If I had a ticket out of town,
I'd make it one way.
Scrawl a letter goodbye
& leave it on your pillow as you're fast asleep.
Take one good look
And stash it deep inside my memory.
Coffee cup in hand
Suitcase in the other.
I climb into my car
And just drive.
Past the laundry mat
Past the library
Past the old school we knew and loved.
I'm lacking a destination
And a sense of direction.
Map's laid out on the passenger seat
But I've got my eyes on the road.
A blur of memories pass me by
As I inch closer towards the stop sign.
But I don't stop
Because I can't.
Cause If I do,
I'll never reach where I'm meant to be.

Like you were the back of my hand.
Didn't have to think twice
Or wonder about what words to use.
But now I can't even put two and two together.

The spaces between our fingers feel i n f i n i t e
Even though you're a mere an inch away.
But I guess that's where we'll always stand.
We're just two puzzles pieces to the same picture
But not the right match.
You were a chest to be unlocked,
But I couldn't be your key.
I opened my door to let you in,
But I don't think you were so certain
On what to do.
Would it have been such a crime
To stay the night.
Whisper secrets while under 3 am's spell.
Tell the things we kept inside our guarded hearts.
Would it have been such an unthinkable thought
To think
That second chances were possible
(Then again it felt more like three).
It could have been different-
It would have been.
But, sweet pea, like they say
Not everything's meant to be.
& one of those things apparently
Included you and me.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when people will stop treating each other like possessions.
You'd think that in kindergarten we had been taught how to share.
“Everyone gets a turn,” our teacher would say.
"Five seconds at the water fountain after recess.
Pass along the book to the person next to you.
Share your box of crayons with those at the table."
We were taught how to share the tangible
The objects at our feet.
But what my teacher never taught me was how to share the intangible-
Concepts such as time, trust, and love.
Ultimately at the end of the day she never taught me how to share people.
The problem with people is that you want to keep them-
Keep them close
Keep them tight
Keep them safe.
You don't want to take turns because you fear that they will find someone who is better than you.
That one day they will leave because you were not enough.
So to suppress our paranoia we resort to rules and regulations.
We employ the facade that what we are doing is out of love
When in reality we are living in fear.
People are not possessions.
We are human beings
Capable of emotion and free will.
We are granted the ability to choose
For that freedom is what distinguishes ourselves from the rest.
We are not objects upon a shelf
To be taken down when felt like or guarded like a metal safe.
We are not punching bags
To be used at one’s disposable.
We are not mountains
To be climbed and conquered.
We are human beings
Yet humanity continually treats each other as if nothing.

"Is it a crime to have some faith in me?"

I'd sing you a song
But we've grown out of tune.
A simple melody we were
Basic notes strung together
In hope to be something beautiful.
But notes turned long
And the tempo changed
As we crescendoed toward the final measure.
I'd write you a story
Except the ending's already here.
We were never a blank page from the start-
Already ink stained from the constant rewriting of our chapter.
We wrote and we wrote
Until
Our pens gave out mid sentence one night
From all the
Scrawled out words
Crossed out mistakes
And unwritten secrets.
I'd paint you a picture
But the colors have run dry.**
My palette of reds and blues and greens
Have mixed to a murky gray.
The paint brush has grown stiff in hand
As I stare at the mess I've made.
What used to be something wonderful
Has become a blur of
Bad timing
Indecisiveness
And "oh wells."
Where there used to be a picture
Is now just an abstract version of
What could have been
But
Never will be.

A seed has been planted in my head.
Just a single
Solitary
Seed.
I pushed it aside and
B
u
r
i
e
d
It
Underneath a million other thoughts instead.
I tended my thoughts endlessly.
Watered
      them
          with
              doubts
                  excessively.
& let them bask in the light of insanity.

So they sat.

And sat.

And sat.

Slowly
R
  o
    o
      o
         t
           s
Dug down deep
And clung to every bad thought conceived.
They started from my head and curled down my spine-
Encased every inch of my being-
Until the person in the mirror
Wasn't me anymore.

You say you're on a quest
A journey
To find the truth.
You turn over rocks
Look underneath the bed
And search between every crack.
You squint
Hoping your vision blurred
Will stir
Something new.
Maybe you overlooked something
Perhaps you missed what's right there.
Like they say,
It could be right under your nose-
Hiding in plain sight.
But you constantly run
Constantly avoid
Constantly turn away
From what's in front of you.
So how can you say that you're searching for truth,
When all you do is run away?

You're looking for a soldier
Who'll stay and fight.
Hold that gun high and proud.
But I'm the one who'd pull the trigger
On myself.

You're looking for safe ground
A place to rest your tired feet.
But every where I step
A crack in the pavement is made.
My feet is battle scarred by the bits of brokenness I've walked on.

You can train me up for battle
As hard as you want.
Put me through all the courses
Run all the laps needed
Make me to be the ideal fighting machine.

But as hard as I try
To stand my ground,
Someone always has the upper hand.
A  bigger gun
More bullets.
And bang
I'm left for dead.

This insanity is keeping me sane.
This frustration
Reminds me that I can still feel.
This pain in my chest
Tells me that my heart is still working.
I let out a breath of sweet relief
Knowing that I haven't grown numb just yet.
But the "yet" sends a chill down my
s
p
i
n
e
Because "yet" means soon.
& the "yet" means I can't escape.

no matter where life takes me
no matter where life takes you
no matter how many the miles between
remember that we are both
underneath the same sky
and for that I will be grateful.

Let go.
Let go of that burden that you
Desperately
Cling to.
Your hands have gone white
Because of the tight grip around it.
Are you afraid?
Afraid to drop it at His feet?
Do you feel unworthy of His grace?
Do you feel as though the sin you've made
Is written across your face?
The answer is yes and yes.
We are unworthy
Unholy
Unclean.
But He calls to us-
He chases after us!
Because He loves us.
He loves you.
& He loves me.
Even after all that we've done-
All that we've hidden
All that we've failed to do-
He still loves us.
& His love is never ending.
It flows like a fountain
Without end.
There is nothing we could do to stop that love
From pouring out
Towards us.
It wraps itself around you and me
Encompasses us until we do not see ourselves.
We see change.
We see a difference.
We see God.

Temporary fixes
Is all I've ever looked for.
A little something to take the edge away
A little something to make me forget
A little something to make everything okay
But it never lasts
This temporary fix of mine.
It's prescribed for my head
But never for my heart.
I keep wanting more and more
Because more and more
Just piles up
With
Each
Passing
Day.
This place I call home isn't the safe haven
I've grown up in anymore.
The endless laughter and smiles
Can't cover up the pain I dig into.
My precious notebook and pen
Can't scratch out reality.
Things have changed,
And I just want to get away.
But the more I've tried,
The more I've been denied.
It doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
The pain can be buried,
But uncovered once again.
The cuts might not bleed,
But they've left a scar.
There has to be something more than
This-
Than this temporary fix.

Is what I feel out of obligation or sincerity?
Cause quite frankly
Nothing's making sense to me.
I'm standing in a crowd of people
And all I see is you.
But I swear,
I don't.
I don't want to see you again and again and again.
You'd think once was enough,
But fate must hate me
To give me another glance of you.
I keep telling myself that this
Wasn't
How things were supposed to go.
There was so much left to do
To say
To accomplish.
Tomorrow was (not) our day to take by the hand,
But now Yesterday is dragging me back.
Clinging to me.
Since I'm the only one left standing there.
There's just one thing to do.
One thing left to say.
Then it'll all be over.
But
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't say the words that I've been dying to say.
I can't say "goodbye."
Goodbye was never an option,
But it's starting to sound like my solution
To this never ending equation.

You don't know what it means to love because you aren't looking at Love.

You want what love can give you-

The security

The ignorance

The company-

But you have yet to think about the receiving end.

Love is not what-can-I-get-out-of-this

But

What-can-I-give-to-you.

Love is selfless

Not self-seeking.

Love isn't something that you feel.

It's something that you do.

Love is standing right in front of us,

Yet we are too blind.

You know that all those "you" and "us" and "we"?

It should really say "I."

L-o-v-e is something that still doesn't make sense to me.

It's all in your head,
They said.
All the thoughts.
All the figures.
All the shadows.
It's a figment of your imagination.
A mere variable added to the equation
That was never there.
From the start it was just you-
No one else
Nothing more.
One day
You built a safe haven
Because you wanted a place to hide.
On the next
You created a friend
Because you didn't want to be alone.
But you need to wake up-
Oh,
You must!
Child, wake up and see that this fantasy
Will never be your reality.
As good as it seems
It will never be.
Stop smelling the roses
And see the thorns that are pricking your side.
You think it's so sweet
But really it's just poison down your throat.
So wake up.
Wake up before this dream
Becomes your prison.

Regret is being locked in a room with mirrors plastered on every possible stretch of wall. Everywhere you turn you can see yourself in all your glory. You see the dirt underneath your nails from each passing night. You see the redness of your skin from where you had obsessively scrubbed clean. You see the blisters on your fingers from desperately clutching onto the burden you constantly bear. But what you don't understand is that- yes, regret is being locked in a room, but you are the one holding the key.

These feelings need to die
Because they aren't doing me any good.
They've already grown roots-
Holding onto the deepest part of my mind.
& it *****.
It really really *****.
Cause it's all I think about.
It's all I see when I turn around.
& I know, oh, I know,
How dangerous these thoughts can be.
So I'll grab a knife to
Cut out these silly little feelings.
I'll take a hammer
And nail my heart up.
I'll layer bricks high
Just to keep you out of sight.
& though it might hurt just a tad,
It's probably better this way.

An ocean away
Can't keep our problems at bay.
It felt surreal holding my ticket
Just ten days ago.
A simple piece of paper
With simple black, blue, yellow, and red ink
And simple words and letters.
But this piece of paper whisked us a world away.
Took us to an island
Filled with people I didn't know
Places I've never been to
Feelings I wasn't accustomed with.
It was supposed to be an eighteen day escape
A trip to relax and, well,
Let go.
& to some extent it still is.
I've still got time to go to the beach,
Feel the waves lap at my feet,
And be somewhere other than home.
But reality has to come back into view somehow
Some day
In some sort of way.
It just always has to.
& with reality comes problems.
& with problems come worry.
& with worry comes feelings and choices
That I don't want to contend with.

Wishing on stars
Won't get you too far.
It won't matter how far it is
Or how bright it shines.
You can't sit at the window for hours
And cross your fingers until they're blue.
Put your heart and soul
Into "I wish I wish I wish..."
Why?
Because you can't just sit back
&
Hope something happens.
You have to get up and do something-
Anything
If you really want it.

We're all authors
Typewriters
Pens
Pencils
Erasers.
We have stacks upon stacks of paper
Piling high
Of what we wish could happen
&
Of what really did happen.
We're all painters
Palettes
Paintbrushes
Tubes of endless
Reds
Blues
Greens
Blacks
Yellows
Whites
& in betweens.
We try to make a prettier picture
Of what's in front of us.
Try to take something ordinary
And make it other worldly.
We're all photographers
Polaroids
Camcorders
Film strips
Memory cards.
We capture the moment
And
Lock them in our hearts
Imprint them upon our brains
Because we don't want to forget.
We are all artists.
Because we each have visions
And create them
In order for others to see what we see
And
Feel what we feel.

Under these sheets
My problems lay.
My pillow lies next to me
When it really should be you.
A soft imprint still sits from where you last were.
A mere trace of who you used to be.
A ghost of what I used to believe.
But like every word you ever said,
It's all gone.
All that's left is empty sheets and lonely nights now.

I'm floating
Floating on a little river
Down to who-knows-where.
Direction and time is something
Unheard of
In a place like this.
Time could be tick-tocking away
And I could care less.
The current's taking me wherever it pleases,
And I'm in no mood to argue today.
It's just the river and me-
Enjoying the sunlight and summer breeze.
It's nice finally nice not having a care.
There's no burden
Or heavy weight dragging me down
On this little river of mine.

You told me to forget,
So I forgot.
Forgot about the days in the summer sun,
The hours spent together.
As if we were next to each other.
I deleted traces of what you did-
Wiped them clean off my memory.
I don't need them anymore;
I'll be just fine without them.
So if someone were to say your name,
I won't think twice before answering.
The feelings won't flood back
Because they can't.
They'll have dried up into the atmosphere,
Leaving just me here on earth.
So I did what you told me.
I forgot.
Forgot all that you did.
But every word that you said-
It's echoing in my head.

I was never one to stay and you were always one to leave.
We were from opposite corners of the same puzzle,
But how I wish we could have clicked together.
& maybe in some sense we both already did.
We were both wanderers-
Seekers of the great unknown.
Walking the paths of others before us
Just to find a place to call home.
& I suppose I should be happy-
No, thankful-
In having our paths crossed.
But it's quite a shame they weren't intertwined.
I would have liked that very much.

I find it hilarious
How we know each other so well.
We're like two halves of a whole.
Synced onto the same wave length.
But it's not going to be so funny when
One day
Maybe some time soon
That our connection will (have to) be

cut.

I shouldn't have opened my door for you.
(After all aren't you supposed to be the gentleman?)
You left the door wide open
So that you'd have a sweet escape.
But I mean the least you could have done is closed it
On your way out.
At least have the decency to say "goodbye."
At least have the common courtesy to say
Where you're bound to next.
But you didn't do that.
You didn't say "bye."
You didn't say anything.
You just
Left.
So even though I'm starting at an empty doorway,
Let me be the one to say it.
Thanks for everything-
You were there when I really needed a friend
And for that I am grateful.
It's been an interesting trip,
But like everything else
It's come to its end.
After all
I'm not a firm believer in "forever"
When it comes to people..
But I hope that wherever you go,
You'll be doing all right.

I don't like labels.
Labels mean restrictions.
Oh, you want to do that?
No no, you can't!
Labels mean expectations and
Expectations means disappointment.
Labels mean something has to be
Ought to be
Like this
& not like that.
We'd constantly be thinking if what we were doing
Was what we should be doing.

I like labels.
Labels mean structure,
And structure means order.
If everything was in its place-
Exactly as it ought to be-
We'd be okay.
We wouldn't have to worry about crossing over the lines
That the world has drawn up against us.
We'd know what to expect
And what to feel.