than I am

be what I believe I should be
have what I believe I should have
do what I believe I should do
but is any of that

perfect

is any of that

me

where is the reality in that

reality never had anything to do with the notion
the idea
the thing
called perfect

They said
weren’t you the one that said
pursue your passion

weren't you the one that said
the only difference between a dream and a goal
are the details that occupy the reality in between

Sometimes
I hate talking to me

© Christopher F. Brown 2015

You think because your skin is wrinkle and blemish free
you have achieved a great feat of life

being thirty
or forty
or fifty-three
looking 23 ***

The last book you read
was only done so that you can name
the last book you read

Your soul is as paper thin
as is your skin

hold on
yes
your shell, vehicle, vessel
and its drapings, anointings, adornings
are very beautiful

you do know that
none of that at all
is actually you

your body fat percentage and credit score
is as important to you
as the birth of your children
as the day of your first wedding
as the day of your second divorce

hold on
yes I'm calling you shallow

hold on
no I'm not saying that I'm better

I will say at least
what I do
I do because it has a purpose
I do because it has a meaning

I know that lives are more important than taxes and their brackets
I know that you do not stay
just because of what others might say if you go

What you do is because. . .
What you believe is because. . .
Right down to the very words you choose

why do you do anything that you do

that’s right
go ahead and say it

© Christopher F. Brown 2015

For Dana

Woman
Sister
Mother

No matter the title or label
None fully define that which is
You

That which is
Dana

Studying your hands I’ve learned
all things are possible
even though you make them seem effortless

Studying your soul I’ve learned
true strength is limitless and unmatched

Studying your arms I’ve learned
true love is unconditional

Thank you Dana
for being the first woman in my life

Thank you Bennie
for being the first sister in my life

Thank you Ma
for being my one and only
Mother

©Christopher F. Brown 2015