"antidepressants" poems
Everywhere I look, there's an emptiness
where you’re supposed to be.
I told the doctors how I see nothing in everything,
so they prescribed pills to help me see.
My room is always so cold
but your breath was so hot.
I told the doctors I still feel it on my neck
so they gave me more pills to make it stop.
I took the pills for years
but they haven’t helped at all
So I stopped the prescriptions
and started my downward fall.
The doctors will never fully understand
that I will always look for you everywhere I go.
Antidepressants and mood stabilizers are making my mind a
bomb, ready to blow.
Nov 28, 2014
Nov 28, 2014 at 8:49 PM UTC
I'm fat because my first boyfriend in seventh grade broke up with me for another girl and called me a fat ugly ***** over and over.
I'm fat because my best friend joined in and wouldn't lend me his jacket when I was cold because he'd rather give it to another girl because she was skinnier.
I'm fat because I'm too lazy to work out since depression hit.
I'm fat because I stress eat and have a bad sweet tooth.
I'm fat because my last ex wouldn't disagree when I asked him if I was fat.
I'm fat because he wouldn't let me eat.
I'm fat because he would see the plate of food and dramatically say, again?
I'm fat because I carved it into my stomach.
I'm fat because I have horrible mood swings and panic attacks and had to be put on antidepressants and birth control.
I'm fat because I don't look in the mirror anymore unless it's above my chest.
I'm fat because that's what I think everyone whispers when I'm not looking because I'm an anxious paranoid freak.
I'm fat because my parents say I shouldn't eat this or that.
I'm fat because I can't fit in my old pair of jeans.
I'm fat because I've always been scared to wear a bikini, now I refuse.
I'm fat because my mom says tells me she is fat, when she weighs less than me already.
I'm fat because no guys will look at me anymore.
I'm fat and I don't know what to do anymore.
Apr 6, 2015
Apr 6, 2015 at 12:11 AM UTC
I never told you this,
it's a bit embarassing,
but every wish I make,
I make it for you.
Every penny thrown into fountains,
every lucky stars shinning bright,
every last cigarette of the pack,
is a wish for you
I wish that your troubles will go away.
I wish that you will no longer need those antidepressants.
I wish that you finally get the break you need.
If it means I'll never see you again,
if it means you'll forget about me,
so be it.
You deserve to be happy.
Jul 31, 2013
Jul 31, 2013 at 2:07 PM UTC
A Response to Thought Catalog
Number One.
"She won't touch your stuff
because she doesn't want to do anything"
Which also includes leaving her bed
before six pm
meeting your friends
or seeing the movie you've been begging her to see
since the trailer came out last year
Number Two
"She'll probably forget you borrowed
money from her"
or to pay the bills,
or your birthday
or getting groceries
Number Three
"She's a cheap date"
more than likely because
she doesn't care where you go
but she wants to be back in her bed
the minuet she gets into your car
because now her insecurities
are buzzing in her ears
and clawing at her throat
Number Four
"She probably doesn't want to
meet your family"
sitting in her room terrified that
she's not good enough
that she will never be good enough
and they won't accept her
Number Five
"She will probably get drunk
and you can have *** with her"
Number Six
"You can get free drugs!"
she knows about her missing
pain pills and antidepressants
but she won't say a thing because
you love her, right?
it's selfish of her to think she needs those
she has you. right?
Number Seven
"She has poor memory
and a short attention span"
Unaware of whether its Monday or Thursday
or if she ate this week
Number Eight
"She won't talk that much"
instead she can soak up your words
and turn them against herself
until they infect her insides with acidic words
ugly/fat/ugly/stupid/ugly/useless/ugly/worthless
Number Nine
"She'll pamper you because
she's sensitive"
Here's the newest game you wanted
I hope it makes up for me not being good enough
Here's some money, go out with friends
I don't want to bring you down
Number Ten
"It'll make you look better"
She's a charity case
a lost cause
who lost herself
but she's so lucky she found you
She's like an accessory
that you drag around
she'll make you look perfect
won't she?
It's supposed to be simple.
Dating the dead girl walking.
besides the fact she'll
bawl her eyes out every time
you grab your keys
or the fact you have to deal with
the burden of having to hide
your mother's steak knives
so you can sleep in peace
without worrying whether
you will find her lifeless body
on your bathroom floor
Number ten
You can romanticize
the pain she goes through everyday
while her hourglass hearts
last grain of sand falls to the bottom
but you will NEVER
be able
to say you were the hero.
May 3, 2014
May 3, 2014 at 11:11 PM UTC
I can't even remember how it started...
Drifting from who I was,
My normal just slowly departed from me.
Foggy glimpses of the boy I used to be.
Ripping through the last shreds of my humanity,
Right on the edge of insanity,
I'm not but a shadow of what, and who I was,
Can you guess what was the cause?
As time goes on,
I am more and more losing myself,
Turning absolutely insane, there is now no sense of self.
I'm starting to be really bloodthirsty.
As time goes on,
I more and more want to hurt somebody,
Physically.
I want to feel something, anything!
I'm slowly losing my sanity,
It's getting real hard to keep myself from breaking the limits,
Of this society we live in!
But can you blame me?
I just want to feel excited,
Happy,
Have a geniune smile on my **** face.
Do you comprehend
An existence like mine,
Where you feel nothing?
While people around you find happiness,
And joy,
In things that mean nothing to you?
I've been resisting my urges for a while,
But I'm slowly getting out of control,
Nothing can make me whole.
Things are gonna get real ugly,
Real soon.
Therapy won't help this insane existence of mine.
Trust me, they tried, and tried.
Phsychologists, psychiatrists,
5 types of antidepressants,
A bunch of relaxants,
And diagnosis of many, many mental disorders.
Nothing could get me back in order,
I guess they were too late, I already crossed all sane borders.
Yup... For years, to no avail.
Go on, mock me, say I'm insane;
But it's your kind that did this to me.
But please, watch your tongue,
Words are hurtful.
Hush now, won't you stay a while?
Join me with a painted smile.
Tragic faces,
Stationed at my bedside,
Warm embraces,
While I'm hollow on the inside.
Their eyes betray them,
This is only a painted smile.
After my attempts,
People just wouldn't buy my painted smiles,
So they tried, and tried,
Everything they could think of.
Religion, mental hospitals, therapy, and medication...
If only they knew what a monster I try to keep inside every day,
Will their opinions change that day,
Will they regret it when I unleash the beast inside?
So 'till the day I tear myself from the inside,
Won't you join me with a painted smile?
Aug 17, 2018
Aug 17, 2018 at 3:10 PM UTC
In response to the text: *"who wants to get ********* this weekend?"*
I reply: I'll bring donuts, Gatorade, and Cards Against Humanity.
I tell the girls that the snacks are for them, so they don't get too drunk or hungover.
But really I know myself too well, and I binge when I feel lonely.
Its hard not to feel lonely, when you're the only sober one there.
At the Party:
Never Have I Ever reveals more than I ever thought it would.
I might be the oldest, but I am by no means the most mature.
Things I have never heard of, things I could have never thought of are things of which they speak.
Two donuts are gone.
Their alarms all go off at 10:00 for birth control. They take out their mini purse packs of 30 pills, no bigger than a credit card.
I don't take birth control, because my periods are regular, and well:
Depression+antidepressants+confusion of sexuality= no *** drive at all.
I mean zip, zero, nothing.
Leaving me to be the only ****** of the six girls here.
Three donuts are gone.
Hours ago though, I took my 300mg of Seroquel XR.
I timed it just right.
This time I won't fall asleep hours before everyone else
'Pong' requires drinking so I sit their and watch.
Four donuts are gone
Shots are taken.
I pour more tea into my mug.
Five Donuts are Gone
Drunk face-timing old friends who have moved away results in much yelling, and her hanging up.
I start a new group text where I talk only to myself.
All Donuts are gone
There is no wonder why alcohol and depression don't mix
Jun 16, 2015
Jun 16, 2015 at 11:48 PM UTC
In a world of zombified teens so loaded up on antidepressants,
anti-anxiety and anti things-
it must be asked.
Did that boy who jumped off the bridge just last week,
leap in an attempt to grow wings?
Maybe he did it just to see if he'd be scared?
Or perhaps.
He felt just too much to live
with the numbness his medication offered
He was never looking for
A temporary solution to his pain.
What about that darling girl who's arms and thighs are
In a love affair
With an abusive razor?
Does she stay with him for fear of going back,
Again and again,
only to be called weak for leaving in the first place?
Or for the fear that she'll
Never
Feel the same exhilaration
From another's kiss?
The last question of tonight.
How is it that I am just noticing now,
How carefully he avoids the word
Home
Almost as if he knows the place
I grew up in
Will never be a home again.
Not to me.
Does he know,
It represents
Nothing but a return to the front line?
Just like being ****** back into the trenches
A still wounded soldier.
Nothing but a band-aid
Covering what once
Was a gaping bullet hole.
She still feels his hands on her.
They sound as loud as a grenade in her head
The slap of his hand traumatizing as an atom bomb,
She reaches for her lover,
Hoping he can distract her from the battle
All while
Neglecting
To acknowledge he brings with him
His own
War.
They all stand at his funeral
Holding hands and saying a prayer.
Hoping,
Praying,
He grew his wings.
Nobody understood
What could have led him
To choose the pain of
A jump
Over
The silence of a pill
Or the speed of a bullet.
Most of all though,
His mother just wants to know
Why he didn't tell her he needed to be held.
We all have our demons,
Skeletons in the closet.
What people don't realize is
Wars are fought every day
The trenches lie
Not in Dead-Mans Land
but
Inside our heads.
Aug 30, 2013
Aug 30, 2013 at 10:51 PM UTC
For a
moment
I thought I (love)d you.
It's a tough word, it really is,
when you're sobbing behind a bottle,
bleeding red wine from the corners of your mouth.
It would be simpler to express this sober,
but you know as well as anyone
no one's ever sober anymore.
The inebriates are saying "happy ******* Valentine's Day"
to everyone who decided to break the glass the past year.
The antidepressants are speeding up my heart beat,
praying that this time it'll be my name you're crying about.
Even if it's for the wrong reason.
Feb 16, 2012
Feb 16, 2012 at 12:33 PM UTC
I refuse to take antidepressants
I refuse to be who I'm not
I'm not a happy person who wants nothing but joy
I am a person of selfhate
That's just me and I'm not going to be a fake
Jul 5, 2015
Jul 5, 2015 at 11:32 AM UTC
i still am trying to hold back my tears as i write this down. i thought about on my way home and debated with myself for a good 3 hours and decided that i have to write this, if not for people, for myself.
i visited the ward as a visitor today. it felt weird to be on the other side of the door. it felt weird to be on the other side of the glass, and it felt weird to look into the eyes of someone i once knew.
it hurt that as soon as i walked through the open doors, i hear the screams of a man speaking in a language i did not understand. it hurt to watch him being pinned down by 2 men almost twice his size. it hurt to watch his mental pain being temporarily stopped with physical pain.
it hurt as we started talking. it took almost every ounce of courage inside of me to hold my tears back, because i knew that me crying would dampen his spirits and affect his recovery. and i knew exactly what that feels like.
it hurt to sit back and watch him explain his illness in terms i knew far too well. it hurt to hear him say " stay here, you would understand this more than anybody else. " it hurt that i understood. it hurt that for that brief moment, i didn't want to understand. i didn't want to be in there. my legs were shaking but i listened anyway.
it hurt to hear him explain how the electricity worked and hurt his jaws. it hurt to tell him to be strong, because i knew how much it would take out of him to just try. it hurt that he cracked up jokes in the middle of our conversations, i didn't feel like laughing at all.
it hurt to watch so many people suffering from illnesses they never asked for, it hurt to watch so many of you suffering from the pain you don't deserve. it hurt to just sit there and not be able to do anything about it. it hurt.
but it hurt because it wasn't my place to feel hurt, it was yours. it was your place to scream and shout. it was your place to cry and break down into a million pieces.
but it hurt because you couldn't, because in your head you are fine. in your head, you're at work. in your head, none of this ever happened. in your head, 20 cops didn't restrain you. in your head, this is a perfect world.
but it didn't hurt because i knew deep in my heart that no matter what, the way i feel about you will never change. the strong, courageous, brave, joyful, kind, happy man that i grew up knowing will always have a place in my heart. no amount of ect's and antidepressants will take that away.
so thank you, for opening my eyes to all the pain in the world. thank you, for making me understand that there is greater suffering in the world. thank you, for teaching me the value of gratefulness. thank you, for educating me, even if it was through your suffering.
Jan 14, 2017
Jan 14, 2017 at 11:06 AM UTC
Tonight I feel as empty as the prescription bottles on my nightstand.
- Antidepressants
Jul 20, 2022
Jul 20, 2022 at 3:11 AM UTC
I have an answer for you
you're going to ******* hate it
antidepressants, dear.
they take away the pain, the fight, the gain
the storms, the mountains, the warmth
they make you numb
but numb is such a finer place to be
wouldn't you agree?
Jan 3, 2012
Jan 3, 2012 at 11:23 PM UTC
Goodnight pumpkin, I luv you. L-U-V U.
Dear mom,
Nothing ****** me off more than misspelling the word Love.
If you’re not willing to put two seconds into a text or even a letter
to spell it correctly, then you need a ******* dictionary.
The only time you looked into a dictionary was to find words big enough so they could fit through ears but not into my brain making it easier for lies to flow out of your mouth like it is second nature.
The only truth that ever spit out of your mouth like lemon juice, was when you told us, not all lives have happy endings.
But when you were still here, and I was only eight,
you let me watch disney movies so I could learn my own fate.
One of the movies taught me that if I said Ohana means family,
that you’d respond with,
family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten
But you left your kids to pursue Your happiness,
Now every time you leave to Pennsylvania another memory of us flies away from the airport you call a body just like the planes you get on,
Your lies create a tornado that destroys everything in it’s path,
and my life is a flat ground so this spiral of emotions won’t stop until you do.
You circled your yin-yang arms around me for the first time in the hospital, that was the same night people in white coats handed you a certificate with my name written on it, Now anytime my name is brought up in a subject you pull your hoodie over your head as a sign of embarrassment.
I want you to feel the pain you have been giving me for the last 2
years when you hear this poem.
I want you to realize that you’re the reason my feelings are
scribbled down to make a mess out on paper.
Every night I make a new river with my tears and when I realize you are
lying to me, it makes waves of depression
and those waves, are created by earthquakes of anger.
These waves are strong enough to break through any hoover dam
made up of antidepressants and pills that will only make me what
you want me to be which is “normal”?
If you tell someone you love them at least have the audacity to
mean it.
Be a the definition of a mom and care about us and our
feelings, and not just your own.
Mom, I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U
Ohana means Family, but no one said family would last forever. But
you always will last forever, in my heart
Feb 27, 2015
Feb 27, 2015 at 10:37 AM UTC
so ive been thinking about ending my life a lot lately. nothing seems real anymore. i just feel so, so worthless. ya know? i dont know how to handle anything anymore. i used to try to be happy, but i kinda just gave up. ive tried hopelessly to recover but nothing seemed to work. the coping skills, they let me down. they dont work. my antidepressants, they make me feel worse. i just dont know how to cope with my emotions, and i dont think i ever will. so i need to make up my mind. death or wellness?
Jul 6, 2015
Jul 6, 2015 at 2:47 AM UTC
If God don't like ugly
God don't like me.
Which is why
I'm so unlucky.
It's like my money
telling jokes in my pocket
because it knows it's funny.
I live in Texas but
My days are never sunny.
They are much rather gloomy
and the darkness consumes me
until I get a bit wreck less.
Faded
till I'm speechless.
Smoking
till I'm breathless.
Til my mind isn't restless.
Sippin the devils elixir
made me far from quicker
but I feel deathless
because I'm high
off of **** and antidepressants.
God don't like ugly
and the people
walk about corruptly
in this world of vanity.
That grips the sanity
til it produces
a lack of empathy
for its fellow man.
This world of vanity
has me trapped
In my own reality
because I'm not
appealing to the eye
and my words
not appealing to the soul.
Still dress to impress
to catch a lost ******* soul
lackin control
to ride this ****
like a slippery slope.
God don't like ugly.
If God don't like ugly
God don't like me.
Like a ******** child
that's he's forgot about.
Made in his image
but far more warped.
Who realized his potential
and leaped from the porch.
Into a sea of fakes
trying to achieve an image
sharp as a sword.
Just as mighty as the lord
but they always come up short
because they are mortals
between the portals
of heaven and hell.
So the paranormals ******
the brains of the godawful children.
Until everything is up for sale
including their soul.
To feel a feeling that will never bail.
This life has been hell.
Yet, we bask in the heat
of the moment.
When temptation rains upon us
we always lose focus.
How can we resist it
when him and his enemy
sent it.
If God don't like ugly
God don't like me.
-Klash
Oct 23, 2015
Oct 23, 2015 at 1:10 PM UTC
Crumpled agaisnt the white wall
Burning tears streaming
From my hollow exhausted eyes
Down my pale cheeks they fall
Along my raspberry lips they gather
Oceanic water
One by one
The last few daisys that lined my mind
Wilt
Their petals are dropping to the ground
Ever so slowly they turn to dust
My heart is charcoal black
My walls are breaking down
I look around me the glacial walls
Melting to the ground
They pool at my sides
I drag my frail finger through the warm water
snap
Someone grabs my hand
Shaking my clouded head
I look up with red swollen eyes
Mom?
Shes so far off her voice a silent as a winter breeze
I give up
Head falls back onto my chest
I grasp my head
A fist full of my long brown hair
Shuddering breaths threatening to shake me apart
"I am so ****** up"
I whisper soft as rose petals
Dec 26, 2013
Dec 26, 2013 at 6:11 PM UTC
Drunken words
tumbling out between
sips of liquor,
eyelids
heavier than usual,
she thinks
I can't tell
when she's been
drinking
but I have been here
through days when
she swallowed nothing
but whiskey and
antidepressants,
through
sobbing nights,
these walls are so thin
I hear every
tortured breath,
I have been here
through hollow chest
and empty bottle,
and she has never been
a mean drunk,
only honest,
but it seems like
she only tells me
she cares through
wine-stained teeth
and I wonder
if she can hear
my heart break
every time she slurs
the words
"I love you".
Sep 4, 2014
Sep 4, 2014 at 10:40 PM UTC
million tiny ants
crawling up and down my spine
hummingbird in chest
cold sweat is beading
on my burning body red
eyes dry from crying so
im not going to ******* sleep tonight
Oct 25, 2013
Oct 25, 2013 at 5:28 PM UTC
The sour taste of the antidepressants,
Reminded me of how i'll always be this way,
It never goes away completely.
You just become one.
Warrior.
Nov 10, 2013
Nov 10, 2013 at 4:24 PM UTC
At the apex of the Empire State Building
Beneath a resilient misty gray sky,
A perfectly dreary day to die
She's at her lowest low
In heeled shoes a mile high,
Youthful skin, but nothing behind dead hazel eyes,
Rose red lips which never spoke their mind,
A purse full of pills she'd rather leave behind
Beneath rich chocolate curls,
Helena's madness quietly unfurls
Her courage to jump, her fear of death
Weighing the outcome of future incomes
Against the agony of piling debts
She came down from her delusional high
When daddy's substitute for love called money ran bone dry
With the sky the limit, her mind is trapped
By the lie they told Helena as her life was mapped
Line by line they fed her from birth:
"A scholarly piece of paper and a lovely figure will define your worth
Choose wisely little princess, or your life will be hell on Earth"
Turning her back to the street below
Her courage to end it begins to grow
She closes her empty hazel eyes
Cranes her neck towards the sky
And whispers "Death do you hear me? No longer am I shy"
In her delusion she heeded Death's reply
"Come now dear angel, let's see you fly"
A rush of adrenaline was met with demise
Now nourishment for the maggots and the flies
Antidepressants mimicked the body of their owner,
Fractured bottles, tops open, pills strewn all over
Beautiful bones shattered against the pavement
Released she was, from her own mental enslavement
Trickling down the drain, carried by unrelenting rain
Into a New York sewer towards the darkness below,
A bright crimson flow
Quenches the thirst of a starving rat king
Entangled in thirteen tails as he lay dying
Grateful is the king to Helena's sacrifice
For he is trapped in this sewer and awaits his own demise
A glimpse he tasted from the world above
Bitter-sweet is the blood of a girl without love
Jan 19, 2017
Jan 19, 2017 at 12:03 PM UTC