Im not really dead yet.
My chest rises and falls.
The breath escapes from my lungs, the air curls into ghosts of you.
Empty I loves as icy as your heart.

I won't be planning a funeral.
Doctors won't be pulling a sheet over my head.
There is life between my rib cage, it beats soft like a cats swishing tail.
There is life here, im apathetically not dead.

There is life here but not like with you.
Memories are haunting, like craving for water alone in the desert.
There is no LIFE here, only the stillness you left.

My loneliness turned to desperation.
My ears bled straining to find you.
My desperation turned to hunger.
I found you in the bottom of an old toolbox.
I've been swallowing nails ever since.

I wonder if loving you was a symptom.
A desperate longing for the other end if the rain bow.
You were never a *** of gold, such purity can't lie.
Your colours arched over me,  blinding me.
I didn't see your lurked in the grey between.

Memories fade from me and I wonder if Ill miss the crazy that maybe you could be the one that makes me save me

Even when my skull vibrates from the screaming in my head.

I will wrap my sturdy arms around me, fear and all, fear especially.

I will whisper, quiet but sure "I will not hurt myself the way they did."

I.
      Will.
                  NOT.
                    ­                 Hurt.
                                                           Myself!

You already know im in love with you.
But did you know that loving you, like i do,
has showed me how to love me too?

I can throw make up like confetti at my own funeral, a coffin with mirrored walls.
Teeth stand in my mouth like headstones in a grave yard,
a bouquet of rose red lips withered under the storm clouds in my eyes.

My body is here in front of you and yet, I am 6 feet under.
Secrets bore into my rotting mind like maggots gouging on the putrid remains.

There will be no hymns at the funeral, no prayers on the tips of tongues.
Just fish hooks caught in throats, of women you have baited, trophies cast aside.
You’ll learn that silence portrays hidden wars of the mind.

My body is here in front of you and yet, we are 6 feet under.
Your fingernails ***** from pulling the soil over our final resting place.

Apathy grows on me, insidious vines wrap around my limbs and cover my mouth till I can't breathe.
You're here with me, in this bleak, meloncholic abyss.
The ghost of you wrapping weak arms around my waist, sends dusty butterflies fluttering.
Promises that slipped from your mouth still dangle all over my room and I'm hanging off your every word.

I know you're gone, you're a million miles from here.
But in my dreams you still sleep safely by my side...
...and I still wake up at 3am to whisper I Love you to the ghost on your side of the bed...

Maybe the greatest thing we'll ever learn is just to love, but the luckiest is to be loved in return.

For love, real love is unconditional. Not time dependent. Least dependent upon reciprocity.

For when we declare that this world is over and its too late. Ill wait for you at those pearly gates.
For my greatest thing was to see your face and my favourite lesson was studying beauty that hides there.
And ill laugh how lucks not been my lady this life...

Life is like a wave,
.....everything flows and nothing persists!

And even when we kiss.
Even when our bodies are entwined.
Even when I'm biting the pillows to refrain from calling his name.

The butterflies won't flutter like they do when I see your face...

life is monstrous, savage and cold.
My heart; a ticking time-bomb waiting to get old.
Frantic whispers in my head "no time left, no time left "
Time is an ambush predator, agile and adept.
Lost in an abyss, only glimpses of far away stars, out of reach.

                                                        U­P into the vacuum I screech.
                                                   Up
                                             up
Internal pressures build
This panic is meaningless, soon, existence will be obsolete.

I'll bunker down in a fortress of distraction, and pull the blanket over my head.
I'll make a mansion of books, where fantasy filled delusions pacify my dread.
I'll cling to Lifes' bared teeth as I'm shaken side to side.
In time, time will release its predatory grip, let me live this life of mine.

After much contemplation,
Self-preservation and intent meditation.

After many 3am meetings with the moon, many stitches holding me together after I pulled me apart.

After much soul searching and crippling doubt, Many silent poem designed put these flames out.

I befriended surrender!

I will love you forever as forever doesn't exist. I could be here tomorrow or walk into deaths mist.

Though loving you hurts its a pain that I know. It never leaves my side and like love it will grow.

Unlike you this pain loves me back, ill give myself up to it. A relationship of misery seems to be a must, so like a normal marriage for the one I can't have I'll always lust.

And I will love you when i draw my last breath.
I will love you when my eyes are closed and in stillness i lay cold.
I will love you when they put me to ground to nourish the food you eat.
And even when death do us part.
Even when my memory sleeps in the back of the minds of people i knew.
My organs will live on in bodies that only know how to love.
And i will love you with the hearts of all those people.
But know!
There would never be enough hearts to contain the ocean.

My body rotting from day one.
Death a guest star at every birthday.

Let me feel the tremble in your body when you cry.
Ill hold you close like there is no world around us.
No star, no burning sun could dampen your light.
You're a flame that burns too bright for this earth.

Let me break my heart into a thousand pieces so i may love you with each fragment.
I can't continue with you, and i can't continue without you.

My kitchen tiles know the taste if my tears as I lay, pining for you early every morning...

I will not shrink myself for you.
I will not search for the sun in your shadow.
I will let my anger rage.
I will let it fill me up, every empty space that you created.
It will rush through my veins and into my mouth a metallic taste, words loaded like bullets.  
My rose red lips will not be silenced around your ****.
The gun you placed in my hands to point at myself down your throat, cocked!

This is not a poem, you've filled my head with silence.
My body is filled with the shadows of a girl who once lived here.
My eyes, dust laden like the window ledges of this broken home.
I tried, but my tears dried to leave oceans in my shoes.

I thought you were safe, under the dirt, 6ft under.
I'd left you there in my graveyard of suppressed memories.
I nailed your hands to the cross of everything I can never have.
Resurrected. Three days grace. You're haunting me.

You asked me to keep you safe, so I dug a shelter in my heart.
You could fit within me perfectly and I’d carry you until the end.
You weaved a blanket of my warmth, and pulled it round you tightly.
To protect you from the storm, your last goodbye blew in on..

For months I've beeen trying to write you.
To fold my emotions together like origami.
I'd make you a boat so that you can escape.

I'd bleed an ocean of ink from my pen.
Tides and waves, velvety rich and blue.
A grand sail of metaphores would carry you through an ocean of my desires, my ideals.

But, I realized that I was lost in translation.
My hands cant craft to catch your beauty.
I've lost myself in paper chains, a strength of love untold.

Your chains hit the bottom a year ago, they sway in stangnant waters.
Chain links made of memories Bob lifelessly in the water.
They stay around a centre point, gently knocking my shrivled skin.
A blank face drowning in the inky sea, I'll stay to an anchor what was.
With time these memories will bury me.

I wish I could remember that words unspoken are sometimes more powerful.

I've been trying to write a poem about you,
because even sad poetry is beautiful.
But, you've got my tongue tied as well my hands.
So now I'm just sad.

I love wholeheartedly, an obsessive, head-spinning kind of love.
You were taking, taking and taken I was by you.
You **** the marrow from my bones to indulge your already overweight frame.

Now I am left with nothing.
                                                  No body. No soul.
No warm hands to cradle my clattering bones.
My lungs have leaked their last meaningless breath.

I love whole-heartedly, an obsessive, head-spinning kind of love.
So I fixed all your woes, brought you back to good health.
And you're out in the world, never ceasing, your light it grows.
I lay here in your shadows, no love left for myself!

I dug around in your graveyard heart.
I took myself back.

You can take your vacuous words, your pigeon chest and balding hair.

And you can *******.

Maybe my body is just a vessel for life to flow through.

Maybe the best medicine is to feel this passage of time.

A strange sensation crawls beneath my skin, it's not something I've known before.
A claustrophobia that equates to a 1 by 1 concrete box. No windows.
A paranoia as vicious as a horror-movie induced glance around a familiar room.

Fire-breathing dragons soar through my nights, setting ablaze our days.
Our perfect, storybook romance, too perfect.

Flesh wounds that never healed.
Septic bandages tight around my ears.

Imprisoning his poison dripping words inside my head, like the parasitic maggot he was, they bore deeper into my sanity.

His monsters in my head won't let you in. Their screams drown out the reality of your safety.

How I feel is on the tip of my tongue, cowering behind heaving ribs.
Vulnerable.

every word is a privilege to speak, and what a time to be alive!
After millennia of grunts and babble, language forming nonsense.
I am here, with a twisting tongue and dancing lips and a belly full of words!
Entwined in my fingers are yours, sending all the words out of my mouth at the same time.
Like a dam that's breaking, like a balloon that's bursting, until language forming nonsense comes babbling out.

I haven't evolved yet to love you like I do.
An octopus has three hearts, and my measly one is trying too hold more volume than an octopus could carry with 8!

So, when I Say I love you I mean it!
When I'm being pedantic, be patient.
Remember, language has not yet evolved to tell you how much I love you.

I want what I want too much.

I am what i want too little.

Some days I avoid the water.
I avoid it because I'm crippled by fear that I may not see you once more.
If I was never to see you again, I'd never forgive myself.
I'd never forgive myself for washing away all I had left of you.

I sometimes wonder if you'd invite me to your wedding.
And if not why?
Would it be to spare my ghostly heart the pain?
Or to spare your rotted one the guilt?

If you did, I wonder if your blessed bride would see my fake smile  covering up the snarls of my jealous rage.
Or if to her, I would simply be as insignificant as you make me feel...

What if the princess was in love with the beast all along?

I will rise a pheonix from the ashes that you made of me.
My tounge will untangle itself from the knot in my stomach.
Wounds will weep from the lashing of my whip like tounge

Whip cracking, skin smacking, back lashing!

The radio taunts me again today.
Singers singing song to me, that speak to me.
Their voices angelic, some I know you'd like before you do.
All of them sing to me what I can't find the words to say to you.

Holding my head in my hands again, these headaches are getting worse.
These headaches are bruises from the merciless memories of you.
I go to the pub with you like I'm pretending alcohol is the antidote to love.
Like I think if I drink enough I won't want to wake up next to you.

Like maybe I'm hoping you'll drink to forget we're just friends, just for a while
So I could love and loose than spend my life wondering, waiting for you to want me too.

Worthless.

You're **** right

You aint worth less!

Would I feel like this if we could reverse time and remember our future?
Would I still carry around my braking, aching heart waiting for you to leave?
Would I stop replaying scenes in my head like the first time we kissed and laying awake all night to hear you breathe?
Or would I instead think of how you set my heart on fire and left me to watch it burn?
Would I read about it on the news?
Watch as media frenzied scavengers lapped up the blood, selfies with the body of a girl who loved to much!
Even in this warped world, where my rose thorn tongue grows around the 4th dimension.
I'd hold on to my last memory, of meeting you for the first time.
My swollen heart and pregnant mind would long for you, a longing that started on that first kiss.

Writers are the most beautiful of artists.
Complex and unique.
They make the most exquisite, beautiful jewelry.
Every word sends out ripples like water,
sometimes you can see yourself staring back.

Some turn their words into pendants shaped like hearts, and teardrops and all manner of things.
And you can hang them on your heart, or in your head and you'll never take them off.

A writer writes about their monsters, crushes them to coal and uses them to make a forge.

But I, no, a writer I am not.
My words bleed from me, half congealed from the half-dead body they spilt from.
The other half already dust because you must live before you die.
But some people die before they live.

My words, lonely, lingering, they long for more to write about than emptiness.

I want to fall in love with you!
Not because I love you,
I love the idea of you,

I want to fall in love with you.
Loving you distracts me from not loving myself.
I want to fall in love with you, to send this writers block to hell...

Who is the 'you' that singers sing too?
The 'you' that sends poets diving through vast oceans for poetic pearls?

You're the rain on windows late at night, natures own lullaby.
You're the sun rays in which I bask, you make me feel alive.

You is a collective term.
An indistinguishable figure, a faceless being.
'You' are a silent understanding. Universal.

You hold the promise pleasure and pain of all the bodied 'you's that tarnished your name.
'You' are the silence we scream because the world talks to loud to hear us.

'You' are the nameless, holding up all the 'me's' that aren't strong enough to say this.
'You' are the silence we crave when to speak their names can only pain us.

I keep drinking coffee.
I keep thinking I shouldnt.
I keep falling in love with you.
I keep wishing I wouldnt.
Because like my murmer, you keep missing beats.
I fill you with love but you're full of deceit.
You say your futures with me, were perfect together.
But simple conversation is exhaugsting. how can we handle forever?

I am lost again.
Lost between the pages of your favourite book.
I can see us between the lines.
You, the gentleman filled with magic and heroism.
Me, the lady you're falling in love with, but know you'll loose.
And somehow they will be the sweetest tears.

In reality, im curled up alone, reading your favourite book.
Seeing us between the lines.
And ill cry sweet tears, as watching them fall apart.
Is better than acepecting we'll never start.

Don't turn off the light, my dear, I'm afraid of the dark.
Shadows that lurk, ghosts that walk by, cold voices speak with the breath of night.
Wrap your arms around me and I'll bathe in your light.
For dark or day, nothing can hurt me, encompassed in your warmth, I know you'll stay!

My dreams are home to endless sunsets with you, fingers entwined.
We'd watch the Sun step aside so the moon could see the planetary show.
The wind would roll over our skin as if time was our ocean, infinite.
We'd kiss as if our bodies were made of poetry, like fate wrote this one for us!

But in my waking hours I won't tell you that I LOVE YOU.
Instead I'll grow gardens between lines you run your fingers.
Fields of gold will bloom with every "how did you sleep?"
My whispers will nurture my blossoming love, so you'll never eat lonely.

I will look after you always, like the sun chases the moon.
But I wont rain words of nectar on a deaf heart.
Instead I will grow seeds and yield, my body will nurture as you need.
If you cease to be, I'll spend my last days with the moon, waiting for the sun.