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Bella 14h
You
Know that you are beautiful!
Bella Sep 9
I used to feel angry
I would scream
& I would write
I would be mad at everything

But now I don't move
I just sit
or lay
------
------
------

I can't even pick up a pin
or a tissue

I used to climb the tree in my backyard
or squeeze deep to the back of a closet

now I just let the water run
I say nothing
I do nothing
but sit in the dark rain
     the pitch black--
     drowning--
     silence--
Bella Sep 9
How am I ever to kiss you
if you will never look at me

how will you ever feel my love
if you will never speak to me

how will I ever steal all of your attention
if I don't even know what your attention looks like
Bella Sep 9
I think it's real funny
That you think if you meet someone first that everything's going to be okay

You tell me to be careful
But you squeeze life into these little guidelines

You tell me to watch out
But you think that as long as it follows your little rules
It will be okay

What makes you think you can make my decisions any better than I can
What makes you think you can read my people better than me
You let me date him--
But she wasn't a good guy.

You thought he was
I knew he wasn't.

But you let me go with him
Without question
You didn't even care where we went
Bella Sep 9
One day you grabbed a hold of my voice box and wouldn't let go and you held it for years with every conversation every snarky word and I finally got the courage to pry your hands off of me but my voice is still squished it is crumbles small like a raisin aged in between fingers of stone left for years I'm trying but just as it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks it is also hard to teach myself how to speak again when I was already taught how to not
Bella Sep 9
I took so long to write this note that I ran out of time to give it to you.

Ma'am, I noticed you've been standing up for a long time
By that restroom away from your seat

Others have come and gone but you haven't
And your eyelids look heavy and your feet probably hurt

So I'm wondering if you want my seat
I should stretch my legs for a while and I don't wish to put my chair to waste

...

I am a little worried something happened back there in the back of the plane
In the seat where you aren't

Something that would cause a person to stand sleepy in highheals
Rather than sit in the seat.

Something like someone
Claiming space that wasn't there's

I hope that's not true
I hope you just like to stand

And I hope I didn't spend too long wondering what to do
Instead of doing something
Bella Sep 9
I called my therapist to tell her I won't be coming in tomorrow because my dog just died and we grieve and then there's Christmas and my uncle has liver failure and then I find a lump in my breast near my 18th birthday my uncle finds  colon cancer I find out the lump is non-cancerous at the same time my aunt finds out hers is cancerous they removed the cancer spot in her breast my sister start having pain worse than she's ever experienced she's crying everyday the doctors don't know what's wrong with her she's going to doctor after doctor and eventually they say it's a kidney stone and they'll do a sonogram soon the procedure is over everything went well  my aunt also comes out of a checkup with more cancer my sister's perfectly good surgery it's her to excruciating days of pain and she has to have a stent put in my grandma gets extra sick her stent causes her even more pain but she passes the kidney stone and eventually distant comes out my uncle thinks he's going to die but my grandma does instead. everyone Grieves. I prepare for college My uncle still thinks he's dying I go to college orientation my uncle dies that's the story of the last 8 months I'll be at College in a few weeks so will my dead uncle's kid and our other cousin there will be hollow family dinners a shell of a family a shell of a home
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