Today I had a talk with someone that made me question my perspective on love.
What is love to you?
I asked a close friend and she said love is to be able to never get tired of a person and to appreciate their flaws. Love is to want to compromise.
Then I asked her, even if they cheated on you?
And she said no.

As I had this certain talk with someone that made me question love, he started off by saying that in the bible, it is written that one should not marry someone who doesn't believe in the God of Abraham.
Now what does that mean?
He told me that in modern day, it means you should not marry a person who is not a Catholic.
But why would God say that right?
God loves you unconditionally. When I say unconditional, i mean God will love you no matter what, even if you commit ****** or any other sin.
So he told me, "So 'believing in the God of Abraham' actually means understanding and believing in the idea of unconditional love.

"Unconditional love is required to keep two people happy together. The bible says you cannot be together forever with someone who doesn't believe in unconditional love."

Here's an example that this certain someone told me about.

If you believe in conditional love and marry someone who doesn't believe in unconditional love, he will not understand where you are coming from. If you cheat on him, and ask him to take you back, he won't because he doesn't understand the idea of unconditional love.
Rather, he'd be angry that you even have nerve to cheat on him and ask for his forgiveness. He would think that you're crazy and selfish to expect him to forgive you.
"Why? Because in his world, there is no unconditional love. He doesn't understand it.
Why? Because he doesn't know an example of unconditional love (God of Abraham)
It's only logic."

I asked him if he believes in unconditional love and he said "I believe that there is no other love than unconditional love."

And that makes me question the concept of love.

If I think about it, I'll love my family no matter what happens, even if they betray me.
If i can't love my life long partner in the same way I love my family, then that is not love.

I don't think I can tell anyone other than my family that I love them because unconditional love is the only kind of love.
If someone cheated on me, I don't think I will be able to forgive them and take them back unless I love them unconditionally.

He told me another scenario.

Where your spouse cheats on you and you take him back because you love him unconditionally. He says he loves you but doesn't understand what unconditional love is.
"Now overtime you look into his eyes and say that you love him, he'll smile or something like that but that idiot won't understand the gravity of what you are saying. He'll only think that you love him like this limited definition of love. It's like there is a glass wall between you and him. He can see you but can't hear you. But he is okay with it because he doesn't know that the glass wall can be taken out of the way. But you know better. Can you imagine how frustrating it'll be?"

"You - I love you
Him - I love you, too
You - No! Not like that, I love you unconditionally
Him - Yes, I love you too
You - No no.. UNCONDITIONALLY
Him - Huh?
You - :("

So then I proceeded to ask him,
"What do you do from there?"

And he said,
"Take a deep breath and continue loving unconditionally."

At last, he said to me, "Good luck loving someone after this."
I laughed.
Because he was right.
Now I have a total different definition of love.

Unconditional love is a sacrifice, a beautiful sacrifice.
And I'm not sure if I'm capable of making that sacrifice.

you were my whole ******* ocean
but you only loved me in waves

look at the stars
look how they shine for you

The colour black is known to be a sad, depressing colour
Why?
Black is comfort
Black is bold
Black is beautiful

Then again,

Black is the absence of colours
Black is the vacant space that is unresponsive
Perhaps, that is why most poets like the colour black
It reminds them of their inconspicuous selves
The type of absence they feel consistently in their selfless, vulnerable hearts
It reminds them of themselves because they always
Give
Give
Give
And never get the chance to receive

to feel everything so raw and intense
is both a blessing
and a curse

after he ****, he asks me what time my curfew is
I told him it doesn't matter

after he ****, he says he's tired
so I don't talk

after he ****, he doesn't look at me the way he did in the beginning
I turn around and look outside the window

after he **** he doesn't want to touch me anymore
I keep my hands to myself

after he ****, he wants to go home
but I want to lay on his chest

when you left me
I felt lost
I drove myself crazy
I called you 27 times consecutively knowing that each time you were going to send me to voicemail
I had to move on by myself
with no closure at all
It hurt every single day
there was not a night that would go by that I wouldn't think about you and just cry
for a very long time, it was that way
then I finally found a light
I wasn't sad anymore
at least not over you

but now you're back
pleading
saying sorry
"sorry I made you fall with no intention of catching you.."
but what am I suppose to say?
It's okay?
Because it is not okay
you made me sad for a very long time

I did think about you from time to time
but those days are over
now it's your turn

It's your turn to cry

No matter how bad we want it to work
Some things just won't work
We are two different people
You can't fit a square in a triangle
Some things don't fit well together
You can't try to force something that is simply not there

Maybe the way we started made it cursed from the start
It should have not only been physical
Because when we both tried to get emotions involved
Both of our energies collided and went awry

But we both wanted each other
We couldn't stay away from each other
We tried to leave
But we always came running back to each other

We knew what he had wasn't healthy
So we finally parted for good

But I still want you

Sometimes he's not the one you are looking for,
but he is right there in front of you
It's not that he's incomparable but you have no one to compare him to
It's not that he makes you feel you're the only one on Earth but he's nice and once in a while, he gives you a compliment you think about all day and night
It's not that he's funny enough to do stand up comedy, yet he still makes you laugh with his corny jokes and stupidity
He's not the best looking guy out there but he makes you wonder whether looks even matter
It's not that he is your soulmate, but he's there when you need him

Slowly but surely, all these factors add up
and you start to fall for him

You find yourself falling in love with average

Do not make homes out of human beings
They will leave you feeling homesick and sad
Not because you deserve to feel that way
But because they can

Do not make homes out of human beings
You will lose yourself trying to find them

Do not make homes out of human beings
Because building homes means comfort
Comfort of which you do not have control over

Do not make homes out of human beings
Because building homes in people means that there is space for emptiness and mistakes

So please darling,

Do not make homes out of human beings
Because it will collapse
Every
Single
Time

I cannot wait for the day
when I come across a picture of you..
when I hear your name..
when I think about you..
and
feel absolutely nothing

I really just want you to tell me you miss me
I want you to tell me that you want me back
Even though you are the one who ****** up

And then I'm going to front like I don't want you anymore
When I do,
I want you to fight for me and tell me how sorry you are
And that we could work out if I just gave you one more chance
I'll give you that chance
Hell, I'll even give you 3 more after that
Because I want us to be something

I want you
I miss you
But I couldn't even get that in a drunk text

We could have been smart with the plot from the start
Mistakes from the spark..
We knew it wasn't love

I am an Aries.
You are a Pisces.

I am represented by fire.
You are represented by water.

I should have known that you would dampen my spark.

exactly 54 strangers around me
I counted
and you're still all I seem to think about

I have two word documents open
one about lack of youth voting in politics
and the other about Indigenous people and self government
I also have a Youtube tab open playing "Stay" by Rihanna

my mind is flustered
my heart hurts
I want to cry but I can't

I sit here and think about why you affect me the way you do
I'm almost 100% sure that you're doing just fine
yet here i am, emotionally distressed

your words **** me
but so does your silence
I feel like I can never win with you

I'm truly at a loss for words
because I have come to my senses
I have realized that we are completely two different people

how we talk is not the same
how we show affection is not the same
how we love is not the same

I want it to work so badly between us
but maybe that's the problem
that I want it so bad
and you don't want it eqaully

It *****
but it's the truth
and I'm just going to have to accept it and move on

don't tell me my favourite song
is your favourite song
because then
every time I listen to it
I won't think of how much I like the song
I'll think of you
and it won't be my favourite song anymore

when someone tells you that they want you,
you don't really feel anything
but when someone tells you that they don't want you anymore
you feel every ounce of it

you re read it over and over again
trying to figure out what you did or said wrong in the past 24 hours
you analyze all your moves from the start of the relationship
and when you find out that you didn't **** up
you just don't understand why
you don't understand what went wrong
that "don't" and "anymore" in that sentence weigh down on your heart
you can't stop thinking about it
you think,
"hey I'm okay, not worth my time anyway to be stressing over someone who is not stressing over me"
but that only helps for 5 minutes
and then you're back at it
trying to figure out what went wrong
and it's just a cycle
every **** hour
you're not okay
but oh you want to be
you want to be

I am stuck in the illusionary world of lust
I don't know what love is
I'm scared I never will

They say vulnerability is power
They say that vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, and joy
So tell me please
Why do I feel so empty after I shower my affection to him?

I shove over my pride and call him to tell him I miss him
but he just looks at his phone and presses ignore

I tell him to call me when he gets home from a drunken night
And I wait and wait for that call until 4am
But he just goes straight to sleep, not even giving second thought about whether or not he should even text me

It's his birthday and I want to know how it's going so far
So I call him
And he just lets the phone ring

Do not let people tell you that vulnerability is power unless that person feels the same way you do about them
Because being vulnerable with the wrong person will destroy you mentally and emotionally

10 missed calls from me to him is what it took for me to realize that this whole thing was doomed from the start

when everything is amazing in the beginning
when you get giddy fast
when it feels too good to be true
that's when you **run

I eat my dinner while I watch TV because I'm hungry
And then I keep eating for my sadness
I force myself to laugh because
**** him, I don't ******* need him to be happy

She goes to a party with her friends
She wants to have fun so she takes a couple of shots of *****
She's drunk and she knows it
But her mind is still somewhere else
Somewhere where she doesn't want it to be
So she takes another 5 shots

He's with his friends now
"Stop being such a *****, **** that *****! Forget her. I'll find you another *** tomorrow"
He does a little laugh to show agreement
Puff Puff Pass
His eyes are already red and glossy
He wants to call her and tell her he misses her, but **** that
Boys don't cry over girls
Puff Puff Pass
On to the next one

We all have different forms of distractions
Some use alcohol
Some use drugs
But at the end of the day
We'll do anything and everything to distract ourselves from missing someone

you tell him you love him




he changes the topic

Early last night I took sleeping pills
Not because I couldn't sleep
But I didn't want to be up all night thinking about you
It was Christmas Eve and I wanted to be okay if I couldn't be happy
Thoughts of you make me sad

Even with the dizziness that sleeping pills brought,
my drowsy body, and my mental delay
I woke up in the middle of the night
because I thought I heard my phone vibrate
I thought you texted me
But I was wrong

Early last night I took sleeping pills
Not because I couldn't sleep
But because I didn't want to be up all night thinking about you

you are my light
but I am my darkness
and without my darkness, I wouldn't have been able to see you
you are important but so am I
we are equal, we are one

I think
I get so scared of people leaving me
so I **** everything up before something even becomes of it
I get defensive
or
I get vulnerable
and I scare them off

I think
I wasn't built out for a relationship
because I am confident and I do love myself
but
somehow I can't keep any potential great relationship going

I think
no one can love me the way I want them to
or
the way I would love them
because they don't understand me
they don't absorb how my mind and spirits play, sometimes together
they don't realize how far my thoughts can go

I think
at the end of the day
we all just want someone to be obbessed with us as we are with them

for you
a thousand times over

what do you do when he gets what he wants
and just leaves you hanging
he doesn't text you back or anything
he just takes a part of you and leaves with it
you feel empty
you want it back
a part of you wishes it never even happened

It took me to while to realize that
This too
Is poetry
How I feel is poetry
How I move is poetry
How I breathe is poetry

Everything is poetry

Your words are so beautiful
It's like I know you're lying
But I almost still believe you

this is not a poem
but my heart hurts so much
and I'm not sure what to do

You always think you're prepared for a situation
You think
"Ok yes, he's going to find another girl
And I'm going to be okay with it
Because that's life
Hey, I don't even like him that much
He ain't ****
What does bring to me that I can't give myself?
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
He ain't ****
I don't even want him anymore"

But then he actually does find another girl
He starts to talk to her daily like he used to do with you
He starts to flirt with her,
Call her during the nighttime
Ask her to hang out

And you would think you were prepared for this
Until it actually happens
And all your feelings come back
It feels like someone just ripped your heart out of your chest
and everything hurts
It hurts
It hurts
and you realize you weren't really prepared for this

If he says he's not sure, take that personal with every being
He is not sure about you, he doesn't want to choose you
The only reason he is not letting you go is because he is selfish

You are the stars around the moon
You will sparkle from a long distance away
Your presence is always so peaceful and endearing
It makes a difference with and without you

Just because he is not ready for you
It does not mean you stop shining
It does not mean the whole world won't stop staring at you in awee
It does not mean you aren't the most beautiful thing

You are hurting
But extraordinary things heal
By themselves or with the help of others, they heal regardless
Do not worry, you will heal and
See the light

You are Extraordinary
Confident
Strong
Outspoken
Beautiful

Just everything you need to be.
Everything you need to be for yourself.

I think the most ****** up part is that
I don't even think what you did was terrible
I mean yeah it's terrible that you hooked up with another girl when you made it seem like you liked me
But maybe it was just a hook up
And maybe you look at me more than that

But that's the most ****** up part
That I'm okay with the fact that you hooked up
As long as the girl didn't mean anything

BUT IT SHOULDN'T ******* BE THIS WAY
I DESERVE SO MUCH MORE
THAN THIS
THAN YOU
I ******* HATE MYSELF FOR EVEN HAVING A LITTLE HOPE IN YOU
EVEN RIGHT NOW
AS I TYPE THIS
UGH
I HATE YOU SO MUCH

There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about you
I miss you all the time
But if I were to miss something more than you, it's myself
I miss myself

I lost myself somewhere in you
I didn't notice because it all happened so fast
I was enjoying the ride
Because what I felt for you was electric

However, with anything in life, everything must come to an end

Maybe I thought we had more time, that the end wasn't so near
Maybe I thought we were different, that we could show them that there doesn't have to be an end to something that's real...
Silly me, if it were to be real, then there would always be an awaiting deadline

Maybe I thought it was us against the world
But one thing I know for sure
When there are two lovers against the world,
The world will always wins

You are my greatest loss and my deepest wound

I'm ****** because I don't find passion in things like art, dancing, and singing.
I find passion in boys.

I am always writing about heartbreak, loneliness, and sadness that some boy has dawned upon me.
But lately, I've been feeling like
I had broken my heart long before any boy had the chance to.

When I feel the loneliness peak from the crevices of my heart,
I can't seem to find an explanation as to why
Other than, I feel like utter **** and I can't blame anyone else.

I love myself.. at least I think I do.
I am confident in who I am.
Yet again, I chase the boys who I know will hurt me in the end and long for the ones that don't give me the time of day.
I cry for people that are not worth my tears and write about people who don't think twice about me.

Why do I keep hurting myself?
I keep breaking my own heart again and again.
At the end, all I have is me, myself, and I.
If I keep breaking my own heart, who will be there to tell me it's okay when I'm wrapped up in my blankets crying my eyes? (the kind of crying where you can't breathe and it's a constant battle of letting everything go and calming yourself down)

I need to love myself profoundly and fiercely before I let another boy in.
Because when he leaves, I can pick myself up because I know he is not worth it.
Because for once, I love MYSELF more than I love him.