you whispered into my ear,
and it reached my heart,
like when we were kids,
and this was all thing we were told to keep,
Shhhhhh,
a secret.

and the secret you bore on me,
was the words,
I love you,
but,
Shhhhhh,
because this is,
the big secret

I love you
is his one word short white lie,
of,
I hate you
but you've Shhhhhhed me,
with your **kissing,

and you,
hit.
with open fists.
instead of,
closed palms.

and I thought that,
somewhere inside us,
we held love,

but it had gotten misused,
by you,
and love crumbled.

and hope,
for you to stop,
led you to close,

open palms,
into closed ones,
and mutate bruises,
on flesh.

and threw away all hope,
like the key,
to love,

It didn't start with blades,
It started with panicked hands of third grade,
going into my mouth,
To rip my teeth out,
a mute daughter,
not even wanting her compassionate and loving father,
Just waiting for the day,
To take her pain away,
And see he would be the one to find her body,
at the bottom of the deck she leaped to the ground from,
but she saw and heard his tears,
watched him carry her up the hill,
watched her daddy take her to the hospital,
to be relived to see she had a broken leg,
and to think it was an accident,
and she fell,
the daughter felt well,
but she still had a problem she couldn't fix,
and that was living,
and her mother,
who yelled and yelled,
that was the winter the girl stopped eating,
that was when the hospital became a second home,
the better parent of the divorce,
she got out of school,
for being a wrack,
looked so sick like she was a corps,
she was though,
he mother still hated her,
her daddy still prayed for her,
all because the school let everyone pick on her,
the students,
the teachers,
no one gave her any relief,
and neither parent could seem to get,
that there daughter was getting beat,
but her mother thought the way to deal with things,
was to hit,
and the girl learned that's what happens,
when your bad,
to the people you love,
and all she saw was how she hurt her daddy,
but she thought her mom deserved to get hit too,
because she didn't do anything but argue,
years later the girl got older,
got over these things,
thought things would be better,
she was still hurting herself in so many ways,
she met a boy,
who treated her with nothing but love,
he took her for a walk down her past,
made her want to love him,
like she never could love her parents,
she let him do what ever he said,
he hit her,
sometimes she would hit back,
like she always wanted to do,
but she learned quickly,
it would only make things worse,
to her this was normal,
at home,
with him,
nothing was wrong,
til the day he forced her to be naked,
tricked her,
with his little charm,
made himself seem like he cared,
said things no one ever had,
and then ****** her,
with no care,
no matter how much she cried,
no matter how much she was already crying,
he didn't care,
but she though he did,
she though this is what happens,
and let it,
with out speaking,
like old times,
she eventually left him,
over a fight he had with her in front of her friends,
she didn't figure out what he did was wrong,
what her parents were doing was wrong,
how this all made her personality disorder worse,
how what the school had done was enough,
and this put me over the top,
I broke down,
threw things,
I have never thrown things,
and this person sat there watching me,
freak out,
and I cried,
and cried,
ripping my hair out,
bitting off my whole nails,
and it wasn't Until I grabbed a pen from her desk,
that when she got up,
to call me an ambulance,
and I drew on my arm,
every ones name,
of people who had been doing these things to me,
and I filled both arms,
I took the pen,
and I sliced strait down once on each side,
laid down,
and cried,
til they too me away,
and then when they came to see me in the ER,
I couldn't remember what I had done,
And she showed me,
A security copy of my panic attack,
and I cried,
because that wasn't the me I knew,
and she pronounced,
I was suffering from so very extreme,
Post Traumatic Stress,
Or PTSD,
and I looked at her funny,
because I had never been in war
and she giggled,
almost ****** herself laughing,
and said,
soldiers aren't the only one who get it,
and we can talk more another time,

You interest me.
If only I could have come to my senses sooner.
If only I choose quality over distance.
If only I would have looked In front of me.
If only i had gotten sober sooner,
or never became an addict at all.

You simply fascinate me with every part of your soul.
It makes me sad to know that you and I will never work out now.
It makes me sad to know that ******* you,
is the only way I can get close to you again.
It makes me sad that I think sometimes and almost believe,
that you just are using me.

You make me want to learn about your life.
I want to hear about your job.
I want to hear about your day.

I want to hear about the struggles and the ups and downs.
What happened with your car.
Why did you stop wearing your cross?
I want to hear it all.

You always made me happy,
and always took care of me.
Even though I was just a friend.
Even though I lead you on.
Even though I never told you how I feel.
Even though I didn't deserve your support, or help.

You make me want to love you,
but you will never love me.
For my mistakes.
For my imperfections.
For myself.

I am unsure how to feel.
I feel like I need to explain myself,
but don't know where to start or what to say.

I am to scared to push you away again.
I'm scared of ******* up.
I'm scared of it all.

But you also make me feel at peace,
while I'm also now anxious,
wanting to know what you think.
But you also never tell me how you feel or anyone really.

I want to know you.
All of you.
I want you to know who I really am.
Not the idea you have of me currently.

oh do I love you,
or does my head just make me think I do.
as my heart beats so fast my breath can't keep up,
and I feel like I'm going to die,
as if this is some power you put over me,

but, sometimes my brain turns my thoughts into lies,
as if maybe, to help me get by, make it easiest to pass the time,
Because I know for more then a fact,
I don't deserve to be loved back,
from a person as good as the one in front of me now,

so these lies get spat out,
to distract me and you from the truth.
as I know, I need to save them from myself,

no one can love me,
like on most days,
not even myself.

I watched them bleed tears,
watched the red stain their pale face like it wanted to tear away what was under their skin,

as if tears of blood were telling them you're thicker within.
but you see,
they, couldn't stop crying,

couldn't get it all out,
what has been done to them,
they can't even speak about.

you told them blood is thicker than water,
but they bleed the thickest red tears, so large,
like ink, and will overwrite your name,

from their memory,
from there family,
from everything you have taken from them,

they won't need you gripping at their ankles,
always being the one to pull them down every time they were in a fight,
no longer will will you make them feel like they're living a worthless life,

all the good memories have been bleed on,
red ink does not come out with an apology,
and it doesn't even lift the stain lightly,

when it's done to spite them
and despite their innocence,
and despite their age,

but you ruined them,
and you think they should grow up about it,
move on about it,

and forgive you,
they kept silent,
every night they cried because of the things you would do,

and now when they cry,
they begin to bleed,
Thick tears to cover up the mess,

as to try and fix all the monstrous distresses,
fixing their family to feel something right,
breaking limbs off the family tree til it's nothing but a wreck,

snapping the limbs harder as they picture yours in its place instead,
and this is trying to live,
for them,

while everyone, they have left,
still wants to fight them,
and hurt them more then they already are.

I used to love this boy,
with ***** blonde hair,
and bright blue eyes,

I haven't spoken to him in years,
but he reached out,
and found me,

I used to love this boy,
So I was quick to message him back,
I agreed to meet him again,

He picked me up,
and was very grown up,
I felt unworthy,

I used to love this boy,
and he stopped loving me,
because I didn't call him back one day,

Since meeting up,
he has blown up my phone,
just like he had before,

I used to love this boy,
but he was controlling,
he made me feel unsafe,

I was trapped,
From all the emotions,
he took advantage of me.

I used to love this boy,
but I told him to *******,
I felt guilty,

but even though,
I was regretful,
I cannot love this boy,

I smoke more cigarettes,
because they help me breathe,
Like their my oxygen tank,
and the weight of the tank,
is like the weight of my depression,
I'm to week to drag my tank of depression,
it weighs down on me like i'm trapped in chains,

Lately the cigarettes can't numb the pain,
I've turned to drinking,
basically anything,
that will clear my mind,
every drug that can sweep my brain clear of the dust of the past,
never lasts long enough,

It just wears off,
and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders,
I cry because there is too much weighing on me,
I can't lose any of the baggage,
I just begin to crumble and fall,

so I get numb again,

try to see,
what my mind is lacking,
everyday tonight,

I've been told from a young age,
that in the end,
everything is going to be alright,

but I'll lead you in on this little secret,
a Secret a word has been blocked from,
because the human race decided to put the blinders on,

Not everythings going to be alright,
and in the end,
If things haven't hurt you,

made you forget the sky is blue and the sun rises and shines each day,
but every time you only think about the things like,
how you ponder life and death,

and sometimes its too early for thoughts that whisper in your ears,
when u have to stop to make sure you heard them clear,
because sometimes they keep you up at night,

and the nightmares play live shows,
that you wanted to return your tickets to,
but you sit there and wait til the sun shines and makes the sky blue,

because sometimes that's all you can do,
and that's as close to alright as it gets,
When battles never seem to have a victor anymore,

Because we have more tools than we know what to use,
and if we could try to not abuse the people we've claimed to love,
because we should get even they had it rough,

because we sometimes wish for things that takes hearts above angels,
and we don't know if the angels wanna listen close enough to hear,
and people sit in hospitals each day praying to someone to just hear,

praying before themselves,
because they learned that someone means more to them,
inside their world, they don't wanna live like they died as well,
because of the impact that has been put upon from person to person,

But there prays will only ever be covered up by distant strangers,
praying for things they don't really need,
and the angels try really hard to get everyone what they need,

but when angels have to sift through prays of wants rather then needs,  when those people have got a roof over their head, sleep in there own bed,
never worried about where their meals come from,

we sit wondering why prayers go unanswered,
Why we keep complain about things when we're better than it could be,
Is it because it's not how you think it's meant to be,

Can't we see how we're lucky? I wonder to myself,
Do I have the right to be depressed over the thing that have been done to me,
even as bad as they have seemed, even the  worst afflictions done onto me,
when countless people have it worse and say,
everything's going to be alright,

because I still don't feel like it's alright,
when my world crashes before my feet as people shove you,
off cliffs for the fun of hearing your screams echo as your fall.

But sometimes you want to fall too,
Sometimes we leap off the building that mimic cliffs,
because we can't take everything,

because sometimes,
like life handed us out the rotten lemons,
because from the start we learn how it's never going to be sweet,

But we have to learn to make the most of it,
so even when thing seem like nothing could get better,
we know at some point,

maybe right now nothing is going to be alright,
and everything's not going to be alright,
but something will be alright,

But it just takes time,
and patience,
as we learn to make the most of rotten lemons.

My nostalgic mood,
does not help in getting myself separated from feelings of you,

My nostalgic heart,
is abandoned and can't restart.

My nostalgic mind,
Makes me day by day get behind,

My nostalgic corpse,
can't get its motions to get towards,

any kind of new beginnings,
because of my nostalgic thinking's.

Why does my soul strive to lead me towards broken things,
As if my soul wasn't broke enough, my soul likes to forget my memories,
memories of bad people doing very bad things,
My body doesn't need a reminder, as we know the taste of this disease,
it's eaten away at my body before,
making every breath harder and harder to breath in air,
like a mother gasping to bring her child with life again, I mourned,
My soul should've learned by now, I don't dare to give prayers,
to broken and bad things, full of hate and hurt,
these types of people attract to me like i'm in pain,
I don't find my soul like theirs trapped six feet underground in the dirt,
instead, I'll cry longer then the rain,
as if this will wash away my misery rather then hurt someone I love,
but instead my body longs for bad souls like you,
you're down below the dirt my love, and i'm trapped crying for you above,
where you and I meet again has to be different, has to be new,
I'd let myself ignite like a fire and burn,
I'd watch you dump water over my flame,
and expect  me to return,
but the shameful fact is the flame is more tamed,
then the water,
I wanted peace,
you wanted to slaughter,
Maybe I need to let you go, like butterflies you eventually must release,