I'm flopped on the side of the couch,
Dressed in torn up leggings
And your wrestling sweatshirt.

I'm missing you,
And I feel utterly
And entirely
Blah.

Sluggishly I wander
Into where I keep my clothes and shoes,
and eye my tight black dress,
And my thigh high suede black boots,
And I wonder how you'd react
If you saw me all done up.

And while normally
I'd play with the idea,
Today is just makes me sadder,
And I miss you even more.

I will get
All dressed up
Tomorrow.

And send you a picture
That you won't get
Until Saturday.

And maybe I'll wear
My thigh high suede black boots--
Otherwise known as my suede-slip-on-confidence.
And hopefully this week
Will go by faster.

Sometimes I'm blind--
No, literally.
And in those moments I'm so overwhelmed
By the bleak darkness
I forget how vibrant
Your laugh is.

But when I remember,
When I remember your laugh
And your smile
And the light within your eyes,
Dear God,
I forget how beautiful seeing is,
Because it pales in comparison.

"Precious, brave little bird, it's not you, it's never you, it's me."

And that was the kindest way
Anyone's ever left me.
There was no looking me in the eyes,
There were no disputes in color--
A simple text in white font,
Explaining everything without the words needed.

I was too much,
And they felt they were too little.

People walk out of my life all the time.
There's a lot of temporary people
That stumble upon me,
With no intention of staying or being honest.
But I'm a permanent type of person--
So let me tell you, we don't often mix well.

But it was different upon her exit,
Because I know she intended to stay--
But life doesn't always work out that way.
And I wonder if she knew
That she was one of the best people
I had ever met.

And somewhere inside my heart,
Where I have etched all across the walls in
Calligraphy much more beautiful than my own handwriting,
"Please be strong; Please be brave."
I have also hidden away parts of myself
That will forever be
Her brave little bird.

He took all that I had from me,
So I dyed red streaks into my hair.
He left me less than before,
So I chopped waist length hair
Into a boy-short pixie cut.

And time and time again,
I shaved the sides,
And dyed my hair
Purple
Green
Pink
And Auburn.

And he destroyed me
On a day to day
Basis.
So I went from brown
To black
To blonde
To pink.

And when he finally released
His hold on me,
I debated dying my hair
Lilac or periwinkle.
But instead,
I decided I would let my hair
Grow.

My hair will be long
And beautiful
And feminine.

I will be beautiful
And feminine,

And nothing like
You've seen me
Before.

And I can only hope
That with you
I will have no burning desire
To cut my hair
Or change my color.

I hope
With you
My hair may grow,
Within the dark reds and dark browns
That it has.

Crossing the field
One foot after the other,
Grass under my feet,
Clay staining my skin red
With each heavy step.

I drag along,
Instead of flying past like I once did.
My each step is slow and hesitant,
Instant of a leap and a lunge
Towards whatever the future may hold.

And grasshoppers
And little moths and fireflies
Float and hop around me,
As the sun settles behind the Earth,
And the moon rises into the sky.
The grass is green, but yellowing,
And leaves decay at my feet.

Spirals of red and orange leaves
Spin around me a thousand times,
And the falling stars caress
My moonlit skin.

I am the night time,
And I don't want to be.
I am when the wolves and coyotes sing mournful songs,
I am when the foxes and cats come out to hunt.

I am the night time,
And I creep across golden fields
As slowly as the gold fades to gray,
Where the sky touches the earth.

And I want to be warmed by the sunlight,
But I am shivering and cold,
Within my shadow realm.

I sit within the tall grasses,
Amongst the trees that sway in
The harsh winter winds.
I feed off moon flowers and snapdragons,
Yearning to find a daffodil for myself.

And the warmth of the sun calls me home,
But I want to be bask in the light,
Instead I blow away,
And I disappear.

And as I prance and spin in the evening,
Casting rays of blue twilight across the landscape,
My brown eyes catch your blue,
And while I believe you can't see me,
I hope to the moon and back that you do.

I am the spirit of the night time,
But your eyes are like the day's sky,
And I could stare into your sunlight lined iris's
For eternity upon eternity.

And with fluttering wings,
I painted you stars in the royal violet and navy sky,
I prayed that you'd make me yours,
But I was impatient
And you fell along with me

Into the realm where
Landscape meets starscape,
And the blues of the night
Met the greens of the day,
And I'll love you forever
Where the sky touches the earth.

I wish I could hold you.
I wish I could touch you.
But the distance is too far,
The distance is too wide--
For now.

And my eyelids
Are heavy.
I want to drift off
Into some type of
Week long sleep.

I miss you
More than I think you can understand.

And sometimes I wonder,
Did I ever love anyone before you?

Because I don't really think I did.
I don't think I ever did.

And if I did,
It wasn't quite the same
As this.

Love is a funny thing.
It's always the same,
And it's always different.

But I know how I love you.
I know it's the type of love
That will take a lifetime to get over,
And I know it's the type of love
That lasts forever.

There's nothing beautiful
about not needing anybody.
there's nothing beautiful
about being heartless.
about leaving everything
and everyone you've ever
cared for
behind.

there is something beautiful
about caring.
about the good, the bad, and the ugly
parts of loving someone.

there is something beautiful
about listening.
about recognizing the octaves of laughter,
and the rhythmic tones
of someone's speaking voice.

there is something beautiful
about the thrum of a certain heartbeat.

there is nothing beautiful
about not having a heart
at all.

I will always be too much for some people.
I will always be too emotional.
Too affectionate.
Too clingy.
Too needy.

I will always not be enough for some people.
I don't emote enough.
I don't display enough affection.
I don't touch enough.
I don't articulate enough.

I will always be too much.
Too damaged.
Too guarded.
Too cold.
Too paranoid.

I will always be too much.
Too strong.
Too opinionated.
Too passionate.
Too forgiving.

I will always be too much for some people,
But I'd like to think that maybe
For you,
I am just enough.

"And what are men to rocks and mountains?"

Out of all the things I have read,
I am most fond of stories that display
That love is powerful
And that love conquers--
And I used to believe
Love was just a fairy tale.
That it wasn't real,
That it was a piece of fantastic fiction
That everyone agreed
To pretend was real.

I convinced myself of this.
That if you couldn't be mine,
That I didn't know romantic love at all.

But you are mine,
Wholly and entirely.
And if I had read anything
To be true,
It would be also from Pride and Prejudice:
“The distance is nothing when one has a motive.”

If you're not here to stay,
Then you're here to cause pain,
And if you're here to hurt me,
Then you can get up and go.

If you're not here to stay
Then you're here to go,
And if you're here to go,
Get up and leave.

But if you're here to stay,
Then take my hand
And take me away
Take me away
If you're here to stay.

If you're here to stay,
Let's find a way
To love the night away.

If you're here to stay.

(If you're here to stay,
And I know you are,
Then love me that way you do,
And I'll be glad
To stay here with you.)

I was lost within the dawn,
Scrambling, floundering, searching for something.
The blue and the violet would dissolve me
Into fragments of something that was once recognizable.
Then you came along with the sunrise,
Each step closer more calming and more gentle.
And within my blue and violet shell
Stirred a warmth, a light, a vision of white.
As the shell broke open, shattering into pieces upon epiphany,
I spread violet and green wings,
Fluttering and shimmering into the day,
Finally flying alongside
The Bluebird of Peace
Who found me.
Upon that flight, I found that to be part of the day
Meant to be part of the sunset,
And to be part of the sunset
Meant to be whole.

I wonder if you know,
How I love you so?

And if you could fathom
All the light
And all the warmth,
And all the colors
That shimmer and shine
Through out the sky,
Then maybe you could fathom
How much you mean to me.

If you could see
Everything good
And everything bright,
And all the hope,
And all the light,
That I tend to find
Within you,
Then maybe you'd understand
How much you mean to me.

I could hold up the world
With a single phrase.
I could stop it from spinning,
With a single action,
But what would be the point
Of halting something so tragically beautiful?

And no,
Maybe you're better off without me.
But I'm sure not
Better off without you.
And maybe that's a little selfish,
But when have I been any different?

She said a thousand times,
Or at least it rung a thousand ways,
I only care about myself.
And while I know that's not true,
If that's how she sees me,
Then hell, maybe I'll paint a better image.

But I'm not chasing anyone
Ever again.
Not her,
Not anyone.

And it's pouring rain,
And I'm remembering things
That it's probably bad for me to think about,
And I'm freezing cold,
But I'd only want it one other way.

And maybe,
Just maybe,
I'm better off now.
You can miss someone
Without wanting them back in your life.

And maybe,
Just maybe,
I could make you dinner some night (or every night),
And we can laugh and talk until we fall asleep,
And we can live the type of life
Where you can be you,
And I can be me.

I'm here deciding between
Whether I want to remember
Or if I want to forget.

I could process
How much I hate you,
Or I could just vaguely hate you
From a distance.

And I'm the type of person
Who likes to find the best in people
Even after they leave me broken,
Or after they pull that whole
Massive betrayal or whatever
You think I'd call it.

And I wanted to find good in you
After all these years,
But you've pulled too much,
Hurt too many people,
Lied too often.

And maybe,
Like me,
You've changed too.

I'm not big on
Vengeance anymore.
I don't open up
Quite so often,
And when I do
It's much more gentle,
Much more calm.

Just so you know,
No one's gonna chase you.
No one's gonna chase me.
No one's making us
Relive who we were.

So run away,
Like you always do,
And I'll be here,
Growing up.

The saddest part about hearing
Someone's voice start to crack
When they're talking about something
Most people find poetic,
Is that you can see
The strength in their eyes
Start to sever from their heart.

The saddest part about people
Is that we find love and death and hate and life
To all be extremely poetic, beautiful things.
But they're none of that.

Love is painful.
It can destroy you,
And even when it helps you grow,
And everything is going great,
There's still an ache in your heart
Because you're so used to the possibility
Of it ending at any second, at any time.
And even during the happy hurt,
It still hurts.
You ache to touch,
You ache to hold.

Death isn't beautiful.
It's horrible. It rips people from your heart
Without so much as a warning,
And even when you had warning,
Even when you thought you prepared for it
It still rips every part of you to shreds.
It takes everything you thought you were,
You thought you had.

Hate isn't poetic.
It's deadly.
The passion may empower you,
But it can **** you.
And you won't recognize
The monstrosity you've become.

But all of this,
All of this life,
It's lovely.
It is gruesome and painful
And filled with aches and wounds,
But it's so ******* beautiful,
With all its juxtaposition
And irony.
And if you can find just a glimmer of hope
Within all of this sadness,
Then you too
Are so beautiful.

And the saddest part about life
Is how it can break you,
But the most beautiful part
Is seeing how you can stand back up
Despite all odds.

It hurts a lot to open up
To anyone.
But I think it takes a lot of courage
To handle it on your own.
But I think it takes a lot of courage
To open up to someone.
And I know for a fact
Courage is underrated.

It's all about what you do
When nobody cares.

Isn't that life?

No one's making you spend
Lonely nights
Poisoning yourself,
Through and through.

I'm wondering about the future
And
I've got work to do,
To be someone better
Than who I was
Before.

And I've come a long way,
I really think you'd be proud
If you had been there
To watch me grow,
But I guess all that matters
Is that you're here now.

You say that we would've been friends
In high school,
Maybe we would've gotten together sooner,
But darling don't you know?
You would've hated the person I was,
I was a bundle of
Damage and poor attempts
At displays of good intentions.

And I tried too hard,
And I said too little.

And the good I did,
No one saw,
But I wouldn't change a thing
About the lives I touched.
They are who they are,
And I am who I am.

I'm going to keep
Being the me you love,
And I hope as we grow:
We grow together.
And I hope as we grow:
We grow together.

I have my own regrets,
And I grieve over them from time to time.
But life is all about moving forward,
So I guess that's what I'll do--
I'll move forward
With you.

It is 2:00 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016.

It is exactly two weeks and five days until the rest of my life begins.

I still can't find the words to tell you in an exact and fitting way
Everything I've always wanted you to know.

I want to tell you that you make me feel safe.

I want to tell you that being with you is like breathing a sigh of relief. It's like finally being home.

And I don't know if you understand how much I've longed to have a home. How desperately I've wanted to feel like I belong somewhere. And I know I belong with you.

I want to tell you that being with you is like being able to see, smell, taste, hear, and feel for the first time. Like I couldn't before. Like I was able to, but it's not the same. This is new, this is different. This is real.

I want to tell you that I was strong without you. That I could stand just fine without you. That I'm capable and competent without you. But with you? Dear God, you give it-- Everything-- purpose.

And I want to tell you that there's something soothing about standing tall without reason, there's something empowering about it. But nothing feels better than having meaning, than doing everything for a reason.

I want to tell you that you make me feel whole-- I was whole without you, but you make me grounded. Like I really am real, alive, and good.

I want to tell you that you make me feel like I'm a good person. Like I'm better than I was. Like I can be better.

I want to tell you that part of me is scared. Like I won't be good enough for you, like if I tell you any of this you'll walk away.

But the other part of me, the bigger part of me, is excited. I want to be yours, entirely. Because I love you more than forever, more than always.

I want to tell you that I'm more than ready to spend my life with you, and that I know our future together only holds beautiful, amazing things. Thank you for being mine.

For the first time,
I'm bidding farewell to Summer
With a heavy heart,
As the Autumn weather
Comes rolling in,
And I'm brimming with
Anxious excitement.

I've spent my days
Studying faces
Dreaming of far off places,
Humming under the light
Of the harvest moon.

I feel more at home
Amongst purple and black clouds
And snow drifting down from the heavens
In the middle of the night.

I feel more at home
Watching the rain fall to Earth,
And the quiet of the cold
Gracing the winds,
From my windowsill,
Than I feel in a crowd of people.

I've never been great at
Letting go of memories
Or of anything
But I can feel it slipping,
This isn't my home,
And just as Summer turns
Into Autumn,
Things have to change.

And just like I've always
Loved breathing in the crisp
Smells of Fall,
And watching the leaves change and turn
As the trees let them go
With bitter-sweet farewells,
I have to let go of who I was,
And my own leaves
That though sick and dying,
Are, in their own way,
Still beautiful
In all shades of colors
From black to red.

So for the first time
In my entire life,
I'm saying a goodbye
To what used to be,
I'm letting go
Of the pain that built me.

And for the first time
In my life,
I'm looking forward
To all that the future may hold.
Every falling leaf,
Every blizzard,
Every April shower
And May flower,
And every single
Ray of sunlight.

Keep your arms open wide,
Open wide.
Treat with love every time,
Every time.
Be fair, be certain, and be kind,
Be kind.

I'm afraid I cannot call a house a home,
A home.
I can only keep going, I know,
I know.
But there is nowhere to go,
To go.

And you'd give it all,
It all.
To paint these walls,
These walls.
With tear I've let fall,
Let fall.

To show that beauty can come,
Can come.
From even the saddest heart's thrum,
Heart's thrum.
And within the beat of every drum,
Every drum,

Good can be found,
Be found.
If only you look up from the ground,
The ground.

Please remember,
Keep your arms open wide,
Open wide.
Treat with love every time,
Every time.
Be fair, be certain, and be kind,
Be kind.

My heart has lots of tears
And holes.
It has lots of little scars
And big scars,
And little breaks,
And big breaks.

And it's pretty big,
But it's kind of torn up,
And a little old.
It's pretty warm,
But it gets pretty cold
When you leave here.

I know it doesn't look like much,
But here's something kind of neat:
When the world feels like it's crashing down,
It will keep you safe and sound.

And I know it looks really ugly,
But it will keep you warm
On the nights you get really cold.
And when you feel sad,
It's nice to have a little bit of
Dim light in the darkness with you,
To help you find your way out.

And I can't promise
That my heart will brighten up
Every dark day,
But I can promise
It will keep you safe.

And I know with a little work,
And a lot of love,
My heart could be a nice home
For you too.

I don't know how long forever is,
I'm not saying I do.
I guess you can't measure time
In such a heartfelt way.

But I do know this,
I'm real glad I didn't die
Before I told you I love you.
And maybe that's a little morbid,
A little strange to say,
But it's true.
I'm glad I failed
When I tried.

And I'm curious if you know,
Every day I'm with you
Is the first day
To the rest of my life.

And I guess I just didn't know,
How every part of you is my home
Until a month ago.

I'd love to travel the world,
But I wouldn't want to
If I wasn't by your side.
What's the point in seeing
All the sights
If I can't love you,
Right?

And I want to share it all
With you.

I don't know
How long forever is,
But I sure do know
I want to spend it all
With you.

I'm real glad
I'm alive,
It's easier to love you
With a heartbeat.

I hate watching your addiction
Tear my family apart.
You've been doing so well,
So please put the bottle down.
I've asked you so many times,
Please just stop.

Stop complaining to me
About the people who are trying
To help you,
And put that bottle down.

And if you don't,
Please don't ask me
To sit back
And watch
You drink your life away.

Please just stop.

And I'm alright,
Always getting better.

And I wonder if I'll ever be enough
For the parts of myself to stop berating me.
And I swear to God if you never leave
I'll still be in disbelief.

If I could find you in the depths
Of my soul
I'd never ever leave,
But instead I found you
In the reality of it all,
Where I never thought to look
Because I never thought
You'd love me too.

And I'm alright,
Always getting better.
But I'm never going to stop
Falling in love
With you.
So here's to dreams,
And however
Debauchery tends to sing
And
I'm alright,
Always getting better.

And I guess with each and every turn,
I still got a whole lot to learn,
But hey,
I'm alright,
And always getting better.

If you asked me
How do I know what love feels like,
I will know simply because
You say the word love
And I think of you,
In shades of red
And shades of blue.

And people ask me
What love means,
And I think of sunsets so orange,
And I think of sea-foam so green.

And if I could
Describe
What it means
To be alive,
I would tell you
All that I know
To be true.

That you cannot wait
Until you are ready.
Or else you and your hands
Will never write steady,

You must dive head first,
Into everything you desire,
Because if you do not
It will simply add more fuel
To regret's fire.

And you must love
With all that you are.
Because any less
Is not love by far.

You must risk
Facing a burn,
For you must trust in me,
You will find your love and truth
In turn.

I love you,
And all that you are,
And all that you do.
Whether it be your
Oranges or reds,
Or your greens and blues.

I love you,
And all that you are,
And all that you do.
Whether it be a smile so wide,
Or iris's splashed with gold,
Within a pool of blue.

And I remember
The look in her eyes
When I explained that I hated her,
But it was a lie.

And I remember feeling the guilt
For the way I tried to save her,
But it was the only way
That I knew how.

And I regret trying
To do what I did,
But I cannot change the past
And I cannot change who I was.

And as much as I tried
To seek out forgiveness
She revoked it
Like a toy from an undeserving child.

I will always hold you
To a higher standard
Than others.
And for what I did,
I will hold myself
Even higher.

She probably won't ever understand
The point that intrusive thoughts drive you to,
Or how blackened my mind had become,
But I trust that as long as I can
Work towards
Forgiving myself,
I can be better.

Let me be honest,
As I always am.

I'm here to tell you
That the ways you make me nervous,
With your voice or your smile,
Makes me feel like I have a purpose.

And I'm hoping to love you for all time,
And I forgot if I mentioned,
You drive all the good
That inspires my intentions.

You create thunder in my heart,
Put fire in my veins.
And your hand in mine,
It takes away the pain.

And how do you explain,
Your voice echoing all across my brain,
Spiraling in color
That keeps me dry from the rain.

And I could burn a thousand different ways,
And I'd still turn out just fine,
As long as I am yours,
And you are mine.

I lost myself but you found me.
I might not be able to always know what to say,
But you sure made
The day feel saved.

I can't bite back these words anymore:
Thanks for sticking around,
It's been nice,
Going from lost to found.

I'm not so put together,
As I may seem.

And I'm sorry that you had to see
The torn up parts of me.

But know if you see me shivering,
It's not because I'm cold.

If you see me shaking,
It's the excitement coursing through
My veins.

And if I tremble,
Do not fret,
It's just that I crave
Your lips upon mine,
And I want to laugh with you
Until my side hurts
And I can't feel my face.

And if I tremble,
Do not fear,
It's just that I yearn
To be part of your heart,
And I want to be wrapped in your arms
Until the world disappears.

If I tremble
At your touch,
Know it's not for fear,
Rather love.

And what can I say?
I love you so,
Do you even know?
There is night, just as there is day,
Filling me with color, when I once was grey.
But your heart makes mine grow,
Have you even seen how you make my eyes glow?
And now I can only pray,

That you know that all that I am,
Is for you and only you.
I will do all that I can,
To be yours and that is truer than true.

"Yeah, I came out swinging,
But I still came out with two black eyes
And a split lip."

And I close my eyes
And face my demons,
And I see them
And I cower
But they see it in my eyes,
I came here looking for a fight.

So it's a fight they put up.

I'll destroy my insecurities,
I'll face off with my feelings,
And I'll go to battle
With the blood I've spilled
And the mistakes I've made.

All my fears
Will try to eat me alive,
But each and every scar I bare,
Each and every beat of my heart
Proves I'm alive.

And as long as I'm alive,
I'll come out swinging,
Each and every time.

If I had to take one lesson away from life, it would be that love conquers all. Now, I know that sounds corny, but please, hear me out. Love runs the world, whether it's platonic, romantic, selfless or selfish. Love is the motive for all things.

And most excitingly so, if you find the kind of selfless, end-all-be-all kind of romantic, best-friend-where-have-you-been-all-this-time kind of love, there's some stuff you have to know. It is almost impossible to find someone who feels the same way about you in a way that is even somewhat compatible with your way of thinking.

So when you find that type of love, when you fathom that feeling and find yourself having the burning desire to show it and act on it time and time again, drop everything. Let go of your preconceptions and inhibitions. Jump into it like you're blind to everything else. This is it. This is what everyone spends their time on Earth searching for, hoping for. And you've found it.

So you know all that guilt you hold on to, all that anxiety about everything you've ever done that is somewhat wrong? Let it go. And hold on to this love, this fresh start, this life-changing desire to be good for someone, like you've never held onto anything before in your life. Hold on as tight as you can, and never ever let it go. I promise it will still be there when you fall in.

Because I know this as a fact, when it's right, it's right. And this fantastic destiny, this beautiful serendipity, this red-string-of-fate theory, it all gets proven right with this. This is the reason it didn't work out with anyone else. This is it.

Are you holding on tight? Good. Now jump. Because if I know anything else about life, it's that if you wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting for the rest of your life.

The funny thing about crying yourself to sleep
Is waking up confused
Because you don't recognize
The reality of your parents room,
From the delusion of your nightmare.

And the funny thing about lying awake at night,
Blasting music as loud as you can,
And trying to make your breathing
Inaudible
But each breath is
More strained than the last,
Is when you think back with a
"I never thought this is how my life would turn out."

And the funny thing about recalling
Making lunch in the kitchen,
And suddenly choking back
Strangled sobs
After realizing I love you.
And my mom rushing into the kitchen,
Asking me what's wrong,
And I cried so hard
Because I was so scared
To love you.
Is that it wasn't about you,
It was about the fear that you could
Now have the power
To take all my vulnerable parts
And leave without giving them back to me.

And the funny thing about
While blotting at my eyes,
That every part of me
Is wholly and entirely yours,
And upon that I also found,
Is that maybe no part of me
Was ever mine and mine alone.

But the funny thing is, you have proven
Time and time again
Within all my efforts
Amidst anxiety and panic
To subconsciously push you away,
That you're here,
Truly here,
To stay.

The funny thing about crying,
Is that it's not always about the tears,
And the incoherent hiccups
Aren't always about pain.

The funny thing about being this emotional,
Is that you love with all you are,
And when someone finally loves you back
The same way,
It's like seeing the face of God,
As Victor Hugo once said.

The funny thing about forgiveness,
Is that it doesn't always have to come from the
Person you've done wrong.
The funny thing about love
Is that it feels a lot like forgiveness
And the grace of light.

The funny thing about life,
Is that it never turns out how you thought it would,
And that's good.

The funny thing is
I really think
I like how
My life is turning
Out.

“DEMON MATH
What is JUST in a world
you've ripped in two
as if there could be
a half for me
a half for you
what is FAIR when
there is nothing
left to share
what is YOURS when
your pain is mine to bear
this sad math is mine
this mad path is mine
subtract they say
don't cry
back to the desk
try
forget addition
multiply
and i reply
this is why
remainders
hate
division.”


― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Chaos

And as a remainder,
I've closed my eyes,
And let fear take me
Too many times.

But don't you know,
My darling,
We're under the same sky?

I've lost
And I've gained,
And I've lost again.

But today my hand
Is yours to hold,
And it will be tomorrow,
And each day after.

Because after all the terrible things
I've known,
You're the best part
Of anything
I could ever
Call my own.

So please,
Add me to your equation
And I know you'll find the answer
Within the loving-me kind of persuasion.

And I'm so glad
You'll be mine
For forever,
And I'm so glad
You're going to
Stay.

We're under the same sky,
But we'll be together soon,
You and I.

“What we had went so much deeper than a kiss.
When we were together, she turned me completely inside out. It didn’t matter if we were dead or alive. We could never be kept apart. There were some things more powerful than worlds or universes. She was my world, as much as I was hers. What we had, we knew.
The poems are all wrong. It’s a bang, a really big bang. Not a whimper.
And sometimes gold can stay.
Anybody who’s ever been in love can tell you that.” –pg. 421 of Beautiful Redemption by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl.

And didn't you know
That this is how I've always felt about you,
And my most fantastic dream
Wasn't a type of fairy tale *******,
It was laughing and working through problems.
It was my understanding you
And you understanding me,
And it astounds me
That even at the worst
We've found it.

And nothing can keep me from you,
Because red strings don't work like that.
I am meant to be yours
Just as you're meant to be mine.

No one can ever
Tell me otherwise.

Let there be worlds between us,
Let there be trials and tribulations
Of the most dangerous and detrimental kind,
And I promise I will find you,
Each and every time.

Because you don't just walk away from someone,
Love isn't about the times when keeping on is easy--
It's about when it's the hardest thing to do.
And I will do it,
Through and through.

I don't believe Frost
When he said
"Nothing Gold can Stay."

And maybe it's because
I'm not looking for Gold.

Because I don't need it,
No,
I need the red and orange sunset.
I need the blue and green seafoam.

And if nothing Gold can stay,
Then I guess I'm heading out.

I've watched pain and guilt
Cloud your colors.
And though I've never seen
Anger overtake your features,
I'm sure my fear
Will subdue it
When I flinch away.

And maybe people don't understand,
I'm a walking lie detector.

You can't fool me,
So please don't try.

I've seen the gold of your heart,
And I know it stays,
Day by day.

Sometimes gold can stay,
Believe me when
I say
I will never
Turn away.

Listen up,
Because I won't say it twice.
I suggest you hear me out,
Though I won't promise that this will be
"Nice".

I'm an open book,
My heart on my sleeve,
But I'm opinionated and fiery,
Take it or leave.

I don't get walked on,
Without repercussions,
That's it, sorry sweetheart,
End of discussion.

And I'm sweet, yeah, okay.
But I'm the kind of person people search for,
I'm one of a kind,
You won't find any more.

And I'm loving,
I'm kind,
But there are dark things
You should pay mind.

Cracking knuckles
And bark from trees,
I'm no angel,
Don't think I am, please.

It's taken me a long time
To have enough self worth
To remain here happily
On earth,

But let's make it simple,
Let me make myself clear,
You can't break me--
I'm the strongest monster here.

And I'm small when I whisper,
"I just feel like
I'm sitting out in a rain storm,
Holding an umbrella over a little fire
To keep the world from blowing it out,
And so far I'm succeeding,
But they're trying so very hard,
And I just don't know why
They want to blow out my my fire?
All it does is make the dark of the storm,
A little brighter."

And the little flicker of hope in my heart
Responds so brightly,
I almost forget about my fire.
"Because," She says, "You're strong enough to handle it."
"And if the worlds adds more shrapnel to your pyre,
You will have to burn all the brighter."

So I'll sit out in the rainstorm,
With an umbrella and a cold,
Protecting this little fire,
And I think I'll be okay.

I want you
To miss me.
And I want you
To care.

But most importantly
I want you
To talk to me.

I want to understand.
I want to know.
I care enough
That I ask so often.

And maybe it's childish
But you're my world,
And I'd do anything
To make you smile.

I've been spiraling
All over the place.
And I don't know
If I'm going to make it out
In one piece.

That is if I make it out
At all.

Please don't believe me
When I tell you nothing is wrong.
Don't believe me
When I tell you I'm fine.

I'm trying to protect you
From myself,
But don't let me,
No,
Don't let me.

I'm not okay,
I'm sorry.
I'm scared and I can't do it
By myself.

Breathe life into me,
Because I'll be okay,
I promise you.
But I can't be okay
Right now.

I don't know how to tell you
I don't know how to just say
That I'm so far
Away from okay.

I wish you'd ask
How I am
And I wish you'd
Be a little more attentive,
For the sole reason
That I'm not holding up
As well as I've been.

And my head is spinning,
And I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe.

What am I supposed
To do,
I can't breathe,
I don't know what to be.

And I'm lost
And concerned
And I need someone
To help me find my head.

See, I've lost it,
In all this turmoil,
And now I can't
Find myself.

Will you help me?

Loving someone so much creates an ache in your heart.

- Your chest is tightening due to the anxiety that floods your senses.

- You keep trying not to let stupid words trigger you worse than they have.

- You can't type to save your life because you're shaking too bad.

- You're trying to cook but you end up forgetting what you're doing because you're too distracted by blind hatred.

- Your brain is overwhelmed by its' malfunctioning chemicals and you're somehow still more stable than someone with less abbreviations.

- You find that so funny but you know it's even actually kind of terrible.

- You're so confused because you, the girl who literally said horrible vicious things to someone just so they'd hate you, so you could off yourself without guilt and so they wouldn't have to attend your funeral, thereby ending a friendship in the one of most painful and selfish ways possible, are somehow considered a good person.

- You go to confession multiple times and still don't feel forgiven.

- You remember your views align much more closely with Wicca than Catholicism, but you still call yourself Catholic.

- You just don't understand why people are so stupid.

- It would be laughable if it weren't for the fact that it's technically slander.

- You can't come up with anymore feels because you're disassociating. Oops

There's no right way
To hurt someone.

There are ways that are too
Cruel
And ways that are more
Gentle

But there is no right way
To break a person.
There is no correct way
To hurt them.

You can live your life
Feeling guilty and broken up
About what their twisted perspective
Has made you think you've done.

Or you can learn from it,
And move on.

If I may I suggest:
Burn the bridge,
Remember the inferno's heat,
And keep walking forward.

BPAD
And
MDD
And
GAD
And
ADD
And
PTSD

And you wonder why I call my brain
Alphabet soup?

So many things
Going on in my head
And while I am astonished
That you love my insanity,
I am even more bewildered,
That you've somehow
Come across the parts of me
That are sane.

And I struggle from time to time
Finding bits and pieces
Of sanity
And putting it back together,
But you help
With casting light on those parts
More than you could ever know.

And I feel like
My chest is too tight
And like
My throat is closing
And like
I need to rip my heart out,
It's beating too fast.

But even on my worst days,
You still find ways to show
That you love me,
And I could never be more grateful
To you--

For holding me through anxiety attacks,
For wiping away tears,
For making me smile
When I forget that I can.

I know you hate when I thank you
For things you think you're supposed to do,
But no one before you
Wanted to.

And no,
Love can't heal my disorders.
But it sure does help me
Along the way.

My eyes are buzzing
And colors flood my senses
And I'm suddenly blinded
By the the calming disassociation
That being livid sometimes gives me.

I don't take klonipon
Anymore,
Though my doctor still insists
On writing prescriptions for it.

And don't shove down my throat
How bad she thinks she had it,
Because she doesn't know
The half of it
And she doesn't even know
How this world works.

So I'll get myself
A glass of water,
Swallow down my anxiety and tears
Along with two Motrin and a couple Benadryl.

Wait for the colored noises
To calm down.
Rub at my eyes and ears,
Waiting for the ringing from my internal screaming
To stop.

And I see in blurs
And I hear in colors.

And so I will listen to Modern Baseball's album "Sports"
For the umpteenth time
To calm me down.

My wrists are wet from the ice
I would press to my veins,
And my skin is crawling
So I'll try not to touch anything
Besides my fingers to the keyboard.

I gave you the option
To love me or leave me.

And you chose the former,
So I somehow figure
That's the final decision.

And despite all efforts
Against us,
I know for a fact that we'll make it.

I can't laugh maniacally
And I can't hurt someone
Without feeling lots of guilt,
I can barely keep a secret
If it's mine and I think it'll hurt someone.

So stamp
"Chaotic Good"
In red on my forehead,
And I'll only do good
If it so suits my moral compass.

But my good involves
Vengeance,
It involves fighting for honor.
It involves putting the care
For the people I love
First and foremost.
***** the idea
That those who attempt
Volatile blackening
Of names
Deserve to be validated
Or made to feel supported,
I'd rather rip them to shreds,
In that righteous way I have about me.

And maybe it's wrong,
But I can't make a plan for world *******,
Because honestly I don't care enough.

And I'd make a terrible villain
For the same reasons I'd make a terrible lawyer,
Because I shake when I'm anxious
And cry when I'm mad.

But at least I know
I wouldn't be able to sit back
And watch the world burn.

And within my dream
I recall,
The ferocity of which I could
Only really growl,
"Leave him alone,"
An "Or Else." bleeding through
My tone.

And the images of
Those that have granted me
Only nightmares
Flashed before my eyes
And I realized
My own sins
Have made theirs seem greater.

I know what lies look like,
I know how they read.

Hatred makes a truth
Twisted and convoluted,
Makes you see double the pain,
Double the anguish.

It exaggerates hurt,
And lengthens the scars.

I am aware of this,
For I do not speak
My hatred's names.

I  dreamt of fire last night,
I dreamt of flames.

But you are the cold winds,
You are the rain.

I need the rain,
To **** the fire
That burned at my flesh,
At the raw parts of my heart.

And so you did.

Humans are foolish,
And cruel.
They are petty
And vapid
And monstrous.

We have come up with
Thousands of negative words
To describe ourselves,
And we have gone to great lengths
To prove it to be true.

But with good intentions
And striving to be strong
And noble,
We make mistakes
That could easily destroy us.

And in our foolishness
We are beautiful
And kind
And good.

Humans are flawed
And destructive.
But there is a balance,
And there is good
Within the few
Of us.

You are my light,
Calm and clear
I see you as vividly
As I know the monsters within myself.

I see horrible things,
And I've done horrible things.
But let's get something clear,
I am the only
Monster here.

And I do not say this for pity,
Nor do I say it for grace.
I say it for peace,
And to maybe save some face.

But I desperately hope
That you'll still love me so
Despite my vicious actions,
And you'll see to my good intentions.

I have a cold front,
An icy demeanor,
That I'm afraid you have yet to see.

I have no use
For my colder parts
When I am so
In love
With you.

But I'll have you know,
Any threats to my priority's
Future,
Will be eradicated
Promptly
And efficiently.

You are my priority,
And we share a future.

I love you so,
You are my light,
My love,
And I will not let
Petty little brats
Get in the way
Of that.

So still hold me
In whatever light you so find fitting,
But I am not an angel,
I am not good,
Save for my intentions.

I have been through hell and back,
And darling dear,
Trust me that the hell I've seen
Is something you would not survive.

And your surly lies
Leave me with laughter,
I cannot believe
Your audacious behavior.

You're a liar and a fraud,
And honey, I just call it like I see it.
I'm sure it was true to you,
But the truest of truths
Is not what you see.

The truest of truths
Does not paint you as a victim
Or him as a monster,
It paints you as psychotic
And him as naive.

Try
Your hardest
To paint images
Of him
Black.

You will succeed
In angering
The worst of the monsters
You've ever had the fear
Of imagining.

Your reasons for your fears
Are ungrounded,
But your fear
My dear
Is not.

Live well,
And be happy.
You deserve
Nothing more.

But try to poison
My thoughts once more
And you will never taste
Regret
So sweet.

Why does it even matter, it never even mattered. I'm just the broken little fragment of a memory, I could be so much better but I'm not, why should I be? Because why should I know anything, why should I be prefaced, why should it be explained? I'm nothing no one and I've never mattered and still don't.

I'm not even mad. Just sort of hurt.

So thanks for knocking the wind out of me from four hundred miles away. Maybe I'll be able to breathe again, but you're the only air I need but that doesn't matter, I guess, not to you.

I am the blue of a bruise.
I am the black of the bags under your eyes.

I am the tar in your lungs,
I am the acid in your throat,
I am the venom in your veins.

I am shivering out of fear
And insecurities.
I am shaking out of hatred,
And all the rage you possess.

I am making the music louder
Louder
Louder
Louder
Too loud.

I am curled in a corner,
With a blanket pulled over your head.

I am the poison you know
All too well.

I am the reason you say
You're probably going to hell.

I am disgust
I am rage
I am the reason
You don't make it
To the end of the day.

I am all your deep seeded
Insecurities
And I'm coming out to play.