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6h · 15
You
Bella 6h
You
Know that you are beautiful!
Sep 9 · 30
Then & Now
Bella Sep 9
I used to feel angry
I would scream
& I would write
I would be mad at everything

But now I don't move
I just sit
or lay
------
------
------

I can't even pick up a pin
or a tissue

I used to climb the tree in my backyard
or squeeze deep to the back of a closet

now I just let the water run
I say nothing
I do nothing
but sit in the dark rain
     the pitch black--
     drowning--
     silence--
Sep 9 · 17
How?
Bella Sep 9
How am I ever to kiss you
if you will never look at me

how will you ever feel my love
if you will never speak to me

how will I ever steal all of your attention
if I don't even know what your attention looks like
Bella Sep 9
I think it's real funny
That you think if you meet someone first that everything's going to be okay

You tell me to be careful
But you squeeze life into these little guidelines

You tell me to watch out
But you think that as long as it follows your little rules
It will be okay

What makes you think you can make my decisions any better than I can
What makes you think you can read my people better than me
You let me date him--
But she wasn't a good guy.

You thought he was
I knew he wasn't.

But you let me go with him
Without question
You didn't even care where we went
Sep 9 · 14
Teachings
Bella Sep 9
One day you grabbed a hold of my voice box and wouldn't let go and you held it for years with every conversation every snarky word and I finally got the courage to pry your hands off of me but my voice is still squished it is crumbles small like a raisin aged in between fingers of stone left for years I'm trying but just as it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks it is also hard to teach myself how to speak again when I was already taught how to not
Sep 9 · 24
Woman on the airplane
Bella Sep 9
I took so long to write this note that I ran out of time to give it to you.

Ma'am, I noticed you've been standing up for a long time
By that restroom away from your seat

Others have come and gone but you haven't
And your eyelids look heavy and your feet probably hurt

So I'm wondering if you want my seat
I should stretch my legs for a while and I don't wish to put my chair to waste

...

I am a little worried something happened back there in the back of the plane
In the seat where you aren't

Something that would cause a person to stand sleepy in highheals
Rather than sit in the seat.

Something like someone
Claiming space that wasn't there's

I hope that's not true
I hope you just like to stand

And I hope I didn't spend too long wondering what to do
Instead of doing something
Sep 9 · 24
I called my therapist
Bella Sep 9
I called my therapist to tell her I won't be coming in tomorrow because my dog just died and we grieve and then there's Christmas and my uncle has liver failure and then I find a lump in my breast near my 18th birthday my uncle finds  colon cancer I find out the lump is non-cancerous at the same time my aunt finds out hers is cancerous they removed the cancer spot in her breast my sister start having pain worse than she's ever experienced she's crying everyday the doctors don't know what's wrong with her she's going to doctor after doctor and eventually they say it's a kidney stone and they'll do a sonogram soon the procedure is over everything went well  my aunt also comes out of a checkup with more cancer my sister's perfectly good surgery it's her to excruciating days of pain and she has to have a stent put in my grandma gets extra sick her stent causes her even more pain but she passes the kidney stone and eventually distant comes out my uncle thinks he's going to die but my grandma does instead. everyone Grieves. I prepare for college My uncle still thinks he's dying I go to college orientation my uncle dies that's the story of the last 8 months I'll be at College in a few weeks so will my dead uncle's kid and our other cousin there will be hollow family dinners a shell of a family a shell of a home
Sep 9 · 117
!
Bella Sep 9
!
This is a hard stone world that we live in
Where air gets covered up by cement
And bugs get squashed on windshields!
Sep 9 · 31
Waiting.
Bella Sep 9
Waiting.
I should calm my nerves

I don't know if I'm nervous because of the possibilities
Or because of the exposure
But I'm shaking-
somewhere between a little and a lot

I've done this before,
but I was with my mom then
I guess the first time is easier
It's not as serious

Its if you have to go back that there becomes a need for concern

But I should try to calm down
It's just a brest exam
My body can only get better from here.?
Sep 9 · 18
Nurse's
Bella Sep 9
The nurse keep saying how hot it is
but my fingers are numb like ice
Doctors can do that to you huh
Bella Sep 9
Held open as if the life was being pulled out of each cell of skin
Left there
Almost drained
But still able
Bella Sep 9
I'm sorry for the day sophomore year in Spanish when I saw you were disappointed in me
I remember your face

I'm sorry for when I forgot it was your birthday
And I'm sorry for being so deep in self-pity that I didn't even talk to you

I'm sorry for sophomore and the better half of junior year when I didn't appreciate you as much as I should have
I'm sorry when you said I was your best friend and I didn't say you were mine
I'm sorry for any time but I scared you or pushed you outside of your comfort zone
for the times that you had to ask me more than once to go home

I think about these times a lot
The times that I disappointed you

These are the times I've been sorry
To: Eli
Sep 9 · 17
.
Bella Sep 9
.
I would make myself silent for you
Pull myself together and be strong for you
I would hold back my tears for you
I would keep my hair long for you
I would dull my personality for you
I would not love myself for you


I thought that I needed to
But you did nothing for me
You only shamed me
And blamed me
You hurled names at me

And now you're ashamed of me.

But your words don't matter to me
Never again will you matter to me.




My note to society.
Apr 2 · 259
Untitled
Bella Apr 2
Trying is the biggest mistake anyone ever made.
Bella Mar 22
My head is hitting the ceiling
My spine is bent and my neck is pushing up the tiles on the ceiling as I walk
My body is too tall for me

I, inside my body, sink forward
In agony
In smallness

But my body keeps growing up
And now, I am hungover
My head and my feet both touch the floor like a bent tree

My face is melting onto the ground
Where as my legs are crushing the ceiling
I fold in half at the thighs

And then the knees and then the calves and then the ankles
And now I’m lying face down on the floor
Seeping into the tile.
Feb 21 · 879
Birthday
Bella Feb 21
I forgot your birthday, after 9 years.
But you were the one who left in the first place
and I have no reason to forgive.
So I will only continue to forget.
Feb 21 · 1.2k
Hypo
Bella Feb 21
I never wonder what it would be like for me to not have my disease
But I do wonder what it would be like to be someone without it

What it would be like to not miss school to see a doctor whose specialty my classmates can't even spell
What it would be like not to take a pill every morning
What it would be like to not face the repercussions of not taking my pill one morning
What it would be like not to pay for the Synthroid
What it would be like to not know anything about it

I think it would be quite ordinary
I think I would be weaker for it
not being able to endure the symptoms
I think I would have less initiative
Not having to take my pill for myself at a young age
I think I would be less curious
Not wanting to know more about myself
I think I'm better off for it

I know more about myself
I know more about the world around me
I know more about perseverance
I know more about medicine
I know more about budgeting
I know more about individuality

I would never want for me to not have my disease
I'm a better person for it
hypothyroidism
Feb 17 · 119
Death runs in my family
Bella Feb 17
Death runs in my family,
And it might run in yours

It runs and plays its taunting games-
Tagging passers by

But never staying long enough-
For them to say goodbye

They only suffer In agony
In sickness but not in death

Beware when death runs in your family
For it might run into you next
Bella Feb 17
To all the boys I've ever loved,
I did not love you
I only loved one of you

You were merely a consumption of time
There to fill the space between crushes
The time between loves
A waiting period until I moved to girls.

I'm sorry for that
For stealing away innocence for my own amusement
I've been trying to stop

So to all the boys I've never loved
I can only hope for you to forget me
To forget what I taught you
To return to your original self
You were so much better then,
Without me
Feb 17 · 89
Continue Walking
Bella Feb 17
I have learned to continue walking without your touch
listen to the silence and no that it's okay
I do not Crave Your Skin anymore
I do not need it
I can go through my day without you

I've learned other ways to cope
I have adapted to my surroundings
and you are not one of them anymore
I once needed your touch to get through the day
and I don't now
I've gotten used to there being no one there
I am no longer dependent

and I'm a little more detached that way
Feb 17 · 69
Memento
Bella Feb 17
Heavy and cold you hang from my neck,
pressed against my skin.
A memory of a person I never truly knew.

You are what I have of him
Well, I have lots from him,
for his house was a treasure Trove like an old antique shop,
but you are unique.
You don't hold sentimental value but
your weight around my neck feels meaningful.

You are a memory, you're just not mine.
But I take you as a heavy memento,
something to have and hold from a man I did not know.
A man of which my father was Ken.

So, heavy and cold you will remain hanging around my neck,
sinking into my plush ***** against my sternum.
As a memory of a man
I will never truly know.
My absent grandfather's army necklace
Feb 17 · 273
Party Balloon
Bella Feb 17
Tucked away
in a small corner
at the edge of the room
away from the people
ducking it's head just a little
sinks a balloon
nudging side to side next to the fish tank.

Dressed up too loud for its own good
like,
how tumbler it would be to look so bright and to be so social at such a party
with people it's never seen?

It's awkward
floating back and forth like it doesn't know where to be, or
how to take up less space, or
how to deflate without anyone noticing.

It sinks lower.

The others are floating at the party on the ceiling
It's even lower than the people
them, all 5 foot nothing
and it still sinks.

I can relate to its depression
the feeling of wanting to sink to the floor,
but being too afraid someone will notice.

...

Then,
I see a smaller pink balloon
bobbing slowly downward
considering saving the lone sphere of latex
risking its own social status to do so.

I could hope for that,
begging passers by with sorrowful glances
with no answers
no takers...

I have hope for the balloon though,
for it to find a savior,
a friend.

Or maybe I should do something
cut away the string of its depression
the long, heavy, greedy, string draging down the pour soul
keeping it from its peers

But that would ruin the metaphor
so instead I'll stand,
tucked away In my small corner
at the edge of the room
away from the people
ducking my head just a little
sinking
& nudging side to side next to yet another fish tank
across the room
watching
a balloon.
Jan 18 · 71
You were... not here
Bella Jan 18
I wanted you home
for so, long-I wanted you home
and 6 years later you were ready
and it was too late
I asked you to come home before then
because I knew time would get away from us
and it did

you left and you didn't come back
and I went to the funeral
and I asked if God was there
Through all those years of praying
because my prayers didn't do anything
and time ran out
and I was too late
or maybe you were too late--

it was all too late
and I went to your funeral
it was all too late

I woke up
I knew that it wasn't too late
but it also kind of was
you were still alive--

but not here.
This was to my Cousin, when he was in the army
Jan 17 · 67
Sanity
Bella Jan 17
I talk a lot about sanity
as if I have any to give
to stretch
as if I want any
But I haven't for a long time

if there's sanity left,
Then where do all of the beautiful people go
The Beautiful World
if I'm normal then what is the joy in staring at a sky for hours
or a person
or a hand

looking into every crack and crevice
for fun
to find the beauty
to find the similarities
the differences
The uniqueness

What’s the point
Of being normal
Jan 17 · 49
To: My MiMi
Bella Jan 17
To a cousin who was always more than a cousin
who was a sister
and a mother
and a friend

who was right next door
one wall over
For half my life

I don't know how to write about people I love
I care so much that I can't get the words right
But for you,
I want to try.

You were always there
I could always lean on you
And you are the most important to me
Which is a statement I’ll stick by

I missed you when you left
When dad didn’t drive you to school anymore
When you didn’t pick me up from school anymore
When you didn’t live here anymore
It was a sad day

And I was happy for you
You had to grow up too
Just like I did

But when you didn’t come around anymore
It was sad
And lonely

And it kind of stayed that way
Where you became a magician
Disappearing for months at a time
But it doesn’t feel right
To talk about you in metaphors
So…
Will you come back
Will you visit more

You didn’t come over for my birthday this year.

It’s ok
All is forgiven
if you come back
Jan 17 · 62
Saying Goodbye
Bella Jan 17
I don't like saying goodbye

I don't mean-that I don't like saying goodbye-because saying goodbye-means forever

I mean, I don't like saying goodbye-to someone I'm going to see in the morning,
To someone I'm going to text in an hour
Or call in 20 minutes

Because maybe 20 minutes will be forever
when you're alone
when you're empty-handed
and have no hope
Jan 17 · 264
How do I Explain
Bella Jan 17
I didn't tell him to stop
I just told him I was going to be late
I didn't mind what he was doing
and some of it was nice
but I figured, I don't want to lie to him
I don't want to fake it
but I don't want to ignore what should be happening right now
so I said I had to leave
and he understood
or he thought he did
he thought I was late
I wasn't.

I just can't do that anymore
it doesn't work
it's not his fault
it's
It's from a while ago
from someone else
and I don't tell anyone
I don't know how to
it's not dinner table conversation
It's not even therapy conversation at my age
Because, I'm my age
Because at my age that shouldn't be a problem
that should be a blessing
at least that's what my parents would say
"maybe then you won't try to do it anymore"

well that's not how it works
I so desperately want it back that I'll do anything for it
it's brought on me boyfriends that I didn't care about
people I thought--
“you might work”
“you might be able to fix this”

the more people I let try the more I understand
So since b and c and d and e... couldn't do it
I know that it's not the person
and since b and d and g couldn't do it
it's not the attraction
and since c and e couldn't do
It- it's not the experience
And because that f and h couldn't do it
it's not the talent

Here's the thing though
I know the issue
I know what it is
I don't know why I can't let go of that issue,
but it doesn't work
Bella Jan 17
I'm sorry, I didn't notice
but you seemed so happy when...
maybe you just didn't cry when I was around
and maybe that was a good thing

and your hand seems so soft when...
maybe they were just soft when they touched my skin
maybe the sound of your depression didn't make its way through the phone clear enough
like, your voice didn't tremble enough-
your eyes were never watery enough-
the scabs were never visible enough--

maybe that's why you didn't much like me touching your hips
hindsight is 20-20

after 6 months, I should have known
you knew I would have noticed
I questioned every scratch on your arms
so you didn't put them on your arms
and-- I didn't notice
your hips were a hidden cove that I never had quite enough time to explore.
Jan 16 · 630
Silk
Bella Jan 16
Red silk is not what I'm used to
but it will do instead of Blue

and it feels a little diff-er-ent
and it doesn't hold, onto tears
and the name doesn't ring the same in my ears

For it's not the one my mama made
Out of pajama pants
Bella Jan 15
"People often are the reason I break down"

"You shouldn't give people the power to control your emotions"

"you arrogant ******* you're a horribly insensitive father"

Push...

(in a loud voice)
"DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY! GO TO YOUR ROOM"

"Dad-- don't give me the power to make you angry. Control your own emotions."
"You Ignorant *****"
Jan 14 · 574
À Ta Beauté
Bella Jan 14
Your beautiful colors line our earth.
Loving the ground,
holding it up with your webbed reaching hands
sunken down into the soil.
You lift the ground and keep it from falling into the sky.

No other can compare à ta beauté,
alla tua eleganza,
para o seu romance,
to your delicacy.

You freckle the face of this earth.
Without you the world will lose its color,
we will bleed rainbows if you go.
Queens of color,
petal filled sunshines-

your yellows and oranges bring joy,
your reds and purples bring romance,
your pinks and blues bring childlike gid.

We crave you when you go.
In winters when you leave only small bits of yourself behind
we long for your return,
knowing without worry that you will return.
For we would not know what to do if you did not.

You are called by so many different names.
Buttercups, Bachelor's Button, and Baby Breath,
Izalias, Iris, and Iberis,
Pansies, Poppies, and Pony’s,
Waterlily, and Wisteria--

Lule-
Bloem-
Flos-
Ubax-
Imbali-
Flower!
Jan 14 · 88
Dear Logan
Bella Jan 14
Thank you!
You've done so much for me without even noticeing.
To you, I was probably just some girl you didn't want to be rude to,
and that's fine.
Because that's all I needed to be
for you to be what you were to me.

My first girl crush.
My first Butch bubble of an infatuation.
You were one of the best things that could have happened to me,
the first person who was what I wanted.
So all I can say to you is thank you.
Even if you'll never hear it.
Bella Dec 2018
true expression,
a look in the mind of a poet.
writing is all about bending:
words and punctuation and rules to your will
to make your work sound the way you want.

Because in writing there is what is written,
and there are the directions,
which are the punctuation.

And if the writer chooses
for them
to contradict
it makes
everything oh,
so beautiful.
This was part of a comment to a poem "ME" by another author "Lidya" that I wrote a long time ago
And I turned it into a poem
Nov 2018 · 76
The (you) I my bed
Bella Nov 2018
I went to bed in an oversized shirt and nothing else
it might have been a test
this isn't strange
we've slept like this before
hundreds of times
but this time I'm nervous
and not good happy nervous

I feel like there's something on my skin
I feel like I'm standing pantsless on a busy street corner in New York
so I close myself off
I sleep in a tight little ball in the corner of my full size bed
and went to sleep at some point
you get in the bed
in the back of my skull I felt something click
and I scooted closer to the wall
you did not touch me as you usually do
you did not curl yourself around me
you did not drape me in your heavy motionless arm
I think you understood
you knew something was wrong
and you were so distraught about it that you kept it to yourself
like if you didn't admit it it wasn't true
so you left me alone,

even still I didn't go to sleep till midnight
and you got in the bed around two, maybe
I woke up at three maybe
as if I was strung up naked like an animal stripped of its fur
like a strangers breath was on my back
I was shivering a small scared animal with a broken leg in the middle of a feeding ground
my legs twisted
and my toes curled
I wrapped my arms up to my neck and jammed my shoulders behind my ears as tightly as if the bones met and merged into one
I was paralyzed
shaking for about 30 minutes
tears escaping silently
one at a time from my frightful eyes
I was about to break down but I wouldn't let myself be so vulnerable in such a place
next to such a person
so I slowly and carefully climbed down my own bed
without a sound until I peeled back the screaming door and left
I broke down
eventually
but there was nowhere to hide
nowhere to cry
there were people everywhere
flopped upon couches and chairs in every corner of the house
one spot unclaimed by lifeless bodies was the left third of the duck fluff couch
the one with sharp quills that stab through the fabric into your back and your cheek
there's a dark brown almost black dog on the right of the couch
her gray hair aged her around the mouth
and on the forehead
she was undisturbed when I softly piled myself and to a ball of her equal statue in the corner of couch I was provided
I lay and lay
and acknowledge that the gift of sleep is something I had no longer
so I twist
and I turn
resting my head upon her stomach and thigh
I receive a sideways glance
before a maternal instinct kicks in and she realizes the fact that pushing me off would take more energy than she was willing to give at this hour
so she turns her head back and closes her eyes and sleeps
a sleep which I at this moment in time dream for

I finally in this pretzel position the size of a pillow I've found myself in, I tire enough through my tears to sleep
a rough
a light sleep
with outside noises creeping into the background of my dreams

around 5:30 it's still dark outside
I wake from my light joke of a sleep to the realization that the monster I left in my bed was hovering over me with a pillow
of mine
not the best but the one she wasn't using
it's old and flattened but it's soft and the size of it qualifies it useless in the current situation
of which I am laying.
she hands me the pillow
to my stunned Restless body
and I take it and I wrap one arm around it with the intention of her leaving
because I've taken her little gift
but it takes my mind a slight while to rid her stench off of the pillow that is mine in the first place and fall back asleep
I only have an hour or so until I wake up for work
And when I do
I leave
and we haven't spoken since
It's long and it might be boring but it's true and it's mine and it's hard for me to read
Nov 2018 · 31
6 years
Bella Nov 2018
For years I wrote letters without addresses.
I prayed every night a prayer that seemed reasonable,
and it came true,
but it came true 6 years later,
6 years after you left-
not 1, not 2, not 5, but 6.

You were bound to come home at some point weren't you?
If I waited long enough,
whether I prayed or not, right?
Were you testing my faith--
because count it tested.

I wanted to see you
hear from you.

I wanted to be invited to your wedding.
To know about your wedding for Christ’s sake.
I wanted to meet your kids.

I didn't do any of it,
because you waited 6 years.
6 years,
To come home.
Nov 2018 · 163
Now
Bella Nov 2018
Now
Red fabric lies atop a nightstand
and the room is quiet
and the color is loud
and it once was yours
but it belongs to no one now
Nov 2018 · 137
Red is our favorite color
Bella Nov 2018
The map of our country is stained in cranberry juice
the streets are red with blood
and in the south red flags hang like ignorance
or like all those sentenced the death penalty

isn't red such an American color
Nov 2018 · 1.6k
What my name sounds like
Bella Nov 2018
Sometimes I forget what my own name sounds like
it gets lost in the haystack of other things
and sometimes I remember what crunched leaves sounds like
and it makes me cry
because sometimes
no all the time
my life and I are in a never-ending race and it's so far ahead of me I can't even see it anymore

but when I think back to when my shadow was as slow as I was
to when no one moved any faster than the Breeze
the rattling of leaves was the only song I Knew
when our feet left memories in the ground as we ran
and the tree bark hung on to every moment
training our fingertips to long for its skin

Sometimes I get the whiff of Magnolia leaves
And it makes me cry
Because sometimes
no all the time
I miss the Summers when no one owned us but the trees
and we belonged to each other
and the wind whispered my name
and I never forgot what it sounded like
and I never lost track of my shadow
and the wind... whispered my name
Bella Nov 2018
The plush of my ***** waist and thighs attempt to pop every hemline and button in my wardrobe
My body is to Wholesome my flesh is too engulfing
and for this I roll over each elastic and my thighs Bust from my stockings
and my love handles and stomach squeeze over my waistline
and my back and my ******* make Pillsbury roll bra straps
and it looks like there's so much extra meat in too small a sausage tube
and it looks like I just kept blowing into the balloon
and I don't feel too big and I don't feel like my clothes are too small
and my body just doesn't fit in them the way they used to
I feel like how beautiful must I be to have this much extra to give that my stockings can't even hold the juice of my thighs
and my pants spill over with so much good batter
and my back rolls like Silk have the luxury of keeping my back from being straight like a board

for I do not know what I would do with a smaller body
if I could feel my leg bones and see my ribs if there was a gap in between my thighs if my hips protruded taking my pants along with them if my collars made soup bowls.
I dread what I would do with such a hard body how would such hard edges fill out these worshiping stockings
Sep 2018 · 146
Acceptance or depression
Bella Sep 2018
It's a crazy thing
love, fear, instinct, self preservation, human interaction.
I loved you for so long
and the thought of losing you killed me.
I thought, surely,
if you were gone
I wouldn't be able to survive
if you were taken away from me, that is.
But when I chose to leave,
everything becomes okay, for me at least.
you were still gone
but it was my choice
and you don't affect me anymore.
Isn't it so strange
how the simple choice
of you being taken or me letting go
is the difference between acceptance
and depression.
Aug 2018 · 861
Im doing so good
Bella Aug 2018
I'm doing so good
so good
but I know it's just distractions
and what happens when the distractions run out
at what point is getting rid of the bad
by ignoring the bad
a bad thing?

I mean,
it seems good
until you think about it
and I think about it
it's all still there
I just kept tip toeing around triggers in the battlefield of my own mind
and I can't just do nothing
and I can't be alone in the dark

because then I'm not better anymore
and all of that hard work of ignoring and ignoring and distracting and ignoring just crumbles
it all goes to ****
and I'm left sobbing desperately so desperately

so tell me
which is better
being depressed all the time
or distracting myself from my own depression
tiptoeing around my own thoughts and dying a little every time I step on a creaky board

which one is better
Aug 2018 · 473
Hair Cut
Bella Aug 2018
Okay so maybe I did cut my hair because I was depressed
and what's wrong with that if I did
a healthy release right
it's not something that I regretted
and I wasn't crying while I did it so
isn't it a good thing
even if that's all shaving my head did
was get me to stop crying for the 10 minutes it took for me to shave it clean
isn't that a good enough excuse
cuz it's a **** good excuse for me
Bella Jul 2018
Sometimes I get stuck in this state of Darkness
where my eyes can see
but it's like my head is just pitch black
and I almost wish I couldn't see anything,
like I wish I could just curl myself into a ball so tightly that I disappear from space for a while

sometimes I get stuck in this space
and I feel like my tears and my thoughts
are climbing up my esophagus and clogging my throat
blocking my airway
suffocating me from the inside

maybe I never told you I was depressed because who wants to relive that moment
that choking hazard moment of cotton ***** in my throat

maybe I never told you I was depressed because there are no words I can use to describe it that don't transform themselves into their meanings
that don't take over my mind
crawl through my head like little worms
eating away at my brain
my thoughts
my skin

have you ever thought of a traumatic experience and then felt those events happening again
felt the dark hole of life-threatening-trauma attack your mind
Shiver through your body
like it was a demon you let in through a memory-
through a word

maybe I didn't tell you I was depressed
because I wasn't strong enough
my depression fills me to the brim
fills my head and my chest
my arms and my fingers
I can feel it moving through my body
I can feel it expanding and engulfing everything inside of me
every last vein, nerve, *****, and tissue
how can you expect me to have the energy to fight
how can you expect me to have the energy to pick up the phone
to open my mouth
how can you expect me to have energy-to have the courage to utter the words of how I feel
I feel so worthless
in those moments I feel like there's this black whole inside me and it's consuming everything
it's taking everything but my skin
and it disgusts me

can you imagine the feeling,
having something so utterly repulsive on your skin you had to scrape it off immediately
It felt like you needed to be cleansed
like you needed a shower
take that feeling
now imagine it being under your skin
imagine, every muscle ***** vein nerve every cell in your body underneath your epidermis disgusts you
imagine all you wanted to do was to
GET
IT
OFF
and you can't
no matter how hard you try
you can't scrape it off
you can't claw It off

imagine you're scared of spiders
now imagine you're covered in spiders
and someone's holding down your arms
so you can't get them off
imagine them walking on your skin
in your mouth
crawling on your open eyes
in your ears
you're cringing at your own skin
You can feel them going down your throat
Their disgusting tickle in the pit of your stomach
in every crevice of your body
their tunneling under your skin
and you can't get them off
what are you supposed to do
but cry
My best friend's mom who doesn't believe in depression asked why I never told her I was depressed...
Jul 2018 · 203
The tears take me back
Bella Jul 2018
I don't have any pretty song floating around in my head like leftovers from my childhood
but I have Reno

"when I was a baby
my momma told me son
Now always be a good boy
and don't ever play with guns
but I shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die
now when I hear that whistle blowing
I hang my head and cry

now when I was a baby
my mama told me son
now always be a good boy
and don't ever play with guns
but I shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die
now when I hear that whistle blowing
I hang my head and cry"

and I do
I Cry
and I Cry
my tears they take me back to a Time when my daddy sang even when I didn't want him to
My tears they take me back to a Time when everything was peachy
and I didn't have a single worry
I was so free
and I wrote of those x with every new year
I wrote of crying
tears and memories they come together
wrapped in a bow
inseparable
I wrote a song
several years ago I sang

"so dad,
if it's not too much
won't you sing a song
for me
Take out your guitar
I just want to hear your melody"

and I Cry
and I Cry
and the tears take me back
to every song we ever sang
every word or hum mumbled through my lips with eyes closed
deep in the music
like it was the only thing on my mind
every song my dad ever played
strumming his guitar like a harp
and I Cry
and I Cry
and the tears take me back
Jul 2018 · 4.8k
CatCall
Bella Jul 2018
I Send my words hurling into your airway like swords
I bite off your tongue with every sharp response my body conjures
I have every witty comeback on speed dial to drill into your spine
The way your **** drilled into mine Pull old pennies from my pockets and throw them into your eyes
So you may not look at me the way you have for so long
You're are barely worth my pennies anyways
Here's a donation to your sorry ***
How about I grasp your neck, at just the right spot, just hard enough, to crush your voice box
To dwindle your air pipe just a little
So you cannot throw those trash comments at anyone else
How about I crack each of your fingers
Push them deep into your pockets
So that you can't feel anything without remembering me
You look at me like a mannequin in the window of your favorite retail store
You try yo put a price on what I'm worth
Maybe you can try me on
Throw me on the floor
Grab another
How about I tattoo my name on your chest
So that you cannot take off another piece of clothing
Take off another girl
Throw them in the floor
And not remember me
You will never throw me on the floor again
For I am permanently burned into your chest
How about I burn off each hair on your body
One at a time let it Sizzle down and sear the skin
Let each tiny poor feel the pain one at a time over and over and over again
Until you are left, raw

This
Is the day I speak back when you catcall me from across the street
Jul 2018 · 995
Give me pretty
Bella Jul 2018
Give me pretty
give me sunflower dancing
and petals turning
give me
coachella girls

give me pretty
give me layers of long see through skirts
and dresses
and Shaw's

give me pretty
give me dancers without teachers give me dancer with the wind as their muse

give me pretty
give me bouncing
give me everything's spinning
and turning
and lifting
and flying

give me flying
give me eyes closed
head back
arms stretched
fingers reaching

give me pretty
give me white linen pretty
Bella Jul 2018
For my birthday
you bought me my favorite book
That I already had
for your birthday
I bought you
the party

when you met the new boy at school
I told you he wasn't a good guy
you did not listen
when you told me
that the boy I'd known my whole life wasn't a good guy
I list without question

last night
you told me that your mother did not approve of my new haircut
this fact I already knew
last night you told me that you are uncomfortable and ashamed standing next to me
this fact I did not know

8 years ago when I met your parents
I was astonished and ashamed to stand next to them
for they pinned you to the wall like a dartboard
like a piece of meat for their game
they pushed pins in you of self doubt
of self hate
They said to you word I had never heard and adult say to a child before
if they could they would have cut into your flesh themselves
taking razors to every fat cell they did not like
8 years ago I stood up to them
to do what you never could
1 week ago even after you stoped listening to me I stood up to them
I tried as desperately as I could to take away their words

now
I stand here as your own personal dartboard
and because of that
I am now ashamed for you to call yourself my friend
Jun 2018 · 247
A number poem
Bella Jun 2018
I want to write a number poem
So,

1) the number of boys I fallen in love with

2) the number of houses you lived away from me

3) the years it's been since we broke up
I know this isn't how number poems work but let's skip,
to five 5

5) the months we were together

7) the days a week I think of you

how about 12)
the month you broke up with me

21) the day you broke up with me

22) what would have been our 6 months

183) the number of days we were together

1,000,000) the number of times I've come back to you

3,159,353,015) a number I will always remember for you

∞) the amount of people I tried to replace you with

∞) the number of times I've cried over you

∞) the number of people I've dragged into this

∞) the number of poems I've written you
letters I've written you
texts I've written you

∞) the number of hours we spent on the phone

∞) The number I hold in the pit of my stomach because I know it will never be us.
The first number poem I wrote (a while ago)
Jun 2018 · 186
Distractions
Bella Jun 2018
I distract myself
filling time slots and empty Windows
blaring nonsense instead of sitting in deafening silence

I beat at my own skull
pulling my eardrums out like string from my head
watch videos on tying nuces
anything,
to keep me busy
anything,
to keep me from doing the actual hanging

because right now
I'm sitting in silence,
and it's like a timer
it's like I'm just counting the seconds before I start crying
how long can I last?
1 minute,
2,
5
it's a waiting game
so instead
I distract myself
I watch TV
and YouTube
scroll through Instagram and Pinterest until I run out of pictures
I talk to myself
I beat myself until the thoughts go away
or... turn a blind eye,
until I'm so good at pretending that I can pretend they're not even there
until distraction is my second nature
because...
Don't you see?
Can you understand?
It's the only way I can stay alive
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