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RandiRabid Apr 2015
I'm fat because my first boyfriend in seventh grade broke up with me for another girl and called me a fat ugly ***** over and over.
I'm fat because my best friend joined in and wouldn't lend me his jacket when I was cold because he'd rather give it to another girl because she was skinnier.
I'm fat because I'm too lazy to work out since depression hit.
I'm fat because I stress eat and have a bad sweet tooth.
I'm fat because my last ex wouldn't disagree when I asked him if I was fat.
I'm fat because he wouldn't let me eat.
I'm fat because he would see the plate of food and dramatically say, again?
I'm fat because I carved it into my stomach.
I'm fat because I have horrible mood swings and panic attacks and had to be put on antidepressants and birth control.
I'm fat because I don't look in the mirror anymore unless it's above my chest.
I'm fat because that's what I think everyone whispers when I'm not looking because I'm an anxious paranoid freak.
I'm fat because my parents say I shouldn't eat this or that.
I'm fat because I can't fit in my old pair of jeans.
I'm fat because I've always been scared to wear a bikini, now I refuse.
I'm fat because my mom says tells me she is fat, when she weighs less than me already.
I'm fat because no guys will look at me anymore.
I'm fat and I don't know what to do anymore.
RandiRabid Aug 2014
Brown, the color of your eyes
Those sparkling pools of wonder and pain
Green, the color of the grass
That I laid on with him
Black, the color of the void
That he left in my heart
White, the color of the hope
You gave me when you saved me
Blue, the color of the sky
I look at now, contemplating why
Pink, the color of the sunset
The time has come to go home
Red, the color of the blood
That drips down my wrist
There is no color now
Just emptiness
RandiRabid Jul 2014
These insecurities are taking over
I can barely hide them any longer
Slipping from my stitched lips
Coming through the seams of my very being
I don't know what I am seeing

Fact or fiction?
Reality or a dream?
Who am I?
I don't seem to recognize my reflection anymore
My body is tired and sore

My mind hazy and full of fantasy
Wishes never granted
Scars of hatred on my skin
Tears engraved in my cheeks
The blood I once held now leaks

I fear everything and anything
I just want to feel sane
If only for a moment
Take this key to my heart
I knew you'd stab with it from the start

I crave self destruction
This self loathing drives me to new heights
I crave the kiss of death
But instead we dance
Maybe it's my posture maybe it's my stance

That I need to fix
To correct all the wrongs I've done
I want to feel normal
I want to wake up with a new life
I'm too buried in my own strife

Help me, I'm begging
Point the barrel
Pull the trigger
I want the gun to be my last tune
As my eyes roll back in the light of the moon
RandiRabid May 2014
I remember walking home from your car. I remember the way the street lights were glowing. I remember how I was glowing. My sanguine cheeks hurt from all the constant smiling. My heart pounding against my rib cage like it wanted to escape just to be in your arms again. My arms wrapped right around me from the cold, wishing you could keep me warm. That was when I realized I was in love with you. And it was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced.
But wait.
If I had known what I know now would I have turned around and ended it? Would I walk a little faster, getting chills from your frozen heart, to my home, never to return to that place.
Or would I have kept walking, just like I did. Gone home and dreamt of us together for eternity. Only to be let down over and over by your lies. Blood dripping down my face, mind hazy from all the pills. Put in hell for what seemed like forever. Only to be released and taunted even further.
Tell me.
If I had a choice, if I had known...what would I have done?
RandiRabid Nov 2013
I can't keep doing this
This dance with death
He pulls me close
Whispers in my ear
A soft smile on his beautiful face
"Come with me."
I shake my head slowly
Pushing him away
But then my arms feel cold, empty
An ocean without fish
A tree without leaves
I search the darkness for him again
My arms burn
They begin to itch
An itch I can never scratch away
And then there he is
His face is a question mark
Wondering when I will follow
I shake my head slowly
But yet still I let him near
Our lips touch
A bittersweet paradox
But again I push you away
"Please..." we both say
One day I won't be able to push you away
And I'll truly let you take me
Together we will finally finish this dance we share
RandiRabid Oct 2013
Fill up my every pore
I don't want to feel anymore
This pain is too real
Too much to feel
Take it all away
Just for one day
RandiRabid Oct 2013
There is a time and there is a place
I love to feed the monster inside
Maybe one day I’ll see your lovely face
Baby tell me one more time you need me
Let it grow to the size of your sin
I just wish you could see
How much I love you
I’d do anything for you
Anything for you
Put on that smile I wear so well
As you fake naïve and pretend it isn’t me
Our lips touch as quickly as the razor to my skin
They share a similar depth and pain
You hold me close and I believe your lies
I’d do anything for you
Anything for you
I whisper I love you
You nod like you care
But the silence speaks loud
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