I don’t believe in the 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺
Of love, of teenage love.

But you do.

When I’m around you,
When I’m 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 to you,
All the doubts disappear.

But when it’s just me
I worry, 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚
That I’ll 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 you,
I’ll 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 you,
Because you thought
That we were made of steel.

You don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that our chances are 𝘭𝘰𝘸
Of being high-school sweethearts
That make it to the other side.

You don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that when I think of our 𝘧𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦,
We part ways and come back again.
You don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that I think steel melts
And then can be reforged.

I don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 if I want you to.

I feel so 𝘯𝘢𝘪𝘷𝘦 sometimes,
But I swear you’re even more 𝘯𝘢𝘪𝘷𝘦
Than me.

I want to protect you.

But I don’t believe in the 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺
Of love, of teenage love.

I don’t believe in 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺.

But I believe in 𝒖𝒔.

Leong and I are at a party, a graduating-high-school-senior throw-down. Their school year is over, and they are ready to darty. We’re at a lake house, well away from parents and neighbors.

These are the kids I high-schooled with - I just got promoted a year early. I get a lot of nods, waves and winks from some guys but none of them approach, like a mysterious inversion of attitudes has occurred - as if Yale were a nunnery and I’m a known novitiate. It’s just as well, I’m not looking for a hookup.

It’s Friday night, about 11:30 pm, the party started long ago and it’s britney-spears-2007. There are drunk girls in the pool in their underwear (Ok, that’s just exhibitionism, who comes to a lake party without a bathing suit?).

We’ve been here for about a half an hour, long enough to dance a couple of times. It’s hot and we’re sweaty but we can’t swim - Leong and I are moon sisters tonight - it’s our trauma bond. Our ad hoc solution, rubbing our arms and necks with ice, is congroovesive.

Leong is loving the bash, she keeps saying, “crazy,” like when large football players jump from the second story roof into the pool. It’s a huge pool, a huge party (with maybe 150 kids), a sound system that Led Zeppelin would envy and the house is a beach.

Everett, the host for tonight’s decadence, comes over and takes a seat by Leong and my lounge chairs. He’s a handsome guy, but there’s a cocky, entitled edge there that’s off-putting. He can be nice when he’s not trying to impress anyone.

There’s a break in the music. “You’re traveling this summer, I hear - me too - what games will you be playing?” He asks,
“I have my switch with me,” I say, “it travels well - not the whole console mind you - that seemed too extra - just the switch. So I’ll be playing Animal Crossing and Zelda - what about you?”
“Oh, I’m gonna play Grand Theft Auto - It was my favorite as a kid,” he says.
“You played GTA as a KID??” I gasp, “Why has THIS never come up?”
“I don’t know.” He admits
“How did your parents let you have that?” I ask, astonished.
“My dad’s the one who turned me onto it,” he confides, “he wanted a partner.”
“No wonder you love ******* music!” I say, making new connections.
“I DO.” He laughed. “You do,” I confirm, knowingly.

He holds a bottle of deep red something near my glass and raises his eyebrows.
“You can gas me up,” I laughed, “I’m not driving, I’m ok with it.”
Leong holds up her glass as well and he pours generously into our Sprites.

“What song can I play for you?” He asks, as a reward.
“I’m going to go basic,” I announce, after thinking about party music, “Beat it, by Fall out boy”
“You got it,” he nods, taking a moment to text the request to the DJ, before moving on to the next table.

After a moment, “Beat it” begins, there are a few cheers, but conversation becomes impossible.

Congratulations seniors everywhere!

preparing months for an exam
for a number that supposedly determines your worth
******* up to teachers, people you don't even like
just for them to hopefully write a few commendable words about you

all for the hopes of being deemed "acceptable" to some supposed authority
for a place that will decide what you'll be doing for the rest of your life
making these drastic decisions at the age of 18
when not too long ago you were just picking out your prom dress

listing down any type of hobby or recreation you have
to make yourself seem a little more unique
since the competitiveness between you and your peers is sharper than a knife
who will make the final cut in the end and be deemed worthy?

It's the name of a girl that I once knew

Who I shared so many memories with

Had fun talking to during lunch and on the bus with

Someone who I hope good things come to

That I will surely miss and will try to keep being friends with

Someone who's friends with me except for the fact that I'm LGBTQIA+

A girl who I'll say thank you for being a friend to

we play, we play, we play

we play with peoples hearts
we play them like a game

we play with our grades
and end up working like maids

we play with our teachers
giving them a hard time
who cares though, cause whose time are they really wasting?
its mine, its mine, its mine!

we think high schools a joke,
so lets all just play!

we think friendships are fun,
we make a friend, and dump one!

we are pretty, pretty, pretty
and thats all that matters, really

looks and body counts, boys, and purging out

this wont matter in 4 measly years,
so lets all just have fun and enjoy these useless couple of years!