This is a hard stone world that we live in
Where air gets covered up by cement
And bugs get squashed on windshields!

It's a crazy thing
love, fear, instinct, self preservation, human interaction.
I loved you for so long
and the thought of losing you killed me.
I thought, surely,
if you were gone
I wouldn't be able to survive
if you were taken away from me, that is.
But when I chose to leave,
everything becomes okay, for me at least.
you were still gone
but it was my choice
and you don't affect me anymore.
Isn't it so strange
how the simple choice
of you being taken or me letting go
is the difference between acceptance
and depression.

"People often are the reason I break down"

"You shouldn't give people the power to control your emotions"

"you arrogant ******* you're a horribly insensitive father"

Push...

(in a loud voice)
"DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY! GO TO YOUR ROOM"

"Dad-- don't give me the power to make you angry. Control your own emotions."
"You Ignorant *****"

For my birthday
you bought me my favorite book
That I already had
for your birthday
I bought you
the party

when you met the new boy at school
I told you he wasn't a good guy
you did not listen
when you told me
that the boy I'd known my whole life wasn't a good guy
I list without question

last night
you told me that your mother did not approve of my new haircut
this fact I already knew
last night you told me that you are uncomfortable and ashamed standing next to me
this fact I did not know

8 years ago when I met your parents
I was astonished and ashamed to stand next to them
for they pinned you to the wall like a dartboard
like a piece of meat for their game
they pushed pins in you of self doubt
of self hate
They said to you word I had never heard and adult say to a child before
if they could they would have cut into your flesh themselves
taking razors to every fat cell they did not like
8 years ago I stood up to them
to do what you never could
1 week ago even after you stoped listening to me I stood up to them
I tried as desperately as I could to take away their words

now
I stand here as your own personal dartboard
and because of that
I am now ashamed for you to call yourself my friend

I want to write a number poem
So,

1) the number of boys I fallen in love with

2) the number of houses you lived away from me

3) the years it's been since we broke up
I know this isn't how number poems work but let's skip,
to five 5

5) the months we were together

7) the days a week I think of you

how about 12)
the month you broke up with me

21) the day you broke up with me

22) what would have been our 6 months

183) the number of days we were together

1,000,000) the number of times I've come back to you

3,159,353,015) a number I will always remember for you

∞) the amount of people I tried to replace you with

∞) the number of times I've cried over you

∞) the number of people I've dragged into this

∞) the number of poems I've written you
letters I've written you
texts I've written you

∞) the number of hours we spent on the phone

∞) The number I hold in the pit of my stomach because I know it will never be us.

My head is hitting the ceiling
My spine is bent and my neck is pushing up the tiles on the ceiling as I walk
My body is too tall for me

I, inside my body, sink forward
In agony
In smallness

But my body keeps growing up
And now, I am hungover
My head and my feet both touch the floor like a bent tree

My face is melting onto the ground
Where as my legs are crushing the ceiling
I fold in half at the thighs

And then the knees and then the calves and then the ankles
And now I’m lying face down on the floor
Seeping into the tile.

I forgot your birthday, after 9 years.
But you were the one who left in the first place
and I have no reason to forgive.
So I will only continue to forget.

Did you know,
Boys from other countries don't think girls have cooties
in 7th grade that sounded great
Because ‘Lee’ Wasn't scared to stand close to me
or admit that he lied to me
okay maybe not all foreign men were like this,
but he was
it made me feel empowered when a boy like me like this
I felt like,
“yeah, I did this to you”
“I have the power to make you feel this way”
“I am that ******* awesome”

You know what else made me feel
“that ******* awesome”
A school dance
or any kind of dancing for that matter
nothing could bring me down from that high

dancing was never a thing reserved for one person
dancing was for friends
Was for anyone I could drag onto the dance floor
Who would move with me
even if the movements are few and far between
even if the movements didn't look pretty at all
we were dancing
and we would all night

‘Lee’ went to that dance
that 7th grade dance
Right after football practice
he came in late
found me on the Dance Floor
captured me
took me hostage
We did not dance
he sat on the bench

he sat way too close, on the bench
The dance was no longer for friends
it was not for dancing
the dance was now for fake smiles
fake laugh
pretending not to be uncomfortable
not to want to shed the layer of skin he was touching
Choking down the icy pop he bought
I don't eat icy Pops

There was no Rescue Mission
only uncomfortable stairs
uncomfortable hugs
Uncomfortable conversations
Uncomfortable,
favorite/not-favorite part of the year

Did you,
know boys from other countries
can intimidate
a girl with the world at the tip of her fingers
A girl with a glass half-full,
heart overflowing,
selfless,
Pure,
Altitude.
Clean,
Mind.

Did you know a boy who isn't scared to Hold Your Hand
isn't scared to make you uncomfortable.

Look
I know this may sound selfish
or childish
irealistic
but I just
Can't
I need you to agree with me right now
to just say yes
say okay
let me do as I wish
Let me put off--
whatever I’m putting off
Please
For a little bit longer

I don’t really know how to explain
Standing in this silent/not silent house
The sounds are almost distant
Like they’re far away
And I feel like there’s just too much going on
Like,
I can’t manage to start anything
cause there’s too much to start

So,
I know it’s hard to
conceive
To understand this request
As more of a mental health need,
But if you could just--
Go along with it
If you could just--
Agree
That would help a lot

So if you wouldn’t mind
Just forgetting whatever you’re asking of me,
just for 20 minutes
Please
and thank you.

I'm sitting in the car
I'm sitting in the dark
I don't want to go in
to leave this place
this safe space
I want to curl into a ball
to leave
to go somewhere else
Why?
I don't know
my home isn't broken
the people in that house aren't hurting
but I don't want to be in that place
not even in my bed
in my room
alone

I'm sitting in my car
I'm sitting in the dark
staring at the light soaking through the walls
stress hanging from the rooftop like christmas *****
I just want the dark
the small dark
somewhere else
anywhere else
the lights look like spotlites
I don't want spotlites
I want small dark and alone
I want away
far away
to escape
somewhere they can't find me
where they'll never find me

I'm sitting in the floor under my stearing wheel
I'm depressing into the dark

I Send my words hurling into your airway like swords
I bite off your tongue with every sharp response my body conjures
I have every witty comeback on speed dial to drill into your spine
The way your gays drilled into mine Pull old pennies from my pockets and throw them into your eyes
So you may not look at me the way you have for so long
You're are barely worth my pennies anyways
Here's a donation to your sorry ***
How about I grasp your neck, at just the right spot, just hard enough, to crush your voice box
To dwindle your air pipe just a little
So you cannot throw those trash comments at anyone else
How about I crack each of your fingers
Push them deep into your pockets
So that you can't feel anything without remembering me
You look at me like a mannequin in the window of your favorite retail store
You try yo put a price on what I'm worth
Maybe you can try me on
Throw me on the floor
Grab another
How about I tattoo my name on your chest
So that you cannot take off another piece of clothing
Take off another girl
Throw them in the floor
And not remember me
You will never throw me on the floor again
For I am permanently burned into your chest
How about I burn off each hair on your body
One at a time let it Sizzle down and sear the skin
Let each tiny poor feel the pain one at a time over and over and over again
Until you are left, raw

This
Is the day I speak back when you catcall me from across the street

I'm restless
and tired
my bones ache
and my head throbs

I feel like energy is still draining from my fingertips
from my elbows
from my back

draining into their grasping
tiny
clammy
hands

I feel like there's not enough energy to lift my eyebrows

my jaw is sore
and my throat is swolen
and there's no more voice left inside me

like they've taken all of it already

my eyelids can't move as much as to blink
they're stuck in a Perpetual state of slightly open
with an unending glare behind your head
through your face
like you were a ghost
A thousand yard stare

there is nothing left of me

but I love the people who took my everything

the tiny
clammy
sirens

and they're not even mine

Thank you!
You've done so much for me without even noticeing.
To you, I was probably just some girl you didn't want to be rude to,
and that's fine.
Because that's all I needed to be
for you to be what you were to me.

My first girl crush.
My first Butch bubble of an infatuation.
You were one of the best things that could have happened to me,
the first person who was what I wanted.
So all I can say to you is thank you.
Even if you'll never hear it.

Death brought my family together
In some ways
We're Kinder to each other
We say I love you more
We talk more

But not about us
Its always about you

It's been a couple of months since the cousins and I have spoken about anything other than the funeral

Where were you when you got the call?
What were you doing?
How did you react?
You thought it was a joke at first?
Really you wanted it to be a joke!

Who did you tell?
How fast did you drive?
What did she look like when you saw her?
Do you remember the last thing she said to you?
Has she said anything to you since--?

Death brought my family together
But not in a way I would like

Death knocks on the door with flowers
She does not answer

He knocks again
She blocks the door

He shouts her name
She buys a new houses

He comes again
And she builds a Panic Room

He shouts once more
And she locks the Panic door

He breaks into the house
And she blockades the hallway

He rattles the handle
She puts in ear plugs

He kicks and he screams
And she goes to sleep

Alone
In her chamber of solitude
With nothing
And no one
Left
Dreaming peacefully
As he breaks down the door

Death runs in my family,
And it might run in yours

It runs and plays its taunting games-
Tagging passers by

But never staying long enough-
For them to say goodbye

They only suffer In agony
In sickness but not in death

Beware when death runs in your family
For it might run into you next

I distract myself
filling time slots and empty Windows
blaring nonsense instead of sitting in deafening silence

I beat at my own skull
pulling my eardrums out like string from my head
watch videos on tying nuces
anything,
to keep me busy
anything,
to keep me from doing the actual hanging

because right now
I'm sitting in silence,
and it's like a timer
it's like I'm just counting the seconds before I start crying
how long can I last?
1 minute,
2,
5
it's a waiting game
so instead
I distract myself
I watch TV
and YouTube
scroll through Instagram and Pinterest until I run out of pictures
I talk to myself
I beat myself until the thoughts go away
or... turn a blind eye,
until I'm so good at pretending that I can pretend they're not even there
until distraction is my second nature
because...
Don't you see?
Can you understand?
It's the only way I can stay alive

i never play it too safe
i jump in head first
and hope for wings to sprout

because even if you fail
have you ever seen anything more beautiful
than watching the world
as you fall, infinitely, downwards

Open your hands slowly towards each other
fingers reaching like lost lovers
each with their own soulmate
they meet each other with a kiss
no lust
just love,
slowly trembling to each other
embracing in a long hug.
comforting
wrapping around each other

it's silent
They're holding each other in safety
the manner of love to attain to
like a dance in the dim
of pure,
Shown,
but unspoken,
love.

It’s been 17 years since your birth
Yet there isn’t a number to describe what your worth
It is more than the count of curls on your head
More than the amount of books that you’ve read
You could count all the stars and they wouldn’t compare
To the kindness you give and the love that you share
I’ll wish you much luck when you travel around
And when your head’s in the clouds don’t forget to look down
Because we’ll lose our smiles
But we’ll see yours for miles
What’s special about you, Gillian, my love
Well it’s just that, it’s your love

Give me pretty
give me sunflower dancing
and petals turning
give me
coachella girls

give me pretty
give me layers of long see through skirts
and dresses
and Shaw's

give me pretty
give me dancers without teachers give me dancer with the wind as their muse

give me pretty
give me bouncing
give me everything's spinning
and turning
and lifting
and flying

give me flying
give me eyes closed
head back
arms stretched
fingers reaching

give me pretty
give me white linen pretty

Is there a correct set of words,
To describe my relationship with God?
Because the words I’ve settled on don’t portray the magnitude of my emotions

Those words begin…

God is there
I know this because of the flowers
The way that earth is balanced
How pine-cones, leaves, and petals follow the Fibonacci sequence.
How the stars make me feel so…
Surrounded
And never bore me
No matter how many hours I stare into the heavens beautiful eyes

I know God is there
But I often don’t see him.
The funny thing is,
I know how wonderful it is to see
and to know him.
So the times I doubt him the most,
Are the times I serve him the most
the time that I strive to create the most disciples

God is a funny being.
We know nearly nothing about him
Yet so many of us know him
And we know him by different names
And different faces
Isn’t that funny?
Isn’t it all so funny?

I can still taste the kisses you left on my lips
Tonight before bed I will pray that they never go away
And I will slip into dream with the memories of today held softly on my tongue

(Meant to be read in the voice of a child)
Grandma says, that she grew up in the water
She says that she lived on the edge of a place called Myrtle Beach
That she could drive 15 minutes and then jump into the sea

She says- that the smell of sea salt and seagrass is the smell of home
And that she can still hear the sounds of crashing waves on an empty beach
She says that the best feeling was sinking under a wave and watching the crisp clear current pull the water over her--

I told her that I went to a beach too!
Momma took me back to where she used to live
To get to the beach we had to cross two bigggg rivers
Grandma said that one of those was a creek when she was my age.
That men dug the other-- by hand a long time ago 90 feet across
But they are much bigger now!

I told Grandma that when I got to the beach, there were a bunch of buildings, right there in the water
I said it was silly of people to leave buildings in the water like that.

I asked-- if we tried to keep those buildings out of the water
And she said no...

I asked-- if we knew they were gonna get so wet
Grandma said-- that we knew since the 1950’s
She told me about a scientist named Edward Teller
Who gave a big speech to the important people
He predicted the future in 1959
And told them the ice was going to melt.

I asked why we let it melt...
and then grandma got real quiet...


...I’ve-- seen pictures of the ice in school.
--We learned about polar bears and penguins
We even went to visit them in the zoo
My teacher said they only live in zoos now.

We-learned-about-coral-too!
We learned-- that they are animals that look
kind-of like rocks
-Or like plants!
-Or like jellyfish!
We learned that fish like to live there-
Fish like the ones in NEMO!
My teacher said there’s not much coral left...

I asked--
why the coral at the aquarium
didn’t look all bright and colorful like the movies
I asked-- why there were no Nemo’s in the aquarium
I asked-- what that big ocean current was called
I asked-- if sea turtles still ride in the E..ast Austra...lian current

She said that the Clown fish died when the coral was bleached
-And there aren’t many sea turtles
-And there is no more current
-Because the waters are too warm

I asked how the water got so warm,
I asked-- Who Did It!
She said Everyone
And I didn’t understand that

I asked grandma if she did it!
She said yes-I said How

She said every time she drove her car
And every time she flew on an airplane
And every time she used a plastic cup
She released carbon into the environment

I asked how all those things made carbon
She said that carbon comes from burning things
She said that we burn things to make energy

I asked if we could make good energy
She said that we can
We can use water, wind, and sunlight to make
~Clean~ energy

I asked if we made clean energy
Grandma said that only 15% of our energy was clean

I asked how carbon made the water hot
Grandma told me that when carbon goes into the air
It traps heat near the earth
Kind-of like a blanket
And it makes the air warmer

She said that the ocean
and the ocean animals
try really hard to absorb the carbon,
But too much carbon is bad for them

I asked why it was so bad
She said that carbon was an acid
~like lemons~
And when the ocean absorbs the carbon,
The ocean becomes more aaa-cidic
And most fish can’t live in a-cidic water


I remember learning that plankton
can’t live in acidic water either
My teacher said that plankton are very important
They make oxygen
And they feed the fishes
I even heard they used to make the water green

I told grandma
about the field trip my class took to the Smithsonian
There was a new shellfish exhibit
The teacher said
that everything in the room was extinct or endangered
There were *****- and oysters- and corals

The sign said that-
“these shells can’t form in acidic water”
I asked the teacher if ***** and oysters and things were important
She said that they were an ess...ential-
Source of food for coastal communities

I asked if they were so ess...ential--
than why didn’t we protect them…

She told me that some people tried to help
She said people talked about it
and bought less plastic
And supported sus...tan...iable companies
She said that there weren’t enough of those people

I asked-- what could have protected them
She said-- that poli...ticians and CEOs could have protected them
She said-- that if there were laws
restricting or banning fossil fuels
Or carbon emissions
We could have kept the ***** alive

I asked why the poli...ticians didn’t make those laws
She said that the poli...ticians were good friends
With the oil companies
She said that if they made those laws
Their friends would lose money

But that doesn’t make sense because-
Grandma told me
We ended up spending more money
Reacting to climate change
Than it would have taken
To prevent climate change.

I just don’t understand so much--
It doesn’t make sense...

Grandma--
I wanna know why there’s more plastic in the ocean than fish
I wanna know why we wear air masks when we go outside
I wanna know why there are so many hurricanes
And fires
And droughts
And floods
I wanna know why your old house is underwater
I wanna know what waves looked like without trash in them
I wanna know why lady liberty is drowning
I wanna know what hawaii was
I wanna know why california is on fire
And why Charleston doesn’t exist
I wanna know why there’s no coral
Or fish
Or pandas
Or tigers
Or butterflies
I wanna know why there are so many wars over food
I wanna know why we’re out of water
I wanna know why there are walls in the ocean
I wanna know why you didn’t listen to the scientists---

I wanna know why you didn’t do anything to fix it!

Okay so maybe I did cut my hair because I was depressed
and what's wrong with that if I did
a healthy release right
it's not something that I regretted
and I wasn't crying while I did it so
isn't it a good thing
even if that's all shaving my head did
was get me to stop crying for the 10 minutes it took for me to shave it clean
isn't that a good enough excuse
cuz it's a **** good excuse for me

I miss your skin on my skin
It feels like home

How to destroy your daughter in 14 easy steps

1
Give her a pretty good childhood
let her fall in love with playing outside
with running and exploring

2
let her fall in love, with a boy
let her see him everyday
let her text him every second
let her love his every movement

3
take him away
ban her from ever seeing him
talking to him
loving him

4
watch her cry--
and pretend it's not your fault

5
take away her outside
she might see him there
take away her exploring
she might find him there
take away her ability to run
she might run, into him

6
tell her ‘you were too young’

7
tell her ‘you were too naive’

8
tell her ‘he wasn't right’

9
tell me I'm old enough to date

10
tell me/ her* she's not allowed to date

11
Wait--

wait for her to fall apart so bad that she doesn't realize she is broken
Wait,
for 3 years
until she asks for therapy

12
pretend like you care

13
pretend like you don't know why this is all happening

14
it doesn't matter what you do next,
she's broken--
I'm broken.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a beautiful nail bed?

I was once told that if you give people compliments they don't usually receive they'll remember you better
So...

Has anyone ever told you that the freckles on your cheeks remind them of the Galaxy in the sky?
The galaxies that I thank God for every night because they're how I know that there's something bigger than me out there.

Has anyone ever told you the waves in your hair remind them of the Fibonacci spiral?
The one found in flower petals.
The one that so perfectly balances Beauty and nature and science.

Has anyone ever told you that your deep brown eyes look like they hold all of Earth's purity?

And that the Shimmer in them looks just like the Moon's bright light?
It isn't actually shining itself, but whose light comes from something much bigger
and much brighter
and much More Beautiful, than the tiny glimpse of light seen.

Has anyone ever told you that when they see the Shimmer in your eyes they know that the reflected light is coming from your soul?
That it is so bright
and so beautiful
and so endless, that it has found a way to shine into your eyes and out into mine.

Has anyone ever told you that watching you love something is addictive?
Seeing The Unbroken attention
time
and heart, you put into it is mesmerizing.

Has anyone ever told you that your lips look as soft as silk?

Has anyone ever told you that your hug feels like it could cure a heart attack?
The way you're so calm and so warm.

Has anyone ever told you, that they want you to remember them?

I never wonder what it would be like for me to not have my disease
But I do wonder what it would be like to be someone without it

What it would be like to not miss school to see a doctor whose specialty my classmates can't even spell
What it would be like not to take a pill every morning
What it would be like to not face the repercussions of not taking my pill one morning
What it would be like not to pay for the Synthroid
What it would be like to not know anything about it

I think it would be quite ordinary
I think I would be weaker for it
not being able to endure the symptoms
I think I would have less initiative
Not having to take my pill for myself at a young age
I think I would be less curious
Not wanting to know more about myself
I think I'm better off for it

I know more about myself
I know more about the world around me
I know more about perseverance
I know more about medicine
I know more about budgeting
I know more about individuality

I would never want for me to not have my disease
I'm a better person for it

You Hypocrites

You happily dating for 28 years,
Happily married for 20

You highschool sweethearts,
You childhood lovers

You hypocritical children,
With your hypocritical love,
And your hypocritical happiness

You **** proof of young love,
And young relationships

You
You
You
Tell me that I’m not old enough

You **** hypocrites

I called my therapist to tell her I won't be coming in tomorrow because my dog just died and we grieve and then there's Christmas and my uncle has liver failure and then I find a lump in my breast near my 18th birthday my uncle finds  colon cancer I find out the lump is non-cancerous at the same time my aunt finds out hers is cancerous they removed the cancer spot in her breast my sister start having pain worse than she's ever experienced she's crying everyday the doctors don't know what's wrong with her she's going to doctor after doctor and eventually they say it's a kidney stone and they'll do a sonogram soon the procedure is over everything went well  my aunt also comes out of a checkup with more cancer my sister's perfectly good surgery it's her to excruciating days of pain and she has to have a stent put in my grandma gets extra sick her stent causes her even more pain but she passes the kidney stone and eventually distant comes out my uncle thinks he's going to die but my grandma does instead. everyone Grieves. I prepare for college My uncle still thinks he's dying I go to college orientation my uncle dies that's the story of the last 8 months I'll be at College in a few weeks so will my dead uncle's kid and our other cousin there will be hollow family dinners a shell of a family a shell of a home

I am trying so hard
to not let you
let this
be a toxic relationship.

And that

Should not be my responsibility


I don't want to tug-of-war
over weather I should just
be your girlfriend
or if I should be your mother

You don't need another mother
You have the right to do what you want
when you want
Because you're an adult

But I can not let you
use me
As an excuse
to let yourself go

I can not let you
Let this relationship become toxic

I wish that I could
And I've honestly tried
But for me to just watch you ignore your priorities
in order to spend time with me
or goof off next to me
If I could do that
if I could just let you do that
That would mean I did not love you

Because for me
Love is complete care for the other person
love means I care about your mental health and your sleep schedule and your grades and your work
because love to me means
that every aspect of your health and well-being is my top priority

So as much as I want
to let you worry about yourself in your own time
I can't!

I can't talk to you at 11:30 p.m. when you have an essay due at midnight

I can't sit next to you while we study
if I know
you'll spend that whole time trying to get my attention

I can't let you sleep over
when I watch you play on your phone for the two hours we set aside for studying
and you have a test tomorrow

Because I can't love you
And not care for you...

If what you want
Is a relationship
that will distract you from all of your other priorities
You should be with someone else

You should not date me
I can not give that to you
I can not
And I will not
Be a part of a toxic relationship
Whether it is toxic to me or to you.

The kind of relationship I can have
is one where we help each other get through our day
and get through our tasks
and when the day is over
we can escape with each other
-to each other-
to our own little world

I love you
I mean, I love the thought of you
The idea of you
The look of you
You

I'm not, in love with you
Not for now
Not yet,
But I want to mumble it under my breath
It just wants to slip through my lips
To fly out
Because,
You mesmerize me
And give me butterflies
And I love you
I really do.

I'm doing so good
so good
but I know it's just distractions
and what happens when the distractions run out
at what point is getting rid of the bad
by ignoring the bad
a bad thing?

I mean,
it seems good
until you think about it
and I think about it
it's all still there
I just kept tip toeing around triggers in the battlefield of my own mind
and I can't just do nothing
and I can't be alone in the dark

because then I'm not better anymore
and all of that hard work of ignoring and ignoring and distracting and ignoring just crumbles
it all goes to ****
and I'm left sobbing desperately so desperately

so tell me
which is better
being depressed all the time
or distracting myself from my own depression
tiptoeing around my own thoughts and dying a little every time I step on a creaky board

which one is better

Women are so beautiful

take a woman down to her skin
and you can trace the lines of her back
like tracing the curves of silken cloth
every dimple
every curve

the crease of the neck
the elegance of the shoulder blades
the rolling divot of the spinal cord
the curve of her sides
the dimples at the bottom of her spine
her hips
that dint that curves around to her inner thighs
her thighs
her knees
her ankles

the feeling of pressing your naked body up to her naked body
your hands on her hips
your palms in her dimples
your chest on her back
chin in her collar
fingers in her pelvic crease
your lips on her neck
her **** fit into your pelvis
your tongue at her jaw line
hands in between her thighs
teeth pulling at her earlobe
fingers on her ****
her *** on your fingers
your leg wrapped around hers
your hand tracing her outline
like rolling hills
soft
and smooth

she's so beautiful
and it's all so perfect

It was always so beautiful
Was love at first laugh
Always constant, always there
So much love, so much lust
Beautiful Love, Beautiful lust

Imagine
blonde ponytail swinging from brunette root
angled in a straight line with her jaw bone
Pouted lips
and manicured eyelashes
layered in dark,
heavy fabrics
to counter her fair skin
and tall golden brown boots

Her hands are heavy
sharp.
Her eyes are tired
her jaw compresses.
Up and down
chewing on gum
she has a few red scars
scattered on her cheeks
like freckles

She's curved
not necessarily slouched
but more like
it's the only way to fit all of her into her chair
her legs are crossed
her earrings dangle
as if in mid-air

She's thinking,
constantly
thinking

Sometimes I get stuck in this state of Darkness
where my eyes can see
but it's like my head is just pitch black
and I almost wish I couldn't see anything,
like I wish I could just curl myself into a ball so tightly that I disappear from space for a while

sometimes I get stuck in this space
and I feel like my tears and my thoughts
are climbing up my esophagus and clogging my throat
blocking my airway
suffocating me from the inside

maybe I never told you I was depressed because who wants to relive that moment
that choking hazard moment of cotton ***** in my throat

maybe I never told you I was depressed because there are no words I can use to describe it that don't transform themselves into their meanings
that don't take over my mind
crawl through my head like little worms
eating away at my brain
my thoughts
my skin

have you ever thought of a traumatic experience and then felt those events happening again
felt the dark hole of life-threatening-trauma attack your mind
Shiver through your body
like it was a demon you let in through a memory-
through a word

maybe I didn't tell you I was depressed
because I wasn't strong enough
my depression fills me to the brim
fills my head and my chest
my arms and my fingers
I can feel it moving through my body
I can feel it expanding and engulfing everything inside of me
every last vein, nerve, *****, and tissue
how can you expect me to have the energy to fight
how can you expect me to have the energy to pick up the phone
to open my mouth
how can you expect me to have energy-to have the courage to utter the words of how I feel
I feel so worthless
in those moments I feel like there's this black whole inside me and it's consuming everything
it's taking everything but my skin
and it disgusts me

can you imagine the feeling,
having something so utterly repulsive on your skin you had to scrape it off immediately
It felt like you needed to be cleansed
like you needed a shower
take that feeling
now imagine it being under your skin
imagine, every muscle ***** vein nerve every cell in your body underneath your epidermis disgusts you
imagine all you wanted to do was to
GET
IT
OFF
and you can't
no matter how hard you try
you can't scrape it off
you can't claw It off

imagine you're scared of spiders
now imagine you're covered in spiders
and someone's holding down your arms
so you can't get them off
imagine them walking on your skin
in your mouth
crawling on your open eyes
in your ears
you're cringing at your own skin
You can feel them going down your throat
Their disgusting tickle in the pit of your stomach
in every crevice of your body
their tunneling under your skin
and you can't get them off
what are you supposed to do
but cry

My boy told me the other day
That he didn’t have a mother
He only had a babysitter

I say my boy--
The boy at my daycare
The boy with seven siblings
Ripped from five of them
Gained another in the process
Losing mothers like pencils

The mother he has now is a teacher,
No summer job,
But four foster kids to her name
Her summers are free
Her pockets are full
But my boys

They’re still in daycare
Six to six
Or longer
They come with bagged eyes
one in pull ups at the age of five
My boys

Their sister's in the other room
Their mother sits at home
Alone
Doing nothing
Probably drinking
Or anything but mothering

Right now
She’s out of town
There’s a babysitter at home
She picks them up late and drops them off early
They're cranky
And tired
They're getting six hours of sleep
Plus one at naptime

My boys never sleep at nap time
None of them but Isaiah
Isaiah
He loves to talk about his home
Not where they sleep at night
But at home
In Africa
He’ll tell you if you ask
It’s beautiful to hear
The joy filling his face is fixating

But then you see his legs
How they wobble in at the knees
When you see how he sleeps
He rocks himself the whole time
Rocking even through his dreams
It’s all from the orphanage.
The workers couldn’t help him to sleep.
He just turned five.
He starts kindergarten soon,
And he just learned how to spell his name
Everyone else here can read all the names
His and theirs
My boys

I love them with everything I have
And they know that,
But I leave soon.
In a few weeks we all go to school
I’ve been doing this for years, but them,
They haven’t
It’s their first
And I’ll pray
But I hate that all I can do is pray
They deserve more than that.
They deserve attention and love
They deserve hope and security
I can only hope that the next teacher will give that to them
To my boys
To my wonderful boys...

Its strange
I thought I was home

But now I feel like home is curled up next to you

I keep finding peaches
Peaches
I don't think it's possible to not smile when you say the word
they turn my cheeks the same color as their skin
it makes me grin and laugh to see them sunbathing on the banister
lining the window sills like shining trophies
on my porch like children climbing to Set upon the tallest object They can find
beaming as children do

Maybe it's cuz I grew up in the south
Knowing you have to set them out And wait for them to be soft to
     the touch
let them ripen in the Sun so you can then pick your fruit that up
     until now has been forbidden
it's like a little fuzzy ball of gold Sunshine warming your face and
     your mouth
I love the word peaches

maybe it's the memory,
the name,
Peaches
“chin up, peaches”
it carrie's such an innocence such a light-hearted, free-spirited
     happiness.
something warm and welcoming and something I could only find at home

maybe it's the breakfast
peaches and cream
three ingredients
so happy, so creamy, so sweet, smooth, summary, comforting
it's what my grandma would give me
so sugary, yet so filling
it reminds me of her
it tastes how she act
it is her hyperbole
peaches and cream is a grandmother
it's as sweet as her voice
as comforting as her touch
as filling as her hug
and as smooth as her skin.

maybe it's all three
either way
this time of Peach field windowsills will come again next year
and the year after that
and the year after that
until I am the grandmother they represent
and every year, I will smile.