Sometimes it just needs to be said
*Im so tired

We always  need something new.
Have you noticed?
We have become so unpleaseable
And everything  comes so upgradeable.
I miss simplicity.
The days were i didnt worry much.
Getting older *****.
We got jobs
Families
Harder School
And all of thay stuff
But yet
We want more
More
More
More
New things
More
Fun
More
Drama
More
Hate.
We need to take a mintue
To be greatful
For what we have been lucky  enough
To have

my birthday is in 7 days
*woo-hoo

I failed.
I failed
I failed
I could have stopped it
everything
But
you guessed it
I failed.
I failed at keeping myself okay,
I was worried on keeping everyone else happy.
I failed at knowing how to love.
I failed at remembering how to be happy.
After what feels like a lifetime being shrouded in darkness,
I have failed to bring lightness to the world.
I bring darkness,
like a storm brings destruction.
I failed to gather the joy
I left it to die.
I failed
But,
its okay.

Your eyes as oceans,
your body undiscovered lands,
baby I want to hold you
your body between my hands

"My name calling all night
I can pull the wool while I'm being polite
Like, darling calling all night
I can be a bull while I'm being polite"
~Jidenna
_______
Manners have disappeared.
Respect is gone.
Youth today "don't give a ****"
What happened?
Where did being nice in public go?
Youth,
this is your...our callout.
"Manners are gay"
is what they say,
but when mamma's around,
its "yes sir"
"please?"
when she leaves,
"hurry up, *****"
America has changed so much.
Rude is now the norm.
What the heck?
Why, why why?
Where did the manners go?
Why not be the "classic man"
and stick to your morals?
Being cool should not be the motivation in life,
but being the best you can be.
And shouting out slurs all the time
is not the way to do that.
Like where is your head?
Up the *** maybe?
Manners are the origins of our childhood, no?
So than why the h-e double hockey stick do we act like
that chapter of our life
never existed
its time to grow up,
really grow up
open our eyes,
and be respectable human beings

the curtain rolls aside
The stage sets
The lights flicker on
Everybody is waiting.
And suddenly
it begins
The fake facade
The fake tears that cascade
This entire thing is an act
Nothing but predators in the night.
And though everyone wants to fight
Things just get too **** tight.
We want to be exposed to the light
But the play begins to take flight
And stunts are executed at devestating heights

This play
The theatre is all an act.
The metaphorical phrase for life.
And ****** at best
The masquerade of faults
The sins
The lies
Beginning to become more of a circus.
And as this blood runs red
This...act runs dark.
The curtains still pried open
Set on the openess of a prairie.
These people.
The ones who lead us on
The never ending Mirage.
Until this act is exposed
The audience shall be snatched into grievience.
The fakes strut around us.
They show the underside quickly.
The ugly scene
That proved to be the ******.
The jaw dropping ****-canned conclusion.
But imagine the actors
Exposed and afraid.
Alone without makeup and masks.
Turning until someone asks
where the ***** the director?
Abandonment from the puppeteer himself
Waiting for everyone *else to
Show themselves
For who they really are.

my birthday is in 4 days
Hell yeah
*This one's gonna be good

Goodnight world.
Its been a long day.
I felt like ****
I had at least 5 headaches
Took 4 pills today
And drank 6 glasses of water.
But now its time to rest.
And to think.
Think about the girl i crush on
Think about the new school year
And what the **** im doing tomorrow
Its a goodnight from me
Good old b.d
I cant wait to stress about the littlest things tomorow.
But thats tomorrow.
But if one things for sure
*you can bet your *** im sleeping in

I am done being used

I feel like im wrestling with love.
Its choking me
Its punching my ribs
So many times
I have believed in love,
And each time
The haven i build only burns down
I am left with the smallest frown.
I fight for love,
But it dies anyways.
Numerous times i have gone up to bat
But my heart recieved its third strike
My heart has been shot
My heart has been strewn everywhere.
Little pieces reside in memories.
I have fallen so many times
Scraping my knees each time.
I get hurt too much,
But yet
I still believe.
I believe there is a girl
Who believes there is a boy
That will understand her.
That will understand me.
Even though i still havnt seen its full effect yet,
i am willing to die
**for what could be

My birthday is in 5 days
*hot ****

The countdown
for absolutely nothing at all
#2

I dress in black
I listem to screamo.
Asking alexandria and
Bmth all day
But emo tho?
I dunno.
I like black alot.
I wear it alot
And  skinny jeans  are my best friend.
People tell me I'm emo
Like it's  a bad thing.
I think being emo is a beautiful  thing.
I dont cut.
Never will
But i stand down sometimes.
Being emo  should  be a privilege.
Its not bad.
If i am emo
Than i am strong
I have a spirit not rivaled by many.
I can endure being screamed at because i prefer it in my music.
I will grow out my hair because i can
And my band t shirts will hold their own special place in my closet.
If i am emo
Than so be it
But  i will not be slandered
For who i *am

Stop telling me I need a savior.
I stopped believing a long time ago.
Stop telling me someone will deliver me,
I been waiting for my hell to end
Stop telling me I am loved
If he did love me, I would not know abuse
Stop telling me that prayer is the answer
I have prayed my life away
Stop telling me this life is planned
why would god plan for me to feel so inhuman?
Stop telling me it is in God's hands
If so, his hands are full of sin
Please, for the love of god
stop
trying to make it okay by using *God

My birthday is in 3 days
*lets **** **** up

Amber,
just. hold. on
please?
for me

Today,
is 4/6/16.
It is 7:46 pm.
And my childhood friend
just died
41 minutes ago.
No lie,
no joke.
I cry as I write this one,
my eyes are probably swollen,
and I know
he wouldn't want me to cry.
But,
I look at the pictures I have of him,
how he seemed so happy.
I held him in my arms,
just hoping he'd eat something,
at 5:10 pm today.
He hadn't been eating for days,
he couldn't stand up.
My friend's name was scooter.
Scooter was the best pet I could have asked for.
He was the main attraction at my home,
because he was a pig.
Such a lovable pig.
He was just like a dog, but better.
That pig could make me smile any day.
He used to dance.
He used to oink so cutely.
I am gonna miss him for sure.
I just know it.
With that, I end this one.
With tears in my eyes,
I wish you a final goodbye.
I will always love you, buddy.
R.I.P
my dear, dear scooter.

Her skin
Soft like a newborn.
Her legs wrapped around my waist.
Her eyes are staring into mine
I see the stars forming.
In her cornia.
Her body heat
Slowly elevating mine.
Her lips tight against mine.
She is all I've ever wanted
And here she is
Upon my waist.
Upon my body
upon my mind
Here she is,
Her muscles tightening
Her breathing rapidly quickening
Her soul flying
Her lovely sighing.
She is all I've ever wanted
She looks so perfect tonight.
She seems to always know
just what I like.
Her chest up against mine
Her heartbeat strong
Her breaths now so long.
And it is everything for me
Not to lose myself.
She is all I've ever wanted
She is the one for me
And she cried the day
I got on one knee
Here we are
Alone tonight
My hands on her curves
Her hands gripping tight
She is
Suduction
But my, I dont mind
She can have her way
After all
She is all I've ever wanted

Your face
Sooooooo **** cute.
Your lips.
soft. Oh my god...so soft
Your eyes.
Perfect. So bright and full of life
Your hair
The way it blows in the wind got me worked up, ***.
I love every thing about you.
Your voice is so soothing
I could be in the middle of gunfire,
Hear your voice
And
relax
You cary me away into another world.
my wonder woman
Perfect in all ways...
Better than wonder woman.
Better than any woman.
If i may,
Can i say,
You  are hot.
****.
Beautiful
Stunning
all of the above
Your personality is unmatched.
I tell you this alot.
But only now have i chosen
To focus
On you
Further
And see
What my eyes see
As well as
What my heart sees.
I love you.
My dear, dear Angel.
Just knowing that you love me
  Sends me to the moon
(That was cheesy af)
But its true.
Baby,
Oh  my god
I love you

i have been killed
i have been hit with a spear.
It destructed my security.
It pierced my joy.
he killed my with two words.
"*******"
he killed me when he said
"you don't deserve happiness"
i thought he was supposed to be a father.
NOT a killer.
for years i refused to recognize the step before his name.
I wanted Step-father to become father. to become dad.
Joe, *******.
**** everything you are.
You robbed me of my happiness, my faith, my childhood.
For years i gave you chances.
I didn't turn you in because i believe(d) in change.
And then you wonder why you don't mean anything to me.
My heart was slashed.
Who the **** beats an eight year old kid?
Who?
Who takes away hope by kicking a nine year old out of his home to roam the streets?
I shake just sharing that memory.
Or when you put screws underneath my knees to stop me from falling on them while doing endless push-ups?
kids must be punished.
But not your way, you selfish *****
And now god is your salvation?
i hope he has mercy.
Because you deserve worse than hell

My life is like call of duty zombies:
Im down
Someone revive me

Every time we meet
I feel like I need disinfectant.
Every time we talk,
I feel like I need to talk to the father and ask for redemption.
Every time I see you,
I want to close them shut and never wake up.
You ****** me over too many times before.
You seem to think that you can move me like a *****.
Well,
I'm not your little **** boi
You think you have such power,
***** you're nothing to me
I wish I could find
this thing you made me lose inside.
I wish I could forget
there ever was an us
Because I like it much better
just being alone.
Away from you.
You are infected,
evil,
and a nervous wreck.
Someone needs to get you a life,
lord knows you can't do it on your own.
just talking about you makes me crave lysol.
Look,
I'm sorry to be bashing on you,
but this is necessary
in order to forget
everything you ever were
You call me a ******,
but honey,
I've been called WAY worse.
I've been called your boyfriend.
And that beats any sting you can inflict.
You are the lowest of the low,
Im glad I was able to get away
cuz *****,
I wouldn't wish you upon my greatest enemy.
I seriously need to see a shrink
after you.
You caused me so many problems.
I kept going back.
how could I be so dumb?
Answer
because you made me believe you loved me,
only to drop me like a sack of bricks
I have finally gotten over you.
But the disgust still lingers
I would shake your hand and say goodbye,
*but then I'd need to buy more disinfectant

You, honey
You are so beautiful.
You are the one I want to be with forever
You,
You are so stunning.
Call me insane,
But I want to give you my life.
The way you are.
With me.
The way you look
At me.
I can't control myself.
I feel my heart thump.
It keeps going.
I cannot work up the nerve to say something.
I'm too scared you'll leave me.
And thats the point.
I'm scared
I'm scared that if I ask again
You will introduce me to hell.
I want you so bad.
But I know you will never love me.
I want to hold you,
To show you that I'm different
different
I swear.
I want you.
You don't understand.
I think about you every **** day.
Everyday I think about what we could be.
Am I a creep for that?
All these ambitions,
All these feelings
Cooped up inside this body I call my own.
I want to kiss you.
So so bad.
I want to feel what perfection feels like against my lips.
That is who you are.
Perfection.
I know you don't think so.
But no one thinks of themselves as perfect.
That's the beauty of others telling you that you are.
It lifts you.
And that's what I want to do.
I want you to feel beautiful,
Because you are
Describing you is impossible.
Yet I try so hard.
Can you see I'm struggling?
Honey,
I love you.
You will never know.
I wish I could tell you
I have.
Here.
Tonight.
This is it.
I love you
I,
Love
You.
So
God
****
Much
Do you love me?
How could you?
I'm me, right?
I am not worth your kiss.
But I still strive to meet your expectations.
**** for getting so close.
I wish,
My one wish
Is to have you
forever
Am I too much?
Has this gone too far?
I'm so afraid
But
Honey,
This is all I know how to do.

when you hit the like button,
and the heart turns red,
or you reshare my work,
it revives me.
Someone always likes something.
Oh and how heartwarming it is
when you leave me a comment.
It fills my spirit,
to know you like what I wrote,
and you cared enough
to read my words.
For you, the viewer,
I respect you.
Everything you are.
I read your comments,
each and every one.
I appreciate them all,
and this is how I thank you.
I really love
how you build me up,
and how you are there for me
when I need you.
Thank you truly
from the bottom of my heart.
You truly make me
bleed diamonds.

I love the voices
the cheer
the madness
the love
the rage
the rush
There is nothing quite like being cheered for.
Like when me and my band play their favorite song.
THE CROUD GOES CRAZY
And I soak it up.
The ultimate cure to depression?
Join a band
perform
and Scream
#Metalcore

I bled for you,
I gave into you,
I wanted to make you happy.
I have an evil soul
I can never be made whole.
No room for a savior.
No way for anyone to save me
Paint me a picture
Make the world look so much better.
There is so much that is not okay.
So much pain
Every mistaken day.
Make me feel
Something real
Little child, such kind eyes
Don’t listen to these lies
They try to take you.
They try to break you
Don’t listen.
I am broken.
I feel nothing inside.
Lie to me
Tell me everything is okay
Lie to me
Open my eyes to a perfect world.
Make it like
The pain was never there.
Abusive scars just disappear.
Make me feel human
Tell me something I want to hear
Cause right now I can’t survive.
Pretend to love me
Pretend to know me
Give me a friend
Give me a lover.
Give me one more reason to live.
The gun
Is awful close
I can taste
The copper against my tongue.
I can’t breathe
Are you listening?
If I say
‘’I love you”,
Would you stay?
I know I am ugly, I am garbage
Which is why I need just one friend.
Tell me everything is okay.
Make me feel again.
Please revive my soul.
I don’t care
If what you say is true
I just need to hear it.
Been so alone
I can hear the world mocking me.
Night after night
Day after day
Depression holds me at ransom
Taking all the joy I ever knew.
Romanticize me,
My life depends on it,
*My life depends on it

If poetry dies
We all fall apart.
If poetry dies,
Will the sun not shine anymore?
Because the sun is poetic in its own way.
It radiates.
It illuminates.
It inspires.
And if poetry dies
Art dies.
Poetry is everything.
Its existed for centuries.
See this is brought people together since forever ago.
And today, it brings us together.
you and me
And whoever else's poems you delight yourself with.
We create a community.
Here
On this site.
People from all over the world.
Each of us with a story to tell
And one talent we show
poetry
Isnt it great?
A tradition that must live on.
The art of emotion
Some complex
Others delightfully simple.
Poetry
Creates us,
Our creativity
And the desire to write something new
Something **great

Bullies are just bullies, right?
But what if its your *father?

My birthday is in 6 days.
***** 'em

Justice, justice!
When will we see it?
One little country, far from its roots.
Justice, justice
Where’s true liberty?
Truth is the never was, never is
Never will be equality!
too many people lose their way!
Corruption
Legal destruction
What do lives mean anymore?
Its time to stand
Its time to speak
It’s time to raise your voice
Sing it!
Justice, justice
Where is our freedom?

Justice, justice, will we ever be free?
These days,
It’s so hard to see
But you will never silence me
why are we scared of the police?
We gave them power
To protect in every hour, but now that we’re standing,
Who can make us fall?
Justice, justice,
Was there ever any?
…
We the people
In order to establish a more perfect union
Will oppress those in need
And give the power to the rich
We the people,
Will never have any power
We the people
Have had enough
Tell me this is justice
Tell me you are justified
tell me this is justice
Look me in the eye and tell me!
Silence me, I’ve proven my point
For ideas will forever run,
Bullets make you
Words make me
Here’s a punchline
Remember who you are!
When there are kids still hungry,
People getting hurt
Vets in the service
All of them never taken care of
A broken system,
Don’t take a genius to see. Call this propaganda
But I just can’t see it continue
So
Give me justice, or give me death
Justice or death

Images of your face crowd my mind.
Beauty in all you are.
I found that picture from when we where kids.
Best friends then
Best friends now.
But there is something i havnt told you.
See i think i love you.
I find myself thinking about you more than a friend should.
I think about how much we've grown together.
I think about the times ive cried on you, and you on me.
All the times you have told me you might sorta like me.
I want to be more, best friend.
Usually lovers are best friends.
And i feel our connection goes beyond holding hands.
We should be cuddling in my old treehouse.
We should be us
Best friend,
*be my girlfriend?

I remember thad day.
I came into school in the usual way
Except
I did not look usual
My usual jeans and polo shirt was at home
And instead
I came in with a suit and tie.
Your face was priceless.
You never saw me
As a suit and tie kind of guy.
You hugged me,
Your body  unusually tight  on mine
You just held me.
You gave me a long stare,
Bit your lip,
" you look good in a suit and tie"
You  said.
Impressed as you were,
You looked away.
People were  coming.
You kissed me
and left
You let me know you love me.
I felt so high.
Kind of like
A suit and tie kind of guy.
I looked okay.
You swore i looked amazing.
You wanted me
To be your guy
forever
We made out alot
You really really liked me that day.
The next day you asked
"Hows my suit and tie kind of guy? "
And i simply said hello
She asked me to wear the suit more and more
Each time she found more appeal.
I loved wowing her.
She loved my style.
Its been a while now
Funny thing was
She was never truly mine.
We never made it official.
Now that shes away.
I really
Want to be
Her
Suit and tie kind of guy

I love to hear a guitar wine,
and I love to hear musician's voices shine.
My life seems worthless,
but i live.
I do not praise Jesus for this miracle,
but music.
Music has brought me up from the lowest places.
Music saved me from the meanest faces.
I can't decide how to feel,
when all I hear
is music.
I feel the rush,
I feel the emotions.
The squeal of a violin
makes me crave emotions.
The beat of drums make my heart thump fast.
The flow of the voices
guides my blood.
Lord, I love music.
I love the way they fill my ears,
and echo through my heart.
Its fair to say,
I live
because of music

Going down today's rabbit hole
*what the **** am i gonna find this time

https://youtu.be/_F3B7hMbtB0

You are either going to love this one or hate it, though I know what I am voting for, see, because they talk about curiosity, but I am curious about you.
I’m curious how you got the moon to pair with your eyes making them so big bright and beautiful.
I’m curious how you know what to say to make me smile, how you know exactly what to say to make my insecurities go away.
Like how can you know me so well, and make my heart swell, and make it so hard to tell you, that I might have a thing for you.
I’m curious on how your smile resembles the face of god, how perfect people are not supposed to exist, but yet here you are.
I’m curious to know how such a person like you could even stand to talk to a person like me.
Yeah, and I want to know how you make my heart flutter, and how every time we talk you always end up making me stutter,
and I am curious to know how you got so good at being so cute. You are always telling me that taking risks is a good thing, and this, this is my risk. I am opening my heart, and pouring my soul onto this page, and I am preparing to sink or swim.
I want to know how my mind is always so confused when I’m with you, and I am curious if there is some way that these emotions are mutual. Because *** right now I got a lot of kids wondering, A. Who’s he talking about * B. this is awkward and strange, or C. this is terrible.*
But for everyone else, please forgive me, but this is necessary. This is the only way I could think of telling her I think I like her. See, I know I’m not really a likable guy, but girl I am telling you, you are able to make me fly. I believe in everything when you’re around. It’s like your laugh is fuel, and your smile is the plane, your feet must be hurting, because you run marathons through my brain. I can’t quite make sense of this feeling, but believe me, I am telling you, you are perfect in every way. It tears me when you give in to your insecurities because there is so much I can tell you to build you up, but I’m scared. Your truth is beautiful. I love you for you, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m just scared because this feeling is fragile, and like glass, it can break quickly. But I need to tell you this, and I know this isn’t much but this is my truth. If I could spill out my heart on this page, I would, but the ink would smear.
I’m curious how your night was, I care about your emotions, I carry your words with understanding. I want to tell you straight up, but my smile might fade, and a lot of people are probably going to through me shade for this, but this is worth the humiliation and teasing, I am willing to do this, put myself down like this for you. I am telling you my genuine feelings for you, standing here feeling like I am back in elementary passing notes asking you to check yes or no. I want you so bad, but I am scared because as I am speaking, you are here listening to me. For all I know you could be examining my flaws, but I hope that you are hearing this, and knowing that this is your poem.
I am curious to know how you are able to inspire me so much to do something as crazy as this. It’s easier to talk about depression or abuse, but this is the cheesy roses are reds violets are blue thing, but wait, I got a good ending for that one, too! It’s like roses are red, violets are blue, but not a flower brighter than my feelings for you. I know this poem is not perfect, but I am trying because you are the definition of perfection. I trust you with this, I trust that you know who you are. This flow of words can be dedicated to you. This is my roundabout way of telling you, I like you.
So I’m curious to know,
*If you could somehow like me too.

Has anyone ever told you that you're like a cloud?
...

**the moment you go away everyone else's day gets brighter

Paradox
One:  Pain
Two:  Fear
Three:  Tears
It all starts with pain,  
Just that one little word.
It starts with the very thing that’s kept us alive even when you know that there is no way out of pain.
Like the voice of the voiceless.
Echoing off the walls with a burning hate because no one would listen to them.
You see the paradox in happiness
It’s the seed that has been planted inside our heads ever since we were kids playing in the sandbox.
Everyone telling you, “smile, sit up straight. And…mind your manners.”
Our younger selves hushing our mouths when told. Us feeling happy without knowing what happiness really even was, because all we had to go off of was a sitcom TV show.  
It’s funny the world is crashing right next to our ear, and yet we don’t hear the devastation.
When the feeling of safety slowly vanishes into a house of harm.
When tears turn into fears.
Day turns to night.
People tell you everything is going to be okay, when you know it’s not.
The only way that you can escape is by plastering on a smile, but the smile turns to a lie, and with every smile you give, another scar begins to form.
Every tear that has been dropped forms into a demon, taunting us with regrets and insecurities, mocking us with a mist only to be seen by the wicked.  
And yes, it is scary when those insecurities grow to be everything you are.
Like when you walk, you wonder if it’s not the right walk, and when you smile, you wonder if it’s a crooked smile, even though it’s not.
And you see, everyone is fighting their own battle.
They are raising their swords high, only to get knocked into yet another grave.
They fight the brutal wars.
They endure the warfare of hate, and unacceptance.
And the worse thing is that some wars never end.
How can we not see how our actions take hold of everyone we talk to, because even when denial exists,
we all know that there is something that has us by the neck.
The cold days exist
and how are we expected to make it warm when isolation is so real, so cold
when we feel like every door has been slammed in our face.
Every single emotion is a paradox.
It always contradicts itself.  
The paradox begins when we all take the sigh of relief that was cursed.
That one breath that we were never meant to take.
The heaviness of the chest, as the heart thumps once, thumps twice.
The feeling of anger when told to get over it.
You know, it seems like everybody else has it all set, but do they?
The answer is that no one is truly okay.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we are all united.
We are linked by the pain that has gripped us into the fiery depths of the unspeakable.
We can hold the building that threatens to crush us by seeking the most unlikely of allies.
Because maybe you have differences,
but inside they have ghosts too,
that follow and torment just as well as you do.
They know the feeling of hosting a virtual party that only has one guest.
Yourself
And some days that is all that you think you have to help you.
Yourself.
However
“When you seek, you shall find.”
And as long as you can breathe a little longer, you can survive.
Once you can grow up to yourself and tell the demons to go back to hell.
Once you can put together the pieces, connect the dots, read the hidden lines.
Once you open your eyes and see pain.
Once you can give the voiceless a voice.
Then, and only then you can bring the paradox to a close.

"Dont question me he said"
(huh?)
"Its not good enough"
(well ****...)
"You are a ******"
(ooh thats a new one)
"Its my way or the highway"
(narcissist)
He held his ground
(with a big wooden paddle)
My *** was the targetboard.
Friends told me to take it...im a man
Your 15 they said.
(It still hurts)
He took the liberty of ruining my life.
(what a pleasure!)
He fed on my tears.
All i wanted was an end.
But know
I see a shrink
Once a week
To "discuss" my....well.....me
Because IM THE ONE with issues.
Because getting hit and tortured makes a kid normal and....happy.
WRONG.
Because i remember everything.
I am left to dream about every bruise
I am left for dead
In my head.
I am tormented with the want for an explenation.
I am ok
(syke)
I am just an overreacting teen
(are you ******* nuts?!?!)
Vicious.
(not even, fam)
Look.
I need help.
But he,
He needs death.
Thats the only cure for him.
Dad.
No.
P.o.s?
Yep
Loser?
Yep.
****?
Yep
******?
Totally.
I­ have no respect
(i know)

When I was a kid
The world seemed so simple
I was always too caught up in imaginary worlds
I was always too concerned with my Legos
Than to see what world I was really living in.
See when I was a kid
Toys were my escape.
If I had a bad day at school
I went straight to play with my figures
When I was a kid, I didn’t worry about opinions
I didn’t worry about safety
I didn’t worry about my future.
Now, things are different
The world is changing.
The world is moving too fast
And I can’t find a good place to take a break.
I have changed so much from that little boy sneaking toys to school.
I have changed.
I have changed from having blind faith,
Only believing in something and someone because I was told to.
Now, I make decisions for myself.
Now, I am not scared to say no to something,
Because now I know that this is my life.
I am in control.
Sometimes I think about my life so far
What I have been through and what I haven’t
My mind often wonder to the man who calls himself my father.  
And his anger towards me.
Because already, at the age of 15
I have done more things than has done.
He doesn’t like that I try my best
That I find new ways to make a living.
He wants me to fail to somehow prove himself right
He wants me to fight
Throw the first punch and wait for me to catch on to his rage
And to that I say, “Act your age”
Yes, you are 42 and acting like you are two.
When I was a kid and when my toys were my escape
He was the one to throw them in the trash.
He was the one to fan away my thought clouds,
Crush my imagination
And cut open my happiness with no emotion like tearing open a letter.
That’s why I have vowed to become better.
No longer am I angry with the abuse that I went through.
No more do I leech on to the thought of revenge.
And why?
Because hate soaks through people like a sponge.
It is just waiting to be squished out.
Instead of trying to ruin his life, I will instead work on rebuilding mine.
Because one day my pity that I conjured up for him
Will come back for someone that I will inevitably sadden.
I may have been raised by a monster
But that doesn’t mean that I cannot prosper.
I see his life with a special lens
I try to analyze his pain so I know how to fix my own
I take notes on his mistakes so I know how to prevent my own.
He has never been anything but an open textbook,
Full of lies,
But a beacon of hope to recognize those lies.
To become better.
To study a psychopath but never become one.
Yes, I am filled with anger,
But I have seen first handedly how anger screws someone.
I hold on because I know that there are a million kids who have had it worse than I.
The unfathomable courage that they have to wake up every morning.
I never asked for this kind of life,
But it makes one hell of a stepping stone for me.
It allows me to recognize not just his evil in the world,
But the evil that exists in this life that we are all living.
There was never just one issue.
Never just one timeless conflict that consumed happiness over the last 2000 years.
There was never just one root that poisoned the rest of the tree,
No instead it was people like us who were more than capable of change
But never chose to stand.
It was the people who watched
The bystanders that ******* it up for the rest of us.
But I’ll be the first to say that I am willing to stand if you will
So the question really is,
What don’t you like
Why don’t you like it
And what are you gonna do about it.
We don’t have to be a revolutionary,
Im not trying to give that impression.
What I am saying is that it is time for us to do something
Anything
Because if we don’t,
We will be forced to watch the world fall.

somehow,
I allowed you to defeat me.
Somehow,
I allowed you to demote my very existence.
Somehow,
I let you convince me that depression was not real.
I let you convince me that depression is just a way for attention.
Your wrong.
Somehow,
I gained the strength to tell you now,
that you are wrong.
You are wrong about people,
you are wrong to hate race,
you are wrong to hit.
You are wrong to say racial slurs,
you are SO wrong.
You are wrong when you say that I manipulate everything.
You are wrong about ME.
You are wrong about women,
and you were wrong about YOURSELF

The first time i saw you
I witnessed the clouds part.
You were simply walking
I thought to myself, holy ****
Because
I'd never seen
Someone as cute as you in my life
cliche right
No.
Because see you looked at me too.
And i must ask
what were you thinking?
If...
Anything at all.
I found myself thinking of you all day
Nothing lustful,
No
Just innocent thoughts.
I thought about how clear your eyes are
And how much i would like to talk to you.
Im a loverboy.
God i know.
And i fall easy.
But trust me,
I want you
You are different.
Just like me.
And i value that.
I value you
I know these words are words.
But i am trying to be brave.
See
i dont like to be brave
But you are worth humility
Worth slander
Worth anything.
You took my heart that day.
And if its okay with you,
Id like to implement a no returns policy
Im a simple guy
But my feelings for you are joyfully complicated.
I looked in the mirror that day.
i took a **** good look at myself
And i came to the conclusion that i couldnt win a girls heart like yours.
But i know.
i know
That you dont love for the appearence.
Every time we meet
You greet me with a warm smile,
tight hug
And i hope
You see something in me that you like
Right?
God i hope so.
I can never find the words to tell you
But
Here it is.
I like you.
(As i fall over in ******* relief)

Im waiting for the sting.
For the gunshot that ends me.
Im waiting for you to give up on me.
Im scared that
In the midst of my happieness
You will come forth and mention your upmost sadness.
Im afraid you are gonna hurt me
(yes, guys get hurt and remember it too)
Im waiting for you to realize what a ****** i am.
I wait for the day you find someone better.
And though you tell me im the one,
I still have nightmares of abandonment.
Its not your fault.
Maybe i should just believe in love,
in you
But im scared
Cause ive put my faith in places before,
*and was met with overwhelmong dissapointment