I lose myself in
The anxiety attacks
And I hate it
And I regret it.

But I can't change it,
I can't control it.
I try and I try
And I fail.

I want to be
Whole
I want to be
Strong
But I'm going to need
A little help
Along the way.

I'm not the best at flying,
And I'm not the best at being
My best
But if you could hold my hand
Along the way
I might be
Okay.

Except i don't.
but let's roll with it

I want to bleed
all the ways
you aspire me to
I want to bleed
all the colors
you could imagine.

I want to be beautiful
even when no ones watching.
I want to be the sunset
the sunrise.
I want to be the sunlight
for you
on your darkest days.

I want to be bleed
and I want to feel
and I want to be
everything you desire.

and I'm not the brightest
my cynicism has made me dull.
and I'm not the prettiest,
I know too many truths
to let myself become nothing more
than my smile.

heed my words,
heed my warnings.

I am more than you desire--

I hope you can handle it.

I've always thought
I would go completely unnoticed
For most of my life,
As though I were
Rain to a body of water,
Or the slight change of the wind
In a tornado.

But it seems
For some reason,
To you,
I am much more drastic
A thing.

And I won't put
Words in your mouth
Or try to find what I could be,
But you seem to take notice of me,
More than I take notice of myself.

And I've found
That I matter to you
In ways
I don't matter to myself.

And maybe
I need to take note,
But I know
You matter to me
Like the sun that warms my skin,
Or the sky that brightens my mood.
Or the rain that brings water,
And the green of the grass
Or the lively sounds of the birds,
You are all that I can fathom,
And that I desire.

Echo back to me
Sweeter songs
Than I sing.

Echo back to me
Words softer
Than the words
I speak.

I'm not quite as
Good as I'm sure
You thought I was.

Not quite as
Exciting
Not quite as
Perfect.

But **** it,
If I won't try
To live up to
Whatever expectations
You might have had
Of me.

And if I fail,
At least I fail
Trying my heart
Out.

I am the daughter of the moon,
And those I love cannot see me,
Because they don't care to look
At what is hard to see.

I am the daughter of the moon,
I come and go with the tide.
The coyote is my brother,
We mourn and howl side by side.

I am the daughter of the moon.
I spend most nights hiding in the shadows,
The new moon can't find me
When I feel so hollow.

I am the daughter of the moon,
I am made up of constellations.
You can't see me because
Everyone else shines so bright in preparation

For all the good things they'd rather
Find
Without the promise
Of the moon in mind.

I am the daughter of moon.
I am made up with Latin words that fill my head,
Like nox, lux, and silentium.

I am the daughter of the moon,
Who had a white worry-stone
With words painted across it
To remind me not to scream.

I am the daughter of the moon,
And you can't see
Me.

You're all I want,
All I need.
You're the air
I desperately need
To breathe.

And most girls
Want someone who will
Take their breath away.
But when you're my hopes,
My dreams,
The very epitome
Of the air I breathe,
I'd be so far gone
Without you.

And I'm not fond
Of getting attached,
And I'm sure I'd figure myself out
Without you,
But I don't want to.
I don't want to,
At all.

Don't take my breath away, please.
You're the only air
I want to breathe.

You took my hand,
And I realized maybe I wanted
To hold yours forever.

You kissed each scar,
And I realized maybe
They're not so absurdly ugly.

And I'm crying
For no real reason,
Other than maybe
I would really like
You kissing my scars
Right about now.

And I really need to breathe,
I really need to calm myself,
But please love me again,
Hold me again,
Just like that.

I feel like I'm not worth your time,
But otherwise I'm okay.

I feel like my skin is crawling and I want to scrub my flesh
Until it bleeds,
But otherwise I'm okay.

I'm afraid to be alone right now
Because I'm sick of finding all the darkest places
In the depths of my mind.
But otherwise I'm okay.

I'm missing you,
And I'm hoping you miss me too.
And maybe I'm a lost cause,
But I hope I'm worth it.

I feel like nothing.
Like I'm washed up and overrated.
Like I'm some type of loss,
But not quite unimportant enough
To go unnoticed,
But not quite important enough
To really be vied after.

And maybe it's just me,
Because honestly it doesn't strike me bad
Enough to make me cry,
But it strikes me enough to sigh,
And know this is what I'm probably worth.

A response,
A small phrase of comfort,
But probably nothing more,
Probably nothing less.

But I so desire
To be held and told
That maybe it's alright,
That maybe I'll be able
To sleep tonight.

But how can I rest,
How can I breathe,
When the monsters come for me
Even in my dreams.

There's no escape,
And there's nowhere to run.
He's destroyed what worth I had,
And I'm just so done.

And wish I may,
And wish I might,
I don't have it in me,
I can't fight the past-- Can I even fight?

I wanted to be braver,
I wanted to be stronger.
But I can't do it on my own,
I can't do it any longer.

I know for sure that you'll
Help me get through,
But I'm terrified of
What this means for you.

And I'm absolutely terrified,
Of something I can't see.
It's this monster I know too well,
It's this monster that follows me.

I wish I could
Change my way,
But I don't know what to do,
Nor do I know what to say.

And I love you so,
And I know you love me too,
But with this monster beside me,
What are we supposed to do?

I need your arms around me,
As soon as you can manage.
I hope you read this.
What the hell rhymes with manage?

I would choose your storm
Over the chance of sunshine.

I would choose your winter
And blizzard
Over the chance of warmth.

I would rather get caught in your downpour
Than be within someone else's
Sunny weather.

I would  choose you on your worst day,
Than anyone else on their best.

Because even during your worst,
Most heinous torrential rain,
You are still my first choice,
My only choice.

Call me light and call me dark,
As soon as  your lips grace mine,
I am enveloped in hope,
I delve into sunshine.

There is a certain feeling
That you get from bird songs.
And there is a certain buzz
That you've given me all along.

Maybe it's your smile,
And maybe it's your arms around me,
But I want it to be you,
And I want it to with me.

And all the light
Of all the days,
Doesn't compare to how you make me feel
In every beautiful way.

You are the sunshine,
And I am the moonlight,
And I will love you for forever,
And everything will be alright.

I rhyme better
when I'm not thinking.
and I think better
with better flow
when I don't stop to think
of what I know.

and it's cold
and it's windy
and I can't think
of why I'm here,
and I wish I could vanish
just disappear

but i can't
I won't
that's not my
game
that's not how
I play.

I am shivering and frozen and missing you
and I wonder what I can do
to keep the winds
from making me colder still
and I wonder if you will
follow me through
what I've lost
and what I've gained?
older still,
I forget the name
of what the whole point
was.

but not that it matters
as long as you are mine.

I am a run-on sentence said by too many people in too loud of voices that leave you bleeding and breathless without a purpose without a hope without anything because they left and walked away abandoned you just like the nothing they thought of you as because that's what you are, right? And I always talk about myself in the second person using the general "you" so I don't feel so alone, like it's only me and no one else. And I organize my words and my stanzas with spaces to make them seem more thought out, more spaced out, but in reality my brain and thoughts sort of work like a spider web, with bursts and explosions like galaxies forming everywhere, like stars and suns going supernova. And I'm going to rethink and think and think over that last line because a sun is a star, so of course it can go supernova, that was horribly redundant. But I'm trying to just write out my thoughts and I can't help but want to scream and cry and I want to rip my hair out I want to run away I want to feel my bare feet on the pavement or feel the grass beneath my feet as I sprint away from here, I want to disappear. But I can't so I won't and dear god, stop it. Stop taking your frustration out on everyone else, especially each other. How old are you again? And I wish I had a car so I could drive away, drive to you and so this all could just disappear. I don't want to be here, I want to be far far away. I've been doing so well, but now I'm falling apart.

Call me selfish,
Scream it in my face,
Spraying saliva across my tears.
Accuse me of wanting to fight.

I spread myself too thin,
I ignore my needs
Because I want to care for other people
So badly.

I want to care so much
For everyone.
I want to make them smile,
And I hate making them cry.
I don't relish
Making others feel bad.
And I don't understand
Why others are cruel
It just doesn't make sense.

And I'll rack my brain
And cry over the cruelty
Others exhibit
But it's not worth a thing.

And I'm wanting to make you smile,
Because making other people feel better
Makes me feel better,
And I know that's a selfish reason,
But why not?

I hope I can make you feel better,
Make you laugh or smile,
Because bad things don't last,
They can't.

And my friends always ask me
"You're always here for me,
You always spread yourself so thin,
Who's going to be there for you?"

And I laughed and laughed
My way to the hospital.

And I'm trying so hard
To make others smile,
And some people try so hard
To bring me down.

And you've brought me down.

Call me selfish.

Throughout time
And space
And stardust,
There has been
A mystifying
Phenomenon
Where people lose themselves
Within their sins.

******* away
Into shards of glass and galaxies,
We are the disappearance of inhibitions,
And the birth of the notion
That love is unconditional.

Find me in the sunlight,
Find me in the starscape.
Lose me in the love of the night,
Lose me in the escape.

All that is good,
And all that is right,
Left me with moonstones for eyes,
And a missing piece of my heart.

But I've found it within you,
And I've found my light in the galaxy of your eyes.

We are of stardust,
And because of that
I only know of light,
Just remember that light can burn.

Go supernova
Within my soul,
Twilight reds
And midnight blues
Lead me back to you.

My heart is easily wounded,
The skin is raw and easily torn open,
Like scar tissue, it can't callous,
It can't harden.

My heart is warm and feverish,
A fire burning constantly,
In hopes to warm whomever touches it.

And it is a beautiful burden,
To feel so greatly,
To love so deeply.

And I will bear this burden
For forever
If it means loving you
So deeply
For all of time.

"Do you love him?"

I recall my therapist asking me last session.

"Yes,"

I answered, quickly, softly, and with all the warmth I had left.

"How do you know you love him?"

And I couldn't help but smile as I stammered out an answer,
Tears rushing to my eyes.

"Do you know what it's like to be colorblind?"

I wanted to ask.

"I have the opposite problem,"
I wanted to start.
"I see too many colors. Too much input, and it all plays out as a spinning wheel of color and light." I wanted to explain.

"But because of all the constant input of some type of color scheme, nothing makes sense."

And as I sighed, and gave my answer to him,
The much less complicated,
"He is kind, and loving, and smart, and understanding."

I desperately wanted to say, "My Bluebird makes me smile when I don't think I even remember how to. And it's because with him, the colors finally make sense."

And I know I should have said it. But how do I say it simply?

"Everything makes sense when I'm with him. That is how I know I love him."

Count each and every breath,
And break yourself trying to keep calm.
Try to figure out what parts of you are good,
And which parts of you are wrong.

Lose me within distractions,
I am but a fraction
Of the result of meaningless actions.
Harsh words and broken promises,
Made without compassion.

Within the foliage,
And within the sunlight,
Will you find me?

And who am I to be?
Lost in curse words and violence,
My presence is small,
But my words are bigger than me.

I am but a simple thief,
Stealing your heart,
And sooner or later,
I'll take your last name
As mine as well.

Maybe I've seen too much,
Maybe I've bled too often.
But you are the reason
Hardship is nothing
To me.

I have enough faith,
Enough hope,
That the sun will come out
Sooner or later.

Okay,
Scream.
Okay,
Fight.
Okay,
Call each other
Every bad name in the book.

Glower and glare
And be mutually cruel.

Hollow apologies
Like hollow promises.

What am I supposed to do?
I'm so "mature" because
I'm learning from your mistakes.
Just because you love someone
And you're comfortable with them
Doesn't mean you're allowed
To treat them like ****
Just because you're
Mad
Hurt
Depressed
Whatever.

If you love someone
And they're important
To you
You treat them like it.

End of story.

Find me somewhere
Between
What you say
And what you
Mean.

Find me somewhere
Behind
What you see
And what you
Find.

I am found in the darkest
Spaces
Of what you think and what have you
Within good graces.

You are the sunshine,
And I am the grey.
I am the night time,
And you are the day.

And if I gave what light I have,
To bask in yours endlessly,
I would give it up gratefully,
To be yours entirely.

I woke up four times last night,
And each and every time
I reached for you,
And though you were not there,
I prayed to God you got home safely.

And I miss you so,
But I know
That in four weeks time,
All this missing you will be so worth it,
Because then I will be yours,
For I love you more than forever,
More than always.

I hope to only let you bask
In the light I have found for myself,
So that I may know who I am,
And so that I may love who you are.

I remember you saying
That lions do not concern themselves
With the opinions of sheep,
And while I am still working on
Ignoring sheep,
I hope you know
That I will proudly be your lioness,
If you are to be my lion.

And if I gave into the darkness,
I'd find blood on my hands,
And a trail of regrets and sins
To follow home.

And if I struggled but continued to embrace
What little light I have inside me
I would feel a little stronger,
And a little brighter.

But I know that this
Darkness inside of me
Knows me all too well,
And it creeps up at the corners of my mind,
And slithers in through to my deepest
Most concerned thoughts,
And I've found I can fight it,
But only with the promise
Of your hand in mine.

Because the my light
Is too slight
Without the help
Of your bright.

And I'm afraid to say that I need
You,
But I'm even more afraid to say
That
It's so very
True.

And if I could tell you
That every light part of me
I learned from loving you,
Whether it be in that clandestine way
I had so many years ago,
Or the much more obvious type
That I display now,
I would tell you
In every way I know how.

Put ice on your wrists,
Or wherever the scars usually appear,
And hold it for five to ten minutes,
The urge should disappear,
Along with the sensation in your veins
The signals to you
That you're about to black out.

If you don't have ice,
Apply pressure with your hands.
Bonus points if they're cold.

Don't allow yourself to become too aware
Of the blood in your veins.

Breathing exercises help too,
And while you're at it try grounding yourself.

Count how many things you can see up to five.
Then count four things you can hear.
Three you can touch,
Two you can smell,
And one you can taste.

Make a list of what calms you,
Make a list of what gives you bliss,
See how many things go between each.

Talk  yourself down,
Remind yourself you can't do this.
Remind yourself you have to remember.

Don't focus on the trigger.
Forget it,
Quickly.

Distract yourself.
Something you can hear-- Music.
Something you can taste-- Gum.
Something you can feel-- Your lion.
Something you can smell-- His sweatshirt.
But what do you focus on?

You can't seem to find a fixed point to keep your eyes on,
And the threat of a black out is receding,
But why did it start?

You can't even remember what set you off.

Your hands are soaked.
The ice cubes melted on your wrists.

With my hands tied tight and cruelly behind my back,
And my ankles strapped to the cold metal of a chair
I think of myself as a witch tied to a stake,
Waiting for judgment.
The same shame.
The same confusion for my crimes.
The same knowing that punishment will be dealt,
No matter the case.

I'm crying in the dark, trying to scream through the tape,
But no one can hear you when the door's closed.

I should have known then,
When he locked me away,
That none of this was normal
And I should have run.

And when I heard footsteps,
My voice caught in my throat.
I remember thinking
He's going to come back and he's going to ruin me worse than before.

And in the darkness I saw nothing,
But the pitter patter of the rain on the roof and within the gutters
Of the theatre.

And I remember the light spilling into the room,
When the door was pulled open,
And seeing the face of a friend I can no longer bring myself to speak to.

And I remember him tearing the tape from my wrists and ankles
And trying to lift me back up
When I fell to the ground in broken sobs.

He rushed me to to his girlfriend,
And I cried in her arms as she and the nurse
Tried to find out the severity of my bruises,
And if anything worse had happened.

I couldn't participate in gym class for a week,
But I was out longer,
Because I didn't want to change in front of the other girls
And let them see the bruises on my hips,
Thighs,
Abdomen,
And everywhere else.

Do not tell me I asked for it.
Do not ask me what I was wearing.
Do not tell me
I should have done this or done that.

I know what mistakes I made and what mistakes I didn't make.

That wasn't the first time
Nor was it the last.

I remember the shame
Burning beneath my flesh
In my therapists office
When he asked what I was wearing
That night.
And what was I supposed to say?

"Sorry sir, you obviously can't do your job. Have a nice night."

Is what I left that office with.

And I remember bleeding,
And I remember wanting to do violent things
And seek vengeance upon him.

But it'll be six years tomorrow
Since the first time that happened to me,
And I don't think I can keep living with wanting him dead.

My skin still burns with shame,
And I sometimes still revert back,
To the witch being burned at the stake.

I learned to fly,
And I wish I had done it easily,
Part of me wishes it was done painlessly,
But I don't generally go for easy,
I don't really do painless.

I found that by ripping memories from myself,
And seeing them without the reds
Of rose-colored glasses,
That they hurt--
And though I bled,
I have found
That I'd rather bleed, I'd rather hurt,
Than see falsehoods within my delusions.

And as much as it astounds
The light of my eyes,
There's a flicker of hope,
A flicker of good,
In the failings of my broken wings,
And though I know you wish to plead and tell me
That my wings were never broken
That I just needed someone to fly with,
I'll have you know
I am aware of my failings
But I am healed enough
That I can fly beside you
And keep up
Almost as well.

But did you know,
Within my heart
The beat will falter,
But with every glance
And every time I am held within your arms,
I get a little stronger,
A little braver,
And for that
I am grateful.

I'm flying beside you,
And nothing has felt more natural
More real.

I am flying beside you,
And I have never felt more alive
And more okay.

Thank you for being the
Closest person
I have ever had
To home.

And if it were wrong
to love you
then being right
is something I'd horrifically fail at.

and if it were disgraceful
to be yours,
then let there be dishonor upon me
and all I am.

and if I was a sinner,
you'd be my redemption

and if I found a light within my darkness,
it will be you and only you.

and you are my only want
and desire.

and I love you
so.

I wish i was brave enough
to answer honestly when you ask if I'm okay.

I wish I was strong enough
to demand your attention
and hold it for more than
five seconds.

and if I could hear you tell me
that you love me
or that I am worthwhile
maybe it would help
me stop feeling the way I feel.

but I am bruised and battered
just like always
and could you ever see any beauty in
the likes of me?

yeah, right.
I wish.

How can I tell you
all the things I wish you knew?

like how when your voice takes an edge
and I have to bite my lip to keep from flinching?

or how I wish I was calmer or that I wish you would pay me more mind?

or how I look into your eyes
and see universes beyond this one?

or how your smile fills my heart just right
and your laugh makes it over flow?

how can I tell you?

that your kiss feels like the birth of a thousand new stars
or that your hand in mine is exactly what I imagine home should feel like?

how am I supposed to tell you
without breaking?

Just like birds
I learned to fly by being pushed too far,
but I pushed myself having loved you for so long.

just like birds
your voice is as sweet as any music
I've ever heard
(even if you can't necessarily sing)

just like birds
our love is an everlasting
spiral of color and light

just like birds
there is a ferocity to protection
and a mourning after loss.

just like birds,
life and love are found in the most peculiar places.

And I know I am strong
Because I have been far too brave,
For far too long.
And I know I am brave,
Because it was myself
I had to save.
And I know I possess the fury of a storm,
Because there was a blizzard
The winter I was born.
And I know I am loved,
Because his smile rivals
The warmth of light from above.

I used to wonder if angels breathe,
In one two three,
Out one two three four.

I was taught by a therapist
That you breathe in
But you breathe out a little longer,
And I've always wondered
What that really did
Because it never really stopped the anxiety entirely
Like the way you tend to do.

And I know my skin is pale,
And my flesh is soft,
And every curve of my body
Would not be considered defined in the muscular sense
Save for the fact that I look so much smaller
Than others.

And I wonder if you'd still love me,
If you saw me emaciated at 110 lbs,
When I was in the hospital.
I could count my ribs,
Without holding my stomach in.

And at 120 lbs,
I wondered if you would have loved me
If I weighed any more,
And now at 125 lbs,
I realize it doesn't really matter,
You love me nonetheless.

And I struggle even still to eat,
Most days I feel sick from drinking too much water.

And I breathe in
One two three
And out
One two three four,
And I'm looking at the time,
And I'm looking at your texts,
And I wonder if you see me
As I see you?

And while I know you love me
As I love you,
I can't help but wonder
Do angels breathe too?

I've got running away running through my veins,
And I'd like nothing more
Than to stay.

And I remember
Days of packed bags
And the unknown,
And days of color
Or days of grey.
I remember every person,
Who never intended to stay.

If I breathe in the rain,
I can recall picking fights,
And my own wrong-doings,
But if I breathe out for too long,
It fades away like fog,
And I am left with the reasons I am strong.

And maybe today,
I remember the grey
And those who never intended
To stay.
But tomorrow is for color,
And all that I always wanted to do and say.

I've still got running away running through my veins,
But I've made the choice that I'm going to stay.

My days are filled with color
And bright lights.
I see them everywhere,
And people try to attribute it
To some kind of mental illness
Or problem.

And while my head
Is basically
Alphabet soup,
These colors I see
Have nothing to do with
The reason I take
Multicolored pills
Every day
At various times.

Some days are red,
And others are green.
Some are pink
And today is grey.
My best days are blue,
And white rarely occurs.
Orange is a bad day
And yellow days are the worst.

Black days fill me with dread,
And on brown days, I'd rather disappear.

Gauge me on my colored days,
To help figure out how I feel.

I met you on a blue day.
And fell for you on the same,
And how astonishing it is
How these colors used to cause me pain,
But you seem to light up this darkness,
So I may see them
Clearly.

And I can write
As many things as I'd like,
Flutter about just like a bird
Getting the hang of flying
(which is basically the case).

I can't sing
To save my life
But if I could breathe life
Into the coldest depths
Of this grey sky,
I'd be a little more proud
A little more able.

But what constitutes as life,
And what constitutes as death?
Is life a part of death,
Or death a part of life?

And people always say
That love isn't the most important thing
About life,
But that's so far
From the only truth I know.

Because everything we do
That's good
And everything we do
That's bad
Is out of love.
For ourselves, or those we must protect.

Whether it be platonic or romantic
Selfish or selfless,
Love is the reason,
Love is the cause.
Whether it be from an abundance
Or a lack there of.

My days are filled with color,
And my eyes are filled with stars.
If only you could see the gold within my darkness,
I could find the fire burning bright within your eyes.

Love someone who makes you think,
Love someone who makes you question your perspective.
Love someone who holds you after a nightmare.
Love someone who makes winter feel like spring.

Love someone who you can watch a fire with, and it feels like a light show.
Love someone who you can dance with (and it's not terrifying).
Love someone who you can see a future with.
Love someone who you can tell all your dark, deepest secrets to, and they don't throw you away for it.

Love someone who will be there when everything comes crashing down at once.
Love someone who will see you for who you are.
Love someone who will love you for it.
Love someone who will be patient with you and your broken parts.

Love someone who knows you and all your hearts' songs.
Love someone who knows what hurt looks like when it takes over your features.
Love someone who knows your sadness and your happiness.
Love someone who knows the difference between your smiles.

Love someone who sees how mangled you and your thoughts are.
Love someone who hears you when you say you're sorry. Really hears you.
Love someone who smells like a rainstorm.
Love someone who tastes like a warm fire when you kiss them.
Love someone who feels like you're finally home.

I was told it is sad
That I'm still bewildered
By the fact
That you enjoy speaking to me,
That you take time out of your day,
To talk to me.

That I'm not a waste of time
Or a waste of space.

And it's still astonishing
That you enjoy any part of me
As more than just a thing that's there,
But also a person,
With a heart, and mind, and soul.

And I've been told that it's sad
That I'm still in awe
Of you and your warmth
And your perspective
And kindness.

But that last part,
I don't think it's sad.
I think it's good.

It has been eleven years,
And you're still the most
Magnificent person
I have ever met.

For once I wanted to be
Someone worth fighting for.

For once I wanted to be able to look into someones eyes,
And not be so absolutely petrified of what it will feel like
When I lose them.

And for once I wanted someone else
To be afraid of losing me.

But I realize, upon feeling much lighter and sure of myself,
That it is a mark of maturity
When you don't want to be the storm that they chase,
Rather, you'd prefer to be the book they curl up with by the fire,
While the storm rages on outside their window.

And upon this realization
It occurred to me,
I am not on the brink of disappearing,
So there is no use fighting,
Nor am I close to losing the one
I love the most,
So the fear of losing him
Is senseless.

And for once,
I feel like I'm not out of place,
And I know I'm worth it,
And it's all because
I have found a truth
Within the likes of you.

Whisper to me
Softly,
Am I worth your time?
And with each and every
Word that just so happens
To rhyme,
I will take my chances,
And answer in kind.

You are the flame
Burning in my heart,
And the red string of fate
Tangles around me
Just so,
That I fall into your arms,
And am tangled within yours.

I see pictures of
The human heart,
And like every work of art,
Have you ever wondered
Why it is the way it is?

The shape we know
As a heart,
Is supposed to be two human hearts
Combined through love
As one.

And daylight fades into night,
And I can feel the shift,
Nothing is right,
But it doesn't matter.

Because how can anything matter more
At this moment
Than my yearning to be
In your arms.

Their voices
Their arguments
And their cruelty
Pierces my ear drums,
And it hurts
And I can't breathe,
Why can't they just be adults?

Why am I the adult?
You don't need to fight every battle
That comes your way.

You don't need to pick a fight
With everyone.

I don't understand,
I'm an adult.
But not quite as old as you two are,
But you're acting like children,
And not in the fun way.

It's not that difficult to get along
With each other,
I don't understand.

In the scheme of things,
Your offenses are not so bad,
There have been many
That are much, much worse.

But you fight like cats and dogs,
Nothing is your fault,
Has to be the others.
I don't want to be you,
I don't want to be this,
I don't want to become
Unforgiving and cold,
With pent up frustration
That festers and turns to rage.

I don't want to be
Cruel with my words,
Taking every chance to jump down
The throat of someone I claimed to love.

I refuse to be like that.

And I refuse to talk back.

“Nobody the dead man & Nobody the living
Nobody is giving in & Nobody is giving
Nobody hears me but just Nobody cares
Nobody fears me but Nobody just stares
Nobody belongs to me & Nobody remains
No Nobody knows nothing
All that remains are remains”

I was sixteen-- No, seventeen
When I first read that poem,
And I had memorized it
And could repeat it at will,
But nobody asked me
What the point was.

I'll let you in on a secret,
I'll let you in on the game:
I was just a child,
And yet I was a face without a name.

And here came the demon in my veins,
From my mother and her mother and
My mother's father's mother,
And it wrapped me in darkness,
It wrapped me in shame,
Why feel a thing,
When life is but a game?

And no, nobody asks you
Nobody wants to
Protect you
When it's dark
And you're alone
And everything bad
Comes out to play,
But people change.

And people change,
And I swear to God it's for the better,
And people will give up on you,
But some will stick around,
See it through,
As long as it means
Some type of happiness with you.

The poem was right,
No nobody knows nothing because nobody knows anything at all,
And all that remains
Will only ever be remains,
But I'd rather be a remainder,
Than a reminder.

I'm used to being overcast,
Kind of like a dreary
Not-quite-rainy day.

But something about you,
Awakens a sunshine in me,
And I light up like
I'm on the verge of a supernova.

And you kiss me
And you hold me
And like stardust,
My thoughts are scattered,
My mind is scattered
Across galaxies,
In hues of blushing pink,
Bruising purple,
And bright daffodil yellow.

I want you to light me up,
Like the moon turning bright red
During a lunar eclipse.
Offer me your hand,
And I'll gladly accept.

And I'm missing you,
And that fire that makes my heart
Shine so bright.
And I miss your heart,
Because in return, my fire burns for you.

I'm used to being overcast,
Kind like a dreary
Not-so-rainy day.

But something about you
Awakens a sunshine in me.

Everyone wants to be your
Friend
When they need you.

And everyone wants to be your
Enemy
When the lies that are told
Are just enough juicy gossip
To fill that void in their heart.

And everyone wants to be part of your life
When you're about to call it quits,
And just say "**** this,"
And give up on them.

Everyone wants to get involved,
When you're ready to give up on them
Like how they gave up on you.

Understanding is fine,
But you made no obligation
To chase those
Who never intended to stay.

I'll pack up my bags,
And leave accordingly,
Off to bigger and better things
Than your mindset.

You'd be proud of me,
If you could feel pride for anyone but yourself.

I'm in love,
And I'm healthy and happy.

I want to be every risk you didn't take
I want to be everything you didn't say.
I want to be your universe,
and I want to promise that you'll never lose me.

I want to be an argument at 2 AM.
I want to be looked at like I'm still your everything.
I want to be every struggle, every scar, and still coming out strong on the other side.

I want to be your forever
and I want to promise you that we have forever.
and maybe it's childish,
but I think we can make it.

I want to be twenty years down the road
and I want to look at you with the same wonder and love and awe.

and I know I will
and I know I will

I want to be the reason you wake up before sunrise.
I want to be with you, watching the sunset.

I want to be laughter at 5 in the morning,
and sleepy kisses in between everything else.

I want to be yours
so wholly and entirely.

I guess loving someone is easy,
When the laughter doesn't stop
And you're lying awake because
Of something they said
And it keeps making you laugh or smile.

But loving someone is harder
When it's 3:45 AM and you're crying on the bathroom floor,
Because the nightmares won't stop,
And neither will the flashbacks,
And everything good has come to a halt
Because you're so scared of ******* this up to.

Loving someone is hard,
No one ever said it was supposed to be easy.

Loving someone is easy,
When it's noon the next day,
And you're trying so hard to be brave
And not think about the night before.
When you're making chocolate chip cookies
And blueberry muffins,
And they're on your mind.

Loving someone is hard,
When you're mom starts talking to you
About how you have to agree with each other
That divorce just isn't the answer,
And that you'll work through anything that comes your way.
But it's hard to hear
Because you've been left behind so many times before
Because you agreed to that mindset
And no one else did.

Loving someone is easy
When they'll touch you and hold your hand and protect you.
When they promise up and down that it's different
That they mean what they're saying.
When you can see that they're telling the truth
Within their eyes and their colors.

Loving someone is hard
When all your life you struggled to love yourself.
But loving someone will never be easy,
Because then it wouldn't be
A worthwhile adventure.

I am a sort of
All or nothing
Type of person.

Either everything and all of me
Goes into everything and all of it
Or none of me does.

I do not
Sort of love people.
I either love them with all that I am and can be
Or I couldn't care less about their existence.

I never claimed it was healthy,
I never claimed it was good,
But it is me
It is all that I am.

So sit across from me
At a glass table,
Have your cards fanned out
Like bird feathers,
Covering your face,
So I cannot read your eyes,
Or see your cards in the light that burns in them.

Stoic and blank,
You draw every card
And I don't know what you have on the table,
But the only reason I look so concerned-- Well,
It has nothing to do with the cards in my hand,
I have no tricks up my sleeve.

It has everything to do
With the fact
That everything is on the table,
And I'm trusting that if I were
To draw your cards
And mine
From a Tarot deck,
That maybe our predictions
Would be the same.

I've never been good,
At card games.
Can't shuffle to save my life,
Can't read palms,
I see too many colors
To make out the lines
In that elegant manner
That you're supposed to have.

I can't read tea leaves,
They just look like faces to me.

But I'm taking a risk,
I'm taking the chance,
It's really all or nothing.

And just maybe
Instead of risking it all
And coming out with nothing,
This time I'll have something
Just something
To win.

I am an
All or nothing
Type of person.

Take my heart
Take my words
Take my memories,
And heed only these warnings:
Handle with care!
Know you will never forget what you've learned.

If I had to choose
Between loving you
And seeing the world,
Well I'd pray to God,
That I'd wake up blind.

Because I don't care
About the past,
And I don't care
About what people say or think,
All I care about
Is you and our future.

I've been trying to compliment you
Through rhythm and rhyme,
But I've come to the heartfelt conclusion,
That these things take time.

And I thought for so long,
I was broken and damaged,
And after being told
For so long
All the things
That are wrong,
You came along
And started putting things
Where they belong.

And I'd rather see in shades of gray,
Than lose you any day.

I didn't.

I never thought rain could be a good thing.

But did you know
Did you know
I'm doing the best I can
And did you know
Did you know
The light in my heart
Has only gotten brighter
Due to you?

And even if I'm afraid
Of what the future holds,
I know that if I'm holding
Your hand
I can handle anything
The world has up its sleeve.

"What is the opposite of two?"
"A lonely me, a lonely you."

But I can't let this storm
Overcast my progress,
Nor can I let
My guilt
Destroy who I am.

There's only so much
A person can do
And there's only so much
I can accept.

And I miss you
And I'm sorry
And I can't
I can't
I can't.

Remind me of a reason
Why
I choose to live this way,
And remind me of why
I choose to be honest instead of lie?

It would be easier to pretend
That I never knew--
But the guilt is eating away at me,
So I know I know I know.

Don't take my silence
As a way to say
I don't care,
Take it as
I have too much to say,
And you're not here to hear it
And that's my fault,
I know.

You'd be proud of who I am now,
I think you'd like this me better.
I can't pretend I haven't changed,
But I've changed for the better.

I can't go back there,
But at least I can try
To remember.

I'd like to think the storm
Is here
Because someone's trying to say something.
I don't know.

You become
Broken
After you lose the people
You thought would always be there.

There's always a part of you
That doesn't work quite right
After they leave you in shambles,
And even though you want to forgive all of them,
Sooner or later
You realize you shouldn't.

It's a fact of life,
That you become
Fiercely protective
Of people you thought you were going to lose
That you didn't.

Whether it be your mother
Who overcame all odds,
Or your brother,
Who didn't--
But is here anyway,
Because there's a reason he's here
There has to be.

Or people who wander around
Back into your life,
And you realize,
There's a reason
For him too.

But overcast days like today,
With all this rain and cold,
Remind you of the people
You couldn't will back into your life.
The people you didn't reach out to,
The person you didn't help.

And the guilt eats away at you,
Because what are you supposed to do?
If you could change it,
You would. A thousand times over.
But you can't.

Everyone says it's unfair to blame yourself,
But this year you're turning twenty two,
And well--
He isn't.

When people are ripped from your heart,
You become fiercely protective of who you have,
Because you are vividly aware
How easy it is to lose someone.

And you close your eyes,
And remember your mother's tears when she read a card
From her favorite of your cousins,
That went on to say how wonderful she is,
And how excited he is to meet you--
And then he was gone too,
Not a week later.

But you remember him,
And maybe it was the pictures and the stories,
But you remember him.
And everyone says it was just an accident,
But his words written in red stir something inside you,
Something all too familiar for it to be comfortable.

You push the lump in your throat away.

And then you think of her.
She was bright and lovely,
Full of life, full of love.
Wore lots of pink ribbons
In her cascading black hair.
She was so little, so young.
A child.
And that summer you went home,
And she needed you
And you weren't there
And you should have been there
But you weren't
And no one believes you
And no one wants to hear it
But it was all your fault,
And you can't bring yourself to deny that something is out there anymore,
Because if there's nothing out there
Then she's gone for good
And you can't cope well enough
With that.

Allow yourself
To become compassionate
Allow yourself to become
Protective
Of the people you love.
Reach out, open up.

You only have so long.